Ikar

Day 295: This has been one of the more disparate days. I did everything, but nothing at the same time. I scheduled my events for the next week, worked out, sent out job applications, messed around a bit in the software for making websites, skimmed through one book, wrote a bit of my monthly report and researched some nearby sites I'd like to go when on a date.

Thanks for the reply explaining your logic. I was never in a spot where I would be attracted to some personal characteristics of a woman who is dating someone else over longer periods of time. I have ways to go in figuring out how same or different I want my girlfriend to be.

This is interesting. Do you become closest friends only with these kinds of women - those who are willing to put up with controlling men in their relationships that want to make their women totally dependent on them? Do you wish some of them would eventually "break free" and could start a new and better relationship (with you)? How would you help them to deal with their newly regained, post-breakup independence? I think those are hard questions, but I guess knowing why you are inclined to befriend/date certain types of women is vital.

Day 293: I worked out and wrote. I went outside for another English event. Initially, we were talking about the upcoming Valentine's and later on the conversation took an interesting turn towards our first romantic experiences and dating today. I think it was mainly tanks to one woman in her 50s and me, because we both seem to have the prankster/joker personality. We got talking afterwards. I'm continually getting convinced that age is just a number. I also set out for a couple of beers with my neighbor and we had a relaxed evening. Day 294: We celebrated mom's and grandma's birthday today, so I spent some 6 hours in the family circle today. It was alright. I worked out in the evening and stepped it up a bit again. I'm slowly beginning to see a six-pack on my belly thanks to all the sit-ups I do. I might need a way to track the progress on my arms too though.

It cost me basically everything I thought I had before I came here, but now I realize it wasn't that much to begin with anyway. I can definitely see the cracked ego as well. I was thinking of getting back with my ex as well. But after quitting games I realized I need to hold myself to higher standards and I started thinking more clearly. I started setting up conditions under which the relationship (or any relationship in the future), as I wanted it, could function. She was over me by that point though. I realized that in order to get back together, we needed to have the same experience after the breakup, but each of us learnt something different. I agree. I think the principle of "minimum necessary force" should be applied here. If you decide to use sex, the equivalent of a nuclear warhead, as a bonding mechanism after a few weeks (or even days) into the relationship, I think it is almost guaranteed to work in making the relationship work for a while. But only because nobody wants to give up regular sex, which having sex once implies. It is hard to give up a thing that was arguably so great at the beginning, even if it's not as good anymore. A few days or weeks are unlikely to be sufficient in truly getting to know the other person. But just as we need to fact-check ourselves through diaries and schedules, we need to fact-check other people we want to be close with. It's difficult, but it works.

Basically yes. I just met her there, so I wasn't really too prepared for that. Moreover, I am also still figuring out what type of a girl I want myself. She seems older than me, she studies and she makes a living by teaching piano lessons, so she is independent and responsible which I like.

Day 292: I worked out yesterday, took the exam and went out to an English speaking event. I spoke with one girl for nearly two hours, but I felt like my ability to ask her questions I truly cared about dropped down over time, so I will need a second round. I'll seek her out next time and see what comes out of this.

I actually go out to events quite intently these days, so I try to remember at least some basic things about people I meet regularly as well. It's hard to have a good time outside if I don't know what am I aiming for (and have no plans to achieve that). It obviously varies from event to event, but I don't want to go out to just go out. I think you just have to sit tight on the front with her, unless something radical happens (i.e. any of you quits climbing). You are free to explore other options elsewhere though. Enjoy the smooth and slow sailing for now.

Intellectualism is easy to fall prey to. It sounds kind of stupid, but there are people who have made reading self-help, psychology or dating advice into an actual hobby, instead of getting after the thing they started reading the book for in the first place. The trouble is there is so much novel content they can actually keep that behavior up.

100%. It's a bit scary to practice something before you actually understand the benefits of it, but I guess that is just life. I go to practical philosophy courses every Monday and they are great.

I'll try. The only way to achieve that is to keep working on myself though, so that I am reasonably healthy myself. Like attracts like! I feel emotions towards certain people people indicating that I wouldn't like to be around as well, although it is initially just detachment/apathy. To let it turn to disdain generally means that I consciously tried for too long and too hard to make the relationship with them work. I think if one lives with the correct axioms, they are very difficult to manipulate, because these axioms take such a long time and constant practice to build up that they'll see right through most people who try to compromise them. I think it's mostly easy to spot, because I think very few people are full-on conscious manipulators/sociopaths. Most people do the shitty things they do simply because they do not know better or do not try to get better, so they do it unconsciously.

