Ikar

February 20, 2022

6th Feb - 19th Feb:

I can't exactly say that anything important happened these past two weeks. I spend time with the Georgian girl basically daily, although I sometimes meet other friends as well. The university started again and the responsibilities have been quite busy - next week I have 27 hours of English teaching planned and 8 hours of university classes. I managed to go for a walk or to the gym a few times. I'm also helping grandma with a new phone and I got my tax papers done.

February 13, 2022

6th Feb - 13th Feb:

I don't think there's been anything noteworthy happening this week. In fact, I rather feel that I should start filing my tax report instead of thinking what to write here.

February 7, 2022

I'm aware I haven't been around writing much in the last few months. For comparison, my diary has pages 1-17 for 2019. 2020 has pages 18-36. 2021 has pages 37-42. I'll use this post as a repository for all the bigger summaries I've done. I actually haven't done one in 18 about months, though for those 18 months I did monthly reports. I'm gonna think of one now in a post below.

February 7, 2022

On 1/28/2022 at 7:58 PM, BooksandTrees said:

Glad to hear you found out. I had a similar issue with major depressive disorder and medication helped.

On 2/1/2022 at 11:28 AM, Amphibian220 said:

You won’t have to manage this the rest of your life. Your character is always changing the more work you put into it.

don't give me that negative outlook Jay, I’ll have none of it.

If you’re using it as an escape, then Don’t go to board games, get into the fight. How is your job, your family? What were your achievements man?

On 2/6/2022 at 11:35 PM, seriousjay said:

Pretending a mental health illness isn't a mental health illness doesn't a) not make it a mental health illness and b) make it go away.

I'm actually more positive and mature now than I have ever been.

I'm not using it as an escape. Rather, I am accepting that I have limitations because of a disorder that I have and I'm doing things in my life to set myself up for success in spite of it.

You should know that people have told me the things you're telling me, and it was destructive because it was distracting from the actual issue at play. Some cultures barely recognize mental health illnesses as a thing and people commit suicide every year because of it. They have issues that aren't their fault but they are told they are lazy, stupid, etc. and eventually give up. Exactly like I was told.

It's actually interesting that both of you old-timers have found out that it was not only gaming addiction that hampered your life, but that I'd say parallel to it, was a disease causing symptoms of its own. I think there's some merit to the rhetoric that @Amphibian220 is using and that it can work well, primarily on some singular issues or challenges, but if that approach fails a few times, it's worth thinking whether the issue is not somewhere else. Plus try-hard perseverance can be detrimental, especially while focusing on the wrong thing and while others are pushing you to do it. Right things have to be done for the right reasons, otherwise the things that are done don't matter.

February 5, 2022

I'm using the template I used the last time. 22/12/21 - 05/02/21

"L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term.

I added "Future goals/direction" to better reflect on the things I am trying to do and to add specificity. I will copy it and stick it somewhere where I can see it to remind myself whenever I feel aimless. I will also use different colors: blue for newly added goals/habits, green for completed/successful, orange for ongoing/some progress and red for ones I haven't worked on in that period.

---

Active writing (blog/writings/journal):

L: I wrote a draft of an article the last week, though so far it's very disorganized. I started writing here in a new format, so I focus only on the most important events of the week.

T: I can't say I've written anything in the last months. All I've done was to work on a few uni projects that required us to write something, however I haven't actually written anything on my blog or in my uni paper. That's not necessarily bad; I'm just stating how things are.

Possible direction/goals:

Write on my blog.

Keep writing in my diary here twice/once a week.

Books/Reading articles:

L: I've not been reading anything much, only the occasional newsletter. I only watched a few lectures with Thomas Sowell.

T: I realized I actually do read quite a bit, it's mostly just not books. I'm currently reading one book on sex, but overall during the month I've gone through many articles on history, finance and current events, as well as my newsletters. I've actually decided to block one news outlet that I think I was reading too much for no real gain. Now I follow "Portal:Current events" on Wiki, where I can easily see world-wide news and access information without much bias.

Possible direction/goals:

Continue getting through the newsletters.

