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About janppi

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  1. A week ago I came back to this forum for the 4th or 5th time. I vowed to never play video games again to save my future and enjoy life. Well, here we are a week later. I relapsed immediately the day after. It just feels that it's impossible to quit. It's damn hard to even take a break for one single day. Yesterday again I noticed that I was getting anxious when I was at my girlfriends place overnight. It feels like I can't enjoy life without games at all... Nothing brings the same satisfaction and I refuse to accept the boredom that follows quitting. I refuse to accept the feelings caused by 6 lost games in a row in league of legends too, so I have a paradox. BUT! There is light in the end of the tunnel. After my last discussion with my doctor, he advised me to go to a psychiatrist to evaluate if I am going through adulthood ADHD / ADD. I mean, I was diagnosed with the latter when I was 7 years old. I have always found it hard to concentrate on anything except the funniest things in life. I simply lack the patience and self-control to succeed in anything demanding like that, and the sad thing is that I am completely aware that I would have the "talent" and the facilities to become something in life. So maybe if I get the diagnosis, I could hopefully get better at controlling myself, my urges and my life in general. I could probably study and concentrate for more than 3 minutes at a time... Oh that would be so nice... Sad thing is that right now I feel like I want to quit gaming but I am 100% sure that tomorrow I will regret my decision again and because I feel so sad and f'ed up overall, I will use gaming as means to reward myself for getting through a day and persisting through the sad and empty feelings. I have felt miserable from inside for years and this mostly concerns my physical wellbeing. The mental side usually comes along when I am gaming and lose too many games or get annoyed by my friends who make fun of me taking gaming too seriously. I am glad that I have taken cycling as a new hobby, already did 50+ kilometers in just 3 days so that's a start.. I wonder when I can get started with this project (quitting gaming). I know the "... acknowledge the problem and accept it" and "you just need to start no matter what" things and it's just overwhelming. I need to do it cold turkey, there is no in between for me. That only works if I play something different from League of Legends, which has been my go-to game for over 10 years now. I can't stay hyped with other games like siege or overwatch for more than a week at maximum. Those would be the games that I play with some kind of sense of the time used to it and wouldn't take it as seriously. The downside is that I get bored to them so easily and they don't seem fun anymore. League of Legends definitely is no fun, it's more the ranked ladder anxiety resolving to victorious gaming streaks and rising higher in the ranks, which keeps me hooked to the game really effectively. Ok. May this be the opening rant for my project. Let's hope that I can get back into this journal really soon so I can get myself going with this project...
  2. Long story sho... long story long. It's my 4th time joining this forum. I am 27 years old and gaming has been dictating my life for a long time, probably since I was like 5 years old. Lately I have been disturbed with questions inside my own head. I keep thinking: "I want to quit gaming and do something to promote a career, get a personality" but after that I keep thinking "meeh, how about giving gaming another chance, let's take one more shot at league of legends ranked queue and rise the ranks to top 1000 players. C'mon, you have been doing it for 10 years already. Don't let those hours go to waste" So after thoughts like the ones above, I've been asking myself, why is it so hard for me to make the decision to quit? Do I need to leave my gaming friends (who are also irl friends) behind because all they want me to do, is to play games with them? Am I not able to enjoy gaming with my girlfriend again? Will our relationship suffer from this? And then again I am also asking myself; can I finally build the career that I always wanted? Could I finally be able to work consistently for more than 3 months in a row? Could I finally break out of anxiety and depression that my gaming habit has been suppressing through escapism? The bolded one is the strongest motivation for me. Throughout my adulthood I've suffered from symptoms of depression and anxiety (partly due to another medical condition) and gaming has been the cure so far. Or so I have thought. Probably, though, I've come to realize that these symptoms have risen during the time when I have had access to unlimited gaming opportunities and I have let gaming go completely sideways. I'd like to write down some examples here just to help myself accept my addiction: -Whenever I have taken a test to determine the risk for gaming addiction, it has stated