codepants

Haha, I love that, "It's just a fact of my being." Unforunately, some of the facts of my being, it turns out, are quite inconvenient... I am thinking about taken up running since that feels less weather-dependent than biking. For the life of me I cannot do online classes, like karate, but I'm beginning to wonder if I have a choice. How could one possibly do karate without a punching bag, though, and do I want to drop $200 for a quality punching bag? I'm not sure there are different yoga styles for acroyoga, or if it's all one style. Acroyoga is partner yoga, one on their back on the ground holding the other up while the other does poses mid-air. If there are different styles I'd love to learn about them!

Habits Done Today Uke Mindfulness Read Dishes Habits I Plan to do Later Today Brush teeth Floss Streaks Journal: Current 15/Record Don't Game: Current 24/Record Eat Leafy Greens: Current 0/Record Brush teeth twice: Current 5/Record Floss: Current 1/Record 3 Read: Current 1/Record 2 Play Ukulele: Current 2/Record 2 Mindfulness: Current 2/Record 2 Less than 2 hours of movies/TV: Current 0/Record 4 Go to bed with no dishes in the sink: Current 2/Record 3 Cleaning duties on Sunday: Current 0/Record 1 Currently Reading Hillbilly Elegy, J.D. Vance Something I'm Grateful For My partner. I just felt close with her today. I did go to walk her home from the hospital after a procedure. Maybe there is something intimate about that. Something I'm Avoiding I dunno. Just a general feeling of stuckness right now. I have a bit of a headache which might have something to do with it. 9 AM client tomorrow in the office so I have to leave by 7:45. Also, I need to figure out how to exercise when the whether is adverse. I don't want to mount my bicycle to my trainer yet because there's still two weeks of practice left; once practice is over, I can use the trainer. But until then... jumping jacks? General Update Tired. I think I went to bed late last night and did not get up with my girlfriend. As hard as it is to get up when she gets up, I think getting up after her costs me later in the day. That sleep costs more than it gives. I guess I could always sleep on the murphy bed if I want to sleep in.

Habits Done Today Bike (to and from work) Uke Mindfulness Habits I Plan to do Later Today Dishes Streaks Journal: Current 14/Record Don't Game: Current 23/Record Eat Leafy Greens: Current 0/Record Brush teeth twice: Current 4/Record Floss: Current 0/Record 3 Read: Current 0/Record 2 Play Ukulele: Current 1/Record 2 Mindfulness: Current 1/Record 2 Less than 2 hours of movies/TV: Current 4/Record Go to bed with no dishes in the sink: Current 3/Record Cleaning duties on Sunday: Current 0/Record 1 Currently Reading Hillbilly Elegy, J.D. Vance Something I'm Grateful For One of the interns at my workplace. We see a family together and she's fantastic. She's going to be a great therapist and it's a delight to work with her. Something I'm Avoiding I had an appointment scheduled over my girlfriend's biopsy because I forgot to move the slot. I was supposed to walk her home afterward because she'll be drugged. I can tell she's hurt, but I asked if she wants me to move it and she said "no." I'm thinking about doing it anyway... it's rather uncouth to move appointments like that, especially at the last minute, but it can be done. I guess I feel kinda stuck. General Update Not a lot to update. Just keepin' on keeping' on.

Maybe you could group activities together? I'm not sure travel, work, and study would make a good group, but there might be some. What about recurring events? Then if the time changes for one day every now and then you can just click and drag in Google Calendar.

Habits Done Today Bike (to and from work) Eat leafy greens (I made a salad and had it for lunch) Habits I Plan to do Later Today Honestly, I could play a song on the uke or do 10 minutes of mindfulness but it's been a long day. I'm too tired. On Tuesdays I get home after 9. I guess I need to do these things before I leave for work (usually not until 9:30) on Tuesdays. Lesson learned. RIP streaks. Streaks Journal: Current 13/Record Don't Game: Current 22/Record Eat Leafy Greens: Current 1/Record Brush teeth twice: Current 3/Record Floss: Current 3/Record Read: Current 0/Record Play Ukulele: Current 0/Record Mindfulness: Current 0/Record Less than 2 hours of movies/TV: Current 2/Record Go to bed with no dishes in the sink: Current 3/Record Cleaning duties on Sunday: Current 0/Record 1 Currently Reading Hillbilly Elegy, J.D. Vance Something I'm Grateful For My clients, obvs. It is Tuesday. Something I'm Avoiding That feeling when it's late and you know you should go to bed but you just... don't... want to. That itch. Restlessness? I feel like I'm constantly searching for a way to describe this. I swear I just read someone's post about it, too. Either in their journal here or maybe on r/stopgaming. Ugh. I want to "name it to tame it," but I can't quite name it... General Update Had 6 clients scheduled today and 5 showed up! That's only a 16% no-show rate! And two intakes that went pretty well. I am always amazed at what people will share in their first session. I think I created a bit of a rupture by accident, a client was telling me something people used to say about them and in trying to get them to share more I think this person perceived I was saying that about them too. I think they will still come back, though, and I can apologize and correct it then. Rupture and repair. I try and remind myself, too, that them perceiving that may very well be more about them than me...

