MuMuMelon

Day 27 Had a nice visit with my friends but I'm glad to be home. I thought being around them would be a bit of a challenge as they are both seasoned pot smokers. Interestingly, watching them smoke joints actually made me glad that I've stopped. I'm not sure what it was but watching them smoke really made me not want to. So I call that a win so far. I'm starting to enjoy the process of quitting. I'm getting more clarity every day. I continue to do Yoga and (try to) meditate every day, sometimes twice. I'm getting a lot more flexible too. Before I quit I could barely touch my toes. Now I can nearly place my palms on the floor. Things with my wife are improving too. We talk a lot more and we try to spend time together every day. It's been a very nice change. I was very happy to get home and see her. Tomorrow I'm going to get back to learning FL Studio and do a few Spanish lessons as well. I've still got a long way to go but it's nice to learn some new things. I'm going back to work on August 4th, so that will be nice but also a little scary. I swear if somebody comes to work sick I'll lose it! All in all I'm very happy with myself. I haven't played video games, smoked weed or smoked cigarettes for nearly a month. I physically feel better and I'm getting mentally clearer. Really glad I found this site.

Day 26 Still out of town at my friends place. Had a nice day. Did some work on his new Gazeebo and then spent the rest of the day chatting. I'm leaving in the morning bright and early. It's been nice to get out of town for a while but I'm looking forward to getting home to spend some time with my wife. I'm typing this on my cell phone so it's a little more challenging to get a lot out. I'll have more to say tomorrow. Night all.

Day 25 I'm been out of town visiting some friends and I will be till Sunday. I just realized that I'm supposed to be adding entries to this journal everyday. I certainly haven't been doing that up until now. I plan to change that starting today. I'll add some more before bed but for now I'm going to hang out with my friends. So, I felt a little bad about something today. My friends 5 year old son really wanted me to play video games with him, but I had to say no. I didn't get into why. I just told him that I would watch and help if he wanted. I never got the urge to play but I did feel bad for playing with him. He's a good kid. We ended playing outside later and we had some fun running around. I never realized just how out of shape I've become with all the smoking. Cardio is now a priority.

I'm 44 and I can honestly say that I'm still not sure what I really want. That likely has to do with the fact that I played video games religiously until a few weeks ago. As for you, wanting a family of your own is nothing to be embarrassed about. That's something to be proud of. As to Road number 3 - if you know you won't be happy don't do it. Why even consider that option? It sounds like you've got a lot of work ahead of you but you also sound confident in your abilities. All the best in your studies and I hope the road you pick leads to happiness!

Day 22 - Still going strong Mornings are tough these days. I'm not sure if I'm having nightmares or what but I'm always waking up way earlier then usual and with crazy tension in my neck and shoulders. Lately I've been waking up at 5 am, which is strange as I usually get up around 8. Today I woke up at 4:30 in the morning feeling terrible. All the relationships that I neglected or didn't foster because of my game playing were on my mind. I felt guilty and ashamed. Every morning for the past week or two has been the same. Waking up to reminders of my past failings and regrets. Nice. Although the day started off crummy, I do feel much better at the moment. After I got out of bed I made a healthy breakfast (fried egg with avocado on toast) and then did some Yoga. The tension in my neck and back was much improved after that. After that I went out to do some errands. Once the sun hit my face I started to feel better about things. I realized that for the first time since I quit I felt more in control of my emotions again. It's still not perfect but I do feel a lot better in that area. Little things can still set me off but not as much as before. I also realized that I need to stop watching the news, going on Facebook, and just stop surfing the net in general if I want to feel better. There is so much bad news today and it really affects me. I want to pay attention and be informed but right now it's just not worth it. I asked my wife to let me know if anything truly important comes up but otherwise I'm done with all of it. I've got enough negativity floating around in my head. I don't need anything else added to it. On a different note, I realize I need to make myself more accountable to the goals that I set out for myself for the day. I've been letting things slip and always with the excuse that "I'm going through some shit right now, it's okay to just not do anything". I think part of the problem is that I've been giving myself too many goals to accomplish in a day. I need to go more easy on what I expect from myself for the next few months. Things with my wife have been improving too. We talk more now and we're trying to get out when we can. Usually that means going to the grocery store together or for short walks in the evenings but it's still more then what we used to do. Here schedule is always so crazy that she barely has time for herself, let alone free time to hang out. I respect the hell out of how hard she works, I just hope when I get back to work, she'll give herself time to relax. Anyway, I'm off to make some dinner. Good luck everybody!

