Deku

Haha. Looking back. Laughing.

Stayed in the library until 10 pm finishing up my presentation for Understanding the Biotech Industry. Once I get to my computer I will upload screenshots, I really am quite proud. @karabas I did think long and hard about why I wanted a girlfriend, and I realized that I quite frankly don’t. I’m so busy right now, and my life is going to be in so much flux in the next few years, so having a girlfriend would actually be a big inconvenience. I don’t really need a partner to do stuff with, I have plenty of friends I can hit up and I don’t mind doing things alone. And finally I don’t have a lot of money I could spend on her. But Rachael is just...really unlike any girl I’ve ever met before. I’ve never met a pretty girl who wasn’t basic, and on top of that she’s kind, intelligent, independent and very mature. She really is the one-in-a-million kind of girl a guy is only lucky enough to find just a few times in his life. I just can’t let her slip through my fingers. Goddamn, that hurt to type out knowing she probably won’t ever be mine. But at least I’ve managed to put my thoughts into writing. Maybe someday I’ll look back upon it and laugh at how stupid I was. But right now this is what I honestly believe to be true.

Read the stupid protocol for Mol Bio tomorrow three times, printed it out, pasted it in my notebook, and then reread it again. I could give less of a shit about asking Rachael out at this point, but I WILL NOT be humiliated again in that shitty class. I'm on a mission to get into medical school. I refuse to be beaten by a basic graduate course at a mediocre university.

Officially a month in now! Tough day, was in the lab from 8 am all the way to 4 pm. This grad program is so hard it's become like a full time job!! Even so, had a pretty darn good day today. The flow cytometry class was super interesting (the extra work I did to prep for it last night really paid its dividends in helping me understand the material), and Dr. Abramson once again praised Shane and me for our outstanding project proposal. Lots of warm fuzzies to go around. As I've written before, maximizing my human interactions has been a big priority of my life recently, and I've noticed that a month in talking to strangers has gotten wayyyyyy easier. I talk a lot slower now and I can't remember the last time I stuttered over my words in a conversation. Self confidence plays a big part in that improvement, but one other thing I've found that helps a lot is just having a genuine interest in the other person and their hobbies, stories, dreams, etc. With this genuine interest I can think of question after question to ask, and in the process keep an interesting conversation going for quite a long time. That was the good, time for the bad. Depression still sucks and it's become a lot harder to sit my ass down and focus for long periods of time. My mind keeps wandering to Rachael and that just isn't a good place to be right now. I know it's stupid, but I keep thinking that I blew a chance to be with an amazing girl, and that sucks. I'm actively dreading going into Mol Bio tomorrow. I'll have to puzzle my way through a challenging-ass procedure, work with my monkey of a partner, and see Rachael again. The class has become a literal dumpster fire, and I just don't see it getting better anytime soon.

Man for all my big talk I didn't really get a lot done today. Depression is a real bitch. It's only 10 pm but I'm making the executive decision to hit the pillow now and try again tomorrow, when I'll hopefully be feeling at least a little better. Edit: Couldn't sleep, mind is too restless and thinking too much about Rachael right now. Turned on the light, got up and did some more homework. Barely carved a dent in the mountain of paper that I need to get through, but finished updating my lab notebook for Stem Cell lab for tomorrow, so that's something. Also finished prepping for the Flow Cytometry lesson tomorrow in Stem Cell lecture/lab. I will get better at being productive even while depressed over time, but for now these small victories feel huge. Focusing for even 15 minutes right now takes an almost superhuman effort.

Just realized you've reached two weeks now--congrats! Now go get two more!!

Solid work so far. Best of luck with job apps.

