DaBest

I'm embarrassed to be writing this, and I've been putting it off for about a month now. There may or may not be a lot of swearing in this. For the past month, I've fucked up...hard. No games streak broken--just missed a year by a few weeks. Anxiety/depression/hypervigilance through the roof. Barely doing any work (my boss is a saint). Weight has fluctuated like crazy. I've seen people three times since I've started isolating around March 11th or so. I've had some really bad thoughts. Sleep cycle wacked out. Been skipping online improv practices. The 'rona is everywhere. I've been living on my couch. And I'm practicing chess with the sole purpose of the joy it gives me to beat the shit out of my father in a way that won't get me thrown in jail. I've done every possible thing to avoid reality in the past month or so, less drugs and alcohol cause I don't have any. Though, sometimes I welcomed using my new allergy meds since they make me drowsy. I didn't realize the normally crippling feeling of overwhelm I usually felt had a few extra notches further on the dial. Just tonight too, I found out that a stainless steel pipe literally just snapped off a tank at work, and it needs to get fixed...tomorrow...which is in a few hours. Yet here I am. If I'm being honest, the longer this shit goes on, the more I want to just french kiss 15 people in an ER right now. And I'm not just talking about the virus--I'm also talking about me and MY behavior. I'm disgusted at myself. I'd call this rock-bottom again but it feels like I hit it every other day. If I'm also honest, I want pity, but I sure as fuck know I don't deserve it. If I'm honest, I would love to just live my life as a spoiled child and hide from everything. If I'm being honest, I deserve to be fired. If I'm being honest, I feel weak as fuck right now, and I know I should and could be much stronger. Yet here I am, a man-child pussy. The only positive thing is that my parents have listened to me and have avoided getting infected in an area with a higher concentration of cases than New York City, per capita. Here's all of what I've been hiding. I just want to be honest with myself for a moment and unburden. What the hell did I learn from all this? League of Legends must be what heroin feels like for some people, less the whole conking out part. I forgot how wonderfully (yes, wonderfully) entrancing that game is. My therapist said it was putting me in a state of "hypervigilance," which after checking that out...yeah, it fits the bill. Spent the whole Easter weekend playing. For three days, all of the above feelings and problems disappeared, and all I had to do was furiously click and type a couple letters at a time. I went from feeling like a 0-1 out of 10 to a solid 8-9. I've done stuff like this for my whole life. Now that I can look back on that weekend with some distance and see how my whole life--especially when I was a kid--revolved around this. Ironically, running was the only sport I was kind of good at. Who knew I was even better mentally? I cannot stress how stark the feelings are between the two. I fully comprehend why anyone who felt like this would do drugs/alcohol/some other addictive behavior. To do the opposite is insanity. I also cannot play games with my friend in Bangladesh, which sucks. We started playing StarCraft 2. I had no experience with it prior. It was fine and we'd play together for the most part, which was my one gaming rule, but eventually I hit ranked and everything changed. That added dose of competition and ranking up was the last cog, and I took off running after that. I sucked serious ass though. This actually happened before the League stuff and was how I broke my streak. I went through a couple of reinstall cycles before I said fuck it for good. We are going to try and play single-player games solely from his computer. If I didn't have this problem, this would be much better. My friend is a very good person. I should tell him so. Twitch has replaced my social interactions. I now understand celebrity and charisma. That's all it is. For that, it's not the gaming more so than the feeling like you're playing the game with a friend who'll never betray you. It's friend porn. I miss working out. I've done a couple of at home workouts, but obviously the discipline hasn't been there. My hand actually feels better though, so the time off wasn't all worthless. It has also rekindled a past joy for Nascar and racing sims. Man I miss sports. So I'm missing positive emotion, friendship, connection, and maybe a dash of hope right now. So what the hell am I going to do? Start here by laying it all out. Forgive myself a little because I grew a bit last year for my efforts, and that they weren't all for nought. Treat this like a learning experience I never want to experience again. I also turned on my blockers today. I want to meditate for thirty minutes today. Notice, I don't trust myself to do much of anything right now. Eventually, I want to start attacking my anxiety with a fucking machete. For now, I just want to use the meditation to be more mindful of where it's coming from. Realistically, there's a laundry list of stuff I need to be doing, including laundry. I need to just not pressure myself with overcommittments. This is what it is. It's in the past. Please don't feed the bear and give me any pity. I'm sorry for my actions.

