DaBest

Day 24 Last night, zero screentime abuses. 4 out of 5 clean days in 2016! I was actually quite proud of myself last night. I ended up preparing my cover letter during my news viewing window. This is fine, but if I work through the window, then no news for the day! This was a little stressful, but I finished with 15 minutes of time left. I used those 15 minutes, and I felt relatively sated once done. As an information junkie, sometimes it's hard to know when I've reached my fill and should go back to working or doing something "better." I rewarded myself with listening to a podcast and going to bed earlier. Today I was very tired when I got home. I got about 7.5 hours of sleep last night but I may have accumulated a small sleep debt this week. This concerns me slightly as I know my inhibitions are lower when I'm tired, and I was really feeling the urges since I've been home. I ended up taking a nap...while writing this, haha. Urges are much lower now. I also might be getting sick. Now my news window is starting. I'll try to get through that quickly. After I want to get some work done, read some of my book, and go to bed earlier than last night. WIll today be as productive as it could have been? Probably not. But if I don't commit any screentime abuses today then I'll be okay with the end result--a half-step forward instead of a full-step, but not a backwards step.

Cam, for real, I really appreciate that. I know I've only been here for a little over three weeks now, but man, its been three weeks of amazing healing. Being around people who've gone through similar experiences and are actively trying to better themselves is something I've never had before, and it's made a huge difference. Just know that you're cheering for thousands more though, at least, because you're trailblazing a path to freedom for many more! I'm cheering for YOU, too! --- Day 23 Last night, zero abuses. Three days out of four with zero abuses since the start of 2016. I wasn't making a resolution out of this, per se, but it seems like I'm acting otherwise, haha. Let's hope for no two-week New Year's Resolution drop-off! I actually ended up working until 12:30 AM, on a worknight. Not playing...WORKING. On actual job hunt stuff. Gritty stuff. This is so bizarre. I'm operating on a whole new level. That work paid immediate dividends today, as I had someone request that I send my resume to them! That made me feel very good. Then, a couple of hours later, I get a call for an application I sent out months ago. No guarantees yet, but the conversation went well and the position is with a company I'd love to work for. Hopefully, I can get a direct interview with the company soon! This all feels SO much more gratifying than tuning out and playing games, reading news, or watching sports or streams. For the first time in a long time, when I come home, I want to keep working. The work has been MUCH harder, but I get now that hard work and occasional rewards of high significance are far more appealing than doing easy work/not working and getting that instant gratification of much lower significance. When I savor that feeling, it really gets me motivated and positive. And by no means am I trying to all of a sudden stop savoring the small victories, I still am, but I realize those small victories are found in the work itself on the path to the bigger rewards. Tonight, I need to check my emails and respond to at least one. I need to prepare a cover letter, edits and all, and send it soon. Again, despite all the changes recently, I'm still having that initial hesitation. Hence the post earlier in the evening. Booyah!

Thanks Cam! Couldn't do it without you and everyone else in the forum! --- Day Ventidos The past 24 hours have been interesting in a good way. Last night after I set up my new router at 11 PM, I ended up committing 5 screentime abuses between then and 1 AM. Honestly, the whole thing was silly. I wanted to test how well the new router worked so I said, okay, let me just try the gamut of all the websites I usually check and different points in the house. Good news is, this router is WAY better than the old one. Bad news is, what really should've taken no more than 5-15 minutes ended up being "one more site" then "another site" then "oh, why not just one more." In short because I did more than just actually testing the router, I broke my curfew, broke my news window, went 2 hours over my entertainment limit, and racked up my "bonus abuse." The thing is, this could have been way worse, but it wasn't. And that's great. I could've been up til 3 or 4, but I didn't do it. I could've tested how long it took to download LoL...yes that did cross my mind, haha...but I didn't. To me, is a victory over "old me." I need to be cognizant now considering I now have the ability to sit on my bed and surf late at night. The old router lost enough functionality where I couldn't do that anymore, so that was one less old habit I really had. Now it's back, but I'm aware of it. I noticed my shift in attitude about it on the way home from work today, and I was very grateful for that. There was no shame. I accepted it for what it was, a mistake, and I was able to move on. This is VERY important as the stress I can have from messing up can make me mess up even more. This is definitely an empowering feeling, one I'm not used to. As a result, I want to work more on getting an engineering job because I'm not as stressed and hating on myself, which is empowering in it's own right. It's really bizarre; I'm used to downward spirals, not upward. Now that I'm done with this, I'm going to use my news hour, and then work for a couple of hours and try and be in bed by 12. The trepidation is lesser now. This makes me so happy.

