Ikar

I'm using the template I used the last time. 4/5/20 - 5/6/20 "L" will stand for the (last) plan for this term. "T" will stand for done this term. "N" will stand for the plan next term. --- Books: L: Finish "Beyond Good and Evil" start reading "Rich Dad Poor Dad" by Kiyosaki. T: I finished "Beyond Good and Evil". It is a great book, so I will get it and read it for the second time in the future. I started reading "Rich Dad Poor Dad". N: Finish reading "Rich Dad Poor Dad" and start reading "On the Genealogy of Morality" by Nietzsche. English - Personal + Business: L: I have an interview coming up and a plan to cooperate with one of my friends in the business during the summer. I should have some classes beginning mid-May. Hard to say, given the current circumstances. T: I started teaching two classes, visited a few classes of my friend and went to the English outdoor. N: The classes should run up until June. I'll see what I can come up with my friend. Family: L: - T: I can't notice anything out of the ordinary. Meeting up with everyone once a week. N: - University: L: - T: I've been doing a good job studying so far and I nailed two exams already. Three more are coming. The exam dates lined up nicely as well, so I have an exam every week. If anything goes sideways, the exam term got extended up until the end of August, so I have plenty of time to get it done. N: Nail those exams. That includes the GIS project, though it's the last thing to do. Being social: L: - T: I could easily be on pre-virus levels on this. I had a few occasions where I could choose from multiple events at once and had to choose what serves my interests best. There's very few restrictions still in place, most of them got canceled. N: - Exercise/movement: L: Go to the dorm gym daily, since it opened up. Getting back after it. There's still enough time during the day to take the walk after too. T: I hit the gym most of the days, but I skipped here and there if my days got too busy. I started using the bench and weights more and I regularly do around 70 pull-ups during the workout among a few other exercises. N: I want to bench 50 kg the next month, I am currently on 30 kg. Getting to do pull-ups in series of 7 or 8 would be nice as well. Russian: I am still on track on Duolingo (260 days streak). Forex: L: I was able to catch a second wind in the past few days and I'm gonna try a different approach. I wanted to give this three months and right now I am half-way through these. If I won't have the results I wanted, I'll quit. No regrets. I don't desperately need this to work for me. It's like with gaming. It might work for others, but it doesn't work for me and it doesn't even need to. T: I stick with the same FX streamer/educator for over a month now and I actually made a couple of % on my real account. I've been quite aggressive employing the strategy this week, as I grew more confident. N: Keep doing what I'm doing. If I keep making these small % over a couple of months or even a year (and keep getting better), it's the way to go. Business idea: I got involved in one business idea outside of Forex. I'll see how this goes. Women/dating: L: The paragraph below is about "Girl A": The story is in fact pretty simple. I got talking to her about a month ago, she liked my blog and we went for a walk a few times. We share some of our past, hobbies, opinions etc. I became increasingly attracted to her thanks to that. We also share some general guidelines on how to behave in the future. The "issue" here is that she dates one Erasmus guy and it's something I've known since I met her. I have a lot of thoughts, speculations and hypotheses, but regardless I think the best idea for me is to detach and become comfortable with the situation I've never been in. Relax. Do everything I normally do. It is what brought my attention to her and her attention to mine after all. Experience is what counts. I'm in control and everything is fine 🙂 T: I am still writing with "Girl A" every now and then, even though we didn't manage to meet for a few weeks. I think she's apprehensive towards meeting me alone or attending events where I would be the only one she knows initially, because she has a boyfriend after all. I understand the behavior and I wouldn't want any of us to do anything stupid, as long as everybody involved is relatively happy. She invited me to a few events herself, but I wasn't able to attend as they were fairly last-minute and I had plans already. I also started writing with "Girl T" the past week. I remember meeting her back on one of the English-speaking sessions back in January/February/March and we chatted for a while, although I would assume she was not interested in me from the interaction. So when her friend requested landed the last week, I initially didn't know who she was, so I asked her that and I had to reminisce for half an hour before I figured it out. We got chatting afterwards. Life's strange. N: Does anyone really know what's going to happen next? --- Thoughts: I noticed I started writing here about my emotions and feelings more. I could be stomping the gas pedal too much recently and becoming overwhelmed, so I am taking this weekend off. Just me and my family for half of the day Saturday and just me on Sunday, even though I have more offers. I noticed I am not making any effort towards getting the gun license, simply because I have no time to think about random cool ideas and some of my habits, most particularly reading and walking and to a lesser extent gym, are getting chipped at and I'd like to consolidate them again. --- Additional projects/misc/cool stuff finished last month: none Additional projects/misc/cool stuff upcoming this month: gun license --- Thoughts, ideas and additional comments/gratitude:

Day 409: I studied, worked on Forex, cooked, worked out and went to visit a friend. He invited me to some of his English classes, then we went to the sauna and pool and played Scrabble in the evening. Day 410: I returned from my friend for a quick stop at my dorms. Then I went to visit my grandma, taught an English class and studied. --- I didn't write that explicitly, so I am putting it here. The main reason I want to limit ejaculation and masturbation is because I think it ceased to be a priority. There are more pressing matters to attend and choices to be made. If I were to connect the dots - a lot of masturbation, extreme interest in anything that touches the subject of women (books, psychology research, philosophy), historically next to none attention from women; I can see how could this start. I believe I am beyond that now however. I can validate myself, choose my friends better and overall live a meaningful life. I got through three nights without masturbating now. I feel agitated and I crave it especially when I get up in the middle of the night, but I am not going to waver at least until Monday and preferably Friday next week.

I guess there is a reason why some channels have politics banned as a topic. It is somewhat funny that people get worked up over something where the maximum amount of their influence ends by throwing a ballot in a couple of times every decade. The last paragraph stirs two thoughts. Some of the old Greek and Indian philosophers wrote something along the lines that if you want to be good at something, you need to be grown up for the job from childhood by people who recognized and worked with your talents and that no job is beneath the other. But because the belief is that there are some jobs that are beneath others, so good rulers cannot bring up good rulers and good workers cannot bring up good workers. Nowadays, in attempt to create some sort of "justice", everybody at school has the same curriculum from 5 up until X (it's around 15 here, because one must have elementary education, I don't know about other countries) before you can individuate. The other point is that there is no real support system to help you individuate and oftentimes the thing you want is not the thing you need and vice versa. I think that makes us fail anything a lot more than if some system of sorts would be in place to help us out. It'd surely explain your personal political involvement in your 20s 😄 As for the situation in the US, Manson wrote an interesting text about it.

Good luck with your war on porn. How do your masturbation habits change when you are off of it? Do you have a plan to get a healthy release otherwise?

Day 407: I planned my next week, studied, set up some apps on my phone, visited my family, worked on my business project, worked out and wrote a friend. Day 408: I checked out Forex, studied, wrote, worked with a friend on my business project, blew a tire on my bike, walked and had a philosophy seminar. --- My days are getting busier and might soon be as busy as they were before in February/March, if not more. Yesterday, I willingly and voluntarily watched a sexually tantalizing video after several months of not doing so. That's it. I'm going to war against ejaculation AND masturbation. I'm on/off with it like I used to be with gaming. The former I do about 1-3x a week and the latter whenever I go to/from bed and even during the night, so it could easily be 20x a week. I want to limit both to x1 a week. I'm going to write updates on that here every time I write a diary entry, no matter how well I am doing or how badly I am failing.

Good job. Keep following the schedule if you know it'll work for you.

I'm aware. My days are fairly semi-automated and I keep them reasonably balanced in terms of free time too. I hardly ever feel idle or overwhelmed.

Thanks! There was a fitting quote on the NMMNG forums that I remembered: "You never "have" a girlfriend. You just take turns on her with other guys during the course of life. Once your turn is over, accept it and move on." It seems that I have done that. I wrote about this occurrence because I was surprised and proud of myself. All this could be totally random with me seeing things where there are none, but I assumed the "worst" case scenario and it actually empowered and solidified me.

I think going with Option 1 will also allow you to find more like-minded people and a better environment for growth. If your work colleagues are soporific dullards that have nothing interesting to share, it might be their fault, but it's your fault if you meet them and then get angry because of them being who they are. This point is technical, but there are two types of "friends" in my book: 1) Guys/people - I don't mind hanging out with these every now and then in a group. It can be virtually anyone. They either stay here or get "promoted" after I get to know them more. 2) Friends - I can go out with these solo and know I will have a good time talking to them.

