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info-gatherer
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Posts posted by info-gatherer
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Day 2
Another good day ?
I’m really concerned about the amount of money I am spending on trying to change my diet. I am following a coaching program that tells me what to buy and what recipe should I cook, but every time there’s 10+ ingredients and I seldom have any of them at home. I fear I may need to stop using it. I hope that prices will drop when my fridge will be stacked.
Went to course, had a nice chat, spent time with C., cooked those difficult meals, in particular a Jerk Chicken that took me 2 hours but was so worth it. Also, my body feels better. Placebo or improvement? We’ll see!
Better spending my time like this than browsing the net, anyway.
Tomorrow I have double course and first Futsball match! Also, I prepared a lunchbox for the first time in my life.
Now I will answer some messages, watch an episode of a series and go to bed.
checking out, i-g
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Day 1
Great day!
I went to the first course of the second semester which was very good. Despite being very young, the professor looks competent and at ease with the class. Had a good time. I also met a very interesting person and we had lunch together. I’m seeing her again tomorrow at course.
In the afternoon I went to the gym for the first time. I’m still learning the machines and I don’t have a workout program yet, but the teachers will help me. I’d like to go tomorrow too, but without a program it feels pointless. I’ll just wait for next week, the teacher said we’re going to develop a specific training schedule for everyone.
In the late afternoon I studied a couple hours, then I tried to go running but I had to stop after 10 minutes because otherwise I was going to hurt my muscles due to excess of exercise.
No superfluous internet.
On the nutrition side, I bought a lot of vegetables and had the healthiest dinner I can remember. Also, I had it in good company, with C. and some pink wine.
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Day 0
out of 90
very long post
because I’m BACK AT IT, bietschez!
It doesn’t make any sense not to look at the phone first thing in the morning if then I spend the rest of the day with phone in hand. So I’m resetting my counter and this is going to be serious. It’s almost the anniversary of one year without gaming, after all. Time to move on. I feel ready to move on and
CUT MY SCREEN TIME DRASTICALLY.
Right now I’m browsing the net and living life in the breaks. Now I’ll start to do the opposite. In particular, I deleted all apps that have a feed (reddit, facebook, youtube...). I also issue a temporary ban (90 days) on all kind of vaping forums and content, and tracker forums. I will also restrict my general browsing usage and be accountable for it on this diary. I will grant myself unlimited time and access to this forum.
Instead of browsing the net, I will ofc study, but also (here’s the news)
IMPROVE MY PHYSICAL CONDITION.
Today I enrolled to a gym course (mondays) that gives me limited (but enough) access to the gym. Also, I enrolled to a Futsal course (thursdays).
Goals
EXERCISING REGULARLY, at least 3 times a week. If I don’t, I will consider it as a relapse. Minimum amount of workout is either 30 min running, 30 min of gym or futsal match.
VISIBLE MUSCLES IN 3 MONTHS. The reason for this is quite strange and intricated. It involves the end of a blog of critics of literature, Pasolini’s stance on the limits of an ideologizedly anti-appearence approach to life, and the desire to surprise my girlfriend with a new, better physical shape (desire of validation). I really don’t know if 3 months is an ok time or not. I know nothing about nutrition and anatomy. We’ll see!
Talking about nutrition, I really want to learn more and start eating healthier.
I CANNOT CONTINUE TO LIE TO MYSELF EVERY DAY SAYING THAT I DON’T HAVE TIME TO DO ALL THIS IF I BROWSE THE NET 4 HOURS A DAY!
I know that all of this will take time out of my studies, but I’m ok with it. It’s the start of the semester, there’s really no better time. And it needs to be done.
I feel quite confident (which happens to be the same phrase that concluded my first post ever on this website).
I’ll conclude with my day (fast resume):
woke up early, did bureaucracy for university, enrolled in gym courses, bought 150€ of various workout clothes at Decathlon, went running and found a crazy place to do it not too far from home (Paris-Sorbonne Pierre et Marie Curie Campus). Came back home at 8PM. What I’ll do now: have dinner and read a book, prepare my clothes and bag for tomorrow. Tomorrow: course at uni 10-12AM; fitness course 14-16 iirc.
Posting a photo of my weekly schedule, so if someone wants to assassinate me, you know where to find me. Pen is mandatory, pencil is optionals.
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Day 18
Spent the last 3 hours of my life with phone in hand and the thought of journaling didn’t cross my mind. How ironic it does now, when I’ve almost closed my eyes.
Had quite a productive and uneventful day. I studied, washed my clothes, didn’t waste too much time. Evening in bed with phone, as mentioned.
Highlight: had a nice chat with my flatmate
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Day 17
Spent the day between internet, study and basic chores. Went to the library in the afternoon. On the way home I hurt my leg. I'm thinking about starting to go to the gym. I always hated the gym, but in this moment of my life I think I just need some tiresome and painful physical activity to unwind. I need to look into that possibility with more attention. I'm not sure it's doable from a logistic standpoint but I'll see.
