GrainSiloEnthusiast

I was looking through my notebook and I found something that amazed me. Back at the end of 2021 I lamented about not being my "fantasy self" and I tried to pinpoint what that meant to me. It only has three bullet points and I think I intended to write more... But I actually DO / AM all these things now!? I will now transcribe the text because my handwriting is not the most legible, also for the sake of anyone using a screen reader: - Who is my "fantasy self" ? (Unrealistic idealized version of self) >Either extremely long hair or buzz cut >Draws & paints ALL the time, "productive" >Spends Tons of time outside [Ink color changes from black to red] Holy shit, turns out I BECAME my fantasy self? What it took: >Accepting that having hair is too hard while Autistic + new mom >QUIT VIDEO GAMES. Probably the most life-changing thing I've done every time I do it. >SPEND WAY LESS TIME ON SCREENS/INTERNET/TECH there really are better things to do! [End of transcription] I'm a little shocked, a little sad for my past self, and a whole lot grateful. I really think I really do need to be done with gaming for the rest of my life. The only situation I can see myself gaming again is if I became completely bed-bound and it was literally one of my only options, especially if it was expected to last the rest of my life from that point on (but I think even in that situation I'd consider all my other options first too.)

Relationship problems. Feeling like I'm drowning in my partner's mental health issues and chronic suicidality. Being a new mom is extremely hard and my daughter is one of the hardest babies I've ever heard of. Feeling scared, trapped, and lost. That all being said, things seem to be on the mend. Have been getting extremely honest with my partner, even when it hurts her feelings (although obviously I try to be as gentle as possible...) Daughter will be going into an amazing free-for-low-income daycare program soon. That means time away from both of them for me, which is something I desperately need.

I seriously hate my life and I want everything to be different.

Today was quite productive actually, shopping trip was completely successful and got tons of organizing and decluttering done.

Another gaming dream last night. It really is funny how I only tend to dream about drugs when I'm sober, about gaming when I'm detoxing. I felt really disappointed about relapsing in that dream. I felt very pulled into the game and was having a really hard time breaking away. Good reminder! I'm actually very grateful for these using dreams. I didn't have much energy yesterday, and spent the whole day alternating between reading manga on my phone and watching a couple shows on Netflix, or just zoning out. I wanted to draw and feel like I haven't in a few days, but that isn't even true. I've actually been drawing a LOT lately, I just didn't do it yesterday and somehow with that it feels like it's been a week. I have like, drawing amnesia. I always feel like I "haven't been drawing enough recently" unless there's literally a pen or brush in my hand!!! As long as today can be more productive somehow I don't actually mind having had a rest day though. The shows I watched were inspiring for my decluttering and tidying goals, the manga I'm reading is Blue Period which is very inspiring for my art goals. Today we need to try to go get some shorts for our babygirl and hopefully (fingers crossed) some effective storage bins for our room. The ones we have are "tapered" (so the bottoms are more narrow than the tops) and those are very wasteful of space. There are some things sitting on top of our dresser that could easily fit inside if we had bins with vertical walls rather than slanted ones. Since I consider it a utilitarian purchase and it is with the goal of cutting down on visible clutter, this does not count against my Nothing New 90. Assuming of course, I keep my head straight and only buy what I went in intending to buy!!

If you're gonna chew gum, go with sugar free, specifically containing xylitol. It's actually good for your teeth because it tricks bacteria into eating it and then they die lol. I recommend something that keeps your hands busy but is also a project you can continuously work on. Doodling, especially mandala, is that for me. Knitting and crochet are also really popular for this. Some people do diamond paintings. There's also adult coloring. Get those hands busy!!

Since you're following the 12 step method, I recommend getting yourself a Narcotics Anonymous step working guide and a notebook. I'm working out of it, and I'm addressing all of my addictions in one thing, not addressing them all separately. If you change the word "drugs" to gaming/tech use in your head, you will find it is still very applicable. Also, try to find a sponsor through ITAA or if you're part of another fellowship a sponsor there who is willing to address both gaming and that other thing simultaneously. What we can't do alone we can do together! Of course you're using this community as a crutch, that's why we're all here. Everyone uses the word crutch like it's something we have to eventually get rid of... Forgetting that many people have to use crutches for their entire lives! I speak as a cane user... I think it's a pretty accurate metaphor lol.

Practicing mindfulness and trying actively to pay attention to the physical world around you is a practical way to avoid daydreaming. But you must remember that daydreaming is, in it's most natural state, a healthy and normal thing. As problematic as maladaptive daydreaming is, don't be surprised when it's the hardest thing to combat since we're technically supposed to daydream at least some of the time.

It was a system app on my Xiaomi phone too, but we were able to use a PC program to remove it. I don't remember what it was at the moment, I'll have to ask my wife and then get back to you on that.

