Ikar

Day 505: I had a Skype English class, worked on the business project, had a Skype interview, arranged a new student for English classes, went for a walk, read and spoke with my friend in the evening. --- There was still a lot of idle/random activities throughout the day, but overall I think it was more action-packed than yesterday. Looking forward to being 100% free of cold again. Gratitude: I'm grateful for philosophy, where the goal is the process.

Masturbation is only a problem for me when I am around my bed and when I stop and think "what the hell" for a minute or two, there's a good chance I do something more productive than masturbating. I don't think this will ever be successfully "solved", though I think things would be somewhat better if I had a functioning relationship and sex 1-2x a week within it. Getting up is hard, sometimes it's useful to feel hungry or thirsty or wanting to pee, but it's hard to plan those! Setting up some obligations with others might be useful (usually work), but even if it's purely purpose-built, such as a Skype call with a friend for 5 minutes every day at 0600 or whenever you set it up.

Day 504: I wrote to my friends, worked on my business plan, visited my family and watched a video regarding the business. --- A fairly fragmented day, but I got more work done than yesterday. Visiting my family was somewhat irritating; my mom was all over the place, so I had to help her prepare the lunch I was invited for and during our Scrabble match she kept running around doing other stuff, so instead of getting back to the dorm at 1530 and ready to eat in an hour or two, I got back at 1700 and hungry. Gratitude: I'm grateful for my military past. Less talk, more do.

I'm over 500 days into quitting gaming and I listen to soundtracks of games I played (and films I watched) regularly. I mostly listen to chill soothing themes or background tactical music. But that is just my experience. As @MuMuMelon mentioned above, unless it makes you ruminate for dozens of minutes about how you played this and that level or how your former squad might be doing right now, then it's fine to listen to it. Give it a go a couple of times and see what happens. Most of us here gave quitting gaming a go couple of times too before we eventually kicked it.

Day 503: I watched "Triumph of the Will", went for a walk, read, got through all my emails and articles, read again, watched some Simpsons and wrote here. I finished reading the "Red Queen" by Matt Ridley and started reading "The Art of Loving" by Erich Fromm. I canceled the session I had with the band today. --- One thing that struck me on a personal level during watching the "Triumph of the Will" (I actually got it almost a year ago, but decided to watch it just now, because I felt like having the time) is that one can't do great things if he doesn't believe in them. The trouble with that of course is that you can believe the wrong things and do the wrong things. I did the same when I gamed. I put the entirety of myself into gaming (and later my X). I must learn to wield this powerful force to my advantage and for the good, so it doesn't scorch me like in the past. --- I get to see "Girl A" every now and then, but I do not mention it. I could just be reiterating what I wrote before, nevertheless I'm happy with the outcome. Before I made the move, I saw some of her shortcomings. I started seeing more of them after the possibility of dating her was gone, but I guess that was to be expected. Despite that, it was an improvement from when my previous attempts with women. It just shows how incredibly complex proper dating is. Sure, you can meet a girl at a party and kiss her at the end of it, then set up a date and have sex in the span of a few days or even the same day. Except now you date a girl who you know almost nothing about. I'm repulsed by physicality induced by alcohol. In my case, I'd ideally scout and then date the girl several times - both alone and in public, meaning weeks or rather months of interaction. --- I felt fairly absent-minded after watching Simpsons. I think there's something unsettling about having too many days without too much of a plan - the days just flow by and little gets done. I'm gonna be more active tomorrow.

Some of my family told me to visit the doctor if the cold doesn't go away in a few days, but I think that's common sense even if there was no CV. I'll go visit the doctor on Tuesday if the symptoms persist.

Day 502: I had a short English class, took a nap, went for a walk and read, watched a philosophy video, read an article about "Reserve Police Battalion 101" and watched Simpsons in the evening. --- It's funny how life works. At the beginning of the week, I put together a post regarding on how I use my time and how I want to use it in the future. The few days after, I'm forced to spend lazing around due to the cold and not doing much. In a way, it is comforting to just be at home, to drink tea and to keep warm. It reminds me of the few times when I was sick in the past and how the slow days can be. Grateful: I'm grateful for knowing there are people who are better than me in specific areas of life and my ability to be humble enough to learn from them, even though my ego dislikes it 😄 P.S. It's been 2 years since I left the military and 1 year since I got back from my Iceland trip. I'm happy my life is still moving forward.

