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Ikar

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Posts posted by Ikar

  1. Day 154:

    I watched a short Peterson lecture (2017 Personality videos) and demolished tiles in the bathroom, so the reconstruction can progress. After lunch, we visited the grandma for her name-day. That was pretty much it for today.

    It's gonna be time for a monthly report soon and perhaps even for a half-year report.

    • Like 1
  2. Day 153:

    I watched Peterson explaining the Lion King as an archetypal story. I've also read up on some of the Jungian concepts of "anima" and "animus" and it was fairly interesting.

    I also hoovered, cleared out some mails and tabs, sent several emails, mowed the rest of the lawn and checked out additional uni courses. I also had a light meditation in the bath.

    • Like 1
  3. Day 152:

    I went to an interview, did some paperwork in the town and mails, Duolingo, got my leaflets around the village and also researched something about my further education. Tomorrow I have a day off, I'm quite happy about it.

    • Like 2
  4. Day 151:

    I taught English for 5 hours today and it was mentally draining, but because I am not used to it, rather than someone making some trouble. I wrote with a few friends today, did Duolingo, cycled on my bike and even wrote a few emails in the evening. I think I deserve to relax for the rest of the day.

  5. Welcome back!

    21 hours ago, ElectroNugget said:

    All that said, today I found out my ex of a few months now has got a new boyfriend and is moving to Munich with him. Things seemed to move very quickly there... To be honest while I have not thought all that much about her, this was a real hammer blow to my mood and self-esteem today. I have a lot of negative and self-defeating thoughts about this... I'm really tired of struggling with relationships and breakups in the way that I have the past few years. I feel like it takes me forever to move on, if ever, while my exes have all seemed to just flit to the next relationship very quickly. I don't wan't to sound bitter about it, but it really hurts me and I can't seem to find the root why, or what I am hoping for here... I'm tired of having these moments of intense pain, where everything comes back. I don't know how to progress to a more capable, stable and whole human being. I want to be able to live and be relatively happy on my own, if that's what my life is going to be.

    I feel like I have struggled, bit and fought for every inch of ground I've gained over my anxiety and depression in the past few years, while exes, friends and colleagues have coasted through life. I honestly don't know how they do it, and I feel like I'm having to make massive personal sacrifices to try and reach the kind of person I want to be... and yet things like this keep happening. I keep feeling this pain. I don't know. I don't know how to be good enough. Maybe I'll never be good enough.

    I'm gonna quote myself 3 months ago, because I think it is relevant.

    On 6/17/2019 at 8:28 PM, Ikar said:

    Whew well, sucks to hear that. Take your time on it and see what you can make up of it and don't do anything fatally stupid. Judging from the way you wrote it, you didn't expect that in the slightest and it was likely more or less on her decision.

    Even if her reason is valid and running a long-distance relationship is not easy (my ex would travel 3 hours by train to see me and I would have to drive half of that if I was seeing her), there's some merit in knowing that "sooner" (for women) or "later" (for men), you want to start living together and have some joint, shared vision of future together, because women are tighter on the biological clock (again, I think might've been relevant, if you dated for several years). Perhaps she couldn't articulate that well enough, perhaps you turned a blind eye to that aspect, who knows.

    Again, this is purely my perspective from your writing and don't you dare do anything fatally stupid. You'll get by, with or without her. Feel free to PM me, if you want!

    What worked in my case (after the breakup) was to acknowledge that there was something good and something bad in the relationship and be really mindful about what did I consider "good" and what did I consider "bad". I had some things do a 180 when I realized my ex unconsciously hates me, to put it shortly. It felt like only then I could come to terms with my past and not be traumatized by it, if it somehow manifests in my everyday life, either directly or as an innocent association. Otherwise I think self-pity and bitterness would do me in, slowly and painfully.

    • Like 2
  6. @Blab Good for you that you realized that you use it primarily for something else than learning a language!

    On 9/15/2019 at 5:52 AM, TwoSidedLife said:

    @Blab It's a tricky disguise. Especially cause it seems justified.