Thanks for the link, Adem. Yeah, I still have mixed feelings on this, at least with regards to myself. Personally, I've found the accountability and pressure from mentioning my goals publicly has been very helpful. I don't want to come back here the next day and be like, "I screwed up." I've done that already--I lied about it already--and I feel absolutely awful about it. I've toned it down since then a bit though and lowered my expectations of myself, which at first may have been too high. The experience has been more positive than negative. On the other hand, and I saw this mentioned in the Reddit thread, it's probably something that's good for some and not useful for the rest. Like the OP on Reddit said, they were just musing about stuff all the time, not necessarily seriously committed to any of these goals, and it created an image problem. That makes total sense then in that situation. But still, it's an interesting viewpoint I hadn't considered before. All power to you, though--whatever helps!

Day 21 Three weeks of this journal and I can say it looks like things are getting very bright. I finished yesterday clean of abuses, as I thought was the likely outcome when I wrote my last post. I had to be careful of not listening to music and watching sports past 10, which I almost did by accident on separate occasions. Instead, I read some of my new book until I was tired. Today has been similarly going well, Work wasn't crazy or anything. I came home and watched 15 minutes of sports to relax (an old habit I know), and once I realized that I wasn't getting anything out of it, I turned it off and read my book some more. Once I'm done with this it's off to where I left off with the job hunt last night, and I hope to do that until 10 or 11. Tomorrow's goals are pretty much the same as today's: stay clean, and work hard at work and at home. Also, speaking of my book that I'm reading, it's Resilience by Eric Greitens. I've barely started the book so far, but I think that this book is going to end up being very enjoyable and very fruitful, especially with regards to my past habits of collapsing after failure or pressure. Even though it's a self-help book (an admittedly, I haven't read all too many so I can't speak to if this is the norm or not), but there's a lot of philosophy and classics that are cited in it, which I feel is very cool. The book is based off of letters that the author--an ex-Navy SEAL, Rhodes Scholar, Ph.D. (wow)--wrote to one of his ex-SEAL buddies, whose life spiraled out of control and ended up in jail, in order to help getting him back on track. Unsurprisingly, the main theme of this book is a focus on resilience. I'm only up to chapter 3, but the one part that has stuck out to me the most so far is the need for having an adequate "Why?" in order to develop or maintain resilience. Resilience is very hard to muster up when there's no end goal worth fighting for. This resonated with me quite a bit. I had a "Why?", but I paid little attention to it and didn't internalize it well enough. Perhaps that was part of my problem this summer. I know that over the past few days, by focusing on this goal and musing on it, I've been more eager to do hard work. The hesitation and fear is still there though, likely from my old shame habits, but I'm working on that too and I've noticed even that has been somewhat muted recently. I'll end this with 2 quotes from the book, from other people, that I thought were really awesome: "Of all the virtues we can learn, no trait is more useful, more essential for survival, and more likely to improve the quality of life than the ability to transform adversity into an enjoyable challenge." -- Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi "There is only one road to true human greatness; the road through suffering." -- Albert Einstein

Hey Travis, Just wanted to say I really resonated with what you said about Magic the Gathering. I hadn't played in a while and then I made a small group of friends where MtG was part of the social glue, so to speak. I gladly played with their pre-made decks (I became a pseudo-deck tester at one point) since I realized the monetary and time effort it would take to get really good was not something I wanted to commit to. Hanging out with them wasn't fun for the MtG, though; rather, it was fun because the people I were playing with were really funny people who knew how to have a good time. So yeah, I feel you.