This idea of getting the house all tidied the way I want it to be... That's a dream I've been having for a long time. Not gaming has given me the time and energy to actually pursue this dream! And I couldn't do that without this community, stumbling across game quitters on YouTube a few years ago now, that was actually a life-changing experience. Even though I haven't been game free this entire time, the idea has been in the back of my mind ever since then. I'm feeling a lot of gratitude right now.

I am going to set a new challenge for myself: Nothing New 90. Essentially for 90 days I will only spend money on: food, experiences, and utilitarian necessities. The goal is not just to reduce spending but to reduce accumulation and clutter. Spending isn't really what I'm concerned about, so even if I'm spending more but I'm not accumulating more shit that's fine by me. This is actually perfect because by starting today it will end exactly on my daughter's birthday! I am still allowed to accept gifts. However as always, if it cannot actually serve me, I will find another home for it. I don't keep things just because someone special gave it to me anymore. I think regifting something is more respectful if the item would otherwise just collect dust. I am allowed to buy things we genuinely need. For example: We have to buy some shorts for our daughter because she hates clothes that go on over her head, but she's learn to take her own diaper off. We need something for her to wear when we are relaxing at home, because normally we don't make her wear clothes at home since she doesn't like to wear them. We only have two pairs of pants for her and they are kindof long so they get in the way of her mobility. She does seem to like only wearing pants though, so I need to get her at least a couple of pairs of shorts. Another obvious example is things like replacement toothbrushes, toothpaste, sponges, dish soap, cat litter... Actual necessities that we buy regularly. I don't need to buy more books. I don't need to buy more knick knacks. I don't even need to buy more stickers to go in my sketchbooks!! I have a library card. I am considering getting a yearly membership to the museum so we can go whenever we feel like it (pays for itself after like two trips!) I have a YMCA membership. I will still be allowing myself to eat out. I do not need to go shopping for fun!! I've been combating my hoarding since 2019, when the tidying up show came out on Netflix. I have completely turned around my life since then, and I think I'm tidier than the average American. However, in my eyes we still have too much shit. There are a lot of spaces in our living area (We share our home with my wife's extended family so not all of it can be controlled) that are not as tidy as I'd like them to be. While doing this challenge I am also going to focus on reducing clutter around the house. Again, our living spaces are already relatively tidy, but they could be better. I'm striving for the best I can do! I'm going to make a list of all the rooms in the house that we have dominion over, and then I'm going to make sub lists of each problem area in those rooms. Wish me luck!

Made it to day 50!

Listen.. lots of successful people drink alcohol. But most alcoholics can't be successful when they're drunk (the ones who can we call functioning alcoholics and they have unique problems.) Gaming isn't the problem... Being addicted to games is. Addiction is addiction is addiction.

I'm so proud of you for finding help Paul, I really hope the meetings give you peace ❤️

Just because I'm not attached to your opinion doesn't mean I don't value it at all haha. I very much appreciate the kind words!

Told on myself in my NA meeting. Self obsession is such a bitch! Feels good to just acknowledge what it is and just let it be. I hope the obsessing will stop soon.

