Ikar

I was thinking the same thing. Ironically, I think me being addicted to gaming saved them a lot of arguments. An interesting thing that happened after I quit gaming/broke up with X is that I momentarily grew closer to my parents, but I knew that I needed my own space. So after I quit, I spent 4 months at home, 2,5 in Iceland, 3 at home and then I moved to the dorm. I think I'd be popular as well if I stayed at the elementary for longer, but I used the option to go 8-year high school instead of the 4-year. I remember I was the first kid to bring Pokémon cards to school and literally everyone started playing it, trading cards and whatnot. I was also a bully on ES which backfired on me hard after I migrated to HS, because the collective was radically different. It took me another 6 years to get myself straight enough to at least get invited to a party; otherwise I was just gaming and hating everyone and everything. I guess now I could make the case that my biggest/most used social group is university students (particularly around the dorm), but the odd thing is that if I wanted to, I wouldn't need to talk anyone for weeks. It's because my classes are only once a and my real classmates are people who are already working full-time from all over the region, hence I see them just for the classes. It is possible that I am not seeing a lot of the things, because I am in the position of being a weird crossover with multiple social groups. I also study economic geography - another crossover between natural and human sciences 😄 I'm actually aware I was even more like that in the past in the bold part, mostly on HS. Now I realize that if I have the best shot at helping anyone, then it's me. I shall lead by example to the best of my ability; if someone decides to join me - great. I actually had that thought of making people do things I want with little/no internal resistance inside them (regarding leading by example). Quite a scary one, especially if someone does it consciously on a regular basis. I guess the main point is whether it's justifiable and I'd guess it's not under most circumstances. If you really want to, there are so many ways to get the "kick" in a more natural way... I think it's just stupid being drunk in the first place 😄 It's a scary thought, but everything we do matters. We can only defy reality for so long, until it comes crashing in (hello there, gaming).

Day 496: I had an English class in the morning, fixed my phone (so the clock finally works), had two interviews for English lecturer, did some shopping, bought batteries for my bike's lights and a webcam and met with a friend I don't get to see often. Day 497: I left my friend's in the morning, visited my parents for family lunch and drummed with the band in the evening. Day 498: I did the laundry, wrote here, worked out, cooked, worked on a small uni project and read in the evening. --- I think the interviews went well. I had a good chat in both of them and I felt pretty confident. I'm gonna have more classes soon. I worked on the uni project today for about three hours and now I am facing quite a headache. I am aware this week is not as asocial as I planned it to be. Especially today, being alone and working on the uni project while facing a headache made me crave some escape.

Historically at high school, I asked out a few girls on the odd attempt, though I was never successful. I told my grandma this week that it bugs me how unprepared our parents set us (my brother and me) out to the world of teenage/adolescent dating, because it was taboo to talk about these things at home and how we're catching up on that just now. That said, I like how am I less and less attached to the outcome with each attempt in this regard, that I know and feel another opportunity is right around the corner and that everybody has their flaws. I don't think I've ever been in a social group where casual sex would be held in high regard. I think my selection (or lack) of social groups naturally filtered these groups out. I'm extremely combative (and on the other hand extremely supportive) when somebody close isn't/is combating their inner demons, especially addictions. It's as if I had my big addiction bundle of gaming, can't fit any more (masturbation is going pretty well in my eyes so far) and lead some sort of a holy war against them, even though I am not saint either. I noticed "Girl A" likes to drink; I think it's on par with the drinking of any other "average" uni student. I asked her if she's using it as an escape and she confirmed that. The issue here is that people get defensive even if they themselves point out that the reason they do something is stupid and there could be more constructive ways of dealing with the problem. Moreover, if it's something connected to basic biological needs (eating, sex etc.), then there's hardly any clear cut solution to the problem. A few days ago, I saw Peterson answering a similar question and he said that the best way to do this is to be there until they decide to make the change themselves. I like the idea of just getting over the topic as a whole with a simple gesture, such as a raised eyebrow with a glare or something else. Yet I also think that takes some negotiation, experience and perhaps clashing heads, so you know why exactly the other person thinks what they think and does what they do, before you are able to get over the topic in this elegant manner. I wonder if not having sex is like not having cigarettes for me - at first, I just played by the rules without understanding them, but eventually I matured into the decision that smoking is not worth it regardless. I can have ONSs if I really focused on them, but it just seems there are better things to do. Besides, I don't want to risk possible pregnancy either; I know myself to the extent that I know I would try to "make it right" and help to raise the child properly. I agree one can always find "it" (kissing, sex) in any relationship, but all the nuances, surprises, quirks... I think that thought process is flawed, because it assumes that one stays the same throughout all those relationships to somehow objectively evaluate all the differences. Every relationship is different and therefore unique and we enter each relationship different and therefore unique. I like it. The mixture of respect/hatred and later on respect/love definitely rings the bell in my case. It could even be that any relationship that I really value has a bit of that contentious/antagonistic element in it. I think the proposed/enforced societal opinion on child-rearing in the West is incorrect, because it all focuses on the warmer and compassionate mother and gives little attention to the colder and just father. To expand on that idea in the higher order, I'd make the connection between the mother who always tells us it's fine regardless whether one succeeds or not, and the idea that the society tells us that it's equally valuable whether you have sex in a functioning relationship, go to have an ONS every week or masturbate three times a day. It's just... no. *bellow/below 🙂 It's not a misspelling, but the use of "on the other hand" in the fourth text I quoted (at least to me) suggests a contrarian point, whereas I do not see one in there.) P.S. I will respond to your other post later 🙂