Habits Done Today Journal Don't game Read Uke Mindfulness Habits I Plan to do Later Today Dishes before bed Eat leafy greens Streaks Journal: Current 12/Record Don't Game: Current 21/Record Eat Leafy Greens: Current 0/Record Brush teeth twice: Current 2/Record Floss: Current 2/Record Read: Current 2/Record Play Ukulele: Current 2/Record Mindfulness: Current 2/Record Less than 2 hours of movies/TV: Current 1/Record Go to bed with no dishes in the sink: Current 2/Record Cleaning duties on Sunday: Current 0/Record 1 Currently Reading Hillbilly Elegy, J.D. Vance Something I'm Grateful For Habit apps. Because I mean, look at all the habits I have now. I guess it's not really a habit till you've done it 20 times. And maybe I'm going overboard tracking all these things. But after work today I was bored and look at the app and was like... "I can totally do three of these things before my next set of plans." Also, I stopped watching TV after two hours. So it's... working? Something I'm Avoiding The massive amount of paperwork I'm about to have to do. I got 5 intakes scheduled this week. Five. For every intake we have to do a diagnostic assessment, initial contact note, and treatment plan. It's all online so it's not any amount of pages, but I'd guess if I printed it all it would be at least 7-10 pages depending on the client. Guess I'm gonna get real good at intakes? FML. General Update I realized I billed 13 hours last week, so I'm about halfway to full time.

Day 11 of Journaling ~ Day 20 Game-Free Habits Done Today Cooked an actual meal Habits I Plan to do Later Today Uke Read Streaks (🔥New🔥 props to @Tabula rasa for inadvertently giving me this idea from his blog): Brush teeth twice: Current 1/Record 1 Floss: Current 1/Record 1 Read: Current 0/Record 0 Play Ukulele: Current 0/Record 0 Mindfulness: Current 0/Record 0 Less than 2 hours of movies/TV: Current 0/Record 0 Go to bed with no dishes in the sink: Current 1/Record 1 Cleaning duties on Sunday: Current 1/Record 1 Currently Reading Hillbilly Elegy, J.D. Vance Something I'm Grateful For Ebay. I recently listed my old graphing calculator as well as an old bicycle computer. I'm hoping to make at least $70 between the two. We'll see. Something I'm Avoiding My sleeping habits. Or, my problem with being tired all the time. Went to bed at 10 last night, got up at 7, had breakfast, then took at 2 hour nap. Wtf? Why is this my life? 9 hours of sleep and still needing a nap? I do wake up in the middle of the night every night to use the bathroom and drink water. Not sure what that's about—it hasn't always been that way. But I don't think waking up once a night should have this much of an effect. Maybe I'll try a sleep tracker... if I can figure out how to get a plug by the bed. General Update I've decided to add streaks to my journal. Some of it's small stuff like brushing my teeth, but when you're depressed, man, every little bit counts, amiright? Tabs gave me this idea because he intends to study on a streak. So... I'm expanding it. Bicycling isn't on there because winter is coming. Once COVID is over some sort of exercise will definitely go there (may exercise as a blanket streak, which I can fulfill either with biking, karate, etc). I also added mindfulness which I've never been able to do regularly, so we'll see how that goes. And I'm also not sure how less than 2 hours of movies/TV will go. FOR SCIENCE also why is there no beaker icon

Day 10 of Journaling ~ Day 19 Game-Free Habits Done Today Bike ride Acro Habits I Plan to do Later Today N/A, too tired Something I'm Grateful For Steven Universe. It's my favorite TV show. Closely followed by Avatar. Something I'm Avoiding Probably dealing with the amount of screen time I still have? A friend today was like, "Yea, you've replaced video games with TV." I don't know that that's entirely true, but I definitely have been watching more TV than usual. It's not a compulsion though, it's just the easiest thing to do when I'm tired and bored. Which is... often, lately. I have been feeling more motivated to read lately, but the SO wanted to watch Steven when I sat down to read. General Update Soooo tired... and don't know why. I have been biking more lately. Maybe my body is just getting used to the change. I feel like I'm sleeping okay. And day 19 seems too far out to blame it on video game withdrawal.