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Day 16
The exam didn’t go well, as expected. I spent the day planning the 2nd semester and studying. Now I’m at home. I’m very tired. As it happens, I have a weird situation at home. My flatmate Marie invited friends over and I tried to talk and be nice but they don’t look interested so I just went to my room which is not a real room but a part of the living room hidden by a fake door. I’m so tired I don’t even feel social anxiety. I slept 5 hours yesterday. I just want to fall asleep.
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On 1/10/2019 at 12:25 AM, Samon said:
Nothing bad at it, some normal days are pretty good!
Yes they are.
Day 15
Omg again I almost forgot to journal, I remember at the last possible second before going to bed. I spent the morning in bed, talking and joking with C. The whole afternoon at the library. I had a frozen Cous-cous for dinner on the go and I kept studying until midnight. Tomorrow I have my last exam of the semester. I didn’t study, this time (guess last day doesn’t count) so I’m probably going to fail it unless I can supply to my specific ignorance with general knowledge. I’ll see tomorrow. I’ll try anyway, because, as always, it’s all about trying.
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Day 14
I really don’t feel like sharing what I did today. I don’t know why. I had a very normal day, anyway. And I feel good, clean and happy. Just checking in.
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Day 13
I almost forgot to journal. I spent the whole day in Camille’s apartment. She had to study, so I studied too. At least I tried. Getting back on track is always a bit traumatic. I cooked for her and cleaned a bit her place. Just, you know, being kind, for once. I missed her and I’m happy to be here, again. Right now she’s finishing the revision of a paper that’s due tomorrow. I hope she finishes fast so we can watch the new Black Mirror episode before going to sleep.
checking out,
info-gatherer
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Day 12, morning
The journey begins again. I’m typing this as I sit on the train that’ll bring me to the airport, while the familiar landscape of my land goes by. Here it’s so hot it’s almost summer, and the air is crystal clear. In 6 hours I’ll be in my dear, dirty, freezing Paris.
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Thanks ? On this forum I learned to have a more pragmatic approach to life. I mean.. I know that many things I do now wouldn't work if I didn't believe that they can work. It's self-conviction and self-fooling. It puts you in a more positive mindset, thus helping you to succeed. Like self-fulfilling prophecies.
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I just add that many users here are mentioning (in good faith) the possibility of a relapse. I think that since you're trying, you deserve all the trust. Relapse is not necessarily going to happen. I wish you good luck with your journey.
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Day 11
Today I had lunch with my whole family to celebrate the Epiphany and my birthday which is going to be tomorrow (well technically it’s past midnight so it’s my birthday already). I had a nice time. Then I went shopping with my father and I bought a training suit for running. Assembled my luggage, went to say goodbye to my grandparents, I’m ready to go. Tomorrow morning I’m going back to Paris. Nostalgic moment as usual. I regret the way I spent my last week of holidays but now I just want to look forward and have a great new year ?
What are your resolutions for the new year? Mine is: try and be happier. It’s a hard one but I just need to listen to my inner voice.
Checking out,
info-gatherer
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Ironically, I’m currently having drinks with three old friends of mine, a lawyer, an engineer and an (almost) doctor. I thank them for the reality check, I’ll try not to waste my life from now on, finish my degree fast and catch up with them. I know I can.
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On 1/2/2019 at 9:53 PM, Deku said:
This is the wall I'll have to climb if I want to go to medical school.
Having a wall to climb is a good way of giving direction to your life. The wall is there, you can’t be mistaken, there’s only one way in. Good luck with the climb.
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17 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:
I also noticed how much more emotion I experience, in strength and how often it occurs, now that I am not distracting myself with gaming. I have a lot of feelings, I love deeply and I care deeply for those few people in my life - and that is okay. Just my observation post-abstinence from games. I guess in a way, for some emotions (like missing someone you love), gaming worked as a numbing pill, a drug, right? It could be.
?Aka brain fog. I remember I used to even dream about gaming, every night. When you have an addiction in your life, there’s no space for, say, emotions. You just keep gaming over and over, your sense of “being present” fades day after day. Usually you even notice it, too. Other people notice for sure.
About the weight concern (you probably mentioned it but I didn’t read your journal yet) what’s your relationship with exercising? Not only as a way to get in a better physical shape but also in a better mental shape, as @Silverlining mentioned in my journal.
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4 hours ago, RS Addict said:
I don't want to give unsolicited advice but maybe spending all day at home browsing the internet might cause a relapse. I'm sure you are already aware.
