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info-gatherer

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Everything posted by info-gatherer

  1. Update: I am really trying hard to be sociable. At the moment I am living in a 6-people dorm & I already met a lot of people from different countries. There’s new people arriving and leaving every day so it’s hard to make lasting friendships, but I almost never were alone in the last days, which is very important to give me confidence. I met George, who is interested in renting a house together, and Nadia, a funny person that always tries to be sociable and makes the environment agreable to everyone. Then I met Jin, a South Korean business student which happens to be a big fan of League of Legends (a korean nerd girl, what a cliché) and we spent a day and a night always together talking about the most various things & for the first time in a long time I felt comfortable talking about videogames as well without having any craving. Sadly she doesn’t live in Paris, but I think we’ll keep in touch by message and maybe we’ll meet again this year. Today I went out with Inas, a german-moroccoan mechanic. Didn’t have a great time to be honest, but I’m grateful for the opportunity of getting to know new people every day. And tomorrow my classes will start. I’m very nervous but I’ll do my best to fit in. Not everything is good. My gf left me & also told me that she cheated on me. I told her that I don’t care as long as she loves me, but she said she’s not sure about that and I hurt her with my indifference in the last two months. In fact I mostly ignored her as I mostly ignored everyone this summer because I did feel depressed. I’m trying to convince her to stay with me because I care for her, and at the same time I feel quite childish behaving like this. Maybe the right thing to do is just accepting that she doesn’t want to be with me anymore. But I think we have a beautiful relationship and I should try to preserve it. I don’t know. A lot of things are happening in my life, I just need to keep an open mind and be a little bit of a “yes man” for once, and I know my happiness will bloom. Checking out, Mattia
  2. The journey begins. I’m already a bit homesick but I know it won’t last long. It usually doesn’t. There’s a new life out there waiting for me and I’ll do my best to make it wonderful. Everything will be fine.
  3. Thanks Tom, I’ll do my best, I promise. I managed to study because I realized the exam was very easy but I only had 7 days left, so I had to just sit morning, afternoon and evening at the table and study. Deadlines usually work with me. The motivation kicks in when it’s almost too late, but it works, so no problem. After the first day I felt a “feeling of pride and accomplishment” for the first time since too long. Studying just gives me joy, but sometimes I forget it.
  4. So, apparently I’m going to Paris after all. Making the effort of studying for the exam dissolved my ennui and got me back on track, giving me confidence and a new perspective. Then I started planning for Paris. The hardest part right now is finding a house. I booked in a hostel until october 1st. I hope 2 weeks will be enough before I find something. Now I’m enjoying my last evening on the beach with my friends. Tomorrow morning I’ll say goodbye to my parents (they’re going to Ireland) and the day after tomorrow I’ll fly to Paris. The only bad thing is I don’t know what’s happening between me and my girlfriend, our relationship is going to waste and neither of us is doing anything meaningful to fix it. I hope things get better soon between us, otherwise... c’est la vie.
  5. Hi Tom! Happy to read you’re doing well ? and you look motivated! Depression is always a tough animal, but commitment towards our goals will help us succeed and feel happy about ourselves ? At least in my experience, depression is only possible when I lose sight of what I want & my objectives & the happiness I hope to find “in” or “behind” them. Of course, happiness is always impermanent. It’s not a possess, but a disposition of the mind, an endless race. We gamers could say “the grind” or “the climb”. We felt good when we climbed those ranks in a mmorpg or a moba, we were chasing something, and we knew what it was. What are you chasing at? Whatever it is, remember that it’s part of your “real” life, which is a hundred times more important than your starcraft account’s rating, isn’t it? Sorry, got a bit carried away while writing this ahah P.S. Just curious, what’s your field of study again? Keep going, you’re doing great!
  6. I am not doing well. The last two weeks I just stayed home doing nothing. Meanwhile, this Monday my gf told me that she doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I know we had some problems but I didn’t expect this. I thought they were minor problems, but apparently she disagrees. We haven’t seen each other for a month, I hope we can talk in person when we meet again and maybe fix those problems. What else? I should already be in Paris but I’m not. I didn’t bother to look for housing or plan anything, so I’m doing the stupidest thing of trying to pass another exam before taking a plane for France, even if my levels of concentration are abysmally low. If I work very hard (today I had a nice studying morning, that’s why I had the confidence to start writing this post) I may be able to take the exam on the 5th of september. If I fail, it’s a double fail, because I traded the Orientation Week in Paris for this exam. The orientation week could have been a way to meet other students and help me find a house, so it was very important, but I was too depressed to think about it so I just lost this opportunity. But if I pass the exam it’s a good thing and maybe even a worthy trade, or however the best possible case scenario right now, so I’ll try my best. Then I’ll go to France next week. edit: I forgot, I played 2 hours of Chess vs the computer. I wanted to try the Play Magnus app, which simulates the playstyle of world champion Magnus Carlssen at a specific age. No big deal but I think it’s always worth mentioning when I am around videogames in my journal, even if it’s not problematic use.