Day 20 Today, although my head is still quite foggy, I'm not feeling angry so much. I don't feel like my head is clearing but maybe hopefully my moods will get stable. I've been starting my days doing a short, beginners yoga session. It really helps to work out the kinks and stiffness I get after sleeping. In the morning I find my neck and shoulders are incredibly tense but after doing 20-30 minutes of Yoga things really loosen up. I have noticed that my flexibility has been improving also. I'm going to add Yoga and meditation to my daily routine. They just make me feel good. Also, starting tomorrow I plan to start jogging. I've been going on long walks (10,000 - 12,000 steps) everyday but I believe it's time to step up my game. I would like to slowly work on improving my lung capacity after having smoked for so long. Also, I've got 20-30 pounds that I would like to lose. Jogging should help. That and I should probably try to not eat so much junk food. I've been allowing myself a little too much junk while I've been going through this initial quit phase. Haven't really missed playing video games the last couple of days. I'm selling my Nintendo Switch this week to somebody online. I plan to use the money to get the rest of archery equipment. I took archery lessons last year and was really enjoying them but I simply didn't have the money at the time....well, that's not entirely true. The truth is I spent my money on games instead. Not this time. I'm feeling good today. Hope you all are too.

It's easy for people who don't have (or don't realize they have) an addiction to something to tell people how you should play. The three times I brought up my video game addiction to my friends in the past I got the same kind of responses you did. Just play in moderation. That's like telling a drug addict to just do drugs every once in a while. I know it sucks that you don't get to hang out with your online friends. I too have a bunch of friends that I've made over the years through gaming. Some of them have become friends of mine in real life. Unfortunately, the only things that we really have in common are video games. I'm glad you're going for another attempt. Every time gets a little easier in my experience. I wish you all the best!

Hey, @Lunaa__, it's not my place to ask but I just wanted to check in and see how you'be been doing? I hope that you continued to stay quit, but I'm not here to judge either. I realized that I really didn't answer your question properly the first time I responded. You asked if it was okay to play in moderation, maybe two hours per week. I never answered that question specifically. My answer is no, at least not right now and maybe never....let me explain, and please understand that this is only coming from my personal experience. If you truly believe that you have an addiction then letting yourself play for a couple hours won't work. You'll tell yourself that you're only going to play a few hours a week. Then you'll end up playing longer then two hours because, why not, your having so much fun anyway. Then, because you let it slide that one time, why not let it slide again. After all, you're got the time so why not? There will always be a sensible justification to play. Addiction allows you to so easily convince yourself that you can play when you want, when in your heart, you know it isn't true. Addiction makes you lie to yourself and convinces you that you believe the lies. I say, maybe never, because I've found that things we are truly addicted to (in my case nicotine and video games) will forever be on your mind. I quit smoking for nearly two years once and I realized that no matter how long I stayed quit, and even though I honestly had no desire to smoke again, every so often my brain would remind me of that good feeling hit smoking would give. I still woke up some mornings in a sweat because I smoked in a dream and thought I had cheated. I realized that this shit was with me forever. Now, that I've quit playing video games, I get the sense that the same issues will pop up. Addiction is addiction. I've already been having dreams of playing video games. What I'm trying to say is that if you claim you are addicted, then allowing yourself to have (even a little) something you are addicted to you are just furthering and strengthening that addiction. Giving in makes it easier to give in in the future. To truly answer your question...I think you should quit altogether. Hope that helps. Good luck. Stay strong.

