Ikar

Ha, here I went I'd read a "normal" daily report and look at that. It's the real and unexpected stories that keep someone interested, very much like Jordan Peterson described to me this morning in his lecture. Some days are more interesting than others and deserve to be written about more than others. It really is staggering how vulnerable people are. I've been heading towards hell slowly, but steadily with my addiction. Yet, I can't even begin to fathom what would have to happen to bring me towards having suicidal thoughts or actually attempting suicide. I hope that woman find a way to straighten herself out and crawls out of the ditch she's in. You have one go on your life, so you might as well enjoy it, rather than just die prematurely. Happy to hear your girlfriend has her act together and that she was able to do to avert the tragedy that'd meet her classmate's friends and family.

Day 37: I'll make this one a bit longer, as I watched JP's lecture in the spoiler. It clicked a few more things in my (pathological, but no regrets) relationship with my ex and females in general. I think I'll actually use his long lectures as a replacement for the WWII documentary. I'm taking notes too for further use! I woke up after my alarm and got up only after my father called me on the phone. Reason being a horrible dream where the reality was that my mom was dead. That'd be a pretty appalling reality to live in indeed, especially after I confided to her with my gaming addiction. I also noticed a craving for a sense of belonging yesterday with someone else than my family. I've been struggling with how my real life was recently fractured and sought a unifying force. Mostly it's been gaming (history) and my ex (recently), that'd be there for me basically when I needed them. I still have the Internet (daily GQ, Youtube, various IRCs), but I am thinking along the lines of real-life connection. All the other factions seem sort of distant: high school friends - scattered throughout the country on universities, 1x month if I am lucky army friends - I meet with just one of them, thanks to the fact we decided to study the same university, others are scattered university - we go there 1x week on the combined form, it's more like a hobby English teaching - 1x week I teach the same people All that taken into consideration, I have to be mindful of the fact that I am leaving to Iceland in a month, so that's gonna be a huge test of my independence. I'm also very vigilant about who's gonna be my next romantic partner and I'll make bloody sure I know what I'll be getting into. I got some photos in the morning, I checked a bit on the flight ticket, did Russian and sent the letters. I worked out in the evening and helped my father with a TV. I felt a bit bummed out that I am placing too much responsibility on myself, but I still got a decent chunk done regardless. Plan for tomorrow: prep English: 8-9 Maps of Meaning: 9-12 bike trip: 12-14 grandma: 14-16 English teaching: 16-18 Exam prep: 18-20 Crumb: 20-22 We'll see how that goes! (clean car, flight ticket later)

100% agreed with @James Good ! It doesn't matter how much time you "wasted", as long as you come back (and it doesn't necessarily even have to be here) and have the honest intention of becoming better than you were. Some days you feel amazing and truly live up by that creed, whereas other days you are in self-inflicted despicable agony, where your integrity depends solely in keeping yourself away from downloading Steam.

I'd have a very different opinion on this a year ago, but today I try to understand what makes people do what they do. Chances are, if they are human and you are human too, you can be a horrible monster just like anyone else. That's quite a shift from the binary "I'll take a revenge while I am angry" X "I'll just get pooped on and never make a stand for myself". It's pretty rough if you have that at home on a daily basis and there's no way to have a reasonable talk with the other person though. Whatever decision you make, be mindful of yourself and be responsible!

Good approach. I feel it's kinda like trying to reconcile your ex; you are kinda afraid of it, but if you can communicate genuinely, I think it'd be pretty instructive. Good news is, you don't even have to deal with another human, just yourself! :D

Agreed! I'd also work on developing my career/work first if it's already your focus, rather than to get tangled up in a new relationship and try to work out an extra thing. Taking care of yourself first is the top priority. Speaking of which, the end of my past relationship was the impulse that got me here on this forum after facing some harsh truth! It depends on who your parents are. My parents also got shaken when I quit my day job. What they wanted me to be was to be safe and you are fairly safe in a day job. It's what they do too, so I can't blame them for that. I want some adventure in my life first though!