It's not been 30 minutes and I am double posting because I am fucking ashamed of what I wrote. Did I really think that I was never going to have one bad day, or that all my problems would be slapped with a magic eraser, all because I made the decision to quit gaming? Of course not. It's just the first step in a much larger process--the journey of self-improvement that will last my entire life. Yes, I'm still awkward now, and probably still a loser. That's nothing to be embarrassed about, though. I've spent so many years gaming and hiding from other people, and only a month working to improve my social skills. Other people might have learned social skills from their parents, or from growing up. I'm learning that shit for the first time right now. Of course I'm going to be bad. The point is that I'm working to get better. Did I really think that I wasn't going to experience setbacks? That like the protagonist of a shounen anime I was going to be clad in invincible plot armor that would prevent me from experiencing failure or disappointment? Of course not. Life is full of failures and setbacks. I'm going to fail a thousand more times before I can get my white coat. I'm going to fail a million more times after that. It's not a bad thing to fail. It is however a bad thing to be so scared of failure that I withdraw into the safety of my room, and waste my precious days away in a make-believe world. Did I really think that I wasn't going to experience rejection? That by putting on a decent shirt and doing my hair for the first time that every girl I liked was going to like me back, and that I would find myself an amazing girlfriend instantly? Of course not. As others have said earlier, the attraction that others feel for me is something out of my control. It's not a bad thing to talk to girls and get blown off or rejected. It is a bad thing to be so scared of being hurt that I never even try. What's next? I stop my crying and use the time/energy I'm expending feeling sorry for myself to instead get my work done. I bear with my shitty lab partner, prep even harder for Mol Bio to compensate for his sheer idiocy, get my A and never talk to him again. I ask out Rachael, take the L, and move the fuck on. Assuming I keep improving and eventually get my white coat, there should be no shortage of opportunities to date attractive women in the future. And finally, I keep using every day as an opportunity to learn and improve, no matter how much the day sucks. I'm not guaranteed success, but this is all I can do to ensure that I live my life to the very fullest, with no regrets.

Awful day in Mol Bio today. My partner and I made mistake after mistake, fought with each other, and ended up finishing last in the class again. Naturally I missed out on the chance to ask Rachael out yet again, but at this point I've all but given up on that anyways. The truth is I can come up with any number of reasons why I shouldn't date her. We're both really busy right now so it would be hard to find times to get together. She's a successful scientist making a shitton of money and I'm a brokeass student. I didn't sense a lot of interest from her today anyways, at least not compared to Thursday. And finally/most importantly, with my awkwardness, clumsiness, shitty attitude and general stupidity in the class I'm garbage that she doesn't need in her life. Maybe it's just the stress of this week but I just feel so unattractive right now. I honestly don't believe I have a ghost of a chance with an amazing girl like her. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm having a really bad day/week, but I feel almost as depressed right now as I did a week ago, when Rachael blew me off and I thought it was over (perhaps even more so, it's hard to tell right now). I can't believe just a few days ago I was feeling the happiest I'd been in a long time. Those days just feel so impossibly far away right now. For the first time in a month, all I want to do is go back to gaming again. I was a loser then, yeah, but where have all my efforts over the last few weeks gotten me? I still feel like the exact same loser now.

Wrote a post this morning but didn't have time to submit before class. Might as well finish it now: Weekends continue to be the bane of my productivity as I got literally jack done on Saturday and Sunday. It's honestly starting to get a bit frustrating. I could probably cruise for the entire week if I just had the motivation to get even one good day of weekend production in, and free up a ton of hours for bigger projects. Instead, I'm finding myself working late night after late night over the week in order to just keep my head above water. It doesn't help that this week is shaping up to be an especially sh*tty one: three big labs for stem cell lab with notebook checks coming up, two stem cell lectures to prep for, another presentation for Understanding the Biotech Industry, and the shopping list for our stem cell project due Friday (which Shane and I did over the weekend--only to find that even just considering the cost of chemicals we're over 100 dollars north of the budget maximum). Not to mention all the stress of the Rachael situation, which has festered all weekend. Starting to wonder how much money an espresso maker would save...

Welcome man and great start to your journal. Wishing you the best of luck!!

You can do it. In my experience, there is no trick to overcoming laziness. You sit your butt on a chair, make a list of the shit you have to do and make a promise to yourself that you aren't going to leave the chair until it's all done. At first, it will be hard and you'll want to surf the web almost immediately (that's why I personally only work in open spaces where I can't surf without everyone seeing my screen). But as long as you remember that you're disappointed in yourself and genuinely want to improve I have no doubt you can pull it off. It only gets easier after day 1--in fact, you'll probably be shocked how easy productivity comes once you pull off a few productive days in a row.

Welcome! I think you've made the right decision. Good luck with your journey!

