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Ikar

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Posts posted by Ikar

  1. 20th Jan - 31st Jan:

    gym/exercise number: 1

    I went for a trip to another city with the Georgian girl to see some sights the last weekend.

    I also pondered how to best invest my money, using a new broker Interactive Brokers alongside Degiro.

    My Erasmus application is also still in the works. My brother and I have also worked to put my bike into condition again, now that the weather might permit cycling without snow/ice.

    And as usual, I've been working and sometimes spending evenings with friends.

  2. On 1/19/2022 at 1:26 PM, Amphibian220 said:

    Just read a news article about rising video game “athletes”. One report cited that mobile app downloads grew by 50 % and user engagement went up by 20 % during the pandemic. 

    The number of professional players is predicted to reach 1.5 million by 2025 in India alone. Esports is still in its infancy surmises one “analyst”. 

    I want to know who is subsidizing video games in these countries. Why are they doing it? Why not get out and practice football, or swimming, or anything that is healthy?

     

    11 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

    If the opportunity for money is there someone will always be interested unfortunately. 

    It reminds me of this timeless classic:

    Anyhow, the point is, with the current democracies as they are, having 4-6 years to rule before the opposition is likely to take over the country, that there is no political benefit to making the population healthier. As in the video above, it's basically reduced to the argument of either having 4 billion £ a year or not. Remember all those 80s Belmondo movies, where there are 4 guys sitting in a car and they are all smoking? Nobody cares about the long-lasting benefits of longer lifespan (and possibly longer productive age/work life), if you can cash out now and do something with the government money now.

    • Like 2
  3. 13th Jan - 19th Jan:

    gym/walk number: 1 (2 - gym today evening)

    I feel again that there isn't much to write about, but I'll report anyhow. I'm spending time with the Georgian girl, teaching English (got a few more private students which is great) and doing some work on the uni project of mine. Some YT video or films about the topics I like here and there too.

    • Like 2
  4. 5th Jan - 12th Jan:

    gym/walk number: 3

    So I'm back to teaching English after the Christmas holiday. This might be one of the first holidays when I wasn't bored at all in its duration. I think I'm overall trending towards pursuing my hobbies and passion interests more. I seem to value my free time more than my work time at the moment.

    That written, I haven't worked on the thesis for about a week now, even though I enjoy working on it. I find it difficult to sit down to it in the afternoons/evenings after my English classes, as I am most productive right in the morning when I have most of the English courses. Some of my English courses that I do for the language schools are actually ending soon, however I do have some influx of private students, so in the final analysis the amount of classes I have is about the same.

    I don't have any exams at the university, because I managed to pick only the subjects that are without it. It's somewhat frightening, as that means I will have these exams in later semesters, but I didn't know about this prior. I just chose my subjects the last semester based on how well it will work with my English teaching schedule. I did have to finish two projects in the last two days, though both of them were just a few hours' work.

    A few other bits for future reference: social meeting - MK, Georgian - gallery + films, internet mail solved, package sent, mails - newsletters, passport,0 Erasmus?

    • Like 2
  5. @Nico IndigoI second everything @BooksandTreeswrote above.

    I also stopped counting, quite recently actually, but I can't even begin to fathom all the things that would have to happen for me to end up gaming pathologically like I used to. I built up such a network of friends and acquaintances that I hardly ever need to use my journal as my "retreat" anymore when something in my life is not going too well. Usually I just talk it over with a friend and that's that.

    The part about acceptance of self is vital. Don't kid yourself that everything will be easy after quitting gaming, but also recognize what was going well for you even while you were gaming. My English would be nowhere near my current level if I didn't have the passion for gaming at some point in the past. I became an English lecturer after I quit games. Games will be forever a part of the path I took.

    • Like 4
  6. On 1/3/2022 at 5:00 PM, Amphibian220 said:

    This forum slowed with a few regulars posting occasionally, I hope we do get to attract and help many more targets of this non stop gaming craze. 

    It's been like this for as long as I can remember, but it's normal. Quitting excessive gaming doesn't imply using GQ forums or even staying on them forever. Cam did reference there are 2.7 billion gamers in the world and if only 1% get addicted, it's 27 million people.

    Anyhow, you do raise valid a point of being vigilant. I think there are lots of (under)currents such as excessive gaming, substance (alcohol, tobacco etc.) abuse or irrational fear of nuclear energy. These are the things whose value is hardly calculable (especially monetarily), but I'd argue these ills are much more harmful to the mankind than the exalted CV pandemic, which however does seem to get the spotlight for the last two years.

  7. 26th Dec - 4th Jan:

    gym/walk number: 5

    I've been working on my research/potential thesis. I saw the Chernobyl series. Got through most of the newsletters and some videos. Spent time with the Georgian girl. Started teaching English again.

    Happy new year everyone.

    • Like 3
  8. 20 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

    I think these are great steps. It's nice that you wrote your own draft article simultaneously with doing collaboration with others. I think it helps you identify your working style and what you like or dislike in team members. Good learning experience for your future work. 

    I think the biggest drawback of student collaborative projects is that there is no given authority. It's hard to figure out how to split the work evenly and so it ends up with everyone being eager to work, but being stuck with no assignment. My favorite projects so far have been individual ones, as I get to organize the work myself and it's obviously something I want to do 100%, otherwise I wouldn't be doing it. My future master thesis is one of these, did a lot of reading the past few days and I find it meaningful.