Thanks @chiliflavor, I really appreciate your thoughts. These things are hard to talk about to anybody, my good friends included. On the one hand, quitting video games doesn't seem like an addiction to most people. It's not in your face like a heroin addiction or alcoholism. So talking about it to people feels strange, like I know I'm most likely not being taken seriously. On the other hand, I don't want to burden people with my problems. It's enough that my wife has to deal with my childish emotional outbursts and constant, unpredictable mood swings. If I had the choice I would have put myself in an isolation tank while I deal with withdrawals. Honestly, I hate that my wife has to deal with any of this. Sure, we've had our problems and life isn't perfect, but it's still not cool that she puts up with me in this state too. I just want to fast forward to the point where my emotions are under control and I'm thinking clearly. The fucked up thing is that my head has been a mess for so long I don't even remember what having a clear head is like. Sometimes I worry that all the pot smoking I've done in the past has permanently screwed up my brain. As for the cigarettes, I've been down the 'just one cigarette' path many times. For me, it always ends with going right back to smoking like I always would (About a pack a day). I smoked for roughly 23 years. About ten years ago I managed to quit for about a year and a half. Unfortunately, I caved after a very painful breakup - a breakup that came about because of my video game addiction. That was one of the lowest points of my life. My girlfriend of nearly 8 years left me because she knew I wouldn't stop playing video games. That shit was tough. But did I quit playing video games? Hell no! I dug in harder to try and forget that I was ruining my life. As a result I let them continue to ruin me for another 14 years. Jesus, this journal is really bringing things to the surface. I mean, it's not like I haven't thought about these things on the reg, it's just that with a clearer head I'm really feeling the emotional weight of them. I hate that I let myself fall into this shit. I really wish I could go back in time and smack the Atari 2600 controller out of my hand. I wish 10 year old me could feel what it's like to be 44 year old me. Maybe then I would have gotten outside and enjoyed the world, instead of hiding from it. If anything, I hope people reading this can see just how bad a video game addiction can get. Playing video games as long as I did, all of my relationships are built around them. All I ever talked about, to anybody, was video games, because that's all I fucking knew. If I was watching videos it was video game reviews, previews, etc. (Never got into watching streaming as I never enjoyed watching other people playing games - I had to be the one playing). The point is my whole life revolved around video games. They were my identity. I didn't know anything else because I never bothered to give myself the time to learn anything else. Every time my brain attempted to acknowledge this fact I was sent into a spiral of depression that led me right back to gaming. It was a constant struggle that, for me, was incredibly easy to fall back into time and time again. To everybody here, I really do wish you all the best in quitting. It's like giving yourself a gift that you don't think you want, but In the future, when you open it, you'll realize that it was the perfect gift. All the best everybody. Stay strong.

Day 17. Did some Yoga in the morning and that was a nice way to start the day. Had a pretty nice day with my wife but by the end of the day I was angry again. We had a fight yesterday and we're working through it but trying to make things work doesn't mean the past isn't affecting how I feel. I've just got to push through and really get this addiction under control. I feel like I'm doing good. Even though quitting is bringing all this stuff to the surface, I'm kind of happy about it. Today it feels good to acknowledge my problems and try to accept them. It doesn't everyday that's for sure. I've been learning FL Studio - just finished a beginner's course that I got on Udemy. That's been a nice change of pace. It's hard to get excited over though. I'm just so used to that instant gratification that games provide that everything, even something I know I want to do, seems uninteresting. I realize that it's my brain chemistry being all messed up from years of dopamine overload due to gaming, but knowing that doesn't make things feel better. I know I've only just begun this journey and I have a long way to go, I just wish things would hurry the fuck along. I've also taken up meditating more seriously. Before I quit I maybe attempted it 20 times in my life. Since I've quit I've tried to do it everyday. I can't say I'm really doing it well, as I'm just picking random Youtube meditation audio and going with it. It's almost always something different every time. I have noticed that after a few attempts though, that at a point in my meditation I can feel myself going into low gear. That's the best way I can describe it. Like my mind and body just get heavy and my mind sort of blanks. It's a nice sensation. I try to do 25 minutes a day but sometimes I go for 40. I think it's something that I will continue to do forever. There really is a sense of peace to it even when my mind is overloaded with thoughts. Hard to describe. I'm proud of myself for coming this far. I still get urges to play games, and hang out with my friends online quite often, but I know this is the right path. I'm really looking forward to a time when my head is clearer and my desire for gaming has subsided. I realize that gaming is an addiction and as such will likely remain on my mind for the rest of my life, just like nicotine. I just know that there is clarity in the future. I need that.