TGIF! Can't wait to catch up on all that juicy sleep over the weekend. Shane and I presented our proposal to Dr. Abramson today. She said we did a great job, and that our proposal was exactly the way it was supposed to be. Also got the pop quizzes back--got 10/10 (highest grade in the class), but that was with the generous 2 point bonus question. Honestly should have been able to easily get a 12 on it, but a couple stupid mistakes ended up costing me. I spent a LOT of today thinking about Rachael, and while doing that made me really happy I can't help but feel that I'm setting myself up for a giant disappointment. I've been through massive heartbreaks before and they suck--my productivity dips, my grades plummet, I start gaming hard, and my life just generally goes to shit in a number of ways. I'm a very insecure guy, so even though she's shown some interest I can't help but wonder how a beautiful, smart, sociable girl like her could ever be single, let alone fall for a derp like me. I've already decided to ask her out to coffee on Tuesday, but my mind keeps bringing up scenario after scenario where things go horribly wrong. She could leave early again. She could have just been friendly. Her feelings could have changed. Her handsome Argentenian stud of an ex-boyfriend could have professed his everlasting love for her. In all 23 years of my life I've never had a single positive experience with the opposite gender, and I just don't see how it could go any better with Rachael, especially since she's well out of the usual league I bat in.

So the saga of the cute mol bio girl apparently has not concluded just yet. Looks like we're going to need to give her name (Rachael btw). After she kind of blew me off on Tuesday, I had already accepted that Rachael probably didn't like me. Therefore I went into Mol Bio yesterday morning with the sole intention of focusing on the labwork and doing a good job on it. The lab involved calculating amounts of reagents to add into a reaction, so while I did the math my lab partner went to get the things we'd need. Rachael also stayed behind to do calculations while her partner walked off. Rachael and I work on opposite sides of the same bench, so we were now alone together. I tried to keep my head down and my mind on the numbers, but I could feel my stress levels starting to rise. And then suddenly-- "Sorry I've sat across from you on this bench for like weeks now, and I don't even know your name! Shouldn't we introduce ourselves to each other?" In disbelief I looked up to find Rachael smiling at me. "Uh yeah, I'm William. Nice to meet you," I said, doing my best to sound casual. We shook hands across the table. "So did you also do you undergrad in Biology, or?..." I couldn't believe it. This was a girl that I had been staring at and thinking about talking to for weeks now, and she had just walked over and started talking to me. We ended up having a pretty basic conversation about majors, undergrad schools, jobs, etc. Found out she was a Bio major who did her undergrad at the university, and that she now works at Roche as a mid-level scientist. Her partner came back and joined the conversation, but I noticed that even though she was now speaking to the group her eyes never left mine even for a second. Eventually my partner came back, and being a kind of loud guy took over the conversation instantly. Thanks man. The rest of lab went by, and because we were focused on not making mistakes my partner and I were the last group to finish. By the time we were done I hurriedly cleaned our bench and ran to the lockers to see if I could catch Rachael, but she was already gone. I'm guessing it would not be inappropriate to ask her out for some coffee after class on Tuesday, though.

I woke up this morning, showered, and then had a crazy realization after eating breakfast: today's been my ninth day without masturbation, the longest streak in my life, and I never even noticed. O__O I guess I really have been working hard over the past few weeks. Kind of a weird thought but one I thought would be worth mentioning.

Still not feeling too great, but it's nothing coffee and a shitton of homework can't fix. Had a conversation with one of my close friends about cute mol bio girl last night, and she basically said my only real problem is that I never made an effort to get to know her, just walked up and asked her out, which is something that she probably wouldn't accept from a stranger, no matter how attractive. Something to think about for next time I guess. I've been working a lot of late nights in the library, and I'm happy to announce that today was pay day, where I got to cash out on all my hours. Our Stem Cell lab professor, Dr. Abramson, decided to surprise the entire class with a hard af pop quiz, because she felt that we hadn't prepared enough for her class. Guess which former gamer has been staying on top of the lectures/lab notebook since day 1 though? I ended up doing quite well on the quiz, though I am a bit miffed because I absolutely should have smashed it out of the park. Bah, if only I studied last night instead of moping around feeling bad for myself. Even so, I was one of the few students that knew all the answers to the hard questions--Dr. Abramson even had me go to the board to explain a particularly difficult calculation to the rest of the class. Pretty great feeling. Being the disorganized professor that she is, Dr. Abramson also surprised everyone by announcing that we had to also complete a 15-minute powerpoint presentation to go along with our project proposals, all of which had to be done by this Friday. Everyone freaked out, mostly because many hadn't even started the proposal yet, but since Shane and I finished ours on the weekend we'd only owe her a few slides each. Again, pretty great feeling being ahead of the curve. It's been 3 weeks since the start of the school year, and I've noticed that going to the library has become habit. It's no longer something I have to discipline myself into doing, my legs just take me there automatically after class. Also, it may just be the magic of an open space, but while working there I have no urges to go on Youtube, etc either--productivity just seems to come naturally at this point. Crushed the powerpoint, updated my lab notebooks, and did a little preparation for Understanding the Biotech Industry class tomorrow, with time to spare for the rest of tonight. (Gym perhaps?) I think at this point I'm ready to take on more commitments--namely volunteering and studying for the medical school entrance exam.