I forgot to mention I voted yesterday in the EU elections, so that took me an hour as well. Day 36: I got up pretty late, as a result of yesterday's meetup. I got some files together for the exam and did Russian. Brother came for lunch and after that I drove my family by car to a nearby village for a walk. I returned home with the car, watched some JP on addiction, did a bit of self-authoring and discussed women yet again with a Romanian friend of mine. I played some Scrabble and worked out in the evening and played a bit of basketball with some random guys that joined me. I know I slacked this weekend on whatever I wanted to do, so I'll pick up on that tomorrow. I'll go on a short bike trip and get my errands done tomorrow. @Ikar: clean car, photo, flight ticket, duo, read 1 page, send letter x 2, exam, bike trip, groceries

Day 35: I don't have too much of an idea about the order of the day, but I know I mowed the lawn, cleaned my desktop, did Russian and mycat (website where I write what I did as a teacher in English classes), played Scrabble with mom, had a bit of a headache during the day, so I laid down for a while too and I think that was it until the evening. We had a small meetup from high-school, where we watched hockey. I think I didn't meet them for about three months, so I told them I broke up with my ex, but that I understood why she did it, so I can't hate her for that and that I am looking forward to my next relationship. We shared some insights on women afterwards. We also got to talk about Iceland a bit. It was a nice evening! @Ikar: : clean car, photo, flight ticket, duo, work out, read 1 page, send letter, exam

Good choice you are here, welcome!

Day 35: Will write tomorrow, tied and tipsy to do it properly now.

I feel you on that, that's why I write down stuff I want to get done that might haunt/already haunt me for a few days to do them in my diary. Good shout, I'll backup my files too right now after I tidy my desktop. At least it was just a scratch! It's about half a year I managed to damage my mudguard, as the car in front of me didn't turn as fast as I expected, he was probably letting a pedestrian through. He probably didn't even notice, as he drove away and I didn't see any damage to his car either. Luckily, the mudguards were to be changed soon anyway, because they were already somewhat rusty, so no-one from the family even got to know!

Day 34: I got up, watched the rest of the conversation between Milo & JP, then I commented a bit here and went for the exam. After that me and my friend from the army went for a lunch, he told me the army is in a somewhat dismal state (or at least the part he is in which is quite similar to where I used to be) and that he's having some thoughts of leaving and going abroad or doing something else. I told him that my half a year without employment, basically being a leech while streaming, was quite horrible, but that the past two months have been pretty great, as I have some direction and vision now. I kinda goofed around in the evening a bit, watched Simpsons, took some pictures for dating rating and I'm working on getting my PC desktop in order, as it's still a mess. I worked out outside with my basketball, as it's been raining a ton these past two weeks and I didn't get to work out this way otherwise in that time. I feel comfortably tired, I hope the exam results won't ruin it! @Ikar: clean car, photo, flight ticket, mycat, duo, work out, read 1 page, letter, duo

Good advice. If she's insecure about something, she needs to deal with it on her own. You and I both came here, because we were insecure about our outlook on gaming. It's OK to ask for help and support, but she has to do the lifting regardless of whatever her trouble is. I'm speaking from experience, but you probably already know that!

What a list. I might steal the part above! Not sure about the competitiveness, just make sure you don't snuff your fire with it, as some people thrive in a cut-throat environment. I feel like former gamer myself, shifting the competitive attitude from gaming to somewhere else is a huge deal! I used to be very hard-line black/white person, especially on morals. I think all it gave me was elitist, arrogant, slightly resentful and contemptuous outlook on most people I couldn't put into my little box. Now I know that if I ever get resentful and contemptuous, there's just something I don't understand. If I demonize that other guy for something he has done to me, I demonize myself too, because I am human and he's human as well. Then it's right to think, what made him do it and what could make me do it? I try to be in his shoes. That's how I dealt with my breakup, but I was only able to do that responsibly after quitting gaming. I think the same applies to gaming. Sure, hate and anger towards it might be the first reaction, but you don't want to be stuck there forever. 98% people who play games aren't game addicts, so if you go on a crusade against gaming, most people around you will feel uncomfortable. Corresponds well with Cam's video too: Keep searching for that middle ground!

