Ikar

Day 250: Yesterday turned out fine and I had an interesting conversation where I put my listening skills to use. It gave me something to think about and write into my blog post I am preparing. I ran/walked outside, did Duolingo and wrote and read for hours today. I do want to do more "practical" things tomorrow though, like cleaning my room, searching for job adverts or setting up my website.

Day 249: I got up super late. We visited grandma for lunch today and I played Scrabble with mom. I read some articles on the internet regarding the psychology of human sex. Other than that, I feel like I did not do anything and I actually got a slight headache. Could it be because of my lack of routines I normally have when I am alone? I am back on the dorms and there's a party going on with the Erasmus students, so I am going to join the fray. I don't plan to get wasted, but one never knows...

All I do is trying to share my perspective on things, sometimes people agree, sometimes people disagree. I'm glad you found my input meaningful ?

Day 248: I read and did some minor stuff during the morning. I'm sleeping over at my parents' tonight, because it's the Christmas Eve. Peaceful holidays everyone ?

I got a cool idea recently regarding sex. I just imagine having sex means having children 100% nine months after it. Surely, a few hundred years ago, even without pills or condoms, the likelihood of that wasn't 100%, but today we're at a point where having sex and having children are almost two separate things. I don't think our brains are emotionally able to grasp that. I think they equate the two things above. It would explain why sex is addictive. It's difficult to walk away from a (once) functional sexual relationship. I believe sex can create a long-term relationship, but whether that relationship will be truly functional or not is decided before sex happens. Functionality is decided on compatibility (common interests, shared values etc.) and after that on putting in the effort from both sides constantly. Sex is a good glue, but the pieces should fit properly before it's used.

Day 247: I took a long walk and went shopping. I wrote a bit, got my blog online and read too. The link for my blog is in the spoiler below, but there's nothing in it yet!

Day 246: A couple guys from my former HS class and I hiked a mountain, so that and transport took us the whole morning and afternoon. I attended my former class' meeting in the evening.

Hehe, the way you put it sounds a bit funny, but it's true. I think at least having a car license is something that is never wasted. I think it is like working out, knowing how to cook, keeping your flat/room relatively clean or having a job that you like and you are good at. It shows a general level of competence and I'd say women crave that. Good observation. I think I was in the same spot. On one hand, I was sort of happy that nobody really wanted anything from me, on the other hand it felt strange and I was likely to be disgruntled if I was asked to do something.

Day 245: I read in the morning, did a bit of paperwork and researched events for the next week. I went to the cinema with several of my former classmates and friends in the afternoon, went to play billiard afterwards and had a good time socializing.

Day 243: I did a bit of work on the paper to prepare me for today, although I did most of it today. I read a bit as well. In the evening, I went to play bowling with my friend and a bunch of other people. We drank a bit more than I'd like, but I managed to win a round! I slept over at friend's place afterwards. Day 244: I got up somewhat late and felt I drank the night before, although it was minor. I got to my dorms and continued writing the paper... up until now. I felt good and steady while writing it, without any stress. I submitted it before the deadline. I'll be okay if I'll have to re-work it a bit. I feel content right now. I hope to catch up on other things I've been writing soon.

This strikes me as the second case of yours in a couple of days where you go really out of your way to comply with/help someone else. The first thoughts I got regarding the drunk was to either shove them into the nearest motel or into their car, while taking the keys away from them, so they can pick them up the next day. If they were a real friend of mine and I wouldn't be drunk myself, I'd drive them over to my place or stayed with them. I feel these are the examples that reinforce the thought you had that people are useless, irresponsible and stupid. It's a sound idea to be this care-taking around babies, but not around adults, as you'll just get used and abused. Don't be selfish. Be assertive. I think "No More Mr Nice Guy" by R. Glover would be an excellent book for you.

The guy mentioned that in general women are sexually viewed as objects and men as subjects. I agree that this idea is flawed. I think there's no correlation between women doing most of the verbal rejections and them wanting sex. I think the exception to that might be ugly girls (or those who think they are ugly). Men do rejections visually. I think transposing this to men would mean something silly like "men don't ask out most woman they meet, so that means they mostly don't want sex". All in all, I think women want sex the same amount as men do. Look up Crumb (1995), if you are interested in this particular sons/mother familial pathology. I saw it a few months ago and it was great. Thanks for sharing @BooksandTrees and @Vidar. I consider myself lucky I did not have my parents actively messing up my own relationships.

Day 242: I got up on time. I also got a new alarm track. I had a short English Skype class and I had to drive to take care of an errand, so that was all for my morning. I took a peek at one biology presentation that was held nearby for a bit. I read Gulag for about 2 hours. I also decided to go for a jog and ran 6 kilometers in 30 minutes, which is pretty good. I've always been proud of my legs, as no matter what I did, they have always been strong. I wanted to work on my paper for uni today, but I did not do much. It should take a couple of hours and I technically have two days to finish it, but I'd like to get it done tomorrow. It felt like I used up all my willpower and focus on reading/running.

