Ikar

Day 599: I washed the dishes, wrote here, worked out at the gym, cleaned and reorganized my room, went shopping and collected study materials for exams. Day 600: I worked on Self-Authoring, visited my family, went for a walk, went to a birthday party of two Erasmus guys and spent the evening/night with the Spanish girl. Day 601: I went for a walk, had an English class, had the philosophy seminar, played desktops and spent some time with the Spanish girl again. Day 602: I went to buy and borrow some books to study for the upcoming exam, had online English classes and played bowling in the evening. --- The first interesting thing is that I decided to go to the birthday party on my own, even though I could've organized people that I know to come with me. Some of them eventually came, but it was not enough to really form the "usual" group and that was good, because I had the incentive to shuffle around more. I played chess with the Spanish girl several days ago, so we have met before. We chatted a lot during the evening and we gradually got from talking at the party into my room. It felt very natural. I did sex after about 21 months. I don't think it touched me the way it did when I did it right with my X for the first time. However, it was still a very relaxing and liberating experience. We did sex the next day as well and she left to Spain for Christmas the day after as planned. She should return in about a month. Part of the liberating experience was that we did not bump into any hard topics regarding the future. If she returns in a month and we're both willing to continue, I will plan to continue in getting to know her more and do more activities with her besides having sex. I think I surprised her by my interest in her. Even if this is most likely temporary, we can still have a good time together besides having sex.

I think the main thing here is to remember that people can be broke or saving for something at 20, 40 or 60. The woman you want will stay with you because of the attitude, not because you already have a house. You are working on three big things and some people can't manage even one. Does she have kids? I believe there are some people that naturally eliminate themselves from the gene pool... Jokes aside, you are correct that your dating life is the reflection of the rest of your life, but it takes time to take effect. Relax and plan. When do you want to own the house? Do you want to change your job? Take a breath and think about these things. I'm happy I can live at the uni dorms during this time and I hope everybody can find at least a few guys to meet up with during these weird times.

I'm in the process of going through some longer-standing family issues now. I like spending time with my grandma, but my family is not the main thing when it comes to taking mental breaks. Mostly Bang! and rummy.

Day 594: I worked on Self-Authoring, visited my grandma, had online English classes, had a philosophy seminar, went out with a friend for a tea and played desktops in the evening. Day 595: I had an online interview, studied for an exam, worked out at the gym, had an online English class, had a seminar about Erasmus/VIA programs, read and played bowling and billiard in the evening. Day 596: I had an online English class, studied for the exam, helped out the friend in the finance business, worked out at the gym, had an English class and played in the chess tournament in the evening. Day 597: I had an online class, cooked, studied for the exam extensively, worked out at the gym, had a chat with a friend and had her help me with sewing some of my clothes together and played desktops in the evening. Day 598: I watched "The Graduate", wrote the exam, had a chat with one of my classmates, slept during the day and played desktops in the evening. --- The girl I had the few days long affair arrived at the dorm. I was actually excited to see whether anything changed for her in the past two months. She initiated and kept contact with me during the time we didn't see each other. I believe people can emerge on the other side better than they were after experiencing some hideous shit, because that is my story of quitting games. But I quickly realized that my hopes were exaggerated. We talked a bit and I decided she's not the kind of person I want in my life even as an acquaintance. I told her that in a calm and confident manner. I want to go to Canada using my university's program the next year, so I am making preparations for that. The university is slowly but surely stepping up. There's going to be a lot of time I will need to spend working on the bachelor thesis or studying for exams. This Friday's test was sort of rushed, because I could only start studying for it after the prof accepted the paper three days prior to it. It looked easy enough though, so I'll see about the results. I'm taking care of myself (my future) and my room today. I plan to get to bed earlier than during the rest of the week and get the good habits (reading, writing) back again. I can't afford to be up after midnight all the time and get up late (after 8 at least).

I think this is pretty much the story of humanity as a whole. I think another good point is that while there might be a bad community, the reaction by some individual to it might be just as bad instead of corrective and positive. I agree with this. I think the equality between men and women lies in the differences between us and that the incentive to make everything 50/50 is farfetched. I think the great paradox of the result of the feminist movement was that it forced women to take up jobs, instead of giving them the choice to work or to stay at home. Wages got simply cut/inflated (up to a half), so that a man could not provide financially for his family on his own as easily anymore. This drove more women out of home to work, giving the chance to "alternate" tutors to educate their kids - TV, computer and so forth. It leads to the idea whether to be an absolutist zealot or a nihilist relativist. Neither of them are a good choice and they oddly have a lot in common. In order to be a civilized human being, you have to find the middle ground.