@Ambassador: The site turned out to be pretty good and scientific, getting precise feedback from my target group will be helpful. I know I have to be genuine, responsible and take photos in settings I can actually reasonably occur, not do it for the sake of a photo, keep working on myself and expanding my knowledge. Nice to see that those things are better aligned in my head! I wish I had a photo shot while I was still in the army. Figuratively, I'm a better warrior than I was back then though! Day 33: I set it off by responding to GQ comments. I did Russian, a bit of work on Iceland, watched some JP, did some research on online dating (gonna even get a book from uni library on a related topic), filled in a questionnaire for uni and took a walk in the evening. I studied for the test today as well, I have to develop some better work ethic for that though. @Ikar: clean car, photo, exam, groceries

Good luck! Straightening yourself out is a noble cause, by no means easy, but definitely worthwhile.

I actually remember my ex saying she was a real party animal up until 16, but then she made a 180 to the point where she wouldn't go out to meet larger groups of people anymore, because it made her physically sick, even if I was really keen on showing with her somewhere every once in a while, so she said she'd be introverted. I think what she did was to channel her extroversion mostly into social media rather, similarly as I did with gaming. I had no idea how much was that affecting me. Trouble with that is, my addictive personality was fairly well embedded into me that probably everybody already considered it "me". For all I know, my screen time is still huge, though I am aware of it at least. This is what made me a bit cynical the other day. I liked it how every other person has "honesty" as one of their expectations/values, but I would say I was "honest" both before and after the addiction. Turns out addiction-controlled behavior is a thing. That's why I am much rather into responsibility these days, or by texts inspired by it and other values embedded into it. Yep, it seems like it's a good idea to set up the rules of the game early. I think something like "what happens in the relationship, stays in the relationship" might be one to consider for the future, although there's gonna be a ton of mechanisms to support that. I think hooking up and ONS would promptly send me to my own little moral hell. I just looked up the difference between short and long-term relationship and I found out that the difference is that you take a lesson from a short one and you stay in the long one. I've been on Tinder before, but I never met anyone though it. I prefer to show my hand and Tinder's 160 characters or so doesn't allow for that. I'm back on OKC, but I noticed they removed instant messaging which is a bummer. No text limit there though, so I think my intentions are laid out there concisely. Aye, I guess I was a prisoner of my addiction. Thanks for that site! I'll see what comes out of that, research and all :D I'll keep it in mind. It sounds obvious, but addiction is hell that skews your sincerity really badly. Thanks for all the input!

Day 32: Spent a lot of time on Iceland, did English teaching and spent nothing on school. Documentary is finished. Tired after the post above! @Ikar: study for uni!

Here is a list of changes in my life for the past month: Game Quitters - I'm extremely happy to be here, basically brothers (and sisters) in arms against a common enemy. I don't demonize gaming for my friends, but my stance towards is has to be skeptical at least. working out - I did more physical activity than in any of the months after I left the military in August last year. I would really only move with my ex, no dice I would get myself up on my own. Jordan Peterson - Thanks to this man, I think I understood my past, or at least rationalized it in a way that doesn't haunt me anymore. Shout out to Jocko Willink and Joe Rogan as well. going out more/people - I didn't create any new venues for myself to go to per se, but I'm generally more inclined to hang out with the people I already know whenever I can. I'm nowhere near as hopelessly shut in or reliant on my ex to have social contact. I think I go out with friends twice as much at least. I think I find it easier to relate to people I just saw before. uni - I didn't fail any of the exams yet, though in my eyes I am almost begging for it. I think I am still easily distracted by virtually everything else from it. girlfriend - I wanted to get her back at the start of this, but I can't get her back at all costs. We both set out the same, to find "love". If you're around frequently enough, I think I wrote enough to cover a few essays about that story. I think we are both doing better now though. If anything, I know I am doing better for the right reason. English teaching - I'm becoming more comfortable with it. It helps with socializing, discussing ideas and I even get paid for that. What a deal! my business - I got the site up, mostly postponed/on hold due to Iceland. It basically means I get more money from the one above. Iceland - I might have a bit of a pickle here. I know a friend of mine went there Bear Grylls style (he had a tent and sought job on the spot) the last summer and everything worked out for him quite decently. I'll commit to doing that if absolutely necessary, though I'd prefer to have my comfort. I still have a bit more than a month to sort this out. screen time reduction - I'm not convinced it happened yet. It's kinda rough to get away too, considering most of the plans/work I do has to be done this way. family - I feel more closely connected to my mom, as she knows about my addiction, grandma as well. dating - I've been back on online dating for a few days, I'm rather torn though. I treat myself WAY better than before. I also feel like part of the art is putting yourself on the line. It'd be awesome to be intimately connected to a girl again. Preferably even THE girl. There are apparently great pitfalls for a guy in early 20s like me in online dating, as the odds are most likely stacked against me. This month feels definitely better than the last one! I'm open to suggestions on any of my topics, maybe I even forgot some. Thanks!

