Ikar

Could it be that once the girls you socialized with left, then there was no other way to channel your sexual energy? I sometimes notice that being the case with myself after socializing with girls. It's good to hear you are having fun though 🙂

Day 474: I went to the doctor to check on my shoulders and I am going to MRI in 3 weeks. I also visited my parents, then I visited my grandma and had an English class in the evening. Day 475: I had an English class in the morning, then I worked to get some rust off of my car, worked out, planned my next week and wrote some more rules for myself for Forex. I visited an English speaking event in the afternoon and drummed in the evening. Day 476-477: I spend the weekend at the event regarding "business idea mk 2". I networked, played badminton and attended a bunch of inspirational classes. --- No Ejaculation: Made it to 12 days (more difficult with non-ejaculatory masturbation though). Gratitude: I am grateful for being independent.

I think there's some truth to the notion that the first love is in the one you believe you won't ever part the most. When I was with my X, I never realized I had problems I had to work on, let alone that she did. Nowadays I see the issues/shortcomings (serious or trivial) of "Girl A" with my rational mind, but I believe in her ability to overcome those with my feeling mind, as I do with mine, even though I seldom articulate that consciously. I take them as fated as well, because the probability of events happening in that exact event chain approximates 0%. Even if there is something you can consciously influence, it doesn't seem to matter in the grand scheme of things. You could make the case that what prevented you and V to get together was your lack of responsibility, addiction, anxiety, whatever - but you can also make the opposite case that you kept bumping into each other thanks to bad influences in your lives and that you'll slowly drift apart now. It's really just on you which you believe.

Day 472: I worked on "business idea mk 2", wrote here, watched a Forex stream and then I was social pretty much the whole day. I met up with "Girl A" and a few of her friends in the afternoon and then I met up with my guy friends from the dorm in the evening to play board-games. Day 473: I marked down my expenses for the month, watched a Forex stream, worked out, wrote here, went for a walk and read and now I'm just chilling. --- I took "Girl A" aside for a short talk. We talked about how she failed to meet me on Monday and that she let me know sort of late to cancel. I also told her that she jeopardized her plan to study for the exam in a stupid way. She expressed feelings of guilt and shame - that she's sorry to have participated in the chain of events that would eventually make us unable to meet - but also independence and self-confidence - that it's not up to me to tell her how to use her time and hence what to value. The talk was overall just several minutes long, but what struck me was that she took it in an assertive manner. I think I only prepared to get either a completely apologetic answer or a completely dismissive one. I like how we got over this hurdle. Gratitude: I'm grateful for having a relaxed birthday today 🙂

I've actually just watched the first episode. I think it'll be interesting. I'm already taking guesses what will be in the upcoming ones 🙂 That's why I wrote "seeming lack of options with women"; I think I'd like to be closer to women in general than I am, perhaps even because I am borderline dating one again. Part of the reason why I was so devastated after my X broke up with me was that she had no competition in the domain of my sociability, let alone sexuality. It's good to know that I know a lot more people now 😄 I feel that my life has reached a certain point of integration, where I think I can integrate a woman into it again. Even if I made the case and found evidence that I shouldn't, I want it. If it works, awesome. If it fails, I will learn. I'll write more about yesterday below, but here's what I observed so far from my experience: Whether you open up to and whether you depend (both to an extent) to some girl seems quite unconscious and you need "chemistry" or "spark" or whatever you want to call it. What you can control more is how much time you spend with the girl, but it'd be foolish to discontinue or limit meeting each other if you both want to spend time together. There's something to being with a girl who has what I'd call "unbridled femininity" - the lightheartedness, innocence and openness have to touch the soul of every man.

Cool poem, it's easy to understand what are you trying to say too 🙂 I think most of the anxiety just goes away when you realize things "happen" to you less and you make things "happen" more. It's good to know you have agency over the most of your life.