Thanks for relating. I didn't have an easy time getting up today. @DaBestI think this particular case is my ego got in the way and I tried to take the easy way out. It serves me right. At least I now have the mental energy back and I can try again some other time. @Jason70I skimmed through your diary. We all have our debts from the past. I believe I am right to say that it does get better. @BooksandTreesI don't feel loneliness like this often. I do sense an underlying unease whenever I do not have something particular planned in my day and time just seems to float by though and it makes me question whether I would feel like this if my life made more sense. The film is great at depicting the contradiction between what Bickle says and what he does. He either does something wrong or he does something good for the wrong reasons. --- One of the things I've been feeling recently is the realization that everybody is fucked up in one way or another. I think it's a good thing to realize, as it humanizes others in my eyes, even though it's obviously a bit unsettling. I have a question: How do you perceive your relationship with men and women? I want to know how you guys relate to the two sexes. I will write my response later.

Day 591: I worked on school projects, worked out at the gym, did the laundry, had a uni class, had an English class and played bowling in the evening. Day 592: I did the groceries, worked out at the gym, read about current modern wars, went for a dinner with a friend and watched "Taxi Driver" with another friend. Day 593: I worked on Self-Authoring, went for a walk, visited my family, played chess, met up with a girl and watched a few reviews of "Taxi Driver". --- I'm in awe at how much "Taxi Driver" resonates with me. I watched it over a year ago when I was living with my parents, but it still strikes a deep chord in me even after living with people around me at the dormitory for the last year and despite the fact my social network is the best it's ever been. I feel somewhat lonely now, but I know it shall pass. I can see the progress over time every few months. I know that @DaBest and @BooksandTrees combat these issues of inadequacy and loneliness often and so do I sometimes. These things take months, if not years to settle, but we'll get there one day at a time.

I actually had a leak to my porn-like material a few days ago. It's still in the back of my mind sometimes, but the situation is better than e.g. three months ago. I'm glad I can serve as an example for others. I'm somewhat known for being the "responsible and reliable" guy on the dorms, though I'm obviously not perfect 😄 I don't meditate per se, but I enjoy a lot of similar activities. I go for long walks, sometimes listen to the piano/music. When I work out/drive, I like to focus on the activity itself. I think it also came with the wide range of restrictions and having to shelf some projects for the meantime (such as jiu-jitsu). I seem to do everything I care about regardless, so I'm going to roll with it.

Day 586: I worked on school projects, wrote here, cleaned my room, visited my brother and father and played in the dormitory chess tournament in the evening. Day 587: I worked on school projects, went for a walk, had English classes and had dinner with friends. Day 588: I worked on school projects, visited my grandma, had an English class, went for a walk with a friend and played desktops in the evening. Day 589: I had English classes, went for a walk with a friend and played desktops in the evening. Day 590: I worked on school projects, played in the dormitory chess tournament, listened to the piano, worked out at the gym, had a uni class (and played desktops in the evening). --- The gym opened today, even if in a reduced form. The head of the dormitory asked me if I could keep order at the gym for some money and to give some suggestions on how to improve the gym, so we will discuss that soon. I feel fairly hooked on chess, although it is luckily one of the things I can't spend too much time playing/thinking about, because there's no room for error which separates it from most of the (video) games I've played before. I'm learning to live in the moment more and although it does impact my sleep schedule somewhat (because I stay up late in the evening), I like the liveliness and flamboyance it brings me and which I feel for the past several days. I still put in the work in the morning and afternoon and I think I even enjoy it more than if I was locked in my head more.

I have zero idea on how to help you out. I think the best idea is to keep searching the net.

Regarding lack of expertise, you can have a witty remark to that comment: "Great, so now I have you to give me a hand!" I'm not on dating apps and I do not watch porn, but I think both inflate the expectations when it comes to looks. Nobody is going to deliberately put on a bad photo up or employ a hideous actress. Regardless, If you're able to target your sexual interest, then I believe it is better to target it at the women on the dating app, because there is a chance you might actually date them and have sex with them. You are on a dating app, because you want to specifically show sexual interest anyhow. I target my sexual desire on women I meet and talk to; they might not all be intimidatingly beautiful (and I thank heavens for that), but they are real and I can recognize if they have a heart and can treat me nicely which is vital for any relationship. I usually have a couple of creative ideas when it comes to going out for a date. I randomly come up with something specific for that girl if I feel there could be some shared future with the girl. I currently have a mixed sexually rewarding/evaluative game in my mind. Once I come up with a cool activity/idea, all I have to do is ask. I've recently noticed women asking me indirectly for a touch by saying "I am glad you are here (with me) (tonight)." I think acting in any other way than touching signifies "But I am not./I don't care." I struggle with masturbation as well, but I do not think the solution lies completely in sharing that sexual energy with someone else, though I think it might help. In the end, my sexuality is my problem. The girl might be gone the next morning.

