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Ikar

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Everything posted by Ikar

  1. This is interesting, because I was in the same position about a year ago when I started dating my (first and hopefully last) ex. I was quitting a job I didn't like, expecting my new career to go smoothly, instead I ran into resistance I didn't want to cope with, so I retreated into gaming further. I'm still not very comfortable with this, but individuals need rules and so does a relationship. I genuinely believe most people are honest going into one. I also think this is the part that makes the start of the new relationship so exciting, but everyone needs standards and work out the negotiations, especially as the relationship progresses. "Date nights" might be even more important after the "dating" part of the relationship is over. But as I wrote before, it's mainly up to him to snap out of it. He may or may not do that ever. You can help him change himself, but you can't change him. Stay strong.
  2. It depends, maybe you want to explore and experiment more and conquer your fears. Perhaps you can collect phone numbers from the other sex on the street, go paragliding or whatever else you want. It requires some planning to channel your inner desire though.
  3. Yes and no. I agree that gaming for half the day is an unhealthy thing, however it is generally a symptom of something else. In my case it was social rejection (I was the most unfun person to do anything with when I was 12-16), which was most likely a symptom of my parents not paying enough attention to my irresponsible (but what does a teenager know? everything, except most of it) time usage, which was probably a symptom of my parents' time usage on priorities, which was a symptom... this I would have to ask them about in more detail to continue this, however you get the idea by now that it was something coming a VERY long way. The good thing is I've identified the core issue on my individual level and I can deal with that in a healthier way than blaming my parents and playing a victim for the rest of the life!
  4. Ordeals are great, if you take them the correct way. If all you get from them is bitterness and resentment or just look elsewhere, ignoring the experience, that's not good. Trying to learn from them or even better, doing something to counteract them in the future is the way to go, as you are trying to solve the problem (project time-management) of the problem (biology project). It might even be that the longer the ordeal lasts, the greater the lesson learned. Unsurprisingly, relationships teach you that really well.
  5. The magic is, you can (and should) specify it yourself before you get into it, so you can't stigmatize yourself if you did something borderline. It's a tool to get rid of unwanted behavior. Not something you should enforce on your partner. That said, I guess ONS mentality might be unwanted, but it's up to you.
  6. I agree with @dahankus. Games filled a hole in him and it's pretty rough to tear that band-aid off and fill it with something more worthwhile. There is also indeed no telling if he's gonna take it the "right" way and straighten up, or the "wrong" way and indulge in games even more. It was the right call to leave. Take that from a former game/Twitch addict, whose ex undoubtedly left him partly also because of the same issue, though her poison is social media for a change (causing her anxiety and depression most likely - she'd even tell me that earlier, but I was pretty irresponsible and definitely not awake, so I tried to change that). Oddly enough, her leaving started a series of events that eventually brought me here. There's two outcomes: 1. He keeps it up until the end of his life, unaware. That doesn't mean he can't have a family, but possibly only with a similarly pathological person and it won't have a happy end. 2. He contacts you and wants you back. This is where you have to be extremely aware and awake yourself. His gaming personality (notice I am not saying "him", because "him" is what you fell in love with) is only aimed at gaming and will manipulate, lie and betray just to get to games. However, the gaming personality is a large part of him and it won't go without a fight. Lastly, the problem might be internally his, but it is a problem for both of you regardless if you are a couple (or even married). Take stock of yourself: 1. Gaming was his hobby and it grew from some healthy hour a day into several hours per day. In that case, there was some visible progression and it was your responsibility to try and poke him back into the right direction with some serious talk, so he wouldn't become so one dimensional. 2. He was a full-blown addict when you started dating and you "attempted" to fix him. Generally a bad idea, unless was already trying to quit and genuinely seeking help. I hope I got the point across. I might've been quite curt and blunt in some explanations, but I am tired. My bad! Good luck.