with 90% accuracy, that I have a problem. Also, I state aloud every week - to my girlfriend - that I have a problem with gaming and I need help with it. -during the time frame from 2010 to 2021 I played AT LEAST total of 5000-7000 hours of League of Legends, and spent over 1500€ in the game. -League wasn't even the only game I played, I played CS, Siege and Overwatch for more than 700 hours combined during this time. -I started a degree in computer science in 2013, I am still due with my bachelor's... -I have strong faith in the thought, that my life would be a 1000 times better if I didn't play video games. -There would be 4-5 months in a year when I would play games or watch videos about them (eg. WoW, LoL) 14 hours a day for every single day. And the list would go on. My other issues are internet usage in general. I love internet. i spend tens of hours in a weekly basis just watching videos (about league) in youtube and this bothers me. My current dream career would be either in medicine or IT. It feels bad to quit gaming because one thing that would fascinate me, is to learn how to make money by programming games and software myself. Obviously game development isn't gaming but you can't argue that you have to be in some kind of connection with gaming when working in the industry. Other than that I wish I can build an even better relationship with my girlfriend, I can get a job and get on with my life. I am so tired of watching other people succeed, while I am basically standing still and going nowhere. I want to admit that I have a problem and that I need to quit. There would be so much to tell here again but maybe this wraps up the worst things about my addiction. I feel miserable to start a detox but I know I have to do something for things to change, since even the antidepressants I am currently on didn't do anything. Thank you for reading. From tomorrow onwards I am going to start a new journal. -Jani
  3. Hello Jared, I just "respawned" a couple of days ago too. I read your entire post. I already apologize for any language issues here, as I am not using my native language πŸ˜› The things that especially drew my attention are listed in the quote, and man, you really had a similar situation like me, for a long time. I can pretty much identify myself from your text, with the exception that I might be a little younger than you, so the games that I used to play were different. Also in my adult years, I mostly played competitive games only. One big thing is also that I am not an OCD-type of a person at all. Did you ever watch Black Mirror from Netflix? It has an episode with a similar idea, like this Sword Art Online that you mentioned. It's in Season 4 if I remember correctly πŸ€”The SAO idea seems really fascinating though and it's no wonder that you had the "breakpoint" watching that. Interesting. The idea of abandoning most of the on demand entertainment (in form of games of course) is really scary if you are addicted. I can easily recognize myself from your feelings of isolation too. It is also good to see that you have plans, they make the beginning of the quitting process so much easier and give a ton of motivation! Many people would say that you should think beyond the 90-day detox period (as you mentioned that you are not sure if your game-free period will last beyond that time). I will not be going into that because I failed the detox so many times before and I am nobody to be saying stuff like that - I'll leave that to the experts here πŸ™‚ I wish you a lot of good luck in this journey. I just wanted to say all this because of the kind of "connection" your story had to mine. -Jani
  4. Hi and thanks for the warm wishes πŸ™‚ I am well aware of the toughness required for this journey since it's my third time already on these forums since 2017 πŸ˜„ It is very true that the exhaustion is going to kick in in the beginning stages, yet it always gets me off guard. Yikes. I have a somewhat addiction prone personality, so it doesn't make things easier. Being aware of things like the dopamine in this case, is really beneficial though, because it makes a rational mind to process things more effectively. It is easier to feel that there is a reason for the addiction and therefore it's also easier to accept it. I just hope the worst part will be over soon. Really appreciate someone replying, thanks a lot πŸ™‚ -Jani
