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Ikar

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  1. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 69: Missed an entry yesterday. I feel like I am still bombarded by a lot of impressions, although that is not really helpful, if I want to focus and think about something. I visited the church yesterday and sat down there to contemplate a bit. I thought about two hypotethical neighbors that didn't kill each other over a stolen chicken, perhaps just from the fear of holy revenge of some sorts, and thus worked out a peaceful solution. I also feel grateful for the fact that humanity has come along so far that I can use English, my home ID and home credit card to get me going in a developed foreign country. Doing that a century ago would be difficult and two centuries ago probably near impossible. So really, yay for humanity, even if we still do some pretty atrocious things to each other, physically and mentally.
  2. The ways of how the world works are weird, but I got into my English business primarily based on what my gaming career provided. I am still working on the university, just in case I do poorly. I read a proposition somewhere that you should thoroughly think about stuff you do daily (I guess weekly works too) for more than two hours. Massive pattern interrupt like I am doing right now is pretty amazing for thinking what do I need in life and what I do not need. All that is related to the hell one man's life can be without a real schedule, even if it would be imposed externally.
  3. It is rough to sacrifice the present for the future. Everyone in their lives makes progress, to stop means death. If you are convinced you want to be an artist, you have to put in the hours and I believe you do that. Sometimes you got to remember the hell you would be in if you had not decided to quit. You got something better going for you now!
  4. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Thanks! I just need one hit. I cannot say yet, since I am here for a short time and did not see much, but the ads and pamphlets say it is, so I will believe them for now! Rule 3 I had to read twice, because it was that great and heavy-hitting. I really like the idea of dissecting problems down to their core and acting from there and that responsibility is basically a religion.
  5. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 68: I feel like my brain insists on feeling weird, despite putting in some effort. I asked a few people and handed in a few CVs personally. So I think the mistake was perhaps feeling anxious, just because I felt I could get the job on the spot somewhere. Other than that, I wandered around the immediate area of Reykjavik, exploring and basically ready to be excited and I indeed did find a few nice places. I walked a TON. I will give the jobhunt a week and if it goes poorly, I will just trek/stop/bus around, until I run out of ideas where to go. I finished 12 Rules today and it has been a great read. I could not help, but nod when I read some of the passages, primarily resembling my family, my ex and ultimately myself. I will try to assemble my thoughts better the next time, I feel somewhat scattered.
  6. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 67: Just checking in from Iceland, will try to search for some part-time tomorrow.
  7. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 66: I did Duolingo in the morning, a bit of Jocko with Peterson and Rubin with Tolle to help me out with the letter. I'm quite happy about it, as I can say I can see the actual meaning behind what I write and I am getting better with turning my words into reality and I think that's good and appreciated by virtually anyone around me. Well, damn. I finally got hit by some actual fear and anxiety today! It was about time. This must be the most mentally demanding day of my detox, even if it's completely unrelated to games. I feel a bit paralyzed and easily distracted, but it helped I didn't leave everything for the last day. I set up everything I could to the best of my ability, experience and time and we'll see how that plays out. Everything is sort of in the air, so I am not sure when/if I will report from Iceland, but I will have to confront the unknown on the spot before conjuring up a plan on how to deal with it.
  8. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 65: I watched an old JP lecture to get me into a good contemplative mindset for writing the letter (spoiler). Then I got an unexpected message that sucked about two hours of my time. However, after some calls and mails I basically made a very nice amount of money out of the initial issue. Solving problems actually works! I read a bit of 12 Rules to get me into the contemplative mindset again to write the letter. It's gonna be tough, but I'll try to finalize it tomorrow. I'll do the same with a few pieces gear that might be handy, as I'm already packing whatever I'll need. In the afternoon, I went English teaching and I enjoyed it thoroughly. I visited my brother and said goodbye to him. Right now, I'm just dead tired, which means I did a good job today!
