Pochatok

There is an important distinction between nice and kind, imo! Sometimes, being kind means not being nice, and vice versa. I always try to lead with kindness- as in, I want the best for you. That can mean saying something that's difficult for the other person to listen to. It can also mean saying something nice. But I never put nice-ness as the goal- often, it can be subverted into lying/evading/manipulating others. I'm nice when it helps me be kind, not the other way around. Just my 2c- look forward to hearing more about your journey! So glad to see you passionate about change and learning ❤️

Brief update: day 9. writing this after some significant struggle- about 30mins lost to some escapism. not sure where it came from, not sure why i needed it. i am not sure what it is i am running from- and i want to find out. i'll sit through it next time it's around. i don't want to dissociate. this world is too precious, and nothing i can really take for granted.

Day 7. urges present, but i persist b/c i remember who i want to be. i want the world to be free, and i will not ever achieve that vision w/out liberating myself. so, no relapsing today, and tomorrow me will return to this commitment.

hey! imo, that's you simply being hard on yourself. people who appear at 100% simply don't criticize themselves. that's literally all it takes. it doesn't mean they're doing any better performance-wise. but they definitely appear although they are. i've been in that 10-20% the whole evening today. it has sucked. but as soon as i wrote the statement above, i felt ignited to do the right thing again. have you read 'courage to be disliked'? may be of help to you ❤️

Imo, that is the myth of meritocracy, and quite plainly so. yes, we exist within the same temporality, but our privileges and abilities and experiences create differences that at times may be impassable. such a statement ignores disability, race, gender, and many other identity-based systems of separation and oppression. yes, a lot of things are technically possible for you . but that does not necessarily mean you actually can do those things. we all need to look to our strengths, and continuously work towards personal and collective liberation, cuz that's the only way towards actually becoming more 'all the same'. ❤️

Day 4. Still going well. My addiction now causes disgust, rather than complacency. glad to be here.

Hey, I hear you! Whoever you kid grows up to be, they will be (and already are) so thankful for your love and compassion. I'm sorry that it is so hard on you; when my mom was working night shifts, my dad and I would get those similar 4hrs of sleep at night, taking shifts cradling my sibling. They refused to fall asleep w/ anyone but her mom.

Day 1 - not relapsing today. I definitely need to back up my commitment w/ some reading- so I will read what I am already reading, just more. Caught myself wanting to order a new book... but no- there is no point! I have gotten so many to read through, already. Today, it is so important to take the time to re-learn focus. Last two weeks have been an increasing disarray, due to a variety of circumstances. Time to do better. Po

Hey, congrats on the hackathons (assuming you won?). And hey, competitions are hard, and jobs are even harder. I'm glad you're still here, and let's keep moving at our own paces! And if you don't know what to do- do nothing. It's a skill not a lot of people have an easy time learning, especially those younger (like me lol). And I mean doing genuinely nothing- like a walk outdoors or simply laying on grass. Let your mind roam, or calm it down- but let it process and be bored! Boredom has been the way out for me, every time.

Day 0 - a light, but still a relapse. It's all or nothing for this counter. However, this is not the sole measure of my growth. What matters is the change between the times the clock resets. Been in a very difficult place emotionally this whole week, seem to be struggling a lot with getting things done. Sleep deprivation due to work does not help much either, sadly. But, I will continue to strive for my best. There is no excuse not to do that- I want myself to be well. I want myself to be happy. I can't get there through relapsing and escaping in other ways. I must continue to meet myself where I am. Be kind ❤️

Day 7 behind- a full week. Has not happened in a while, but I will keep this going. Proud of myself for changing so much. Dealing w/ a lot of personal hardships, but keeping together w/ some good habits- picking my face less, no gaming, etc.. I do want to acknowledge that social media and emotional distress took the place. Emotional distress seems to be addictive- it's comforting to feel sad and powerless, to me. So, gotta keep true to my discipline- exercise, ice shower, journaling, and planning my day out. Most importantly, not forgetting that God (future me) is always by my side.

Day 5 and 6 behind - excited to begin seeing a significant continuity here. Right now, with all that's going on around the world (and US in particular), it's been light and easy, keeping myself away from escapist tactics. Yes, I am stressed, but because of how different the source and quality of stress is, I'm dealing with it differently. Simultaneously, I'm continuing to create habits that foster my spirituality. Crucially, however, I am still not working towards my passions. And I want to, dearly.

