Ikar

I say go for it without the laptop. I spent my 10 weeks in Iceland without my laptop and while I still spent a few hours on the phone, I think it was less than I would've had if I had my laptop. A habit I had while I was in Iceland was to spend about an hour just lying on the coast, thinking, meditating, reading or slumbering after the day's work. I'll try something similar today after all these months. I also sometimes feel that my days are constant streams of activities and that I don't really have a sharp divide that would allow me to enter a more relaxed part of the day.

I have a friend from high school who is studying to be an actor and he mentioned something related to what you pointed out. The performance/play needs to look believable in different contexts. There can be plays where the kiss is nervous, but there can also be plays where the kiss is passionate. The idea is the actor actually needs to embody the given emotion. I can't even begin to imagine how complex that must be to achieve on a regular basis, but I suppose it's practice in a way. I think I'll stay more grounded the next time as well. I'm really gripped by this area of life at the moment and I try to let the intellect work side by side with emotionality, trying to not go overboard with any. I'm enjoying trying to figure this out, at least in basic shapes.

Little did they know they were equating "good" with "robot" and that humans are not robots. It's still better to know that now than never at least 🙂

Day 303: Today, I went to the shop, thought about the design for my banner for English teaching and did Russian. I afterwards went to the gym and met the same girl I did last week at the same time (Day 296 - didn't write that down here). I already knew she did some graphics designing from the week before and meeting her again gave me the opportunity to ask her whether she'd be interesting in designing something for me, as I think some artwork might be required for either the banner or the website. But she told me she is not very happy about her artistic capabilities so far, so I let that thread go. I ate, took a shower and went ahead to meet with the local group for geographers, but there were only three of us. I got engaged in small talk for a bit afterwards. I then went to the library, where they hold English events every now and then and today there was a Taboo desktop event. I met with the older lady from Day 293, but she left a bit earlier, so I was left alone with the married librarian in her 30s I met for the first time and played Scrabble with on Day 268. To top it off, I went to the philosophy lectures in the evening. It helped me sort out some of the things below. ----- I noticed that I know of two cases of sharing food in the past several days, while asking the person if they want subconsciously without thinking. There could obviously be more cases of this recently (and in a non-materialistic way too), but in the past I felt that sharing was more of a duty I had to do. When I was a kid (about 12), I have a memory where I actually hated sharing a pack of Mentos with another guy. I'm also fairly eager to volunteer nowadays. I'm planning on going for the nature clean-up day with the people who run the philosophy courses, as they also all volunteer to give these lessons. I also enjoy employing the idea of continuous concept talk. I generally meet people on a weekly or semi-daily basis. That gives me some time to ponder what thing during our conversation caught my attention and I try to expand on the idea the next time I get to talk with them. That way, I got to sense that the girl I met at the gym was fairly disciplined and get her to mention she had a boyfriend, without explicitly asking that or laying similar overt questions. That way, I got to sense that the married librarian might be making a few too many sexually-themed references during the game. On Saturday, my friend told me he went to an event. The talk was about being present among other things. During the event they would receive and try to bend solid stainless spoons, without applying excessive force and using only two fingers of each hand to achieve that. My friend managed to bend two spoons out of four. I don't know if he managed to just accumulate enough heat in his fingertips to bend them. But he told me that when he started caring too much about the result or even being scared about what is happening, he would no longer be able to bend the spoon and stay present. This was EXACTLY what happened to me on Day 297. I was talking to a girl who was playing with her hair while talking to me. I read that it is supposed to be a classic flirtation signal. I noticed that and I got scared, because it was so damn novel to me. I probably saw a ton of women playing with their hair before, talking to me or not, it's just I never made that connection. I could be making all this shit up of course, but maybe I am slowly consciously figuring out the basics of human (sub)communication. I'm getting after it.

100% on the liberation part. Regarding gaming, liberation came to me when I understood I gamed because the rest of my life was haywire. Regarding people/relationships/myself, liberation came to me when I understood that we all have certain needs and that we all interact with one another to get those needs met, so we can prosper. I also self-diagnosed myself with addiction and depression, because I decided gaming interferes with too much that I want to do in life otherwise and doesn't provide good enough return.

