Ikar

Alright, so that's a month done! I literally have no time to crave gaming. Drifting away from the abyss seems pretty great, truth to be told. Day 30: In the morning, I watched ep. 23 of the WWII documentary. I watched a debate between Peterson and de Sousa. I was actually a bit ridiculous to watch! After that, I made my webpage for English teaching; it's very basic and took me about an hour to setup, but it's alive and functional. I felt a bit overloaded later on after lunch, so I took a break and watched some Simpsons. After that I prepared materials for English teaching. Discussing dating with three people twice my age was a bit funny, however it was the topic in the book! Going back and forth to the class, I cycled for about 30 minutes too. In the evening, I mostly just slacked and scoped the dating site. I forgot about my Russian Duo, so I still have to finish that before I rest. Great day regardless! Tomorrow: research Iceland (dorm, visa, flight, job), prep ENG teaching, twitch cash?, work out, groceries, exam prep Friday, self-authoring

I'll quote myself on this: I guess it speaks for itself, unless you have sex on a reliable basis, I can't figure out where would it go. I have my phone on silent by default, I check it every now and then anyway. I rather use e-mail and SMS, where I can be concise and think my response through a bit.

30 days is there to help you to relapse, don't fall into their trickery! ? Tell her, she needs to know, so she can support you and help you out if times get bad with your gaming. First person I told I am quitting gaming IRL was my ex-gf, as I thought I still had some credibility in her eyes, but I was wrong. She's still resentful towards me, after I wrote what I think I did wrong and what I think she did wrong. I never got a sensible answer out of her on the topic, because she refuses responsibility (in school most visibly), same as I did in the past. If she was responsible, she could face me and the truth and she'd be happy for me, even if that doesn't necessarily mean the relationship between us would be still romantic. I'm very happy about the fact I managed to break the relationship down and study what made it go south, but it was no easy task and I got to this forum in the process. On the contrary, I told my addiction story to my grandma and mom and I feel closer to them than ever. It came as a slight shock to my mom, as she and my dad raised me and there's likely some blame on them too for letting me into the clutches of gaming from my very early years. There's no way I am gonna hate them for that though, as it doesn't do any good. I am responsible for myself now, no excuses.

Day 29: I undertook the heroic endeavor of putting my room into order, including wardrobes as well. I also got the good news of passing the Friday exam. After lunch, I played Scrabble with mom. I went English teaching to a nearby village, so I could cycle several kilometers thanks to that. I also watched another amazing lecture by JP. I wish the message he gives in it would get through to everyone. Tomorrow @Ikar: make a website!, prep ENG teaching, work out, to-do pile

Going out solo? What a monster, I wish I could do that myself! ?

Interesting, I am in the same spot with my former high school classmates. I just never organized anything myself, I was a follower, took no responsibility and so it makes sense they are not overly responsive to my requests. It depends on how much power do you have in that social structure. You don't need to beat yourself up over it though ?

Good luck, keep track of everything that's relevant! Writing the journal in the evening has helped me too. It helps understand me my former self.

It's not terrible, it's just a lot of potential you need to take charge of! Myself, after I quit my job I wasn't happy at either and that was a good choice but poorly executed. I wasn't conscientious enough to pursue the goal and I got jaded pretty fast from the situation I was in and it cost me half a year, most of my identity and my relationship, although we both were similarly irresponsible to begin with. I recommend checking out the video in the spoiler, if you want to "kick" yourself in the right direction. Dr. Peterson's work is simply amazing, especially his long lectures and podcasts: I hope that clicks something within you! ?

Day 28: In the morning, I watched ep. 22 of the WWII documentary. I spent quite some time on the dating site. I put some small things into order, teaching-wise and cleaned my room a bit. I played Scrabble with mom and I tried to work out, but the playground was unfortunately occupied the whole day, so I'll try tomorrow. Today went fine. I'll try to be more intentional about my time usage tomorrow though.

Day 27: In the morning, I watched ep. 21 of the WWII documentary. I'm gonna be done with it rather soon, so I need to find something else to do! I wrote the exam in the afternoon and it was actually easier than I thought, so I think I have a decent shot at it. In the evening, I got back to the dating site I met my ex on more than a year ago. I got my profile updated and scanned through some profiles. Mostly for my own improvement of social skills and research, rather than some mad rush for love. I'm vigilant, aware and responsible.

Welcome to the club of 21s! I can't say I feel old yet, so that's worth something ? Quitting game-related content seems like a good idea, during the detox anyway. Get some better sleep and get after them with John Wick!