  7. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    As for the above, I do enjoy reading 12 Rules and working out, Duolingo Russian I've always been on and off in the past two years, but I roughly average an exercise per day (5 minutes) and I'm on a 23-day streak. I think I'm still somewhat bad when rewarding myself for doing things I am not very inclined to do. Day 49: I got everything done, except I kinda wish I studied a bit more, I'm catching up on it now at least. 8-10: MoM ep. 10 10-12: week-planning (Excel) 12-13: lunch 13-14: 12 Rules 14-16: EXAM 16-19: swimming pool 19-20: paperwork ideas for future: check your tabs/bookmarks
  8. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    This is gonna be the odd post where I am actually not tired enough to just spew out a few words and shortly evaluate my day. First off, I'll do weekly planning from tomorrow on. The night-tired-me isn't generally in the state of mind to do plan anything too challenging, let alone to do it, so even the not-so-big things get put off, because of the state of mind and they start piling up over time. Secondly, I think I'm still not very good at doing things I'm not overly excited about doing and rather do those I'm more excited about doing. This week, I'd actually narrow it down to studying for the exam, as I honestly spent about 30% of the time I had planned for it in my schedules. I had used my Fridays on the university sort of as a "sanctuary" to shield me from the normal day of gaming/Twitch. I knew it facilitated some interesting insights, as my field of study (economic geography and related subjects) isn't by any means absolute and it slowly changes. I knew even back then that change and at least acceptance of the present moment, or better yet, some effort to make present moment better, was something I found worthwhile. I think I robbed that privileged position from the university by basically admitting that I am educating constantly nowadays. I think it's a reasonable fail-safe policy to persevere to get the degree, in case my primary English teaching idea (supplemented by a few others English-related activities) plummets and I'll be faced with the reality of a 9-to-5 in an office.
  9. Ferriss in his 4 Hour Body mentioned that when you do anything and you really mean it, you should track yourself. I think you can do that for working out quite easily, as you can add more reps and weight, so there should be some progression at least every month, if not sooner. I weigh myself every now and then, as I am trying to put on some weight through exercise and eating a bit more. Perhaps there's some subliminal message from doing that!
  10. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 48: Everything went alright today, I guess a bit less on the studying side, however I want to get through it thoroughly tomorrow for Monday. I got an additional Scrabble in. In the evening, I met up with a friend and we checked out the "museums' night" event. Good day! 8-9: exam studying 9-10: duolingo 10-11: exam studying 11-12: 12 Rules 12-13: lunch 13-15: family/Scrabble 15-16: exam studying 16-17: Duolingo 17-18: exam studying 18-19: work out 19-20: Simpsons ideas for future: check your tabs/bookmarks
  11. I'd also suggest reading articles in the link below. I've read them as well, even if I am self-diagnosed, because it helps to get the perspective from the other side as well: https://gamequitters.com/blog/parents/ Good job on detecting it somewhat early in his life, my parents weren't able to see it. That said, you'll need to be strong for both of you, unrelenting and disciplined. Good luck.
  12. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 48: Everything turned out alright/as planned today, except that I am studying as I write this, but it's a minor hiccup. I got a few "kicks" today that everything is going actually pretty good. I've called a friend and we're gonna meet during tomorrow or on Sunday. Been writing with another friend a ton too about psychology, exes and all that stuff. 8-9: exam studying 9-12: MoM ep. 9 12-13: lunch 13-14: clean room 14-15: exam studying 15-16: Duolingo 16-??: friend meetup ideas for future: check your tabs/bookmarks
  13. 12 Rules are great, #3 hit me quite hard yesterday. I think I want to read it again actually. I guess the baseline for feeling good is less obvious the further up you go the ladder. I think everyone here can agree on the fact that reducing game-time from 10 hours to 0 in a day (and sometimes forever) is a huge step. In the least, you make yourself uncomfortable enough to find another vice to spent 10 hours on. That said, I think if you actually fill in those 10 hours with 5 hours of something more useful, it's a big step. Others don't have to actively praise you for every little thing you did (compared to quitting gaming, if you let them know that), but they will notice the shift in your being. A year ago, I was that hunched thin guy who rather talked than acted. Now, I'm actually noticing I stand up straight when I'm walking, I'm working out (thanks to my own volition) and I act more, simply because the big gaming bubble bursted. To say the least, I think I am less miserable and flawed than I was before and I'm sure that's the case for you as well! That said, it's fine to feel bad at times. I wonder if gratitude practice might counteract those times?
  14. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 47: The first part of the day got nailed by helping my mom with hoovering the whole apartment. I got Russian and 12 Rules done, but I didn't really bring myself down to search for the tent and studying for the exam. Regardless of that, I am fond of my Iceland trip, some steady progress on it and I think it's more important for me than I think. I'll consider journaling earlier in the day, just because I think I might have more to write when I'm in sharper mode. 7-9: MoM ep. 8 9-15: mom, grandma, hoovering, shop, lunch 15-16: Duolingo 16-17: exam studying 17-18: 12 Rules 18-19: free 19-20: work out ideas for future: check your tabs
  15. Seeing a therapist is a good idea, especially if you manage to find a good one. I think too many people resort to that option when it's very or even too late to get their life back on track, because they already lost everything they could go on. I'll consider that option myself.