I get up at the same time every day - 0550, although this week my clock went on strike and on average I got up an hour later, but hopefully I have fixed it now. I do not have a real "job", so there is no need for me to "compensate" sleep during the weekend, because I stayed up late on workdays.

Day 495: I prepared for a job interview, ordered new drumsticks and crash cymbal, watched a Forex stream, wrote here, had a job interview, visited my grandma and held an English class in the evening.

Day 494: My mom happened to be in the area where I currently live and she invited me to a breakfast in a Belgian café. I had a baguette filled with scrambled eggs and arugula, as well as a turmeric tea, so that was cool. I spent almost the whole afternoon writing here and sorting out my thoughts. I went drumming with the band in the evening. --- I'm going to be "minimally social" for a week, except for the promises I already gave, job interviews and work involvement. The reason for that is that I feel I am currently tilted towards seeking differences in people rather than commonalities. I think it's because I want to figure out what exactly drove me towards "Girl A", why her response was "no", let it sink in and incorporate the lesson to make a better "decision" (as if seeing romantic potential in someone would be a decision, haha) in the future. I also think I am using "being social" as a distraction from the work (be it working out, reading, writing, working on the business etc.) I ought be doing instead. I wonder if this will be a phase or whether I will keep this up longer term and change some of my social circles. A year ago, I was happy to have at least a few; university, my family and the odd meetup. Right now, I am firmly in the territory where I have to decide whether "social circle A" is better than "social circle B" or whether I want to spend that time alone. Easy decisions, hard life. Hard decisions, easy life.

I didn't mean "partners" specifically, something more along the lines of "romantic involvement". I agree with the idea that you can enjoy spending your time with someone without having sex with them and that you can't really "think" yourself into liking someone or something. Also, just about anyone my age who talks about their ONS/hookup describes them as if they were cigarettes. "Don't start smoking like I did, it's a stupid habit. Good for you you never had one!" -> "I figured there's no point and there's no reason to look for anything less than a real relationship." I'll gladly combat my masturbation urges on my own, rather than pulling someone else equally clueless into the fray. It's just a dick move to create another possible dependency. I think it might work both ways, since every other (sexual?) partner makes you less grateful than you were for the one before and less willing to fight for the relationship, if it was to end. I was bitter and cynical for a long time, but I realized it doesn't really solve anything. I think the idea that somehow snuck into my mind was that there are better things to live for than gaming. Initially, that was the (restoration of) relationship with my X (as I couldn't perceive anything else that would be tangible and better at the same time), but over time I figured there are more things than that and that I might as well be doing just fine single. I started learning on my own just recently too. I actually started perceiving him in a better light since I quit gaming and started understanding he rather acts than talks. He did a lot to secure the family financially and to pursue his passions in career, but he wasn't around for the second part of the job in the family.

