Ikar

I'm using the template I used the last time. 10/2/20 - 7/3/20 "L" will stand for the (last) plan for this term. "T" will stand for done this term. "N" will stand for the plan next term. Books: L: I'm picking up "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. It's been about a year since I read "The Power of Now" and I remember I was fascinated by it, even though I hardly understood it. T: I actually didn't seriously read for about three weeks in February, I only started again when I picked up "1984". It gripped me nicely and I was even motivated to read at random times during the day. N: I got "The Red and the Black" from Stendhal and "Beyond Good and Evil" by Nietzsche. English - Personal (1) + Business (2): L1: I didn't study English, because if I studied, I studied for exams at the university. I've been keeping in shape by going to two English speaking events per week though. I write here and on my blog. L2: I was unable to set up any classes that would suit me, but I managed to at least take the shot at those interviews during the exam term, so they know about me. I sent out a lot of applications yesterday, so I plan to get some more interviews in February. T1: I've been keeping in shape by going to one or two English speaking events per week. I write here and on my blog. I want to be more consistent in writing though. T2: I'm setting up a pilot class for March/April in one community center. Just today I got an offer I took to have a course on Friday mornings. Aside from that, today I gave the go to get my business cards done, as well as the banner. I'm gonna wait with the car stickers, as my C3 is going to the paint shop to get rid of the rust. My website is still WiP - I simply need to write more. N1: I think I want to bond my personal progression together with my business progression. The idea I would study some obscure English grammar or did tests on the Internet just seems foreign to me. I'll just keep on doing what I've been doing up until now. N2: I'm gonna get my webpage up by mid-March. Word. It's already 50% done anyway. I am also going to spam more mails, even though I think everybody knows that I exist in this area at this point. Family: L: I've been talking over my parents' and brother's relationship with grandma every now and then. It's been quite helpful to help me understand my relationship behaviors as well. T: I think it's true to say that I find my family members more dear when I am more detached from them by living on the dorms. I get to see them just enough to be caught up on what are they up to. I think it works that way for most relationships, except for when people live together. N: Maintain the relationships as they are, I'm happy with them as they are! University: L: I have classes on Thursday evening and Friday morning and afternoon. I wanted to give myself a few hours a week to study/write papers outside of the lessons the last semester, but I never got around to doing it and scrambled to finish the papers, even though not as badly as the semester before that. I'll get after it this semester on Saturday mornings. T: The assignments were fairly minor so far, but there's one bigger one coming up next week. Otherwise it's fairly smooth sailing during the semester. N: Stick to doing assignments ahead of time. Being social: L: I had no lessons to teach, so my urge to go out and be social increased. I mostly see the same people every week on these events and all of them are either free or low-cost. They all complement my hobbies/things I want to get better at or maintain. It's also a good opportunity to network. I'm able to go out almost every day for a few hours, because I get enough me-time during the rest of the day. I imagine this sounds a lot like madness to people with a 9-5 job, but I am happy I put in the work on my projects whenever I want to and moneymaking currently doesn't concern me, as I have enough saved up for several months. T: It's been more of the same, as I am creating more connections and deepening current ones. I like the consistency of that. I can still be a bit sheepish at times though. I like to both talk to others and watch them. I'm vigilant. N: I'm happy with the current situation. Exercise/movement: L: I did the same pull-up, sit-up and bike routine all month. I'm gonna get into some mobility workout too, because I would like to be more flexible and less prone to injury. T: I put in some more exercises to mix up my workouts, as well as some stretching. N: I think I want to make my workouts even more diverse. Russian: I am still on track on Duolingo (177 days streak). Women/dating: L: My current thoughts on dating: If a woman interests me (unconscious decision = she looks good), I talked to her (conscious decision - determining whether she is at least remotely interested as well and not a total deadbeat), and I have the opportunity of seeing her regularly, it naturally comes to me that I want to spend more time with her to get to know her and ask her questions that I care about. Words have to be followed by actions and facts however. I said I wanted to exercise after leaving the army, but I never really got into it. It would be like saying "I love you" for the first time, but not going for any kind of touch whatsoever. It was strange. Fact-checking is boring and hard, but necessary in order to make the relationship work long-term. In a way, this diary is the best fact-check anyone could get on me, including both my actions and my thoughts, even if not 100% of them. However, I think neither emotionality nor fact-checking should lag behind each other too much. Manson's Models and Glover's NMMNG were both big help regarding this. I'd like to ease into the relationship. Let the sex be the icing on the cake, rather than the brute animistic force that forges the basis of the relationship. I might fail at remembering that in the heat of the moment, but I'd really like to have sex as the last objective checkpoint/barrier. I could write more, but I think it would be blog material with insights rather than something I'd like to to abide by. "When sex is good it's 10% of the relationship. When it's bad it's 90%." T: I'm currently talking to a few women. I get myself out there on a regular basis. I'm finding out what I like and what I do not like. It could be that I am still perhaps too rational and shy about this, but I am getting better. It's like entering the swimming pool with a descent. I feel more comfortable initiating conversations with men overall. N: Be cool with whatever the outcome is. That's how I learn. Projects/misc finished last month: business - ads, interviews, a few classes website (50%) Projects/misc upcoming this month: website (100%) money? gun license Thoughts, ideas and additional comments/gratitude:

Day 321: I went to uni, went for a stretch at the gym and went out. I knew a few people by sight from the university environment there, so even though I was initially a bit sheepish, it turned out fine and nobody ate me.

I like the discussion and I agree with both of you. I want to do my bachelor's thesis on the development of university education in the past several decades. It's interesting to see that in my country, as for data from 2011, the male vs. female uni educated population is about 7 to 10 in ages 25-29, while it was equal for people 10 years older than that. It could be the comparative risk-avoidance of females to males (uni graduates won't do poorly money-wise), it could be that the standardized education system favors feminine qualities (not stirring up ruckus and avoiding open conflict), it could be that males have more time to "grow up" (men don't have menopause)... a ton of factors to consider and there's no easy answer.

Day 320: I got after it with a lot of energy. I finished my concepts for the banner and business card and emailed them. I also did a bit of work-related writing and worked on my monthly report. I worked out, attended a short class at the university and went outside for an English speaking event. I had a super strange social interaction. On Day 313 (I wrote about it), I met this woman on an English speaking event who was fairly drunk and she told me all about how her life sucks, how she has two kids and how she's gonna be a single mother soon, that her partner is not ideal etc. I saw her yesterday as well, but I didn't talk to her, as I had other people I wanted to chat with. I came home and got a message from her on FB (she had to look me up) that she told me all about herself and that I didn't even say hi to her yesterday. I think I'll be saving my compassion for someone who is not begging for it or trying to guilt me into it.

I think it's important to have a positive mindset about this, but there's also a need to hold yourself accountable. If I say that I (want to) work out, I better do it (or start soon). The schedule I have does a good job at that. I can look into it and find out if I actually did the thing or whether I am just being delusional. That allows me to hold others to the same standard I am on, at least as far as actions go, because in the final analysis, people form their conception of me based on my actions. My situation might not be my fault, but it's my responsibility. I even perceive that as an empowering fact actually. I'm already skeptical towards people who tell me about some kind of a happy and easy future with flying unicorns that poop rainbows. I'm more eager to hear about the not-so-nice stuff (mistakes) those people have gone through and the hard work they had to put in order to get into the place they are now. Nobody is going to save me, except myself.

