Ikar

May 26, 2022

I recently saw an animated YT video trying to explain what "love" is, based on one guy's interpretation of what Jesus said or did in the Bible. He interpreted it as "giving willful attention with the intention to understand someone". This fosters connection between people and creates a bond if done right, unless the person is completely deluded or seriously mentally ill.

Stereotypical romantic "TV love" is mostly focused on getting the other person's attention during some sort of courting process of uncertainty. It's also possible one person does something fairly crazy to achieve that. It's worth mentioning that what one sees as undying acts made out of love, another might see as creepy. Finally the couple kisses at the end and the credits roll, or alternatively the main character wallows in the pain of unrequited love. It's fairly interesting this recipe is often applied for singles, as well as divorced (casting serious doubts on the fact that the first part of the relationship is the most important, as presented).

Regardless, it's just the first part of the relationship that doesn't repeat itself afterwards. It's a fool's errand to try and implant something as intrinsically unstable as this period of courting into an ongoing stable relationship. The instability past the first stage has different sources, e.g. figuring out what to do together or considering each other's long-term values. Not whether the other person likes me.

Pure sexual desire with zero knowledge of the person is not love either. Otherwise PornHub would be called LoveHub. However it's not completely independent, as it's hard to be romantically involved in a relationship with zero physical contact.

All this means that the word is fairly ambiguous. For me, "love" can be directed towards anyone, anything or any activity. There's a sense of devotion, attention, betterment and purpose. It's also trying to understand other positions and points of view. Giving the benefit of doubt, ingrained in the approach of not blowing up every time someone does something stupid (from our point of view).

May 20, 2022

13th May - 19th May:

I spent the last few days with the Georgian girl before she moved to another city. We did a bit of driving, cooking and also socializing. We'll see again the next weekend, at the end of the month. We called yesterday for half an hour and it was nice.

I'm also getting through the newsletters continuously. I am almost finished with setting up the cooperation with the benefit companies. However, one hurdle is that my phone doesn't have the NFC chip for payments, so it can't be used as a mobile terminal. My old phone has NFC, but the Android version is too old for the app. I'm not interested in renting and carrying around a real portable terminal, so we'll solve this another way.

May 12, 2022

I haven't been feeling particularly great mentally today, however I do feel solace in the long-term plans that I have set up for my future. It gives me the confidence that no matter what happens, I'll be able to deal with it.

8th May - 12th May:

I had my last uni classes for the semester and I have two exams coming up in a few weeks. I don't expect them to be difficult, but I'll have to put in the time to study.

I've been in contact with the benefit companies and managed to sign a few contracts already, so I hope this will lure some potential students my way. Pay-gate and mobile terminal solutions are in the works too.

I went out for a walk with one of my friends I haven't seen in a while and did a bit of basketball yesterday.

I'm catching up with the newsletters as they come now. This is actually helpful, because I do seem to have a tendency to explore new things a lot. I'm on YT and Wikipedia fairly often already, plus they're related to my hobbies and interests. I just had to get rid of the baggage of the hundred accumulated mails to get started on reading them again.

The Georgian girl is leaving to another city on Sunday, so we are spending our last days together. We are continuing this regardless.

May 8, 2022

I'm using the template I used the last time. 05/04/21 - 08/05/21

"L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term.

I added "Future goals/direction" to better reflect on the things I am trying to do and to add specificity. I will copy it and stick it somewhere where I can see it to remind myself whenever I feel aimless. I will also use different colors: blue for newly added goals/habits, green for completed/successful, orange for ongoing/some progress and red for ones I haven't worked on in that period.

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Books/Reading articles:

L: I realized I actually do read quite a bit, it's mostly just not books. I'm currently reading one book on sex, but overall during the month I've gone through many articles on history, finance and current events, as well as my newsletters. I've actually decided to block one news outlet that I think I was reading too much for no real gain. Now I follow "Portal:Current events" on Wiki, where I can easily see world-wide news and access information without much bias.

The situation is fairly similar, except that I cut down on news. I think I much rather watch videos where people are having a conversation or explaining something rather than reading or just simply listening without video. I've barely touched the newsletters.