  16. This. You need to forgive yourself and you do that by understanding what led you to that point. Only if you are truthful to yourself, you can bridge that self-disgust and self-hatred that's pursuing you and you can't sell yourself short on that, because your self-trust and integrity is in question.
  17. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 46: In the morning, I drove mom and visited grandma. I read, did Russian on Duolingo, worked out and bought the flight ticket, so I'm in for the summer. I hope to have a blast an escape the emerging scorching summer that's starting here! 7-9: MoM ep. 8 9-13: drive mom, hoovering, shop 13-14: lunch 14-16: exam studying, Duolingo 16-18: tent search 18-19: 12 Rules ideas for future: check your tabs
  18. Ikar

    ctrl + z

    Enjoy that feeling while it lasts! You'll find something useful to fill in the time with soon enough :)
  19. I agree with that 100%. Once you go ONS-mode, you make sex casual. You should take the possibility of having kids with that person seriously and therefore you should have serious intentions with them too.
  20. Hey! Good luck with the detox and the date!
  21. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 45: I watched Maps of Meaning ep. 7 in the morning and took some notes. After that I studied a bit, got Russian Duolingo done and had lunch. After lunch, I contemplated what I need to do to prepare for my Iceland trip as best as I can. I have three weeks and I think I can handle all of that, so I can make it easy on myself. I read a bit of 12 Rules and went English teaching. I've been reading a bit more in the evening, chatting with a friend and searching for some events in the city to attend in the next few weeks ahead. 7-9: video 9-11: drive mom 11-13: grandma 13-14: 12 Rules 14-16: exam studying, Duolingo 16-17: work out 17-18: flight ticket 18-19: 12 Rules ideas for future: check your tabs
  22. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    I agree, I am just making the case when these two clash together in some occasion to determine which one should take precedence. I didn't mean it in the way I'd go around people on the street, telling them they are fat or something. It was definitely the case I was nicer to my ex than myself though. If anything, I think the "lack of niceness" stems from the lack of truthful interaction inside individuals. To put it simply, someone has problems they can't solve and take it out on you, because they are angry of their own inadequacy or whatever bad thing they happened to encounter. That's dismal.
  23. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 44: I watched Maps of Meaning ep. 6 in the morning and took some notes. After that I had lunch and finally sent the papers over email I had to send that I postponed for no reason. I wrote the exam in the afternoon and decided I'd go to a swimming pool, where I had bought some credit a year ago, but never got there since. That was my workout for the day, it was also interesting watching different people when I was resting. I checked the results of the exam afterwards and found out I failed it, but I have a week to prepare for it the next time and once I've done it, the semester will be done as well. I'll study daily to prepare for it this time. I did Russian, commented here on other topics and watched some Simpsons. I'll read a bit after this. I also fully realized my breakup made my rule of thumb towards women to "be responsible" rather than "be nice". "Niceness over everything" basically nailed the last relationship I had. Responsibility is also easier to act out and clearer cut. 7-11: MoM ep. 7 11-12: exam studying 12-13: lunch 13-15: now-to-Iceland planning (ideas), Duolingo 15-18: English teaching 18-19: 12 Rules ideas for future: check your tabs
  24. That's a long list! I think I was on a daily masturbation habit when I joined GQ for a good while. I even did a week long no-fap as a challenge to myself and it went fine, I didn't have uncontrollable urges. Indefinite no-fap seems strange to me though. It still fluctuates for me, but I do it about thrice a week, I think daily is too much. I think there's a merit in "practicing" and considering how does it make you feel though. I'm not a ONS guy either. If you do it in two minutes, while watching porn (that you already feel nervous about, because you were finding the "perfect" scene for an hour already) and then feel despicable for the rest of the day, that's not good. I shifted myself towards "practicing". No visual, imagination only, constant stimulation, self-control, +10 minutes. I really don't want to be the guy with ED or PE. I think my woman in the future will be more satisfied too! There's an interesting guide on this in the spoiler, hope that helps!
  25. It's all good, well done! I wonder if gradual exposure works with gaming, I think it might. It's used for various illnesses or conditions, like claustrophobia or agoraphobia. It also makes you courageous in a sense, since you act despite fear. I might try that one day myself.