    20 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

    I'd say keep setting up dates but not make them formulaic on dates per month but rather formulaic on emotions and life feeling week to week. Sometimes things vary so instantaneously and change fast. 

    I'll keep that in mind. Who knows, maybe I already do. I just wanted to keep some objective benchmark as a basis to reflect upon.

    You're right about things being completely different in one moment than in another. I keep thinking about the long-term most of the time, so the momentary anomalies sometimes catch me completely off-guard.

    • Like 1
  9. On 12/24/2021 at 1:31 PM, BooksandTrees said:

    Thanks! Yeah, I find that many of us share the same core qualities as humans so I've always tried to be extremely transparent in my findings and thoughts regarding recovery and stuff. Figure it might help me relate to others and vice versa. Merry Christmas and glad you're here!

    Brilliantly written. It also reminds me of the quote that we are unique individuals having common experiences, not common individuals having unique experiences.

    • Like 3
  10. 20th Dec - 25th Dec:

    gym/walk number: 6

    I was with my family for two days. It was actually fairly fun, the gifts were nice and we played a board-game I bought too.

    I did a few interesting things during the last week of holiday and surprisingly enough, I do not feel long stretches of boredom. I played some table football on Monday, did some finance reading (I'm creating a new account with a new broker), wrote my monthly report, got through some newsletters and subsequent articles and started the process of writing my (master's) thesis.

    I also spent two evenings with the Georgian girl, we did a few fun things and... in the end slept together. As I wrote before, I let things develop their own way. She told me after that she was gonna actually stop meeting me, had I not done something/or had something not happened between us. Good point for future reference.

  11. I'm using the template I used the last time. 19/11/21 - 21/12/21


    "L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term.

    I added "Future goals/direction" to better reflect on the things I am trying to do and to add specificity. I will copy it and stick it somewhere where I can see it to remind myself whenever I feel aimless. I will also use different colors: blue for newly added goals/habits, green for completed/successful, orange for ongoing/some progress and red for ones I haven't worked on in that period.


    ---


    Active writing (blog/writings/journal):

    L: I've only been actively writing here on GQ to a few other journals/topics and my own diary. Nothing more than that.

    T: I wrote a draft of an article the last week, though so far it's very disorganized. I started writing here in a new format, so I focus only on the most important events of the week.

    Possible direction/goals:

    Write on my blog.

    Keep writing in my diary here twice/once a week.

     

    Books/Reading articles:

    L: I've not been reading anything much, only the occasional newsletter. I only watched a few lectures with Thomas Sowell.

    T: No books, only newsletter articles and the odd video.

    Possible direction/goals:

    Continue getting through the newsletters.

     

    Family:

    L: The last four weeks, my mom was in the spa and I drove her back home on Wednesday. I told her I see the effort with her trying to be closer to us and I told her that I appreciate it. It's been pretty standard going with the rest of my family. Just wrote my brother to meet up for sushi next week too. I feel quite good about the situation in the family at the moment.

    T: Outside of the situation where I visited my grandma to get my composure back at the beginning of the month, I don't think there have been any special occasions in or around my family.

    Possible direction/goals:

    Continue working on bettering the relationships with my family.

     

    University:

    L: The uni's been in full swing. So far, I/we have been nailing the assignments without much trouble. I did a bit of brainstorming with a few people about the master's thesis and got some ideas for it.

    T: I wouldn't have thought so at first, but working on the collaborative assignments has been a crap-shoot. I'm not particularly happy with their outcomes, although they are/were done sufficiently enough to get by. I'm happier with my own work and assignments and it seems I might not even have an exam this semester in the classical sense.

    Possible direction/goals:

    Find more sources for my upcoming masters' thesis.

    Work on the assignments in a timely manner.

     

    Exercise/movement:

    L: This month has been slower, yet every week I went at least once for a walk and at least once to the gym.

    T: It's been about the same this month.

    Possible direction/goals:

    Keep in shape.

     

    English:

    L: I am currently working with 20-25 hours of English per week and I'm not interested in taking up more courses, because I wouldn't have the time for them anyway. I'm also meeting my English teacher/friend every Tuesday in the class, so it's perfect to have the inspiration at hand.

    I met with a guy about my age running a very small-scale language school with a few friends/part-time workers, so there's some inspiration for me to do something a little bit different from what I do now.

    T: The number of classes has been around the same. In case I lose some courses, I won't replace them, as I think it might be more useful to learn to use my free time better than I do now and I can't just work to pass most of my time.

    Possible direction/goals:

    Look into strategies in becoming truly self-employed by skipping the agencies in between.

    I am going to pursue closer co-operation with my English mentor.

    I am going to check out a few more seminars on how to run online courses. / English research

     

    Women/dating:

    L:

    Spoiler

    I learnt that perhaps I do not have as hard-core of a monogamous mentality as I thought I would have. I'm also probably more aware than ever that everybody is fucked up, including myself. There are a few women I could think of in the romantic plane in my area. I don't think it makes much sense to be writing about specific women though. I came to the realization that planning in this area is usually cumbersome and counterproductive.

    I cut one of the relationships, did sex and I'm keeping my eyes peeled.

    I was predicting the change in my sexual mindset and behavior for a long time. I behaved and acted in line with it. I just needed the reality to catch up on it; similarly to that when I was gaming, I got fired from the post office several days after I quit gaming, because most of my (unsatisfactory) work there was done when I was still gaming.