    Just checked cause I remembered seeing DuoLingo recommended in the hobby list here (Yeah, it's recommended as a resource). I think Duo use to be a lot different a few years ago, not sure. I personally don't think it should be a resource here. Everyone on this thread seems like they might agree w that.

    I think some 30 months ago when I started out on Duolingo learning Russian, there were streaks and XP already in place, but I'm not sure about the medals.

    Myself, I think Duolingo is still a perfectly valid resource and possibly one of the best ways to really start off learning a language - to hammer in some basic grammar and vocabulary for survival level abroad. I mean, of course they "rigged" it a to try and keep your attention, but it's still on you just how much attention are you willing to give it.

    In a broader sense, everything that can take advantage of the play/gaming aspect, does so, because it's naturally appealing to humans. Tinder works that way. News (either on TV or paper) are also trying to "steal" your attention by the fact that e.g. a bombing happened that in some remote location you've never been to. It's definitely more interesting than the fact that e.g. firefighters rescued 12 kittens from trees in your city in the past year.

    So all I can say is just that we should be aware and I think any self-convicted gaming addict has some basic form of self-awareness. Your eyes are yours only.

  7. 3 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

    Are you currently working right now as well? I worry about the gaming stream because I think it will conflict with the progress you've made.

    I currently work once a week and I will go to university once a week soon as well. The university is on a normal workday though and, for whatever reason, most employers here cringe at the idea someone would not go to work five times a week, even if they say there's not enough people to fill in all the empty positions. That's the reason I am adding my work from from "0" hours, rather than subtracting from "40" or "50" hours a week, taking days off just so I could go to work etc. I've also come to terms with having all that free time and trying to use it more wisely.  It took me half a year and a breakup. I'd say most people are not faced with that situation until they are retired.

    Obviously, I will not know what's up until I actually start streaming games, but it's like that with everything. I've been learning three languages on Duolingo for over a week now (I'm also aware of the fact that I will just grasp the basics like that). I do not know if I will ever have the chance to realistically use them. Every hobby seems to be like that when you start it and most hobbies just stay hobbies until you quit them.

    I also feel like a bit of a special potato when I'm reading most of the journals, because the average "quitter" seems to have more, longer and stronger cravings than me. I've experienced some minor cravings perhaps the first week, but I was mostly excited about actually having time to get other stuff done, rather than cowering in the corner and looking at the clock. There have been some thoughts about gaming along the way of the detox, but it was the same as with thoughts about my ex or the army - I just accepted them, thought about them a little bit and let them go, primarily because I think it is a very good idea to be at peace with your past.

    I am a strong believer that if something in your past makes you uncomfortable, sad or angry, then that is exactly the reason to focus on sorting your past out. I think it is ideally done the best with someone you can trust (the diary is pretty cool as well), but the main incentive has to come from within you anyway.

    • Like 1
  8. Day 150 = 5 months:

    Today felt like a really long day which is good, because that means I got a lot of things done.

    I did my languages, watched Peterson lectures for a few hours, rode on my bike + visited and talked to my grandma, did the groceries, wrote with a friend for quite a while and prepared for English teaching tomorrow (after some 10 weeks or so).

    I also had a thought about re-establishing my gaming stream. x1-x2 a week for 2-3 hours. Always planned a few days in advance.

    I already thought of some both positive and negative implications of actually doing this. I will keep the idea in the back of my head for a few weeks, as I want to be able to nail days in their "basic" form (as I did today and yesterday) at the very least on a regular basis.

    I can definitely say today was good as well.

  9. On 9/14/2019 at 4:25 PM, BooksandTrees said:

    I'll see where the dating goes. I get annoyed with dating sites and apps because my photos aren't these model shots with perfect lighting and effort like most women have on their profiles. I tend to attract women I'm not attracted to and feel obligated to date them. However, in person I am able to attract women who are absolutely beautiful and they flirt with me and I can get their numbers. This gives a false sense of confidence. I think the apps are actually hurting my feelings more than helping.  