  9. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 64: I went for a car checkup in the morning, got some info on internet roaming and travel insurance. I visited grandma in the afternoon and said goodbye to her, as I'm leaving soon. I went English teaching afterwards and did some checks on my equipment in the evening. What I didn't do was writing the letter, but I won't to be sharp on that and hence I'll do it tomorrow morning. I also didn't read 12 Rules today, but I will catch up on that tomorrow too.
  10. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 63: Today's been pretty good. I slept in quite a bit after the last night. I got quite a few things regarding my Iceland trip straightened out amd I read 12 Rules. I also managed to write more of the letter which is important, as it also helps my mind to be more articulate. I also worked out in the evening.
  11. I follow you with being superficial on the internet, but I think it really comes from boredom if you just chat about nothing with someone. It can happen IRL too though. I prefer talking about profound things with people and while a well-asked question can snap me into that mode, it takes some time to engage in a genuine conversation. I noticed a spike in total time in that mode after my ex broke up with me and I think that's good. Schedules are also good or at least to-do lists. Yesterday-me probably had a good reason to put these things in for tomorrow! As for achieving in games, it's rough. Generally, it's a good idea to not stake 90% on one card in life to define your purpose/meaning, because if it's gone, you're 90% gone too. The chaos either kills you or perhaps makes you realize there are more things in life to live for that was previously your 10%. The point is to have a plan in games, before you get sucked in and have the game plan for you by reaching the unreachable top. Games are great for marking progress too. Maybe your plan is to have rank 10 in HS, have a K/D over 2 in CS or play some old-school 2000s single-player RPG from start to finish with all the quests, but you gotta decide for yourself.
  12. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 62: Yesterday I did Duolingo, played Scrabble, read quite a bit of 12 Rules, visited a concert and hanged out with high school friends for quite a large part of the day. It was quite nice talking to them! I got home pretty much in the middle of the night, so I left journaling for today.
  13. Sucks about the relapse, however good luck with the girl! Can't give advice, figure it out for yourself! :P
  14. I realized it's kinda interesting how this works, but it seems to me that every single relationship you have (including one with yourself) is affected and affecting the other ones. For example, I don't think one can conjure up a great romantic relationship if his family is in disarray, working on truces rather than co-operation and his friends are few and the connections bland. That's really a lot of weight the romantic relationship would have to pull to be more than the horrid combination of the above, because one just doesn't have the means.
  15. Writing is great! I'm happy I kept everything I wrote since 2013, though it wasn't much. What a sick kid I was... it's a nice reminder though.
  16. You can feel like that again, I am sure of that! There's not gonna be any shortage of hard work while doing that though. I go over my diary, write down whatever important areas of my life I can think of and track progress on them. If it's a priority, I should progress towards it at least once a month! This is an interesting observation and I think it's correct. I also feel like people around me (primarily parents) are getting better, since I quit gaming. Just the mere fact I spend more time with them or do the household chores when asked more often. I also get this "comfortable tiredness" feeling at the end of the day more often, literally feeling I did some actual work to justify my existence today. One of my friends called that happiness and he might be right, because it's the moment when you are enjoying the good work you did during the day and you are taking a few minutes to appreciate that at the end of the day which should be gratitude.
  17. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 61: I didn't have a schedule for today and I think it showed. I did Duolingo, washed the dishes, successfully practiced building a tent I'll be using for Iceland, worked out, sent the essay to my friend, did some groceries and got more tips for Iceland from friends.
  18. @ElectroNugget Myself, I shared my opinions on my childhood phase with my family quite recently, just so they know and perhaps can follow my train of thought and I slowly begin to see that problems are there to be solved, not to be ran away from, otherwise they'll just bounce back on top of other new problems. Problems are good. Taking a break to see that things are going well is also good. You don't even need anyone else to help you solve yours, so that's even better! Exes are rough to deal with. On one hand, they know you better than anyone else (and there's tons of value in that, especially if you can get an honest conversation going), on the other, there's something in that why you parted (and usually not on good terms). If it was serious, both of you did something wrong along the way (so you can't blame it on the other) or there was something wrong to begin with. There's also gonna be a point when you have to draw the line, where you just stop worrying about what they might tell you, because it's been such a long time ago that the information isn't valid (something I am figuring out myself right now). And no matter how close you are to someone, telling the truth is rough and they need to not only trust you, but trust themselves to trust you and you can't trust yourself, if you keep questioning everything, because you are depressed (generally for the reason you're not honest with yourself and don't trust yourself). Good line, I've read it before, but it is important to realize that. This is why I like monthly summary. It helps keep progress in the grander scheme of things and it's also a good indicator of where you are heading and what your goals are. I don't think anything is a goal, unless you work towards it at least once a month.