Family:

L: Outside of the situation where I visited my grandma to get my composure back at the beginning of the month, I don't think there have been any special occasions in or around my family.

T: I got us a board-game on Christmas that we sometimes play together during the weekends. I'm also helping my grandma to transition to a new phone operator and my brother helped me regarding some settings of my bike. It's a bit of a rare occasion, but I am not visiting my parents this weekend, because my father contracted CV a few days ago. My brother had an inconclusive test, but I am negative, so I'm visiting my grandma tomorrow.

Possible direction/goals:

Continue working on bettering the relationships with my family.

University:

L: I wouldn't have thought so at first, but working on the collaborative assignments has been a crap-shoot. I'm not particularly happy with their outcomes, although they are/were done sufficiently enough to get by. I'm happier with my own work and assignments and it seems I might not even have an exam this semester in the classical sense.

T: As I had guessed, the exam term ended for me by handing in some writing at the beginning of January, yet for most people it ends today, so I haven't really done much in the last month. I contacted one of the profs to be my tutor for my project/thesis. I also take part in our geography student's group, though we're not too active at the moment.

Possible direction/goals:

Find more sources for my upcoming masters' thesis.

Work on the assignments in a timely manner.

Exercise/movement:

L: This month has been slower, yet every week I went at least once for a walk and at least once to the gym.

T: It's been about the same this month.

Possible direction/goals:

Keep in shape.

English:

L: The number of classes has been around the same. In case I lose some courses, I won't replace them, as I think it might be more useful to learn to use my free time better than I do now and I can't just work to pass most of my time.

T: I worked around 110 hours this month; 65 and 30 for language schools and 15 for my private students.

I also visited my English teacher-friend and asked him about his history when it came to teaching English. He said that he started teaching when he was 26, started his own courses when he was around 35 thanks to recommendations and had these ever since. He is now around 50 and he started teaching at high school a few months ago for a change of pace.

The meeting helped me soothe some anxiety over the fact I am not advancing as fast as I'd like to when it comes to teaching. Regardless, I've recently made the effort to ask my students for recommendations to a) the respective language schools, b) on my website and c) on Google Maps. It can help me leverage my position regarding the language schools as well as to attract more private students.

I'm also gonna attend an interview and another to re-negotiate my salary, once all the reviews I from my students are in. I received some information that I could use to my advantage, so I'm gonna work on that in the next few weeks.

Possible direction/goals:

I'm also gonna attend an interview and another to re-negotiate my salary, once all the reviews I from my students are in. I received some information that I could use to my advantage, so I'm gonna work on that in the next few weeks.

Look into strategies in becoming truly self-employed by skipping the agencies in between.

I am going to pursue closer co-operation with my English mentor.

I am going to check out a few more seminars on how to run online courses. / English research

Women/dating:

L:

Spoiler

I learnt that perhaps I do not have as hard-core of a monogamous mentality as I thought I would have. I'm also probably more aware than ever that everybody is fucked up, including myself. There are a few women I could think of in the romantic plane in my area. I don't think it makes much sense to be writing about specific women though. I came to the realization that planning in this area is usually cumbersome and counterproductive.

I cut one of the relationships, did sex and I'm keeping my eyes peeled.

I was predicting the change in my sexual mindset and behavior for a long time. I behaved and acted in line with it. I just needed the reality to catch up on it; similarly to that when I was gaming, I got fired from the post office several days after I quit gaming, because most of my (unsatisfactory) work there was done when I was still gaming.

In the past, I believe I looked at the more obvious sexual displays of others with both distaste and envy at the same time. Especially when I thought that I have no other option than to sit and do nothing or to get drunk and hope that something happens. It just took some time to internalize that the thing standing between me and a good (even if only sexual) relationship with a woman is... me.

As long as there are two consenting adults, whatever goes. Whether it's a good idea or not is another question (given the circumstances), but I won't villanify that behavior a priori anymore.