Day 9 of Journaling ~ Day 18 Game-Free Habits Done Today Bike ride (to and from work) Habits I Plan to do Later Today Probably some riffs on the uke before bed Something I'm Grateful For My clients, again. Something about good sessions just makes me feel so recharged. And I had only good sessions today. No no-call, no-shows. Two sessions ran short, for better or worse. They are more maintenance clients so I think that's okay. One session ran long, which is on me for just wanting to listen to people. Need to work on boundary setting in that regard. She came in with a plan for the session and everything though, I was just so excited... anyway, can't ethically bill for that, since she wasn't in crisis, so I'm just gonna say the first 52 minutes was therapy and the ten minutes after that was... scheduling... 🤔 And an intake that went really well. This person had been to a few therapists prior and didn't like them. Ten minutes into session they were like, "I've never gotten this far..." so I guess I'm doing something right. I'm pretty sure they'll come back. 😀😀😀 Wish I could share more, but, confidentiality. It's a little chaotic upstairs (in my brain) right now, the "how can people possibly like you" faction, allied with the "you might actually be good at your job" faction, is fighting the imposter syndrome faction, allied with the "people actually hate you and will leave you the second you feel safe" faction. Something I'm Avoiding Nothing!? !? ? ? My SO and I talked a bit today. She had perceived the conversation yesterday (my being unhappy) as breakup talk, which is not what I wanted. It makes sense, since a lot of people do break up when they feel unhappy. I guess for me, I don't expect to always be happy in a relationship. I really just wanted room to be unhappy, and when she gave it to me, that was what I needed, so I was being schmoozey when she thought I was pondering a breakup. Good. Communication. Is. Important. General Update The surface pen came today and I LIKE IT. I've already animated a bird flying. Okay, the bones of a bird flying. Okay, an 8-frame loop of the bones of a bird flying. But it's the start of something great. I can feel it. OR it's the start of another hobby I'll quickly grow tired of and put in the back of my closet, like my sewing machine, and my accordion, and...

Hey, thanks. Yea, better to have it out in the open. No relationship is perfect. And you're right, I feel less guilty and less drained. My neck has been getting worse over the past year or so. I think it's partly the way I sit at my desk—often with my feet up and to the left, meaning my neck is often turned right, so the right side muscles, I think, don't get stretched out as much. Partly it could be I ride my bike often, and often look over my left shoulder (riding on the right side of the road). Adding a pillow when I sleep, and sleeping on my back, has helped. Regular stretching has helped. Sitting up straight at my desk, instead of putting my feet up, has helped. We shall see how things play out...

Welcome. I know that feeling of flow. It's hard to get away from. And the anxiety, too. I'm on day 17. It gets better. I'm not sure how, but it does. Sounds like you have a lot of great habits and hobbies. Keep those up. I hear Canada has great nature, too. In the US there's this hobby called high pointing, basically you go to the highest point in every state. Maybe you could do the same with the provinces in Canada? Can Canada be broken up into more than ten parts, though?

Ah, it makes me feel a lot better that it's been 1.5 years for you. Even if you can't work with women... which like... what??? Is it a lot of trauma work? Or a liability thing? I can kind of see it if you were in-home alone with them, but I'm assuming they do background checks... that's rough. And frustrating. Yes, I'm getting supervised towards my license. My supervisor and I haven't really been jiving though. I think he's starting to get that he can't just lecture me all the time, that I actually need support, but... it's been rough getting going. I guess I am lucky though, supervision is provided by my organization. Glad you're starting soon; though, does that mean you've been working the past 1.5 years and not having it count towards licensure? 😑 Thanks for the reply! It's good you can recognize that feeling of being led on. It took me years to figure out. When I finally turned someone down because they wanted to be friends, but have a date-like relationship... it was hard at first. I used to give people the benefit of the doubt. But it feels a lot better now. I still give them the benefit of the doubt, but I'm not sacrificing my own emotional energy to do it.