I think circumstances can lead me there, but I'm not aiming at that specifically. I'm currently getting to know women by flirting/touching/going for walks, figuring out which type of women I like and whether I like the fact I like these women. Whether sex happens or doesn't is somewhat coincidental in this context. I have to trust my gut on this one, even if was wrong.

Day 583: I worked on school projects, got through mails, worked on the monthly report, went for a walk, watched "Mr. Bean" and played desktops in the evening. Day 584: I worked on school projects, watched a sort video about Nagorno-Karabakh, finished my monthly report, did the groceries, had an English class, finished the book by Frankl and played desktops in the evening. Day 585: I worked on school projects, played chess, went for a walk, sent out my English mails to language companies and watched "Saving Private Ryan".

I'm using the template I used the last time. 19/10/20 - 27/11/20 "L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term. "N" will stand for the plan next term. --- Active writing (blogs/writings/journal): L: I think my journaling was average, but it was especially helpful while sorting out my thoughts regarding women. I am writing this now. T: I worked a bit on Self-Authoring and I am close to the end of "Past Authoring", but three weeks ago I stopped it as I got more classes to teach and I haven't found time since. N: I'll be working on my bachelor thesis, so a lot of the writing will have to go there. I want to continue writing Past Authoring and I'm going to at least finish that this month. Books/Reading articles: L: Finish "Iron John". It's not a particularly lengthy book, but I didn't read much recently. T: I finished reading "Iron John". Now I'm reading a book by Viktor Frankl a friend gifted me, but it's the same as with writing; I didn't find time to read in about three weeks. I read the odd newsletter or a Wiki article, especially about military conflicts (lately about the 2020 conflicts in Nagorno-Karabakh and Ethiopia). N: Finish the book by Frankl. It's a thin book. Family: L: Mom had to go to the hospital. She's getting better, but we can't visit her now due to CV measures, so we at least call each other every now and then. I'm visiting my father with my brother and then my grandma solo every week. T: Mom was home for two three weeks and now she's in hospital again. N: I feel an increasing feeling of unease regarding my family. I feel there are talks to be had together with resolutions and absolutions. University: L: Find out what the upcoming projects for this semester are and start working on the bachelor thesis. I passed the exam from the last semester successfully. The semester already started and we got assigned some coursework, but I am not paying much attention during the online classes, so I am going to revise the recordings and ask my classmates to make sure I have everything covered. T: I started work on the bachelor thesis and finished a few school projects. I'm quite happy with my school performance this month and I seem to be the most during the mornings. N: Keep working on the bachelor thesis and pass the upcoming exams. I could have the first one in three weeks. I am planning to go to Canada the next year using my university's mobility program. Exercise/movement: L: I discovered a good jiu-jitsu course nearby I'd like to attend, but they are closed down now. T: I manage to go for a run once a week and take a longer walk about twice a week, though the exercise is obviously not as heavy as if I worked out at the gym. N: Move thrice a week. Social: L: This category includes meeting with friends 1-1, socializing in groups, philosophy courses, English discussion clubs. I’m basically up for any event that interests me. Sometimes I have a good time and sometimes I wish I stayed at home and worked on something of value. I do say “no” quite a bit nowadays, especially if the event collides with my work obligations and I have no problem leaving early if it collides with my sleep schedule. I don’t want to become too "common" either. T: The evenings have been social more often than not. The good news is that I think I am becoming better at looking at others and myself through a more realistic lens. N: - English: L: There's been a lot of reorganizing due to CV, as some courses got interrupted or moved online. I still retained a few classes though. I wanted to get the FB page up one day, but I got distracted by other things. T: This term's been pretty great for English. I think I average a bit over 10 hours a week nowadays. I updated my website (added a page for references and new photos) and got the FB page up as well. I attended an online seminar on how to run online classes to get some inspiration for activities I could do with students. I spent a day with my English mentor and his students. N: These objectives are the ones left over: I am going to send out some mails again to language schools and various other subjects to set up interviews. I am going to pursue closer co-operation with my English mentor. I am going to check out a few more seminars on how to run online courses. Women/dating: L: I learnt that perhaps I do not have as hard-core of a monogamous mentality as I thought I would have. I'm also probably more aware than ever that everybody is fucked up, including myself. T: There are a few women I could think of in the romantic plane in my area. I don't think it makes much sense to be writing specific women though. I came to the realization that planning in this area is usually cumbersome and counterproductive. N: - ----- Masturbation - reminder: L: I think it'll be like with gaming - I tried to haphazardly quit gaming multiple times, but finally by getting here I reached the breaking point. It's likely gonna take more than a few weeks and re-making the decision that I don't have time to waste. Ejaculation is easy for me to handle, it's just that masturbation overall is difficult to get rid of. It's a process. T: This term was quite rough, especially with all the female attention that I've been getting recently. Masturbation is taking a toll on my sleep schedule, but I believe I will manage to handle it in a more healthy way. I'd like to think that I wouldn't do such a thing if I had a girl with whom I could have sex every (other) day, but my sexuality still my own responsibility even in that case and I have to deal with it in a way that doesn't screw me over. Meditation: L: I never got around to do it, though it could be that I incorporate some of it while working out or singing along with music or while on a walk. I want to figure out where to put it into my daily rhythm. I meditated a few times and I enjoyed the calmness. I gotta step up the relaxing activities, even though it sounds like an oxymoron 😄 I think reading + meditation might be a good combo, it’s just that I have to remember to do it when I have enough time to read, but not enough time to go for a walk at the same time. It's getting cold outside though, so I will not read outside too much anymore. T: - Gratitude: L: I managed to sneak it in into my journal a couple of times, so that's good. I'm grateful for all the new relationships and opportunities that flew into my life the last month. I'm going to make sure this continues. T: - Additional thoughts: Find out in greater detail what it is that I am exactly aiming at - finish the Self-Authoring exercise. The division of the day for me is usually this: uni work in the morning, self-care (walks, reading, writing etc.) in the afternoon and fun in the evening with English classes scattered throughout the day randomly. I began experiencing the feeling of inadequacy whenever somebody brings up "responsibility" or "discipline" as one of my virtues and I think that's good, because it means I have room for progress in the area (mainly in the area of masturbation). I don't think I am a complete hypocrite - I think I am reasonably responsible in my life and I'm not dependent on anyone else. I'm placing extreme attention to this area and I'm extremely supportive when people decide to make the "responsible" decisions, act nobly despite tragedy and so on. I'm often playing chess with people from the dorms nowadays. --- Additional projects/misc/cool stuff finished last month: Additional projects/misc/cool stuff upcoming this month: --- Thoughts, ideas and additional comments/gratitude:

Day 579: I worked on school projects, wrote, went for a walk, watched "The Deer Hunter" and played chess in the evening. Day 580: I worked on school projects, worked on my monthly report, went for a walk, had a few online classes and played desktops in the evening. Day 581: I read, visited my grandma, had an online class, watched a documentary about the war in Iraq, got a new haircut and celebrated the birthday of a friend. Day 582: I had 6 hours of classes, read and played desktops in the evening. --- It feels as if I don't care/think as much as usual and that I take life as it comes more. That works well as far as my interactions with women go and being carefree, but overall I feel I drift more towards autopilot/lazy activities and I think that is caused by my sleeping being impaired by masturbation, causing even more mental fatigue and on the feedback loop goes. I think I am on the verge of throwing away the last few covers that make me appear as a non-sexual being to others. I currently get my sexual needs met in a stupid way and I begin to think that it's worse than the alternatives. There's no hiding from myself.

Living at the dorm helps with all the Erasmus students around, but even I do not need to speak English half of the day 7 days a week. I understand and feel the psychological side of how he teaches in his own "school". The idea is that I can lead the class only for those who want to be led and that the classes are voluntary. Analogically, there's no point in listening to a boss you dislike at work and/or doing something you hate, because you will do a shitty job. There's so many jobs and so many bosses to choose from that the argument to stay in such a job voluntarily is invalid. The current "mainstream" education system reminds me of WWI trench warfare and troops charging MG nests straight up. Just no. On the other hand, I get the idea that this system feeds a good amount of people; luckily I have the option to work outside of it.

Day 578: I worked on school projects, had online uni classes, had two English classes of my own, played chess and had dinner with the Taiwanese girl. Day 579: I spent most of the day with my friend who teaches English and his class. It was nice to see people speaking English IRL and to get some inspiration for the classes of my own.

