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rivers

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  1. Hey, sorry for the late reply. Your parents drug tested you? That is pretty hardcore man.. I like hip hop too. I got into it later on when I was in my twenties. That's cool that you are an engineer. I'm glad you made that happen. I know what you mean about embracing life. I definitely try to enjoy each and every day as much as possible. I have always had a hard time with the ladies as well haha. It doesn't bother me as much as it used to but I don't think I will ever stop feeling that desire. Anyway, sorry I don't have a lot to say right now, it's pretty late, but I wanted you to know that I read your whole story. I wish the best for you friend.
  2. Hey Alvaro, you are right, we definitely have some similarities. I lived with my mom growing up since my dad was always in and out of jail for crack I think. My mom also yelled a lot at my sister and I about keeping the house clean. She was an ok cook but she didn't pack me lunches most of the time and I hated the school food so I would often be very hungry at school which probably had an affect on my learning. Then I would come home and eat of lot of junk food before she got off work. The thing I resent most about her is that she never really encouraged me. Instead of sitting down with me to try to help me learn she would just yell at me and punish me for having bad grades. Then she would go and watch television all night. I always wanted to be an artist even as a kid, but when I told her this she would say that it would be very hard to do and instead I should try to become a dentist or something like that. I got picked on a lot in middle school, getting pushed around, called names like faggot, spit on, belongings broken or stolen, etc. I did have a few close friends that were gamers. But then we moved to a different town when I was in high school and that all pretty much went away. I met some guys who smoked weed, and I instantly fell in love with it. I too had a surge in confidence and a feeling of belonging as well. I started listening to a lot of punk rock and really identified with it so I think that had something to do with it. Also I loved to toke and draw, it made me feel like I was more creative somehow. I drank alcohol too but for most of my life weed was my drug of choice. Did you ever finish college? I went for three years then dropped out mostly because I was so tired, stressed and struggling to pass while keeping a job at the same time. Now I am in massive debt so I can't really go back. It's ok though because it means I have more time to work on art which is what I have always wanted to do. I work as a school bus driver now which is the best job I've ever had. I'm super grateful for it but I still want to be able to live without having to answer to someone else. I have no idea if I will ever be able to do so but I figure if I try my best from here on out then at least I won't have so many regrets. Anyway, I enjoyed reading your story, I will keep checking back here if you want to keep talking about stuff.
  3. Hey Alvaro, glad you are deciding to make positive change and being honest with yourself about addiction. I used to smoke weed too, for 15 years and have been gaming for 25 (just recently decided to quit again.) I relate with you on using these addictions as a psychological crutch, to avoid your natural feelings and ignore your problems. I think the two addictions are very similar at least for me because part of me truly does love weed and video games, but another part realizes that the only way to accomplish the things I want to do even more is to cut them out entirely. I am also a very compulsive and obsessive personality so I know that unfortunately I'm just unable to do these things in moderation. It's ok though- I'm trying to look on the positive side and realize that not doing them at all is going to give me more time to do the things that are really important.
  4. There could be many factors that could cause you to be tired. What time do you wake up? Do you get much exercise? Personally I work as a school bus driver so I take long naps almost every weekday lol, but on weekends I rarely ever do as I am able to get as much sleep as I need. I think naps can be healthy as long as they don't upset your sleep cycle so perhaps try taking them a bit earlier in the day.
  5. It's up to you but I would say that if you have decided to stop gaming, remind yourself of the reasons you quit. I wouldn't do it personally.
  6. Thanks for replying to my journal. Glad to hear that your journey is going well. What brought about your interested in coding? I used to think I wanted to learn coding so I could make a video game, but the further I got into it, the more I didn't like it- too complicated lol. I do admire people who can code though as I have always had an interest in technology.
  7. So... here I am again. It has been over a year and a half since I did my first 90 day detox. Shortly thereafter I caved and bought a new game that greatly appealed to me the day it came out and have played it almost every day since, which led to playing other games as well. I still haven't achieved all the things I wanted to do in the game. Some of the big achievements I am actually very close to completing but tonight I decided that I'm done. I don't consider gaming a waste of time because I genuinely enjoy each moment of gaming, and I want to keep playing, but there are other things I desire more. I want to devote as much time as I can to being an artist... I'm not even sure why honestly, but I decided that shouldn't matter. It's what I have wanted to do for a long time in my heart and soul. I have spent a lot of time at it already but I want to commit to it fully. I am tired of telling myself that I will get to it eventually, whenever I finish this or that game. Because the truth is, I will never be satisfied with how many games I have played. We only have a finite amount of time in this life so priorities are of great importance. I'm not ready to quit, but that's the thing.. I don't think I will ever be ready. There will always be more games I want to play or more things I want to achieve in old games. I'm going to do it anyway though. It might sound weird but one of my biggest resistances to quitting is that I will somehow be less "cool" because I never beat so and so game. I realized that this is pretty ridiculous considering that a) I don't even have any human friends and b) the people I admire aren't people that play a lot of games, they are creators. It's sort of like there are multiple different versions of myself inside of my head and one is trying to impress the others. But I know that my true self wants to be productive more than anything. I'm hoping this realization will help me quit. I have a lot more to say but I think that's more than enough for now. Thanks to anyone for reading my post. Peace.