Day 471: I did a bit of Forex (went quite well today), went for a walk and read, worked out, worked on my monthly report, went to get the groceries, went for another walk, checked out the series recommended to me by @gargamel and wrote here. --- If you ever noticed someone that you cared about has failed to do the right thing, then you know how I feel today. I had plans to make a really obvious move today towards dating "Girl A", if we had met. However, upon getting up at 6, I got to know she's not coming at 9. She suggested meeting during the weekend, but I knew I already had this weekend booked. What made me peeved was that she didn't wait for my response to at least confirm or deny. Until 9 I ate, washed the dishes, checked Forex a bit and meditated to calm my mind and thought about how to approach this. At 9, I waited for a bit (just in case) and then I got up to go for a walk just by myself instead of with her. I felt oddly cathartic during my wait and while walking and reading. I felt as if I tried my best and that there was nothing else to be done except for continuing with my day. The reason she postponed was having an exam on Tuesday, but instead she did some random shit during the weekend and had to spend all the time today studying for the exam. Later on, I decided to look just past myself as well, as if I wasn't a factor in this. If she fails the exam because she failed to study during the weekend, it's on her. But because I was involved, I think a part of me actually wants her to fail it. I also notice the flagellant-like feeling in me. I am discovering something through scorching a part of myself and building something that can perhaps work better in the future. Checking on how other people act instead of talk might be annoying and painful, but vital. Another thing that makes dissatisfied with this is my seeming lack of options with women, coupled with the "do it once and do it right" mentality I got from my parents regarding a lot of the things. Gratitude: Regardless, I am grateful. even if this is the pinnacle of my relationship with her and grateful for having the day to focus on myself and do some introspection.

Day 468: I worked on "business idea mk 2", had an English class and went to another city for an (ex)-military get together. Day 469: I got home in the morning, so I slept until early afternoon. I planned my next week, went for a walk and read and worked a bit on "business idea mk 2". Day 470: I watched a video recommended by me to a friend about finance investing, did some minor things, visited my family and drummed in the evening.

I was thinking about in which way I'd potentially share my diary with others, but I can't imagine anyone being interested other than a girlfriend or someone who hates me to death. I guess the main issue is that you are trying to become well-known by the definition of your profession and you don't need your fans/customers to know everything you write here. One thing to consider is that all the information in the diary goes through "relevance decay", so if you wrote something a year ago, chances are big that it changed during the time or that information is publicly widespread anyway. So there might be some use in "declassifying" parts of the diary as time goes by, so your SO can at least understand about why you did X at time Y, even if she disagrees with your actions. I don't argue people couldn't find out your true identity through your posts via some tools, but I can't imagine anyone here who would be willing to take you down this hard. Even if there was someone like that, the diary would just be one of the many things they'd use. Regardless, I think the biggest issue is her insecurity rather than what you do or don't write here. This diary is primarily about you, not about her and she needs to respect that.

Day 466: I worked on "business idea mk 2", watched a Forex stream, worked out, went to the police to get the paperwork started on my gun license and attended a board games English evening. Day 467: I worked on "business idea mk 2", watched a Forex stream, hopped around with basketball, visited my grandma, had an English class and got invited to a local musical concert by "Girl A" to hang out with her and a few of her friends.

Like attracts like. If you live a chaotic life with no rules, you will click with other people who live a chaotic life with no rules. I think females are more likely to start "making moves" the older they get too, so it could be that from my tall ripe age of 22 I haven't had a chance to see a lot of that yet. But myself, I started seeing people in a new way after I quit gaming and I literally only started seeing people just several months ago, so it could be that I wasn't skilled enough/didn't have enough opportunities to notice that. Although there have been a few cases, except the fact with all those girls I don't want to have more in common than a contact on Messenger 😄

I think every masquerade is bound to manifest itself eventually. I think I actually grew closer (respect/reliability) to my family and appreciate them more now that I am away from them and see them just once a week. I think the "normal" route is that you move from your parents eventually anyhow. It just depends on what do you want from each relationship. Good luck! I think it's one of the harder routes you could've taken in your current situation, so let's see how good of a handle do you have on the beast. You seem to have a healthy social life and women that'd potentially desire you, so I think it'll be a testament to your discipline and will if you pull it off. I think it has something to do with how one lives their life. I think the CV situation caused a lot of extremes - it was easier to "purify"(I started getting up at 6), but also to "taint" oneself (say a potential gaming addict became a full-fledged one).