Day 492: I set up Google Calendar instead of Excel, hopped around with basketball, cleaned my room extensively, read, studied, cycled and went out in the evening. Day 493: I did the groceries, watched a Forex stream, worked out, worked on the business with my friend and went to a philosophy seminar in the evening about Stoicism. --- I feel the relationship between me and "Girl A" got colder, which I might not like at the moment, but I think it's a necessary phase my relationship with her needs to go through. It sounds odd, but part of the reason I asked her out was that I needed to know how much should I give that relationship. I learnt that openness and spontaneity might not necessarily mean romantic interest, at least not in her case. I also know that a rejection like that is about a difference in values; not because I said one or two wrong things. It also made me realize I like the "long game" when it comes to dating. I enjoy making small advances, getting to know each other, even discovering flaws and insecurities of the other person, so that I am not completely deluded when "officially" starting the relationship with sex, so I know what the other person might deal with in life and how/if could I help them. It made me wonder about my masculinity and femininity as well. I think I am somewhere right down the middle between feminine and masculine. I think the past year I made a great move towards being more masculine. I like getting stuff done and not being idle, I'm more persistent and I like to create some sort of a rhythm for myself. So I like to become friends with tougher and more proactive people and in the case of women see whether we can take it to the romantic dimension, while maintaining the relatively egalitarian friendship. --- Three days in a row, my phone alarm didn't ring in the morning, so I got up an hour later every day. It's not horrible, but it is irritating. I also need to figure out where to put notes, as I had some around in Excel around my calendar.

I guess it takes a couple of them to truly mature. The breakups are generally blessings in disguise; I quit gaming after my last one 😄 Great job. I also think that my recent romantic adventure made me more focused on my work and more in control of myself and my desire to be social dropped too. I wish you all the best in that attempt!

Day 490: I studied, worked out and went to the shooting range with my friends. It was great fun and I enjoyed it! 🙂 Day 491: I visited my parents, studied and planned. --- Gratitude: I'm grateful for my ability to desire and for my ability to be inspired.

I think the same, that it's a cycle we're in and that things are going to get better. Even if not, there won't be a shortage of people who will choose the more difficult path; it's just that I have to find them.

I like it. Act and something will happen. Don't act and things will stay the same (miserable). That struggle never stops. I'm on the verge of letting go a few things I built after I quit gaming. It sucks, but I need to let go of them to be better in the future. I had a full day of studying yesterday and I managed a bit over 4 hours. I think it's because that doing the same/similar thing for extended periods of time worked out poorly for me in the past. Everything eventually backfires, but there's a difference in the shake whether I give it 10 or 100 hours a week. Doing what everybody else does is easy and therefore not very valuable, but I believe everybody has a few things they are good at and that they can share with others. It's just about finding those people who have what I want. Somebody's good socially, somebody's good with money, somebody's good at marksmanship... and maybe I also have something I am good at to share with them 🙂

Day 489: I studied for over 4 hours, watched a few interesting videos, got through mails, wrote my friends, went to an English conversation class, cooked and planned.

I am still in the process of planning my days and even weeks at the same time, but I know it is required to think longer-term. I'm getting hammered by the fact I can't do everything at once or that I have to let some activity go, while I spend the last year and a half finding activities I would do instead of gaming. I get terrified when I invest too much time into something; it reminds me of how poorly that went when I was gaming. I have a full-study day today with no obligations and I'm aiming "only" for 5 hours of studying. That's why I have my blog, write here and even meditate about things. It helps with sorting out thoughts immensely.

I'm happy and grateful for how this turned out overall. I noticed in my actions and in my thoughts I like her more and more over time, so I decided to go for it. What I like the most about it is the organicity of the whole thing. We met at a party, chatted a bit, showed some mutual interest, hung out a few times, had a good argument and then I made the move. I'd expect the rejection would sting, but I think the main thing I was after was to establish some boundaries rather than already being deeply in love. I needed to know whether to approach her as a friend or as a lover. Having this settled, I know what my possibilities are now.

It's good to know what I did during the day. It's a combination of all of them. Having people to inspire you or push you helps as well.