Habits Done Today Bike ride Habits I Plan to do Later Today Play ukulele Something I'm Grateful For The internet. For giving me a place to run to when I need it. Something I'm Avoiding Feeling bad about things with my partner. General Update I told her I was unhappy. It didn't solve anything. It feels a little good to have my feelings out there. Hopefully things will be better in the long run—whether that means we are together or apart. I took a muscle relaxant today (legally, it's prescribed to me, don't worry) because of some muscle pain in my neck. Frick it knocked me out. I feel like I've been hit by a ton of bricks. I took half of one, actually. Usually it doesn't have this effect. Maybe it's the other new medication I'm on. I guess it's nice to have an excuse to be lazy.

You're an LPC? How many hours do you need to bill to get benefits? I started as an LPC-IT (in training) in July and am only billing at most 10 hours a week right now... I don't feel imposter syndrome, exactly, but it's hard not to feel some ambivalence about having such a small case load having worked for 3 months. I'm a little worried I'll get fired. But the no-call, no-shows usually aren't my fault... it's often that they can't figure out the paperwork online, because they don't have printers or fax machines, because who on Medicaid can afford a printer or a fax machine? COVID sucks. Did you get your 27 hours quickly or was it built up over time?

Day 7 of Journaling ~ Day 16 Game-Free Habits Done Today Play ukulele Habits I Plan to do Later Today N/A, it's late Something I'm Grateful For My therapist. It's nice to have someone who I think gets me, or is at least willing to try to. And is willing to go to the places I need to go. And treats me like I want to be treated. And forgives me for being resistant. I don't know where I'm going in therapy, or if it's working, but it's nice to have someone to talk to. And honestly, the research shows the most important part of therapy is the relationship... so maybe that's all that matters. Something I'm Avoiding I'm not sure. Maybe something about my relationship with money. I found out the Surface Pen was on sale today for nearly $30 off, which is nearly 30% off. I animated something using the lightboard and liked it... and then was like... what if I could use my Surface to animate instead of paper? So, ordered the pen. Guilt about spending money. Excitement about the prospect of a new hobby. Hesitance because I sometimes feel like I have too many hobbies. A friend recently told me, "you're the person who can do a million things." I sometimes think that's true... if I really want to do something I rarely let anything stop me. It is sort of a jack of all trades, master of none sort of deal sometimes. But I enjoy it. General Update So yea, there's the mixed feelings about having dropped $75 on a Surface Pen, after having spent waaaay more than my budget last month. I keep telling myself I'll spend less this month, but then things keep coming up... not sure what to do about it. I did mean to grab my commission report from work yesterday, so I could see that maybe I am, at least, making money, but I forgot. And it's probably best to buy what I need, and not try and justify things that might otherwise be frivolous just because I can afford them. Therapy was good today. We talked about this sensation of numbness I sometimes get in my head, like there's a block of stuff there, keeping me out. My therapist suggested maybe the block of stuff wasn't a particular memory or set of memories; that while I might have repressed memories taking up space in my brain, it might be a more meaningful hypothesis for the numbness sphere to be a feeling. A feeling that I've had for so long it's made a home. And maybe I feeling I've avoided for so long it's gotten numb. A feeling of... trauma? Loneliness? Not being heard? We talked about this time in second grade where I wrote this girl a letter telling her how I felt, which was angry that she didn't like me back. I'm not going to justify that, because it's never something I would do today. But that speaks to me of a 2nd grader that doesn't feel heard, doesn't feel like his feelings matter... I got in trouble for writing that letter, and ran away from home because I didn't want to be punished anymore. I didn't want to be punished for how I felt. I'm not sure what to call that feeling, but it sure as hell is a recurrent affective theme in my life. And fuck that, because all feelings are beautiful, and deserve to be heard, and felt, and honored. And that's when we ran out of time. My stomach hurts. It's almost certainly something I ate. I am lactose intolerant after getting giardia in Guatemala in 2013. The antibacterial treatment likely killed my lactase in addition to the giardia, or the giardia killed my lactase. Whatever. It sucks, though, because cheese is my favorite food. I have this idea about animating how I feel. Maybe I can animate the numb feeling somehow. I have this vision of it turning into a bird and flying away. Free to go wherever it wants. Free to be whatever it wants. Just... free. A feeling I think crave sometimes without knowing it. I have these recurring dreams where I can't move. I put all my effort into moving and I just can't. Then finally I realize it's a dream, and wake up into the same dream. Sometimes 10-15 times. Rarely, maybe three times, I have dreamt of this feeling of sort of freedom. More like I'm being propelled or uplifted or something. I'm not religious, but I imagine someone who is might describe it as being lifted up by God's love. I'm not sure how to explain it in secular terms. Like I'm on a rocket ship going to space, but there's no ship. It's just... energy. Taking me to space. Like the ending to Ki's game in VGHS, maybe (caution: it's a show about video games) (also, I totally have a crush on Ellary Porterfield). Maybe I can animate something like that. I guess I should go figure out this stomach ache and get to bed. I do have a client tomorrow at 9 AM. Hopefully they'll show up...