The strategy I use is technical and mathematical, but there's a lot of psychology to it to Forex; when, why and how to enter a trade, how to deal with a shitty week/month etc. I know it "exists" for over two years now, but I have zero idea about its origin.

Day 501: I finished the report above, watched a Forex stream, sorted out mails, planned, did the groceries, prepared for the trip and went to the cottage of my friend to party. Day 502: I returned from the party and prepared to visit my grandma and to teach English in the evening. --- I'm currently combating a slight cold, approximately from Monday. On Sunday and Monday, I went outside and I got wet and the weather was unexpectedly cold as well. I have a runny nose and I don't sleep too well, but otherwise I feel fine. Paradoxically, I think the cold was the reason I went to the party, because I felt the activities I would do normally I wouldn't do well and that I'd just waste the time. I was driving, so I didn't drink at all - in fact, I kept myself warm, drank tea, gave out some of the beers I still have, chatted with others and found it funny to be the only sober person at the party. It's interesting to watch people who temporarily care less about their future 😄 Regardless, this only solidified me in the realization of my findings above; that I think everyone there (or at least every uni student there) would do better if they worked on... well, just about anything, for example gaining more independence from their parents (and to the extent from the state) by not needing as much of their money/support. I think it's fine to drink every other day if one finds an automated way to make hundreds of € every day, but the road to that achievement rarely lies in drinking every other day. To end on a positive note, Forex this week went very well after the dumpster month of August.

It would nicely explain why gaming + watching streams or even streaming itself is such a killer combination; I alternated between all of them. 100%. Honestly, it's only natural to try and share something that we're good at and to try wrap our identity around it more. I think Peterson described addiction as a "mini-personality" of its own inside one's personality. This mini-personality is only after that one thing; be it gaming, drugs, sex, whatever and it will do absolutely anything to satiate itself and to get its resources - it can be by honest work in a job, but it can also be by stealing or by manipulating others. What's interesting is that only a few of these are essential (e.g. you mentioned food, water, sleep) and the rest of them are expendable.