Honestly, all of these are plausible reasons. Did she say anything particular that made you upset? I would actually see it as a win. I think that if her boyfriend is really such a tool and she subconsciously knows she can do better, then she would start falling for you, unless she tells her life story to every other guy that just gets talking to her.

I took a quick skim through your posts (keywords "sex" and "boyfriend"), because I am interested in the female perspective of things. Below are some observations and a bit of my own past. Just commenting on your last three posts, I'd hazard a guess you need to work on or at least stabilize your sense of self-worth and self-confidence. You get complimented on looking good while you think otherwise. I'd think the guys just throw you this line to get you to have sex with them (not that it would be needed from what you wrote), but it's fascinating that deep down you know that sentence means nothing. It takes a bit of self-worth and self-confidence to actually deny casual sex than to accept it (because you know you can do better over the long run). I'm as sexual as they come. I broke up after 9 months of a relationship. I had my last sex almost a year ago now. Two months ago I moved to a new place, closer to all the city life, like seminars, parties etc. and I was wondering how would that affect me. Soon enough, I got a bit tipsy and at one party, I wound up with one girl, mutually touching and kissing. I felt pretty good about myself the next day, just because I haven't had this connection in a while. But the day after I realized that if I were to be truthful and responsible towards myself, I had to at least write her whether it was a mutually enjoyable fling for the evening, or whether it was the beginning of something serious. I just got blocked afterwards and hence I do not hold any respect for her anymore. Period. It's a good thing that you noticed that though. When I quit gaming, I realized I am not as introverted as I thought I was. I also started finding more men to hang out with, simply because the same sex is more solid for friendships, as there is no sexual tension for me. Hobbies are great for that.

I second @DaBest in that you should experiment. Set goals. Fail/succeed. Rinse. Repeat. One interesting thing is that orgasm/pleasurable feelings are NOT the same as ejaculation, it however requires self-control to differentiate. It is useful to know for sex as well, so you know how to get the best bang for your buck (pun totally intended). Check out this blog for more information. Personally, I think going for some indefinite No-Fap is unrealistic for a healthy male, unless you are: 1) extremely determined/disciplined - (to live in celibacy? until having sex?) I guess shame could fit in here too as inverse determination. Not meeting enough attractive women with your lifestyle could also be a strange case of determination. 2) affected by special conditions - I have a friend who is on anti-depressants whose libido is zero. I think having a schedule in this case is a good thing. I try to ejaculate weekly. The last time I ejaculated twice in three days, I was HAMMERED the next day. I also experienced cold sweat and an increase in zits the day after ejaculation. Moderation is the key.

Day 291: I studied, visited my grandma and worked out. I also read a long-form article about news (it is really long) and attended a seminar called "Personal vision".

Day 290: I studied, wrote and worked out. I also went to an event in the evening regarding self-development, but I was misinformed about the time and came late, so it was a bit strange.

I started working out on a more consistent basis on 31st December, but it grew on me and there were only 4 days I missed in January as a result. It is a great place to channel my visceral energy. I'm going to get my monthly recap done in a few days myself with all the details, as I always do. Regardless, it is still a good idea to remember for others as well!

I suppose it is like that for any entrepreneurial activity when starting out. It works in the regular corporate environment too; just gotta start from the beginning (at zero). Back my original post above, I did spend the most of January studying for university exams and I am finishing the last one on Thursday. I still managed to prepare for the interviews as well. I'd rather have the university stuff secured, as it's a longer-term project I'm invested in for some time already. It's just that I can't split in halves, even though both things are important to me.