T: I actually went through my 100+ newsletters yesterday to give myself a fresh start on them and to see whether I will keep up with them. I could unsub from some/all of them, if I no longer find them interesting. No books.

Possible direction/goals:

Continue getting through the newsletters.

Family:

L: A few weeks ago, I decided to visit my family every other weekend for the afternoon to prioritize my own issues, needs and wants. I think it's also better to meet the members separately - i.e. meeting my family twice as a whole, plus meeting my father and my brother once for a month for lunch - somewhat seems as more valuable than meeting my family four times as a whole. I also helped my grandma with getting a new phone and transitioning to a new operator!

T: Nothing new comes to mind.

Possible direction/goals:

Continue working on bettering the relationships with my family.

University:

L: University's been normal and the classes I attend are mostly interesting. I haven't gone to Germany, but I am planning to go to Bulgaria for Erasmus after summer. It's amazing how the perception of education shifts once one has a real job and isn't fed by parents, for example by learning to value one's time.

T: I sent the prof the outline with ideas what to write about in the thesis and I'm planning to meet him in May. I'm going to have two exams in a few weeks, but I suspect they won't be overly difficult and that I'll pass with a few days of studying.

Possible direction/goals:

Find more sources for my upcoming masters' thesis.

Work on the assignments in a timely manner.

Exercise/movement:

L: I feel that my "free-time" movement habits are sliding, however I somewhat counteracted that by creating incentives to push me into movement, such as having to visit students within walking/biking distance. I'm really not a fan of going to the gym lately, however I've already been outside with people playing football or basketball, as the weather got better.

T: Same as before.

Possible direction/goals:

Keep in shape.

English:

L: I worked around 110 hours this month; 65 and 30 for language schools and 15 for my private students.

I also visited my English teacher-friend and asked him about his history when it came to teaching English. He said that he started teaching when he was 26, started his own courses when he was around 35 thanks to recommendations and had these ever since. He is now around 50 and he started teaching at high school a few months ago for a change of pace.

The meeting helped me soothe some anxiety over the fact I am not advancing as fast as I'd like to when it comes to teaching. Regardless, I've recently made the effort to ask my students for recommendations to a) the respective language schools, b) on my website and c) on Google Maps. It can help me leverage my position regarding the language schools as well as to attract more private students.

The salary negotiations have turned out to be quite a drawn out process. I'm trying to position myself as best as I can in regards to several companies and to present my case as best as I can as well. I hope the interview I'm having tomorrow will be constructive, as I am also effectively asking for my competences and responsibilities to be expanded.

T: I managed to get a raise from one of the companies, a nice 16% raise. I'm also looking into getting my own payment terminal in my phone and possibly a pay gate on my website, on top of the cooperation with the benefit companies. I might even start my own LLC soon.

Possible direction/goals:

I'm also gonna attend an interview and another to re-negotiate my salary, once all the reviews I from my students are in. I received some information that I could use to my advantage, so I'm gonna work on that in the next few weeks.

Look into strategies in becoming truly self-employed by skipping the agencies in between.

I am going to pursue closer co-operation with my English mentor.

I am going to check out a few more seminars on how to run online courses. / English research

Women/dating:

L:

Spoiler

I learnt that perhaps I do not have as hard-core of a monogamous mentality as I thought I would have. I'm also probably more aware than ever that everybody is fucked up, including myself. There are a few women I could think of in the romantic plane in my area. I don't think it makes much sense to be writing about specific women though. I came to the realization that planning in this area is usually cumbersome and counterproductive.

I cut one of the relationships, did sex and I'm keeping my eyes peeled.

I was predicting the change in my sexual mindset and behavior for a long time. I behaved and acted in line with it. I just needed the reality to catch up on it; similarly to that when I was gaming, I got fired from the post office several days after I quit gaming, because most of my (unsatisfactory) work there was done when I was still gaming.

In the past, I believe I looked at the more obvious sexual displays of others with both distaste and envy at the same time. Especially when I thought that I have no other option than to sit and do nothing or to get drunk and hope that something happens. It just took some time to internalize that the thing standing between me and a good (even if only sexual) relationship with a woman is... me.

As long as there are two consenting adults, whatever goes. Whether it's a good idea or not is another question (given the circumstances), but I won't villanify that behavior a priori anymore.