This is sort of a mini-report (edit: well, that got out of hand) "Goals and Aspirations" I came up with while evaluating the things I do in my life and how I would improve on them. I cannibalized these from my 31st December resolutions and my last monthly report. I have goals and action plans in some of the areas already, but I need to get them all down, so there are no murky areas or at least as few of them as possible. I need to write them down in numbers of hours they take a week to find out if it's even possible to be active in all these areas. I need to get my head straight. priority ranking: 0 - unconditional, 1 - important, 2 - useful, 3 - nice ---------- DAILY: name: sleep priority: 0 goal/aspiration: not going insane current action: 8 hours daily = 56 hours a week projected action: OK feeling: My sleeping habits have always been fine, even when I was gaming. It got worse several months ago, but then it got better again, since I stopped doing "dry" masturbation for the first time a few months ago. I still do it every now and then, but I have to feel very anxious or very sexually driven to do it. name: books (not articles) priority: 1 goal/aspiration: read a book a month (approx. 500 pages) current action: 2x week - 1 hour session = 2 hours a week projected action: 30 minutes daily = 4 hours a week (+2 hours change) feeling: I think I read about half the amount, in bigger blocs, something along the lines of twice a week per hour. I like to combine reading with getting out for a walk (when the weather is fine) and that usually takes 1,5-2 hours combined. name: meditation OR walk (calming activities) priority: 1 goal/aspiration: take a healthy breather during the day current action: 2x week - 1 hour session = 2 hours a week projected action: 30 minutes daily = 4 hours a week (+2 hours change) feeling: I actually got myself to meditate a few times recently and combined with the walks, where I just focus of being in the moment or let my imagination roam free, they're both good activities for relaxation. Meditating + reading might turn out to be an interesting indoor alternative to walking + reading if the weather is bad. name: journal (+ gratitude) priority: 1 goal/aspiration: keeping track of what I do and how I do it (along with Google Calendar = planning) current action: 15 minutes daily = 2 hours a week projected action: OK feeling: This habit has taken a dent recently, I did a couple of quad entries. I can make time for it before sleep, so I'm going to link them better. Even if writing on my phone is annoying, I could at least drop in a "checking in" post for the day and complete the entry later when I'm back on the computer. name: brushing teeth + shower priority: 0 goal/aspiration: not dying in my own filth current action: 30 minutes daily = 4 hours a week projected action: OK feeling: I just realized it would be a good idea to visit my dentist again for the regular half-year checkup, so I am having an appointment in a month. name: eating priority: 0 goal/aspiration: not dying and not eating garbage current action: 2 hours daily = 14 hours a week projected action: OK feeling: This can be combined with some of the more passive/relaxing activities, e.g. watching a video, listening to music, but there are almost none in the list, meaning they are not as important. ---------- SEMI-DAILY: name: drumming - SOCIAL priority: 3 goal/aspiration: local small concerts in the area current action: 2x week - 3 hour sessions + 2 hours transport/cycle = 8 hours a week projected action: OK feeling: Honestly, I'm not feeling too great about it. It could've/would've/might've been different if CV didn't happen (met with the guys right before the lock-down), so we would start meeting up regularly before mid-June, or if I got back into it right after I quit gaming (I put the first ad online about a year ago, when I was returning from Iceland; I actually got about 7 responses during the time, but I felt they were too pro/too far/too whatever). The guys I am with are not super pros either, but I sense music is just a bigger part of their life than it is of mine and that they put more effort into it. name: university priority: 2 goal/aspiration: pass the exams and get the title current action: (1x week - 2 hour session) = 2 hours a week projected action: (1x week - 8 hour classes + 1x week - 2 hour session) = 10 hours a week (+8 hours change) feeling: I feel as if this option as a means of getting myself a good/better job loses its relevance the longer I am working towards it. If I was blunt, I'd send it out to combat the triumvirate of jobs below and I do not think it would stand up to any of them. I don't need it for Forex nor the business idea. For me as an English teacher it would look nice to have the title before my name, but the field of studies is not related to it at all. The biggest advantage of it is that it does provide some nice monetary benefits in forms of lower taxes or cheaper living at the dorm, so I might want to calculate how much does it save/make me and decide whether I want to get the major or if bachelor will suffice. Another good piece of news is that I actually do not have to attend the classes, but then I'll have to catch up on any/all coursework on my own. name: exercise/martial art - SOCIAL priority: 1 goal/aspiration: get into martial art in mid-Sep (after excursion in mid-Sep) current action: (2x week own - 1,5 hour session) = 3 hours a week projected action: (2x week martial - 1,5 hour session + 1x week own - 1 hour session + 2 hours transport/cycle) = 6 hours a week (+3 hours change) feeling: I found Aikido and Krav Maga classes nearby. Aikido's advantages lie in that it's cheaper and that there's a bigger spiritual element to it. In practicality and