codepants

Right!? I always feel so zen after acu. Like coming out of a really, really deep meditation. And my back and neck pain are 95% gone. It's actually to treat something else, I think I wrote about it earlier but I won't type it up again here. The back and neck pain are bonuses. Such good bonuses. 😂 thank you for sharing this wonderful moment. FWIW depending on what you want done you might be lying face down and not even see the needles. - - - It's weird, I feel like today should have been emotionally exhausting, but it wasn't. I had two intakes, a no-show, and a really difficult session. But I just feel like I want to keep going. The difficult session was a mom and son, son has ODD. ODD is hard because parent and kid usually feel drastically different... kid, like everything is unfair and overwhelming; mom, like kid can't handle any responsibility and explodes at the drop of a hat. Both of them cried, and kid might be going to the hospital this weekend for suicidal ideation. Odd as it sounds I think it's progress. SI usually means some part of us is dying... some part that isn't working. I was re-reading kid's notes and I think he may have co-morbid ADHD. If we can get medication for the ADHD that will almost certainly help with the ODD. It's such an exciting discovery, I want to call mom right now and tell her... but I should probably wait. #fridaynightenergy Oh, this morning my racing thoughts were accompanied by a voice that narrated what I was doing. Not a hallucination; it was thinking a voice, not hearing a voice. At times I talked to it (thought to it? I wasn't speaking aloud). At one point I had the realization I was literally having a conversation with myself inside my head. It was the weirdest shit. I slept like shit last night and kept waking up in the middle of my dreams, I think that probably had something to do with it. Anyway, I tried to be very mindful about it, welcoming it in, asking it to have a seat. I was annoyed with it, so I invited annoyance in too, and annoyance had a seat, and I guess they just went away after a while. wtf is my psyche.

Today was better, for some unknown reason. Therapy (as a client). Therapy (as a provider). Acupuncture (my provider thinks it can cure depression. I believe it can relieve the symptoms but I don't see how it could treat root cause if root cause is environmental and still present). I've also started taking turmeric and liver. I wouldn't say I "believe in" supplements but those struck me for some reason. Liver because up until 50 years ago we used to eat the whole animal. Turmeric because... I don't know, India? And both because research, of course. I like to live an evidence-based life.... Anyway, something is working. Or maybe I'm bipolar. So, I have this energy coming from nowhere, and I was super productive. Did lots of client stuff, a bunch of chores, cleaned the apartment, went for a bike ride, went grocery shopping... I realize now I didn't do all my habits, but that's okay. I still accomplished a lot. Oh, oh, and I made this handout on empathy for my clients. I think I'm going to stop tracking habit streaks and trust Loop (the habit tracking app I'm using) to tell me "how much of a habit" each one is. I explained this in my previous post. But I haven't been reading or doing mindfulness as much so... maybe I should track THOSE streaks? Ugh, motivation is so complicated. I also talked to lady friend more today about why I need empathy and it went pretty well. It felt like pulling teeth at times and she sort of made it about her in the end but it's progress. If she ends up seeing a therapist I think that will be really good for both of us.

Statistically speaking you are likely to relapse, but I understand the feeling of hopelessness... like it sucks you in and you can't get out. Like it's all you have and there's nothing else, and all you can do is game. You think about it every day and night. And there is so much more out there. What are your reasons to quit?

Your story minus kids is my story. Well, not exactly, but you know what I mean. Welcome. This especially. 🙂 Addictions are sneaky! And while I don't think every single hour of gaming was a waste, I do often wonder what I would be much better at if I had done better things than game. Instruments, sports...? I'll never know.