That said, a horrible relationship is better than none at all. The cataclysmic end of my last one was likely the trigger for me to quit games for good. Nothing is forcing anyone to stay and die in a horrible relationship, except the lack of options in one's head. (December)

I learnt a lot about the sexuality of women over the past few weeks by spending time with the Spanish girl. I learnt a bunch about my sexuality as well. I also learnt relationships can be more nuanced. It's been a great learning experience so far. (January/February)

I've spent about two months with the Spanish girl and this morning she left home for three weeks, after which she should come back. I feel that she's into me, that she cares about me and that she doesn't want to lose me (be it to another relationship or due to some quarrel between us, though I find the latter less likely), though at the same time I feel we both want to assert ourselves to leave other options available. In my case to find someone more "permanent" to date/be together with, because I know she'll be gone in the summer. In her case it's different relationship philosophy and uniqueness of every relationship.

To explain that further, she actually encouraged me to meet other girls to see what might come out of it, which is generally something I am not 100% confident at and could use some practice in. Regardless, despite our differences, I feel that we're willing to respect each other and not argue about them. (March)

We had a few talks together with the Spanish girl and decided we wouldn't carry on with the sexual element in our relationship. It was the first time for her trying to amalgamate sexual and affectionate relationship into one and the second time for me. I decided to take her for her word and not to push her into something she doesn't want or isn't sure about. I sensed/noticed that it's not the first time she's having difficulty in continuing the relationship in the current setting. I think that a part of good relationship is the ability to respect "no" as a "no" and it's definitely one of the things I want in all my relationships that go deeper.

I'm actually somewhat surprised by how romantic the relationship has come to be. I think we are both considerate of each other and already value each other to go through this in an abrupt or otherwise bad way. I feel a sense of loss in a way, but I think various factors chimed in to dampen it. Besides, I have learnt a lot about various sexual topics and I grew more confident in this regard. It's very liberating to be playful and inventive too!

This one is actually only a few days old, but I do feel attracted to one girl and I want to have sex with her, although I don't think something long-term could come out of it due to the factual differences that we have. Hooray for being human! (April)

We've been flirting and dancing around around with the girl from April. I told her we're gonna do something together after I am done with the finals and I want to keep that promise. I'm not 100% sure if it's the right move, but I'm gonna take the opportunity regardless. (May)

There are some situations with the girl where we do get close, although from some situations I also understand that I don't want to be too closely involved with her and neither does she. Though I like her physically and I think she's aiming at good things in life, I feel she constantly needs to put herself in messy/highly emotional situations and states. I can joke about it and laugh it off with her as her friend, but it'd be very different if I decided to be a more unpredictable variable in her life.

That doesn't mean random and unpredictable sex can't happen. The last week I had sex with a friend from the dorms I've known for over a year. We were both tipsy, though I think we were both surprised how that evening ended up happening.

I've been having thoughts about the time with the Spanish girl, meaning there could still be something I need to decode. I didn't talk to her before she left to Spain about a month ago and nor I gave her the letter I wrote and planned to give her. Regardless, I've thought about the topic myself. I found that the main idea is to take it as it is, regardless of what the reasons of her sudden April "cut" were. I also believe that sometimes the more loving and more courageous decision is to walk away to prevent more hurt and pain, whether due to toxicity (my X) or time constraints (Spanish girl?). One of the things that "got" me closer together to her was the care. She really did care for me as my mom or grandma would, which I noticed when she was adamant about the fact I needed to see the doctor. The fact that we could also agree to disagree was amazing as well. Lastly, she did catalyze more effort from my side to get to know my family better and closer.

Talking to one of my friends, she said the average masturbation for her is better than the average sex. I found that quite surprising, as I've never thought that would be the case for anyone.