I'm vigilant. It's a slog, but having all these smaller interactions and tension before having the relationship are bound to ensure I am with someone I truly deserve and need to grow further. In the aftermath of my breakup, I found out my ex and I operated in one strata, whereas I now realize there's a lot more than one strata now. As far as I can tell at the moment, no girl is trying to pursue me or cling to me too tightly in a manner I would be able to detect, but it could be too early for that to happen anyway. It's about having standards I suppose. I think by saying that one dislikes themselves, they give the indication that their present sucks, but they are unsure what to do about it. I think it's just too volatile state of mind to deal with in the future. I guess the chance is that I can also run into a stalwart narcissist who would give me a resounding "yes" on this, but this question doesn't get asked right off the bat and there are a lot of questions preceding it anyway. I masturbate basically daily, but I plan my ejaculations weekly and I stick to that for quite a while now, so I do not get the physiologically adverse effects. It still makes me lie in bed and nap again though. I managed to not do it this sleep session though.

Day 318: I finished reading 1984. What a scary book. I enjoyed reading it, as it jabbed me psychologically a few times, similarly to Gulag Archipelago. I worked out, visited my grandma and had a work appointment. I went out in the evening. I found out the girl that interested me was born on the exact same day as I was. She also told me she doesn't like herself. To that I replied I am looking for a girl who likes herself. I thought about that a bit afterwards and got a bit sad, but also relieved. I wouldn't want to date a girl who can't confidently say she likes herself. I've had enough of that with my ex and I happily trampled over any and all red flags she gave me even before started the relationship. It shook me a bit as well, to think about whether I like myself or not to lay that question to others. I think I do though. Definitely about 1500% more than a year ago. I get myself to do hard things, even if I do not feel like it. I do fun things that I enjoy. I don't get depressive bouts and instead my life is filled with tranquillity and meaning. There are just about three things I want to make better: 1. getting out of bed/cutting masturbation - I can see the progress on that ever since I blocked YT on my phone, but it's hard to tell whether it's just libido, addiction or whatever else. 2. English - I want to teach, so I am working on my web, adverts, calling cards, going to interviews etc. I put a few hours a week into this. 3. relationship(s) - I think this will come as an amalgam of doing well in all other areas. Either people will appreciate me for what I am or they won't. Either I will appreciate people for what they are or I won't. It's easy. Day 319: I had a headache for the whole day. I had two beers and one shot yesterday, but I wouldn't even fathom that this would give me a headache for the whole day. I abstained from alcohol for about 2 months back in 2018 and 2019. I'm gonna do that again and see what happens. As a result of that, I had a super light workout, went to get new books from the library, baked a chicken, defrosted the fridge, watched a discussion with Peterson and slept during the day. I'm happy this day is over at least.

It's a bit of a random thought intended just for myself, but I think when people enter the relationship, they are a good match at that given moment. I guess the main idea afterwards is to keep on working on whatever that made you a good match in the first place AND to continue giving the relationship what you gave in the beginning, but even more over time. I think that's how successful romantic relationships work anyway. You mentioned that your SO was disappointed whenever she saw you gaming/drinking. How does she deal with your porn usage? Take it the way that every bit of attention you give to those hot girls on IG, it's a bit of attention your SO doesn't get from you. I just thought up a few silly ideas, but maybe they get you thinking and come up with something applicable. Every time you get the urge to watch porn (or relapse and masturbate?), let your SO know. You can also try something crazy like having sex with her every day for a week; I imagine that'd leave me completely satiated and perhaps unable to move. It could be that you need to over-indulge with her physically, so you can calibrate your sexuality better. I think it's worth giving a thought. I guess that's human nature. When you are living the "Dream", you know there is the "Dream Mk. II" somewhere out there. Good luck!

I think don't even get to meet these kinds of people, because most of my pursuits are intellectual (English, writing, reading psychology/philosophy, university). Asking primarily and directly about money-related topics from the get-go is a sign that the person asking is in survival mode, therefore unable to establish any higher aims. I think the key is to try and find people on your "level". For example, if you like to read for hours a day, it makes more sense to go into a library to meet people rather than into a pub. There's bound to be people who understand you somewhere out there! Happy to help 🙂

That's always a good idea. I actually already have routines when I go out and meet new people, trying to ask questions that I care about. Family and other people can tell you one thing, but whether you decide to adjustments afterwards is another thing. I've had great first conversations where the other person mentioned that they were a workaholic in the first 15 minutes and it made perfect sense in the context of the whole conversation and how it developed. I've also had weird first conversations where the other person mentioned that they were depressed in the first 15 minutes and it was all they could talk about. Long story short, go out there and be yourself. You'll click with some people and those interactions will bring you to a whole different place in the future. How do you define "inappropriate"?