schedule, I prefer Krav Maga - I'm in love with the idea I would get to a training at 0630. I'm going to visit both classes for comparison. I also need to figure out what's up with my shoulder and for that reason I went to the MRI with it yesterday. name: (active) writing priority: 2 goal/aspiration: one blog post every month + monthly report + writings like this current action: irregular (this took me solid 6 hours the past 3 days) projected action: (1x week - 3 hour session) = 3 hours a week feeling: I'm going consider this activity to be active writing as well; writing myself for myself. It's good to sort out thoughts and put them on paper (or a diary/blog/website) from time to time. name: family priority: 2 goal/aspiration: maintain good relationships with my family current action: (2x week - 3 hour + 4 hour session + transport 2 hours) = 9 hours a week projected action: (2x week - 3 hour session + transport 2 hours) = 8 hours a week (-1 hour change) feeling: I think I may be spending more time than I need to visiting my family currently. I enjoy having lunch and chatting with grandma afterwards once a week, so I don't mind spending 2-3 hours a week like this. An interesting side note is that I might be overall more attracted to women who share personality traits with my grandma rather than my mom, because I think she was around more when I was a kid. It's different when the family (mostly mom, dad, brother and I) are together. It's strange, but it's as if there was nothing to talk about. We have lunch, then I play Scrabble with mom and then I just lounge about for a while before going home. I don't get to spend almost any time alone with any of them, though the conversation I had with my brother yesterday was good. name: clean the room! priority: 1 goal/aspiration: not dying in my own filth current action: (1x week - 1 hour session) = 1 hour a week projected action: OK feeling: I've just remembered the times where my X begged me to clean my room and put it at least into some order. Now I'm doing it without you, babe. name: shopping priority: 1 goal/aspiration: having food is good current action: (2x week - 1 hour session) = 2 hours a week projected action: OK feeling: I actually went to a big supermarket a few days ago and I challenged myself to test on how much "garbage" I would buy. I bought heaps of fruits - nectarines, grapes, olives, then white paprika, chicken breasts, cheese, wholegrain pastry and that was it. I abstain from alcohol. Sweets/snacks/crackers are supplied by my grandma (I'm currently sitting on about a kilo of chocolate) at a rate I can't eat them and I already gave some out. I guess the only stain in this regard is the occasional instant soup I have (to put something warm into the stomach), but even then that is usually supplied by tomatoes, paprika, olives and pastry, cheese and meat. name: cooking priority: 2 goal/aspiration: having warm food is good current action: irregular - 2 hours a week (?) projected action: OK feeling: I cook these three things - chicken breasts (30-40 mins preparation), chicken (30 mins) and scrambled eggs (15 mins). First two I put into fridge and can eat at a later time during the week, the last one I eat right away. I estimate I don't spend more than 2 hours cooking a week, but I never observed it. name: being social - SOCIAL priority: 1-3 goal/aspiration: other people help us not get insane current action: irregular - 10-15 hours a week projected action: OK feeling: I'm putting all other unsorted social activities here. I'm going to let the hourly expenditure take precedence over priority, because then I can identify them during the week easily and lump all the irregular meetings into one pack. This includes meeting with friends 1-1, socializing in groups, philosophy courses, English discussion clubs, volunteer English... Some of them are great and some of them are a drag. I'm aware there are other activities, such as planning, sending mails, some random emergencies or getting dressed, but I tried to depict the ones I can put together easily time-wise and that take at least an hour to do weekly. Monthly activities I didn't include either (shooting range, monthly reports), because the week is the best unit of resolution for this. ---------- I didn't count this before, but with all my projected actions as I have them planned, I'd have about 35 hours left for something else. Currently, I am sitting at around 50. The bad news is that in all those hours above, I do not make a single dime. I saved up money before and learnt to live off of it, while teaching English several hours a week to pay for a few months of the whole year. To break even monthly now, I'd need to teach 15 hours of English a week - which is not horrible at the moment, but that number will go up the older I get (more taxes, flat/house, family etc.) ---------- JOBS: Based on the previous text, it's obvious I need to put more time into these. I'm currently involved in three (potentially) money-making activities: English - my current income; I enjoy it and I've been doing it for over two years, but there is not enough classes for me that would be paid as well as I want Forex - my current expense; the past month has been quite horrible, as I went from around 110% to 75% of my initial amount business idea - I made huge progress in the past month, but I'm going to have to put more time into it ---------- Paradoxically, my dream for the future is to live like I live now; so I can organize my work around my free time, but for now I have to bite my ass and slog on. I'm not retired yet, so I do not have a pension; I am not a business owner yet, so I can't reap the benefits of my work; and neither I have a few million €s at hand to just not care about anything.

