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Ikar

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Posts posted by Ikar

  1. 4 hours ago, BrassWolf said:

    Right on in agreement! I think it's around 1 in 25 people that are sociopaths and whenever I encounter one I go "Oh look, there's one of those assholes. This increases the chance the next person I meet will not be an asshole!" and when we are forced to be in proximity to them, all we have is our influence and what we choose to do with what is presented to us! Glad you are finding time to make connections around you and figure things out for yourself!

    Thanks for the comment, made me write what I thought about before.

    I think this might have something with the fact that I am still young and perhaps not as acceptant when people do not go in line with my values (this particular one was honesty). This was the section I am talking about:

    On 8/22/2019 at 10:36 PM, Ikar said:

    It sounds strange, but for example if I call out someone on lying to me, I do not do it to invalidate all the good things they have done before and show them they are completely untrustworthy. I do it because I want to make them aware of it and find out why they were lying AND I will be happy if they return the favor sometime in the future when I might get out of line myself.

    It stems from the fact moral relativism/nihilism messed up a lot of my life. I think I would be able to justify a murder, if I was set out in some circumstance for a longer time.

    I do not think true integrity can come from such behavior. I think integrity needs rules. Those rules need to be revised time from time, but they also need to be actually acted out. Only then you can perhaps push through harder times without fretting, even if lying would be the easy way out.

    What is perhaps interesting is that lies are generally inactions ("I will do this tomorrow."), rather than the act of consciously saying something you know to be untrue.

    Kinda wish I was in better focus now, but I hope that my reaction is still somewhat congrugent.

  2. Day 125:

    Nothing special happened today.

    Yesterday, I could not sleep for a while, because I napped too much during the day. I know I did about 6 days of true nofap and 18 days without ejaculatory masturbation up until yesterday. My thoughts regarding this are positive now.

    Tomorrow:

    monthly rep, 4 months, short walk, cook (money invest), podcast GQ, (book+write), laundry, GRS.

    • Like 3
  3. Day 124:

    Alright, the time is finally ripe for a big update. Some of it are gonna be my own thoughts of my past and some of them are gonna be things I discussed with the people I know. 

    Going back to my past, I am inclined to believe that the relationship was the classic romantic love. There was passion, there was connection, but no lasting trust/commitment. All of that was done unconsciously.

    That is probably nothing new, however it might be the explanation for my drive for connection/sex I am working on experiencing again, BUT also consciously throwing in the responsibility/trust factor in to make the next relationship last longer. I am still new to the concept of responsibility, but I believe I made a good headway the last 4 months.

    I also notice the "savior" complex to try and help someone (without going into much detail IF they actually deserve/need help) is still present in me. It was there when I tried to "help" my ex out of depression, it was still partly there when we had some issues on the workplace recently.

    I have to be conscious of that and try to cop around for the justice of others less. Their problems are theirs and my problems are mine. That's that.

    Another one I found out is that "If you want peace, prepare for war." applies to human relationships as well.

    It sounds strange, but for example if I call out someone on lying to me, I do not do it to invalidate all the good things they have done before and show them they are completely untrustworthy. I do it because I want to make them aware of it and find out why they were lying AND I will be happy if they return the favor sometime in the future when I might get out of line myself.

    Honestly, I do not think one can maintain this kind of a relationship with everyone they regularily meet. Family, romantic partner and friends, and that is probably all. It will probably not include a random Joe at work, though maybe if you call him out and he accepts the callout gracefully, you might become friends through that. Who knows, life is weird!

    Back to the saying, I would say most people are not prepared for war with most people, so peace (which I guess is friendship in this analogy) is impossible and rather, they have an armistice. Chances are there is plenty of unmarked mines laying around, ready to blow up and send them both to war.

    And a classic to top it off, you cannot make someone change. They can be a liar, racist, arrogant prick, stomping kids' sandcastles on a beach - whatever. You can perhaps try to make them aware of the issue, but that is all you can do.

    It was sure a long entry, but it sums up my summer work experience and a few other bits that help me understand myself and others.

    • Like 2
  4. Day 121:

    Work!

    After that, I ate, went outside, took a nap and asked a few friends/family about investing money. I would like to get that out of the way, as I feel my future is somewhat lined up for at least the next two years. I guess Getting Rich Slowly might help with that too, though it is a US blog.

  5. 8 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

    Thanks for replying. I also find this website to be kind of hollow as well with support. I've become more and more detached from it recently

    Depends. I am happy to write back to someone commenting on my journal, but ultimately, I do it primaripy for myself and not for somebody to comment on it. Even if I sometimes leave something out to crunch it in my head first, it is better than having no journal and no accountability at all.

    As for friends, "introverted" does not necessarily mean "without social skills", but those two unsurprisingly correlate with 8-hours a day gaming addicts. If they are that, and you think they are at least not as self-aware as you in this regard, then leave them. No regrets. They will hardly notice you are gone, but again, even crappy friends are still better than none. 