That said, a horrible relationship is better than none at all. The cataclysmic end of my last one was likely the trigger for me to quit games for good. Nothing is forcing anyone to stay and die in a horrible relationship, except the lack of options in one's head. (December)

I learnt a lot about the sexuality of women over the past few weeks by spending time with the Spanish girl. I learnt a bunch about my sexuality as well. I also learnt relationships can be more nuanced. It's been a great learning experience so far. (January/February)

I've spent about two months with the Spanish girl and this morning she left home for three weeks, after which she should come back. I feel that she's into me, that she cares about me and that she doesn't want to lose me (be it to another relationship or due to some quarrel between us, though I find the latter less likely), though at the same time I feel we both want to assert ourselves to leave other options available. In my case to find someone more "permanent" to date/be together with, because I know she'll be gone in the summer. In her case it's different relationship philosophy and uniqueness of every relationship.

To explain that further, she actually encouraged me to meet other girls to see what might come out of it, which is generally something I am not 100% confident at and could use some practice in. Regardless, despite our differences, I feel that we're willing to respect each other and not argue about them. (March)

We had a few talks together with the Spanish girl and decided we wouldn't carry on with the sexual element in our relationship. It was the first time for her trying to amalgamate sexual and affectionate relationship into one and the second time for me. I decided to take her for her word and not to push her into something she doesn't want or isn't sure about. I sensed/noticed that it's not the first time she's having difficulty in continuing the relationship in the current setting. I think that a part of good relationship is the ability to respect "no" as a "no" and it's definitely one of the things I want in all my relationships that go deeper.

I'm actually somewhat surprised by how romantic the relationship has come to be. I think we are both considerate of each other and already value each other to go through this in an abrupt or otherwise bad way. I feel a sense of loss in a way, but I think various factors chimed in to dampen it. Besides, I have learnt a lot about various sexual topics and I grew more confident in this regard. It's very liberating to be playful and inventive too!

This one is actually only a few days old, but I do feel attracted to one girl and I want to have sex with her, although I don't think something long-term could come out of it due to the factual differences that we have. Hooray for being human! (April)

We've been flirting and dancing around around with the girl from April. I told her we're gonna do something together after I am done with the finals and I want to keep that promise. I'm not 100% sure if it's the right move, but I'm gonna take the opportunity regardless. (May)

There are some situations with the girl where we do get close, although from some situations I also understand that I don't want to be too closely involved with her and neither does she. Though I like her physically and I think she's aiming at good things in life, I feel she constantly needs to put herself in messy/highly emotional situations and states. I can joke about it and laugh it off with her as her friend, but it'd be very different if I decided to be a more unpredictable variable in her life.

That doesn't mean random and unpredictable sex can't happen. The last week I had sex with a friend from the dorms I've known for over a year. We were both tipsy, though I think we were both surprised how that evening ended up happening.

I've been having thoughts about the time with the Spanish girl, meaning there could still be something I need to decode. I didn't talk to her before she left to Spain about a month ago and nor I gave her the letter I wrote and planned to give her. Regardless, I've thought about the topic myself. I found that the main idea is to take it as it is, regardless of what the reasons of her sudden April "cut" were. I also believe that sometimes the more loving and more courageous decision is to walk away to prevent more hurt and pain, whether due to toxicity (my X) or time constraints (Spanish girl?). One of the things that "got" me closer together to her was the care. She really did care for me as my mom or grandma would, which I noticed when she was adamant about the fact I needed to see the doctor. The fact that we could also agree to disagree was amazing as well. Lastly, she did catalyze more effort from my side to get to know my family better and closer.

Talking to one of my friends, she said the average masturbation for her is better than the average sex. I found that quite surprising, as I've never thought that would be the case for anyone.

To end on a good note, I met an interesting girl yesterday in the evening and wrote her on Messenger today. I really should meet even more new people. We'll see what comes out of this. (June/July)

I noticed that I am thinking more outside of my head about this topic and around friends which is good. (August/September)

I'm fairly positive I am making progress in this area. It's really only about having the guts to say hi and then making the ask to meet. It needs to become the routine, if I want to have some control over this aspect of my life. The end-result doesn't actually matter. And I'm aware I will make mistakes, get myself in stupid situations, get used and whatnot, but it's all in the game. I'm fairly adamant and determined in this. I've done a lot of scouting recently, so I got some "hard data" on a few girls I was interested in. (September/October)

To put a real example here, I'm currently making an effort to find dates and a girlfriend. I met a girl last Monday, had a good chat with her for a while, wrote her to meet up and she agreed. Five minutes into the second meeting, I found out she had a boyfriend, yet I didn't just turn around on my heel, as I promised her a walk around the city she doesn't know. I spent some two hours with her, had a good conversation with her, found out she's a good speaker and discussed some views on philosophy and politics.