Welcome fe2! Next time this happens, try asking yourself what you were doing and thinking before you do this. Some people call this different things, but often it goes by "cue-->habit/routine-->reward." Some stimulus or feeling will trigger you to do something, which provides some kind of reward. Once you know how this applies to you watching videos, you can create new habits to either avoid or replace the behavior. For example someone who is addicted to video games may have something like this: Cue--feelings of loneliness or boredom. Habit/Routine--play video games. Reward--escapism, no feelings of lonliness or boredom.

@Erik2.0, I'm with you on that. Three hours of Skyping? Geez. Even if it's a loved one, it's hard to call for that long. At least you can still help these kids out despite this mess. You're doing good. --- Today was a little better. I got to bed late last night again, but earlier than the night before. I was a idiot and forgot to turn the oven on when I put the food in--I just turned on the timer. Kept me up til 1:30. Got up earlier today, but spent a lot of time checking the coronavirus news. I might be a doctor by the end of this, haha. Markets were crazy today which distracted me a bit as well. I still got a productive day in, but it was less productive than yesterday. I'll be more mindful of this tomorrow as things are pretty predictable right now as far as headlines go. Things are getting worse, governments are still waking up to the issues at hand, and more and more cases are popping up in my area. What's more, a Skype conversation with someone from work makes me think they have the virus. Said they were home sick, but gave really cryptic messages back, which was unlike them. That sucks because he is one of my favorite people at work. We are constantly very inappropriate when no one is listening and have a similar sense of humor. It's very refreshing. I hope he gets better soon. After work I called home again and walked to a park near where I live just to get out for a bit. Then I checked out some more news, and watched some videos on charisma. I cooked some rice. I live a very exciting life right now. Tonight I'll get to bed earlier and get up earlier. I'll cut down some on the news tomorrow.

Fathers can be weird with stuff like doling out compliments and even simply saying "I love you" to their kids. My dad only ever really complimented me on my schoolwork and on how smart I was. I offhand mentioned something to my mother the other day about him and how I don't understand his general behavior, and then she began to tell me of how he apparently doesn't shut up about how wonderful I am when I'm not around. It's really strange. Your dad is probably proud of you, but too afraid (or something else) to say it. I feel like most people don't say stuff like that to people in general anyway, but maybe that's just because I'm a horrible person 🙂

@Erik2.0 That's good to hear you stocked up. Personally, I'm trying to avoid going back to the grocery store until daily new cases in my area starts going down. We aren't in a full lock down yet, but we are very close I think. I think once we start seeing real strain on the NYC and probably Washington state health care systems, we will have a lockdown where I live too, and possibly national (if they were smart). NYC will probably unilaterally announce a lockdown, angering Andrew Cuomo, but ultimately forcing his hand and shutting New York state. --- Stayed up late and woke up late. Was very distracted by the markets while I worked today, but I still managed a decent workday. I miss seeing my coworkers in person, though I know it is best to stay away. I will stay strong. On the bright side though, I save a lot of time from commuting and dressing up to go to work. Sweatpants are a gift from heaven. I will do some stretching after this and work on a routine for my day. I have some food cooking so I need to have that finish up before I go to sleep. Everyone stay strong and stay safe. We will get through this.