  19. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 60: I did some small stuff in the morning, finished watching the Maps of Meaning 2017 YT lectures and visited a sports event in the evening with mom.
  20. I got back on FB a few days after about 2 months (I quit FB before I quit games), but for a very pragmatic reason of seeking job abroad, as it's amazing how many people it connects, how many opportunities it creates and how easy is it to use. I'll get rid of it again after I find what I'm looking for, though I wish everybody got back to text clients like QIP or Skype. At least WhatsApp is getting decently popular and Messenger is an option too.
  21. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 59: In the morning, I drove my car for a checkup which turned out okay. After that I bought the tent, mattress and, most importantly, manicure scissors. I shopped regularly a bit too. After lunch, I got the dishes washed, wrote the summary above and Duolingo and went English teaching afterwards. I solved some Internet issues in the evening and now I'm writing this and relaxing. I feel pretty on point the past few days, time just flies by and my things get done slowly, but surely.
  22. Damn, you are indeed getting hammered, the past catching up to you and the present stacking up together to get you. However, there's always possibility for redemption, especially if one is able to alter his approach and mindset. I've put in my feedback on long-distance relationships before. At some point, the couple has to close in the distance and actually start being together and so that means at least one of them is moving. It's quite the commitment and the clock doesn't stop, so I'm seeing a faulty pattern there. She can still support you if you are friends too. Don't idolize your past work experience. At some point, you realized that it's better if you do your own thing. Unless it was legitimately as enjoyable, fun and meaningful as your painting hobby is right now, you did the right choice. Don't judge yourself too harshly, you wrote yourself that the past weeks you're making significant progress. The future is still there for you, even if there's still gonna be several nasty surprises connected to the past. If everything else fails, you have two goals. Don't game and live. As for responsibility, it's something you adopt yourself, it's not something you randomly get. University might give you the paper that you are a student, but studying is on you. I hope I didn't sound like too much of a preachy SOB, I'm trying to work with whatever information I've been given and I might be missing something. Hope this helps!
  23. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Here's my monthly summary again. Game Quitters - I'm trying to be a worthwhile member of the community. physical development - I have some "extra" movement about 90% of all the days, which means I either cycle or go out with my basketball for about 30 minutes on a daily basis, so my endurance is definitely going up. mental development idols - In the past month, I think I prioritized practical matters like university and Iceland preparation. I still read 12 Rules and listen mainly to Peterson, but not as much as before. Self-authoring is still something I'm working on every now and then, though I'd like to do more of it. going out more/new people and screen time reduction - Taking on extra responsibilities definitely helps with the screen time reduction and there's always plenty to do and fix, if you look around enough. I think I meet quite a bit of people, the trouble is that I don't meet them on a daily or semi-daily basis to really establish some more meaningful connections faster. I feel fairly confident talking to people, I believe teaching helps with that. uni - 100% done and continuing in about 3 months. English teaching - I'm fairly confident in it, I think I can provide a reasonable performance and experience both at the same time and I think my students are enjoying that. It helps with socializing, discussing ideas and I even get paid for that. What a deal! I wrote that before, but it's still valid. my business - This has to be tackled when I return, perhaps even more than the university. Searching for possible employers and students is crucial towards my growth. Iceland - I might have a bit of a pickle here. I know a friend of mine went there Bear Grylls style (he had a tent and sought job on the spot) the last summer and everything worked out for him quite decently. I'll commit to doing that if absolutely necessary, though I'd prefer to have my comfort. I still have a bit more than a month to sort this out. It turns out that's exactly what it's gonna be, for the first few days anyway, because I got nowhere sending emails. I'm getting my gear together and if everything goes to hell job-wise, I'll just walk around there for a month, visit some sites and go home. Nobody can rob me of that, except if they took my tent away on the airport check-in, but I hope