Phoenixking

Well, there's still a bit of mess left in my lungs. I saw the doctor when I came back from Japan and while the infection, bacteria, jetlag or whatever the hell it was, cleared up; he also told me that I have an allergy to pollen, most likely. One of the ways it manifests, is with seeming asthma-attacks. I have a puffer now and some days are better than others. It's only mildly annoying. I also bruised some ligaments in my foot the other week but I'm down to using just 1 crutch instead of 2. I'm going paintballing this weekend, though :p so all in all, let's say I'm fine but it doesn't seem like I'm going to be taking it slower anytime soon :p

I think this new way of handling things is a healthy step ;-) Keep at it! Just remember to be easy on yourself. No pressure. Babysteps. Get into this new way of doing things slowly.

Two things about this. First off, I'll be fine. I'm not scared because I chose this and I control this. I control what I spend, when and why. If I'm in actual trouble, there's enough money coming in to make sure I don't starve and my bills get paid. It'd be a boring couple of months, but I'd still be fine. Even if I'd get fired instantly, there's always some shitty job somewhere that'd cover my expenses. It's all about taking your financial health seriously and doing some preemptive math. There's a good reason why I keep track of my money for 2 minutes a day. It's worth it. Secondly, there is no amount of money that will alleviate fear. I went to a great info session a while back, meant for freelancers looking to get a bit more insight into financial security and mental issues derived from that. I really felt like I was well off, mentally. There were people there who had thousands in their savings and were still mortified to make the jump. Meanwhile I'm always dancing on the edge but I'm having a blast XD There were people there who were buying and selling huge patches of land for their (therapy)horse farms and who were juggling their entire life savings. But there were also people who had spent decades saving, toiling away at a boring office job. They had become véry well paid but had no true life joy because of it. They didn't want to leave their financial security to become a psychologist, working from their home office. If you think about it, it's ludicrous. So many different stories, ambitions, types of people, job choices and so many different amounts of money in their accounts. And in every single case, it was not the amount of money they had stashed away, it was how big they were making the gap they had to leap in their minds. That one really stuck with me. So as long as you're not being a dumb-ass with your cashola, you'll be fine. Do some math, look at your money, what you are willing to spend/invest and how much time you can chillax and use your money to cover the bill while you get your shit together and figure out your next step. You'll be fine. If you're on this forum, it means you're emotionally more awake then most.

Yeah. The visit to the doctor was about 150 bucks just for talking to him. But I'm an informed dude. I know what pills I take and why, I already knew or had a strong idea what the diagnosis would be. But the dude didn't want to hear it. I paid 150 bucks to hear somebody say 'no' to me. He wanted to do a whole battery of tests that would have cost me 10,000 bucks! MRI, bloodwork, ... Sorry, but no. In the end, I had to take a couple of simple over the counter meds and after a few days and with some rest, I was okay. That doctor just felt like he was moneygrabbing and it's very unethical. I'm happy my girlfriend had my back and that her dad works in a hospital and she was able to figure out with some of those connections what was probably wrong with me and what the probable cure would be. I'm even more lucky that the hostel I was staying at had somebody working there who used to work in a hospital herself and was able to help me translate all of the names of the medications into the Japanese versions. All in all, I was just very lucky to be surrounded by capable people. Apart from it all, I'm still very, very, very much in love with Japan. I'm totally going back next year. Literally éverything about Japan and it's culture fascinates and tittelates me to no end.

Day 0. I relapsed and quit and relapsed a couple of times in the past few weeks. No gaming, al though things got close at some point. I feel like I still use porn as some kind of crutch to compensate for what I looked at games at for a while back. I dont' really have any game cravings. Though I think I've filled that hole with D&D and working and being social, and sadly, porn. I don't lose my shit over porn. But I feel pretty bad that I relapsed after 45 days. I want to do it better this time. I went to see my mom yesterday together with my girlfriend. It was kind of nice, to be honest. There's still a lot of history there and I notice that I'm always inclined to take things the wrong way. I've had to face that she's neither some monster nor some perfect being. Normally people grow up and at some point realize their parents are flawed humans as well and not some sort of mythical watching angel. I also have a bit of a problem with alloquating time. I spend too much time on Reddit or Youtube, and so on... There's a financial issue right now too. It's been an expensive month, more than I had guesstimated. Recent highlight: GF spent the night and it was lovely. I also met her family and it was hilarious. Budget status: Yeesh. I was making bank in the first couple of months of 2019 but also spending a lot. It seems my income has gone down but because of Japan, it's given me quite a dent. It's been a rather expensive month in terms of bills, insurance, power, ... I think I'll be fine in the next couple of month if I can land a proper gig or two. It's clear that my office job is keeping me afloat right now and I really do benefit from looking at what I spend on a daily basis. I've been spending money on frivolous things and it doesn't grow on trees! My one goal for tomorrow: Be careful with my foot and the torn ligaments. I'd like to try and go paintball this weekend so I need it to heal asap because there's no refund.