Day 485: I meditated, read, worked on the business idea, attended the philosophy seminar and wrote some mails. Day 486: I meditated, cleaned my room, watched a Forex stream, did the groceries, wrote to friends, worked on the business idea, read and went out with "Girl A". Day 487: I worked on my mails, took a nap, watched some Jocko Willink, watched a Forex stream, worked out, cooked, took a nap, worked on the business idea and drummed in the evening. Day 488: I had an English class, watched a Forex stream, sorted out some mails regarding my Saturday celebration, worked on the business idea, visited my grandma, had another English class, thought how to plan my next three days, glanced over the study materials and sorted out some mails. --- I spent a few hours with "Girl A" on Tuesday. We went for a ride to a nice viewpoint, attended a philosophy lecture, I gave her some flowers... long story short, we're not dating. We both chose continue seeing each other every now and then though. We still respect each other and are honest to each other. I wouldn't expect this outcome, but perhaps me not getting insulted or depressed by the rejection and trying to approach the whole situation rationally as a mature human being helped keep this relationship together. I decided to take a breather (or rather, study hard for the exam on Monday) from the business idea for rest of the week. It's proving very difficult to try and do all the work the business idea requires (last week was about 30 hours and the plan for this one was about 30 hours as well - did about 15, while having next to 0 two weeks ago), while having other interests and while going for the final uni exam on Monday. My time management skills are not there yet to incorporate all this and I sometimes notice signs of stress or panic in my behavior and I take it out on myself by either napping, masturbating or not sleeping well. Finding my cool again. Gratitude: I'm grateful for pushing my limits and learning how to negotiate with myself regarding what am I willing and unwilling to do.

It's good advice. I compared it to being new to playing poker; joining a random table will result in receiving some serious ass-kicking at first until you at least learn the ropes. I'm breaking even with my investment money, so I am not completely horrible in this. It doesn't take too much time with the strategy I utilize either; a few dozen minutes every day maximum. The other business idea takes a lot more time, but the idea that it's a "hungry run" of not getting any/little money and investing a lot of time that will eventually pay dividends is there as well. Thanks for the support 🙂

Keep up the fight. We're in this together 🙂

I had that at first as well, but I found out some tasks can't be done this way efficiently. For example, for me it's easy to exercise, read and do a few chores and call it a day, despite the fact I wanted to work on my blog article. I'd usually knock out the easy tasks and leave the more difficult ones for tomorrow... ad infinitum. Planners and schedules are great, but I need to remember I can't use them as a tyrant would for a slave, otherwise I wouldn't do anything.

Day 482: I had an English class in the morning, worked out, did a bit of Forex, finished my report above, did the laundry, cleaned my room, went for a walk, read, took a nap and went for a dinner with my friend. Day 483: I sent out CVs to language agencies to get more English classes, watched a YT lecture, worked on the business project, had a family celebration, worked out and wrote to friends. Day 484: I watched "The Lion King", planned my next week, went for a walk and read (did that twice today), finished an article on my blog and hopped around with the basketball. --- These past three days felt extremely slow and drowsy and I can't even remember when was the last time I had a stretch of days like these. I did almost nothing else besides remembering and catching up on habits I let slide by during more busy days. There's more action coming up the next week. Gonna get after it.

I feel the same. There's nothing to be curious about once you've seen all of it or most of it. Well-fitting clothes can make both men and women look better than they would look otherwise. Plus the ritual of physical undressing (assisted or not 😄 ) is definitely arousing, but even "mental" undressing/opening up to each other is highly connecting and conductive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wkD8rjkodUI It doesn't seem too horrible for me 😄 I think that's true to an extent. I used to care only about gaming all day and it was pathological. I think anything becomes so if you prioritize it too much. But the opposite thing of trying to give a damn about a lot of things can become a problem as well. I had second thoughts about drumming, as while I played the drums for a long time, compared to other activities, I don't have too much passion for it, compared to, for example, shooting. Then there's things you can return to anytime - reading, writing or meditation and you can do these whenever you make some time for them on your own.