To end on a good note, I met an interesting girl yesterday in the evening and wrote her on Messenger today. I really should meet even more new people. We'll see what comes out of this. (June/July)

I noticed that I am thinking more outside of my head about this topic and around friends which is good. (August/September)

I'm fairly positive I am making progress in this area. It's really only about having the guts to say hi and then making the ask to meet. It needs to become the routine, if I want to have some control over this aspect of my life. The end-result doesn't actually matter. And I'm aware I will make mistakes, get myself in stupid situations, get used and whatnot, but it's all in the game. I'm fairly adamant and determined in this. I've done a lot of scouting recently, so I got some "hard data" on a few girls I was interested in. (September/October)

To put a real example here, I'm currently making an effort to find dates and a girlfriend. I met a girl last Monday, had a good chat with her for a while, wrote her to meet up and she agreed. Five minutes into the second meeting, I found out she had a boyfriend, yet I didn't just turn around on my heel, as I promised her a walk around the city she doesn't know. I spent some two hours with her, had a good conversation with her, found out she's a good speaker and discussed some views on philosophy and politics.

The advice I could take from this regarding my dating life: Be more aware of social situations when I am first interacting with a girl I like and be better at scouting to find out whether she's already seriously dating someone or not. Then again, I got something I wasn't expecting but is valuable as well: thinking about reconsidering some of my life views through a good debate.

All in all, it's impossible to answer the question: Was it a success or a failure? Well, It depends on how I choose to look at it. (Oct/Nov 21)

I've been meeting one girl for about a month now, both in a planned way but also running into her randomly. She seems shy, a maverick/lone-wolf to a great extent, but also quite honest. I think it's gonna be interesting. Gonna meet her on Monday and do something together again. (Nov)

So I've been out a few times with the Georgian girl I met at the beginning of October. She's fun to be around, likes my analytical mind and so we sometimes grapple intellectually. She's also kind and I'd argue more compassionate then I am. We're gonna plan something together the next week too. I'm fairly unaware about where this is going, so I'm leaving this go its own way. The only thing that's for sure is that she leaves at the end of January.

What I've been probably happiest about that this area of my life seems to have some traction, as I felt there was none during the summer until the end of September. What's also worth noting is that this one of the areas with the most shades of gray and trial and error I've been in. I can absolutely not plan for an outcome. It's as much about knowing the other person as it is about knowing myself. (Jan)

Things have been going pretty well with the Georgian girl. She's gonna stay here until June and I myself might go to Germany for Erasmus in April, if the situation permits. It's nice to have somebody close to me to share things and try new things with every now and then. She's intellectually bright and can challenge me on a few things, so she also gives me the mirror sometimes.

She's also good at English and had some interviews already. She negotiated even a bit higher rate than I did. She actually gave me the impulse to revisit the payment I get from language schools this early. (Jan)

February and March have been pretty good with the Georgian girl and I believe we both enjoyed it. I'm happy that we managed to get the things we wanted to get done together. We will continue to date, until the distance is just too much to bear. She's going to have a more complicated schedule in April with a lot of traveling and in mid-May she's going to move to another city, which is however reachable on a weekly or bi-weekly basis. I hope to post an update on this when the time comes. (Feb/Mar)

T: In April, we've been apart for about two weeks and there's one more week until she moves to another city for the internship. We spent a lot of time together this week.

I've entertained the idea to have a long-distance relationship until I/we are able to be in one place or to change location at will. My plans are to do the Erasmus in Bulgaria and finish the masters at the uni in early 2024 and after that I am completely location-independent - until then, I am to an extent bound in my current city. The money is not necessarily the issue either; although it's usually more expensive to travel than to stay in one place, I expect my financial situation to be healthy. It's not unrealistic, but we'll see.

Possible direction/goals:

Set up at least two dates a month.

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Additional thoughts/activities:

My hobbies are: personal finance, gunnery, GIS, reading about history, English and geography.

This month, I did these cool activities: reading about personal finance, planting trees, visiting LibertyCon, watched videos about modern history and took part in many social events.

April 27, 2022

19th Apr - 27th Apr:

As for porn, I haven't watched it since the day I made my last entry. Neither have I ejaculated until I had sex with my girlfriend yesterday. I believe the best way to control porn is to have a working relationship with all of its elements. I literally had zero thoughts of porn until I came back here to report on it now.

I did some work on the marketing/benefit programs to increase my reach to potential students. I will continue working on it in the following days.

We with my girlfriend went to the LibertyCon in Prague the last weekend. The topics were very interesting, ranging from economics, politics to philosophy. I definitely had some takeaways from it.

I played table football with my friend and we finished 3rd on a tournament on Monday.