    In the past, I believe I looked at the more obvious sexual displays of others with both distaste and envy at the same time. Especially when I thought that I have no other option than to sit and do nothing or to get drunk and hope that something happens. It just took some time to internalize that the thing standing between me and a good (even if only sexual) relationship with a woman is... me.

    As long as there are two consenting adults, whatever goes. Whether it's a good idea or not is another question (given the circumstances), but I won't villanify that behavior a priori anymore.

    That said, a horrible relationship is better than none at all. The cataclysmic end of my last one was likely the trigger for me to quit games for good. Nothing is forcing anyone to stay and die in a horrible relationship, except the lack of options in one's head. (December)

    I learnt a lot about the sexuality of women over the past few weeks by spending time with the Spanish girl. I learnt a bunch about my sexuality as well. I also learnt relationships can be more nuanced. It's been a great learning experience so far. (January/February)

    I've spent about two months with the Spanish girl and this morning she left home for three weeks, after which she should come back. I feel that she's into me, that she cares about me and that she doesn't want to lose me (be it to another relationship or due to some quarrel between us, though I find the latter less likely), though at the same time I feel we both want to assert ourselves to leave other options available. In my case to find someone more "permanent" to date/be together with, because I know she'll be gone in the summer. In her case it's different relationship philosophy and uniqueness of every relationship.

    To explain that further, she actually encouraged me to meet other girls to see what might come out of it, which is generally something I am not 100% confident at and could use some practice in. Regardless, despite our differences, I feel that we're willing to respect each other and not argue about them. (March)

    We had a few talks together with the Spanish girl and decided we wouldn't carry on with the sexual element in our relationship. It was the first time for her trying to amalgamate sexual and affectionate relationship into one and the second time for me. I decided to take her for her word and not to push her into something she doesn't want or isn't sure about. I sensed/noticed that it's not the first time she's having difficulty in continuing the relationship in the current setting. I think that a part of good relationship is the ability to respect "no" as a "no" and it's definitely one of the things I want in all my relationships that go deeper.

    I'm actually somewhat surprised by how romantic the relationship has come to be. I think we are both considerate of each other and already value each other to go through this in an abrupt or otherwise bad way. I feel a sense of loss in a way, but I think various factors chimed in to dampen it. Besides, I have learnt a lot about various sexual topics and I grew more confident in this regard. It's very liberating to be playful and inventive too!

    This one is actually only a few days old, but I do feel attracted to one girl and I want to have sex with her, although I don't think something long-term could come out of it due to the factual differences that we have. Hooray for being human! (April)

    We've been flirting and dancing around around with the girl from April. I told her we're gonna do something together after I am done with the finals and I want to keep that promise. I'm not 100% sure if it's the right move, but I'm gonna take the opportunity regardless. (May)

    There are some situations with the girl where we do get close, although from some situations I also understand that I don't want to be too closely involved with her and neither does she. Though I like her physically and I think she's aiming at good things in life, I feel she constantly needs to put herself in messy/highly emotional situations and states. I can joke about it and laugh it off with her as her friend, but it'd be very different if I decided to be a more unpredictable variable in her life.

    That doesn't mean random and unpredictable sex can't happen. The last week I had sex with a friend from the dorms I've known for over a year. We were both tipsy, though I think we were both surprised how that evening ended up happening.

    I've been having thoughts about the time with the Spanish girl, meaning there could still be something I need to decode. I didn't talk to her before she left to Spain about a month ago and nor I gave her the letter I wrote and planned to give her. Regardless, I've thought about the topic myself. I found that the main idea is to take it as it is, regardless of what the reasons of her sudden April "cut" were. I also believe that sometimes the more loving and more courageous decision is to walk away to prevent more hurt and pain, whether due to toxicity (my X) or time constraints (Spanish girl?). One of the things that "got" me closer together to her was the care. She really did care for me as my mom or grandma would, which I noticed when she was adamant about the fact I needed to see the doctor. The fact that we could also agree to disagree was amazing as well. Lastly, she did catalyze more effort from my side to get to know my family better and closer.

    Talking to one of my friends, she said the average masturbation for her is better than the average sex. I found that quite surprising, as I've never thought that would be the case for anyone.

    To end on a good note, I met an interesting girl yesterday in the evening and wrote her on Messenger today. I really should meet even more new people. We'll see what comes out of this. (June/July)

    I noticed that I am thinking more outside of my head about this topic and around friends which is good. (August/September)

    I'm fairly positive I am making progress in this area. It's really only about having the guts to say hi and then making the ask to meet. It needs to become the routine, if I want to have some control over this aspect of my life. The end-result doesn't actually matter. And I'm aware I will make mistakes, get myself in stupid situations, get used and whatnot, but it's all in the game. I'm fairly adamant and determined in this. I've done a lot of scouting recently, so I got some "hard data" on a few girls I was interested in. (September/October)

    To put a real example here, I'm currently making an effort to find dates and a girlfriend. I met a girl last Monday, had a good chat with her for a while, wrote her to meet up and she agreed. Five minutes into the second meeting, I found out she had a boyfriend, yet I didn't just turn around on my heel, as I promised her a walk around the city she doesn't know. I spent some two hours with her, had a good conversation with her, found out she's a good speaker and discussed some views on philosophy and politics.