Day 405: I had two students in my English class in the morning, I checked out Forex, worked out, skimmed through the materials for the exam on Thursday, went for a walk and read, had a short Zoom meeting and played desktops in the evening after a long hiatus. Day 406: I had a battery of webinars to attend to today it made my back hurt sitting for several hours. I'm not used to that kind of a lifestyle anymore! I read, did groceries, worked out and wrote with my friends. --- Life's speeding up for me and forces me to prioritize some things/people over others. I like having options, but it's still a relatively novel concept for me as a person and not because of the past 10 weeks or so. I got a bottle of wine from the guys I teach and some promo items from their company. It felt good to be appreciated! --- I wrote this to my friend. Three weeks ago, an image of a smiling woman landed in my WhatsApp inbox from an unknown number. It stays blurred unless it is downloaded which I did not do at the time. Yesterday, I had some business on WA and I skimmed through my messages and contacts. Even though the picture was blurred and the original file unavailable, I then consciously realized the striking similarity with my X at that point. I felt dismayed after the realization and I checked the channels I used to communicate with her to see if there's something that I missed, though I found nothing. During the time, I began to realize that I'm actually not involved in this. My version from a year ago would probably be involved in this, but not me. Not anymore. I began to feel more as if I was someone who got beat, but found a way to get it right the next time. And that's what I do; I'm doing it "right" for over a year now and I'm getting after it every single day. Her, or not. No factor. If she's smiling because she is happy, then I am happy for her as well. If she's trying to twist the knife in my intestines after nearly a year of no contact, then she missed the right time. I'm miles away from the blade. If she had to hold onto it this long, her issues are enormous. I thought if I should do something to retaliate, but I just responded with a single question mark. I feel no rage. I asked my friend recently about his high school classmates and whether he meets them. He said that almost never, because they got to know him at a specific time as a specific and they still remember him that way, even though 30 years have gone by and he's completely different. I've worked hard and I'm someone else now too, even if in only a year and a few months.

My parents got them for me when 6 or 7 years ago, though by that time I attended the drumming lessons for the about same amount time. I quit drumming because I moved to another city 4 years ago and now I'm getting back into it.

Day 403: I worked on Forex, hopped around with basketball, visited my grandma, sorted out something regarding my drums, visited my grandma, did the laundry, had an English class and finished the fourth season of "Billions". Day 404: I worked on Forex, took a walk and read, wrote to friends, worked out and had a Zoom meeting.

I actually got AG at 1/3 of the price, because it's not brand new and someone had it before me, but the books are in good shape. I hope you have a good read! 🙂

Day 401: I did Forex, worked out, cooked, read an article online, washed the dishes and met separately with two friends. I also passed an exam, the next one should be in a week. Day 402: I sorted out my browser tabs, windows and bookmarks, watched/did Forex, wrote a friend, worked out and had a Zoom business meeting in the evening. I also started reading "Rich Dad Poor Dad" by Kiyosaki, something I've had on my desktop for four months, but only got to reading it now when it seems currently extremely relevant. --- I feel as though as my energy regulation was in the crapper. I get everything done as per usual though.

Day 399: I studied, visited my grandma and family, played Scrabble and worked out. Day 400: I planned my next week, worked out, studied extensively, went for walk and read. I finished "Beyond Good and Evil" and I am going to get my own copy in the future.