April 20, 2022

On 4/18/2022 at 6:51 PM, goodvibes said:

No computer weekends are being very productive for me I even made it go 3 days last week because it just felt so great without so many digital distractions. I had a ton of little notepad notes I am almost done transcribing elsewhere and even got a movie in. I think one movie per weekend is a good goal to keep and I should be careful not to overdo it because it is really easy to let get out of hand. On top of all of this I have decided I would prefer to fast on the weekend while away from computer so I have even more free time so as I figure it I will decide every week weather to fast one meal, one day, or two days depending on what I feel is best.

I think it was Alan Goldhamer's interview by Tom Bilyeu I heard that human blood peaks with BDNF "miracle grow" brain growth proteins after 48 hours of fasting and this protein is promoted to be produced through low intensity exercise and the presence of ketones so it is probably best to eat low carb before a fast. One two day fast per month sounds like the goal for me.

Days without the computer are often the best and memorable ones. Movies and series can be sometimes problematic, though I just find it too passive to watch more than one movie or multiple episodes a day - it's not really my cup of tea anyway. Fasting is interesting, because I remember the one time I did it, I found out I have no way to relax without eating something!

April 20, 2022

On 4/20/2022 at 2:27 AM, goodvibes said:

abstaining PMO is so challenging I had to make a P MO tracker for just P and a P MO tracker for just MO .. MO is so darn difficult to abstain some times.

I mostly only care about cutting the porn. I've been in a content (sexual) relationship for about four months, but now we're briefly apart for about two weeks. I just want to keep my mind in the real world. Even for singles, keeping the sexual mind on the people that are really around them is still the best solution, because it's at least an actionable indicator that this guy/girl is attractive to them.

April 20, 2022

On 4/18/2022 at 11:56 PM, Amphibian220 said:

I never understood why people support football clubs. So dreaming about playing a strategy video game doesn’t really make sense. I could just get out to play a football game instead.

I never understood it either, though I've been told it's emotional, creates bonds between people and that people like seeing people who are great at something and succeeding at it.

April 18, 2022

14th Apr - 18th Apr:

On 14th I decided to go to an English event I haven't attended in a few months, as normally I get up early on Fridays and now that I have no lack of English connections. I met some old faces and even made two new connections with guys to go to the shooting range with next month. Crazy. I also visited a friend's birthday celebration nearby.

We had Easter holidays for four days here after. I did some schoolwork, got new shoes, a gift for the Georgian girl once she returns, finished the outline of my thesis and sent it to the prof, worked on my English business marketing, watched a lot of finance videos and visited my family. One thing that stains it a bit is the habit of masturbating before sleeping, however I am not going to lose my sleep over it (pun intended, because I actually do). I'll do better next time.

April 14, 2022

7th Apr - 13th Apr:

I drove the Georgian girl to the train station on 8th and we'll meet again on 23rd after she comes back from Georgia.

I went tree planting on 9th in an event organized by the university. I normally don't do a lot of volunteering, but sometimes the event fits my style. I met a few known faces there and met a few new people too.

I also nearly slid into a really stupid habit regarding masturbation and a sort of porn (again), but I kept away from it for the past two days. Speaking of which, I do check the news again, so I put them on the blocking software again.

The last few days have been however good for making time to watch interesting conversations with Peterson, Sowell and yesterday I also watched a few videos about firearms. It's always nice to educate myself, to return to my hobbies and to relax.

I also got a 15% pay raise in one of the language companies, so I'm gonna make the other ones follow suit. The negotiations are still going on, though the process is slow. Better yet, I'm gonna explore some ways to do my own marketing during the Easter holiday. That's something I can always work on. I also worked on the sources of my masters' thesis on Monday, so I made progress on that after over 3 months. That'll be also a topic for Easter.

April 7, 2022

4th Apr - 7th Apr:

I'm gonna go to bed early today, as I have been feeling tired all day today. I can't afford to go to bed at midnight and get up at 7. I just have zero energy and the sun wakes me up early.

I met a friend I didn't see for 2-3 months, spent time with the Georgian girl and worked on a presentation for the university today. I also had some communication with the language companies regarding my employment and other options of cooperation.