Welcome and congrats on quitting! Good luck this year!

Yo Adem! Glad to hear you're taking up photography. I've started recently (though I kinda haven't kept up with it because I've been pretty lazy overall these past 3 months) and I hope to get back into it in the near future. I've been goofing off with a point-and-shoot and like you said, it can be a really nice way of getting out of the house for a couple of hours. Also, I'm curious as to what the reasoning is for not telling anyone their goals. I never really considered that before. Is it for the sake of maintaining the goal, or something else?

Day 20 It's a Saturday and a day off. And wait a sec I'm still clean today! This is kind of bizarre honestly. I'm used to bingeing on my weekends...not doing work and stuff. My book habit, my focus on my vision, and catching myself when a negative shame-thought threatens to make me avoid all work has been really key. I am very grateful for this. Feeling like I actually pushed myself further on a Saturday--through the sole motivation of bettering myself--is a great feeling I haven't felt in a while. I didn't get as much done as I'd like, but I can improve. What did I do today? I got a haircut, went to the library, put another payment to my student loans (YEAH BABY), put 4 hours of work to various tasks (mostly the job hunt), got my full night's rest, and still have a little bit more to do. Again, the average Saturday of recent has been: feel like crap because you don't work and watch TV, and cycling it with not working and watching TV because I feel like crap. Night and day, really. I did watch some sports, but it was in my allotted time and I stopped when it was up. Tomorrow I have work for a couple of hours, which will be nice as it helps get me out of the house. I'd like to get another 4 hours of job hunting in on top of that, at least. This is so weird. All of a sudden I feel more focused, clear, and ready, and I would wholeheartedly approve if I can string more days like this together.

Day 19 Today's been pretty baller so far. I was offered the opportunity to train for a semi-managerial position at my odd job. This would mean a small increase in pay and hours which would be nice, and I could tout that as an accomplishment on my resume. Aside from that work went well, and I went for my walk, and I feel motivated to work. I still feel some hesitation towards the work, but it's not as bad as usual. I just finished tweaking my spreadsheets. I also added some things to my spreadsheet that count as screentime abuses. So far today I'm looking to start the New Year off with zero abuses. Driving home from work I just got mad. I was all "I don't need the Internet! I'd rather be living and improving myself and helping others!" It's nice because that wasn't necessarily triggered by anything, and it means my focus is improving. When I'm done on Game Quitters tonight, I want to work til 12 and go to bed. Tomorrow I'd like to get a full night's rest, and putting at least 4 hours to hard job hunt work and avoiding any screentime abuses. If I can pull off the latter, the former will be a very low bar to make.

@Ed I agree with you, negative emotions should cause change and can be used as a trigger, though not continuously. My problem is/was feeling like my problems were permanent, like I was fundamentally flawed. The dichotomy of the two monologues you talk about is my issue that I realize I need to work on big time. And I can get better at it (see what I did there ). Over the past couple of weeks I've been trying to catch myself doing this, especially when I have my urges and ESPECIALLY when I sit down to do the deep and difficult work that's necessary for me to pursue my goals and improve myself. That negative monologue is a big trigger for me to just stop working and putz around on the Internet. I actually have been doing a bit better in this respect. When I post in the evening, it's before I sit down to do that work. Why? Because when I write out what I'm thinking, my rational brain has a better chance of taking over, and all the fears and shame I feel have a better chance being drowned out by the motivation of the reward, thereby helping me avoid my old bad habits. It works somewhat. @Cam Adair This focus saved my butt today. Today could've been really bad, but I kept it together. @AlexTheGrape That is the goal. No more hiding. Find the problem, and rip it out. --- Day 18 Today was almost a disaster. I almost went on the Internet too early. I watched TV early. I procrastinated early. I just wanted to relax and veg and avoid my work. Today I almost watched videogame walkthroughs for game franchises I NEVER EVEN PLAYED, but I never hit start. On my Internet abuse scale, today almost was a 14 or so, which is about as bad as I was during my LoL relapse, which was when I binged the most this year. I ended up at a 6, which is above average, but I am very happy with. When I screw up early, I've tended to let it screw up the whole day and let it blow up. Thus, today was an enormous success even though in terms of productivity it was not anything to write home about with a whole day off to do hard work. I did abuse my news window, early and often, but I actually avoided it late! I didn't use my normal window as I was with family, and I did not go on after. I did not do my book habit today. I should have. I almost did no work today, instead, I finished my editing (finally) and sent the application. I made a baby plan for my cold-contacting. I'm really going to ease into it at first; I am really pushing my comfort zone with this. I also checked the possibility of getting an ebook from my library, but it will likely take a few days as there is quite the line for Brene Brown's books. So in total, I got done what I wanted at a bare minimum. I would have like to have done more, but having done something vs. having done nothing is important. Zero progress kills me, some progress doesn't as much. I appreciate this. I also think focusing on my vision helped, while not immediately today, finally got through by the evening. Tomorrow I have work, I want to: 1) Get my Internet abuse spreadsheets set up for next year. 2) Find it in me to do open-ended productive stuff without me listing it here first. I want to create that internal momentum too. So yeah, today was goodish, and that's good.