We have a lot to work on. Unfortunately, we have the same argument pretty much every other month, as we have for the past five years or so. She without a doubt she knows how I feel. I honestly don't know it I can even be bothered to put the effort in at this point. I've been rejected so much that the thought of having sex with her actually makes me angry. I'm not pretending that I'm not partly responsible for our relationship ending up this way. I'm just really tired of living with somebody I barely talk to and have almost zero intimacy with. I'm going to shelf this topic for a while. I know I need to come back to it with a clear head. I don't know if I even want to try to rebuild things at the moment. My head is just a mess of emotions and I don't really know what's what. I'll give myself six months to clear my head. I don't know if I can make things work in the meantime but I'll try. Just need to get past this extremely frustrated phase. Thanks for replying gang. That was very helpful.

Day 16 I'm sad and angry a lot lately. The truth is my relationship with my wife has been strained for years. I can count the number of times we've had sex over the last 5 years on my fingers. It was easier to ignore when I was playing video games but these days it's almost always the first thing on my mind upon waking. In the early stages of our marriage I tried. I wanted us to have a fun, loving, healthy sex life. But she rejected me a lot. To the point that it was far easier to not try then to continue to be rejected. I realize that playing video games constantly hasn't helped things (Obviously), but I know it isn't healthy to have a nearly non-existent sex life. On top of that she works from home (she has her own sewing business) and she's very busy. I mean, morning to night busy. So, even though we have both been home during these Corona times, we have fooled around twice this year. 2...times. Sometimes I really feel like I'm dying inside. Now, I'm not pretending that she is the sole person responsible for our lackluster sex life. I realize that I stopped trying a long time ago. (A year or two of rejection works wonders on your ego). These days I honestly don't know if I ever want to have sex with her again. I fantasize about sleeping with other women all the time. I wish I had never started playing video games at all. This addiction has caused me to completely lose sight of my life. At this point, I'm 44 years old, and I still don't really know what I want out of life. Most of my friendships revolved around playing video games so I don't really talk to many people these days. At home, things are just shit for lack of a better word. The most peace I get is going out for a nice, long walk everyday. But then I get home and it's right back to feeling like shit. I'm glad I'm not playing video games, smoking herb or smoking cigarettes anymore (I quit all three 16 days ago). Although my head has been foggy I still have a sense of clarity in my life that I haven't in a very long time. It makes me sad to see how I've been ignoring my problems for years but I'm glad that I'm starting to face them now. I'm not entirely sure where life will go from here. I hope I'm brave enough to navigate this stage in my life with honesty, because I feel like I've been lying to myself for a very long time.

Ultimately it's up to you of course, but it is a little worrying that you are making deals with yourself already. It's only been two days. Truthfully, seven days isn't that long. I think you should consider going even longer but for now I'd just get through these seven days. You got this.

Well, if you design and build bridges and building you are clearly an intelligent guy. When you can accept yourself (flaws and all), I'm sure that there is somebody out there willing to take a chance on you. You just have to be patient with yourself.

Listen man, I'm new here and I know very little about you so, obviously, take what I'm about to say with a grain of salt. Please don't take this the wrong way but how do you expect to find a new hobby by forcing another? If you don't know what to try just start trying anything. Keep trying until something sticks. Find a course online, pick up a book, take a class, join a Meetup Group...anything to get you out of your comfort zone. Maybe your focusing too much on the sex aspect of a future relationship? To be fair, I don't know how old you are and I know people in their 20's and 30's are going about "dating" in a much different way then my generation did. (Well this is making me feel old.) Seriously though, I'm no expert, but I don't think the first thought on your mind about a future relationship should be the sexual aspect. Once upon a time, when two people were dating, there would usually be some time where you got to know each other. Like, ya know, a prior date or two. There are women out there who are kind and caring and likely looking for the same things you are. I realize it's not easy to see past our faults (or perceived faults) sometimes and it sounds like you've been beating yourself up for a long time (I'm sure you have your reasons). But if you do end up meeting a lady that's interested in hooking up only, just be honest. Tell her it's been a while. Let her know you've got more then 1 round in ya. Again though, the right girl isn't just going to see you for your faults. Nobody is perfect. That would be so boring. Anyway, as I said before, I don't know you. You just sounded like you were having a bit of day and could use some back and forth. Take care. Hope you feel better tomorrow.