Aaaaaaaaaaand we're back. "We last left our hero on the precipice of travelling to Japan, something he'd been dreaming of his whole life. Let's take a look at how he's doing nowadays. Cue the intro tune!" The Trip was gorgeous. I felt like the luckiest man every few minutes. I was able to experience authentic Japanese culture. I drank and ate what they drank and ate. Not a single Western thing passed my lips for 2 weeks. Safe to say that I'm pretty sick of tofu right now. Unless properly fermented or whatever. They have a pretty umami and a very subtle pallet. Even their whiskey (I visited Yamazaki Distillery) was rather subtle. I'm used to very pronounced flavors. So I was happy to indulge in such when I came back. I had gotten sick though. Pretty seriously. I had to lie down for the first half of the trip and that really was a blow. But my girl came through and helped me get some medication. There's crap healthcare in Japan so I lost some money on a visit to the doctor. But luckily my girl had my back. She was able to pull some strings and that's how I knew how to buy the right meds. Turns out I have a pollen allergy that make my body trigger asthma-like attacks. .... >.> Seriously? In the middle of Sakura-season? UGH! The views and nature and onsens were amazing. I often took pictures to remind myself of the beauty. My travel buddy was nothing but lovely. But my girl reminded me sometimes of how weird it was to have me travelling with somebody I used to sleep with. She took it like a champ though. The Girl and I are planning to travel next year to Japan again. I always wondered what would happen to me when I visited Japan. I always made it such a big thing in my mind. I was sure that I'd come back as some kind of monk or enlightened person. I didn't. At least, not yet. It was a weird change with some overinflated expectations and some other stuff. I'm okay now. I do feel changed. Like there's more energy inside of me, a stronger drive. All I need to do now is just follow the route I'm on. Japan was a great move for my inner peace. I spent a night in a buddhist monk temple. One of them gave me a bracelet as a gift. During the trip I learned "Ichi go, icho ye" (or something like it). Which stand for the idea of doing only one thing at a time, and giving your full focus and attention to that one thing. The bracelet serves as a reminder for that. It helps me not get overwhelmed by everything. The Girl and I are still going strong. There's lots of love and communication and some future plans about travelling to Japan together next year and travelling somewhere a bit closer this summer. We'll start planning the former after the latter has been a succes. I'm sure it's going to be fine. She's got a new job now. It's pretty demanding and she's gone rather early and home late. We don't live together but I can see the physical and emotional stress it's putting on her. I worry a bit about her, but if it's too much for her, she's supposed to be the one to say it in time, not me. She's a bit younger than I am and I have already learned that lesson. I have to let go and let her grow on her own. All in all, the relationship is swell ^^ We even had our first fight recently. Just a silly misunderstanding. But it feels like a funny milestone. The Family is a bit more complicated. My mom and I have been messaging each other less frequently. We've not picked up the therapy sessions. But we keep in touch on our own. I'm seeing her this weekend to tell her about Japan. It's been over a month since I'm back, but still. Gift horses and all that. My Girl is coming along to properly meet her too! I'm both nervous and excited. Since my mom's sister died, the family took a blow. Mom is cool with all of it, she says. She already said goodbye 2 years ago when the illness started. But my niece, other aunt, grandmother, ... They're all devastated. Especially my niece feels so lost. It's a long story, to be honest. But the main thing is that Mom and I seem to have turned over a new leaf and we both seem to take maintaining a good relationship more seriously ^^ The Job is twofold. On the one hand it's all good. The part-time job at the office is different every day. And I need both stability to compensate for my freelancing, but also some regular change to make sure I don't lose interest. For now, it's balanced. But I'm starting to feel that I'll leave that place one day and that it might be sooner than I think. But we'll see what happens. I now work as an online content marketeer, a cold-caller and administrative assistant. The freelancing needs a kick though. So I made a list to get my shit in order. It's ridiculously huge. But it's all written in clear, short tasks. There's 1000 of them. But if I can do just 1 per day, there's going to be some major progress in a year! This gives me some peace of mind. Just like the bracelet reminds me of: one thing at a time. I'm just a tad scared about money on short-term. It's been an expensive month and I didn't have that many gigs as I had thought. And some unexpected expenses... The well is drying up slowly. I need to keep an eye on things. The Mind has found a bit more peace. And a bit more discipline. The huge list is helping me regulate things and that's a big deal. My Job Coach recently taught me a neat trick to communicate with my Yin and my Yang. I imagined one side of me as the creative one, a flakey, jumpy, spazzy, pale, coffee-slurping, energetic, wide-eyed junkie. And my peaceful side was like a bigger, stronger, older, slower, tree-bark covered behemoth of a man. Both are me, just magnified aspects, polar opposited. And in the middle is me. We talked about how amazing ideas, gorgeous blossoms, ripe and tasty fruits, ... all need a proper thick branch and a solid tree to grow. If not, they'd all be blow away by the first storm to pass by. So she had me play out a conversation between my two sides and why my creative side was afraid that my peaceful side would take over and that I'd become boring and complacent. Being able to say that out loud took a load off. I've been allowing myself to relax more. Leaving me stronger and more energetic to tackle actual problems. This is a big change I needed. There's fire and water withing me and the steam will only appear when they work together. I don't want to douse the flame and I don't want to burn myself either. I need both, in balance. It's a work in progress, but I feel like I'm doing fine. The Body is kind of fucked up at the moment. When I came back from Japan I needed some time to get my stuff sorted out. It was hard to motivate myself to go to Krav Maga class. And recently I tore my ligaments in my foot so I'm on crutches for the moment. It's going to take a bit of time before I'm fully okay. And I strongly dislike that I'm gaining a bit of weight... Restarting excercising is on the list, though ? And so was restarting this journal. The Future is a mystery but today is a gift. I relapsed a few times in the last couple of weeks. I was clean for about 45 days. If my girl didn't help me destroy every videogame account, I may have relapsed in that too, who knows. The broken ligaments drive me crazy because I can't walk... Can't seem to shake the porn too. I guess I just haven't found my proper replacement yet? I'm sure I'll figure it out at some point... Recent highlight: Being able to write in this journal that I'm doing fine. Sure, there's still work to be done, but life's always going to be like that. So I consider myself lucky that I'm fine. Budget status: I have a serious case of the procrastinaties. There's almost over a month of finances and expenses that I need to check. I'll probably do it at some point. But just not right now. My one goal for tomorrow: Be careful with my foot. It's still busted. And I'm going to try and update this journal daily, but it's no disaster if I don't. At worst, I'd like to keep track of my mind and budget on a weekly basis. But I feel like daily or once every 1-3 days might work out fine too.