  8. I'm a little over a month without games now. Honestly I don't even miss them that much. I have become much more focused on achieving my goals. I'm not really watching movies anymore either. I did have a relapse into drugs and porn for a few days but I feel that I learned from it. One thing I am realizing is that I am the most important person in my life. It seems silly to write it, like it should be obvious, but I think that for a long time I was way too nice to others when I should have been nicer to myself. I do sort of have one old friend- used to be my best friend back in the day. Sometimes he texts me and wants me to come over for dinner but he has a wife and kid now and is just not the same person I once enjoyed being with. I decided to stop wasting my time going over there when it's not something I really want to do. I am trying to live my life like it is near the end- attempting to get the most out of my time and accomplish as much as I can.
  9. Thanks for the comment James. I actually haven't had much trouble with Youtube (except for sometimes- read next paragraph) since I quit games because pretty much all I watched on there was gaming stuff. I still watch music videos but I don't feel bad about that. What gets me is binge watching tv shows... I recently got good internet which is a blessing and a curse. It can be hard to tell myself I am only going to watch one or two episodes and actually follow through but I am working on it. I decided for sure that I am going to try the no-fap thing for 90 days and see what happens. Whenever I masturbate I always get the urge afterwords to read random articles or watch videos...I think it's because it causes me to crave social interaction. Also I can see how it might decrease motivation. Anyway that's it for today. Gotta wake up early for work tomorrow.
  10. It has been 2 weeks since I quit video games, and while I have been more productive, I still have some more bad habits to break. I have been drawing/painting more which is good, but I have also been watching too many movies in place of playing games. I don't even like movies as much as games so it doesn't really make sense for me to be doing this. I quit games so that I could accomplish more, not just sit around and watch movies. I am setting a limit for myself of watching only one movie on days that i have off and no movies on work days. I am allowing myself to watch one episode of a show per day while I eat dinner but no more after that. I can't just put my computer in my closet like I did with my games so it's a lot easier to fall off the wagon with watching movies, but I am going to do my best. Also I decided to quit drinking coffee. I have about half a bag left of it in the pantry and I am weaning myself off of it. Once it's gone, I'm done with caffeine. Another thing- porn... I haven't completely decided on this one yet... I haven't been masturbating nearly as much as I usually do lately... but I feel like it should stop completely. It leaves me feeling empty inside afterwords, plus it is another time waster. I am tired of working dead end jobs and living at my mom's house and I am willing to do anything and everything it takes to get out of this situation and make a better life for myself. I have already made a lot of sacrifices but I still have a long road ahead of me. Anyway, one day at a time of course. Thanks to anyone for reading.
  11. Welcome John. I feel a lot of similarities in my story and yours. Sending you and everyone else on this site thoughts of strength to get through this.
  12. Hello everyone. I recently decided to quit playing video games. Although I still enjoy them very much a lot of the time, I am unhappy with where I am in life and I want to do everything I can to change that. I am a 31 year old male. I live at my mom's house and work at Walmart as a cart pusher. I have no girlfriend or even anyone else that I enjoy spending time with. I have no one to talk to about this but I think it might help to get support so that is why I'm here. I smoked weed on and off (mostly on) since I was 16, but I quit that 4 months ago and I am starting to get some motivation back. When I was 18 I decided I wanted to be an artist and there have been times of my life when I have worked very hard at it. I have never made money from it so I have always had to have some kind of job. I went to college for 3 years before I realized that no matter how much money I was going to make being whatever was in demand, it would be a compromise to do so, and I couldn't go through with it so I dropped out. That was about 5 years ago. Since then I have been going from job to job until I get so tired of one I quit and find something different, but I am pretty much at the end of the line with that. I am very grateful to have an income so that I am not living on the streets but I know I can't work at Walmart forever. It physically and emotionally drains me every day I am there which is one of the biggest reasons I am deciding to make this change in my life to stop playing video games. I want to focus as much attention as possible on being productive with my art. I have a lot of great ideas and I am tired of them being on the back burner. Often times I use the excuse that I am too tired from work to make art so I just play games instead, but know that it's just an excuse and if I am really that tired I should just go to sleep. I have no way of knowing whether I will ever be able to make financially as an artist, but I decided that I am going to try as hard as I can to do so because it is what I am passionate about. There are some other things I can imagine myself doing. I am interested in science, especially biology, but ultimately art is my favorite thing. I have never been to a doctor but my life has been saved by art on multiple occasions. I very much enjoy games. I have been playing them since I was 5 years old and a lot of my favorite memories are of playing games. At the same time though, I do regret spending so much time on them. I would like it if I could just play every now and then, but I have a very addictive personality that won't let my stop something until it's finished, and after I finish one there is usually already another one that I have in mind. This quality is actually useful if I am doing something productive, but when playing games it is obviously a problem. I decided that this year I would use games to get me through this time of adjustment of no longer smoking weed. However, I am starting to feel normal again and I don't want to waste the whole year. I used to feel like I was unable to create without getting high but I have been drawing and painting sober and I am starting to break away from that association. I recently bought a camera so that I can start making prints of my art to hopefully sell so I have no excuse now not to create. Tonight I put all of my games into boxes and put them in the closet even though I am halfway through about a dozen different games lol. I just decided enough is enough. I haven't decided if I am going to sell them all yet. I do want to try the 90 day detox and see how I feel about it after that. Anyway that's it for now. I will probably report back later. Thanks for reading. Peace- Rivers