I'm using the template I used the last time. 29/6/20 - 14/8/20 (started working on this on 3rd August) "L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term. "N" will stand for the plan next term. --- Drumming: L: I went drumming a couple of times with my two band-members. I feel as if I already got better at playing the drums than I was before couple of years ago. The only issue here might be the genre, as I think we sometimes play too many doomy-gloomy, melancholic and unhappy songs. I want to push for something more positive and/or more energetic. T: I think the bad vibe I got before was that one of the guys seemed to be trash-talking too much, but I think he got better at handling it. We also got an experienced bassist, so that will probably change the chemistry in the band as well. It was difficult for me to make the practices this month due to them having normal day jobs and me having the gun license course in the evening. N: I feel as if I need to practice more and keep perfecting my technique. I feel as if I hit the ceiling of my old skills. Guns: L: I'm setting this up. Got the papers in and I should start in two weeks. I want to get back into it because I loved the activity when I was in the army and I kept on talking about doing it after I left it. The time has come. Spending a day on the shooting range a month sounds great. T: I passed the gun license exam successfully. N: I want to get to the shooting range and try out a few guns, so I know which one to get and practice with. Some of the guys from the uni said they'd be happy to go with me as well, so I plan to organize the event soon. I could merge these two as well. Edit: My birthday "party" will happen at the shooting range next Saturday. There's a restaurant next to it, so it should be a chilled evening. Writing: L: I write here (reports like these), I started writing a blog on 31st December (5 articles thus far), wrote my business website and I wrote a bit of Self-authoring. I didn't write anything in the past two months besides a report or two. To clarify, I mean this in the context of writing just for writing itself or "active" writing. I mostly do "reactive" writing - I react on somebody else's post/topic/message. I am going to shift the balance, meaning I will post less and not sub to any more new threads, but I'll keep checking/posting in the ones I already posted in and post more on my blog. I think "active" writing is more rewarding, as it forces me to think actively, whereas "reactive" writing means merely stating my current opinion and there's no novelty involved. If I discuss something with someone, it's better to do it in person anyway. I'll be more than happy to exchange PMs though, especially if they'll be as eloquent as the ones @gargamel sent me recently, so you know what to do if you want to provoke me 😄 T: I almost got together another blog post, got the big report up and attended the seminar on creative writing. I also write things I notice when I am out with "Girl A". N: I want to post a blog post every month. Books: L: Finish reading "On the Genealogy of Morality". Start a notebook where I write the main points from the books I read. I read 8 books during this time of various topics - dating, psychology, philosophy or finance. I think reading is the habit that goes out of the window first whenever I feel I need to prioritize something else. Regardless, I want to start taking notes when I read. T: I finished "On the Genealogy of Morality". I started reading "The Red Queen: Sex and the Evolution of Human Nature". I didn't start taking notes, mainly because my reading habit is rather haphazard. N: "Girl A" recommended me "The Art of Loving" and I want to read "The Crime and Punishment" and "The Notes from Underground" by Dostoevsky. English - Personal + Business: L: My volunteer class is growing. I don't expect to get/create any more classes during the summer. I am going to be sending out CVs in the beginning/mid August to check what's available in the city, as most courses start in September/October. I had a lot of classes in November/December. I couldn't find anything that fit my criteria afterwards, so I got the trade license, got the website up and CV struck afterwards. I am currently running one class for volunteers charitably and I have another one I get paid for well. I like teaching English, though I feel I have accepted it can't be a great focus of mine currently, because I can't control how many classes I get (or not) and because I can't control how much an employer is willing to pay me. I already handed out quite a few business cards to interesting people I met at the class. I accept that I have to keep it small scale for the time being. T: I have the two classes I wrote about above. N: I want to send out the CVs, get the FB page up and upload some photos on my website. Family: L: I get to see all of my family (mom, dad, brother, grandma) every week. I think mom and dad handled the transition caused by my departure well. They argue sometimes, but it seems to be that healthy kind of arguing that keeps the relationship alive and that solves problems rather than causing them. My brother seems happy with his girlfriend and my grandma is happy the family sticks together and that she sees us regularly. I think my family respects me more overall and understands when/how I need to assert myself. T: I can't notice anything out of the ordinary. Meeting up with everyone once a week. N: - University: L: This semester, I passed all but one exam during the exam term, so now there's just that and one nearly-finished project to be completed. I did a good job catching up onto home-works during the semester. I think the preparation during the exam term could've been better, however it was challenging to set the priorities straight to satisfy all the areas of my life. I'm happy with how I did overall. I want to keep the habit of spending one morning a week during the semester on uni stuff. T: I finished the GIS project, but I failed the exam again, which I was more puzzled than angry about. N: I'm in contact to set up some consultation with the prof (along with one girl), because others seemed to have passed with relative ease. I have to figure this out, so it doesn't linger. I want to keep the habit of spending one morning a week during the semester on uni stuff. Being social: L: There's very few restrictions still in place, most of them got canceled. That said, I seldom go out just to go out. I like when meetings have an agenda, like speaking in English or philosophy, rather than a random get-together of people. I talk to people more nowadays and I often face the choice of forgoing one event for another. Before that, everyone I could realistically get in contact more often than once a week were my parents. I knew I had to start my social life from the scratch when I quit games. It took me a while, but I got the vibe I couldn't do that without moving from my parents in the suburbs, as all there is is just one pub. Another small shift I noticed recently was that I actively started to get invited to events, although I am aware it's still necessary to break the ice sometimes and try something new. T: I attended a few new events in the area and tried something new, such as playing board games in English or creative writing. Some of the restrictions around CV have come back, but pubs and other small-scale places are still up, so it's hard to say how all this will continue. N: - Exercise/movement: L: I want to become