After being tired for the whole evening, I got somewhat agitated before going to sleep. For a few minutes, I thought that it is kind of dumb that I went for several interviews and got no serious offers to actually teach some classes, as well as that everyone who has a crack in their ass and had English at high school (or a foreigner) thinks they can do it. There's so many people competing that it plays into employers' hands, because they have no troubles to just cut anyone who asks for "too much" money, even if they were better quality. I was hoping to line up my 10-15 hours of teaching before the exam term ended, but it did not happen. I realized a couple of things as a reaction on that however, since I shifted my stance towards the whole situation. Even if all the observations above are valid, I cannot play the blame game and be the victim. I have to figure out what to do next. The realization that there are a lot of different firms/people offering language teaching services means they prosper, so there is a chance I could prosper in the future as well. Even better, I already identified the weaknesses in their (functional) scheme that I can exploit: 1) I put in the time, kept working on myself and increased my quality as a teacher. Because I did that, I have already ascended above the droves of newcomers who struggle in the lurch and fight for the scraps like I used to do. I am on the right track by keeping on doing this. 2) I will always be able to offer a lower price, as I work only to satisfy my own financial needs, whereas they need to pay multiple people running the behemoth. Action plan: 1) contact any/all firms/people providing English teaching in the radius (not just the ones actively recruiting like I did on Christmas) 2) get my web up (in progress) 3) keep attending English events to keep in shape (currently 2 a week) Additional thoughts: In a way, I am actually happy that this thing bugs me, because it shows that I am genuinely invested in it and I'm willing to put in the extra mile, but it's not the entirety of my healthy lifestyle, like my employment in the army being the only thing that kept me away from sinking into just streaming and gaming for six months straight. I also have the luxury to experience the lifestyle of "mini-retirement" (I bet that's a word Ferris came up with), as I worked for a few years, "sold" my time for a good amount of money and how I have enough freedom and discipline to make good use of it. I am not chasing after "more" (e.g. flat, new car) at the moment. I am fully aware that I cannot slack, but not only from the financial perspective but also the moral one. If all goes well, I should get my bachelor degree in a bit more than a year. That sent some chills up my spine, because there will have to be some decisions to be made at that point. I think I managed to hone my consciousness to shift my unconscious to a degree. The example would be focusing on solutions to problems rather than getting emotional about problems themselves, as above. I try to notice during conversations whether or not am I trying to sneakily impress someone else. I think this need goes away the more fluent the conversation itself is. I generally try to stick with fairly mundane topics overall, as to what I do every day and every week, because that is who I am. I am not a cool place where I went 5 years ago or a famous person met.

Day 289: I studied, read and worked out today. I finished my second pass in NMMNG. I had the philosophy lectures in the evening, but I am still fairly tired and sore, so I wasn't as active and attentive as I would like. I'll push through this.

I support you in making this choice. Sacrificing personal integrity never seems to be the answer in these cases. Notice these slips, but be happy that you have a diary you write in for such a long time, so you can compare between the good and the bad periods.

I had to build friendships from the ground as well. I didn't really know anyone after me and my ex parted almost a year ago. I saw guys from high school about once a month and my university classmates once a week on lectures. Outside of my family, that was my social life IRL, because I didn't work for half a year before the breakup. I think moving away from my parents to the dorms to be closer to the city center with all the people and events available here was a big help. Men connect well through shared passions. The group I wrote above was actually a few students who have fun studying English and my friend/mentor who teaches them. Find a few things you are passionate about or at least mildly interested in and do them socially. It's a good way to create a stable social circle with other men (and perhaps to find some interesting women to date). I think sharing myself with other men actually helps me be more intimate in my future relationship with a woman, because we as men deal with similar problems and it helps to have a group where you are not judged. Myself, I am not interested in creating cross-gender friendships. I have a simple dichotomy. I'm averse in talking to women that do not attract me, simply because in that case, I might as well talk to a man and that way I get rid of any sexual tension I don't want. I'm happy to talk to a woman that attracts me, because I could date her and I want that sexual tension to be there. I can have as many guy friends as I want and there's no reason to seek out more women if I already have one that I want! No problem, I hope my tips were helpful and encouraged you. I also recommend "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Glover and "Models" by Manson, if you are interested in the dynamics between genders.

Day 288: I got home by car later than I would usually get up. I got my social schedule up for the next week, but I felt tired, so I took a nap. After that, I nailed some emails I was postponing, read up on some business stuff I needed, got Duolingo done and studied a tiny bit. I feel super beat, because my left foot is sore from bowling. During the day, I also ejaculated; 5 days for the last streak and 5 days for the one before. I'll push it to 7 days the next time. Regardless, I went to work out immediately after. I wouldn't want to miss a workout!

Day 287: I worked out, studied and I was invited to bowl with 4 guys who were all at least 15 years older than me, so I decided to go. It was interesting listening to them and sharing their experience. I felt affirmed and icluded in a lot of ways; in exploring, working on myself and pursuing my passions.

Ugh, the flaking on that woman. I think you did the correct thing though; you gave her the benefit of the doubt and she wasn't consistent, so you broke it off. I wonder what her response would be, if you asked her outright if she just wanted sex, because with her current attitude, she'd be able to miss her own wedding. It is great that you experience all these sensations while interacting with her! She definitely struck a chord in your heart from what you've written. I don't think I would have an easy time doing it either and I'd probably have to be at least tipsy. I think even if I did it, for the first few times, I'd be shocked, maybe even pleasantly that I proved something to myself, but later on I'd just hate it. I'll just keep doing my thing and the result of meeting a great woman is inevitably bound to come; it beats hiding behind dating apps.