The advice I could take from this regarding my dating life: Be more aware of social situations when I am first interacting with a girl I like and be better at scouting to find out whether she's already seriously dating someone or not. Then again, I got something I wasn't expecting but is valuable as well: thinking about reconsidering some of my life views through a good debate.

All in all, it's impossible to answer the question: Was it a success or a failure? Well, It depends on how I choose to look at it. (Oct/Nov 21)

I've been meeting one girl for about a month now, both in a planned way but also running into her randomly. She seems shy, a maverick/lone-wolf to a great extent, but also quite honest. I think it's gonna be interesting. Gonna meet her on Monday and do something together again. (Nov)

So I've been out a few times with the Georgian girl I met at the beginning of October. She's fun to be around, likes my analytical mind and so we sometimes grapple intellectually. She's also kind and I'd argue more compassionate then I am. We're gonna plan something together the next week too. I'm fairly unaware about where this is going, so I'm leaving this go its own way. The only thing that's for sure is that she leaves at the end of January.

What I've been probably happiest about that this area of my life seems to have some traction, as I felt there was none during the summer until the end of September. What's also worth noting is that this one of the areas with the most shades of gray and trial and error I've been in. I can absolutely not plan for an outcome. It's as much about knowing the other person as it is about knowing myself. (Jan)

T: Things have been going pretty well with the Georgian girl. She's gonna stay here until June and I myself might go to Germany for Erasmus in April, if the situation permits. It's nice to have somebody close to me to share things and try new things with every now and then. She's intellectually bright and can challenge me on a few things, so she also gives me the mirror sometimes.

She's also good at English and had some interviews already. She negotiated even a bit higher rate than I did. She actually gave me the impulse to revisit the payment I get from language schools this early.

Possible direction/goals:

Set up at least two dates a month.

-----

Additional thoughts/activities:

This proved to be true and I welcomed this - I will factually have more time next month for other activities, as there are likely no exams for me during the exam term and I do not have to attend any classes.

My personal finance hobby has resurfaced once again. I made a new brokerage account, did a lot of reading and made a few calculations in one software. I calculated that my savings rate for 2021 averaged around 50% and that I doubled my net worth over the course of 2021 compared to 2020.

January 31, 2022

20th Jan - 31st Jan:

gym/exercise number: 1

I went for a trip to another city with the Georgian girl to see some sights the last weekend.

I also pondered how to best invest my money, using a new broker Interactive Brokers alongside Degiro.

My Erasmus application is also still in the works. My brother and I have also worked to put my bike into condition again, now that the weather might permit cycling without snow/ice.

And as usual, I've been working and sometimes spending evenings with friends.

January 20, 2022

On 1/19/2022 at 1:26 PM, Amphibian220 said:

Just read a news article about rising video game “athletes”. One report cited that mobile app downloads grew by 50 % and user engagement went up by 20 % during the pandemic.

The number of professional players is predicted to reach 1.5 million by 2025 in India alone. Esports is still in its infancy surmises one “analyst”.

I want to know who is subsidizing video games in these countries. Why are they doing it? Why not get out and practice football, or swimming, or anything that is healthy?

11 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

If the opportunity for money is there someone will always be interested unfortunately.

It reminds me of this timeless classic:

Anyhow, the point is, with the current democracies as they are, having 4-6 years to rule before the opposition is likely to take over the country, that there is no political benefit to making the population healthier. As in the video above, it's basically reduced to the argument of either having 4 billion £ a year or not. Remember all those 80s Belmondo movies, where there are 4 guys sitting in a car and they are all smoking? Nobody cares about the long-lasting benefits of longer lifespan (and possibly longer productive age/work life), if you can cash out now and do something with the government money now.

