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Circadian Rhythm

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About Circadian Rhythm

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  1. Circadian Rhythm

    Maintenance of the PhoenixKing

    Sounds like it's all coming up Milhouse for you! I've just read through your last page of posts and you remind me a lot of myself in that you sound really, really hard on yourself. Take a step back and look at how much you're achieving at the moment and give yourself some credit! You're working through a job you don't like successfully whilst balancing a freelance writing gig (again sounds like you're doing great), a really awesome sounding part time acting role, and even finding time for a new relationship in there while saving up to go see Japan. Even with the relapse this all sounds damn rock and roll to me. Also "Maintenance of the Phoenix King" is the most metal blog name on here. Just sayin.
  2. Circadian Rhythm

    CR - When do I level up outside?

    DAY 6 A bit of a quiet day. I did a lot of reading again. Some guitar practice and some quick exercise. Visited my Nan as I know she wanted me to pop by which was nice. I think otherwise I'm in bad need of shaking things up really. I have my long run to start tomorrow with and need to work out some other new hobbies to add to what I'm doing. I may need to wait until March to really get them underway though with my gig on the 10th and the Half Marathon on the 24th. I was also looking at that trip I wanted to take to do the Inca trail and worked out the costs. It's going to be at least 2 grand. Which is a lot of money for someone who's saving up for his deposit. I've got to decide what's important. A potentially fantastic and memorable trip or doing something cheaper now, and prioritising securing my future and independence. I'm still feeling massively lonely but the positive of that is I have plenty of time to work my own head out,and be ready plenty in advance for my challenges during the week. I took delivery of "Atomic Habits" today so I'm going to read that now before bed. It's not often I go to bed before 10:30pm on a Saturday night but here we are I suppose. I feel like I'm calming down from my emotional state this week and hope I can keep that up. I am grateful for My Nan being in good humour in spirits as ever. Not everyone gets their Nan or even parents around at 26 so I'm lucky. The ability to live in a time where a naive twat such as me can plan for a hiking trip to Peru solo and not have to worry about being murdered. Stumbling across a really interesting radio show in the background by accident surrounding the way history is told in popular culture on radio 4, and it focused heavily on Monty Python - always fantastic.
  3. Circadian Rhythm

    CR - When do I level up outside?

    DAY 5 I've had another very difficult day. I'm massively grateful for the early cut today at work as it gave me time to come home and take a long hard look at myself after yesterday's problems. And it wasn't easy. I've spent most of this afternoon very upset and trying to do as much reading as possible to really reaffirm my values, to wonder whether going back to therapy might be of some help to me or whether I simply need to rip up what I'm doing and start again. In the end, I came back to similar conclusions I always do. 1. I'm being way way too hard on myself for today and yesterday's behaviour. Setbacks like this are a part of the process and when you make mistakes it's all part of learning, and sometimes you need a little time to grieve and get over them. 2. So long as I view the weekend as an opportunity to do some positive things for myself I can probably put myself back on the right path. 3. I probably don't need therapy so much as I need a good support group and to reaffirm what I'm doing. I consistently need to fight my negative self talk if I'm ever going to succeed and have any kind of quality of life. Though I'm happy to consider therapy if I keep feeling bad. I'll leave with this which was one of the things I watched as part of my "reaffirming" earlier. It's a wonderful video from a former Formula 1 mechanic called Mark Priestley. I'm a big F1 fan and being in a sport right on the bleeding edge of innovation and competitiveness requires a certain mindset to be able to deal with failure. To see even the most bleak and negative situations and to see the positive opportunities you can find within them, that you otherwise might not have had. It's a brilliant video and I hope if you watch it you get as much out of it as I did. I am grateful for The aforementioned early cut Marc Priestley's above video for inspiring me to pick myself up and see tomorrow as another day My parents for doing a bunch of shopping earlier in the week, meaning I could have a whole afternoon of resting and uninterrupted thinking time.
  4. Circadian Rhythm

    CR - When do I level up outside?

    Bonus graditude. I'm grateful I've got this as an outlet for a rant. Man did that feel good to get off my chest.
  5. Circadian Rhythm

    CR - When do I level up outside?

