Ikar

Day 457: I wrote here, hopped around with my basketball, worked out, wrote a bit in my next blog article, wrote the uni exam, checked out the GIS project, took a nap and went to the shooting range in the evening. It's still rough for me on the hunting rifle, though pistol is top notch.

That's what I meant, not having any bad blood, maintaining a respectful silence. Hopefully they won't dis each other in an attempt to "win" you over, even more if you have other priorities now. 100%. Let them come when you know that you are ready enough you think you can handle the relationship. I found out that I got what I deserved and needed from my last relationship, though I didn't like the lesson I got at all at first.

I think I should ask him some questions to help me relate to him better. I think the more useful emotion I should feel towards it/him would be inspiration instead of being dumbfounded or awestruck. I know action creates motivation/inspiration as well, but there are certain things that inspire us when we see them for the first time and we say "I want that." That's a good point. I think a lot of people would agree on dreaming about/aiming for having a nice house/flat, a family that is doing well, a satisfying job etc. At the same time, a lot of people fail to do that and in many cases it's unlikely that it would be because they do not have enough money/time. I'm not sure where I got this statement from, but I jokingly mentioned a few times that no woman would plan to be a single mother and yet... For example, in the past 6 months, I have to say my conception of "having a job" to make money got absolutely crushed. Not that it's a bad thing or that it shook me emotionally, but it forces me to search for answers in other places than I did thus far and so it makes sense I am not settled in this area. That's the thing I was thinking about as well, whether it is actually productive to have far-reaching plans for the future (say, longer than two-three years) while being this young. One needs to mess around in some area a bit to get some practice before being at least half-way knowledgeable enough to put together a sensible plan of action (including quitting it completely). Just because most people say they plan to have a family and eventually get one as well, it's not automatic that you should do it until you find your own reasons and it doesn't make sense to found it on the "off-chance".

Day 454: I had an English class, I studied for the exam on Monday, met with the friend from "business idea mk 2" and went to the gun license course in the evening. Day 455: I planned the next week, studied, watched a Peterson lecture, went for a walk and read, put my advert back into the bars of my dorm window, attended my brother's birthday party and worked out in the evening. Day 456: I studied, wrote here, went for a longer walk and read and watched a longer Peterson lecture. --- I felt a lot better the last few days because I socialized a bit more after the weekend and the beginning of this week. Linked to that is the interesting idea of outsourcing sanity, meaning one has to be social to keep it together. I noticed I am watching more videos with Jocko Willink and Jordan Peterson. I met with my friend from the "business idea mk 2" and I am still sort of dumbfounded by his attitude. He's the same age, makes good money/is involved in an interesting business and his vision of what he wants to accomplish in life seems crystal clear compared to mine. I think this is actually caused by the fact I was never taught to dream (and plan) in a constructive manner, to the level where I got emotionally attached to the goal that I defined for myself and would do whatever it took to accomplish it. All I was taught was to grind and grind, which I think I perfected to some extent, even though nobody cared enough (not even myself) to point me towards the "right things" and that would produce opportunities that I would like to take in my puberty/early adolescence. I'm aware of this now, though it's a long way to go. Although I noticed I like to think about what to do/talk about with "Girl A" in a healthy matter, which means that I am able to "dream and execute" to some extent in the area of my social/relationship endeavors. It includes doing some activities, thinking about what was said, mapping her out (and not being oblivious to her differences or flaws). It'd be awesome to be this inspired in the other areas of my life as well. I'm studying for the gun license tests, though I'll need to step that up the next week to perfect it. Same goes for shooting from the hunting rifle, one actually needs to be quite precise with it over distance. The past few days have been masturbation galore. I ejaculated twice in three days after being clean for a week. I actually used this to my advantage today; I calmed myself down to study for the exam tomorrow and wasn't as distracted, though I felt a bit drained during the day. Turns out sometimes being slow and uninventive helps 😄

I'm sure most people would be delighted if they managed to have such a relationship with their Xs, because it means there is some respect between the two people. I know I would be. Having a family is not difficult compared to having a good family. I think anyone who has a bit of sense here on GQ realized that if they managed to spend X hours on games for Y years of their life and their family let them continue in that destructive behavior without much resistance, then their other family members likely had similarly severe issues to deal with. I'm currently trying to put forth some vision for my life as well, but it's foggy and difficult, because nobody even mentioned that idea to me for a long time.

I had that yesterday. I'm also reluctant to just socialize for the sake of it, so that's why I attend themed events. I find that I do not have any people around me to actively argue and disagree with in an antagonistic manner, maybe because I am not that person that would seek conflict for the sake of conflict. If it's someone I care about, then I state my opinion and let them do what they want to do anyway. Some of them are linked to it, but not all. It's a written test with about 500 ABC questions from the general knowledge of the laws, gun and ammo types etc. and then there's the actual shooting and assembly/disassembly and safe handling. I didn't notice any questions/test about psychology/character. I think the main reason is that a criminal/someone deranged would hardly ever think of getting papers for gun license/gun itself in the first place if they were going to do something illegal with it.