Had an individual appointment with the couple's therapist today, and also have my individual therapy today. It was nice to talk to someone. Maybe it hasn't sunk in how much being closed off to my S.O. is affecting me. But I just don't feel like I can trust her. I hope that changes, but if it doesn't... I deserve better. I have been keeping track of my habits in Loop, an app that's... pretty good. I like everything about it EXCEPT the only way to see your streaks is to put them on a widget on your home screen, and you have to do one habit per widget. On the other hand, the app is based on the premise that streaks matter less than throughput... if you do a habit 25 days out of 30, that's pretty good, even if your longest streak was only 5 days. I also ordered some posters for therapy stuff. Emotion wheels and a quote I really like. I hope to put them up in my office. I had three no-shows yesterday. One of them was one of my most consistent clients... I called him and he was super apologetic, he had just lost track of time. Must... not... internalize... And all my intakes this week are kids. I hate working with kids. Okay, I don't hate it, but it sure feels like I have no idea what I'm doing. How do you talk about emotions with someone who doesn't know how to talk about emotions? Anyway, it made my week much less exciting. I much prefer working with adults. The reality may be that I have to work with kids, though, if I want to make any money... they make up about 50% of the client base at my clinic, if I remember correctly. Just two years to licensure... just two years to licensure... It's been super windy lately, which has me worried. If it's windy all winter, that might make biking a pain, and I might never, or rarely be able to use a regular bike (as opposed to an e-bike). There is a part of me that's like, "if lady friend and I break up, I could move closer to work..." I could also date someone that makes space for me. It feels like I'm holding on to less and less sometimes.

Journal, journal, journal, I made you out of clay... and here's my post to-day.

That's an interesting idea. Sort of like looking back at photos of a relationship with a toxic ex. "Yea, I was so sucked in at the time, but in hindsight, I'm glad I got out." I think when you can hold both "gaming was fun at times and this moment made me feel proud" and "overall it was unhealthy and I'm better off without it," it's a sign of recovery.

Still not in the mood do update habits/do a formal journal, so here's a small update. Acupuncture today was good. I always feel super relaxed and zen afterward. Also saw the dr. today and we're trying a new medication. I'll start it Wednesday; I have a full client load tomorrow and don't want to be dealing with any side effects that may occur. Monday night is sometimes date night for lady friend and me. It was alright. We played a game, after deliberating for a bit, and after she read the rules A to Z while I waited... I dunno, maybe I'm just seeing the negative. I can't help but feel that if I was reading this journal I'd just see complaining. There is a lot in my life to be grateful for... I have a job, I have a partner, I have my health, a roof, food, etc. Maybe I just need to practice being more grateful.

"Self-help creep." 😅🤣😂 that shit is REAL. I can't remember if it was your thread I suggested this in but maybe you could have A days and B days? Like, do some habits on A days, and some habits on B days. That way, each day doesn't feel so cramped. I'm also considering adding forgiveness into my habits, i.e. I get one pass per habit per week. I'm just worried that will evolve into... pass creep?

Hey, thanks. I'll let you know when I have it. 🙃 Yea, it's just hard not to internalize the way people treat you when it seems like everybody is treating you that way. I have had this issue in my personal life, too, where I show up for people who don't show up for me. I've been working on trying to care less, internalize less... having the job I have will probably be good for me in the long run. I'm not religious, but god doesn't give us things we can't overcome sort of deal. I ended up in this profession for a reason... During training the CEO said the industry average no-show rate is 30%. I've asked around and either nobody knows or nobody is willing to share their or the clinic's actual no-show rate. I suspect things are worse with COVID, but it's so hard without actual data. I wish there was some sort of database or something that all therapists posted to. Even searching online doesn't yield consistent results. I did just run my numbers for October though, and I only had a 36% no-show rate. So in the grand scheme of things that's not too bad. I think just on a day-to-day basis, like last Friday when that individual day was 75%, it's easy to get dismayed. It doesn't help that insurance companies take a month to pay out, so I'm probably floating $500 right now... Honestly though, I feel better after typing that. My B.S. is in Mathematics, and I transitioned to counseling psychology partly because I like to think of pathology like a puzzle to be solved... like, if you look at the facts in the right way, it often fits together. Maybe doing math problems should be my mindfulness.