Stayed up a bit late last night. Had to return a library book (which I hope someone checks in since the library is now closed from now through forever). Figured I'd make a grocery store run at 2 AM for some meat because I'm gonna miss it and I didn't realize how little I stocked. The place was ransacked. I was amazed. People are finally getting the picture, thank goodness. I was very paranoid, AND the cashier was sick. She joked "maybe I should quarantine myself." Haha, fuck you. I found out today I got my dad to try and convince his sailing club and his finanical club to cancel their events. My dad stupidly went out on both days this weekend even though he's getting up there in age, but after he thought about it some more, he started to spread the good word. That makes me happy. I also wrote a letter with info to my improv team with information on how the next few weeks will go. Seemed to go over well. One of them said they wanted to forward it along. This also makes me happy. I have an appointment to fill a cavity tomorrow. Then I might go donate blood because there's a shortage and that will be very bad too. It'd be my first time. After this I'm gonna have dinner and work. Going to get off the computer for the rest of the night. Everybody stay calm. We are going to be okay. We just need to work together.

Lol no. In case anyone was getting any ideas... 😉

@BooksandTrees, I have a few ideas in mind. I was learning a bit of Japanese but fell off the wagon with that. It's fun but I have no use for it. Two areas I'll probably delve into are charisma and comedy. @Erik2.0, yeah I'm taking a little bit of a break from it since I'm all on on coronavirus research and my internet time has gone way up. I might start doing it again this week. I just need to get back to posting on a consistent basis first, and really hammer out a home routine. Still don't have a good one. --- I've been drinking dat corona all evening. Cases are going ever higher in my area. For the most part though, the local government has been much more proactive than the federal government so that's good, but it's still not enough. I still don't think people understand how bad things are going to get and how much we need to just band together for a few months to burn this virus out. If anyone wants to, read the op-ed on Bloomberg from Mohamed El-Arian. That blip up in the market on Friday is going to look very irrational very quick, I think. I I am Mr. Gloom-and-Doom, haha. I actually didn't touch my laptop until after 5 which was good, but I did go on my phone. I did some cleaning today and went for a brief, semi-secluded walk because I was cooped up and the weather was nice. I was really paranoid during that though. Geez. Tomorrow I need to do work-work. I'm going to avoid any phone or laptop updates until 5 again. Work on being okay with silence.

Don't ever be afraid to give advice in your group. You're the therapy expert in that group, and they are there for a reason. Not everyone is 100% receptive to any advice anyway, and if you're dealing with someone whose brain isn't working properly, who is to say that their response to your advice is valid? It sucks when people act derisively like that, but stay strong and keep going. Eventually you will get really good at group therapy! And sorry to hear the fellowship group didn't work out. I went to one of those a few years ago too. I got a weird vibe the whole time like people were judging me the whole time for not appearing "holy" enough. It's a weird thing. What's your next social idea?

Wow, did this turn into the coronavirus journal. I feel like I'm missing out! You are 100% spot on with the patterns in those trends (though the numbers themselves may be vastly underreported in each with maybe the exception of South Korea). The China graph is great news. At first, they ignored the issue, saw exponential growth like in the start of any epidemic, and then saw tapering due to very restrictive (but effective) isolation and quarantine procedures. They would've been fucked if they didn't. Other countries which ignored, or didn't know include the US and Europe, and since they started later, we are still in exponential growth. Italy is a bit further along than the US is--the US is about two to three weeks behind in both count and restrictions. Iran is the most extreme example of this group, at this point. The UK will probably be extreme too since right now they said they are going to delay the spread for now, and then actually plan on having 60% of their population get sick by the summer--intentionally--so you can burn the virus out by reducing the amount of potential hosts that are left due to acquired immunity. They are like the anti-China, and that's kind of dumb since if China does truly have it under control by now, they are unnecessarily making things worse for themselves. South Korea saw this and didn't want to go down that road and started testing practically everyone, including everyone in a 200,000 person megachurch. They pioneered the "drive-through" testing that many places are starting, which is much better about minimizing hospital spread of disease. They aggressively traced contacts and imposed quarantines. They used peoples cell phone data to track stores they went to, and then made apps to warn people if they were within 100 meters of a site visited by someone confirmed infected. They went balls out on the virus, and as a result of that, growth has been significantly slowed, which A) ensures more beds are available for virus patients who need it, saving lives and B) helps their economy because people can more safely go to work since they have things very contained compared to some other country that I live in. South Korea is doing an awesome job. Hong Kong, Singapore, and to an extent Japan are in this boat. I just needed to nerd out for a second. I'm terrified and fascinated at the same time. Learning more about this is calming in a way. --- And sorry to hear about your test getting cancelled. That's frustrating since you've really made a lot of adjustments to your life plans to accomplish this. Enjoy the enforced spaced-repetition learning! I say you're spot on with the house assessment. If you're looking to buy in sometime after the summer/fall, there will probably be a price drop and a bunch of foreclosures on the market (if that's your thing).