You should buy a hand churner for ice cream and then you could accomplish making your own ice cream. Boom.

I also hate schedules, at least for my non-work time (in my line of work having a schedule is required for your work hours), but they really do help for doing things you wouldn't normally do. If you block out a two-hour chunk of time to clean the apartment, what else are you gonna do? Watch a movie? No, that's scheduled for 7... I think it's fine to have some non-productive activities. Even Cam advocates for that, he calls it "resting activity" in Respawn. Especially when you first quit I think it's fine to do something equally as unproductive as games, but less rewarding (dopamine-wise). I definitely binged TV for the first week I quit. Now my brain has adjusted a little I'm hardly watching any TV at all. Might not be the same for everyone, but, food for thought. Also, I'm not going to look up research on this right now but I would bet my PC (ha) that some amount of do-nothing time is good for us. Are you on social media? I quit years ago and I think that has really helped with my need for instant gratification. I sometimes catch myself checking my phone every five minutes and that's what I know it's coming up again. But changing my routine from boot up PC > check email > check facebook to something more mindful ("What's my intention with booting up my PC right now?" > do that ONLY) really helped. I'd also encourage you to check out mindfulness if you haven't already.

Day 6 of Journaling ~ Day 15 Game-Free Habits Done Today Bike ride (to/from work) Habits I Plan to do Later Today N/A, it's late ...but maybe I'll play a song or two on the uke before bed? Something I'm Grateful For I'm grateful for my clients. This one client I have on Tuesday evenings in particular. Maybe it's that we have so much in common. Of course, he will never know. Today as I was walking him out he said, "I imagine your life is just so tranquil." I couldn't help but smile. Partly because when clients start wondering about you that can be a sign they are nearing the end of treatment. Partly, I'm not sure. Maybe it's nice to know that he cares. Maybe it made me feel really connected to him. I guess that's why I do the work that I do. It's the only way I know how to connect with people. But yea, my partner notices when I come home on Tuesdays after seeing this client. It's bittersweet, but I suspect he is coming to the end of his treatment and therefore his time with me. It's so invigorating to see clients change, and of course, the worst part about what I do is that it does, always, end. Often too soon. Something I'm Avoiding Being vulnerable with my supervisor. This one is hard because I don't often feel like he hears me, respects me, or cares about me. I know he probably does, in his own way, but it's not in a way that resonates with me. I think he is trying, though. And there aren't that many supervisors at my organization. So I can keep the status quo—not being vulnerable with him—or I can try and be flexible, and be willing to be vulnerable if he is willing to change. In the long run, that will probably be better. General Update I had three clients today and they all showed up! It's a miracle! Also, I had five yesterday and four showed up—that's pretty good. I am still nowhere near the 28 billable hours a week I need to maintain benefits, but at least I am still in the grace period for benefits. Who knows when that ends. Also, I got a light board. I want to try my hand at animating. It was definitely an impulsive purchase. I have a few ideas for animations I want to do, so I just looked on Amazon for light boards, and lo and behold, you can get them for less than $20. So... now I have a light board. Part of me is like... stop spending money, it's a way of manifesting avoidance; part of me is like, it's $20.