So, I came home from a shit day of work on Friday and was like, f*** this, I'm gaming. I had a 75% no-show rate, and just wasn't looking forward to spending the weekend with my S.O. Things have been slightly better between us—she's been in a better mood—but maybe I need to work more on me. I don't know. Also, this chick and I had been texting (S.O. and I have an open relationship), and she ghosted me. It has only been two days, and it was a holiday weekend, so maybe it's nothing. But it just feels like a bunch of stuff at once. I'd like to be able to use this to motivate some change, but I don't know what to change. It's hard to not take it personally when people don't show up, even though it probably isn't anything to do with me. Or, it could be to do with me, but I'll never find out more specifically. Maybe I need to be more selfish, and care less about whether people show up, or whether people care. I don't know how to value myself without caring whether people value me, though. Anyway, I did none of my habits Friday or yesterday except exercising. So, lots of counters to reset. I do have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. I have a $50 copay which is B.S. I'm hoping I can get medication for a mood disorder. I've just been so up and down lately. I've tried a bunch of SSRIs in the past and they haven't really helped, so while I probably meet the criteria for depression, treating it, psychiatrically, as depression, doesn't seem to be working. Whatever the case, I also have my second acupuncture appointment tomorrow, so I'm looking forward to that. Anyway, gotta motivate myself to get back on the bandwagon of good habits today, so I don't want to spend it all in one place.

For me I have found it when something requires all my focus. Rollerblading is most often that thing—it uses new muscle groups, requires balance, coordination, a sense of acceleration, and many more things I'm sure. Fortunately my job also puts me in a flow state sometimes. Certain clients, especially. I like to think that by practicing meditation I might be able to be in flow more regularly, even for less engaging activities like washing the dishes, but meditating is so hard right now. There's so much going on up there...

Thisssssssssssssssss is something I've really been struggling with. I've seriously been considering picking five things and not doing anything else (I think your list is already five things—French, speaking, meditating, exercise, stretching). I want to do ALL THE THINGS with my life. Too bad days aren't 36 hours instead of 24. Here's to cold, frozen hands. 🙂

My current acu provider doesn't bill insurance but I am hopeful if I submit, they'll cover part of it. I can afford to do it at least a few times out-of-pocket. Habits Done Today Bike ride Uke Dishes Brush teeth Floss Habits I Plan to do Later Today Nothing, too tired. Streaks Journal: Current 22/Record Don't Game: Current 31/Record Eat Leafy Greens: Current 0/Record 2 Brush teeth twice: Current 6/Record Floss: Current 6/Record Read: Current 0/Record 3 Play Ukulele: Current 5/Record Mindfulness: Current 0/Record 4 Less than 2 hours of movies/TV: Current 7/Record Go to bed with no dishes in the sink: Current 5/Record Cleaning duties on Sunday: Current 1/Record 1 Currently Reading I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression Something I'm Grateful For My own therapy. Couples therapy, actually. We didn't actually resolve anything—that takes time—and we may not resolve anything, but the idea of talking to someone exclusively about my relationship excites me. It's a lot of weight I've been carrying around. Maybe I didn't realize how much. I guess I can talk to my individual therapist about it, too. Something I'm Avoiding How freaking unhappy I am in my current relationship. It feels like I do the emotional labor for both of us. I need to start setting boundaries and telling my S.O. she needs to vent to other people sometimes. General Update Mostly what's above. Last day of mountain bike practice today, which is bittersweet. Time to put road tires on my bike, and maybe set up the trainer. Also time to open up a new day for in-person therapy. My schedule is filling up, which is exciting. I'll be in the office three days a week. Almost like a real therapist...

Acupuncture today was worth an addendum. I cannot remember the last time I felt this relaxed. No headache, no neck pain. My back pain has moved; I think the parts that were in pain relaxed and transferred the tension elsewhere. It takes a few sessions to get to the root cause sometimes. I really wish I had been more open to self-care in the form of acupuncture and massage earlier in my life. It is so worth it to pay someone to get rid of your pain. They cannot "fix" everything about your life, but if I could feel like this all the time, that is definitely worth some $$. Not to mention my acupuncturist is a delightful human being.

So proud of you that have have made it this far. Literally. (sorry, couldn't help myself) I am honored, too, to be a part of your journey, and to witness your vulnerability. What you said about bringing others closer, even in times of embarrassment or shame, really resonates with me. Life is better when we don't go it alone—we just have to find people we can share with, both the good at the bad. We may never meet but I am glad I got to read about you taking this step. Here's to many more.

Our hypothesis was that we'd be better at social interaction, role play, and improv. With Smash you just stare at a screen. With D&D you are creative, forced to improvise, interact with each other, etc. It is just a hypothesis. We can focus on the choices we make today and plan for the future. We can also acknowledge the role the past played in getting us where we are, learn from it, appreciate what was good, and mourn what was bad.