I don't like writing this, because I could game several hours a day, but I'm afraid that's something that doesn't serve us well most of the time, because most of the life is about balance, rather than going all-in on one or two things. I think nailing just one goal for the day (i.e. something important that you do not want to do) is acceptable. Discipline should feel better over time and become a habit. I'm working out daily for the past 7 weeks and I can't imagine my day without that at this point.

Day 302: I did Duolingo, read, visited my parents, watched a shorter Peterson lecture, worked out, cleaned my room and I'm currently doing the laundry. I got my next week lined up and I'll try to get something done for the web every day. I didn't have any bigger project I was working on this week, so I'll try to make up for that.

Day 301: I spent most of my day visiting classes my friend teaches. I saw and participated in these types of lessons after two months. It was great to get back in touch with all of it. I fit in a bit of mailing and a workout in the remainder of the day.

Day 300: I went to the uni, worked out and scheduled my next week. No Ejaculation: 11 days, currently 1 day

It doesn't have a story-line and it's not giving any advice either. It's just text that is supposed to help you to connect some dots that you didn't see before.

Day 299: I did a couple of smaller things today. I backed up my diary here, got through more mails, Duolingo, washed the dishes, sent a classic mail and worked on some exercises from Manson's Models. I had a class later afternoon about regional development and it was quite interesting, so I took the business card from the presenter. I went outside to the English speaking event afterwards and I had alcohol-free beer (perhaps it works as placebo anyway?). I am experimenting with whether I need to drink alcohol at all, as while it's easier to combat whatever anxiety early, it makes me dip into the state of drowsiness sooner and harder and I do not like when I'm not as acute in my social interactions as I could be.

They will, if they keep doing nothing. Why would they pay employees that do nothing? I can imagine that after a day of 9-5, if I have the energy to have sex, I'd crash asleep instantly after it! Focus on yourself and you'll be fine 🙂

I just got into "A New Earth" of his. It's my second book from him, I like the spirituality of it and it makes me wonder a lot. I wouldn't even say it's a "book" per se.

Welcome back.

The bad news is, online dating apps really only get you rid of the approach and the venue you would normally meet at. You still need to be able to hold a normal conversation sometimes for dozens of minutes on end IRL and that is damn difficult. I'm away from dating apps for three months. I can say that the return of investment is incomparable to when I go outside.

Day 298: I visited my grandma, got a new haircut and worked out.

So far, we discussed myths from ancient Greece - Socrates and Plato, as well as Indian ones.

Day 297: I read, got through mails, did Russian, worked a bit on my web and then watched some old Peterson podcasts, which is something I haven't done in a while. I found myself somewhat restless during the day, so I found some solace going back to the basics to keep me grounded. Since yesterday, there are weekly quizzes where I met some people I met way back when at the New Year's Eve. The highlight of the night is me talking to one girl and noticing she was playing with her hair. I still need to work on my conversation skills and vigilance though.

I started experimenting with spreadsheets way back at the end of 2016 and I'm still not at the point where I would have my days fully lined up. I do that as well, although I'm not trying to increase my goals daily but every couple of days. It is a good thing to do.

Hope all is well, didn't see you here or on Duo for a bit!