  7. Mate I’m so HAPPY for you! You’re now in the steep part of the learning curve where you learn a lot of things in a short time, plus you’re quite the “dreamer” kind so I imagine the amount of ‘magic’ you have in your life right now. I don’t know why but your post made my day and gave me confidence. Thanks for sharing.
  8. I had a very shitty week. I’m not enjoying my holidays, I lose time, I watch too many movies, I never get out of home/talk to people. I feel quite depressed.
  9. So, tonight I played a videogame after several months. I mentioned wanting to try to play again quite frequently in my last journal entries and I finally tried. I played on a yu-gi-oh online site for 3-4 hours. I have to admit it felt good, as if all my accumulated boredom and unsatisfaction were just wiped away by the game. But at the same time, I felt some dizziness and a sense of pointlessness. I told myself “jesus christ, now I remember why those things suck up so much time: they require a lot of practice to be a good player”. So, some regret slipped into me for forgetting (or pretending to forget) that important lesson. Posting on this journal helped me through difficult times and gave me the strenght to commit when I needed it most. Now I write here again, solemnly vowing not to play again that game or any other game for a very long time. All in all, I don’t regret what I did. I just need to be careful now, because spyraling back into addiction is very easy. I WILL NOT FALL FOR IT. Even when I can’t stand fhe new me, I know how the old me made me feel like a loser every single day. My mother entered my room and saw that I was playing. She said “should I be worried?”. Should she be worried? She shouldn’t. This is very important. I must not fail.
  10. I started with paper, then I just stopped recording because I am just running, not exercising (maybe I'll start next week), and my running times are always incremental so no need to track
  11. @Pierce Oh got it. That’s how I run anyway (not 100% sure because I didn’t watch the whole video yet, I’m on mobile data). Day 8 Not-so-little update on different areas: Boredom Boredom is over the top. I’m not having fun, nor am I doing anything meaningful. Maybe I’m spending time with the wrong people, or maybe it’s just the regret for procrastinating very important things: looking for a house to rent in Paris, answer mid-important emails, and other burocracy that needs to get done asap (2 weeks ago). I watch some movies, I study a little, I hang out a little. Yesterday night I actually had a decent time, tho. Went with my friends to have a pizza on the beach, then had a night swim and some chill conversation. Career Looks like my parents and I agreed that I finish my current degree asap and then we’ll consider an eventual career switch. My plan is graduating with full honors 2 years from now and then switch to a 3-year IT engineering program. Then start working to pay for my last 2 years of engineering. And combine my skills to work in... ba da bum videogame production. I want to transform my addiction into something productive. I know that what I have is a very long term project but I think about all this plan every day and I find it good enough to pursue. Time will speak in my stead and say if it’s a good project or not. Sleep Some trouble waking up at the now usual 8 AM in the last 3 days. I woke up at 12, 11 and 9.30 respectively. I’ll fix this. Videogames I’m considering giving vg another try. I’d love to play LoL but that’s too risky. It’s online and based on elo system. I think I’ll maybe play Pokemon soul silver on the Nintendo DS. I know my detox ended a lot of time ago, but I fear a full relapse. I’m really not sure what to do. I also fear that playing pokemon would feel like a pointless bandaid. Running Upgraded to 30 minutes until yesterday. Yesterday I had to run on the beach, which is much more tiresome, and did only 20 minutes. I am in much better muscular shape but I didn’t lose weight. I guess I need to eat less, plain and simple. Music I completed my first track. It was an engaging and interesting experience. The result is not fantastic, just a beginner’s work, but I’ll share it anyway in case someone is curious.
  12. The fact that you live with your parents is NOT embarassing. Your slip-up on that anime is NOT embarassing either. Acceptance is a difficult path, I know it well. I often say to myself: “look around, see all the foolish people? Why do you even have this low self-esteem?”. I know that if we had enough courage to live our lives instead of escaping them through depressing entertainment we wouldn’t be on this forum in the first place. But you keep building confidence and that’s why you are succeeding. I read some days ago that line about running without a t-shirt to help your self-esteem. I have no problems in that regard (mainly because I gave up on my looks many years ago and I’m 100% fine with just looking like “myself”), but I think that your no-shirt thing can be applied as an example of courage to many different areas. Keep at it.
  13. @Pierce I think that’s called “marching” (?) anyway, thanks for the tip ? Day 3 I had to escape from the seaside because it started raining hard. I didn’t want to miss my daily running, so I drove from our “sea house” to my city (just 15 min drive at high speed) chasing the good weather and I ran in the park there. It was beautiful with the calm vibrations after the storm, when silence gets respected. No screaming, no crying. Just a good piece of music in my earbuds. I ran 25 minutes. Tonight I was working on my first electronic music track and had a blackout in my house. I lost 2 hours of work, which is demotivating. But I’ll go back to it and finish it.
  14. I’m sure there’s very good therapists out there, but before you find one of them you’ll have depleted your bank account already. It’s also extremely difficult to understand if a therapist is worth something or not, because they (freudians, at least) don’t talk. Overall, they’re not well-spent money.