    The advice I could take from this regarding my dating life: Be more aware of social situations when I am first interacting with a girl I like and be better at scouting to find out whether she's already seriously dating someone or not. Then again, I got something I wasn't expecting but is valuable as well: thinking about reconsidering some of my life views through a good debate.

    All in all, it's impossible to answer the question: Was it a success or a failure? Well, It depends on how I choose to look at it. (Oct/Nov 21)

    I've been meeting one girl for about a month now, both in a planned way but also running into her randomly. She seems shy, a maverick/lone-wolf to a great extent, but also quite honest. I think it's gonna be interesting. Gonna meet her on Monday and do something together again. (Nov)

    T: So I've been out a few times with the Georgian girl I met at the beginning of October. She's fun to be around, likes my analytical mind and so we sometimes grapple intellectually. She's also kind and I'd argue more compassionate then I am. We're gonna plan something together the next week too. I'm fairly unaware about where this is going, so I'm leaving this go its own way. The only thing that's for sure is that she leaves at the end of January. (copied)

    What I've been probably happiest about that this area of my life seems to have some traction, as I felt there was none during the summer until the end of September. What's also worth noting is that this one of the areas with the most shades of gray and trial and error I've been in. I can absolutely not plan for an outcome. It's as much about knowing the other person as it is about knowing myself.

    Possible direction/goals:

    Set up at least two dates a month.

     

    -----

     

    Additional thoughts:

    The Wire is a great series! I'm happy I have finished watching it though, it sapped a lot of my time.

    I jammed with one guy from the dorm.

    I will factually have more time next month for other activities, as there are likely no exams for me during the exam term and I do not have to attend any classes.

     

    -----

     

    SECTION REMOVED - to make the report less cluttered and easier to read.

    • Like 2
  12. 1 hour ago, Icandothis said:

    Happy Monday!

    I have missed this forum so much and I am so grateful for you all. Some things I have been celebrating recently:

    Over 2 years game free! I could not have done this with you all. 
     

    21 months cancer free. Who knew at the beginning of all this I would be dx with stage III cancer. Just had a scan and it came back clear!  
     

    3 months being able to financially support myself and kids.

     

    I have been told that after trauma you feel lost and confused, lose sense of self and how to show up in the world. I am slowly healing, feeling all the magic that once was. Feeling my breath, my heartbeat, the blood in my body. How to feel alive. 
     

    Sending love to all of you and hope this community has a very happy holidays. 

    Perfect! Happy to hear from you and to read you are making progress. Have a meaningful 2022!

    • Like 2
  13. 12th Dec - 19th Dec:

    I got the gifts for Christmas for my family fairly in advance. I even have a few chocolates/drinks for some of my friends.

    gym/walk number: 3

    Passed one test at the uni, tomorrow there's another one, also had to put in some work on a few projects. So far, so good.

    I have no English teaching classes for the next two weeks. I will probably do something creative, hang out with friends I don't see often, maybe go for a trip somewhere... likely the next week, as I have this one already reasonably booked.

    So I've been out a few times with the Georgian girl I met at the beginning of October. She's fun to be around, likes my analytical mind and so we sometimes grapple intellectually. She's also kind and I'd argue more compassionate then I am. We're gonna plan something together the next week too. I'm fairly unaware about where this is going, so I'm leaving this go its own way. The only thing that's for sure is that she leaves at the end of January.

    • Like 2
  14. On 12/16/2021 at 2:53 AM, BooksandTrees said:

    Very interesting analysis. I've never seen such in depth analytics on mood and social environment. I like the graphs. Can you add a legend or key to them next time?

    Thanks! The next time I'm going to do a longer post, I'll try to make it into a blog article too, where I am gonna be more playful and rigorous with the format.

    14 hours ago, Pochatok said:

    Oh, I see! I definitely agree more with you on this point; I do think that there are both negatives and positives to marriage rates and signle-parent household % changing in the recent decades, but I definitely agree that the government should take better care of single-parent households' financial wellness.

    I do think that there are some good reasons for people to avoid marriage, but I also see its benefits. I don't think anyone should be pressured into marriage, and rather government should try to make it more appealing rather than pressure folks into it, and/or support single-household parents better. Ye!

    I think people should make do with what they have and work as if there was no welfare state, save for the small % of people who have some serious disability and are unable to support themselves. It even makes me doubt if there should be a retirement/social security system in the way it is now - going from working 40-50 hours a week to 0 hours a week - primarily because work always has some of its meaning and because the mentality of "I have to work X years of this shitty job before I can retire." is detrimental to mental health. I think it'd be best to have it as a scale, coming in together with the normal salary.

    Regardless, there are very few "outside" projects in life with the lifespan of kids (let's say they really "need" parents until they are 18). I also believe that the typical situation is that both parents love their kids, but the reason they get divorced is because they don't get along with each other. And that they do not get along with each other because they forgot the two of them are the base and have neglected each other for a long time.

    At this point, the welfare state kicks in and says something along the lines of: "Dear Parent, because you have been incompetent in dealing with your personal relationship with the other parent of your child, we will bail you out financially." Now, I'm not saying that there's a fortune to be made in single-parenting or that all complete/nuclear families are heaven on Earth, but that it likely facilitates the lack of civility, the lack of long-term planning needed to raise a child and interchangeability of people (consumerism in romantic relationships?).