    I remember @Ambassador once mentioned this site, as to get ratings on photos for the apps. If you are more successful just approaching women on your own IRL, then definitely focus on that option more. And remember; you just have to get lucky once (at a time anyway).

    13 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

    The reception I got from the Twitch chat box was "Wow! What a blast from the past! The best!" and then nobody talked to me. I lurked around other streams hoping to talk to people but nobody really cared that much.

    I have a different experience. I stayed in touch with one of my viewers even after I quit gaming and we're still in contact. I also streamed as I planned on Thursday and several regulars showed up, asked how I've been after those 5 months and even checked out my diary here. I was really just setting up my phone as webcam for the first hour of the stream and showed photos from Iceland for the rest of it, for some 3 hours total.

    All that makes me think I could handle gaming in moderation and enjoy streaming. However, I'd only like to do it only after I get my scheduling skills back on track.

    • Like 1
  10. Day 148:

    I helped around the house, watched some That Mitchell and Webb Look, but I felt pretty tired after going out yesterday. I got the schedule for tomorrow and Tuesday, I will get it finished tomorrow. I'm also gonna be home alone tomorrow!

  11. There's a nice article about dreams here.

    Reading the article, I also got a thought that there is a meta-dream (that likely most people share) of having a "good life", but indeed you cannot have a "good life" without all the struggles that you actually have to love in order to get it - eating well, having tough talks from time to time, exercising, feeling well at a job etc. I also think those examples are just universal.

    Good luck with the date!

    • Like 2
  12. Day 144:

    I watched a lecture of Peterson in the morning, some M&W, did some small research and wrote emails, went outside and finished The Subtle Art by Mark Manson. My next book is gonna be Gulag Archipelago by Solzhenitsyn. After lunch, I visited my grandma and went shopping for some new T-shirts.

    • Like 1
  13. 6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

    Something I noticed is that I get so busy during the week that I don't plan my weekends and then the weekend comes and I have nothing to do. The discrepancy between stress levels causes depression on both ends. Overwhelming activity for 5 days causes me to just want peace and to relax. The underwhelming loneliness on weekends causes sorrow and isolation. Both cause depression in different ways and feed off of each other. I have actually achieved unhealthy balance here - which is very interesting if you think about it.

    When I was addicted, the normal 5/2 workweek was alright for me. The real hell began when I was idle for more than a week. I dreaded vacations, because I just got decimated by the thought that I would just game through all of it, because what better was there?

    I actually feel like the experience you are having is fairly common among people in general. Myself, though I hated my jobs back then, they kept me away from just gaming all day long and gave me a greater purpose than one I could actually create for myself. Being employed without a plan sucks less than being unemployed without a plan and I learnt that the hard way.

    I think that is what is gonna happen to you if you stay stressed too long - you'll either just be constantly in a fit of rage about something, or you'll just grow apathetic. I do not think any of that is healthy to perform for some 40 hours a week consistently.

    6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

    One of my flaws has been thinking I need to fill all of my spare time so I don't play games. That's actually a successful strategy for beginners looking to quit gaming. Fill all your time and stay busy so you can't game. The issue is that is followed by burnout. Many game quitters relapse after 60-120 days because of burnout. Not all, but many. 

    Oh yeah, I have had that feeling too, but sometimes some days are slower and you nail just the basic stuff and some days are faster and you nail twice the stuff you normally do. And sometimes you just decide to take a break from it all for a few months and find it hard to get back into the old track. We gotta relax somehow as well.

    • Like 2
  14. Day 143:

    I got it nailed today. I watched a discussion/lecture with Peterson after a long time and I feel it inspired me throughout the rest of the day. I watched Mitchell and Webb, did Duolingo, watched a documentary about WWI and wrote emails. I also got off and went reading outside and walked a bit. I wrote with a friend in the evening as well.

    I also notice I actually like to eat and just focus on eating. Eating and multitasking something else just feels dismal.