Day 575: I worked on school projects, visited my family and played chess in the evening. Day 576: I had 6 hours of classes, read an online article from Get Rich Slowly and played desktops in the evening. Day 577: I worked on school projects, went for a walk, went to get some ingredients and helped my dad with his car. --- combating masturbation lonely? - am I lacking deeper connections with others? not reading for over 2 weeks now

Apparently I got so busy writing the last time I forgot to finish these two days! Day 571: I worked on school projects, had uni classes, went for a run, had an English class, cleaned my room and washed the dishes, had dinner and played cards with others. Day 572: I worked on school projects, watched a lecture by Peterson, wrote here and went for a walk. Day 573: I worked on school projects, went for a walk with the Taiwanese girl, played football, played and watched chess and chatted with a friend in the evening. Day 574: I worked on school projects, went for a run, had a nap, had an English class, read a bit about modern Hungarian history and played desktops in the evening. --- Based on my last entry, I feel I started fighting my complacent urges, even if not always successfully. It's taking an energetic toll on me, but I am confident I am moving in a positive direction.

I'm happy I could help. I'm not on dating apps for over half a year now, but I know it's a tool to meet new women if the current situation isn't permitting. If I remember correctly, you landed a few dates before via dating apps, so it's just about getting yourself out there and setting up more meetings. Just remember to be yourself. The rest is just statistics.

I think it might be a good idea to set a specific goal. "Trying dating apps for 3 to 6 months" is not a goal. "Going out on a date every week using dating apps" is a goal. Trash the chatty girl if she doesn't want to meet. And keep in mind you are on a dating app, because you want to specifically show sexual interest. And sexual interest - from swiping right, to cheeky texts, to cheeky speech, to touches, to sex - comes BEFORE the relationship, not after. I'm going to paraphrase Ridley: "A good marriage is when two people optimally exploit each other, so both sides win. If the balance shifts sideways, then the only winner is the divorce lawyer." I think you can do things emotionally, but you are horrified by how it might turn out "rationally" in the end. So you want unbridled intimacy, but you are scared to take a risk that you can be wrong (and I think we are always somewhat wrong) in a person. I've been wrong in a few women recently and it makes me more aware for the next time. Nobody wound up dead or pregnant, so what's the deal?

Day 570: I had English classes, visited grandma, worked on school projects and had an online philosophy seminar. Day 571: I worked on school projects, Day 572: --- My entries have been getting quite wordy, even though a lot of the stuff still gets filtered through my friends, either through Internet or personally. The topics have been the usual lot: relationships, philosophy, attraction/intimacy etc. Regardless, as I wrote before, these two recent weeks have been challenging work-wise, so nowadays I work about 20 hours a week, counting in the courses I teach plus the correspondence/preparation. It's good, because I have more structure and I make good money and all of it counts towards FIRE eventually, as @JSmithmentioned 🙂 I've been feeling somewhat egocentric recently, sort of thinking that what everybody else does doesn't match up to what I do and not having incentive to do anything past work/uni/socialize, because I already "have it all". Together with marginalizing my masturbation issue for a good while where I often do not even get the thought that I might be doing something else with my time. Coming clean with myself a bit now, I want to come clean with others too and tell them what I think and do what needs to be done, particularly regarding my family. The issue with masturbation is that I want sex, and I want a lot of it judging from the fact I masturbate (not ejaculate) daily, but I also want it on a regular basis with someone I can trust. The issue will not magically go away when I get into a relationship - it will just sexually attach me to the person more than it needs to. I think my recent experience with "Girl L" only exacerbated the issue. I've confided in a friend recently about the masturbation issue, so that was a slight help. I think the root of all this might be that I never had an idea how to start and keep a conversation going naturally until recently. I'd be dead in the water without this skill as an English teacher. It slowly got ingrained into me that sometimes I talk to "scout" the person and that the topic is irrelevant, as long as I keep figuring some topics out and talking with the other person. That's as far as the classes go. In personal life, over time, the conversation gets where it's supposed to, as long as both sides are willing to talk. And so, it's not impossible for me to hold a 30-minute conversation with a stranger I've just met. Or to get a girl to the bed after getting to know her that day without lying or being (at least consciously) manipulative. A good advice regarding this I read often on the NMMNG forums is: "Do not try to "friend" a woman into bed." It's a narrow window in which one gets to hold and think about what to do next when considering dating a woman. I even think that it's not worth it to try and "think" the way to the woman, even if one gets a respite in the meanwhile. It's either there or it's not. There's millions. Get over it. A deeper idea is that the actual choice of a woman is not conscious at that moment either. Where consciousness comes to play here is BEFORE the interaction - how I decide to orient myself in the world in general. Like attracts like. The woman "knows" regardless of what I do and I "know" regardless of what she does. And maybe the "knowledge" detectors are off and need updating every now and then through failure and the gain of experience. My long-term choice of woman is therefore always aligned with my life. Related to the idea is a running joke I made about myself. I often mention that "I miss the female first graders.", because the dorm is halfway empty nowadays. I thought about why I say it. I believe I genuinely want to go out and meet new people and see what am I made of and what are they made of. The "better" I get in the life, the less women I will be able to choose from, because the number of women who get "better" decreases, but I will actually be less dependent on my interactions with them, because I will have a stronger and stronger foundation in myself. When two people are in a relationship, there is no "better" person, neither when it's going well and neither when it's going poorly. I get what I deserve. Strangely enough, I had a chat over Internet with "Girl M" recently and I think it was one of the better ones. What I learned from "Girl L" is that sharing a difficult past is not a unifying element by default. Everybody has a difficult past. It's the attitude towards it and what am I willing to take from it. She chose to wallow in it and relive it, I chose to learn (at least a bit) from it and change my present. And she is actually honest about her past, she doesn't lie; it's just that she is searching for the embodiment of god, wants to get subjugated by all means and she will do anything for that. I do not want to play that role, so I chose not to.