@BooksandTrees, I do too! The emails from site leadership very quickly changed today. They went a step further but not far enough yet. That will change by Sunday, I think. Detected cases went up by half today. I am in no way supporting any coronavirus treatment manufacturing. If I did, I'd be like that lady in Contagion that just injected herself with a vaccine without testing it, haha. There are some other companies in the area which are though. Yeah, I definitely can't give up comedy at this point. It's been too valuable in many ways. @Erik2.0, well if your mom is going, I guess it doesn't make much difference then now does it? And thank you, I'll take all the luck I can get. I made a mistake today though by reinvesting some of my prior sales in a bond ETF, but I realized today I was going to miss a huge opportunity with the national emergency declaration--any cash from the sales I made would've been unsettled, so any trading with that money could've put a trading restriction on my account as far as I understand it. This is the closest thing I've ever done to day trading. That was a mistake on my part. --- Today was meh. I slept through my alarms, missed my appointment, but was able to reschedule since everyone realizes how dumb it is to go to a dentist's office right now, haha. Sure enough, I need the cavity filled ASAP. Monday morning, yeah more exposure! I also denied giving a handshake to my dentist, which in retrospect is kind of dumb considering he just had his fingers in my mouth, lol. I was not productive today. I was distracted on my laptop. I might have to say no to going on my personal laptop until after 5 or something like that. I did do some work though. It will be very tempting to game over the next few weeks depending on how long I am stuck at home. I hope I do not. I'd be nice to make it a whole year. I'm close. Tomorrow will be better. I will get to bed at a reasonable hour tonight and turn off my computer once I finish checking out the forum. Yeah, and I won't touch this laptop until 5.

*Legal: I am not a doctor* You're younger then the most at risk age groups--60 and up with things like hypertension and diabetes--so statistically speaking, you're not going to die. It's not to say that getting it is good for you though. There's also the potential for long recovery times. Going to the gym will increase your risk of picking up the disease by the nature that it is a public shared-use space. It's your call. You also might want to be cognizant that if you are around people over 60, you catching the virus could mean that you could transmit it onto them as well, which might not be the best since that is the most at-risk group. It's your decision on what to do, but in short, going to the gym will increase your chances of getting the virus, especially if an outbreak has already started in your area. That's just statistics. I accidentally overstocked on food. I wanted to give myself a month but I lost track and ended up buying two months of food (and before anyone accuses me of adding to the empty shelves these past few weeks, I took care of this WEEKS in advance of the rush--I get my panic buying in early.) Tomorrow I have a dentist's appointment (shit timing and I have a cavity, so I really have to go still) and want to get my oil changed in my car, then I'm probably holing up for two weeks to let public policy, testing, and quarantining pick up. --- Today was weird. Things have been weird recently. Was up way too late but still got in on time. Found out I'm now multiple routes of two degrees of separation from the virus at work. In my area cases are very underreported. Was not very happy with the actions we were taking and told some very senior people at my site about it. Surprisingly, they were on my side for the most part., though that didn't change the actions taken. I am hoping that my input will help influence more proactive measures. This is remarkably assertive for me. Told my boss I'm working from home, because if everyone gets sick, I'm running the process. I'm going to keep this thing going for as long as I can, because people need their medicine and I will not put their lives at risk, even if that means rankling some feathers. We are starting to lose people in general to quarantine and being stuck in other countries while on vacation. I also sold another half of my stock last night after watching Donald talk. That was a good call. If the market waits til Monday, I might be able to buy a "dead-cat bounce," but that all depends on this weekends headlines. I am heartened somewhat though by the rash of cancellations of things over the past 48 hours. That will save many lives and make this pandemic much more bearable. Oh and I'm a professional comedian now! I got paid from my last gig. $7. Problem is almost all our shows are canceled now. I'm going to be off the computer much earlier tonight. Yay.