Habits Done Today Bike ride Habits I Plan to do Later Today Uke Mindfulness Read Dishes Brush teeth Floss Streaks Journal: Current 21/Record Don't Game: Current 30/Record Eat Leafy Greens: Current 2/Record Brush teeth twice: Current 5/Record Floss: Current 5/Record Read: Current 3/Record Play Ukulele: Current 4/Record Mindfulness: Current 4/Record Less than 2 hours of movies/TV: Current 6/Record Go to bed with no dishes in the sink: Current 4/Record Cleaning duties on Sunday: Current 1/Record 1 Currently Reading I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression Something I'm Grateful For Myself? 30 days, bitches. Also setting a bunch of records for my streaks. Which, it's good that I realize that, because that's about the only thing I have motivating me right now to do anything. Also, Craigslist. Got a punching bag! It's good. I can't help but hit it every time I walk by. Guy threw in a $30 pair of gloves, too. Something I'm Avoiding Discomfort about spending money. I just ordered a down liner and a motorcycle helmet. Found the down liner for about $75 off which was awesome. They are so I can keep riding my e-bike to work when it's cold. Because man, windchill is real when you're going 20 mph without pedaling that much. General Update My girlfriend and I are open to seeing other people, so I matched someone on OkCupid the other day, and I went today to message them, but they had unmatched me. I do not miss dating apps. Not in the slightest. Excited about this punching bag. I have to exercise every day now. I mean, I don't have to, but I have no excuses. Just need to rearrange the room a bit, right now it's rather unwieldily in the middle... Super tired today, not sure why. Will probably go back to sleeping in the same bed as my girlfriend again. I think the lighting in this room is the problem. I woke up at 3 AM last night and the night before and was like... is it 3 PM? Did I oversleep? There must be a streetlight right outside... and then kept waking up every REM cycle.

This video only exists on FB, so I feel kinda bad linking to it, but Adam Ruins Everything does ruin the ruining of the word "literally:" https://www.facebook.com/truTVAdamRuinsEverything/videos/nobody-likes-a-grammar-cop-literally-adamruins/585449938324418/ Magic would be a great way to meet a bunch of other shy people and practice not being shy. 🙂 My friends and I often wonder how our lives would be different if we'd played D&D instead of Smash Bros all throughout high school. For example, we might have developed social skills a lot sooner... 😅 Unfortunately though, the only way to play Magic during COVID is probably online. I lol'd. That is a cool line. I like to think I drop those little gems every now and then with my clients. Going to have to write this one down and use it sometime. It reminds me of that quite by Emily McDowell, “Finding yourself" is not really how it works. You aren't a ten-dollar bill in last winter's coat pocket. You are also not lost. Your true self is right there, buried under cultural conditioning, other people's opinions, and inaccurate conclusions you drew as a kid that became your beliefs about who you are. "Finding yourself" is actually returning to yourself. An unlearning, an excavation, a remembering who you were before the world got its hands on you. I think it is often the combined force of all the soft-spoken people in the right places at the right times that create change. Maybe that's just me.