HOLY SHIT. I've been off the radar for a while. I've missed watching likeminded people struggle and succeed. You are doing great man. It's lovely to read what steps you've been taking and what amazing progress you've been making!

25/03/19 – 4 pm - Days without games & porn: 36 Well, I leave for Japan in less than 24h. Today is all about buying the final tiny things I'd need like an adapter for Japanese power sockets and picking up my passport. Sadly, I'm still rather sick. I don't have a fever anymore but I still need to sit down and rest every few minutes. I'm weakened. I also still cough, wheeze and have trouble breathing. I'm pretty sure the worst part is behind me and it's just my body tidying up the mess inside of me. But I'm getting a bit scared. I hope this won't ruin my trip or make things more difficult. All in all, I always kept up that I love Japan so much, everything could go wrong and I'd still have a blast because of the simple fact that I'd be in Japan when things go wrong. All I have to do today is pack by bag. I'll start in a minute when my medication kicks in. I'm still rather tired and feel like shit. But I have to go. The trip won't wait for me. There's 1000 things to be arranged. Clothes, food, music, ... Granted, I'm going to be pushing myself a little bit here. Not a good thing if you're going to be travelling and you should be resting. But I'm not going to cancel 2 weeks of my dream destination over an infection. My health is important, but I'm also not made of glass. I have a doctor's appointment this evening and I'll be able to drop by an emergency pharmacy if need be. I'll explain the situation, ask if it's normal I'm still rather sick, ask about the risks and possible medication. I'm sure I'll be fine. I'm just a bit worried about the pressure in the airplane. My ears, nose and sinusses are so fucked. I'll be gone for a week or two. I hope to return with a bit more spiritual insight, tonnes of stories, and some peace of mind. I'll be bringing my copy of Atomic Habits with me too. I've been waiting my whole life for this. I can't believe it's finally happening. I'm going to Japan. This is going to be the craziest, coolest shit ever. See you all when I get back!!! Recent highlight: Did a taping of 3 podcast episodes Sundaymorning. I took something out of me because I was still sick. But we totally nailed it. I look forward to our live show next month. Budget status: Wired about 1000 bucks for the trip. Should be enough. Still have enough saved for 2 months of rent. Add to that that I'll get my part-time paycheck soon and I assume April and May will be okay months but I'll need more freelance work soon. I have planned a freelance-get-work-brainstorm-day with myself where I'll send my new headshots to casting agencies, try and get some auditions done, etc... My one goal for tomorrow: Be mindful of my body and my health. Improvise and stay true to myself and what I want from this trip. Relax and just enjoy the ride.

Hey man, how are you?

You decide what is real and what is not. Is it purgatory or is it the stage in between life and death? Death being your previous life, addicted to games and emotionally messy, life being your new potential self, balanced, happy. I fully agree with what @fawn_xoxo says. Every ounce of your energy should be directed towards yourself right now. Don't think of career, relationships, dating, whatever. You require and deserve love from yourself. You need to help yourself out, communicate with yourself. Heck, I used to talk to a mirror sometimes! The ends justify the means. You seems to have a bit of money stashed away. You feel like you need a break from work, your mom, the world? Then do it. Don't do it impulsively, think it through. But if that's actually what you crave, a break so to speak, go for it man. You deserve to find some peace of mind. Read self-help books, meditate, maybe get a different therapist if need me, a mental wellbeing workshop, anything at all. I start big stuff like this with a brainstorm with myself. I clear out a hour or 6 and as if it was a work project or helping out a true friend who's in dire need, I go to town like I'm Robin Williams at an improv gig. Figure out a million different ways you'd like to change your life for the better, make a huge list. Then perhaps purify it by selecting stuff that's easy to achieve, short-term stuff or stuff that's super important. That would give you a proper start in just a few hours of effort. Or don't. Don't listen to me, listen to yourself, that's the whole point. You're a great dude. The next love of your life is around the corner. You need only look into a mirror.

22/03/19 – 4 pm - Days without games & porn: 33 I have been sick since Monday. Omfg, I feel like shit. The doctor said it's a viral infection of my airways. I have a stuffy and runny nose, major headaches and a fever. My lungs feel like they're filled with mucus and slime and I cough a lot. Today is the first day it's been a bit better. I leave for Japan in 4 days so I'm a bit scared I'll not be at full strength when I leave. I've taken a few sick days, cancelled an audition and called grandpa (who is now a widower) that I wouldn't be able to see him before I leave for Japan. My girl has been here most days, she's been taking care of my like an angel. Cooking, cleaning, cuddling, ... She's so kind, caring and nurturing. I'm lucky dude. I feel like I've been half-alive for the last couple of days. There's been no real addiction issues because I'm either asleep, coughing or worrying about Japan. I sometimes get up at night because my nasal cavity feel like it's on fire and I can't breathe that well when I lie down. It's been a few year since I've been this passive and I hate it. I know I'm supposed to sit my ass down, stay warm and do nothing. But it drives me crazy because I'm such a go-getter. I have to actively make an effort to not speed out of here and go do stuff. But I'd make things worse... I'll probably spend the next couple of days recovering and planning some more stuff for Japan. Part of me is terrified and a part of me is excited and not worried at all about recovering in time. I guess we'll just have to wait and see which side wins. Recent highlight: My girl taking such good care of me. Budget status: I should contact my electricity provider about changing my monthly bills. I'm also a bit scared of spending money in Japan but this is why I worked so hard. To relax and chill out. My one goal for tomorrow: Do as little as possible. There's a huge list, but a great day would be a day where I just focus all of my efforts on getting better. I'm an adventurer and an improviser, the trip through Japan is going to me amazing no matter what. So I have to try and not worry about things, relax, let go and just let my body heal.