Day 453: I visited my practitioner regarding my shoulder (I'll be seeing a specialist in a few weeks), went to the swimming pool, did some shopping, bought a gift for my brother for his birthday, visited my grandma and had an English lesson in the evening. --- Gratitude: I had a busy day today and I talked to people a lot, so I am grateful for that.

Day 451: I watched a Forex stream, went for a walk and read, worked out, studied, wrote, practiced the gun license test a few times and visited a philosophy seminar in the evening. Day 452: I studied, watched a Forex stream, worked out, took a nap, wrote here and went to the shooting range in the evening. I still got it, as far as marksmanship is concerned.

Thank you! I hope your chemo goes well. --- I feel as if everything in the macro world around me is going great and that I am working on my priorities as I should. I'm working towards getting my gun license. Forex is somewhat bumpy at times, but I never lost money in the grand scheme of things in the past 4 months. I just need to perfect the style I am currently using. * I have just one university exam left to pass in a few days. I am the closest to a woman ("Girl A") that I've been since the relationship with my X. Though it seems that internally I am fighting something or that something is off. It could be that I saw/met/talked to "Girl A" five days in a row (in different circumstances), didn't see her for five more now and won't be able to see her for five more either. It could be that I have more time than I know what to do with, because I didn't set up many events this week. Linked to that, it could be I use socialization with others as a way to blow off some steam after getting after it for rest of the day. It could be that I have more energy after a week of not masturbating. I think it's all the factors combined together. I am doing fine and I am holding strong on things I want to avoid, such as masturbation or biting my nails/fingers. Even though a lot of things feel intense these days, I feel steadfast and I do not want to sedate myself with masturbation. I want to develop more of a vision for my life combined with goals. I am aware I have a lot of good things going on in my life and I am persistent with these to the extreme, although it's not always obvious what am I going for specifically. I never liked the idea of having goals that were once fulfilled and then done, but I might need to take them a bit more seriously to help me on the way through life. * I made a point today to be on the markets only when I am at my computer though - when I am out, I want to be out and I think that smartphones in public are even worse than cigarettes socially.

I relate and feel the same about both of these. That's quite the battery of instant gratification stimuli. It's good to have such a day from time to time to remind ourselves what we left behind, compare it to days we have now and be grateful for both of those periods.

That's nice, but I guess it'd be helpful to motivate them to take some small action, such as if all the pet owners "suddenly" asked to allow pets in the building over the next couple of days. Imagine him getting a call every day from a different person asking to have a pet in their flat 😄 Regardless, if they're being sneaky, that means your neighbors are okay with status quo which actually works against you as the sincere guy.

I think the main point here is not that you don't trust women, but that you don't trust yourself to choose one. Not all women are sexual predators looking to abuse you OR asexual (if I were to fill in the other extreme). You need to find a way to forgive yourself for the few poor choices you made in the past, so you can focus on the abundance that is offered to you now.

I hope all goes well for you 🙂 As for podcasts, I recommend Mark Manson. His articles have audio versions and I like the style he writes in.

Day 450: I did a practice test for the gun license, worked on the GIS project, hopped around with football and basketball with a friend, took a short energy nap, cooked and went for the gun license course in the evening. --- I stretched at the gym yesterday, because right now I have some issues with my left shoulder. I'm aware of the fact at least since I did physical exams in the military more than two years ago, but since then I just gamed and never worked out, so it wasn't an issue. I started working out regularly several months ago and since then I had it happen two or three times, where I'd move my shoulder too much in a certain direction, feel sharp pain instantly and then blunt pain in the shoulder for a couple of days. I suspect it's got something with the sinews/cartilages inside. I'll go see my practitioner this week and then some specialist. The GIS project is nearly done and all the data is in. Now I just need to figure out some "sauce" for the interpretation of data, though I'll leave that until after I am done with the exam next Monday, as I want to start studying for that tomorrow. I didn't masturbate this night/morning either. Gratitude: I'm grateful for feeling energetic today and getting a lot of work done. I'm grateful for having a balanced lifestyle, not depending on anything too much. I'm grateful for being patient and being able to let things take their own course at times.

Day 448: I watched "Fun to Imagine" with R. Feynman, worked out, went drumming with the band, started writing a new article for my blog and watched a Peterson lecture. Day 449: I wrote here, went for a walk and read, set up Forex analyses for next week, visited my family and did multiple small things there, went to the gym to stretch, played ping-pong and worked on the GIS project. --- The most interesting thing from "Fun to Imagine" was that CO2 gets broken down in plants/trees by solar energy to C that goes to plants and O2 that we breathe. When we burn plants/trees, the C and O2 unite again, giving the solar energy back in the form of fire. I never made that connection! I actually woke up excited today and for a few seconds thought it was Monday and I was eager to get into the Forex charts, only to realize it was Sunday. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing 😄 I already did a few tests for the gun license online to practice a little bit. I should have the exams at the end of July. I sleep/nap more due to the fact my schedule got more loose, but it's just one or two more hours daily. I think it's a good thing, as I am rediscovering the things I've long forgotten such as my blog. All my evenings are packed the next week, as well as a part of my mornings and I will have to study for my last exam, so taking a few days slow is a good idea. I held out and didn't masturbate the past two days.