I know it's weird to tell people that you are quitting gaming. A lot of my friends found it strange....heck, even my brother tried to convince me to keep gaming. To me, it seems like it would be weirder to try and find an excuse (that isn't the truth) and attempt to convince your friends of it. Ultimately, you are not responsible for your friends happiness. I'm sure they can find a replacement. Pretty sure there are at least a few players that still play PUBG... Good Luck

Sure thing. I'll be honest I'm pretty new to things like these forums. So, should I just reply to my previous posts or just add (edit) my previous post? Thanks

I'm really glad that I quit playing video games. I'm proud of myself for finally doing it. However, quitting certainly comes with side effects. I used video games as a way to ignore the world and my problems. Now that I don't have this buffer in my life I've noticed that all of the problems I have are impossible to ignore. All my past shame and regrets come knocking at any time and I can only sit there and endure them. I realize that this is a healthier way of being but it can be overwhelming at times. It's also been a challenge as I don't have much else going on in my life at the moment. I work in the film business, but as of right now, that's non-existent. I very rarely get to see friends as they all have their own concerns and protocols around Corona. Life feels pretty bleak these days. I don't have a fear of relapsing or anything. I know things will get better for myself and the rest of the world. It's just right now, at this moment, it's tough. I wish everybody well. Stay quit. Stay happy.

I appreciate that Optimistic. It's been a tough ride so far but I know that I'm not alone. Everybody has their own struggles. I'm just glad that I came to this conclusion. I have to say....I'm not sure that I would have if I didn't have all this time off due to Covid. In a way it's been a blessing in disguise for me. Take care.

Ignore this re-post. I am such a noob when it comes to this stuff.....ugggg.

Okay, day 11. Still haven't played any games. Feeling really good about that. I quit playing video games the same time that I quit smoking cigarettes and weed. I have known for a while now that all of these things fuel each other. Physically, I'm feeling better all around. Mentally though, that's a whole other thing. My mood flip flops from giddy to miserable for no reason at all. Because I've quit these three things at once it's hard to pinpoint what the actual cause is. I dream about playing video games. A couple of days ago I woke up and was sure that I'd cheated. Then I realized I was just gaming in my dream. The really tough part for me is finding something, anything that is remotely exciting as video games. I know that sounds f'd up but I can't fly a spaceship in real life. I can't drive a car at full speed through the mountains in real life. I know that over time these thoughts will lessen in intensity but sometimes it's just hard for me to imagine finding something that can fulfill me the same way games have. I hate that I'm even having that thought. Feels so weak. I have gamed for nearly 34 years, and I never games mildly. I remember how video games made me feel, even when I was a kid. The excitement they provided was like nothing else I had experienced. I remember always wanting to play. I remember stealing $20 from my mothers purse so I could go play Mrs. Pacman. I remember taking a hammer to my Sega Genesis when I was a teenager because I knew I was addicted and I remember going out and buying the next console that came out, willfully allowing myself to keep playing. I was a straight up junkie right from the very beginning. I'm really ashamed of the life I led. It's hard for me to feel proud of going through this transformation because I know I should have done it years (fuck decades) ago. I feel bad for the kids that are getting into gaming now. I found gaming addictive in it's infancy. These days companies hire psychologists to intentionally make their games as addictive as possible. They strive for it. Crazy. Anyway, that's enough feeling like shit for one day. I'm going to sit down and work on my goals. Time to learn some Spanish and make some beats. Hopefully that will make me feel a little better about myself.