Right? This is something I'm wondering too. I feel like if I did this the poor girl would call the cops or pull out the pepper spray or something... Also, @JustTom and @karabas thanks for the support and the shockingly quick responses! You don't know how much it means to me. Have these fake emoji beers on me as my thanks.??

Well, went for it (or at least tried to). Didn't really get a negative response, but it definitely wasn't positive. I think I've always known it was going to be like this, but it still feels disappointing as hell. It kinda makes me feel like all the progress I've made in the past few weeks is all pointless. All those late nights at the library, all those cups of coffee, all those times I went to the gym even though all I wanted to do was sleep, all those minutes in the morning spent picking an outfit and doing my hair, all of it feels so meaningless, like some sort of stupid way for me to feel like I've improved as a person when all I've done is stand still. My humor is still terrible, I still can't hold a meaningful conversation with someone I'm attracted to, I'm still awkward and clumsy as fuck, and I feel like I'm that side character in a show whose only real purpose is to fuck up in humiliating ways for cheap laughs. Yesterday becoming a great charismatic guy who I could see as a viable candidate for medical school seemed not only possible, but within reach. Today it feels so, so far away. Sorry about the rant. I guess that's life. Sometimes you succeed and sometimes you fail miserably. And all I can do at this point is take the losses with the wins and keep trying to improve, however pointless it may be.

Ay a good night's sleep at last, 11 pm--7 am! It feels awesome, why didn't I do this sooner? ?‍♂️

Got almost no sleep last night, but still managed to push through classes and get a monstrous afternoon of productivity in. A brief list of what got done: -Updated lab notebook for Stem Cell lab for Wednesday -Read a 12-page research paper and took notes for Wednesday's journal club -Preread the lecture for Mol Bio tomorrow -Updated lab notebook for Mol Bio tomorrow -Found protocol for tomorrow's lab and copied it in my lab notebook -Picked up my paycheck from the bar--85 dollars! God bless you Medium Iced Americano, and thank you Mol Bio girl for the productivity boost. Regardless of what happens tomorrow, I think the whole experience with her was worth it.

I think that it's great you went out with friends, even if it interfered with work to some extent. From my limited experience being social is crucial to the success of these detoxes, so I wouldn't worry so much about the occasional hangout that derails your work plans, so long as you aren't going out so much that you consistently aren't able to meet your deadlines.

Another weekend gone by, and while it could have been more productive it was certainly an improvement over last week. This morning, I went to the lab to maintain our stem cells, then went through a 60-slide powerpoint in preparation for tomorrow's lectures. Also updated my lab notebook to be generally all caught up for Monday's lab. Shane and I also knocked out our research proposal for the semester project, which is due this coming Friday. A fun way I've found to give myself a small boost of productivity is to tell myself that I won't ask out cute mol bio girl until I get all my assignments done for next week. This is the second time I've tried it now, and strangely each time it works great and allows me to bulldoze through a mad pile of work. All good things must come to an end though, as I'm really aiming to ask her out on Tuesday and get over the whole situation. The more I think about her the more attached and confused I get, and it's honestly starting to become a bit of an unhealthy obsession (especially since I don't actually know much about her at all). I'm looking forward to the imminent end of this strange mini-arc in my life, though I must say I am going to miss having a girl to motivate me for the time being. Thanks to @whydoyouloveme and @karabas for your kind words. I tell myself that I'm keeping these journals for my own development, but in truth it's great to know that there are people out there who actually listen to these ramblings and care about my development during this journey. This community has been a big part of why I've been able to stay strong thus far, so thank you very much for your support!

Sounds like your dad is the one thinking too narrowly.

Thanks, for sure! Still can't get a lick done at home which costs me a lot of time...but will try to work on that! ?