    I read about someone famous on Wiki that they divorced after their youngest kid turned 18 and I thought that if I ever get divorced, I want to do it that way. I hope I won't live to find out that this text bit me in the ass 😄

    • Like 2
  15. On 12/13/2021 at 6:18 PM, Pochatok said:

    As specifically to your opinion on the modern obstacles to familial relationships at this age, it is somewhat factually incorrect. Let me just verify some information for you: divorce rates are at ~30% overall in US and declining since 1980s, not 50%, and is lower amongst younger generations (1, 2). And, overall, America's divorce rate is highest in the world (3).

    My bad, I made a hyperbole with the 50% divorce rate. It is true that lesser and lesser amount of people are getting divorced, because lesser and lesser amount of people are getting married in the first place. Article 1 you provided mentions that the % share of people who got never married is increasing as time goes by. Article 3 has nice graphs and I think it's best not to look at the absolute or relative number of divorces, but rather single-parented households and births outside marriage to get to the cornerstone point I had in mind when I made my original comment:

    https://ourworldindata.org/marriages-and-divorces#there-has-been-a-decoupling-of-parenthood-and-marriage

    https://ourworldindata.org/grapher/share-of-births-outside-marriage

    https://ourworldindata.org/grapher/share-of-single-parent-families

    Marriage is an institution to primarily protect the children of the parents and to ensure they get a somewhat fair treatment in case both of the parents are not around anymore (for whatever reason). I don't buy the argument that marriage is there to "secure the love" in the relationship or whatever - I don't need a piece of paper to prove that I enjoy being with my girlfriend or to stop me from cheating on her if things go sideways. The main point is below:

    "Single-parent households are among the most financially vulnerable groups. This is true even in rich countries. According to Eurostat data, across European countries 47% of single-parent households were “at risk of poverty or social exclusion” in 2017, compared with 21% of two-parent households."

    What worries me is the combination of the increasing poverty of the single-parent households coupled with the increasing amount of these. Then, there are two solutions how can the government go about this:

    1) create a rich welfare state to support the single parent families, or

    2) cut the welfare state to the absolute minimum to perhaps pressure some sense into the squabbling parents with the child

    I see the 2) as the more reasonable solution, because it frees up money to be spent elsewhere and it doesn't sponsor the anti-social behavior towards the taxpayer as well as the child. Kids today are (roughly) a 20-year project until they are reasonably independent, so it's nearly impossible for anyone to set up two successful families (biologically speaking).

    On 12/13/2021 at 6:18 PM, Pochatok said:

    Though consumerism (re-purchasing rather than fixing things, like you said) is a common cause for decline in family relationships, I couldn't find any evidence for anti-familial propaganda; at least, it is not primarily associated with either decline in family quality (4) or divorce rates (5). 

    My lengthy explanation above probably explained this part too; the conclusion in Article 4 is that (30 years ago), tearing down the nuclear family will have negative consequences in the future - and since then, I think the West has definitely moved in that direction, looking at the graphs from Article 3. Again, with a hyperbole, I hope I will never wake up one morning to see some TV advert, presenting family on the same side of societal ills such as tobacco or alcohol.

    On 12/13/2021 at 6:18 PM, Pochatok said:

    Haha sorry Ikar, I kind of love researchig from time to time- this is a lot to digest, imo. However, I do hope you'll find this information useful- I learned a lot from these articles 🙂

    No problem, I thank you even. I made a quick careless remark and you called me out on it, so I had to explain what I meant in more detail what I mean by what I wrote. I hope I made my argument clearer now 🙂

    • Like 1
  16. 4th Dec - 11th Dec:

    Finished one uni presentation, currently studying for the test on Monday.

    Finished watching "The Wire". It is a good series, however I don't think series overall are good for me, because I just spend too much time watching them and there are more useful things to be done even if I want to relax or take a break.

    I'm having a cold in the last few days, mostly just a runny nose though, so nothing horrible.

    Went to the gym on Tuesday, going for a walk today.

    I don't think this idea is anything new and maybe I described it somewhere before, but ejaculating multiple times during a few days does make me more satiated and "happy" with whatever situation there is in my life. I think it makes me calmer as well. It's also the creator of zits, primarily on my face, heh. There's something on the proclivity to be animistic in my life and unleashing that sort of energy wherever it is desirable/useful: in the army (exercise, shooting), sex/masturbation, gym and others.

    • Like 1
  17. On 12/7/2021 at 4:56 PM, Pochatok said:

    Family can still be stressing me out at times, and I find it difficult to connect with my sister, which is a bummer 😞 

    Is she actively countering your efforts to get closer or is she just indifferent? It's difficult to keep good familial relationships in this age, when every second marriage ends in divorce and all the anti-familial propaganda keeps telling us we can be everyone/everything we can be and ordering us to chuck relationships as soon as something difficult comes up.

    • Like 2
  18. Alright, no more numbers of days in this journal, just a few sentences/stats for the last few days:

    Gym/walk number: 2

    My German Erasmus application is probably not going to work out. I think I goofed around too much and didn't communicate with the people in November.

    Sold a chunk of my drums, so I have only a few pieces of equipment left.

    Worked on the university project.

    Jammed with a guy playing the guitar with me singing and drumming in an improvised way.

    Turned out the situation with the girl I described above was more nuanced than I thought it would be. Visited my grandma on Friday after work, because I wanted to talk this over with someone I trust and I needed to get my plan together. The case is still active and I'm vigilant. I'm actually enjoying this situation. All in the game.