Habits Done Today Bike ride (to and from work) Habits I Plan to do Later Today Uke Mindfulness Read Dishes Brush teeth Floss Streaks Journal: Current 20/Record Don't Game: Current 29/Record Eat Leafy Greens: Current 2/Record 2 Brush teeth twice: Current 4/Record 5 Floss: Current 4/Record Read: Current 2/Record 2 Play Ukulele: Current 3/Record Mindfulness: Current 3/Record Less than 2 hours of movies/TV: Current 5/Record Go to bed with no dishes in the sink: Current 3/Record 3 Cleaning duties on Sunday: Current 1/Record 1 Currently Reading I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression Something I'm Grateful For Tuesday is client appreciation day! I don't know what it is but I always have at least one good session on Tuesday. Did a role play today with a client that was therapy gold. I wish I could share more but, confidentiality. Feeling on top of the world though. Something I'm Avoiding I think maybe nothing? I'm sure there's something. I did have a tricky client today in a mom-fighting-with-son situation. I really empathize with son, but I have been that son. I need to figure out how to empathize with mom a little more. And the desired change is always the same: son must be obedient, do his homework, get good grades... I just don't know what to do with those. I can't make your kid do their homework. Maybe it's why I'm so uncertain about wanting kids myself. General Update Today was really good. In addition to client stuff, I cried this morning. My girlfriend and I sleep in separate rooms sometimes because we both sleep better, nothing to do with conflict. Well, I locked the cat out of my room and cat kept up girlfriend until 3 AM, so girlfriend was super pissed in the morning and did not have any affection to give. We didn't talk, hug, kiss, nothing. We took some space after breakfast and I started making my lunch and then she asked to cuddle. She got on top of me (me lying on the couch; we call this "playing beached whale"), and I just started crying. She asked what I needed and I said, "this." It was nice to feel like I was allowed to have feelings. Even though her being kept up by cat obviously sucked. In other news, it is freaking COLD out. Okay, it's only 40, but I ride an e-bike to work, self-generating my own 20mph wind chill. I'm going to have to switch to heated gloves pretty soon, here. On a regular bike (less wind chill and more self-generated heat) I don't need them until around 20 degrees or so. I may also have to get a down liner and a motorcycle helmet. I love my e-bike... I love my e-bike... Oh, and my 7 PM client cancelled, so I'm home early with time to do my habits before bed. So, while most Tuesdays are streak ruiners, this Tuesday shall not be a streak ruiner...

Well, stand first. I'm pretty good at patching holes. The mount is just two bolts and a bracket, nothing too serious. Good tip about slowly putting weight on it. You're right, I am feeling vulnerable and the craving gaming is likely avoidance, or at least regression to a less helpful coping mechanism. I still have a lot of processing to do about my relationships... it's nice things aren't so bad as they were Friday, but this high is likely temporary. There's still an air of uncertainty and a bit of tension, as there has been on and off for the past few months (even since the kid thing was first brought up in any serious light). Hillbilly Elegy was pretty good. It's a mix of a memoir and theories about how best to help those who are marginalized in particular ways (namely, impoverished and living in unsupported communities), and the author hypothesizes that in a lot of ways, we can't. It's not groundbreaking but worth reading if you are looking for new perspectives. In terms of activist education it is useful information, and might be a nice break from all the race-centered rhetoric currently abounding (important rhetoric; it can get exhausting to focus on one issue too intensely, for too long), though it comes across as pretty victim-blamey at times. Habits Done Today Uke Mindfulness Bike ride Habits I Plan to do Later Today Read Dishes Brush teeth Floss Streaks Journal: Current 19/Record Don't Game: Current 28/Record Eat Leafy Greens: Current 1/Record 2 Brush teeth twice: Current 3/Record 5 Floss: Current 3/Record Read: Current 2/Record 2 Play Ukulele: Current 3/Record Mindfulness: Current 3/Record Less than 2 hours of movies/TV: Current 4/Record Go to bed with no dishes in the sink: Current 2/Record 3 Cleaning duties on Sunday: Current 1/Record 1 Currently Reading Trauma Stewardship by Laura van Dernoot Lipsky I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression Something I'm Grateful For Meds. I get these muscle spasms in my perineum which are the least fun thing ever. It's part of Chronic Pelvic Pain Syndrome, a non-bacterial, chronic, recurring set of symptoms usually including GI sx and sometimes including muscle spasms. Basically every now and then I get a Charlie horse downstairs and there's nothing I can do, because it's not a muscle you can stretch. So I pop a load of painkillers and a muscle relaxant and I wait 15 minutes for them to kick in. Back before I had this figured out I would just bear down in excruciating pain for 45 minutes. Supposedly it's caused by storing tension around the pelvic area and can be relieved by physical therapy... that helped a little, but I actually have acupuncture in Wednesday, for which I am hopeful. Something I'm Avoiding Doing documentation. Again. Three appointments today. I'll do them tomorrow morning. It's just one intake, which was a doozy. Client has a number of neurodivergent identities, and it's going to be a lot of rapport building before we get to the therapy part of therapy. Seems like a cool person though, I am excited to get to know them. General Update Things are normalizing again (though normal is still not great). Girlfriend did not want to cuddle this morning, which caught me off guard. That's her right, of course, it was just really out of the ordinary, and AM cuddling (literally just cuddling, not an aphrodisiac) is one of my favorite rituals. But Mondays are date night, so after posting this we'll play cards or something, so hopefully that will be nice. I have been thinking about my ex a lot. I think she just made me feel heard, which is not something I feel often in my current relationship. Ultimately I broke up with her because I felt like I was her therapist... partly it was me, as I wasn't as good at drawing boundaries back then. Partly I think she actually needed a therapist and wasn't willing to go see one. I tend to do this, though, when my relationships get bad... think about my exes. Grass is always greener sort of deal. I need to get better at focusing on the present, and what I can do for this relationship now. Even though it does seem like there's nothing I can do, at times. At least if I'm focused I won't regret it later. I do feel I jumped ship a little early in my last relationship... I definitely have a tendency of doing that. I blame my parents. Only half joking.