Haha now that you bring the construct normalcy into the picture, I realize that I came out (in a bunch of different ways, not just queerness) once I quit, even while so many people I knew continued gaming. It was so liberating to feel different!

Same here, that helped tremendously! So glad to see you change in ways profound, richter! Let's keep moving ❤️

Day 4 and 5 behind- excited to keep moving (on). Urges more significant today- I am a bit exhausted, and yet am not providing myself space of rest. I will continue to build the free world I want to live in. I can't stop, I don't want to escape and distract (again). If not now, when?

imo, there is nothing you have but the present moment- every time an action is delayed (be it quitting your job cuz you don't like it (not to self-project, lol)), it is essentially erased from existence. the less I've been taking future- not just a month from now, but simply tomorrow, the very next hour -for granted, the more I've found myself working w/ my values and dreams. also, i recommend this video essay on purpose/reason for doing things. it has helped me tremendously.

Hey, have you encountered the "mindful self-compassion workbook"? has helped me tremendously in the 'being hard on yourself' issue. perhaps, what you're struggling w/ isn't reaching expectations, but setting them realistically. do you have an in-depth understanding of your circumstances, of your struggles, of your pains? how do your expectations take that into account? different things are hard for different people- don't beat yourself up for the universal human experience of struggling ❤️

Day 2 and 3 done. Still going well- stronger urges today, but simply thinking about it is a reminder that what I seek is love and compassion. Pornography never grants me those things. The urges are the strongest when I seem to be evading the present- in the state of "waiting". Today, I caught my urges peaking as I was waiting for lunch hour to begin. Why..? I don't even eat during lunchtime- I operate on my own schedule. Either way, any escapism desires are manifesting strongest in pornography these days- what I want to resort to, instead, is mindfulness- awareness, acceptance, and follow-through w/ the struggles and pains that drive my escapism.

Day one completed- I am committed to becoming a different person. Remember the future I want- and what it will take to get me there. Today, my main aim is to review a lot of my "everyday" habits, and eliminate all those useless- such as unguided learning, compulsory eating, lack of social engagement, lack of meditation, etc.. It's been overdue, for me to establish more long-term, far-outlook routines. Onwards- to aid my journey against addiction, I will take some time to read additional essays on healthy relationships❤️

Been getting distracted a lot this morning- and upon a social interaction, realized how much my self-awareness expands when I get to talk to other people. It's something I dearly, dearly miss- genuine conversations where I get to be my (best) self. Having access to this currently unmet need- of regular human interaction -will help me greatly w/ my current struggle against pornography. Here's onto day 1. Much more committed- remember, if I manage to truly rid myself of this one addiction, the effects will span across my entire livelihood. onwards!

looking through past entries, i notice that my quitting of games was not immediate- i held onto gameplay videos for awhile, and did fill my time w/ other poor habits. it was not until beginning of 2021 when i was able to quit fully. i need to maintain the needs that pornography is currently fullfilling in some way- the issue being, i do not understand what those needs are. pornography desire comes up when i am very stressed and/or very tired. perhaps, it simply the need to rest (especially my mind, less so my body). i should respect that- my workaholic-ness is what drives me to this level of exhaustion. i need to respect my own boundaries- and here we go, back to self-compassion. will dedicate the last 30mins of this day to learning more on self-compassion, then.

no relapse yet- practicing positive exposure again, does help a lot w/ more committed unlearning of my habits as the outcome. But a long way to go in terms of commitment- I am not desperate to quit. I want to be.

Hey, I hear you- same is for me. And indeed, the current predominant modes of social interaction, be it dating apps or employment, do not favor that. In fact, that is very much discouraged. What you're doing is so brave- I'm glad you do not compromise on your values! I'm not sure how difficult it is for you to find employment places where honesty/authenticity would be valuable... I too am searching for those- it seems that places like that do not pay much, and are very community/social-focused. Informal education, mutual aid nonprofits (like providing free counselling), etc.. I'm sorry you've had so much struggle from living by your values- it certainly does not need to be that way.

And a relapse. Similar mode of relapse- low awareness of what I am doing, no red lights went off until I was well into the process. What frustrates me, then, is that upon recognition of my mistake, I continued nonetheless. That's what must go- relapses like this may happen. But nothing will change unless I keep the stakes high, and treat my mistakes as something worth addressing.

Used to think similarly; however, I've learned that I get things done a lot quicker when I do listen to that pain. When I do not, my body/mind are multitasking- trying to both do the thing and ignore the pain.