    • Like 4
  19. 3 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

    I passed my exam! I'm so happy and proud. I'm finally done with it! The joy I'm experiencing is immense. The journey to this point has been unbelievable. 

    Awesome! Enjoy yourself for a few days after all that hard work.

    • Like 2
  20. Day 937:

    I had English classes, uni classes and worked out at the gym.

    Day 938:

    I had English classes, did some work for the uni and had a social evening.

    Day 939:

    I had English classes, went to the gym, went for a short walk, went for sushi with my brother and had a social evening.

    Day 940:

    I had English classes, worked on the uni and had a short chat with a few people in the evening.

    Day 941:

    Today - TBA.

    ---

    So I'm done scouting one girl, found out that while she's fairly straightforward, she's the type to fuck first and unlikely to talk to later. I probably wouldn't have met her again if I trusted my gut after the first time we were outside, but I wanted to be sure because we did have fun after all. I dodged a bullet with that one, because I wouldn't want to be with anyone who is untrustworthy. I'm past chasing pussy for all the wrong reasons.

    Coming to think of that, the only person I put some effort into knowing and building the tension prior to sleeping with her was my X, after about a month via online chatting. With others I just slept with randomly and then talked or built the tension for "nothing". It's a long road ahead of me to find the relationship that I want.

    • Like 2
  21. Day 934:

    I had English classes, worked out at the gym, prepared for my English classes and wrote the monthly report.

    Day 935:

    I went for a hike.

    Day 936:

    I worked on my Erasmus application and I visited my family.

    ---

    Slow days and fast days. Everything and nothing at the same time. The less I do, the less I want to do, especially if there's little/no progress. And the more I feel unfocused during the day and restless at the end of days.

    For whatever reason, I think spending a whole day on a hike and then half a day with my family is just too much sitting on my ass and not doing anything productive. After these activities, I don't feel like working on anything in the evening.

    • Like 1
  22.   I'm using the template I used the last time. 14/10/21 - 19/11/21


    "L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term.

    I added "Future goals/direction" to better reflect on the things I am trying to do and to add specificity. I will copy it and stick it somewhere where I can see it to remind myself whenever I feel aimless. I will also use different colors: blue for newly added goals/habits, green for completed/successful, orange for ongoing/some progress and red for ones I haven't worked on in that period.


    ---


    Active writing (blog/writings/journal):

    L: I've been writing to one friend, exchanging a lot of ideas together, however I don't think there's any novel thought in that I could extrapolate from and write here. No progress on my blog.

    T: I've only been actively writing here on GQ to a few other journals/topics and my own diary. Nothing more than that.

    Possible direction/goals:

    Finish Past Authoring and the whole course.

    Write on my blog.

    Work on "Breaking Free Exercises" from the NMMNG book.

    Keep writing in my diary here twice a week.

     

    Books/Reading articles:

    L: I read a part of Solzhenitsyn's "Gulag Archipelago" I wanted to read for a while. Other than that, just the newsletters.

    T: I've not been reading anything much, only the occasional newsletter. I only watched a few lectures with Thomas Sowell.

    Possible direction/goals:

    Continue getting through the newsletters.

     

    Family:

    L: I've noticed that my mom is making effort to get closer to me, however I feel fairly indifferent towards her. I am not sure whether I feel that way because my brother and I learnt as kids to get by without her support to a large extent or whether it's just too early for me to buy into that she's making a turn to become more family-oriented, but I just don't seem to care so far. 

    T: The last four weeks, my mom was in the spa and I drove her back home on Wednesday. I told her I see the effort with her trying to be closer to us and I told her that I appreciate it. It's been pretty standard going with the rest of my family. Just wrote my brother to meet up for sushi next week too. I feel quite good about the situation in the family at the moment.

    Possible direction/goals:

    Continue working on bettering the relationships with my family.

     

    University:

    L: The uni situation is a lot more interesting now! More things to do, assignments to finish... Some of the classes are fairly interesting and entertaining, the other ones are the same tedium as they've always been.

    T: The uni's been in full swing. So far, I/we have been nailing the assignments without much trouble. I did a bit of brainstorming with a few people about the master's thesis and got some ideas for it.

    Possible direction/goals:

    Find more sources for my upcoming masters' thesis.

    Work on the assignments in a timely manner.

     

    Exercise/movement:

    L: I usually make it to gym at least twice a week, on top of cycling a bit if I have in-person classes and the odd walk if I have more free time. I still feel the back from time to time from sitting too much due to work though.

    T: This month has been slower, yet every week I went at least once for a walk and at least once to the gym.

    Possible direction/goals:

    Keep in shape.

     

    English:

    L: I am currently working with 20-25 hours of English per week and I'm not interested in taking up more courses, because I wouldn't have the time for them anyway. I'm also meeting my English teacher/friend every Tuesday in the class, so it's perfect to have the inspiration at hand.

    T: I met with a guy about my age running a very small-scale language school with a few friends/part-time workers, so there's some inspiration for me to do something a little bit different from what I do now.

    Possible direction/goals:

    Look into strategies in becoming truly self-employed by skipping the agencies in between.

    I am going to pursue closer co-operation with my English mentor.

    I am going to check out a few more seminars on how to run online courses.

     

    Women/dating:

    L:

    Spoiler

    I learnt that perhaps I do not have as hard-core of a monogamous mentality as I thought I would have. I'm also probably more aware than ever that everybody is fucked up, including myself. There are a few women I could think of in the romantic plane in my area. I don't think it makes much sense to be writing about specific women though. I came to the realization that planning in this area is usually cumbersome and counterproductive.