@BooksandTrees This website is about individuals trying to get out of a rut, sometimes supporting each other. I get the vibe you are empathetic than most, but sometimes the best way to help others is to help yourself. There is a bunch of guys with +100 days posting regularly, if you want some longer-term cooperation. But most people come on here, make an entry or two, post in another topic or two and then leave forever. I just went through my first 10 pages of my diary and out of all the people that made a post in it only you and @Icandothis are still active on the forum (were here the last month). Most people relapse or find out journaling doesn't cut it for them and find a better solution or finish the detox and stop posting after etc. And that's all actually fine, because they all have their reasons and they act upon them. Myself, I am finding what I want from this forum, so I am here even after 500 days. I hope you find what works for you here on the forum as well.

Day 500: There was a bit of "dry" masturbation during the night. I couldn't sleep well because I was anxious, though I am not sure what would I be anxious about either today or in some near future, but it might be connected to the findings in my report I'm working on. I got up at 0550 regardless and I realized I have a starting cold, judging from my stiff back and runny nose, so I put on my hoodie to keep warm. I worked on my report, watched a Forex stream, did some stuff for uni online, finished my laundry. Then I went to visit my brother. We didn't go into anything deep, but the hour and a half seemed to flow by fast. I went to the MRI with my shoulder afterwards. I also decided to try out sauna to stop the cold that's creeping up my back. Gratitude: I am grateful for 1-on-1 talks with other people.

It's a controversial topic. I don't think it's always the case that being benevolent and actively encouraging (active positive interaction) or leading by example (passive interaction) is going to cut it. My father's friend kicked his son in his 20s out of the flat, because all he did was to eat, sleep and play games. He eventually got himself together, got a job and is welcome in the family again. That event was not pleasant by definition for any side, but it was just about making the decision, taking the chances and seeing what happens. The incentive to make others do better (or something we want) has to come from someone emotionally close or someone whom we think can influence our life in a big way, just as @gargamel pointed out in the post here. I guess it could be a good exercise on finding out how many people care to have you/need you in their life, but don't get drunk on power! 😄

Thanks for the support 🙂 Thanks for the recommendation! I never "read" an audio-book before, but it might be worthwhile when I'm on a train or something.

Day 499: I finished my small uni project, wrote here and worked on a mini-report, checked out martial arts in the area, tidied my room a bit, cooked, watched a philosophical video, put the printer/scanner I got for my birthday into operational condition, worked on the business idea, went for a walk and read. --- Good day.

Looking forward to following this continuation! I might take an idea or two from being more goal-oriented as well.

I was thinking the same thing. Ironically, I think me being addicted to gaming saved them a lot of arguments. An interesting thing that happened after I quit gaming/broke up with X is that I momentarily grew closer to my parents, but I knew that I needed my own space. So after I quit, I spent 4 months at home, 2,5 in Iceland, 3 at home and then I moved to the dorm. I think I'd be popular as well if I stayed at the elementary for longer, but I used the option to go 8-year high school instead of the 4-year. I remember I was the first kid to bring Pokémon cards to school and literally everyone started playing it, trading cards and whatnot. I was also a bully on ES which backfired on me hard after I migrated to HS, because the collective was radically different. It took me another 6 years to get myself straight enough to at least get invited to a party; otherwise I was just gaming and hating everyone and everything. I guess now I could make the case that my biggest/most used social group is university students (particularly around the dorm), but the odd thing is that if I wanted to, I wouldn't need to talk anyone for weeks. It's because my classes are only once a and my real classmates are people who are already working full-time from all over the region, hence I see them just for the classes. It is possible that I am not seeing a lot of the things, because I am in the position of being a weird crossover with multiple social groups. I also study economic geography - another crossover between natural and human sciences 😄 I'm actually aware I was even more like that in the past in the bold part, mostly on HS. Now I realize that if I have the best shot at helping anyone, then it's me. I shall lead by example to the best of my ability; if someone decides to join me - great. I actually had that thought of making people do things I want with little/no internal resistance inside them (regarding leading by example). Quite a scary one, especially if someone does it consciously on a regular basis. I guess the main point is whether it's justifiable and I'd guess it's not under most circumstances. If you really want to, there are so many ways to get the "kick" in a more natural way... I think it's just stupid being drunk in the first place 😄 It's a scary thought, but everything we do matters. We can only defy reality for so long, until it comes crashing in (hello there, gaming).