Hey @Tabula rasa, thanks for the comment. It's nice to know I'm not so alone. And yea... maybe the only way forward is through. 😐 Day 5 of Journaling ~ Day 14 Game-Free Habits Done Today Play ukulele Habits I Plan to do Later Today Catch up with friends (Monday phone call scheduled with one friend in particular) Play cards (Monday card night scheduled with S.O.) Something I'm Grateful For I'm grateful for the my musical background. I took piano from a very young age. I'm by no means a professional but it is nice to be able to pick up the ukulele and make some difficult songs sound halfway decent. I still have a long way to go before I could go to a park or a party and play something, but I am definitely getting better. Something I'm Avoiding Not sure. Still talking to my partner, but I put that on my part of the agenda for our weekly check-in, so that should remind/encourage me to bring it up at that time. Maybe something work related? I keep getting no-shows, which is really frustrating. I'm not sure what to do about it. As long as I have my training license I'm stuck in community mental health. And there's definitely a need, but community mental health is also where a lot of the no-shows are. General Update Nothing much has changed since yesterday. My partner did kind of a 180 yesterday which was a little odd. For the first part of the day she seemed really distant and grumpy about something. Then suddenly she wanted to bang. I didn't really feel comfortable so I turned her down. I'm trying to not use sex as an escape. But if we only have sex when I feel connected with her, there might not be much sex in my future. We'll see. I have been spending a lot of time thinking about my exes. Maybe it's an avoidance thing. Grass is always greener sort of deal. I still feel unhappy in this relationship. But relationships ebb and flow, don't they? It's unreasonable to expect to be completely happy all the time in any relationship. At the same time, I think I have some legitimate concerns. It'll be good to bring them up on Thursday (the day of our weekly check-in).

'Ayyyyy, I was just there! Currently day 13 for me. Yea, it's hard to know whether what you're feeling is withdrawal, or not enough sleep, or not enough sleep because of withdrawal, but... I think it gets better? It feels like it's getting better. And I'm been more motivated to do things I don't normally do, like clean, practice ukulele (my version of learning a new language), ... hang in there.

Day 4 of Journaling ~ Day 13 Game-Free Habits Done Today Cleaning the apartment Exercise (Tennis) Habits I Plan to do Later Today Work (on the weekend!) Ukulele Read Something I'm Grateful For I'm grateful for the raspberry Danishes at Whole Foods. I was just craving one this morning and walked to the grocery store and got one. I sometimes forget how a food or an object can make you feel something and am generally wary of spending money to have feelings, but damn, sometimes self-care can taste so good. Something I'm Avoiding Talking to my partner about how unhappy I am with our relationship. I swear I remembered her asking me to organize one of her closets, and I had spilled cat litter in there last week... frankly, because it was so unorganized it was impossible to get the bag of litter out without tipping it over. Anyway, I was cleaning the apartment and just took a lot of stuff out of the closet, swept and vacuumed the floor, then put it back in a little neater, and she was upset with me. It makes sense, it's her space, and I'd be pissed if someone reorganized my stuff without asking me. It's just frustrating that I remember her asking me to organize it for her, and she doesn't. And she keeps asking me I'm sure I want to quit video games. Today it was, "Are you going to be happy doing all this boring stuff like cleaning the apartment?" Really? You're getting on me for cleaning the apartment? I know these are small things but... it sure feels like they've been adding up. The only thing it feels like we agree on anymore is which TV show to watch, and even that's a stretch sometimes. It just takes so much energy to be around her, because she's so unsure of what she wants, so she falls into taking care of other people. But I don't need to be taken care of. I never have. I'm really good at being alone. And I'm tired of feeling like she's trying to fix me, or change how I feel, every time I bring something up. Part of me hopes the relationship is reparable and part of me just thinks we're different people... she's in a relationship to be in a relationship and I want to be in a relationship because that person, or those people, make me happy. I sure as heck don't feel happy in this relationship. To be fair, there is a lot that's changing in my life right now. Day 13 of quitting video games means I'm probably tired and irritable. It seems worth seeing if I'm happier over time. I just don't think she's going to change. It's going to have to be me. General Update I played ukulele yesterday. I'm still not sure where the motivation comes from to do things I didn't used to do. Normally I don't clean the apartment on Sundays either, but here we are. And normally I forget to do prep work for my Monday clients (mostly sending out Zoom meetings), but I've been reminding myself and I expect/hope to actually do it after submitting this. Maybe there is something to this no gaming thing. Even though I feel miserable all the time and have had crazy brain fog for most of the day today, and can barely stay present because I feel like I'm going to pass out all the time. Not from tiredness or any physical symptoms, just... being present is so. Exhausting.