Day 465: I had the gun license exam in the morning and I succeeded! After that, I went for a walk with "Girl A", worked on "business idea mk 2", wrote to my friends, worked out and went for a dinner with another friend. Great day overall. --- Gratitude: I'm grateful for being self-confident and steadfast in trying times.

Day 464: I sorted out the rest of the old documents I had accrued over years, watched a bit of Peterson, hopped around with basketball, washed the dishes, read, meditated, watched a Ted talk about chimps and went to the shooting range in the evening. --- I started reading a new book called "The Red Queen: Sex and the Evolution of Human Nature" by Matt Ridley. I also just sit (meditated?) for about 15 minutes by myself in a long while. I was strong enough to do nothing and just stare at a doorknob, sometimes entertaining the odd thought here and there. I seem to operate well when I set myself to check the Forex markets every hour (or two or three, depending on the circumstances and activity). Gratitude: I'm grateful for my laser focus today and creativity.

I'm not sure if it's "threat" or "treat", because each of those make the sentence radically different and I don't know to which one to respond 😮 I'll check it out, thanks for the tip! For myself, I find it's the easiest to avoid masturbation about 3-4 days since the last one, but I get really animated on day 6-7. I think then it drops off again, but I seldom got past a week. I also find that masturbating twice in rapid succession (anywhere between the next 15 minutes and 48 hours) makes me feel extremely sedated. I'm almost worried about having sex once or twice a week in the future relationship, if it makes me this tame 😄

Day 463: I slept in after going to bed late yesterday, but I tackled a lot of the small things today. I worked out, read, went for a walk, cooked, spent some time on Forex, did some paperwork, sorted out some old documents I have and did the laundry. --- I found out that masturbation is easier to avoid if I don't start doing "dry" masturbation. It sounds obvious, but it works. Gratitude: I'm grateful for planning. I like seeing I have things going on in my life.

Damn, I was supposed to go on a birthday party yesterday, but it got cancelled the day before. I had another social opportunity coming up though, so I took that instead. I don't take it kindly when someone cancels on me either. It's manageable if it's at least the day before, so I can make some other plans, but if it's a couple of hours before or even minutes before... I mention it the next time we meet, generally as the first thing (mainly because I think it has the highest chance to get through to the person). Not because I am never late or to smack them with it for the sake of it, but because I want that friendship to have some standards. I'm probably rougher with this on people the more I care about them. It's great that we notice these things and are able to detach and assess the situation. Plus you get a good read on people V associates with and ponder about why that is. You know your sheer existence is the reason for competition and jealousy between at least two women 😄

Day 460: I worked on "business idea mk2", did the laundry, watched a Forex stream, hopped around with basketball, drove my father from the car service, visited my grandma, had an English class and attended an English speaking event in the evening. Day 461: I slept in quite a bit, because my English class in the morning got cancelled. I worked on "business idea mk2", planned my next week, worked out, read and went to the shooting range in the evening. Day 462: I got up and immediately got struck by a headache. I went drumming with my band, slept during the day and visited my family. Luckily, my headache subsided in the evening, so I met up with two friends from high school in the evening. --- These were a couple of slow days with a lot of sleep/napping. I might have a tendency to become a bit lazier when I reach my weekly % in Forex. I'll pick up on some of the things I've been slacking on today. I'm still studying for the gun license test on Tuesday, I think I got absorbed by that nicely. Gratitude: I'm grateful for becoming a more positive person than I was before which allowed for more like-minded people to enter my life.

Day 459: I watched a Forex stream, had a call with my friend regarding "business idea mk2", worked out, went for a walk and read, caught up on some emails and went to the shooting range in the evening. I also finished reading Nietzsche's "Genealogy of Morals". --- I managed to do well on the hunting rifle today, though I still want to practice it more. Gratitude: I'm grateful for having financial options in my life. It's not all about money, but it does a lot regardless.

Day 458: I finished the GIS project, watched a Forex stream, went for a walk with "Girl A", worked out, wrote to friends and did multiple minor things. --- I got the exam results from the test yesterday and was a bit confused to find out I didn't pass it, because I studied for it and the questions were familiar. I'll have to retake it at some point and consult the professor. Gratitude: I'm grateful for being cool-headed and stable most of the times.