Thank you all for the messages. @ElectroNugget, I am going to be blockers off for at least a little while longer, but hopefully with more discipline. Today was better. @Erik2.0, I'm not concerned about dying. My chances are low, and I'm not worried about me anyway. Had to look it up--flu infects roughly 30 million people in the US every year, and that usually causes 15-60k deaths. The problem with this whole pandemic though is the rapidity in which it spreads (expontential) and the percentage of cases (10-20%) which require significant intervention in hospitals (more frequently the elderly and already sick). Imagine if New York City (roughly 8 million people), had 10 percent of it's population seeking hospital services at the same time. 800 K people at once? No way, Jose. Because of the immense strain this is putting on national healthcare systems (re: China, Italy, etc.), it is literally shutting down countries just to mitigate the impact, thereby shutting down economies and creating a widespread global recession and supply chain collapse. Oh, and the best part about this, the healthcare system is doubly impacted in so far that hospitals in heavily affected areas don't have the resources to treat non-coronavirus patients, which is exacerbated since global supply chains are shut down. I work in a plant that makes fancy cancer medicine. All of our raw materials, equipment, spare parts, etc., come from different countries--the US, China, Germany, UK, Japan, etc. If we lose our supply of these items...no more fancy cancer medicine. It's the same issue that ANY medical company has right now. It's a really sucky situation. I could keep going on. In short, the coronavirus will kill an equivalent amount of people if it can infect at least one tenth of what the flu infects in a given year, but there will be scores of indirect deaths due to health care and supply chain collapse, coupled with incompetent government response (hi Donnie). Society won't collapse--there will be strife--but 2020 will be known in history as similar to 1918 with the Spanish flu. Forewarned is forearmed. --- Oh a post. Just checking in. It's late, but a lot of my time I've spent on the computer has been "productive." To the point of the long paragraph before, I'm trying to make sure my site keeps running and creating product for as long as possible, and I'm going to have a conversation tomorrow with the powers that be. I don't think everyone fully grasps how quickly things can shut down, and we need to have the right plans in place to mitigate that. Things in my area are getting worse, and we are probably 2 weeks behind Italy on a case curve, notwithstanding the undetected cases due to lack of testing. In a weird way, this is one of the best times I've managed my anxiety. Focus on the big scary thing and be prepared for it, and help those who didn't see and couldn't prepare appropriately. Keep the plant running. See the future, understand the risks, and be proactive. Makes me realize I don't do enough preparing for all the social issues I have. Food for thought when everyone is isolating, haha.

Don't know what day this is. I've been a bit of a mess recently and avoiding posting. The blockers have been off and it's been difficult to not lapse into bad habits. I've been spending a lot of time researching this whole coronavirus thing for a few reasons (in order of importance): 1) Not getting my parents sick when they visited last weekend. 2) Not adding to the burden when it washes through my town. 3) Not losing all of my money on the market (dat sweet alpha...) 4) Preparing for social isolation...wait, I'm good at that. I believe I was successful with the first, though I am sick. I may have allergies for the first time. Also think I had a sinus infection a while ago. Nonetheless, I feel like a leper right now. I am going to the doctor though tomorrow since my doc thought it was a sinus infection and the antibiotics haven't worked. Had a small not-quite-clinical fever yesterday, so I find it doubtful I have the coronavirus. I'm also not concerned too much if I do get it, except for the swamped hospitals. Also, working from home is difficult because I get distracted far more and live like a child. Coronavirus is confirmed to be in my town and my hometown where my parents live. I'm concerned for them. They're older. I think I prepared them well, and for the most part, they've actually done what I've suggested. They're phenomenal at social isolation, so hopefully they should be good too. I'm pretty loaded too. Though that spray-tanned idiot running this whole mess is making this far worse than what it needs to be. I should look into moving to South Korea and risk getting nuked, haha. I have saved a lot of money with this market downturn and am prepared for the upcoming recession and recovery pretty well. I've even made some money in some areas. Just waiting to see what big moves the federal government makes, or lack thereof...it's probably lack thereof. On the last bit, I had a last hurrah just before my parents got here. My improv team had our most important show yet, and we did really well. I had the most fun I've ever had performing. I'm going to bed now. It's super late. Oh and I still haven't touched video games or related content. That's good.