17/03/19 – 1 pm - Days without games & porn: 28 I helped my girl move her stuff Friday. She's finally moving out of a house with 3 roommates and into her own apartment. She's worried about money stuff, obviously, it's a big upgrade and that comes with extra costs. She's been used to spending money frivolously on clothes and fancy food. But I feel like it's a strong and healthy step towards self-development and growing up. She might get a roommate, though, to cut costs. But for now, she's eager to just do it solo and I encourage that. Her 3 previous housemates were ... complicated. They used to be friends that even helped her get over her ex. But it slowly turned sour. The house is owned by the two dudes. One of them is a nice but a bit of a coward and never stands up the the other guy. That latter dude has some form or autism and is a gaming junkie. He uses memes, math and logic to communicate. I understand why and how, of course, but that's an explanation and not a excuse to be a dick. The last roommate is gamerman's girlfriend. She's got a psychological disorder because of repressed trauma of some kind. When pressed, she dissociates and will just hum, bang her head or just go catatonic for a bit. He is utterly unfazed by this and doesn't see anything wrong with it. My girl was first forbidden to help her out, despite being a trained psychologist, but then after she ignored an episode of hers, they roasted her for ignoring a person in need. They went back and forth with her like that a lot. My girl is lovely, but sometimes a bit too nice. I have learned to bear my fangs and channel my anger when needed. That's something she lacks for now. She can be a bit too kind for her own good. So I'm happy she's moving away. I spent the night there. It was romantic and hilarious. We tackled the move as a team! I took apart the bed while she filled boxes with stuff. We shoved it all into my car and after 3 drives, we got everything sorted and had all we need to spend the night. She bought me pizza, we had sparkling wine and a show we liked. We ate and drank on her bed, the only piece of furniture we were able to move in those few short hours. But it was all we needed. We had an absolutely lovely night and morning. There was nothing in the apartment but us, pizza boxes and an empty bottle of sparkling wine. And it was perfect. Then I had to leave for the funeral. My aunt died last week. She's lost the battle against cancer. The chemo was taking effect, prolonging her life a bit. Her kids had to convince her to get chemo and radiation, she was thinking of letting the disease eat her. The treatment took effect, but she'd waited too long already. It'd gotten into her bones. The kids were still hell bent on saving her or prolonging their time. But my aunt, without telling the kids, took matters into her own hands and stopped the classical Western treatment. She spent her entire life savings on crazy therapies. Shamans and witch doctors, people pretending to be healers, liars, conmen and frauds. My aunt lost herself to the grifters, eager to take her money, spent in desperation. Her discovered all of this only two weeks ago. They feel like they had time with their mom stolen from them by the alternative healers and the person who kept her secret and stimulated this path: my other aunt. There were 3 sisters, my mom being one of them. Now there's only two left. My cousins both didn't have the luxury of time to deal with the frustration and anger they felt, their mom was too far gone already, the money already spent. She was dying. They had to press pause on all of that clusterfucky stuff to sit by her bed in the hospital, waiting for her last breath. The funeral was warm, fuzzy and lovely. Her kids gave amazing speeches. The eldest is 3 years younger than me and I'm a professional speaker. But I could never have given a eulogy with half as much class as that man. He joked that he was glad the crowd couldn't see his knees shaking. He told stories about how their mom used to spray their rooms from them with anti-monster spray. He was so charming. He had been told by his mom that she didn't want her funeral to be sad, stiff and full of monologues. She wanted people to smile and laugh. He pulled it off with swagger. Her sister, though, the other aunt who got her into the 'alternative swamp', as my cousin named it, had a different approach. She opened the funeral with a 5 page-speech. She even forced her kid, my 8-year-old cousin to recite a poem. The latter chickened out. No kid in their right mind would voluntarily do such a thing so we all assume that my crazy aunt pushed her into it. None of us are nowadays able to look at this aunt with the same pair of eyes. Part of me blames her and feels like she's a lost sheep. Part of me still loves her, she's no mean or ill-bearing woman. She just never learned to truly fend for herself. Sorry for the huge post. This is my diary after all. I just need to type these things out... It's been an emotional few weeks. The detoxing from porn is one of the hardest things I've ever done. I have lost my grandmother and my aunt in the span of 1 month. I've started freelancing more and stopped by full-time job and replaced it with a part-time one. My relationship with my girlfriend has blossomed and is showing no red flags. There's a fucktonne of changes. So many things to adapt to and process. I'm a bit of a mess sometimes. But I still haven't relapsed. It's getting easier. I look forward to getting to 90 days. The next few weeks will be less hard because I'll be in Japan until the 10th. I'll go and see cherry blossoms for the first time. I've been wanting to see Japan all my life. It's a dream come true. I will probably cry a lot while I'm there. A part of me thinks that I'll return as another man. Spiritually more awake. Changed forever. Sometimes I think it's folly and childish and very dramatic. Typically me. And there are other times when I can truly imagine myself there, all alone in the middle of some busy square or desolate temple, thinking about who I am and what I want to do with my life, who I want to become... There was this man at the funeral. His name is Alfred. I met him a few times when he was a lazy teenager. He'd travelled from Finland to get to the funeral. My deceased aunt was very active in a charity foundation. When I was a kid, there were a few kids from Romania spending summer at our village. My aunt took in one or two or three, so did my mom. He had left the slums a few years after that and had kept in touch with my aunt before she'd gotten cancer. Apparently he'd done quite well for himself. She read a lot of books about succes, finance, entrepreneurship, communication, self-improvement, ... He'd been a student, a butcher, a student again and now she's in healthcare and into globetrotting. He's lived in Germany, Spain, and now is in Finland. This random lazy kid from the slums, turned his whole life around and travelled the world. Switching jobs, self-educating, ... I made me very humble. If he can do that, why couldn't I? I've been noticing that I often can't or won't stop browsing Reddit or any other social media or even Netflix. I have a limiter on my PC and on my phone, though. Thank heavens. I'm sure that I'm using it as a crutch somehow. After I am done with the 90 days of detoxing from porn, and when I feel ready, I'll probably detox from this as well. I don't want to make my cup overflow, there's only so many things you can handle. And I have yet to read Atomic Habits and I really still shouldn't be this demanding of myself... But I want to achieve so much, climb so high, ... Sometimes I am angry at myself for no working harder and slacking off so much. But being such a good-for-nothing junkie. I look at the bad stuff and slip into being so demanding of myself. But I've done good things, I've taken the right steps. I guess I'm just still used to getting immediate results. Maybe after Japan. Maybe after the book. Maybe next year. I hope I find peace with this one day. I know things like these take time. But some days are harder than other. And today is totes a hard day. There's so many things to do and arrange. It's stressing me out, just imagining the list. It never ends. The infernal to-do list. TL;DR - My aunt died. My girl moved. No relapse. And the only thing that's more intense than Netflix seducing me to binge, is how demanding I am of myself. Recent highlight: The first night and morning in my girl's new place and us working as a team to move all of her stuff. Budget status: I'm going to FINALLY try and sort some stuff out for Japan. I already lost the opportunity to see some sumo's training because of procrastinating. I probably would not have enjoyed it because of how rigid and stiff it was, but still it's a shame. My one goal for tomorrow: Nail the busy day: Get new pictures for my passport. Then go nail the improv gig I got. Then go and do a photoshoot and get some new headshots out of the shoot.