    DAY 2, 3 and 4 I suspect this might be a real low point of my 90 days. And really I only have myself to blame. I've set myself certain rules to stick to when it comes to how I'm completing this challenge. And because I break rules and get distracted bad things inevitably happen. I managed my goals Tuesday and yesterday. But last night when my band practice was done I stayed up for another hour and a bit on the internet even though I got home super late anyway. This led to me being late for work. Another rule I have is that because I should be focused I shouldn't be asking anyone out. I'm terrible for just taking women out on dates because it might be fun and they're attractive, but not necessarily because our personalities mesh well. I'm usually quite confident but I think it's made me a bit of a sleaze. Of course I broke it to ask someone whether they were free tonight who works on the business park for another company (we'd talked about it before but it didn't work out). No response of course. Cue me mithering over it, not eating, and now having to skip a running session because I feel like I literally might faint with hunger. Just not good enough CR. This week otherwise has just been an uphill slog of bad news, having clients have a go at me, having my badmates cancel rehearsals at the last minute when we have just 3 weeks until our first gig they haven't even written their parts yet, and just generally feeling massively alone and fighting a metric fucktonne of personal demons just to stay the course. Even with this I would have been fine if I'd just hit all my marks. I only hit some, and I'm suffering the consequences. Sorry word vomit and I don't know how much of it makes sense. I'm just fucked off. I'm grateful for My work for allowing my to not ruminate on my stupidity too long One of my buddies at running club - he gave me some awesome tips I'm looking forward to using My bandmate - the one person that shares my frustrations with my other bandmates. We've written pretty much the whole set together now and without him I'd have been fucked.
  6. Circadian Rhythm

    CR - When do I level up outside?

    DAY 1 Probably a short entry today. My sleep routine sucked. I just couldn't sleep and ended up reading until 2am. Really not ideal. But my day's been pretty good! Got a lot done at work and am optimistic of getting lots done this week. Home meant my recovery run after my 11 mile run yesterday (1:33:40 which I'm bloody delighted with by the way), dinner, some chores and spending time with the family. Even got in some extra guitar practice during my lunch break. My playing's really picking up again now I've been practicing so much for the band and I once again feel inspired by picking it up. I'm trying to get in at least an hour a day. I have some minor concerns at the moment. But overall I'm lot less worried than I was last week. I'm not gonna lie. I've been a bit lonely at the moment. This focus on self improvement is something of a lonely journey that no one around me shares. As my choices have changed I've grown apart from people I once loved. But as I talked about above with @Brian, focusing on that would be focusing on the negative and it'll turn around if I keep working on myself. Become so irresistible they can't ignore you and all that. And my happiness will become more focused on me and less on my relationships with others. I am grateful for The peace I get at work sometimes. Headphones in, no distractions, and I'm very productive. Guitar. I've fallen back in love with playing thanks to the band and every song I hear I want to learn to play. My stepdad for cooking me dinner tonight. Granted I did it in return for giving my brother a lift instead of him but I still appreciate it.
  7. Circadian Rhythm

    CR - When do I level up outside?

    Pretty much. You can't control what happens to you sometimes but you can control your reaction to it. And this is a mark of the person you choose to be. I do consider it. But this is something I find very difficult. So one step at a time really. I'm naturally a very negative person prone to worry and panic. It's taken a lot of counselling and mental health treatment to get to the point where I can say anything like the above. To set myself a challenge and to try to see it through. I do my best to challenge that negative mindset and to see things in that growth mindset. I just find it very very challenging having suffered from mental health difficulties for most of my life. So one step at a time. One negative belief at the time. And the truth is sometimes the rest of the world won't always your negative qualities in that growth mindset. Which is something I try to remain aware of.
  8. Circadian Rhythm

    Onlysoul

    Good stuff man. All these positive affirmations will be the thing that gets you over the line in the end.
  9. Circadian Rhythm

    CR - When do I level up outside?

    LIFE DOESN'T CARE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT IT There was a post I read midweek on Reddit with this as the title. It's something I've thought about a lot. It's the grim reality that we all have to face. That the way you feel about something is mostly irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. Do or die as they say. It's never a realisation that's sat well with me. That there are no breaks if you really want to get what you want. That life is about the momentum you achieve when you don't rest and just do. This is something I'm instinctually going to want to resist tooth and nail but I feel it's something I'm probably going to have to better come to terms with. This leads me back to where I left this journal and why I failed. I allowed myself to slip because I just needed that distraction. The peace from the mundanity of the life and the person that I clearly hate. I think too much. I care too much about how I feel at any given time that it's a distraction. I don't have control. I allow my negativity to dictate my life and I do this alone. So I have to start again with this in mind. There might be a lot that I find negative in my life. But I can control it if I just try a little harder, and I draw my line in the sand again. I'm already doing a lot of positive things this year that I'm quite proud of, and I just need be more open and build to put the final pieces in place. And to give myself some damn credit every now and then. Tomorrow is DAY 1 (Attempt 2)
  10. Circadian Rhythm

    CR - When do I level up outside?