If you can do it one day, you can do it many days. And guess what...I did it today too. Booyah. That's a great quote. That mindset is what maybe single-handedly saved me from impostor syndrome while in undergrad. --- Day 17 Well, I usually draft my posts on Word before I put it up, but today I wrote a damn tome. I hate TL;DRs, but man, it was bad (though very worthwhile). Here's the abridged version: Basically, I really tried to focus on why I always seek numbness. I realized that 90% of it is a combination of shame, ingrained habit, and using it as a coping mechanism. Introspection really sucks when I don't think of myself in a positive manner, or (especially in the past) when people didn't think of me in a positive manner and proceeded to let me know it. I'm simply amazed with shame now and how it keeps coming up in my efforts to ditch my dependence on the Internet, as if anyone couldn't tell over the past few days...this blog was supposed to be about self-discipline, not shame, right ??? I really shouldn't feel bad about feeling pain towards myself and what I've done. I need to embrace it and change that pain from shame to guilt. Pain can be a positive or a negative, it's my choice. Last night I once again overdid my screentime past curfew. I listened to 2 podcasts post 10 PM. I allow myself to listen to one podcast post 10 PM and if it's the first one I listened to that day since it's usually personal development content or I will use it as a deterrent to going on the Internet later. The first one was while I was snacking and relaxing, the other was just so I didn't have to hear my own thoughts basically (I hate silence for that reason, it's something else I'm working on.) Tonight I need to keep busy and work. What kind of work do I have to do? Well: a) respond to an email b) do a once over of the letter and send it. I did edit it last night, but I did some edits that were kind of a big change from past letters. I think I really like the outcome, but I just wanted to look at it fresh again to make sure. I only have once chance to make a first impression. c) (if I have time) start planning on how to start networking "cold," without prior or mutual connections. I initially avoided this as a) I am still tentative about cold approaching people in general and b) because someone initially told me not to. Recently, I was talking about my job hunt with someone else and they said that it was totally okay if I did so, just in the right way. I need a plan so I don't do something stupid and so I can get my self ready to push that comfort zone. d) (tomorrow) see if I can get my hands on a Brene Brown ebook from my library.

Thanks Cam! --- Day 16 Last night I went past 10 PM (I was working until 11, and I relaxed until 12ish) with my relaxing Internet time, so I had to tally 2 screentime abuses, which is below average. That’s nice, but I hope to get the past 10 PM time non-existent. There have been a bunch of nights where that is the only thing that I mess up with, which is frustrating since I could be seeing lots of zeros that I can be prouder of. Also, staying up late on the computer is when I binge the most. No one’s around, there’s nothing to do—why not go on the computer?! It’s a choice with a low energy barrier. I don’t want to make a new habit to deal with it directly right now as I feel like I’m starting to spread myself thin. Also, I hope that an ounce of improved self-discipline can do the trick instead. Today I killed it at work. I came home and I went for my walk, read my book, had dinner, and read some personal development stuff. So far so good. Now I need to: a) avoid any Internet abuses. b) edit my letter I drafted last night. c) work hard and not get anxious. A solid day so far; I just need to follow through.