14/03/19 – 23 pm - Days without games & porn: 25 Porn is bugging me less. Nowadayts my brain is already in Japan. I did fuck up, though. A fuckup worth 200 bucks ? ... My passport needs renewal. And because of paperwork, timing and flights, I need to pay extra for a quickened procedure. UGH. I hate paperwork... I have yet to sit down and arrange tickets and stuff for shows, temples, tours, ... I came home and ate and then left for practice. It's so late now. I hope to have finished the Japan stuff by the end of the weekend. But there's the funeral and my girlfriend's move. So I might have to sacrifice some stuff here and there to get it done. Got a message from somebody I met at the storytelling conference from 2 weeks ago. She wants me to lead some acting workshops! It's so cool that my presence there really paid off! Krav Maga practice was brutal. We got trained on how to defend attack from behind and my neck looks like a warzone from all of the grapples My new haircut feels amazing. It looks cool and I feel like a new man. I honestly believe in doing stuff like this to mark off old chapters and begin new ones. Recent highlight: Everyone keeps telling me my hair looks amazing. Budget status: I have yet to pay lots of stuff for Japan. It's making me nervous. I hope I didn't miscalculate anything. I tend to do that... I hope I don't rip my bank account in two over this, because there's really no more going back at this point. My one goal for tomorrow: Help my girl move and try and get 1 thing in order for Japan.

13/03/19 – 4 pm - Days without games & porn: 24 My writing gig finished and the feedback was positive. I hope they'll hire me again. It's looking promising but the fact that I'd be in Japan makes it difficult for the timeframe. They want to start casting actors and running trials asap. We'll just have to wait and see, I guess. I have been a bit more thorough with my planning and it seems to be taking effect. I also got a haircut. It's a bit dramatic. I went from full hipster manbun shoulder-length hair to a 1920's cut, like from Peaky Blinders. I did always have a penchant for the dramatic... My podcast will be doing a live gig next month in my favourite local bar. We're making merchandise as we speak. It's crazy how much we've progressed. We have actual fans.... I wonder if I'll be asked to be on pictures or if people would want my autograph or something ? Recent highlight: My girlfriend was very empathetic about me panicking about my hair. I have a bit of a developing bald spot. Normally I'd feel silly and dramatic. But she just rolls with it and reacts with kindness. It's stuff like that that really make you feel special. We even stayed up 'till 1am just talking and laughing. Our sleep pattern hates us, but we're in love. Budget status: I'm about to check all the boxes I need to for Japan. Passport, payments, ... This means that I'll buy tickets for stuff I want to go to and see and visit. My travel buddy isn't coming along to every single thing. So it's rather exciting to do this on my own. I'm terrified my bank account will recede into darkness. But there's sumo contests to see, temples to visit, guides to book, ... This is why we have a job! To make the money do stuff that we like! My one goal for tomorrow: Kick ass at the office. I finally found something I'm good at and that makes my colleagues give positive feedback on.

In an ideal world, what would that be? If you'd not be limited by anything like time, money, distance... What would the idea life be?