that won't happen! family - I shared my story with my brother and he shared his with me about a week ago, it was a good talk. I feel like my parents got a bit more cheerful and less negative as well. My mom is definitely happier with my newfound sense of responsibility and I think my dad noticed I do more and talk less as well, which is exactly what he does when something needs to be done. Russian - 32 days streak on Duolingo, just thought it'd be nice to share. And last but not least: dating - I don't think I've been on OKC seriously for over two weeks and I'm turning towards the fact it's not worth it, especially if they took away the direct messaging system and I've ran out of girls within reasonable distance. I think I used Tinder for 6 months and OKC for 3 months before I met my ex. I think I'm better off picking up some hobby and meeting someone there, so I need to conjure up some social hobbies. As for my ex-girlfriend, I think I got the main points across and a plan on that yesterday. The truth is, our past united us in the past. Working towards being more desirable to women goes in the same direction as being desirable to her and that goes in the same direction to being desirable towards myself and I can never separate that from each other. AFTER ICELAND - priorities: hobbies: modeling (WWII stuff), paintball, geocache, drumming (yoga?) Meditate my business/English teaching university (whatever happens and springs to mind while there)
  24. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 58: In the morning, I mowed the lawn, I also made a call to check up my car tomorrow. I did Duolingo and some heavy Iceland research overall throughout the day - jobs, clothes, gear insurance, basically everything. I decided to postpone going to the shop for the tent for that matter, so I can buy everything relevant there all at once. I visited my grandma. For whatever reason, she and my mom seem quite hell-bent on me sending a letter to my ex, stating the fact I finished my first year on the university. She already mentioned it the last week, but I conjured up something better - sending her a letter from Iceland. There's a very personal element to doing that, as it was a decision/wow to my ex I made in November the last year. Back then, I wanted to get out of the country and she gave me the destination, so combined, it turned out perfect, even if she's not around. There was a period when we communicated after we broke up, especially after I joined GQ. I was fairly direct about throwing "truth-bombs" my way as I came up with them, but once I got around what is needed to sort myself out, I realized what is needed for her to match my new standards. While I was serious and honest communicating my flaws, she wouldn't take kindly whatever her mistakes could've been in my estimations. Perhaps I sounded like a parent, a bit patronizing, but the saying "Takes one to know one." applies to narcissists 100%, since I never got a serious message back from her. Since the "truth-bombs" already fell, I plan my letter to be kinder than whatever I sent before, as I want her genuine response. Perhaps some things clicked for her as they did for me. Realizing I was unconsciously malevolent towards her in the relationship in some very subtle ways was quite a discovery. Even I realized that there was a long way of struggles I had to go through before I found GQ and that it's those small steps forward that eventually got me here. It'll be a test; she's either stuck in her own personal hell, that I got to know very well and that I can point my finger at and say "Hell is real.", or she's working towards becoming a better person. Either one is motivating for me. People are peculiar beings though and I believe everyone is digging their way to hell and building their staircase to heaven at the same time, it just depends on whichever way you work in faster. I legitimately think my consciousness got upgraded to see that clearly, among other things. I'm more responsible; I work out, educate myself, plan the trip, help around the house more, connect to parents and friends better and plan my actions better. I wasn't able to do that with her around, so I doubt the fact I'd be secretly desperate to get her back. I had fun English teaching today, playing some games with the students. I think I am striving towards "English - experienced" more than "English - taught" approach and I think that's good.
  25. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 57: In the morning, I made the selection for the tent, I'll pick it up tomorrow morning, along with some other small stuff. I'm writing an evaluation for my teacher friend about the experience during the weekend, as he wanted some feedback and I got my thoughts together. I did some research into spirituality and masculinity. I taught in the afternoon and had fun with it! Right now I am scanning for whatever I've left undone today and planning ahead for tomorrow.
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