Yeah, the main thing is to have the rifle stabilized, otherwise there's no point in using it over a pistol, because your hands will shake regardless. We get some kind of a wooden stick to use as support for the rifle, so I just need to figure out how to use it and align the sights with the target properly.

Day 457: I wrote here, hopped around with my basketball, worked out, wrote a bit in my next blog article, wrote the uni exam, checked out the GIS project, took a nap and went to the shooting range in the evening. It's still rough for me on the hunting rifle, though pistol is top notch.

That's what I meant, not having any bad blood, maintaining a respectful silence. Hopefully they won't dis each other in an attempt to "win" you over, even more if you have other priorities now. 100%. Let them come when you know that you are ready enough you think you can handle the relationship. I found out that I got what I deserved and needed from my last relationship, though I didn't like the lesson I got at all at first.

I think I should ask him some questions to help me relate to him better. I think the more useful emotion I should feel towards it/him would be inspiration instead of being dumbfounded or awestruck. I know action creates motivation/inspiration as well, but there are certain things that inspire us when we see them for the first time and we say "I want that." That's a good point. I think a lot of people would agree on dreaming about/aiming for having a nice house/flat, a family that is doing well, a satisfying job etc. At the same time, a lot of people fail to do that and in many cases it's unlikely that it would be because they do not have enough money/time. I'm not sure where I got this statement from, but I jokingly mentioned a few times that no woman would plan to be a single mother and yet... For example, in the past 6 months, I have to say my conception of "having a job" to make money got absolutely crushed. Not that it's a bad thing or that it shook me emotionally, but it forces me to search for answers in other places than I did thus far and so it makes sense I am not settled in this area. That's the thing I was thinking about as well, whether it is actually productive to have far-reaching plans for the future (say, longer than two-three years) while being this young. One needs to mess around in some area a bit to get some practice before being at least half-way knowledgeable enough to put together a sensible plan of action (including quitting it completely). Just because most people say they plan to have a family and eventually get one as well, it's not automatic that you should do it until you find your own reasons and it doesn't make sense to found it on the "off-chance".

Day 454: I had an English class, I studied for the exam on Monday, met with the friend from "business idea mk 2" and went to the gun license course in the evening. Day 455: I planned the next week, studied, watched a Peterson lecture, went for a walk and read, put my advert back into the bars of my dorm window, attended my brother's birthday party and worked out in the evening. Day 456: I studied, wrote here, went for a longer walk and read and watched a longer Peterson lecture. --- I felt a lot better the last few days because I socialized a bit more after the weekend and the beginning of this week. Linked to that is the interesting idea of outsourcing sanity, meaning one has to be social to keep it together. I noticed I am watching more videos with Jocko Willink and Jordan Peterson. I met with my friend from the "business idea mk 2" and I am still sort of dumbfounded by his attitude. He's the same age, makes good money/is involved in an interesting business and his vision of what he wants to accomplish in life seems crystal clear compared to mine. I think this is actually caused by the fact I was never taught to dream (and plan) in a constructive manner, to the level where I got emotionally attached to the goal that I defined for myself and would do whatever it took to accomplish it. All I was taught was to grind and grind, which I think I perfected to some extent, even though nobody cared enough (not even myself) to point me towards the "right things" and that would produce opportunities that I would like to take in my puberty/early adolescence. I'm aware of this now, though it's a long way to go. Although I noticed I like to think about what to do/talk about with "Girl A" in a healthy matter, which means that I am able to "dream and execute" to some extent in the area of my social/relationship endeavors. It includes doing some activities, thinking about what was said, mapping her out (and not being oblivious to her differences or flaws). It'd be awesome to be this inspired in the other areas of my life as well. I'm studying for the gun license tests, though I'll need to step that up the next week to perfect it. Same goes for shooting from the hunting rifle, one actually needs to be quite precise with it over distance. The past few days have been masturbation galore. I ejaculated twice in three days after being clean for a week. I actually used this to my advantage today; I calmed myself down to study for the exam tomorrow and wasn't as distracted, though I felt a bit drained during the day. Turns out sometimes being slow and uninventive helps 😄