Good point. I definitely got aroused by some game characters as well. It is extremely hard not to, because it goes against our (at least male) nature. I think it was in one of Manson's articles where I read that everything that can turns into a soft-core version of porn over time. If it doesn't have the physical aspect we can see to arouse us (women in series, games etc.), then it at least arouses us psychologically (e.g. news - the bulwark of negativity). It gets the eyeballs and it sells. So then, after getting our fix, we're satisfied. So after giving our attention to porn, we do not give that attention and start talking to that nice looking woman that happened to be near us for a while. Porn can't judge us. It won't call us a creep for admiring women that look good. It has a 0% rejection rate as well. In a relationship, I think that's why many women equate porn and infidelity. They want you to want them and nobody else. I went to the gym yesterday and there happened to be one nice looking girl exercising as well. We were alone. I made the point that if I am to spend the next 30-45 minutes exercising in the same room, I'd rather stop pretending that she doesn't interest me at all (while using all my willpower on it and still taking nervous glances at her), so I spoke with her in the end. I could've done the inverse, as some sort of a "test of willpower", but I feel that sort of tactical win would go against the strategic goal of me getting into a relationship. Long story short, staring is impolite (porn), talking to other human being that intrigues you (women) in order to create an interesting experience for both of you is not. If you want to express yourself sexually in 3D modelling, then do it. I think it beats watching porn by a landslide. But if you use modelling as an excuse to watch porn, then you know what to do.

It helps a lot nobody actually forces me to attend lessons from Monday to Friday. I think part of the reason why I got addicted in the first place was that I just got hammered by society/parents all the time ever since I was 6 with some 20 hours at school, up until I was 21 with some 50 hours at work. It felt like there was no choice. I think that's the case for most of the burnouts people experience. I want those few hours on Saturday mainly to get a head-start on the papers. Truth to be told, I do keep them at an arm's length. I think I wrote this before, but my ex's and my parents were very similar and it was the first relationship for both of us. They got their issues and I have mine. I just come over once a week for lunch, play Scrabble with mom, hear what's new and get out. It's just been two months and it's great. I think I have at least one more year of this ahead of me. I also noticed I tend to look at myself in the mirror at times. I never felt ashamed for my body, but neither I gained any confidence from it, but it seems that now I do. I'm Czech. I picked up Russian in April 2017, but it's never been a really serious endeavor. I didn't mention this, but I got to know a few guys closer I can meet and talk to, compared to when I was with my ex. I'm also on the NMMNG forums, so these things keep me grounded, so I do not spiral out of control again to treat myself like shit while in a relationship. The template I copied from the previous monthly post. I also have an Excel spreadsheet, where I track my activity in rough shapes during the day. The main thing is to just execute.

Day 296: I wrote, worked out, got a new book and attended the philosophy lecture in the evening. Getting after it. Every single day. Forever.