Day 26: I started off the day by masturbating and it turned out to be quite underwhelming, partly because I wasn't convinced if I should really do it or not, I still did it. I'm very onboard the idea to just do it once a week, making it somewhat special. I watched some more Jordan Peterson during the day, took a first read into his 12 Rules and I also picked up the studying quite a bit. I also took a walk after the lunch and found this cat with a very peculiar color scheme: I sometimes associate a positive memory or thought with my ex of something we did together. I have a decent rationale that we simply can't be compatible right now, simply because I believe I am responsible for my situation and she believes responsibility, planning and self-help material is just something to avoid at all costs. Her external care felt good, even if it was for the wrong reason, as we co-depended on each other to be happy. This experience and Dr. Peterson's lectures only strengthened my resolve that I want my next relationship to be "straightened out", but I also want to be decently "straightened out" myself before I kiss some nice girl again. To be frank, it would probably be the third one, as I am not thinking of my mom and grandma! There's still something left of the evening, so I'll put it into studying. Took me an hour to write out the message. 16th was also the day we both met and we parted. Devil's in the details, folks.

Day 25: I watched some JP to start off the day instead of the documentary. I studied a bit, sent the message and prepped my English class. I got new shoes too! I went to grandma's for lunch - semolina. After that, I went English teaching and it went quite well! I studied a tiny bit in the evening as well, though probably not as much as I would like. I still get too easily distracted! I didn't work out, because it's raining three days straight outside. Got a reasonable amount of stuff done today regadless. I HAVE TO step up studying for the exam though, otherwise my chances at it will be horrid. Tomorrow @Ikar : study for exam, work out - 60, SMS English - 10

Great job on the 90! I think it's important to understand why you retreated to games, as you can get addicted to virtually anything these days. Games might've been "OK" through the lens of the former you, but if that was the case, the reality back then must've been horrid in comparison.

Great observation, 100% correct though. Keep going! ?

Day 23 addendum 2: Releasing once a week is great, so my day for that becomes Monday. Day 24: Today was rather odd. I woke up with a headache, it was obvious I needed some hydration. I watched ep. 20 of the WWII documentary and then cycled to get to the groceries. I watched about half a podcast of Joe Rogan with Jordan Peterson, but I had to take a nap halfway through it. I woke up 2 hours later, somewhat rested and made lunch. I also finished the podcast, making some notes. Both JR and JP made some good points. I washed the dishes. I got a diarrhea in the evening, though at least the headache went away. I got some materials together for the exam on Friday. Spoiler has some funny stuff! Tomorrow @Ikar : security message - 30, study for exam, check iceland jobs - 40, work out - 60, prep for class - 30, SMS English - 10, grandma + big shopping

@30_yrs_of_gaming Thanks! I'm trying my best. I was a bit curt with my writing yesterday, I spend probably around an hour trying to compose it, as I was already fairly tired. I have some more points: Day 23 addendum: It took me almost two moths to deal with the breakup, but I think I have identified the main flaws in the relationship. Watching Dr. Peterson's videos on relationship and responsibility helped me understand my past with her. Thanks to that, I'll be more vigilant if something like this occurs in my future relationships. I'm extremely happy about it. I feel like I've been making huge leaps, gaining months of experience in several weeks. Computer is still my first go-to place to be, but I'm not confined to it nowhere as closely as I used to be. If I want to work out, I get up and work out. I'm more responsible with household chores. Getting rid of gaming/Twitch was really just a first step towards greatness, as I still struggle to make my plans work, I'll keep making them. I think I am reasonably successful with them once I write them down on a daily basis.

It seems like a good idea to branch out of a single thing, school in your case. Realizing you're also a part of a family, that you have some friends and maybe some other activities in your life. You want to give all of them some focus, so when one part collapses, you have other things you do to support you, that basically define you. All of us being here on a daily basis had to re-invent ourselves, because we had a priority we invested in, even though it was detrimental. It's basically what happens when you go all-in on one thing and it fails.