Day 496: I had an English class in the morning, fixed my phone (so the clock finally works), had two interviews for English lecturer, did some shopping, bought batteries for my bike's lights and a webcam and met with a friend I don't get to see often. Day 497: I left my friend's in the morning, visited my parents for family lunch and drummed with the band in the evening. Day 498: I did the laundry, wrote here, worked out, cooked, worked on a small uni project and read in the evening. --- I think the interviews went well. I had a good chat in both of them and I felt pretty confident. I'm gonna have more classes soon. I worked on the uni project today for about three hours and now I am facing quite a headache. I am aware this week is not as asocial as I planned it to be. Especially today, being alone and working on the uni project while facing a headache made me crave some escape.

Historically at high school, I asked out a few girls on the odd attempt, though I was never successful. I told my grandma this week that it bugs me how unprepared our parents set us (my brother and me) out to the world of teenage/adolescent dating, because it was taboo to talk about these things at home and how we're catching up on that just now. That said, I like how am I less and less attached to the outcome with each attempt in this regard, that I know and feel another opportunity is right around the corner and that everybody has their flaws. I don't think I've ever been in a social group where casual sex would be held in high regard. I think my selection (or lack) of social groups naturally filtered these groups out. I'm extremely combative (and on the other hand extremely supportive) when somebody close isn't/is combating their inner demons, especially addictions. It's as if I had my big addiction bundle of gaming, can't fit any more (masturbation is going pretty well in my eyes so far) and lead some sort of a holy war against them, even though I am not saint either. I noticed "Girl A" likes to drink; I think it's on par with the drinking of any other "average" uni student. I asked her if she's using it as an escape and she confirmed that. The issue here is that people get defensive even if they themselves point out that the reason they do something is stupid and there could be more constructive ways of dealing with the problem. Moreover, if it's something connected to basic biological needs (eating, sex etc.), then there's hardly any clear cut solution to the problem. A few days ago, I saw Peterson answering a similar question and he said that the best way to do this is to be there until they decide to make the change themselves. I like the idea of just getting over the topic as a whole with a simple gesture, such as a raised eyebrow with a glare or something else. Yet I also think that takes some negotiation, experience and perhaps clashing heads, so you know why exactly the other person thinks what they think and does what they do, before you are able to get over the topic in this elegant manner. I wonder if not having sex is like not having cigarettes for me - at first, I just played by the rules without understanding them, but eventually I matured into the decision that smoking is not worth it regardless. I can have ONSs if I really focused on them, but it just seems there are better things to do. Besides, I don't want to risk possible pregnancy either; I know myself to the extent that I know I would try to "make it right" and help to raise the child properly. I agree one can always find "it" (kissing, sex) in any relationship, but all the nuances, surprises, quirks... I think that thought process is flawed, because it assumes that one stays the same throughout all those relationships to somehow objectively evaluate all the differences. Every relationship is different and therefore unique and we enter each relationship different and therefore unique. I like it. The mixture of respect/hatred and later on respect/love definitely rings the bell in my case. It could even be that any relationship that I really value has a bit of that contentious/antagonistic element in it. I think the proposed/enforced societal opinion on child-rearing in the West is incorrect, because it all focuses on the warmer and compassionate mother and gives little attention to the colder and just father. To expand on that idea in the higher order, I'd make the connection between the mother who always tells us it's fine regardless whether one succeeds or not, and the idea that the society tells us that it's equally valuable whether you have sex in a functioning relationship, go to have an ONS every week or masturbate three times a day. It's just... no. *bellow/below 🙂 It's not a misspelling, but the use of "on the other hand" in the fourth text I quoted (at least to me) suggests a contrarian point, whereas I do not see one in there.) P.S. I will respond to your other post later 🙂

I get up at the same time every day - 0550, although this week my clock went on strike and on average I got up an hour later, but hopefully I have fixed it now. I do not have a real "job", so there is no need for me to "compensate" sleep during the weekend, because I stayed up late on workdays.