11/03/19 – 2 pm - Days without games & porn: 22 So the D&D-session I did last night was good! I was finally able to give all of them a hero-moment. And I've been making good progress with my worldbuilding. It's really turning int something alive and breathing. The meeting about the podcast was long but fun. We might be doing a live show soon and we discussed the selling of merchandise. There's so many people on our Discord-server nowadays, we've had to enlarge the team and we have a few volunteers now to keep an eye out. We were all happy and proud and suprised and amazed that within 1 year the whole project has truly taken off. There's fans, there's reactions, there's artwork being sent to us, ... Utterly blessed! My SO and I are doing well too. She needs to chill out sometimes, though. She's always running around doing 1 million things (kind of like me, I know) and it's making her sick. Well, I'd say that she should be majorly sick and lie in bed and chill and just let her body recover and rest. But she's too busy so the adrenaline just pushes her onwards. It's making sure she's functioning but always a tad under the weather. Much like me and lots of other people I know, it's another case of The Millenials. Feeling so much pressure to put in effort to get all your ducks in a row, the the point where just doing your groceries feels like a huge deal. Heck, it's tiring me out just thinking about it. Japan is nearby and there's one more hurdle to jump. My SO needs to meet my travel mate. Mainly because we used to sleep together and I don't want anything polluting the air. So we're having dinner tonight with the three of us. In a way to show my SO that there's nothing to be worried about, but also to make sure they both see each other at least once and have gotten to know each other a little bit since I'll be gone with her for about two weeks without my SO. Honestly, I'm a bit nervous. I probably shouldn't be, but still. I'm going to try and finish my writing today. My keyboard is annoying the hell outta me because the "D"-key keeps breaking... I should've finished a while ago. I don't think I'll be getting another contract from them. But fingers crossed? Recent highlight: The D&D-session went great and I wrote a whole bunch of lore! Budget status: My paycheck this month will cover just food and rent. I'm not going to lie. I'm starting to feel like I should work more and try my best more at this freelancing... This is kind of scary. My one goal for tomorrow: Try and have a productive day at the office and then kick some ass at the Krav Maga practice

Thanks, man. The girlfriend just cancelled on me for today. Miscommunication. I'll see her after my D&D-sesh tomorrow. But that kind of was a blow to me. I was really holding onto seeing her. On top of that I misinterpreted the funeral date. Resulting in me losing a paid gig and a photo shoot. On top of now having to cancel a 3-day improv event to make sure I can make the funeral on the correct date. And I'll lose money over it because I had already pre-paid the lodgings and I probably won't get it back. I could feel myself slipping into a dark place, panicked and quickly opened the forum, looking for some light. I think your comment and you pat on the back just saved my stupid ass from going over the edge... Thanks man... If I ever make it to 90 days, I feel like I'll have to be a changed man. This is all so hard sometimes, what the ever flying fuck? This shit really has its claws in us, huh. Sorry. Had*

9/03/19 – 11 am - Days without games & porn: 20 So a lot of stuff happened over the past few days. I've been a bit off lately. My aunt died. After the death of my grandma a while back, I am now in mourning once again. She'd had cancer for a while now and she had decided a couple of years back to not do anything about it. My grandpa (her dad) died of cancer too and despite best efforts, he died. I guess she didn't want to get treatment because it's no guarantee you'd live, it's lots of suffering and she's kind of insecure and shallow. She didn't want to risk a masectomy or transform into a walking corpse. So she kept it a secret. Her kids, my niece and nephew, were beside themselves with anger and frustrations and sadness when this was revealed. They pleaded and conviced her to get treatment. Chemo pills. Sadly, she died anyway. This came to a shock to them and our whole family because she was so young. Only 49. Her kids are younger than I am. The family is deeply saddened. But it gets worse. So there's my mom and this aunt, her sister, right? There's another sister, my other aunt. 3 sisters, still with me? The third sister is the youngest one. She'd had an aneurysm a while back and never really worked a day in her life because of it. She's capable, smart, and there's no actual reason why she shouldn't work, the aneurysm was ages ago. It all kind of reeks of laziness. To be fair, if I had the opportunity to do whatever I wanted and get paid anyway, I'd take it too. So she's already a bit of an odd bird. Mainly because she was always swaddled too. She was always the weaker sister, the one that needed extra special attention. It turns out, she may actually be crazy. I went to the hospital to the wing where they give the people who'll die soon the best care. Stuff like morphine drips and pain pumps are everywhere and it's a calm and serene wing. I met up with my niece and my mom. Believe it or not, my mom and I had an actual pleasant conversation! It was a milestone! She listened, was kind, shared her feelings... It made me feel like the relationship could actually be salvaged. I talked about her sister and I heard stories from my niece. This is what had been going on for the past years. My other aunt is a bit new agey. Angels, demons, books, spirits, pendulums, powders, herbs, chakras, ... She's convinced that phones give her headaches because of the radiation. I'm a man of science and proof. Sure, there's research backing up the negative effects of phones. There's also research about people imagining that electricity hurts them mentally. I think there's a character in 'Better Call Saul' that has this issue. Long story short, I shut her bullshit down often and quickly. But it turns out that my aunt, dying of cancer, did not. Those two really got into it. Apparently she'd been using all sorts of mystic shit. Powdered root of the Himalayas, tarot cards and mediums, special chakra enforcing necklaces, ... My nephew did a financial state of the whole thing and all of my cancer aunt's money is gone now. It's a disaster. The kids now blame the other aunt of stealing away time they could have spent with their dying mom. It's a horribly family drama right now, in the middle of arranging the funeral... We all agree that she might be suffering from psychosis. We're very worried. It's been a grim past few days. I've been clean from watching porn for 20 days. I was going to crack. I really was. I wanted to feel a bit of endorphins, some rush, anything. Food, drink, Netflix, nothing was really giving me what I wanted. My libido has been going crazy for the past few weeks. I've been really getting my nose shoved into how my brain has been being affected by porn. It's very discombobulating. I'm still figuring things out. A big thing is boobs. My girlfriend has rather small boobs and the better part of my exes had big ones. I know it's a very shallow thing to note, but I like'm big. The thing is that she's near perfect. A proper soulmate. Future wife potential. A measly things such a cup size is nothing in comparison to it. I know it, the world knows it: beauty fades. Personality, morals and values, ... That's where it's at. And yet I still find myself thinking about it. Feeling the itch in the back of my mind to search for porn. I honestly hate how my brain craves it, is starving. It makes me feel like the addiction is warping the way I view the woman I love as someone that's not enough because I've been bombarded with picture and videos of promiscuous women with huge boobs. I was going to relapse a few times this week. But thinking of my girl and not wanting to have this strange mindfungus have actual influence on our relationship got me through it. Me suffering from it is one thing, this is my battle. But I'll be damned if I let it hurt her or our relationship. I am very happy I held up. Work has been ... educational. I started using social media more to branch out and learn from other freelancers. I've also been noticing that I can sometimes still be a slave to Instagram. I met 2 IG-famous people and the only thing I could think of was figuring out a way to get into a picture with them, to get a shitload of likes and followers, without seeming creepy. My friend and my girl were luckily nearby and calmed me down. I always think of myself as a man of principles. This was a very daunting experience and made it clear to me that I should try and be more mindful of who I want to be as a person and that I should try and be more authentic. I recently did a photoshoot with a friend who's IG-famous (locally) and she told me of a girl she knew that bought followers and even got a boobjob. I NEVER want to be somebody like that. In terms of work, I need more discipline or more of a schedule or whatever. My freelancing is so unstructured. I am going to finish my current gig and have a good long hard think about a communication plan and a work schedule. I require more structure. I have Atomic Habits nowadays but I'm still reading my book about Japan and the history of Samurai. There's also 2 other books I'm reading ? I guess it's about the long game? Recent highlight: The girlfriend's support throughout all of the death and psychosis story. She's been overseas but keeps calling me and texting me with supportive things to say. I can't believe I'm so lucky to have met such a beautiful and warm soul. Budget status: Nothing shocking for now. I just hope that Japan isn't going to destroy my financial state ? My one goal for tomorrow: Focus at the content meeting of my podcast and in the evening kick ass at the D&D-session as a DM.