April 5, 2022

I'm using the template I used the last time. 05/02/21 - 05/04/21

"L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term.

I added "Future goals/direction" to better reflect on the things I am trying to do and to add specificity. I will copy it and stick it somewhere where I can see it to remind myself whenever I feel aimless. I will also use different colors: blue for newly added goals/habits, green for completed/successful, orange for ongoing/some progress and red for ones I haven't worked on in that period.

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Books/Reading articles:

L: I realized I actually do read quite a bit, it's mostly just not books. I'm currently reading one book on sex, but overall during the month I've gone through many articles on history, finance and current events, as well as my newsletters. I've actually decided to block one news outlet that I think I was reading too much for no real gain. Now I follow "Portal:Current events" on Wiki, where I can easily see world-wide news and access information without much bias.

T: The situation is fairly similar, except that I cut down on news. I think I much rather watch videos where people are having a conversation or explaining something rather than reading or just simply listening without video. I've barely touched the newsletters.

Possible direction/goals:

Continue getting through the newsletters.

Family:

L: I got us a board-game on Christmas that we sometimes play together during the weekends. I'm also helping my grandma to transition to a new phone operator and my brother helped me regarding some settings of my bike. It's a bit of a rare occasion, but I am not visiting my parents this weekend, because my father contracted CV a few days ago. My brother had an inconclusive test, but I am negative, so I'm visiting my grandma tomorrow.

T: A few weeks ago, I decided to visit my family every other weekend for the afternoon to prioritize my own issues, needs and wants. I think it's also better to meet the members separately - i.e. meeting my family twice as a whole, plus meeting my father and my brother once for a month for lunch - somewhat seems as more valuable than meeting my family four times as a whole. I also helped my grandma with getting a new phone and transitioning to a new operator!

Possible direction/goals:

Continue working on bettering the relationships with my family.

University:

L: I wouldn't have thought so at first, but working on the collaborative assignments has been a crap-shoot. I'm not particularly happy with their outcomes, although they are/were done sufficiently enough to get by. I'm happier with my own work and assignments and it seems I might not even have an exam this semester in the classical sense.

As I had guessed, the exam term ended for me by handing in some writing at the beginning of January, yet for most people it ends today, so I haven't really done much in the last month. I contacted one of the profs to be my tutor for my project/thesis. I also take part in our geography student's group, though we're not too active at the moment.

T: University's been normal and the classes I attend are mostly interesting. I haven't gone to Germany, but I am planning to go to Bulgaria for Erasmus after summer. It's amazing how the perception of education shifts once one has a real job and isn't fed by parents, for example by learning to value one's time.

Possible direction/goals:

Find more sources for my upcoming masters' thesis.

Work on the assignments in a timely manner.

Exercise/movement:

L: This month has been slower, yet every week I went at least once for a walk and at least once to the gym.

T: I feel that my "free-time" movement habits are sliding, however I somewhat counteracted that by creating incentives to push me into movement, such as having to visit students within walking/biking distance. I'm really not a fan of going to the gym lately, however I've already been outside with people playing football or basketball, as the weather got better.

Possible direction/goals:

Keep in shape.

English:

L: I worked around 110 hours this month; 65 and 30 for language schools and 15 for my private students.

I also visited my English teacher-friend and asked him about his history when it came to teaching English. He said that he started teaching when he was 26, started his own courses when he was around 35 thanks to recommendations and had these ever since. He is now around 50 and he started teaching at high school a few months ago for a change of pace.

The meeting helped me soothe some anxiety over the fact I am not advancing as fast as I'd like to when it comes to teaching. Regardless, I've recently made the effort to ask my students for recommendations to a) the respective language schools, b) on my website and c) on Google Maps. It can help me leverage my position regarding the language schools as well as to attract more private students.

I'm also gonna attend an interview and another to re-negotiate my salary, once all the reviews from my students are in. I received some information that I could use to my advantage, so I'm gonna work on that in the next few weeks.

T: The salary negotiations have turned out to be quite a drawn out process. I'm trying to position myself as best as I can in regards to several companies and to present my case as best as I can as well. I hope the interview I'm having tomorrow will be constructive, as I am also effectively asking for my competences and responsibilities to be expanded.