Day 495: I prepared for a job interview, ordered new drumsticks and crash cymbal, watched a Forex stream, wrote here, had a job interview, visited my grandma and held an English class in the evening.

Day 494: My mom happened to be in the area where I currently live and she invited me to a breakfast in a Belgian café. I had a baguette filled with scrambled eggs and arugula, as well as a turmeric tea, so that was cool. I spent almost the whole afternoon writing here and sorting out my thoughts. I went drumming with the band in the evening. --- I'm going to be "minimally social" for a week, except for the promises I already gave, job interviews and work involvement. The reason for that is that I feel I am currently tilted towards seeking differences in people rather than commonalities. I think it's because I want to figure out what exactly drove me towards "Girl A", why her response was "no", let it sink in and incorporate the lesson to make a better "decision" (as if seeing romantic potential in someone would be a decision, haha) in the future. I also think I am using "being social" as a distraction from the work (be it working out, reading, writing, working on the business etc.) I ought be doing instead. I wonder if this will be a phase or whether I will keep this up longer term and change some of my social circles. A year ago, I was happy to have at least a few; university, my family and the odd meetup. Right now, I am firmly in the territory where I have to decide whether "social circle A" is better than "social circle B" or whether I want to spend that time alone. Easy decisions, hard life. Hard decisions, easy life.

I didn't mean "partners" specifically, something more along the lines of "romantic involvement". I agree with the idea that you can enjoy spending your time with someone without having sex with them and that you can't really "think" yourself into liking someone or something. Also, just about anyone my age who talks about their ONS/hookup describes them as if they were cigarettes. "Don't start smoking like I did, it's a stupid habit. Good for you you never had one!" -> "I figured there's no point and there's no reason to look for anything less than a real relationship." I'll gladly combat my masturbation urges on my own, rather than pulling someone else equally clueless into the fray. It's just a dick move to create another possible dependency. I think it might work both ways, since every other (sexual?) partner makes you less grateful than you were for the one before and less willing to fight for the relationship, if it was to end. I was bitter and cynical for a long time, but I realized it doesn't really solve anything. I think the idea that somehow snuck into my mind was that there are better things to live for than gaming. Initially, that was the (restoration of) relationship with my X (as I couldn't perceive anything else that would be tangible and better at the same time), but over time I figured there are more things than that and that I might as well be doing just fine single. I started learning on my own just recently too. I actually started perceiving him in a better light since I quit gaming and started understanding he rather acts than talks. He did a lot to secure the family financially and to pursue his passions in career, but he wasn't around for the second part of the job in the family.

Day 492: I set up Google Calendar instead of Excel, hopped around with basketball, cleaned my room extensively, read, studied, cycled and went out in the evening. Day 493: I did the groceries, watched a Forex stream, worked out, worked on the business with my friend and went to a philosophy seminar in the evening about Stoicism. --- I feel the relationship between me and "Girl A" got colder, which I might not like at the moment, but I think it's a necessary phase my relationship with her needs to go through. It sounds odd, but part of the reason I asked her out was that I needed to know how much should I give that relationship. I learnt that openness and spontaneity might not necessarily mean romantic interest, at least not in her case. I also know that a rejection like that is about a difference in values; not because I said one or two wrong things. It also made me realize I like the "long game" when it comes to dating. I enjoy making small advances, getting to know each other, even discovering flaws and insecurities of the other person, so that I am not completely deluded when "officially" starting the relationship with sex, so I know what the other person might deal with in life and how/if could I help them. It made me wonder about my masculinity and femininity as well. I think I am somewhere right down the middle between feminine and masculine. I think the past year I made a great move towards being more masculine. I like getting stuff done and not being idle, I'm more persistent and I like to create some sort of a rhythm for myself. So I like to become friends with tougher and more proactive people and in the case of women see whether we can take it to the romantic dimension, while maintaining the relatively egalitarian friendship. --- Three days in a row, my phone alarm didn't ring in the morning, so I got up an hour later every day. It's not horrible, but it is irritating. I also need to figure out where to put notes, as I had some around in Excel around my calendar.