Day 396: I worked on Forex, worked out, visited my grandma and had an English class in the evening. There was a new student and she felt fairly excited by the class, so I'm hopeful she'll show up the next time! Day 397: I wrote my friend, worked on Forex, had a Zoom interview, worked out, cooked, studied, went for a walk, read and attended a birthday party. Day 398: I had a class in the morning, had an interview, relaxed, took a nap, checked on Forex, went for a walk and wrote my friend. --- These few days have been taxing for me emotionally: I got onto the real Forex account and up until today afternoon I didn't have success. I planned the whole of yesterday to make sure I have enough time. Even though I normally enjoy everything I did/do, I hated the fact I have to do them by an exact schedule, as if having it written down caused that. I also thought about my masturbation habit. I think I spend about an hour masturbating daily, although I do not ejaculate most of the times and I try to be smart (socially) about it when I do, so I do it once or twice a week. I used to ejaculate more about a year ago. That is closely connected to (not) having a romantic relationship. There are strong pulls in both sides of why/why not to have a relationship for me. I'm both excited I notice opportunities and get involved and at the same time I am anxious whether being in a relationship will make my vigor fade away and become lazier. I want to study during the weekend, though I planned to study the whole week for an hour or two daily, but I couldn't align my priorities correctly. All these things above made me just to have someone close who would give me a pat on the back and told me I am doing well anyway. 9/10 times I'm willing to pull my own weight and some extra. 1/10 times I wish I was easier on myself. It works well in global, just like when I drive my car. I hardly ever use brakes and I like to drive fluently, so to slow down, I mostly gear down, let the revs do their thing for a while and slow down slowly that way. But this is the case I don't like to acknowledge, but have to admit it happens time from time and I have to brake, otherwise that crazy pedestrian is on my hood. To end on a good note, I'm again getting used to talking to people I don't know much, be it socially or during the class.

I'd argue most people today are defending their current regime, because it's the one they know. Roughly 100 years ago, married women with kids didn't have to go to job to earn money and didn't have the right to vote. Most people back then thought that this was fine. Nowadays, there are different rules about that and people think these are fine. But there's no telling which one is "better". It makes me wonder why the voter turnout is around 60%, if "everybody" wanted to vote and what would happen if not voting would mean one wasn't allowed to vote for the rest of their life or even went to jail for "ridiculing the government" or something 🙂 The opposite applies as well though and it's in the book. If you want nobody to have a strong opinion of their own, the best way to achieve that is to employ the "morality of the average". Do what everybody else does. Don't do anything interesting. 1984-style. Nietzsche argued that there are many different philosophies, because there are many different people and what's right for one might be wrong for another, but the mistake that every philosophy did was to claim it's for everyone. I agree with that. There's no way to utilize the same principles everywhere in the world with the same success. I got to it through thanks to him. Chapter IV from the 1st volume and the second half of the second volume are my favorites from the book.

Got it, good luck 🙂 Things are becoming a bit tougher for me now with exams coming up and implementing some study-time into my schedule, but I don't think it's anything insurmountable. Business as usual.

I didn't read a book "for fun" in a long time. I think the last book I read that way was one of Terry Pratchett's Discworld books and that is surely over two years at this point. I like to keep reading into my "learning/intellectual stimulation" box of activities. I also read only one book at a time. I find the more demanding the book is, the more stimulating I find it on its own and the more rigorous I have to be in going to the park 😄 I agree. It's a non-book. I mentioned somewhere in my diary Eckhart Tolle writes these too. They are polar opposites though. One style is accepting, soothing and the other one is argumentative and aggressive. I actually prefer the latter during the most of my time. I love it. It could be because I am reading something like this for the first time or it could be because it's not catering to this day and age. At one point, I thought about how it's possible this masterstroke is not banned 😄 I pause often while reading it and that's why I read "only" some 14 pages in some 50 minutes and ponder for more 20 while walking back to the dorm. I figured as much, although one can't be amazed by everything all the time anyway. I have my quarrels with the education system as it is though, because what it mostly does is to just flood students with (currently valid) random facts. The only difference between that and clicking "Random article" on Wikipedia is that it keeps students in a controlled environment, for better or for worse, depending on the person and circumstances. I'd puke myself blue if I had to endure that again. My plan is to buy all the books I read till the end, then to read them for the second time and take notes. I already got Gulag Archipelago in my library, as a gift for myself for the 1-year game-free anniversary!

I thought about this today. People like other people who are similar/familiar to them, because that allows us to relate. Nobody is looking for the "best" person in absolute terms. It's about the duality of warm/cold compassion. There is a stronger pull towards familiar people to support them emotionally and accept them as they are, BUT also a stronger pull to ensure they stay on the path that is desirable. I mostly relate to myself in cold compassion. If I feel I didn't do very well during the day, I think something in the lines of: "Fine, you had a bad day today, but I want you to perform tomorrow." and it works for me. I think overall my environment is trying to sway me to be more warm though, for better or for worse. This is why I drive with the radio off, because I get them as well. I get them when I go for a walk too.