    • Like 1
  15. Day 142:

    I did about half the stuff I had scheduled for myself for today which is totally fine. I actually nailed all of those I needed to be home for, while for reading and meditation I can do outside. I would like to do them inside, but I just have this constant feeling in the back of my head that parents are gonna interrupt me when I immerse myself into something for an hour, but I might also be making half-assed excuses why to shirk responsibility, so I will just pick myself up and go out tomorrow to get these things done.

    Off-schedule I wrote quite a bit and I also watched some more Mitchell and Webb, I put a video of them into the spoiler too!

    Spoiler

     

     

    • Like 2
  16. Depends on your background. I mean, aside from eating and drinking, virtually everything else in your life is arbitrary.

    I use Duolingo for Russian regularly and a few days back I threw in Spanish (because I had it on high school) and German (randomly). I try to teach English in my home area (it helped out a lot to stream to be really fluent back when I was gaming), so I think picking up additional languages makes sense, as I have no idea if my English teaching business will be successful. I think I like languages too and I think Spanish and English are still more related to each other than English and e.g. plumbing, so I justify it by that.

    I agree with @TwoSidedLife on the fact that if you do not have a strong reason to learn, then you will hardly ever become competent in a language. Good reasons to become competent in a language include, e.g. moving to a foreign country (for more than a few years, let's say more than 5) or building a career in languages.

    But obviously there is nothing wrong with doing a hobby for the sake of doing it, because it brings you some joy, mental or physical stimulation, social interaction etc.

    Myself, I never cared for the game aspect of Duolingo. I enjoy to drop by daily for some minutes, combining all three languages and enjoying the steady graph of daily language learning routine :D

    • Like 2
  17. 6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

    Are you talking about streaming like a podcast sort of format? It wouldn't be gaming, right? I've always wanted to create something like this.

    Yeah, a Q&A of some sorts on those topics, primarily bound to my ongoing detox. It is probably not gonna be anything shocking, if you used my diary as a basis for that.

    That said, I have been in sometimes in the mood for a game a bit since I got back home, but just a quick glance over my schedule/things I want to do to re-adjust back to my home schedule is just making me think I would just dodge my responsibility.

    • Like 1
  18. 5 hours ago, Lea said:

    This is interesting and true, as there is a saying that "what you sow is what you reap."

    I hope that you are adjusting back to home life well. ?

    It seems to work that way indeed!

    As for my home adjustment, it is challenging. I gotta remind my parents sometimes that I have to spend some time on my own. They both have a full-time job, whereas I am basically working whenever I want, searching for opportunities either myself or through proxies. I believe it'll get better once the reconstruction is over, so I will be home alone for the mornings and afternoons, free to do whatever I want without interruptions during that time.

    Day 141:

    Today, I did Duolingo, watched some Mitchell and Webb comedy shows on YT, wrote to friends and here, helped around the house, took a short walk and had a family meeting. I got a schedule for tomorrow and some other parts of the week, but it is so far more of a to-do list, both because I just got back to scheduling and the current situation at home. The meeting yesterday went nicely, I was slightly surprised I did not have a hangover in the morning.

    I also want to stream on Twitch on Thursday, topic being life/psychology/philosophy. I am not expecting large amounts of people watching me, but I will try it anyway.

    • Like 1
  19. My thoughts:

    She feels chemistry, because she wants to force the relationship, even through desperation. I think nobody truly mature is going to kiss (or even accept the kiss) someone they know for 4 days. I do not think she does this consciously, but her actions speak for themselves

    I think with the right values, two people can connect even if they have fairly different interests. It is something that brings some consistent stream of novelty into the relationship. Diversity and willingness to learn. My ex loved nature and I think I came to appreciate nature more when I was with her. When I was in Iceland, it reached the extent where I just laid outside for an hour in the grass, just relaxing and watching the ocean and I did that daily.

    Sex is obviously a great lure to get into a relationship with someone, but building up the relationship purely on it consciously does not sound like a bright idea. It is good you are aware of it. I also discovered that my sex drive is greater than I thought, after my relationship.

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