January 19, 2022

13th Jan - 19th Jan:

gym/walk number: 1 (2 - gym today evening)

I feel again that there isn't much to write about, but I'll report anyhow. I'm spending time with the Georgian girl, teaching English (got a few more private students which is great) and doing some work on the uni project of mine. Some YT video or films about the topics I like here and there too.

January 18, 2022

Welcome back.

January 12, 2022

5th Jan - 12th Jan:

gym/walk number: 3

So I'm back to teaching English after the Christmas holiday. This might be one of the first holidays when I wasn't bored at all in its duration. I think I'm overall trending towards pursuing my hobbies and passion interests more. I seem to value my free time more than my work time at the moment.

That written, I haven't worked on the thesis for about a week now, even though I enjoy working on it. I find it difficult to sit down to it in the afternoons/evenings after my English classes, as I am most productive right in the morning when I have most of the English courses. Some of my English courses that I do for the language schools are actually ending soon, however I do have some influx of private students, so in the final analysis the amount of classes I have is about the same.

I don't have any exams at the university, because I managed to pick only the subjects that are without it. It's somewhat frightening, as that means I will have these exams in later semesters, but I didn't know about this prior. I just chose my subjects the last semester based on how well it will work with my English teaching schedule. I did have to finish two projects in the last two days, though both of them were just a few hours' work.

A few other bits for future reference: social meeting - MK, Georgian - gallery + films, internet mail solved, package sent, mails - newsletters, passport,0 Erasmus?

January 10, 2022

@Nico IndigoI second everything @BooksandTreeswrote above.

I also stopped counting, quite recently actually, but I can't even begin to fathom all the things that would have to happen for me to end up gaming pathologically like I used to. I built up such a network of friends and acquaintances that I hardly ever need to use my journal as my "retreat" anymore when something in my life is not going too well. Usually I just talk it over with a friend and that's that.

The part about acceptance of self is vital. Don't kid yourself that everything will be easy after quitting gaming, but also recognize what was going well for you even while you were gaming. My English would be nowhere near my current level if I didn't have the passion for gaming at some point in the past. I became an English lecturer after I quit games. Games will be forever a part of the path I took.

January 6, 2022

On 1/3/2022 at 5:00 PM, Amphibian220 said:

This forum slowed with a few regulars posting occasionally, I hope we do get to attract and help many more targets of this non stop gaming craze.

It's been like this for as long as I can remember, but it's normal. Quitting excessive gaming doesn't imply using GQ forums or even staying on them forever. Cam did reference there are 2.7 billion gamers in the world and if only 1% get addicted, it's 27 million people.

Anyhow, you do raise valid a point of being vigilant. I think there are lots of (under)currents such as excessive gaming, substance (alcohol, tobacco etc.) abuse or irrational fear of nuclear energy. These are the things whose value is hardly calculable (especially monetarily), but I'd argue these ills are much more harmful to the mankind than the exalted CV pandemic, which however does seem to get the spotlight for the last two years.

January 4, 2022

26th Dec - 4th Jan:

gym/walk number: 5

I've been working on my research/potential thesis. I saw the Chernobyl series. Got through most of the newsletters and some videos. Spent time with the Georgian girl. Started teaching English again.

Happy new year everyone.

December 27, 2021

20 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I think these are great steps. It's nice that you wrote your own draft article simultaneously with doing collaboration with others. I think it helps you identify your working style and what you like or dislike in team members. Good learning experience for your future work.

I think the biggest drawback of student collaborative projects is that there is no given authority. It's hard to figure out how to split the work evenly and so it ends up with everyone being eager to work, but being stuck with no assignment. My favorite projects so far have been individual ones, as I get to organize the work myself and it's obviously something I want to do 100%, otherwise I wouldn't be doing it. My future master thesis is one of these, did a lot of reading the past few days and I find it meaningful.

20 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'd say keep setting up dates but not make them formulaic on dates per month but rather formulaic on emotions and life feeling week to week. Sometimes things vary so instantaneously and change fast.

I'll keep that in mind. Who knows, maybe I already do. I just wanted to keep some objective benchmark as a basis to reflect upon.