Yeah, but I notice that I'm slacking off a tad too much. I need to figure out some sort of system or get a bit more disciplined. I should try and get my desk/work room done too.

6/03/19 – 1 pm - Days without games & porn: 17 This is the longest I've ever gone without porn, I think. I feel like, for the moment, it's no longer a huge burden. I still get urges and cravings, but I tend to handle the better than I did before. I also read more nowadays and feel more relaxed. Probably because of all the positive changes. I've been trying to be a bit more active on social media but I have a love-hate relationship with it. I don't want it to take over my life, but it's very useful for networking and getting freelance gigs. There's still a long way to go. I notice that I'm véry eager and that it's a bad thing. I need to learn how to calm down in a pinch, I think. My enthousiasm and good intentions tend to get the best of me and then I act like a fool or embarass myself. I went to Krav Maga last night and it felt soooo good. I'm happy I'll have a bit more time nowadays for stuff like that. I really feel like going part-time and trying to invest more time in myself and freelancing was the right way to go. I feel like I have more energy. Sure, on days that I'm at the office or in the weekends I have to burn twice as much fuel as any other person would because of all of the writing, household stuff, social life and freelancing on top of the office work. But now that there's a bit more time to do what I love and have quality me-time, I have more reserves. I'm happy. I'm learning a lot and I notice I still have A LOT to learn and a long way to go. But I feel like at the very least I started to take a step in the right direction. I guess I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, right? Recent highlight: Saw Captain Marvel last night at a midnight screening. OMFG. Please, everyone, go see this movie. ? Budget status: There's already about 370 saved up as spending money for Japan. It'd mainly be for food and entertainment and drinks. I have about 2400 on my savings account for imporant stuff in the coming months like rent and whatnot. And another 900 on my checkings account for Japan. I'm not really good at estimating if this is a healthy money situation or not >.> My one goal for tomorrow: Have a good therapy session with my mom and sister.