@Lampshade, thanks. It's nice to feel heard by people who get it. It's really, really nice. I'll try the floor stand first. However, there is a ceiling mount listed on Amazon for bags up to 1000 lbs. I think I'm most nervous about finding the ceiling joist. I know how to do the knocking trick, but not being able to see it still make me nervous. What if I miss? Habits Done Today Uke Mindfulness Read Dishes Bike ride Habits I Plan to do Later Today Brush teeth Floss Streaks Journal: Current 18/Record Don't Game: Current 27/Record Eat Leafy Greens: Current 0/Record 2 Brush teeth twice: Current 2/Record 5 Floss: Current 2/Record 3 Read: Current 2/Record 2 Play Ukulele: Current 2/Record 2 Mindfulness: Current 2/Record 2 Less than 2 hours of movies/TV: Current 2/Record 4 Go to bed with no dishes in the sink: Current 1/Record 3 Cleaning duties on Sunday: Current 1/Record 1 Currently Reading Just finished Hillbilly Elegy, J.D. Vance Probably started Trauma Stewardship by Laura van Dernoot Lipsky next Something I'm Grateful For My partner. Though things have been hard, we had a moment today. I was really angry because I noticed that her cats have been scratching my dresser to get on top of the "murphy" bed (just a box spring and mattress we store vertically, tied with a string against the wall). They've been going up there since we swapped the office and bedroom maybe six weeks ago, and I just noticed the scratches now. I only paid $100 for the dresser on Craigslist, but it's a nice dresser; walnut, I think. The scratches aren't deep enough they can't be refinished out, but refinishing is such a pain... anyway, I got my girlfriend to show her and of course she goes straight to fixing. Can we put something on it, etc. I started getting frustrated until she said "I don't know what you want from me," and I just said, "I want you to be angry with me." So she suggested we get some pillows and hit stuff and... that's what we did. It still feels a little weird to be validated like that. Like, I'm holding back on feeling good about it, because if my feelings matter, there must be danger nearby, right? I hope it's the beginning of a new pattern. But even if it's not... it was nice to feel like she understood for once. Hopefully she won't tell me later she felt like she was "playing a role." And we did put a mat on the dresser for now. Something I'm Avoiding Doing documentation. I had three intakes last week, which like, hooray for new clients, but f*** me it can be so much paperwork. General Update Feeling better since yesterday. Today was productive, my second day in a row of doing all my habits, except for eating leafy greens. I'm considering buying powdered vegetables and putting that sh*t in a smoothie. I'm just not used to eating salads yet. But it feels good to have done all my habits. I am still thinking about playing a game later. I will probably not, just to see if I can make it at least 30 days. But I think if I played with everything on my to-do list done, and my daily habits done, if I played for less than 2 hours that seems like where I might want to end up. Especially if it's on a Sunday. Playing on a weeknight seems more dangerous for some reason.