Day 3 of Journaling ~ Day 12 Game-Free Habits Done Today Bike ride (mountain biking with the team) Habits I Plan to do Later Today ??? Something I'm Grateful For I'm grateful for the bicycle team. I volunteer as a coach at a high school. The team is through a national (US) organization called NICA. I'm absolutely wiped and I did the easy trail. I can't believe some people go out and ride twice as far, twice as fast. Of course, I'm also really out of shape. I haven't been able to motivate myself to exercise regularly for a long time. Something I'm Avoiding I'm avoiding the new habits I want to develop. I didn't practice ukulele yesterday and I wanted to put it on the list for today, but I'm worried I'll avoid it again. Why is it so hard to pick it up for even 5 minutes? Am I afraid of being good at something? I think a way I avoid things, too, is by spending money. I'm usually pretty frugal but last month I spent easily $500. It was on things I "need"—I don't gamble or anything like that. I put "need" in quotes because it is things I use all the time, sometimes daily, but of course, I was getting on fine without them before I bought them. They make my life easier. Right now all I can think about is getting a new bike, or at least a new fork. Maybe if I have "nice things" I won't have any excuses not to do things with my life. Or maybe buying things helps me avoid. Feeling... insecure? Insignificant? Incomplete? General Update Nothing really to update beyond having gone out mountain biking this morning. I did opt out of the coach's trip next weekend because if riding the easy trail in twice the time it took some of the more experienced coaches wiped me out this much, I can't imagine riding some of the trails they plan to do next weekend, for the whole weekend. Partly I'm sad I won't get to socialize and partly... well, glad I won't be spending next weekend freezing in a tent, exhausted, trying to make friends with people I don't know that well. It's easier to stay at home and not make new friends. But maybe that's just me avoiding again. They all seem like cool people. Maybe I'll cajole my partner into a bicycle camping trip next weekend.

Day 2 of Journaling ~ Day 11 Game-Free Habits Done Today Bike ride (to and from work) Habits I Plan to do Later Today Practice ukulele Acroyoga (depending on partner availability) Cook dinner Something I'm Grateful For I'm grateful for my clients. It's odd saying that now, because I've had two no-call, no-shows today, and a reschedule. So I biked into work for nothing. But my clients keep me going—some of them. There are a few that I really look forward to. It's weird, sitting in the office right before an appointment. I have this very distinct push-pull of simultaneously wanting them to come in, and not. I want them to come in because I like helping people. I didn't go to grad school for nothing. And of course, I like getting paid, and I'm at the end of my stipend (my workplace offers a stipend while you build your caseload. Then it's all commission. So starting next week, I don't get paid when people don't show up). Something I'm Avoiding But there is also a sense of "if they don't show up..." If they don't show up... what? What am I afraid of? Why is there a part of me that doesn't like helping people? I think at the end of my life my job is probably one of the few things I will look back on and be happy about. People now showing up is sure easier. Then, I don't have to work. But I think it's more than that. Maybe something to explore with my therapist. General Update I have been getting crazy bouts of what I think is best described as dissociation lately. It's just like I'm not fully present... almost like my mind isn't in another dimension. It's not like the dissociation I get sometimes where it's like I'm watching myself live my life, and not really feeling things, it's more like there's a tenuous thread connected to my body that goes... somewhere. And wherever that is, that's where I really am. Maybe that's why I'm afraid of clients coming in... because when I'm with clients is one time when I'm actually present. That's my superpower, being there for other people. I suppose it could be some sort of trauma response. If gaming is my way of avoiding trauma, then my body might perceive not gaming as dangerous. And dissociation is a trauma response for some people. I guess I just have to endure it long enough, sit with it long enough, that my body realizes it's safe... I'm not going to get yelled at, beat up, fired, or otherwise punished, I'm not in any danger... right, body? It's okay to just feel whatever it is you would normally feel right now. You don't have to run from it. I've been thinking, too about accomplishment. I think one reason I have trouble doing things like sewing, or practicing an instrument, is because it feels pointless. Like, I have this strip of really nice leather I got when I made my wallet a few years ago. I keep thinking, "I should make something nice out of this," but what would I make? I have everything I need. I don't want to walk around with something I don't need. Do I just make something pretty and put it on my wall? What's the point of making something if you're not going to use it? I guess logically, if putting in the work to make something is a form of suffering, and then end result isn't something you use, then the net result is just... suffering. But at least with video games, the "doing" part was enjoyable. There is no end result of video games, of course—no prize, nothing you can carry around or use—but as the "doing" part is enjoyable, the net result is enjoyment. I think that's the hardest part right now... how do I enjoy making or doing something where the process isn't necessarily enjoyable, and there is no usable end result? tl;dr... what's the point of life? Existential questions, today.