4/03/19 – 11 am - Days without games & porn: 15 Oh, god, the staycation was amazing. So laid back, so relaxed. Apparently there was so much stress pent up that the moment I got home on Friday night, I developed another herpes outbreak the moment I tried letting go of all the stress. I've heard of people getting sick in their first week of vacationing because the pent up stress kept them going in some way. It was all very lovely and lazy. Lots of Netflix, reading, Community, books, The Mask, Gourmet Samurai, going out for cocktails (where I might name of one their drinks!), walking, sex, free pizza, ... All in all, it was perfect. All very typical of my SO and me. We tend to have weird, cool shit happen to us. Our pizza got delivered wrongly, so I called up the pizza place and they delivered a new one. Left the old so, so free pizza for us! We went for a walk, just at random. And we ended up in a 1930's style cocktail bar. Usually the lines are huuuuuge. But we must have had impeccable timing and we just walked in. We sat next to a fireplace and the view through the windows was amazing. But I wanted to see the mixologists at work so we moved to the bar as soon as we could. I guess the dude kinda took a liking to me because when I ordered "the drink of the week" he told me that maybe I should come up with a name for it. I gave him my name on IG and about 20 cool names that had to do with the types of alcohol used, the color and flavor, the possible myth or story surrounding the drink, the whole shebang. It'd be cool to wipe "name a cocktail" off my bucket list! My SO was a delight. Funny, bubbly, adorable and supporting. We had a great talk about our relationship, slept in often, she's been so amazing. We've gotten very, very close to each other and there seem to be no red flags in sight. I feel like the luckiest dude in the world. Today is my first day that I'm at home, freelancing. I've got a phone call with a director in 30 minutes. Feedback for a gig I did a while back. I'll also be doing my household chores, do some writing work I've been postponing and most likely work on my D&D-universe. I also slept in this morning. I know it's my first day and I feel like I'm being lazy by not working 8h fully dedicated to the career. But I felt that it would be wiser to ease myself into it. I'm a very hard and demanding person when it comes to trying to achieve things. Normally I'd make a huge list and a big fuss of waking up at 6 am and relentlessly working away at it. This time, I just want to be kind and nice to myself and do whatever the fuck I want. As long as it makes me happy, or makes me money, preferably both. I want to be ambitious. But I don't want to overwork my own ass too much. There's much to be done but there's time. I don't need to drive myself crazy over it. I feel like, at least for now, if I do 1 thing that's useful towards my career and making money, it's been a proper day. The more I do it, the more I'll get better at it and will find more structure. And I'll be working a lot of weekends anyway so there's nothing wrong with taking it a bit easier on Mondays and Wednesdays when I'm at home ? Look at me, being all mature and self-loving. Who ever thought I had it in me? Recent highlight: The entire staycation was amazing. My SO is amazing. And I now have a D&D-worldmap to play with. Life seems so good. Budget status: Was able to save some money last month. But I'm sure I'll probably spend a lot of it in Japan ? I'm still a tad worried about the money. On short term, we're fine. But I'm going on a crazy trip in 3 weeks so I hope I don't spend too much over there. My one goal for tomorrow: Try and get the Social Media at the office properly done.

Ah, shit man, that sucks. But don't let this setback win from your motivation! You've been doing so well! Why did you think you relapsed?

28/02/19 – 11 pm - Days without games & porn: 11 The place has been cleaned and odd jobs are being taken care of right now. Everything that can't wait for 3 days, has been done right this evening. I didn't go to Krav Maga but after this evening, I can't imagine that I would have had any time to. I want to be able to take my mind off things this weekend, hence my work this evening. Starting from 4 pm tomorrow, I'll be on staycation! And we start anew this Monday as my first day as a part-timer. I'll be here, at home, doing what needs doing. I'm not sure yet how I'll fill my day, but I'm excited and I'm sure I'll totes find something to set my career forwards a step! Today was okay-ish. I spent the best part of the day training my replacement (who thought it was weird that I ironed my clothes and did my own laundry.. Like wtf? Who do you expect would do my household chores? My butler?) and missing my girl. We agreed to call each other but she kind of fell of the planet sinds this afternoon. I hope she's okay... She sometimes falls asleep, so I hope it's that. I'm getting a little bit worried so I might call her. I look forward to tomorrow. Staycation is going to be great! Recent highlight: My girl texting me throughout the day, being her hilarious self. Budget status: Did the math and it's now my second month of minding my budget. It's starting to look like my part-time job will cover my rent, my power bill and a half of my food bills. So my freelancing will need to make up for my 3-monthly insurance bill, gas, food, savings and all recreation. I'm not sure if that's a tall order or not... My one goal for tomorrow: Let go of eeeeeeeeverything at 4 pm and enjoy the staycation! ^^

Dude, you're so detemined, it's starting to look like the guy from Taken was based on you!

28/02/19 – 11 am - Days without games & porn: 11 The gig was definitely something worth feeling redeemed about. I tend to forget how good I’ve mastered Scottish and Irish accents and characters. There was somebody from Glasgow in the crowd who kept complimenting me for how accurate it was. I hung out a bit afterwards with some fun people from Portugal and Slovenia afterwards. A cool night. I feel asleep after reading for the second time. I’m starting to enjoy my book more. I hope I can pick up the habit of reading before sleeping and let go of Netflix soon. I feel like it’d be a healthy move. I’ve been missing my girl a lot. We’ve both been swamped lately. Luckily, we’ll be calling each other tonigh and we’ve got a staycation-weekend ahead of us. Monday is my first day as a part-time freelancer and I’m hell bent to make the most of it. I wonder what I’ll get done that day. I’m skipping Krav Maga tonight again. I feel like it’s been ages since I’ve trained. My knees hurt because my muscles aren’t strong enough anymore. They inflame easily and therefor I need regular exercise. My body aches when I don’t do enough sporty stuff. But I’ll start picking it up again from next week on. Can’t do it tonight because I have no more clean clothes, I need to cook and clean up the place for the staycation. There’s also mails that need sending to producers that I met at the conference on Tuesday and the paperwork for the money of last night’s gig. If I can, I’d like to try and write. Recent highlight: Nailing the accents at the improv gig. I love playing in English. I’m almost funnier in English than I am in my native language. Budget status: This is the second entry I’m doing from work, so I don’t have acces to my budgeting file here. I did have a phone call with my power supplier, we’re going to check on the 22nd of March what we can do about lessening my power bills. I pay over 200 bucks and I feel like the average my friends pay is half. So I called to change it but they could only offer me a cut of 10%. I pressed on to figure out why it’s such a high bill and it turns out they calculated the average use of the past years. But I’ve only lived there for a few months and I don’t even have a tv. So I have to be a more frugal power user. Anyway, we’ll see next month and I want to see that bill reduced and get the money back that I overpaid! My one goal for tomorrow: Call the girlfriend. Do useful stuff after I get home.