  5. My journey towards a life without games and endless procrastination started on September 29th 2020. I was very heavily addicted by League of Legends. Step 1 was to admit myself that I have a problem and that I should make it clear to myself, that I just can't play League in moderation. Other games are not as appealing - on the contrary they are usually even boring and feeling mostly waste of time, as my friends do not really play anything else either. This decision will make me lose most of my social contacts, but hey, I can always make new ones! Days 1 and 2: Yesterday was the first day of this long journey. The feelings for the day were constantly as if I had left behind some important person in my life or something like that... I felt like missing out on something because I was not gaming. At the same time feelings of hope about the past started to kick in. I was finally doing something about my life. I also spent a lot of time chatting with my gf. I was and I still am on a bad sleeping rhythm - woke up at 1pm yesterday after falling asleep at 4am. I made food extra-early because of not gaming, and headed for band practice with the guys. It was super fun and productive again! After the band stuff, I made lyrics for one of our songs. The poem tells about one's passion for performing music or any type of art to an audience. Going to pick up that again today and carry on writing. As for today, I managed to fall asleep early with melatonine the night before so even though I woke up at 5am after just 5 hours of sleep, I am not too tired. Probably still going to catch more z's soon. Always feels hard to change the sleeping schedule, but I am sure it's now a lot easier because gaming is not keeping me awake until 3 or 4AM. Other things to do: Gym with a friend, playing guitar and composing something new maybe... Watching House and eating a lot. Eating more is actually one thing that I want to focus on during the detox. I have always been small and I want to work out and eat more so that I can gain a few kilos. Let's see if I can reach a goal here. I am currently 76 kilos. If I can reach 82 kilos, I am happy. I am also going to update the level of cravings and trying to evaluate the level of procrastination for the day/days that I go through here. A bigger value means more cravings for gaming or more procrastination on everyday chores and studies. Cravings: 8/10 Procrastination: 7/10 A good start towards a better life though.
  6. Hello again GQ I decided to give this community another shot... I quit gaming for the first time 3 years ago and I joined this forum with nickname Yani, too bad I couldn't get my hands into my old account anymore haha ^^ Back then Cam was able to restore that account for me so if the same is possible now, I would be in deep gratitude πŸ™‚ Anyway. Back in the day, I wrote the detox diary stuff here for like 80 days and I noticed that it was super good for the quitting process. At least for me it was, it might not be the same for everyone. I am a person who likes to be noticed and who is ambitious. Gosh... as you can see it's really hard for me to start telling about my gaming addiction through all this confusion, self-pity, even hatred and bitterness... These are literally the thoughts running in my head as I am writing this. I came out from my last league of legends game 15 minutes ago and am now feeling so many things. All negative. The real story begins here I am now 27 years old. I started playing computer games when I was 3 years old. Until I finished high school, I had no problems with gaming - probably because I was safely under my parents' watching eyes and they didn't really like my gaming habit. Luckily they inhibited it a little so the situation is not as bad nowadays as it could be. After high school and the mandatory army service I started university studies in my hometown, Kuopio (in Finland). This was 7 years ago. I have been stuck doing my bachelor's for seven. damn. years. Usually a computer science degree like that is easily done in 3 or maximum of 4 years but for me it has taken 7. I am almost done though, which is nice. Anyway, as I started the uni studies and got a bit more independent (rented an own apartment etc) the gaming problem began to rise its head. I have always been into sports and different hobbies but slowly they began to not be as enjoyful and fun anymore. They became a means of coping with the gaming induced anxiety. First I had maybe like 3-5 hobbies (including golf, gym, jogging, guitar and band among others) and then I had nothing. Boom. I found myself playing games for 7-10 hours a day. At this point I had to move back to my parent's because I didn't study and I stopped getting money. Also I was no longer depressed so all the benefits were not there anymore. It was time to joing Game Quitters for the first time. After joining GQ, I vowed to never touch a game ever again. It was 2017 autumn. I had a dream of getting into the medical school and I had applied two times already, being clearly rejected just because I was bad, lazy and didn't have the concentration nor the techniques to study effectively. I figured that this might be gaming induced too. I started the 90 day detox here. I kept the quitting diary for 80 days or so, completed the 90 day detox and carried on with not gaming for almost 200 days. The entrance exams for the med school passed by and I got the results again. I didn't get in. It was heartbreaking. I was rejected from my dream after giving up on another - becoming a professional gamer. My brain was in a state of meltdown and nothing seemed to fix it. I was really lonely at the time too so I bought a new gaming PC with the money that I got from work, and started gaming again. Big mistake It was a big mistake. Since then, my life has been a constant downhill. I got sick - probably due to not sleeping well and not excercising - and was soon diagnosed with subclinical hypothyroidism. In short, this is a condition where your neck's thyroid gland doesn't release or make enough thyroxine, which is a hormone that you need - again in short - to function well on a daily basis. I started isolating myself into my home. My main problem in gaming has always been League of Legends. I swear that this game took more from me than anything else in life so far. In season 8, around 2018 I reached my desired rank of diamond after countless hours of play. I had no job, was barely working out in gym and I studied just a few courses in an annual basis. 