Day 317: I'm almost at the end of "1984". It's getting really surreal towards the end. I also get a vibe my past week has was a bit surreal as well, maybe because of the book itself. I feel in some sort of a flux, but neither a good one or a bad one. I just take it as it comes. I worked out and I then went around a few places to check-up on my car. It's getting a bit rusty and scratched at places, so I'm planning to get it fixed, so it can serve for a few more years. I also got new vipers for it and I felt a surge of joy/pride after I managed to mount them. So much for not feeling fleeting emotion! I went to the philosophy lecture in the evening. I make notes, I just need to read them again and ponder about them a bit. I also watched a game of chess my neighbors played.

I guess we just have to get addicted to the right things then! 😄 I think the main difference between a habit and addiction is that you can subordinate a habit for a while for a more valuable short-term goal. I think that could be me skipping my daily workout to study for an exam the next day. I think it's impossible to do that with an addiction, because it would make me prioritize the wrong thing in the given situation.

It used to be just strictly approach anxiety for me. I managed to mitigate a lot of it though. I'm going to events that happen every week and/or at the same place or making eye contact and saying "hi" to a person I saw a few times already. It helps to know that most of the conversations I'm going to have are not really gonna go anywhere, just because we won't have enough in common. Nowadays it's conversation skills/being vulnerable. When people trust each other (1-on-1) or when they are not afraid to let everyone know (1-on-X), they can say something personal that makes them vulnerable - e.g. they are afraid of bees or they have to clean every day. I always try to notice that.

Day 315: I went to visit my parents early and help my dad with reorganizing the cellar. It was quite intensive, so I didn't work out afterwards. On my way back, I took my mom to the local book festival and I bought "Digital Minimalism" by Cal Newport, as I already encountered the book a few times on the Internet. In the evening, I went out for a beer with my neighbor. We're actually both reading "1984" independently of each other. I said that if some kind of a totalitarian regime came back, I'd have to leave my country or fight to maintain my integrity, as I already have an idea about what the world has to offer and that I cannot demote my consciousness to a previous level. We got to skirt my former addiction again. He mentioned that he thinks that addictions can only be redirected, but not completely erased, but I wanted to take that a bit further, so I said that humans are basically addicted to doing something. Anything. I believe that we all have a certain amount of energy per day to spend. Whether you think it's a curse or a blessing, that's up to you. And whether you spend that energy digging your grave or building your staircase to heaven, that's also up to you. We're addicted (or habituated, if you like the positive interpretation more) to doing something. The trick is just picking the right thing to doing the "right" something. But since the conscious part of us is still incomparably smaller to the unconscious, it's a slog, a struggle and every victory takes a ton of effort. I choose to buy into this narrative, as this one assumes free will and taking responsibility for my actions. Day 316: I planned my next week, worked out, read, took a walk and worked on my advertisement stuff. Reading "1984" makes me realize that any ideology and state system create boundaries and suck in their own way - the difference is that some do it more and some less.

I think these two types might oddly morph together actually. In a way, it doesn't matter if you are addicted consciously or unconsciously to do poor decisions that hurt you, because they still yield the same result if left alone. Gonna write more about it below. 100%. They should be literally the first person to turn to, outside yourself, in case you think something's wrong. I think the idea there is that if your spouse has a problem, then you also have a problem, even if you aren't first in line to deal with it.