Day 23: I got up in the morning and after some breakfast, I went to school to write an exam. I did the best I could with the amount of time I put in and I think the general theme of the period between writing the test itself and getting the results is "I wish I studied more". I hanged out with one of the classmates after the test and he's about twice my age. We talked about welfare state, philosophy, psychology and relationships. We had a good talk! I came home around lunchtime, so I got my lunch. After that, I started composing the letter for my ex, when I noticed she suddenly wrote me. I was slightly caught by surprise, but I already had a decent draft. I suggested the gravest mistakes mistakes we both made; I got caught up in a swirl of bad events after leaving the army, so my gaming/Twitch addiction was free to bloat as I tried to escape from reality and she wasn't able to do anything, but to build up resentment, as I was becoming more and more of a mess to deal with, because she wasn't able to tell the truth that there's something horribly wrong with me in a way I could understand. She's been failing to answer her personal problems, so I can't hold a grudge against her for not trying to help others solving them. She has to make peace with her first, so she can try to make peace with others. She took all that as an attempt of me trying to get her back. I ended it at that's not the case at all, as that proved me she's not there... yet. She's not a lover, she's not a friend (as friends have to bear truth, or whatever goofy attempt I am able to make at it), so she's a skeptical stranger. Writing her myself doesn't make sense. I'll be happy if she ever manages to recognize my point of view and understand it. There's nothing more to be done for me. My conscience is clean and my past with her settled. As all that went through my head, I was slightly bewildered for my English teaching and it showed slightly. I managed to keep my bearings straight and finish the class though. I met with a former classmate in the evening, so I was pretty social today. I watched ep. 18 of the WWII documentary. Tomorrow @Ikar: checklist-based schedule, work out, exam Friday

Good job, hope you come back more often! My only stable thing I do right now is that I am writing the diary and watch the documentary, but it's better than nothing!

I'm beginning to wonder if we are obsessed with Jordan Peterson, but looking at the world through the lens of responsibility, discipline and truth appeals to me at least. I think it's important to tell her how you feel, so you also get to know what she thinks. After my recent relationship, I found out the phrase "I love you" is rather vague. I think my ex "loved" me for parts of my identity that weren't as integral as she thought and looking at me back then, I was becoming a huge mess, basically gaming/watching Twitch every day. Logically, she ended up disillusioned and I ended up legitimately shocked by the asymmetry between us that's developed over weeks. She'd just never have the incentive to tell me what's bothering her, to tell me the truth, and it just chipped away at her. All she could do was to make rather haphazard attempts to alter my behavior by telling me things like "You should work out more" etc. and coming from that place, you hardly ever achieve more than confusion and resentment. Good luck! Hope my insights help.

Day 22: I watched ep. 18 of the WWII documentary while I was eating breakfast. I got a little bit into the Self Authoring too. Brother came along for a family lunch, asked me about that I put away the photo of my ex from my dashboard, so we talked a little bit about that. In the evening, that stirred up my thoughts, in combination of the thorough personality/philosophy/past assessment I'm doing extensively over the last month. I think I got about 90% of my recent past mined and examined, so I'd like to share that with her, though I have a hard time doing that if I get silence from her on the usual comms. I'll send her a final note tomorrow. Unless I get a positive answer on it, I'm over her, 100%, no doubts. I'm drawing the line and I have this post as testimony that I tried. My letter to her will contain: I also studied throughout the day, probably only 3 hours total, but I still feel better for the test... today! ?

@30_yrs_of_gaming Here you go! https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0071075/

Day 21: I watched ep. 17 of the WWII documentary while I was eating breakfast. I also helped out mom with planting peas! After lunch, I checked out the Iceland jobs and applied for some. Then I worked out and during that I had another talk with mom, as I'm pouring a lot of time into psychology these days and I want to share my findings. I really enjoy the process of dissecting and trying to learn the maximum from the past too, though I think I've revealed the main points already. In the evening, I got a bit into studying for the exam on Monday, though briefer than I'd like. All in all, I think I can count it as I got 3.5/5 things I wanted from today, compiling about 3-4 hours of "work" which is pretty decent. Might've spent around the same time on psychology today. Morning @Ikar: - email the English kid! - study for the test - 2-2-1 hours (morning-afternoon-evening) - probably wishful thinking for 5 hours, but I'll give it a shot Discipline IS pain AND discipline WILL BE gain. Remember. Thanks!

Damn, that's appalling. I wonder how much resentment she's built up she's gotta vent. One thing to remember is that you can always choose your reaction to the situation, though if you start out good and then suddenly she has a 180 mood swing, it's very hard to detach yourself from that situation. I'd focus on yourself first. You can't allow the "outside" compromise your integrity by relapsing. Even if it's the mother of your kids lashing out on you. If you feel like you're losing control, set up some rules of communication, say, an email every three days. You're not throwing the family under the bus, if you set up rules of personal responsibility, quite the contrary.