Day 305 No VG - 305 days, no sports news - 3 days, NF - 0 days, SOB - 1 days, NNO59 - 0 days, NIA1030 - 0 days, NLAF - 9 days, NSOC - 9 days, Meditation - 1 days, No Internet Saturdays - 0 week, Post-It Weekends - 0 weeks, no settings changes - 0 days. Had gotten to work late (planned) today. Left around midnight. Had to prepare for contractors tomorrow. Got home and had to remove the blockers again for some research. Made some more trades today. Blockers back up. Oh and I cleaned all my dishes after breakfast today, and I felt strangely good about it. I love an empty sink. A full sink makes me feel ashamed and depressed, even years later. I wouldn't doubt if the sight of that has caused me to stay in on some weekends. My brain is weird.

That's a good question. I'm not entirely sure. Things hurt less when we have full lives and don't have time to ruminate on bad things. The feelings will die down in time, though they will come back periodically no matter what. You just have to build a life that stops you from doing the things that make your life worse, like video games. That's the hard part though. It's easy to say, but harder to do--I have enough struggles with this, but to the extent that I've changed, I can say this seems true.

Day 304 No VG - 304 days, no sports news - 2 days, NF - 3 days, SOB - 0 days, NNO59 - 0 days, NIA1030 - 0 days, NLAF - 8 days, NSOC - 8 days, Meditation - 0 days, No Internet Saturdays - 0 week, Post-It Weekends - 0 weeks, no settings changes - 0 days. Was up late last night. Doing market research. Ended up putting in a lot of sell orders for some stocks that I own at market open. Paid off, but I wish I had done this Friday, as I would've saved a lot more. For this research, I had to completely unblock my internet blocker. I've been abusing it a bit. Got to work late as I just needed sleep. Picked up some items. One of the facilities techs whom I respect greatly paid me a big compliment today. I was touched. I didn't have the heart to tell him I'm going to be leaving soon after he said "don't leave" even though he came very close to doing so for himself recently, and still might. Had therapy today. I just need to get back on track. Just re-enabled the blockers. I felt motivated after therapy today. To stop lying to myself and others. To do better. To take more risks. To live more in reality. I'm gonna meditate and clean up.

Day 303 No VG - 303 days, no sports news - 1 days, NF - 2 days, SOB - 2 day, NNO59 - 1 day, NIA1030 - 8 days, NLAF - 7 days, NSOC - 7* days, Meditation - 0 days, No Internet Saturdays - 0 week, Post-It Weekends - 0 weeks, no settings changes - 11 days. @BooksandTrees, I agree with you wholeheartedly. The human race will go on no matter what and if I die, so what? However, I am not looking forward to potential lockdowns that every single country who has a significant outbreak has employed to date. It just compounds on a lot of raw feelings right now. That's my main sticking point. Agree on the job as well. I'm good at firefighting, which is a useful skill, but I'd much prefer a job where I can use this skill not at 5 AM for multiple nights in a row. For the time being though, whenever I'm responsible for maintaining the safety of a ridiculous amount (cost wise) of product--numbers I can't give, but it's a lot--it's my responsibility, and I'm trying to be more responsible. --- Didn't do much yesterday. Woke up late. Recovered. Called home. Took a nap...and got a phone call. Back to work for another emergency. 8 PM - 2 AM. Went home, fell asleep on the couch but I don't care since I was so tired. Not breaking my streak for that. Got another phone call at 4 AM, had to go in again. Out around 5:30 AM. This has been an absolutely brutal week, and an especially brutal on-call session. This week won't be much easier. Contractors coming in and that will be three days of up to thirteen hour days ending on Saturday. Things I'm looking forward to: Gathering today with my improv team, hanging out with friends the Saturday after, once I get out of work.