    Myself, I will try a bunch of hobbies once I get home in about 3 weeks and try to socialize more through them, as my work schedule is irregular. 

  6. Day 120:

    I wrote a bit and meditated in the morning and took a short nap. I tackled job searching at home and I seem to be caught up. I read some interesting articles too. I went outside for a while too and wrote even more to people in the evening.

    I got some work done today, though it felt a bit diffused and structureless. I guess I am just not used to having free time now! 

    The article below is long but fairly interesting and a few things rang very true for me.

    https://markmanson.net/how-to-grow-up

  7. 11 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

     

    One of the issues I'd like to highlight this week is that I've constantly been complaining about fake people. I think I have multiple "friends" who put zero effort into any friendships. These people are the introverted, meek, shut ins who do not socialize with others, don't talk to others about their problems, and don't talk to you about yours. Zero effort and pathetic altogether. I have so many friends who are addicted to video games who just work 8 hours a day, play video games 8-10 hours a day, and sleep the remainder. They make no effort to socialize, mate, or improve their lives or fix their problems. They just escape into this cesspool called the internet where they can hide from everything instead of face their problems.

    Ha, that seems like me about half a year ago. Strangely enough, I did manage to find a gf, yet unsurprisingly, she would be addicted to her phone.

    I guess since we have been this way for a longer time, where our friendships were either defined by common addiction or/and very superficial, it takes time to find different people for the next stage of our life.

    I guess I was "lucky" enough to not even make any shut-in friends that I would feel bad for leaving behind after I stopped gaming and streaming. 

    I also recently came up with the concept of "The real work comes after you come back from work." and I quite like it, though it is not obvious some people feel better at home than at work, though majority would like to think that.

    • Like 1
  8. Day 119:

    In the morning, I cooked and did the laundry, wrote, meditated for a few and was napping/thinking until lunch.

    After lunch I went outside for a walk. I was exploring an area I have never been to and halted for a nice snack too, so I came back 4 hours later.

    In the evening, I felt tired from the long walk, so I just did things to keep myself awake, though I still managed to listen to the Life Unlocked podcast #2. 

    One thing I got from it was that I want to write my monthly summary again and perhaps prepare some small speech/showing of photos to my family and some friends. I got a lot out of these 4 months and I think it might be worth sharing my experience with others, though it will take some time to write.

    Tomorrow:

    Jobs, monthly, 4 months, short walk, cook (money invest)

  9. Day 118:

    I felt a bit smashed for the whole day. I managed to push through though and have a good day. I went outside and wrote.

    Tomorrow:

    Podcast GQ, walk 2-3, write to people, cook, book+write, laundry, GRS.

  10. Day 115:

    After work, I went outside, thought of some cool ideas for stuff to do at home, wrote to people and wished my dad happy birthday.,

    I will need to take some time, perhaps a day or few to sort out everything I want to do once I am back home. 

    • Like 1
  11. Day 114:

    Back to work for me after the weekend. I was setting up some bank stuff, wrote to a few people, called with parents and watched Two Diners by Peterson again to crank me up. After that, I went outside to lie for a bit to think and cooked a chicken.

    I intently lied in my speech today after a long time. It was the sort of lie where you are too careless at first, forget to do something, lie about it and go fix it immediatelly after that in no time flat, to not be too much of a bastard.

    I am vigilant.

  12. Day 113:

    I spent the morning in the bed, practising NEOs. I feel ambivalent, perhaps a bit confused, as I do not actually know what do I promise from a no-fap, whether partial, full or none at all. 

    Later on, I was reading and on the internet. I cooked lunch, took a break and went for a walk to a church, where there is also a golf course. I was collecting golf balls for about an hour, but then I went back as there were too many and nobody to return them to on the weekend. I will go there once my employment on the pig farm ends.

  13. Day 111:

    OK, I guess a long silence was a long entry yesterday. After work, I have been researching some stuff and wrote an email, then I tried to meditate by counting breaths (which was difficult) and then I fell asleep early.

    Day 112:

    I had a day off today, so we hitch-hiked to Reykjavik with one companion. One of the drivers was a teacher and I remember two things from him: passion and patience. 

    Though I know delaying is no bueno, I will have a day off tomorrow as well and I will have an easier time writing too, as I feel somewhat out of focus now.

    • Like 1
  14. Day 110:

    After work, I went outside, wrote to friends and saw a dead baby whale that got stranded on the coast nearby.

    I have been thinking of writing a longer entry, tomorrow I will do that.

    • Like 1
  15. I agree with making a change. In retrospect before I quit gaming, I can say I had a ton of issues that I am currently trying to become aware of and slowly untangle. I talk to and listen to people more. The fun fact about people is that we never really know ourselves in the present.

    Anyhow, go for it. As if your life was at stake which it is!

    • Like 1
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