Habits Done Today Uke Mindfulness Read Dishes Bike ride Habits I Plan to do Later Today Brush teeth Floss Streaks Journal: Current 17/Record Don't Game: Current 26/Record Eat Leafy Greens: Current 0/Record 2 Brush teeth twice: Current 2/Record 5 Floss: Current 0/Record 3 Read: Current 1/Record 2 Play Ukulele: Current 1/Record 2 Mindfulness: Current 1/Record 2 Less than 2 hours of movies/TV: Current 1/Record 4 Go to bed with no dishes in the sink: Current 1/Record 3 Cleaning duties on Sunday: Current 0/Record 1 Currently Reading Hillbilly Elegy, J.D. Vance Something I'm Grateful For I'm trying really hard to think of something but I'm just not grateful for anything right now. I dunno. A roof over my head. Having money to spend when I think that spending money will make my problems go away. Something I'm Avoiding See below. General Update Today sucked. I got up at 7 and laid on the couch until 2 staring at the ceiling. Somehow motivated myself to go for a bike ride and go to the grocery store. Watched some TV. Now about to get ready for bed. I'm just so depressed. I can't talk to my girlfriend at all. She doesn't want to validate how I feel; when I ask her to, she says it's me that needs to change. Fuck that. We have couples therapy on Thursday, maybe that will help. Or maybe I should just fucking kill myself. (I'm not going to, and my therapist is apprised of my suicidal thoughts. But to not share them would be to be dishonest with myself. And I am the one person I can always be honest with. I think). "You have to be honest with yourself about how bad it feels so you can move on." It hurts a lot. So much that I want to lie on the couch all day again. But I have to document... I might be getting a punching bag and stand for $150. The stand alone is $150 on Amazon and a comparable bag about the same, so it's maybe half-off the two together. Thank you Craigslist. Of course, it all depends on if the seller will deliver. I don't own a car and while I'm proud of the many things I've delivered by bicycle, a 100 lb punching bag is a bit much. It won't be the same as karate since I'll be by myself, but at least I'll get to hit something. And I can never make an excuse about the weather again... Like seriously we finished an episode of TV and I asked if she wanted to watch one more, and she said, "There's nothing else we can do. It's not like we can talk." And then she wanted to have sex. Fuck that. No pun intended. I did almost game today. I came real close. For a while I was planning on it. Bike ride, shower, meditate, uke, read, then game. After doing everything on my to-do list, I was going to game. To get away from it all. Because I don't know how to better myself out of this. I just feel so stuck. It's those freaking snowplows in Workers and Resources: Soviet Republic. It's so satisfying to watch them. Like, they just plow the roads, problem solved. Unstuck.

Habits Done Today Nothing Habits I Plan to do Later Today Maybe brush and floss? It's been a shit day, I have no energy. Streaks Don't care right now. Currently Reading Hillbilly Elegy, J.D. Vance Something I'm Grateful For My manager. At the end of my work day I went into her office and asked if I could dump and she was like, yea. It was really nice. Something I'm Avoiding See below. General Update In addition to 50% no-shows today my partner and I had a really hard conversation. I've just been feeling like we disagree all the time and she isn't sure she wants to put work into the relationship unless I'm sure I want kids, which I'm not, and I don't know when, if ever, I will be. So she wants me to empathize with having a biological clock and I'm like... I don't have a biological clock. I could guess how a client might feel but I just can't put myself in her shoes. Maybe there's some sort of resistance there. I know I don't want kids in a relationship like our current one. It was a 2-3 hour conversation and I'm just exhausted. Part of me is like... well, I bet I can get a really nice 1-bedroom around here. And part of me is like... but I really like this person, and I've invested so much, and why can't we just live in the moment and not worry about whether there will be kids in our lives five years from now. I'm also used to tumultuous relationships, because of my history of being abused, and she's not, so she's hit pretty hard by this, and I'm just sort of waiting to see how it resolves. Almost bought a punching bag today. Found one on CL for $100 and messaged them, then realized the same bag is on Amazon for $90 (the CL ad included gloves). I asked for $80 (since it's all used) and they declined. I think a punching bag is a good idea though. It's indoor exercise you can do no matter the weather. I'm thinking about ordering one; at the least, I'll keep an eye on CL. There is a pipe in the storage unit downstairs I could mount it to; I'm hesitant to mount it to the ceiling of the apartment but I think that's possible...?

I may at some point do Bikram yoga; I am focusing on meditation for now in terms of solo body practice. For some reason it's very hard to motivate myself to do yoga solo.