Day 302 No VG - 302 days, no sports news - 0 days, NF - 1 day, SOB - 1 day, NNO59 - 0 days, NIA1030 - 7 days, NLAF - 6 days, NSOC - 6 days, Meditation - 0 days, No Internet Saturdays - 0 week, Post-It Weekends - 0 weeks, no settings changes - 10 days. It's Saturday, but I'm using my computer today. I don't care. Last night was rough. I got to work late around 9:30 AM and left Saturday at 5 AM. This is the longest I've ever been at work. I'm on-call right now. It was a major issue. There were a lot of other engineers there too. There's a "how many engineers does it take to fix" joke in there somewhere. Another engineer was able to figure something out this morning while I slept. It's probably a combination of things. Missed my morning social event since I got up around 12:30. I was feeling down about missing out on yet another social opportunity. I'm concerned about this whole coronavirus thing because that's just gonna cause more of that once it gets in my neck of the woods. Again, I'm looking for other opportunities now. This is not good for me right now. I'm sure I can find something comparable that gives me more time back.

Day 300 No VG - 300 days, no sports news - 2 days, NF - 0 days, SOB - 0 days, NNO59 - 0 days, NIA1030 - 5 days, NLAF - 4 days, NSOC - 4 days, Meditation - 3 days, No Internet Saturdays - 0 week, Post-It Weekends - 0 weeks, no settings changes - 8 days. @BooksandTrees, well little would you know before I saw your post, I already decided I was on my way out today. I work in a biotech/pharma plant, and it's a lot of firefighting and paper work and too much we are pursuing. It's immensely gratifying in the sense that I'm helping people get amazing medicines that can significantly improve their lives. That's what keeps me going. I can't get into specifics, but let's just say that I'm not happy with a program that involves daily work that I do, that represents a significant drop in quality, and it dawned on me today how fundamentally bad it is. I love the people who I work with, I love the products we make, I love the science that goes into it, but I hate the firefighting, I hate how we chase every little thing so much so that it takes away from the important items key to our mission, and I hate how I have to cough up numerous social opportunities due to emergencies when I'm trying to figure out how be social in the first place. It really upsets me that it has come to this though, especially as I know I've started to get my feet under me and I feel confident and competent in my role, and I've started to get a lot of respect from the higher ups. Now it's just a matter of finding that new direction. @Erik2.0, I really wish that were the case, but unfortunately there's some stuff you just have to do to keep the process running. If it stops, that means people could see an increase in the cost of their medicine, or that they might not get it at all. There's a responsibility to it that one cannot shirk--well, they can and I've seen it, but they shouldn't. For a few reasons, the area I'm responsible for is prone to emergencies. It's the nature of the process. --- I tried getting up early today, but it didn't happen and I dozed in my bed for an hour and a half. Broke a couple of habits there. That was the extent of my habit breaking today, so it was a good recovery. Again, I'm really sad that I'm going to start looking for work elsewhere for all the positive things I take out of the company, and the fact that I know that there will always be something unsatisfying at any place of work unless I work for myself. Oh, and I'm on day 300. Woo! I've done a lot more interesting stuff with my time. Feels good man.

Day 299 No VG - 299 days, no sports news - 1 days, NF - 3 days, SOB - 0 days, NNO59 - 1 days, NIA1030 - 4 days, NLAF - 3 days, NSOC - 3 days, Meditation - 3 days, No Internet Saturdays - 0 week, Post-It Weekends - 0 weeks, no settings changes - 7 days. Hit most of my habits today except for almost falling asleep in bed once I woke up. Today was a bit brutal. In before six, out after seven, and couldn't make it to my improv show. It's nice to help people and all but what's it worth if I'm not around people. I like the people on my improv team and they're becoming a bit like family. The days when I'm most responsible, I almost resent it. It's like a bell curve. No responsibilty, feel like crap, above average responsibility, feeling good. Self-sacrifice, surprisingly empty. I also might not be able to make it to a friends party next week for more emergency work. FUCK. And I have another weekend where I need to go into work now that I think about it. I still have a lot to take care of tomorrow. There's has to be a way where I multiply my impact with less time. There's gotta be a way.