Okay, day 11. Still haven't played any games. Feeling really good about that. I quit playing video games the same time that I quit smoking cigarettes and weed. I have known for a while now that all of these things fuel each other. Physically, I'm feeling better all around. Mentally though, that's a whole other thing. My mood flip flops from giddy to miserable for no reason at all. Because I've quit these three things at once it's hard to pinpoint what the actual cause is. I dream about playing video games. A couple of days ago I woke up and was sure that I'd cheated. Then I realized I was just gaming in my dream. The really tough part for me is finding something, anything that is remotely exciting as video games. I know that sounds f'd up but I can't fly a spaceship in real life. I can't drive a car at full speed through the mountains in real life. I know that over time these thoughts will lessen in intensity but sometimes it's just hard for me to imagine finding something that can fulfill me the same way games have. I hate that I'm even having that thought. Feels so weak. I have gamed for nearly 34 years, and I never games mildly. I remember how video games made me feel, even when I was a kid. The excitement they provided was like nothing else I had experienced. I remember always wanting to play. I remember stealing $20 from my mothers purse so I could go play Mrs. Pacman. I remember taking a hammer to my Sega Genesis when I was a teenager because I knew I was addicted and I remember going out and buying the next console that came out, willfully allowing myself to keep playing. I was a straight up junkie right from the very beginning. I'm really ashamed of the life I led. It's hard for me to feel proud of going through this transformation because I know I should have done it years (fuck decades) ago. I feel bad for the kids that are getting into gaming now. I found gaming addictive in it's infancy. These days companies hire psychologists to intentionally make their games as addictive as possible. They strive for it. Crazy. Anyway, that's enough feeling like shit for one day. I'm going to sit down and work on my goals. Time to learn some Spanish and make some beats. Hopefully that will make me feel a little better about myself.

So this is day 9 - should have started this sooner but here we are. I don't have a lot of time but I just wanted to put some stuff out there to make myself accountable. I haven't been doing much since I quit other then exercising. I have a lot of time so I've been doing Yoga (following along with youtube vids), hiking or biking everyday, and I've been learning the Wim Hof breathing method. When this quarantine if finally over I'd like to start taking a martial art - maybe Judo or Jiu-Jitsu. Also, I'd like to pick archery back up. I purchased some Udemy courses about two years ago but I have never so much as looked at them. Spanish classes and FL Studio (music creation software) classes. I've wanted to make electronic music since I was young and Spanish since I went to Cuba over 10 years ago. Also, I really want to complete a board game I've been working on for the past couple of years. These are my current goals for the next while... Spanish Classes - to be completed by Jan. 8th, 2021 FL Studio Classes - to be completed by November 1st, 2020 Finish version 2 of Board Game - End of July, 2020. (testing to follow - may have to send Print and Play copies to people depending on the situation) Run 2K - I know it's not much but I've been a smoker for a very long time. I'd like to put my lungs to the test. (Sept. 30/2020) That's my focus for now.

Hey there fellow Quitters, just wanted to introduce myself and give a little of my story. I'm 44 years old and I've been gaming since the days of the Atari 2600 and I was hooked from that point on. I'm fairly sure that I've spent more time in my life playing video games then doing anything else. I've lost relationships, ignored potential friendships and never took on new hobbies or interests. I've gone from hating myself to burying myself in video games so many times. It just became so easy to ignore life and my problems - games always seemed to make my problems go away. (Ironically, my problem was video games.) Finally, 9 days ago I decided I didn't want to hate myself anymore and I damn sure didn't want to keep playing games. I've lost too much time to this pointless "hobby", not to mention the money. I could easily look at all the time I've wasted and be miserable but I see no point it doing that - that'd just be wasting more time. That being said, I've been on a pretty serious emotional roller coaster since I brought myself to quit. I've been filling my time with exercise and I am going to start some Udemy courses that I bought around two years ago - Spanish lessons and Fruity Loops Studio (music creation software). I've been meaning to learn these things for years but I just couldn't drag myself away from the controller. Now seems like the perfect time. Hope you are all doing well through these wild times, Mike