I think just a year ago, if someone asked me, I'd have said arrogant like "I have it all figured out." I was unemployed, out of shape by this point, in a faltering relationship. I think that was as far as it could get from "having it all figured out" now. I am a funny guy!

Day 241: About 45 minutes later after the first alarm. I wrote a bit in the morning and got Duolingo done. I went teaching and then visited my grandma. No Ejaculation: 0 days

"Really, that's on me to figure out (which is kind of messed up when you think about it.) I don't have a background in X, Y, Z, so being able to research all of that and figure it out was very cool." Sounds a lot like life with that small change I made. Good job!

Day 240: I was teaching for 5 hours today. I managed to read some 20 pages of Gulag, walk for about 45 minutes, cook chicken breasts (probably for the first time since I left Iceland), do Duolingo and reduce a lot of tabs from my browser. I feel my mind is insanely sharp the past few days and it's really dishing out one interesting connection or idea after another. I feel great and properly stimulated and I think that's a result of being quite social the past several days. It's tough to find spare time to do all I want to do though. No Ejaculation: 1 day (12 days before)

Don't worry, I wrote my ex twice before she would respond myself. I think the second time I wrote "Nobody wants to die alone." - and she replied to that! The rest is, as they say, history. I hopefully learnt my lesson there. The chaser/chasee or savior/victim mentality is toxic, no matter on which end you happen to be.

I am currently fairly busy thinking and writing on my own, but I wanted to write this, as it's based on practice rather than theorizing and it got stuck in my head. I think the woman writing you thrice before you reluctantly agreed to meet up handed you your own medicine. Imagine you would have to try thrice to get her on the date. I think that's a shitty game to play. Just like the woman that tried to kiss you on the first date, it's a sign of desperation to keep asking out someone who doesn't give a damn about you.

Day 239: I visited my parents together with my brother today. I wrote and thought a lot today, I also saw a podcast with Jordan Peterson and Jocko Willink.

Day 237: I had a short English Skype lesson in the morning. It was fairly interesting, because the student started translating quite an advanced manual on his own, so it was a bit challenging for me as well. I searched for events to attend to the next week, although it looks like it won't be as busy as this one. I finished one of my works for uni, so I sunk a few hours into that. There's one more remaining that I have to get done by Christmas, so I'll make some headway tomorrow. I went to the indie rock concert afterwards. Two of my former classmates from high school play in one of the bands and I already knew a bunch of people around, so I talked to the ones I knew from before and also to some I knew only by sight. I didn't see most of them for several months or even a year. Even though I drifted away from indie rock as a genre, the bands had some punk elements to it and good solos for guitar and bass. I had not been to a concert in a long time, but I think I became more receptive towards music. The mosh-pit towards the end was great! Day 238: I woke up with a slight headache. I dodged an entry yesterday, mainly because I returned home at 3 in the morning and I was wasted. It was interesting, as while it made me less intellectually capable, it made me more spontaneous and carefree. I went to my friend's English classes again as support and we talked a bit afterwards. He makes his classes thought-provoking and I think the added value of that is great, as he's not just "teaching English". I am going to post more in the morning.

Thanks! Moving to the center definitely helped out with that a ton. I did not actually bring up the topic myself, it was one girl who mentioned writing her graduate paper on addiction. Her stimuli to do that was spending a few hours on Instagram daily. I remember the discussion also skirting "attention management" and going to chambers of complete darkness and silence (there should be one on one of the faculties and I want to check it out!). I don't think anything struck me as a particularly shocking discovery, maybe because the topic range was so wide. I'll write something more about addiction in the post below.

Damn right! It never dawned on me that there wasn't too much to talk to me about, if my "ideal" day would be spent at home, either gaming a few niche games or watching other people play them. Whatever else I had I could talk about were chores or some societal things that were more or less forced on me (job, school) and that was all there was to me as a person. Nowadays, it feels like I grew balls. I have opinions. I have beliefs. I like this and I don't like that. It doesn't matter if I am (more) right or if I am (more) wrong than somebody else. I feel like having beliefs I can fight for and finding "allies" who share them gives life meaning I can't get if I spend my whole life being ubiquitous.

Huh, I just noticed you had two Day 8s! I hope your girl manages to come out of her stressed/depressed episode on top, all you can do is to support her by telling her the truth and how you feel.

Day 236: About 15 minutes later after the first alarm. I slept over at my parents again, because the logistics would work out better for today. In the morning, mom and I went to take our plum ferment to the distillery. I returned to my dorms in the afternoon and I went to an event in the evening, organized by the students of psychology with a few guests they invited. There was a vast majority of women as well. I didn't know anyone there, so at first, I was at a bit of a loss and sheepish, as I thought I'd arrive on time to see the first presentation, but one of the guests had a delay, so I decided to join one of the groups to listen and talk to. The evening turned out well. I had a good talk with one of the guests and the students. They were even surprised I managed to find the event on my own as an "outsider". We managed to share opinions on addiction, teaching (English), attention, I even overheard someone talking about Russian as a language... I feel like I did a good job today, as well as a bit of networking. I'm happy my horizons have broadened enough, so that relating to people is way easier than it was before. No Ejaculation: 10 days