Day 298 No VG - 298 days, no sports news - 0 days, NF - 2 days, SOB - 0 days, NNO59 - 0 days, NIA1030 - 3 days, NLAF - 2 days, NSOC - 2 days, Meditation - 2 days, No Internet Saturdays - 0 week, Post-It Weekends - 0 weeks, no settings changes - 6 days. Long-ass day. I got in a little late, but that was in part because I was expecting some delays, which ended up being the case. Still in time well before my contractors. Tired. More work tomorrow, but I do get to come in a little later. Went on my phone a bit this morning in bed to check news. This unfortunately checks off a few habits, but otherwise that was the only blip on the day. I probably would've fallen asleep after if I hadn't. House is an ungodly mess right now. I'm going to spend a few minutes cleaning it up before I pass out.

Day 297 No VG - 297 days, no sports news - 0 days, NF - 1 days, SOB - 2 days, NNO59 - 1 days, NIA1030 - 2 days, NLAF - 1 days, NSOC - 1 days, Meditation - 1 days, No Internet Saturdays - 0 week, Post-It Weekends - 0 weeks, no settings changes - 5 days. @Erik2.0, internet, sleeping, and internet. That needs to change more into improv, gym, and reading, or something similar. It's my vice, especially when I want to "relax" or am "tired." It needs to change. --- Hit most of my habits today. Felt super nervous going into work today for the amount of coordinating I had to do. Fear of failure. Overall, I did okay. Tomorrow I have to be at work for around 14 hours, and I need to get in at 4 AM. Emergency work. Fun. Not really. I appreciate the fact that I'm starting to feel competent in this and that I'm helping many people that I'll never see or meet, but man, I just can't see myself doing this forever. I look at the other engineers in their areas and I feel a bit jealous. Fewer projects, fewer late nights. By definition, my area is the most difficult to deal with. I can barely take care of myself, why am I putting so much time to other's when I need to fix myself first. The longer I go in this job the worse it will get too. Perhaps something one step removed from my job would go better. I also did a bit of trauma meditation yesterday and found a surprising amount of empathy for those who have wronged me and myself. I try to peel back the layers of everything that's happened, knowing more now of human nature and how people end up the way they do, and I found a lot of pity for some of these people. I also found that deep down inside I don't feel like I'm a bad person, which was one of the main questions I had when I was going through my "dark years." "What's so wrong with me that so many people either hate me or treat me like crap?" I felt a certain lightness and peace afterwards.

Being alone sucks. I feel similarly. This just gave me a thought. Maybe at least I've been thinking about this the wrong way. Maybe I've been trying to get loved and be loved for so long, perhaps it's a fools errand. By trying to just be loved we turn ourselves into desperate..."monsters?" In a way, I almost feel like my thinking is perverse in the sense as it's all about me. In reality, we cannot control someone so they love us. That's their choice. We can only choose our love for others. Love of all kinds, not just romantic. This is akin to the stoicism "only worry about stuff you can control" tenet. Maybe it's easier to stop caring about oneself and just start caring more about others, and see what happens. Perhaps that draws more people in. I don't know...

Yeah, I feel you. I kinda feel the same about scheduling things, stress, and depression. It shouldn't take that much energy though, but I guess that's just depression. It kind of dawned on me today that I've spent the past twenty years in various states of depression, and all of a sudden I'm expecting myself to have all the life-skills and habits built up to fight that. I've really only made any significant progress towards this in the past year, and there's still a lot of work left to do. Really, the best we can keep doing is experimenting and see what works and what doesn't. Out of curiosity, what would an ideal Saturday or Sunday, just for you, look like? Does that line up at all with what you have written down? Is there anything that you could change that would make your days off look more like something you'd be happy to experience?