    I cut one of the relationships, did sex and I'm keeping my eyes peeled.

    I was predicting the change in my sexual mindset and behavior for a long time. I behaved and acted in line with it. I just needed the reality to catch up on it; similarly to that when I was gaming, I got fired from the post office several days after I quit gaming, because most of my (unsatisfactory) work there was done when I was still gaming.

    In the past, I believe I looked at the more obvious sexual displays of others with both distaste and envy at the same time. Especially when I thought that I have no other option than to sit and do nothing or to get drunk and hope that something happens. It just took some time to internalize that the thing standing between me and a good (even if only sexual) relationship with a woman is... me.

    As long as there are two consenting adults, whatever goes. Whether it's a good idea or not is another question (given the circumstances), but I won't villanify that behavior a priori anymore.

    That said, a horrible relationship is better than none at all. The cataclysmic end of my last one was likely the trigger for me to quit games for good. Nothing is forcing anyone to stay and die in a horrible relationship, except the lack of options in one's head. (December)

    I learnt a lot about the sexuality of women over the past few weeks by spending time with the Spanish girl. I learnt a bunch about my sexuality as well. I also learnt relationships can be more nuanced. It's been a great learning experience so far. (January/February)

    I've spent about two months with the Spanish girl and this morning she left home for three weeks, after which she should come back. I feel that she's into me, that she cares about me and that she doesn't want to lose me (be it to another relationship or due to some quarrel between us, though I find the latter less likely), though at the same time I feel we both want to assert ourselves to leave other options available. In my case to find someone more "permanent" to date/be together with, because I know she'll be gone in the summer. In her case it's different relationship philosophy and uniqueness of every relationship.

    To explain that further, she actually encouraged me to meet other girls to see what might come out of it, which is generally something I am not 100% confident at and could use some practice in. Regardless, despite our differences, I feel that we're willing to respect each other and not argue about them. (March)

    We had a few talks together with the Spanish girl and decided we wouldn't carry on with the sexual element in our relationship. It was the first time for her trying to amalgamate sexual and affectionate relationship into one and the second time for me. I decided to take her for her word and not to push her into something she doesn't want or isn't sure about. I sensed/noticed that it's not the first time she's having difficulty in continuing the relationship in the current setting. I think that a part of good relationship is the ability to respect "no" as a "no" and it's definitely one of the things I want in all my relationships that go deeper.

    I'm actually somewhat surprised by how romantic the relationship has come to be. I think we are both considerate of each other and already value each other to go through this in an abrupt or otherwise bad way. I feel a sense of loss in a way, but I think various factors chimed in to dampen it. Besides, I have learnt a lot about various sexual topics and I grew more confident in this regard. It's very liberating to be playful and inventive too!

    This one is actually only a few days old, but I do feel attracted to one girl and I want to have sex with her, although I don't think something long-term could come out of it due to the factual differences that we have. Hooray for being human! (April)

    We've been flirting and dancing around around with the girl from April. I told her we're gonna do something together after I am done with the finals and I want to keep that promise. I'm not 100% sure if it's the right move, but I'm gonna take the opportunity regardless. (May)

    There are some situations with the girl where we do get close, although from some situations I also understand that I don't want to be too closely involved with her and neither does she. Though I like her physically and I think she's aiming at good things in life, I feel she constantly needs to put herself in messy/highly emotional situations and states. I can joke about it and laugh it off with her as her friend, but it'd be very different if I decided to be a more unpredictable variable in her life.

    That doesn't mean random and unpredictable sex can't happen. The last week I had sex with a friend from the dorms I've known for over a year. We were both tipsy, though I think we were both surprised how that evening ended up happening.

    I've been having thoughts about the time with the Spanish girl, meaning there could still be something I need to decode. I didn't talk to her before she left to Spain about a month ago and nor I gave her the letter I wrote and planned to give her. Regardless, I've thought about the topic myself. I found that the main idea is to take it as it is, regardless of what the reasons of her sudden April "cut" were. I also believe that sometimes the more loving and more courageous decision is to walk away to prevent more hurt and pain, whether due to toxicity (my X) or time constraints (Spanish girl?). One of the things that "got" me closer together to her was the care. She really did care for me as my mom or grandma would, which I noticed when she was adamant about the fact I needed to see the doctor. The fact that we could also agree to disagree was amazing as well. Lastly, she did catalyze more effort from my side to get to know my family better and closer.

    Talking to one of my friends, she said the average masturbation for her is better than the average sex. I found that quite surprising, as I've never thought that would be the case for anyone.

    To end on a good note, I met an interesting girl yesterday in the evening and wrote her on Messenger today. I really should meet even more new people. We'll see what comes out of this. (June/July)

    I noticed that I am thinking more outside of my head about this topic and around friends which is good. (August/September)

    I'm fairly positive I am making progress in this area. It's really only about having the guts to say hi and then making the ask to meet. It needs to become the routine, if I want to have some control over this aspect of my life. The end-result doesn't actually matter. And I'm aware I will make mistakes, get myself in stupid situations, get used and whatnot, but it's all in the game. I'm fairly adamant and determined in this. I've done a lot of scouting recently, so I got some "hard data" on a few girls I was interested in. (September/October)

    To put a real example here, I'm currently making an effort to find dates and a girlfriend. I met a girl last Monday, had a good chat with her for a while, wrote her to meet up and she agreed. Five minutes into the second meeting, I found out she had a boyfriend, yet I didn't just turn around on my heel, as I promised her a walk around the city she doesn't know. I spent some two hours with her, had a good conversation with her, found out she's a good speaker and discussed some views on philosophy and politics.