Since I am at a month, I'll try to depict some stuff in the evening that went well for me during the time, some extra thoughts and plans for the future. I'll try to spent at least an hour on that.

Day 31: Okay, today was a bit ridiculous. In a good way though! I watched ep. 24 of the WWII documentary, did the groceries and Russian. After that, inspired by a forum-mite, I did some research on the whole "NoFap" thing. I ended up "practicing releasing" for an hour. I also ended up with having abdominal ache for three hours after that. It was annoying enough I managed to just watch ep. 25 of the WWII documentary and prepared for my English teaching. Upon arrival to the English class, I got a word it got canceled, so I cycled back home. In the end, I got all the small stuff done, but none of the long term. I felt a bit nervous about not doing anything for Iceland today, I'll strike back tomorrow with renewed vigor but I was thrown off rhythm both by my morning experiment and then by not teaching. I'll at least go sleep early today! Tomorrow: research Iceland (dorm, visa, flight, job), prep ENG teaching, exam prep Friday

During the course of my life (and more importantly, during the detox), I hardly ever feel depressed, maybe just overwhelmed from time to time, because I think I sometimes demand more of myself than I reasonably can. One important thing is to realize how you got into the situations of your past and try to avoid them in the future by being responsible. As Einstein says: I know why my girlfriend left me, even though it was our first relationship and I am very happy about the experience. I realized we were in some weird co-dependent relationship that was no good and we didn't know how to solve our own problems, let alone problems in the relationship. I know why I quit gaming and Twitch. It took more than 90% of my free time for questionable gains for several years, maybe even a decade. It was really only then I realized me and my gf were both the same wretches! Taking responsibility for all that liberated me. Against all odds. Lesson I got from that is that there's no point in feeling depressed, feeling overwhelmed and beating myself over past things, because I understood them, hopefully to the extent I don't have to go through them in the future. I also think these "bad" feelings are less likely to occur the more responsible and knowledgeable you are about yourself. Hope that helps! ?

I'm putting it out here, so you don't have to stigmatize yourself if something like that happens. After reading your comment, I got curious and I found this site below for some interesting ideas regarding the topic. As with everything in life, there's more to it: https://www.nateliason.com/blog

Alright, so that's a month done! I literally have no time to crave gaming. Drifting away from the abyss seems pretty great, truth to be told. Day 30: In the morning, I watched ep. 23 of the WWII documentary. I watched a debate between Peterson and de Sousa. I was actually a bit ridiculous to watch! After that, I made my webpage for English teaching; it's very basic and took me about an hour to setup, but it's alive and functional. I felt a bit overloaded later on after lunch, so I took a break and watched some Simpsons. After that I prepared materials for English teaching. Discussing dating with three people twice my age was a bit funny, however it was the topic in the book! Going back and forth to the class, I cycled for about 30 minutes too. In the evening, I mostly just slacked and scoped the dating site. I forgot about my Russian Duo, so I still have to finish that before I rest. Great day regardless! Tomorrow: research Iceland (dorm, visa, flight, job), prep ENG teaching, twitch cash?, work out, groceries, exam prep Friday, self-authoring

I'll quote myself on this: I guess it speaks for itself, unless you have sex on a reliable basis, I can't figure out where would it go. I have my phone on silent by default, I check it every now and then anyway. I rather use e-mail and SMS, where I can be concise and think my response through a bit.