    I appreciate you guys. Both of you @Brian @fawn_xoxo. I'm doing a lot of soul searching at the moment as to what's realistic and what isn't in terms of this challenge. It is hard, very hard. I've ordered Atomic Habits by the way. I have to be honest and say I'm always a little suspicious of a lot of the self improvement community. I feel like there's a lot of snake oil salesmen out there and also people who's goals don't align with mine. I'm not looking to get up at 4am and own 3 bitcoin businesses. I like the simpler things and want to reconcile my dreams with the weaknesses of my own mind instead. My point is that this looks a lot more practical and realistic. And I have to take a chance on something sometime. So thanks! The book gets delivered to me in about a week.
  11. Circadian Rhythm

    CR - When do I level up outside?

    FAILURE To put it simply. I made it up to 14 or so days and failed. I had a big entry I forgot to post as an update but it doesn't really matter now I'm afraid. The release of the latest Mortal Kombat broke me as I watched a couple of videos on it. Since then I've been much more lax on my routine and not enforced things for the last 5 or so days. It just got harder and harder to keep up and I've been dreading writing this since. I've failed and deserve some criticism. Not everything has been bad. I've still found time to start the band I've been mentioning and initial rehearsals and material sounds excellent. Actually looking forward to the gig we have booked instead of dreading it and am likely to go over my guitar parts again now. I've been running a lot (less this week unfortunately) and am still training for the half marathon with another 11 miler ahead tomorrow. I'm confident of more good progress and some decent running times. So that leaves me with what I do about this really. I simply haven't found another relaxing hobby that's stuck and don't know what to do there really. I like reading but for some reason it really often feels like a chore. Like another task I have to complete instead of relaxing. The same goes for (believe it or not) meditation. It feels like a task to schedule in and get through and isn't something I actively look forward to. Without replacing the pull of gaming, web surfing, and YouTube with something equally satisfying or relaxing. I don't think I'm ever going to manage this. I really need to have a proper think about this before starting again and am open to suggestions. Even if that suggestion is "Just be more disciplined you colossal bellend." We can't know success without our failures. And I'll think on this whilst working out how I'm going to start over. I am grateful for The safety net I have. I always have a chance to start over like this and to reflect on my mistakes to try and improve. Some people aren't so lucky, and would suffer serious consequences for having a problem like this. The lovely day I had in London with I friend of mine I don't see often enough. It really helped me take my mind off things today. The Doves for recording this amazing acoustic version of Kingdom Of Rust (attached). I'm just thrilled to live in a world where people can create art that makes me feel like I'm flying
  12. Circadian Rhythm

    CR - When do I level up outside?

    DAY 7 Quick update but it feels like it's been an excellent day! I managed a 17.5km run in 1:37:31 which is the furthest I've ever gone in a decent time. Needed some time to recover after that. But spent the day with more time on the guitar and trying to build up to gigging standard, a lot of tidying up for the week and chores. I've started sorting through my wardrobe and finally sorted out backing up the rest of my computer and my phone. Which has been one of those annoying long term jobs I've needed to do for a while. I'd have like to have done more. But it's a Sunday and I'm happy to take it slightly easier. Discovered a bunch of new music whilst working on my chores and added it to my growing lists. Only thing that may have been a bit of a time waster today was I did about 30-45 minutes of political reading online. Whilst it's good to be informed, with the absolute mess that British politics is in at the moment, and my reading consisting of me shaking my head and still struggling to get my head around the scale of which everything is royally fucked, probably isn't the best use of my time. It just doesn't feel productive. It's not like I'm reading to become an activist or do something with the information. So it probably could do with a rest for now. Right, best put into place the last parts of my night's routine and now bed.
  13. Circadian Rhythm

    CR - When do I level up outside?