2019 - girlfriend, gym, quitting, resuming, quitting, resuming In late 2019, I had decided not to play league anymore, and I was more into R6 Siege, PUBG and WoW. I met my girlfriend in December 2019 and one of my dreams had come true. I had a romantic relationship. It was not my first one and not even the second, but it is the first one with real love and real feelings. So as we grew closer, great joy brought black clouds with it. The life in a relationship was not as easy as I had thought. My gf and I both had some issues simultaneously. I was mostly struggling with my thyroid related problems and all this started to affect my stress levels. I had to cope with the pain. It was time to open League again and join my friends to play 5v5's in the rift. This was probably 9th or 10th time during 7 years that I had stopped and started playing this game again. My girlfriend quickly realized that I started playing this nemesis game again. I started showing dark and vile emotions, sometimes directed to her (mostly in bursts of rage after being frustrated because of a ranked game loss). Coronavirus outbreak had started during this time too. It didn't make it easier. EVERYONE was just inside and playing games. I had to be there too. I hadn't worked anywhere in the last 7 months. I eventually went to a familiar work place, just to turn back after 1 week to say "I quit" and return to gaming. My girlfriend has been my only strength, the only silver lining during these hard months. She's the one who has kept me from exceeding 18 hours of gaming every day. Current situation and why I quit (This is important to me to clarify it to myself and tell it aloud) For the last year I have played so much that I lost track of the hours. It's somewhere between 7000 and 10000 hours. In the last 10 years I also invested 1300€ in this video game. Only to get skins and chests. Not to mention that I bought a 1500€ gaming PC on top of it. I managed to peak in platinum 1 division and then dropped almost back to Gold. The rant about the state of the game would be its own chapter, I can deal with that later. More importantly I've come to notice that I have spent on average 14 hours a day on weekdays (Mo-Fri) every day, just sitting on the computer, watching YouTube videos about League strategies and playing the game itself. I have been completely clueless about how to quit. I tried putting my computer away in a closet, disconnecting/leaving from my gaming friends' discord server, uninstalling the game(20+ times) and lately even trying to delete all of my LoL accounts. Deleting the accounts would have been the cure but there was a culprit; when you "delete" the account, it actually goes into a 30 day delete-queue and during that time you can still revert the deletion process. My friends invited me for a LAN party last summer, so I cancelled the deletion processes. Not any of these things have worked and I am clueless. Now I am probably planning to send this gaming PC to my parents so that they can hide it somewhere in their house, thus leaving me without a PC. I would still have my laptop and playing LoL is possible with it too. Goals What I know is, that I can't keep up living like this. I know this has been a lot of text, but it's already helping me to relax and think my own situation through. As I said, I have goals in life: I want that my band is successful (I play bass and compose songs there), I want my CS Degree out, I want to make my girlfriend happy and I want to see the world with her. I know that none of this is possible if I am still gaming and I also know that I am too far gone to stay in the gaming and "play in moderation". I also want to sleep more and become healthy so that I can finally start working and not stress over ranked games so that I lose sleep (It's 2AM btw :D) I know it's selfish of me to think that someone actually reads this in its entirety. I just want to say that I am here to also boost other people's quitting mentalities and I want to help others in their processes. I hope that I can be true to myself this time and quit gaming for good. Thanks for reading, I hope my story can help you all in some way. Maybe as a peer's support? -Jani
  7. The topic drew my attention - a fellow LoL quitter here too. Wishing you all the strenght and luck in quitting that menace of a game. -Jani