more consistent with push-ups. I didn't like the exercise historically. I also want to come up with a good leg workout, as the only exercises I know are lunges and squats. I started going to the dormitory gym on 31st December. I started out small, doing 15 grip "over" and 15 grip "under" pull-ups and 100 sit-ups. For comparison, nowadays I regularly do 35 pull-ups of both kind, 150 crunches/sit-ups, 150 Russian twists and 50 push-ups. I cycle more often (approximately 20km a week now), sometimes hop around with the basketball and take walks to the park when I read. I am happy with my current physique, I think it's actually the best it's ever been. I know there are ways to be more efficient, so I'll look into diet and exercises with someone more competent, as well as some exercises for my legs. I want to pick up a martial art as well. T: I kept on exercising the normal amount, although I didn't have a lot of time to look into the martial art (which would partially cover the exercise diversification) or the diet. I have free afternoons/evenings now after finishing the gun license course, so I can put it there if I want to. I think my legs are doing fine, considering I like to ride my bike a few times a week. N: I want to look into diet and exercises with someone more competent. I want to pick up a martial art as well. Russian: L: I am on Duolingo with a streak of 280, but while I enjoy the randomness of doing it just because I can, I'm also unsure what exactly am I going to do with it and I've been like that for a while. I'm going to quit it on 5th August, unless I find a purpose for it. T: I made it to 312 days. N: I quit a week ago. Forex: L: I started three months ago, half of the time I spent on demo and now I am on real. On real, I was anywhere between 90%-130% of my initial investment the past 6 weeks and right now I'm sitting at 100%. Honestly, Forex is a great emotional health check. I'm employing a longer-term strategy, where I check the charts each hour (though I obviously sleep for 7-8 hours and I don't have mobile Internet) and if the conditions are met, I enter a trade that might potentially last a few days. Sometimes I lose even though I am disciplined, but it's a better loss than if I was stressing out the whole time because I broke the rules I wanted to play by. I think it actually fits my life philosophy nicely, so I think I have a good shot at being good at it. It's not the money I make, it's the money I keep. At a job, I also waited for a paycheck for a month, so the same logic applies here. The most important thing is to keep it together and not get stressed by other events in my life, keep on being disciplined and let emotions get into the equation as least as possible. T: All things considered, I still make some dumb moves, but it seems that my other capabilities seem to offset that occasional emotional faux pas, because the account grows bit by bit. I set up an order of actions prior to entering a trade, so I just have to follow it to be a bit more stable. N: I think my goals, analysis of the charts and patience could use some work, although it's just about getting comfortable with it over time. Business idea Mk 2: L: I decided to stop this endeavor for the time being, at least until I've dealt with exams and became a bit better at handling Forex, both mentally and time-wise, though I'm still interested in this, but more for the skill-set involved rather than the financial side of things. This has the potential to make great money (read: give me a lot of time to do whatever I like in the more distant future, because money rules in democracy) just like Forex. I want to start working on this again once I can make this a priority again. T: I'm currently half-way through the task of asking people I have on FB to exchange phone numbers and with a bit of chat about what are they up to and what am I up to. I'm keeping stats on how many people I get the number from. Most are fine with sending it over and a bit of chat, but a few jumped and outright unfriended me, which was kind of funny. I also already assisted on a few meetings and it's interesting to get to know people in different angles this way and the reaction is usually slightly positive all things considered. N: I'm going with my friend for a meeting during for the whole weekend to introduce me into the company more. I think I find the most value in contacting people and setting up meetings, as I am finding I am running into some subconscious resistance by trying to make myself important and worthy of writing and communicating with people. Expanding my comfort zone is my primary motivation in this endeavor. Edit: Check posts above for current/more detailed info. Women/dating: L: "Girl A" and I met up once and she returned me the book about relationships I lent her. She is very introspective about her relationship patterns and keeps the conversation logical and impersonal. She doesn't whine. I'm arriving to some conclusions myself now that I know her, some of her thoughts and my relationship with my X. It's intriguing and terrifying at the same time. T: "Girl A" and I met up thrice on our own during this time-frame; always for at least an hour or two. I enjoyed every single one of these meetings. We also met at several other group events as well, so we see each other often. Except for the hiccup above, it's been pretty smooth going. N: I'm meeting her in a group meeting today, so I will take her aside for a few minutes and tell her what I think about yesterday. I won't make it about me or get angry at her. I generally get the best experience with her when I dare to be open a bit more than I would expect myself to be, but I don't plan to tell her what was I going to do yesterday. I feel as if I was one step away from something with her on Saturday and today I feel as if I am five steps away instead, kinda like in "Sorry!" and its variations, so that point is moot. Edit: Check posts above for current/more detailed info. Masturbation: L: It's been a strugglebus, but I think I made some progress in at least cutting the number of times I masturbate. I'm holding strong on ejaculation though. I think it'll be like with gaming - I tried to haphazardly quit gaming multiple times, but finally by getting here I reached the breaking point. It's likely gonna take more than a few weeks and re-making the decision that I don't have time to waste. T: Ejaculation is easy for me to handle, it's just that masturbation overall is difficult to get rid of. It's a process I guess. Meditation: L: I never got around to do it, though it could be that I incorporate some of it while working out or singing along with music or while on a walk. I want to figure out where to put it into my daily rhythm. T: I meditated a few times and I enjoyed the calmness. I gotta step up the relaxing activities, even though it sounds like an oxymoron 😄 Gratitude: L: I noticed I became more grateful in some areas, though I get cocky at times, but mostly when I am alone. I plan to mark down a thing or two in each entry that I am grateful for, preferably something original and non-repetitive. T: I managed to sneak it in into my journal a couple of times, so that's good. I found a funny picture on the Internet as well. I hope you let it empower you as it empowered me! --- Additional projects/misc/cool stuff finished last month: gun license Additional projects/misc/cool stuff upcoming this month: birthday at the shooting range --- Thoughts, ideas and additional comments/gratitude:

Day 478: I met with "Girl A" in the morning, did a bit of Forex and then went to pick up my gun license. I am also planning a celebration of my birthday on the shooting range, so I decided to start organizing it. I spend the evening with my friend working on the business idea. Day 479: I spend some time on Forex, sorted out some emails, worked with my friend working on the business idea, met with another friend to swim in a dam and chat and in the evening I did the laundry and some misc stuff. Day 480: I wrote a bit, did Forex, organized my birthday party on the shooting range the next week and worked on the business idea. Day 481: I planned my next week, did Forex, worked on the business idea, visited my grandma and had an English class in the evening, wrote with friends and now I am writing this. --- Regarding "Girl A", I feel both happy and rifted at the same time. I feel as if I let her close to me enough that the options for me are either to make a move or let the relationship die. I think if I was planning to keep everything as it is now, I would be dishonest towards myself and her in some time. There were some increments the last time I noticed/contributed towards, but I am making the big step the next time. --- In other news, what is keeping me away from ruminating about the above the whole day is my packed schedule due to the business idea. I wasn't able to hit the gym or sit down and read for the past few days either. I like the idea itself, what it does for people involved, the skill-set involved and of course the money. It's just that the time it takes is destabilizing for me; approximately from 0 to 20 the past four days. I know I have to prioritize now. The time where my identity was maximally stretched is over and I know I should do fewer things well than to do a lot in a shitty manner. I already dropped Russian. I'm just running into heavy resistance, because I don't want to be absorbed in anything as I was absorbed as I was once in gaming and it seems to me that the guy mentoring me doesn't do anything else in his life that is not directly linked to the business.