You're right about things being completely different in one moment than in another. I keep thinking about the long-term most of the time, so the momentary anomalies sometimes catch me completely off-guard.

December 25, 2021

On 12/24/2021 at 1:31 PM, BooksandTrees said:

Thanks! Yeah, I find that many of us share the same core qualities as humans so I've always tried to be extremely transparent in my findings and thoughts regarding recovery and stuff. Figure it might help me relate to others and vice versa. Merry Christmas and glad you're here!

Brilliantly written. It also reminds me of the quote that we are unique individuals having common experiences, not common individuals having unique experiences.

December 25, 2021

20th Dec - 25th Dec:

gym/walk number: 6

I was with my family for two days. It was actually fairly fun, the gifts were nice and we played a board-game I bought too.

I did a few interesting things during the last week of holiday and surprisingly enough, I do not feel long stretches of boredom. I played some table football on Monday, did some finance reading (I'm creating a new account with a new broker), wrote my monthly report, got through some newsletters and subsequent articles and started the process of writing my (master's) thesis.

I also spent two evenings with the Georgian girl, we did a few fun things and... in the end slept together. As I wrote before, I let things develop their own way. She told me after that she was gonna actually stop meeting me, had I not done something/or had something not happened between us. Good point for future reference.

December 21, 2021

I'm using the template I used the last time. 19/11/21 - 21/12/21

"L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term.

I added "Future goals/direction" to better reflect on the things I am trying to do and to add specificity. I will copy it and stick it somewhere where I can see it to remind myself whenever I feel aimless. I will also use different colors: blue for newly added goals/habits, green for completed/successful, orange for ongoing/some progress and red for ones I haven't worked on in that period.

---

Active writing (blog/writings/journal):

L: I've only been actively writing here on GQ to a few other journals/topics and my own diary. Nothing more than that.

T: I wrote a draft of an article the last week, though so far it's very disorganized. I started writing here in a new format, so I focus only on the most important events of the week.

Possible direction/goals:

Write on my blog.

Keep writing in my diary here twice/once a week.

Books/Reading articles:

L: I've not been reading anything much, only the occasional newsletter. I only watched a few lectures with Thomas Sowell.

T: No books, only newsletter articles and the odd video.

Possible direction/goals:

Continue getting through the newsletters.

Family:

L: The last four weeks, my mom was in the spa and I drove her back home on Wednesday. I told her I see the effort with her trying to be closer to us and I told her that I appreciate it. It's been pretty standard going with the rest of my family. Just wrote my brother to meet up for sushi next week too. I feel quite good about the situation in the family at the moment.

T: Outside of the situation where I visited my grandma to get my composure back at the beginning of the month, I don't think there have been any special occasions in or around my family.

Possible direction/goals:

Continue working on bettering the relationships with my family.

University:

L: The uni's been in full swing. So far, I/we have been nailing the assignments without much trouble. I did a bit of brainstorming with a few people about the master's thesis and got some ideas for it.

T: I wouldn't have thought so at first, but working on the collaborative assignments has been a crap-shoot. I'm not particularly happy with their outcomes, although they are/were done sufficiently enough to get by. I'm happier with my own work and assignments and it seems I might not even have an exam this semester in the classical sense.

Possible direction/goals:

Find more sources for my upcoming masters' thesis.

Work on the assignments in a timely manner.

Exercise/movement:

L: This month has been slower, yet every week I went at least once for a walk and at least once to the gym.

T: It's been about the same this month.

Possible direction/goals:

Keep in shape.

English:

L: I am currently working with 20-25 hours of English per week and I'm not interested in taking up more courses, because I wouldn't have the time for them anyway. I'm also meeting my English teacher/friend every Tuesday in the class, so it's perfect to have the inspiration at hand.

I met with a guy about my age running a very small-scale language school with a few friends/part-time workers, so there's some inspiration for me to do something a little bit different from what I do now.

T: The number of classes has been around the same. In case I lose some courses, I won't replace them, as I think it might be more useful to learn to use my free time better than I do now and I can't just work to pass most of my time.