    DAY 6 Little entry for yesterday as I didn't get round to it. I think as my colleague suggested the other day that I'm not 100% at the moment as my sleeping has been out of wack. I slept 13 hours straight through Saturday morning which I completely didn't expect after deciding I was way too exhausted to do my 7am run. I'm struggling to decide whether it was that or whether the changes I'm making are just throwing me off or whether I've just felt a bit depressed in the last few days (which always just kills my energy). Obviously not happy with that but I suppose I have to be patient. Positives of yesterday are at least that I got a lot of guitar practice in considering I have that first band practice on Wednesday. Spent plenty of time with the family and got to cook a decent meal. I've also been looking at starting some new projects to do with either writing or photography. I haven't decided yet. Negatives include too much time on my phone. Far too much. I'm not sure how to deal with this yet as I listen to a lot of music on my phone, use it for plenty of positive things like measuring my running progress, guitar tabs, managing social occasions, and every podcast I listen too (which is a lot). I'm wondering whether the next step is perhaps to do things like delete the Reddit app for example and anything that doesn't serve a positive purpose to take more control over this. I wasn't strict about my night routine either but it was much better than Friday. I'll be ready to resume it tonight. I completely agree as otherwise what's the point in doing this right? I'm not sure what they are yet. And I don't quite know what the alternatives are as a relaxing hobby really. But I have to keep trying things (meditation, writing, reading, playing guitar) until something sticks. And make some more restrictions in terms of what I access when online to stop me from 'grinding' in front of the the monitor as you put it. I'll be back later with another update for today but it's been a very positive one so far!
  14. Circadian Rhythm

    CR - When do I level up outside?

    DAY 4 and 5 I'm afraid this won't be my most glowing entry. I've lost my way a bit in the last couple of days. No gaming happily. But it is making me wonder whether I need to extend the terms of my 90 days to other things and be stricter, or whether I'm happy to start slow. It started Thursday morning. I just couldn't sleep. I woke up several times during the night and it got to 3am, I just decided to stay up. Faced with nothing to do and with my libido still silly high, I flicked on my laptop. And was surfing the web until I had to start my routine at 6am. Since then I've just been exhausted and didn't force myself to follow through on my routine the following day. I probably should have been more disciplined about it, but apparently I just found it too difficult on that occasion. The extra energy and new problems I have make me feel like I'm flying too close to the sun and I need to work out how I'm going to deal with that. I can keep this up I just need to find ways of dealing with myself when I get low and things seem impossible like that. I'll keep this short as it's late now but ideally I get up tomorrow for my morning run and build from there.
  15. Circadian Rhythm

    CR - When do I level up outside?

    DAY 3 Right. We're back on a more regular night than last night. So I can write a decent entry and concentrate far more on building new habits. Morning routine still seems to be going really well and I love the extra time I have in the mornings. I still will surf Reddit in the mornings in something of a mindless way, but it's a least during eating and not stopping me from doing what I need to (mostly anyway). This is perhaps something that I can work on with time if I so choose. I feel reasonably relaxed at work too and certainly compared to last week. Again gaming isn't really a distraction apart from musical cues or occasionally I'll think of some reference from a 12 year old game. My distractions seem to be my unexpectedly high libido at the moment, and I'm a bit preoccupied about the odd old relationship or friendship at the moment that I've lost or am teasing the idea of getting in touch with them, just to see what happens. I don't really think that's particularly forward looking in the way that maybe I should be. Some background perhaps, I'm a sucker for an intense relationship or friendship with someone, and if I lose them I get far too pre-occupied with why. It's not a negative feeling per se. I think I'm quite sentimental as a person and think I can always fix something or bring it around. I for some reason like to think about that. I always wonder how people are doing and how they've changed. Even if it's not the best idea for me to contact them as there's usually a reason we'll have grown apart. I miss people freely and easily. That's quite general but it covers a few people. I have plenty of friends now but I'm that guy who wants to try and be friends with everyone. Even if it's a little to his detriment. This is really the downside of having all this extra energy through clean living and a good routine. I feel like I have a bunch of extra distractions and noise in my head at the moment that I don't think I realised I was silencing so hard. I'm curious to see what happens when I have this at the weekend first time and it's just me finding things to do, and having these new negatives to deal with. For now though, I got through the work day well, although I'm flagging a bit at the end of each day, came home, went for a run, and have my dinner on now (healthy this time thankfully). I've really gotten back into discovering new music and comedians like I used to so I'll probably do a bit more of that tonight. I'll get to read a new chapter of my book in a bit. This has been an interesting journey so far. And it's only day bloody 3 eh? I am grateful for My coworker being a laugh sometimes. She gets on my tits often, but actually I've had way worse people to work with and when she's on form she's pretty great for someone you have to spend time with. The mild Winter so far. Last 2 days have been lovely. I haven't had to defrost the car. Perfect. Please continue. Radio 1 for playing Chalice by Donae'o the second I stepped in the car this morning. I might be an indie kid at heart, but I recognise a banger when I hear it.
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