I'm gonna talk about something here that I HATE talking about, because I've been obsessing about it lately and I really want it to stop!! I wonder if taking about it will help. As far as I am aware and have every reason to believe, I am 1/8 Cherokee. My mom's birth father's mother was Cherokee. Probably eastern band. Unfortunately our history is complicated and messed up. I'm not officially "registered" with the tribe, and don't know if we even can be. It's something we've been trying to figure out, but unfortunately it's hard when my mom can no longer have her father in her life (more on that later.) I am sick and tired of being the butt of everyone's joke, especially because we just so happen to be of the tribe that so many people claim to have blood in for "cool points" or whatever. Not all mixed unregistered native people are lying, colonialism destroyed a lot of families. I know because of racism it's a big deal that people lie about this stuff. But as far as I am capable of knowing, I'm not lying. It matters to me because I don't want to throw away any of my ancestors and their ethnicities. I am a lot of different ethnicities, I am the same amount Portuguese as I am Cherokee, but nobody questions me being Portuguese! At least immigration records clearly prove my family being from the Azores... But then again that wasn't destroyed for the sake of trying to wipe out an entire group of people either... I am going to mention alcoholism, racism, and sexual assault in the following paragraphs. This is your content warning. My mother's father abandoned her and her mom when she was a baby. My mom was half-adopted by her step dad, an Irish dude. But my mom came to know her birth father when she graduated high school, and she ended up moving in with him. At some point when they were both drunk, he raped her. Unfortunately my mom didn't cut him out of her life for a long time. I grew up knowing him because my mom wanted me to have grandparents in my life and we lived in the same city at the time. My mom needed all the help she could get, we were extremely impoverished and for the first year and a half of my life she was still a drunk. My father is extremely neglectful and was of no help at all to my mom (and unfortunately they're still married!!!) My mom eventually told me what happened, and we decided together to cut ties with him. He's never truly made amends, he always blamed the alcohol and danced around the issue. I was a teenager at the time and the news was devastating. I'm honestly still a bit pissed that she let me be around him alone... His story is fucked up too though. His dad's side of the family didn't like his mom being Cherokee. He married her to piss them off and they had two children together. When his dad went off to fight in the war she had no choice but to move in with them, and they were horribly racist. At some point, she left. Maybe she was even kicked out, no idea. He went searching for her later in life and she had died from alcoholism. So basically, long story short, my 1/2 Cherokee grandfather that I grew up with, is a racist asshole because he was raised by his horrible racist white grandparents... Who also raped my mother and never even tried to make proper amends. So yeah, me and my mom are on our own in trying to prove we are who we say we are. I've been boiling over this thing I saw that was mocking people who claim to be Cherokee and can't prove it. Obviously there's white people who are just being ridiculous and Rachel Dolezal-esque, but that's not the case for probably most of us honestly. The whole concept of blood quota is steeped in a horrible violent history of colonialism. I don't see anyone asking for papers when I talk about being Scottish, Portuguese, or even Rromani (which is way more likely to not be true than being Cherokee, but again I only have what my parents have told me to go off!!!! Isn't that the case for most people???) Sometimes I wish I knew everything or nothing. That I had proof or knew for sure it was all a lie. Even genetics tests can't be 100% trusted, so why waste $200. Sometimes I wish we were from ANY other tribe, other than the one everyone uses to mock a small group of obnoxious white people. I feel like I can never talk about my heritage because I always get treated like one of those people. It really comes down to the fact that every aspect of myself has been invalidated by someone at some point. I'm a lesbian. People love to debate that about me! Doesn't help that I do date women who have dicks if I happen to fall for one, because I'm not transphobic and I don't care about what's downstairs. I'm just attracted to people with feminine energy, and gender is performative nonsense anyway. Which leads into the fact that I'm also nonbinary, and being both nonbinary and a lesbian is a fucking shit show when it comes to identity politics. I am also disabled. And as someone who was previously an ambulatory wheelchair user, I got all sorts of shit about being a faker. People come up to me less now that I'm mostly using my cane again, but I still get dirty looks. It doesn't help that the whole process of getting SSI is so fucking incredibly invalidating. Oh yeah, I'm also several different flavors of mentally ill, including being autistic. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 19 years old!!!! That being said, I wasn't diagnosed with my physical disability until then either!!!! I was just treated as a bad kid, not a troubled one. I was also severely abused growing up and no one believed me or cared on the few occasions I did speak out. It's just a cycle of invalidation after invalidation after invalidation. I'm so fucking sick of it. It's not of anybody's goddamn business anyway! Now that I'm an adult with my own private life, most people don't care about this stuff, but it still affects mentally. So anyway as I was saying, I've been obsessing about this shit ever since I saw the thing that pissed me off on Wednesday. My screen time has been way higher than I want it to be. I haven't played games, I haven't used drugs, I haven't self-injured, but I feel like I'm hitting my bottom lines when it comes to my tech addiction. I'm not sure how exactly relevant this all is to quitting gaming... But it's definitely relevant to my mental health and I think that's relevant to quitting gaming. I just needed somewhere to vent where I'm not super attached to the people and their opinions of me!

My wife is transgender, so in my opinion as a lesbian, you're perfectly straight if that's how you feel the most comfortable identifying! I can't blame you, best of both worlds lol. I'm biased as a queer myself but I truly don't consider that to be anything to be ashamed of. I'm sorry your friends and family would be so unsupportive tho, that's definitely a hard spot to be in. I used to be an escort myself. It was also an outlet for my sexual addiction, and a way for me to feed my drug and alcohol addictions. I understand that feeling of shame so much more than I care to admit. Just remember that falling down is inevitable, getting back up is mandatory. Hugs to you, appreciate your honesty and openness so much.

Thanks again for the reminder about RAIN, this is now hanging on our bedroom door 🙂 @Paul A.

Yes, RAIN! My old therapist taught me that too, I had forgotten about it until you said it though. I may try to make a poster for that so I can remember it!

This is absolutely beautiful.

Personally I am also a recovering drug addict and the 12 step programs of AA and NA have worked miracles in my life, as well as both of my parents lives who both have over 20 years of sobriety each. Being able to listen to the experience strength and hope of the other members is what helps me the most, plus exchanging numbers and being able to reach out when I'm struggling. I haven't been to a whole lot of ITAA meetings yet but when I do I love being able to hear people talk about the exact same issues I have with technology and how they cope with it!

Genuinely triggered today. I have a few ideas on why but still not exactly sure what's up with me.

Most screen time I've had in a while, so far 3 and a half hours on my phone today. 2 hours and 22 minutes of that have been spent on the WordPress app, writing posts and then also re-reading my own blog, and checking up on some of the blogs I follow. 3 and a half hours is a lot, but I used to average 8 hours on my phone ALONE, combined with other screens was easily 12 hours every single day. How the times have changed!

Very much appreciated, Ikar!! And I love that, unique individuals having common experiences, I believe that is 100% it!