Uhm in fact yesterday I played some games of chess online. I don’t count it as a relapse. It’s just some chess. In fact, a relapse is probably not even possible for me right now. I didn’t play games for almost one year. I’m going back to france in 2 days, try and probably fail my last exam in 5 days and then start a new semester with a fresh head.
I sometimes miss videogames in my life, when I wake up on a pale sunday morning that promises to be calm and uneventful, and I’d just like to play the whole day. What I miss right now, in my last days, is something totally different. I think I miss myself. I don’t know what I’m doing or why I’m doing it. What I study is sometimes super fascinating, but most of the time just plain boring. Also, I work at a level of complexity that doesn’t allow me to see clear anymore. Nonetheless, I am so close to getting my degree that stopping now isn’t an option.
I have no particular political stances, my moral values are more or less standard, my aesthetical and philosophical concerns are elitist and lonely. My levels of empathy are low. I can feel love but usually not friendship. I may have some friends but I don’t have a social life. My communicational skills are poor. I don’t have money problems but in the future I will need to work and study at the same time if I’ll decide to get another degree. I have big arguements with my sister for who’s to drive the car.
My dream of writing is just a dream. My dream of cinema is just a dream. I’d like to receive a normal life in compensation, but what I get is this perpetual state of in-between that leads me to inaction. I’m too scared to pursue and too reckless to give up. My childhood world is disappearing. My friends are leaving me as I am leaving them. On Christmas day there’s always someone missing. My parents are getting old, my grandparents are going to die and I’m not going to be there. There’s this song from Einsturzende Neubauten that says, quoting, “if the future isn’t bright, at least, it’s colorful”. I gave up the colors to pursue brightness and I knew it would be hard if I failed and I feel like I failed, just like everyone else. I knew it would be difficult, but I didn’t expect to suffer from chronic depression or social anxiety, or have suicidal thoughts. I didn’t ever expect to be diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder. Or maybe I expected it and I thought it would be cool, it would make me different and special. It didn’t, and it wasn’t cool. I didn’t ever dream about having money concerns, career concerns, either. My school friends are engineers and lawyers and doctors. I didn’t want to be like that back then, now I’m jealous. Now I’m grown up and all I’ve got is this mental cage I built around myself to account for my stagnation. What I’m writing has to be a description of that very cage. I never give up hope, because maybe hope won’t save me in the future, but it saves me now. And if you’re me, that’s enough to ask for.
I think this answers your question, too, oh my fast and impermanent, pale-eyed @fawn_xoxo
P.S. I remember going to feed the fawns and deers with my mom and dad when I was very little. They were calm and benevolent, and my time went slow.
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Day 9
Just checking in. Another uneventful day. I think my parents argued and aren’t talking to each other or something. I’m not partecipating to family life anyway, since I spend all day mindlessly browsing the net.
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Day 8
Well, my friends, I didn’t do shit today, but my goal is coming here and journal everyday, even when it means confessing that not only I failed but I really don’t give a damn about it ?
I just hope it’s not a sign of coming depression...
Naaaah, I just need to stay positive ^^
@Silverlining what about emotionally tired?
@fawn_xoxo thanks for trying, really, you just choose the wrong day
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Day 7
Spent the whole day the whole day with phone in hand checking vaping theorycrafting videos and reviews. I really needed to rest, but I’m sure I could find better ways if I tried.
I think today I set my personal mobile phone usage record.
Tomorrow I should study, but I really don’t feel like it. I’m writing this because I want to be honest to myself. Nonetheless, I know that I need to try harder if I want to have a bright future.
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Happy new year mate. Don’t beat up yourself, holidays are killers for everyone. But no worries, let’s hang in there, we’re going back to work soon ?
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@Laney The “swiping game” is a good 50% of the fun imho. Of course you need the right amount of success every now and then, otherwise it just gets stale and boring. About the possibility of it being addictive, yes, I can see the potential, but luckily I didn’t get too hooked ?
@Cam Adair Thanks boss! I hope you’re doing fine! & happy 2019
Day 6
Another physically destructive day. The last for at least one week, I hope. Tomorrow I’d like to go running. It’s really been a while. On a train back home right now. One week with my parents & then back to France. Many things happened, good and bad, but today this is a log, not an intimate journal.
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Day 5
I probably won’t be able to journal today either. But it’s new year, so it’s time to wish for positive changes in my life. To be honest, I’m quite happy with the direction my life is taking. I hope the new year brings me more confidence & less shame. I wish you all a happy new year and good luck with your journey. Sincerely,
M.
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3 hours ago, Matt S said:
Thank you. I'd explain, but it's already in the previous posts. Porn is just very addicting for many ways, which I've been uncovering for some time now.
Hey. I didn’t mean to say that porn is not addictive, just to be clear ?
It's never over. Another afterparty journal
in Daily Journals
Posted
Very hard day. Now I’m on the bed with a headache. I’ll journal more extensively tomorrow.