I always remind myself of the past days back when I was whenever I feel I didn't perform that day. I think that push when I realize the difference is still there. I think the solution to that could simply be to not talk to the same people every day. They're not your roommates nor your SO. If you think they are not receptive enough to your advice (which is actually the correct default), accept it for the time being and check back with them later if you want to. My good friends are also in part my good friends because I do not talk to them every day 😄 I do not like "wasting" time either, but if I watch 3 hours of series on a day I have only for myself while I combine it with eating and relaxation, I think it's good enough. It's indeed interesting, because there's no sure way to tell how my gut will feel at the end of the day, regardless of how much/how little I actually did.

It's just not an easy book to get into, so I prefer to go out to avoid any distractions. I generally take 20 minutes to walk into the park to read it there. I don't read books before sleep, because I hardly ever read something that would be considered resting/relaxing/soothing and I like to be high-focus when reading.

Day 395: I wrote here, did Duolingo, read an article on the Internet, sorted through mails, hopped around with basketball, cooked, did a bit of Forex, went for a walk, read and worked on my GIS project, as I got it back to make some adjustments. --- Even though I am reading "Beyond Good and Evil" for almost a month and I have to get out of my room to read it, I'm astonished every time I get to it. I don't understand all of the book, but it speaks volumes to some parts of me (and I believe every human) that have been downplayed and/or considered vile in today's age. I don't want to be considered good or bad; I rather want to be whole.

Do you have contingency plans to get through this? If you no longer need/want to quarantine in 1 month? In 3 months? In 1 year? I was thinking about making some as well, but my habits and things I wanted to do were mostly already set before all this began and I started doing a few other things, such as Forex, writing or getting uni work done in advance to replace social gatherings. It might help you internalize that it's not going to be like this forever. I think a month and a half ago, when the restrictions were at their peak around here, I met with my friend and coined going to a demonstration if the government pushed them further. My rationale was that even if I got locked up, I'd have the same amount of freedom and that I want to actually live rather than survive. They've been loosening them up ever since (nowadays restaurants can serve in their outdoor premises), so that contingency remains unexplored as of yet. In a way, this is a prime time to get to know oneself and others. There are as many opinions about this situation as there are people and nobody really knows what to do. I think I feel with Books on this one. I'm also somewhat obsessive about finding out how much/how little people do in their lives and what do they do in general. It could be that I hold myself to high standards, that my ego that commands me to be better than everyone else or that I give my full trust to a select few. I acknowledge that all of these are my issues though and that it doesn't make sense to blame anyone else for my inability to accept reality as it is. @Alexanderle I'm looking forward to that blog of yours 😄

Day 392: I slept over at my friend's and we headed out to the English outdoor event. I knew all the people there and we chatted and ate. Day 393: My friend, one colleague and I went to the bobsled and it was great. We could control how fast would it go, so it felt like riding a car at great speeds! We met with a couple of his friends afterwards too, so I got to know some new people as well. I got home in the evening and managed to hit the gym. Day 394: I planned my week, spend some time on Forex, visited my parents, started fixing up my drums, scanned through some old books and exercise books and went to a philosophy course. --- I felt a bit guilty after the English outdoor event, because it didn't turn out to be as English as I expected and it was more casual. My friend, who was basically the leader-teacher of the event, told me not to worry about it and that I did what I could do. He told me he also expected others to be more proactive than they were, but ultimately you can't shove something down someone's throat and call that a voluntary decision. It was still good to have such an experience anyway, because if I once get to lead organize such events myself, I have to remember and know they are not just about me and not get worked up about that. I connected a few dots in my mind today at the philosophy course. I realized the way to go about one's life is to create an excess of good habits, treating one well etc., much like if we were building a relationship with someone else. The nature of such behavior is not therefore transactional. I'm going live with Forex tomorrow. I have my goals set up. I believe I am disciplined enough to make it work. I can do this.