    The advice I could take from this regarding my dating life: Be more aware of social situations when I am first interacting with a girl I like and be better at scouting to find out whether she's already seriously dating someone or not. Then again, I got something I wasn't expecting but is valuable as well: thinking about reconsidering some of my life views through a good debate.

    All in all, it's impossible to answer the question: Was it a success or a failure? Well, It depends on how I choose to look at it.

    T: I've been meeting one girl for about a month now, both in a planned way but also running into her randomly. She seems shy, a maverick/lone-wolf to a great extent, but also quite honest. I think it's gonna be interesting. Gonna meet her on Monday and do something together again.

    Possible direction/goals:

    Set up at least two dates a month.

     

    Friends (men/women):

    L: A few guys and I formed a gym group, for which I am fairly happy and they're a good bunch to talk to, joke around and hang out with.

    T: One of the guys I've met at the geographers' meetup was quite interesting and I think we had good connection, although we're not gonna see very often, because we live in different cities. Made some time to meet in a coffee shop with one of my female friends too.

    Future goals/direction:

    -

     

    -----

     

    Additional thoughts:

    The Wire is a great series!

    The geographers' meeting was nice, though nobody has any idea when will the next one be.

     

    -----

     

    SECTION REMOVED - to make the report less cluttered and easier to read.

    • Like 1
  23. Day 938:

    I did the laundry, worked on a school project, prepared for English classes, wrote here and met with a friend in the evening.

    Day 939:

    I worked on a school project, visited my family and played billiard in the evening.

    Day 940:

    I had English classes, uni classes and went for a walk with a friend.

    Day 941:

    I had English classes and a social evening.

    Day 932:

    I picked my mom up from the spa, spent some time with my family and did some minor things during the rest of the day.

    Day 933:

    I had English classes, washed the dishes and went to an English speaking event in the evening for a while.

    Day 934:

    Today - TBA.

    ---

    I've been feeling fairly lazy the past week or so, but after I finish my classes this afternoon, I'm gonna work out, work on the monthly report and do preparation for English classes the next week.

  24. On 11/15/2021 at 3:05 PM, BooksandTrees said:

    What's got you going to porn even though you're in a relationship? I noticed my pirn usage dropped to historic lows for me since building a relationship. 

    I haven't watched anything resembling porn for a long time either. It just feels the more I am in the real world, the less I need to fantasize about unreal things. I've actually always found the idea of porn kinda funny, thanks to the disjointed concept of those situations.

    On 11/16/2021 at 5:11 AM, Pochatok said:

    Hmmm, I do agree with your last point quite a bit, but it doesn't motivate me enough most of the time lol. These past few months I've discovered that in order for me to fully be interested in something, it has to have a strong purpose in my life- a set of goals, aspirations, and a deep understanding of the subject. Else, I don't feel like it really "matters". There are downsides to this thinking, but it offers some valuable benefits. I think that your thinking process is highly beneficial too, just not for my lazy butt lol. 

    I mean, if I am driven to do something, I don't need goals or some arbitrary metrics to measure it - I just do it. I'm really not a fan of planning anything else besides my work-time. I think it's all good, as long as I don't end up overdoing something.

    On 11/15/2021 at 3:08 AM, Pochatok said:

    Gonna let out some steam, so feel free to skip this lol. I was having dinner with my partner and their friends, and one of them (let's name them Ruby) seemed to be not feeling well. Now, they are younger than me and my partner, and are not yet fully understanding the how-to's of taking care of other people. They asked Ruby just once how they were feeling, and after getting a mild "okay" they proceeded with their own business. I just felt really uncomfortable, because it was difficult to see everyone having a good time BUT Ruby, and noone caring enough to give them a helping hand. Including me- I wish I got up and talked to them for a bit, because I am really not sure what is daunting Ruby. 
    It's upsetting how easily some people can dismiss others' troubles to avoid sacrificing their own good time. People do say that I am too self-less when it comes to resolving issues like this, but I still feel like this could have been handled better. 

    Just texted them, feeling a bit better haha. The simple act of offering help makes all the difference.

    I can see you are quite a compassionate person from what I've read. I think that I am not - I am more of an honest asshole. Here's my perspective on the situation:

    a) I don't think age has much to do with how compassionate or considerate people are. What can be learnt is to be watchful and observant of other people and notice things about them. Then one can act upon them or let them be.

    b) I take people for their word. If someone tells me that they are doing fine, I believe them. If someone wants me to "extract" their worries or problems out of them, I'm very unlikely to be around long for them to do that, especially if it's someone I don't know closely. On the other hand, I also understand if they don't want to share the problem in a group of people they don't know either, because who wants to be a center of attention for their problems.

    c) People are primarily responsible for their own problems and how do they go around solving them. I believe the primary program for most people is "I want X, so I go get X." and not "I want X, so I hope others will somehow notice the hints I give them and help me get X."

    The bottom-line is, the situation is about YOU. YOU feel better after sending that text and shaking off the unease of not acting on your gut feeling earlier.

    • Like 1
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