I feel the same. I wasn't happy with the quarantine measures the government took (I wouldn't care less if this was 2 years ago deep in my addiction), though it struck me they waived them quite quickly compared to how drastic they were at first. I'm happy to go out and socialize again, but it felt a bit strange. I remember my first time (that I did it well, so it was like the fifth time total 😄 ). Words can't suffice. I felt one with the whole universe. If having sex is like driving a car, then masturbating is like riding a tricycle in comparison. I think there are a few rare examples (like myself) who came on here and are clean since, although I had some attempts at combating my addiction before I came on here. Some people bounce back, some don't. It's a fact of life that it takes a few times to change bad / instill good behavior. Masturbation is a good example in me personally. P. S. I noticed you confuse where/were at times, leaving a stain on your otherwise eloquent style!

Day 446: I worked on the GIS project, did Forex, worked out, visited my grandma, had an English class and went to an English event in the evening. Day 447: I had an English class, took a nap, worked on the GIS project, planned my next week, did Duolingo and visited the shooting range to get the gun license. --- Today I shot a gun after two years. It was great. I made my weekly % on Forex on Wednesday, so I decided to take a break for the rest of the week. The last week I made it by Wednesday as well, but I got greedy and lost my profit by Friday. I learnt my lesson. I find I have more time recently, so I can pick up more projects and start meditating. Most noticeably I went ham on masturbating, so I need more things to work on to weed it out again. Gratitude: I'm grateful for women. You make the world even more interesting than it already is.

I couldn't do anything other than sleep for 8 hours straight to save my life, except for sleep. Even when I worked in the warehouse, the tasks at least changed from time to time. The time I can fully immerse in something by myself is about 3 hours at maximum, then I need to relax/eat/drink or otherwise divert myself.

I'm in Forex for the past few months and I have to say one of the advantages of it is that I get to set how much I want to make and indirectly how much time do I want to spend on it. Sometimes it's ironic that I can make more the more time I am away. I'm still trying to grip the idea that it's my decision how much I want to make and how much time I want to spend on it. Compounding is a beast as well. I made my weekly % the last week on Wednesday, just to lose it by Friday. This week I made it by Wednesday as well, but I am smarter and I will stay off the charts until Monday. The second business idea I currently put on hold focuses on building a firm for passive income over the span of several years. I want to do well in Forex (and perhaps have a few apprentices I could teach myself) first before I head into this though. I sometimes think of this as well. I feel that most people could have it better if they tried at least remotely, but it seems that most of them just want to crash with their head into the same wall again and again. Then I become arrogant in my thoughts, which scares me as I know that feeling of superiority all too well from when I was gaming. Regardless of that, I think I am a positive, forgiving and stable presence to others in real life and I take out that contradiction on myself in my spare time. Even though it sounds paradoxical that I think do better in life than most (whatever I mean by that), this is the solution for me as well. I feel I let my emotions crash me from wall to wall too much lately and neither too much positive or negative emotion is good for self control. It's substituting the feeling of serene peace I used to experience more regularly before. I don't think so, because you can have several such activities and you can juggle them through different days. Besides, there are only 24 hours a day even if you don't go to work 8 hours a day.

Day 444: I mapped out my thoughts, did Forex, worked on the GIS project, did the laundry, hopped around with basketball, did groceries, visited a seminar on creative writing, hanged out with an acquaintance and attended frisbee night. Day 445: I slept in a bit, cleaned my room, did Forex, sorted out my photos, hopped around with basketball, worked out, worked on the GIS project, worked on a task in the business idea Mk 2, went for a walk, read and went for a dinner with a friend. --- The creative writing seminar was fun. I randomly created a futuristic sci-fi story intro with orbital stations, newts and Earth in disarray. I saw and talked to "Girl A" three days in a row. Gratitude: I'm grateful for the experience of older people than I am, as I will be old one day as well.

I'm with you especially on those goals I bolded out, I want to get started on them as well. All of them sound great!

It's interesting, but it works that way. I can see that visibly in every article that I wrote on my blog. I guess the biggest question then is what determines which channels of information you decide to consume, though I don't believe that it's a rational choice. I thought of a point once that quitting gaming was actually the irrational choice for me - that I was giving up something I was good at, that it was fun and that I've been doing it for a long time. Good luck with the woman!

I worked out in my room as well, but it wasn't as fun, so I am happy that the gym is open for quite a while now. That said, I didn't work out properly in three days, as yesterday I got a diarrhea after my first set, so I decided to create some stretching exercises as well, as I don't normally do them.

I get it. I was curious whether I guessed the reason right. You feel as if she lied to you about herself out of insecurity about her body, even though you didn't know at the beginning events would unfold the way they did. I'm in support of you trying to force the video earlier the next time. Nothing beats meeting/dating in person, though I understand that might be particularly risky in the US nowadays.

Day 443: I did a couple of minor things, took a nap, went for a walk, read, stretched in the gym, worked on the GIS project, wrote here and went for a walk with "Girl A".