I'm using the template I used the last time. 7/1/20 - 10/2/20 "L" will stand for the (last) plan for this term. "T" will stand for done this term. "N" will stand for the plan next term. Books: L: Finish “Gulag Archipelago”. I got my hands on a printed copy of "The Game" by Neil Strauss, so I will probably get after that and then glance over "No More Mr Nice Guy" and "Models" by Mark Manson, to make sure my philosophy/psychology/dating game is up to speed. T: I finished the rest of the volume II and volume III of Gulag Archipelago. I re-read "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Dr. Glover. Personal reading clashed with university reading this month heavily. N: I'm picking up "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. It's been about a year since I read "The Power of Now" and I remember I was fascinated by it, even though I hardly understood it. English - Personal (1) + Business (2): L1: I plan to study the materials my mentor gave me a couple of days ago, as I feel I need some of the academic knowledge of English, as the next logical step in my effort to further improve my English. L2: I want to get my 10-15 hours a week, with a higher pay than before. T1: I didn't do the above, because if I studied, I studied for exams at the university. I've been keeping in shape by going to two English speaking events per week though. I write here and on my blog. T2: I was unable to set up any classes that would suit me, but I managed to at least take the shot at those interviews during the exam term, so they know about me. I sent out a lot of applications yesterday, so I plan to get some more interviews in February. N1: I'm happy with the current state of things. I remember one heavy academia-based test, but I'm doubtful this investment is better for me at this point than the one below. N2: I'm currently working on my webpage and at least a few interviews should be coming up. Family: L: Maintain the relationships as they are, I'm happy with them as they are! T: I've been talking over my parents' and brother's relationship with grandma every now and then. It's been quite helpful to help me understand my relationship behaviors as well. N: Maintain the relationships as they are, I'm happy with them as they are! University: L: Nail the exams and papers the the next couple of weeks. I have to put more time in now the exam term is here. Uni provides me with many benefits and freedom and I don't think I am there yet emotionally/mentally to appreciate it to the full extent. T: It took some work, but I passed the semester on 100% in the end. I am currently very happy and grateful I got closer to this lively environment. N: I have classes on Thursday evening and Friday morning and afternoon. I wanted to give myself a few hours a week to study/write papers outside of the lessons the last semester, but I never got around to doing it and scrambled to finish the papers, even though not as badly as the semester before that. I'll get after it this semester on Saturday mornings. Being social: L: I think I would be okay going out socially every other day, let's say for the whole evening, depending on my current work/study load, as by default I am at mine reading, writing, working out etc. It's work-in-progress to balance this. T: I had no lessons to teach, so my urge to go out and be social increased. I mostly see the same people every week on these events and all of them are either free or low-cost. They all complement my hobbies/things I want to get better at or maintain. It's also a good opportunity to network. I'm able to go out almost every day for a few hours, because I get enough me-time during the rest of the day. I imagine this sounds a lot like madness to people with a 9-5 job, but I am happy I put in the work on my projects whenever I want to and moneymaking currently doesn't concern me, as I have enough saved up for several months. N: I'm happy with the current situation. Exercise/movement: L: I think I can work out every day. It's about an hour of daily activity that never gets lost. I keep track of my workouts too. T: And so I did. The free gym on the dormitory is quite small and basic, but great for me regardless. I'm usually there alone, so I get chatting with people during the workout if anyone else comes, although the exam term just ended, so I think I'll be seeing more people. It's also a great way to express myself physically and I love observing that I am getting better. N: I did the same pull-up, sit-up and bike routine all month. I'm gonna get into some mobility workout too, because I would like to be more flexible and less prone to injury. Russian: I am still on track on Duolingo (150 days streak). I'll try to get my neighbor to converse with me and I'll help him to get into the gym. Women/dating: L: We've arranged to talk on Monday. I want to see whether we were just emotionally charged and tipsy or whether there is some rationality and compatibility. The sex has to wait. 6/1 - Got flaked on, but that's not a problem for me. I gave her a chance. My current thoughts on dating: If a woman interests me (unconscious decision = she looks good), I talked to her (conscious decision - determining whether she is at least remotely interested as well and not a total deadbeat), and I have the opportunity of seeing her regularly, it naturally comes to me that I want to spend more time with her to get to know her and ask her questions that I care about. Words have to be followed by actions and facts however. I said I wanted to exercise after leaving the army, but I never really got into it. It would be like saying "I love you" for the first time, but not going for any kind of touch whatsoever. It was strange. Fact-checking is boring and hard, but necessary in order to make the relationship work long-term. In a way, this diary is the best fact-check anyone could get on me, including both my actions and my thoughts, even if not 100% of them. However, I think neither emotionality nor fact-checking should lag behind each other too much. Manson's Models and Glover's NMMNG were both big help regarding this. I'd like to ease into the relationship. Let the sex be the icing on the cake, rather than the brute animistic force that forges the basis of the relationship. I might fail at remembering that in the heat of the moment, but I'd really like to have sex as the last objective checkpoint/barrier. I could write more, but I think it would be blog material with insights rather than something I'd like to to abide by. T: I'm currently talking to a few women. I get myself out there on a regular basis. N: Be cool with whatever the outcome is. That's how I learn. "When sex is good it's 10% of the relationship. When it's bad it's 90%." Projects/misc finished this month: exams interviews I fasted on 24th Jan. Projects/misc upcoming next month: website money? (March) gun license (March) Thoughts, ideas and additional comments/gratitude:

My ex actually sent me links to porn sites, I think to educate myself. I guess I am lucky that every time I tried to watch porn, I literally felt like it was the most unnatural thing there was. I used to watch videos with a certain sexual undertone, but I didn't watch one since I uninstalled YT on my phone a couple of months back. I understand your ex's motivation to not let you share your sexual energy with anyone/anything else though.