  15. Looks like I can’t use likes anymore. I like content and then after reloading the page the like isn’t there anymore. It’s been like this for a month, I thought it was temporary but it wasn’t. Anyone else experiencing this? I browse from iPhone using Safari @stablish @Cam Adair
  16. I don’t intend to throw this imaginary bomb on the whole category, but in my very personal experience therapists are just huge money sinks (I had 2)
  17. Looks like you’re back at it in full force! I liked the SMDA thing. It feels complete. It’s good to have your positivity here. You’re an achiever, and inspire others to achieve. It’s always like this, but you’ve been fighting your addiction long enough to perfectly know that a real life achievement feels much different than a videogame achievement. The latter is ephimeral, and full of regret. The former gives you joy and a sense of real progress. Well done choosing what’s best for you.
  18. Current habit: Daily running. Start date: Wednesday 1 August 2018. Expected end date: Friday 31 August 2018. Day 1 Yesterday I did 18 min running without stopping. My goal is adding 5 min every two or three days and stabilize at 30 min. Even 18 min is very hard for me, also because of the weather (too hot), but I know that a week from now I will feel much better. Day 2 Today it went much better. Ran without a clock but I guess I ran 20 minutes. Now my legs are sore ?
  19. Intense cravings to game today. I’m not stressed and I’m not using it to cope with my life, I think. I just want to play so bad. It’s been a long time. I’m not more bored than usual, not more sad or anything. I don’t know why: I just want to play and “reward” myself after intense months of study. I am on holidays and I keep studying and spending time with my family most of the time. Maybe that’s what I’m trying to escape: this feeling of platitude? Also, I “fear” that if I don’t play this month, I won’t be able to play for a long time even if I want to, because my life will be super busy when I’ll move to Paris in early september. I know that the cravings are strong because I’m a recovering addict and I will “always” be. Tomorrow I will start my daily running & exercising plan. I’d really like to spend a couple days playing but I also know it’s too dangerous. I’m quite sad.
  20. Hey! Yes, sports are similar to videogames. The “jokers” category was in fact invented to describe the difference between games and sports. I extended it to videogames, I find them more similar to sports than games (guess what? They’re called e-sports now). And yes, there are non-competitive games, but discussing that would take us far away from the current topic. I made the example of LoL because it’s the most addictive game out there and it can serve as a paragon. Also, I need to add that I didn’t mean to convey the idea that normal games (hide and seek) are not competitive. They are very competitive, and that’s why they are fun. But the difference, both in my personal experience and from a theoric standpoint, is that they stop to be competitive the second the game finishes. They are cathartic, like greek drama, they reconcile the players, the winner and the loser. Videogames, instead, aren’t cathartic. I’ve seen a friend of mine smash his mouse on the ground and screaming after losing a LoL game. They keep the competition alive even after the match has ended. They don’t reconcile souls, and they’re specifically designed to work like this, so that you want to play more and more. Again, just my two cents. This is my personal opinion on a topic I thought a lot about in the last months (since when I quit). But the real, complete answers keep eluding me and would take a lot of dedication to be found.
  21. This is a very difficult topic and a proper answer would take me hours, so I’ll just write a little thought: “games” are not the same thing we get addicted to. Videogames are games, yes, but they’re also industrial products specifically manufactured to get us hooked. Daily quests, grinding, measurable progress, loot boxes: everything is in place for you to spend countless hours on it. Also, while traditional games (hide and seek) are inherently social, altruistic, and without an endgame (there’s no “goal”, players switch roles every round, and winning is not important), videogames (League of Legends) are inherently antisocial, egoistic, win-driven. In the words of actor Carmelo Bene (the same words of the french psychologist and philosopher Jacques Lacan), there’s a sensible difference between “games” and “jokes”. In games, the players give up individuality to constitute a whole (the game is more important than the player). In “jokes” (the term is of course derogatory), jokers are focused on themselves, they don’t forget themselves, they just want to win, thus destroying the purpose of a game, which is, to be social in a creative, fun and primordial (dionysiac) way. Games are linked to the domains of animality, sex, theater, war, poetry, fun, folly. Jokes are linked to the domains of power, work, struggle, warfare. In short, we don’t play videogames for the same reasons we play games. Of course this is just an unkempt opinion, and should be made object of further investigation and revision, but I think the core of what I wrote reflects what I think about this topic with a decent grade of accuracy.
  22. Day 186 So, my mobile carrier gifted me 15€ bonus for online gambling (Jesus Christ what’s the matter with regulations now that I think about it???). Anyway, I went and played a game that consisted in revealing a picture by clicking on it and then revealing other hidden pictures. If two of them were identical, I won. Halfway through the process I stopped for a moment and thought: oh wait, does this count as a videogame? I guess the answer is somewhere nearer to “yes” than “no”, so I guess I played a videogame today. I’m not resetting my counter (I don’t think this is a relapse) but I wanted to share this for two reasons: 1 I want to commit to never playing it again. 2 I want to show how insidious gamification is, I was playing a videogame without even knowing it. Have a nice day
  23. I think I’m looking for something a bit different. I’m thinking of something similar to the SmokeFree app, that one not only tracks the days of abstinence but also your health progress, reduced health risk, cravings, etc
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