Day 567: I checked out a part of the seminar for writing the bachelor thesis, did the laundry, did the groceries, went through mails and taught English for 4 hours afterwards. Day 568: I took my car to the service to fix the lights and change the tires, watched the rest of the bachelor thesis seminar, worked through mails, read a bit about FIRE (Financial Independence, Retire Early) and renting apartments, had an English class, sorted out some things regarding my phone, put up my drums for sale on the Internet, played chess with the Taiwanese girl and chatted with friends. Day 569: I taught for 4 hours, had lunch and cooked, went for a walk and to the shop, took a nap and I've just returned from the shower. --- I've been in contact with the Taiwanese girl for about a month. We chat daily through Internet and we go for a walk or play chess every few days. I like her. I think I would've already made the move to date her if I knew she was going to be around for more than a few months before going back home to Taiwan. Alas, it sometimes sucks to know what I want. It is what it is. I feel hopelessly out of time. With the English classes I had the past two weeks, I make the same amount of money in about half the time most averagely-paid people do, but it's still challenging for live with some 20 hours of teaching + paperwork, as I'm not used to it yet. It also connects to me falling behind on university stuff which I am not a fan of. Spending a somewhat stressful/weird/lazy weekend at my parents' house didn't help either, together with the fact I ejaculated 4 times in the past 7 days. To end it on a good note, today is my name-day and several people remembered it and wrote to wish me well 🙂

Day 564: I watched "Whiplash", wrote here, had an uni lecture, had English classes and I played chess in the evening with a friend. Day 565: I had classes in the morning, transported my drums back to my parents' house, played Scrabble with mom and started charging the battery of my car. Day 566: I had classes in the morning, played Scrabble with mom, go back home, went for a run, watched a TED talk with Daryl Davis and prepared for the next week. --- Whiplash is an interesting film. While watching it, I thought that I would be a good drummer if I tried half of the amount the youngster did. I actually had respect for the brutal teacher and perhaps forty years from that point the cycle would repeat again, where the youngster would become the teacher. It still doesn't change the fact that people who are this all-out on one thing are psychos, because they measure the world by that single thing only. "Girl L" wrote me yesterday. I was initially surprised that she did so, but since she did, I wasn't surprised by the content of her messages. I left it at that if she wants to talk, then we'll do it in person and that's probably after the dorms are functioning normally and CV measures are dampened. There's zero reason to be in contact with her otherwise. I had to charge the battery in my car overnight, so I spent about 27 hours at my parents' house in a row. My mom is a still bit out of it; she felt fairly melancholic and hardly ever smiled. I don't know if it's the general atmosphere, my parents, me or whatever else, but I felt increasingly worse the more time I spent there. I felt as if I was a little kid again that had nothing to do than to lounge around and feel miserable about himself, even though I had stuff to do and research. I think my quality of life is incomparably better since I started living on my own and this weekend only proved it to me time again.

I hope all is well with you and yours.