I think only a few people can truly get to know me in the context that I am in now and even fewer will be able to know me in the context of my past and present, to offer good insights to how I should act in the future at any point of my life. The bottom line is, the best person I can turn to if I need help is me. I agree. It was also a good opportunity to see how I lived in the past and what I want to avoid in the future - a uni-dimensional life where one thing defines me completely. Are people seriously complaining about having children? I'm not sure if there's anything more despicable than that. Those people should wear a giant sign saying "I'm an idiot, because I can't hold myself responsible for having kids, because I hate my own decision to have them." From what I gathered, they decided to have kids to sort of "revivify" their relationship that wasn't going well. Two kids later, I guess they realized adding more children band-aids is not sustainable. Got it. Like everything, it's got it pros and cons.

Day 313: I worked out and went to the uni. In the evening, I went out to an English speaking event. I got to meet with a mother of two who told me she hates her life, because all she does is to take care of her kids all the time and that her partner doesn't care about their kids at all, so she's planning to move away. It was really all she could talk about, as her life was just reduced to care-taking activities. She also said that bad luck seems to pursue her in all her endeavors outside of that. She also told me that I have a great life. It wasn't like that all the time though. Less than a year ago, my life was a total train-wreck without me even knowing about it. But I took responsibility for myself, started to discipline myself, stopped lying to myself and started to live my life with dignity. This conversation reminded me of that. I also got asked what made me happy in life. I said it was working out and maybe reading. I didn't consciously think of it in the moment, but I think my brain rephrased it to "what makes my life meaningful". I hardly ever feel the ecstatic emotions of immense joy or sadness. In fact, what I feel the most is the feeling of tranquility. I'd even argue I feel this way too often and that I could use the element of change/instability in my life, but it's not something I want to artificially counter. Day 314: I went to the uni, worked out and read.

The idea there is that most people you will talk to will have none or little impact on your life. The amount of people you meet also matters in friend/date selection. Do you meet every day, every other day or every week? There is a lot of factors. But people generally don't tell each other to piss off; most likely both of you will feel that those conversations you are having are going nowhere, but that's natural. You can't befriend everyone in a way that would benefit both of you long-term and make you want to meet every now and then. I am having a hard time finding enough time to obsessively ruminate about some potential relationships. There's a difference between being thoughtful/prepared for the next interaction you might have with someone and daydreaming on hours on end what is the optimal plan. Balance.

Exactly. Because then it doesn't matter whether you get rejected or not; you have enough stuff to do on your own. You're not desperate trying to find a relationship that would define the most of you.

I'm some 60 pages into 1984. I think Orwell's idea was to point out the ways of how can technology be used to control and alter behavior of individuals, but in the end it was just an ideological tool. So while he was predicting a dystopian future in England, he was describing the current reality in the Soviet Union. I don't think describing a dystopian future was ever Verne's motivation. They're incomparable in that regard.

Day 311: I worked extensively on putting myself on the online platforms I wrote about. I also worked out and my mom came to visit me on the dorms for a bit. I went to one lecture in the evening and stayed up late with others in the student's lounge. Day 312: I went for an interview, worked out, did Duolingo and wrote. I'm going to read 1984 before bed.

I learnt from my philosophy/psychology courses that our psyche isn't very stable. If you have fancied her up until now because of your common values, I think you'll be okay once the fog clears.

Interesting, did something happen objectively? Or are you just worn out from talking to her?

Day 310 addendum: I had a meeting my father set up with one of his acquaintances, regarding business items I want like calling cards and car stickers. I also chose a new book for me to read from the uni library, as I didn't seriously read for about a month. I am getting "1984" from Orwell; I think it will have a sufficient pull for me. In the evening, I went to the philosophy courses and got good advice regarding using more online platforms to advertise my business.

If you feel that there is some old stuff resurfacing, write about it. I'm not writing this so I have more stuff to read, but I found out that writing helps me recognize patterns I am acting out, so I can be honest with myself and honest with others sooner than if I did not. The GQ forum is by and large very tolerant and compassionate, so you don't have to be afraid of someone trying to pillory you for something you wrote. I personally like confronting people and their ideas, asking them why they think X and not Y and if Z would be better. On the other hand, I think spending an hour writing here or spending an hour talking to someone IRL is incomparable in the possible return of investment of doing such a thing.