Hey royal panda, thank you for the reply and the encouragement! It sure is hard to let go... I'm sitting here like, okay, this is when I would game... what should I do instead? Acroyoga is a partner activity where one person "bases" by lying on their back and using their legs and arms to hold the other person in the air, who "flies." The flyer does poses like in yoga, but is not touching the ground because they are being held up; hence, the "acro" part (latin for "high" or "at the top"). It takes a lot of trust and communication in addition to each partner knowing their body. I'm nowhere near this good but here is an example of an acro routine (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Aw5_U-YC3E). I hope one day I can do that! Unfortunately, the best way to learn acro is to go to "acro jams," usually held outdoors in a park, where a bunch of people get together and do acro. You can teach, watch, learn, ask questions, etc. But because of COVID these aren't happening much right now. So my partner and I are just stuck in the same routine. Still, it's good exercise. Slalom rollerblading is doing rollerblading tricks while slaloming a line of cones. Turn down the volume before you watch this video, it's pretty loud, but here is a slalom rollerblade routine (https://youtu.be/djvtcB6aHq8?t=32). Thanks for asking!

Hello world, 10 days in and apparently it's time to start journaling. Why I'm Quitting I'm sure it's common to question whether one is actually "addicted" to games. That's where I am right now... sort of a "let's try and see" phase. I've had anxiety and depression since I was 12 or 13, around the same time my parents separated, which was just after my dad became physically abusive. Before we moved my dad was gone during the week so my relationship with him wasn't problematic aside from being nonexistent. After we moved, the shit hit the fan. I hadn't identified it until recently but video games were definitely an escape. I don't think it's a coincidence that before the move I would play only periodically (as far as I can remember, though I do have a distinct memory of fighting with my mom over whether I could go to bed with my Gameboy when I was maybe 7) and after the move I played near daily, often for the entire day. I have a lot of memories of forgoing chores to play. Most of my interaction with friends was playing video games. I dropped sports, eventually all sports. I never had trouble making friends or getting dates; on the other hand, I wasn't a social butterfly or chick magnet. I think that's what kept me from realizing it might be a problem. And to be fair, when one has abusive parents there is an element of just needing to survive. If video games keep you from getting physically beaten by your dad then okay, seems like a good reason to play. But my dad isn't in my life anymore, I cut him out a few years ago. And my anxiety and depression are still around. I have been in therapy on and off since 13, and have tried various diets and exercise regiments to no permanent effect. I do recall a few-week period last fall (2019) where I was on top of the world, and I attribute that to going to karate 3-4 times a week and spin class 1-2 times a week. Unfortunately, that's not currently possible because of COVID. That's been the hardest part about all of this, but more on that later. Anyway, I suppose video gaming has always been there as a sort of escape. My relationship with it comes and goes but aside from vacations and two periods in my life where I was living on my bicycle, it hasn't been absent from my life for more than a few weeks at time. So I want to see what happens if I live "normal" life without video games for a while. We'll start with three months. Part of me definitely hopes I can re-introduce it at some point, but we'll see I guess. There's a lot of things I want to do with my life that I haven't done. Sometimes I ask myself if I live a long life, then what will I regret on my deathbed. And I don't know if I'd regret saying I spent all of it playing video games or not. I don't enjoy anything else right now. But if quitting means hedonic adaptation will cause me to enjoy other things, then maybe I should quit and see what happens. So that's what I'm doing. What "Quitting" Means I do not play games with IRL friends more than once a week (sometimes not more than once a month) and then not more than five hours a session. So, I'm still allowing myself to play games with IRL friends, for now. For instance, my best friend from college and I sometimes play a game one night every other week for 2-3 hours while we catch up. We usually play different games than I was addicted to and I consider this more about catching up than playing games. I plan to be mindful of whether playing these games starts to feel "addictive;" i.e. if it's something I "crave" doing and do mindlessly I will stop. I am sure that these friends would support me if I said I wanted to be doing something else while catching up. I don't count playing a board game on Tabletop Simulator as playing a video game. Especially during COVID that seems particularly restrictive, since the only person I can play IRL board games with is my partner with whom I live. Habits I'd like to have instead (COVID Friendly) Play accordion Play ukulele Go for bike rides Mindfulness/yoga/stretching Get better at slalom rollerblading Cook more Habits I'd like to have instead (Post-COVID) Some sort of martial art (whatever's available near me; I have moved since karate) Lyrical hip-hop Acroyoga To-do List Organize my tools and spare parts Organize the other things I own (ex. current artwork sitting on the floor) Study for the NCE, get licensed Complete my list of sewing projects Complete the Command Center (a work project allowing others to adjust a software system I built without needing to contact me to do so)