Very true. I long to get my head doing some engineering right now. I'm definitely being far less picky than when I started my search. --- Day 15 I DID IT! I DID IT! IIIIII DIDDDDD ITTTTT! WOOOOOOOOO! ZERO SCREEN ABUSES YESTERDAY!!! ON A SUNDAY!!! A DAY OFF!!! NADA, ZILCH, ZIPPO! It was cool, lol. Honestly, I am really proud of myself. Last weekend was without a doubt the best weekend I had with regards to internet/screen abuses without being constantly distracted by friends. It took an insane amount of willpower to get through it. I will say that without my new reading habit, I would NOT done as well as I did this weekend. With time I hope to feel like I need less willpower to do so, and I know that will come with time. I also hope to be more present and accepting of discomfort and less accepting of feeling numb, and that will come with time too. In addition, I sent out my email last night and wrote the header and footer of my next cover letter. A minimal amount of tangible work, but I avoided a zero for the day, so that's good. Currently I am feeling stress about writing my letter due to the consistent rejections I've been getting. I need to push through and know that if I get this job, I can learn everything and I can do well at this job. With hard work, I know I can do well. If I do this work I will feel really accomplished and way better than if I mess around all night. Okay, I'm zen, let's go.

Hey Cam. My urges have been really intense today. I'm not tired today, but I agree sleep is crucial with me too. I am all up on that HALTS brigade Definitely agree about relistening, I'm going to listen to the first 30 minutes or so in the near future. And yes! I'm not the only one!!! Haha. --- Day 14 I’m currently holed up in my room. My dad is “watching” football in the living room, and because of that I can’t stay in that room (I won't bother him since he's been real busy recently and he deserves to chill). I am stressed the fuck out. Today I have so far avoided all Internet abuses. Yesterday I had a really stupid 2 when I decided to listen to music from Pandora after 10 PM. I would’ve considered letting it slide while I was snacking, but once I was done I kept going for 30 minutes. It would’ve been the first weekend day ever—or at least in a long time—without any screen abuses. Today has been super difficult. I kept to my news window and turned off the news early. I did not watch football. Hearing the game on is driving me nuts as if I weren’t already. Almost all day I have had pain in the front of my head and what feels like the area around my brainstem. I usually get these feelings when I have urges and am resisting. I feel like my head is being crushed and lit on fire at the same time. Even going on the news today did nothing to placate this, as it has in the past. The last time I felt this bad was when I was re-getting over LoL this past summer and when I first started NoFap. Today was not as work productive as I hoped. I finished the book I was reading in about a 5 hour chunk today. This was partially to procrastinate, partially because the book was really good. Also, I am having severe second thoughts on my job search, which is not helpful. Self-doubt/is this the right path/will I be screwing myself in the future if I fail again/is this really what I want/which skillsets do I want to use and develop/etc. In reality, I just need to apply to everything and provide for myself first, and try to develop a passion, current passions be damned. As my sleep schedule got really messed up last night, I’ll likely work more after this is done. The only two positive threads of today I’m hanging onto are that I’m currently abuse-free today and that I took a walk. I’m not trying to feel ashamed about myself. If I can just send out one email after and type one header and footer of a cover letter, I will be happy at this point. The main victory I will take from today is the lack of Internet abuses, and I will have to savor that big time. I’m all over the place, I know. My brain is fried right now.

Before I start, let me just say that gaming is not my biggest vice, it's the Internet. Though I have binged on video games hard due to stress somewhat recently (think like 16 hours straight on LoL a day for several days), it's something I've *mostly* been over for 5 years now. I think it depends on where you are in your game quitting journey. If you really need to get away from games for a bit, then perhaps you should say to your friends that you're taking a break from it for X amount of days. Additionally, I agree with Cam's point that if it is something that will trigger you to keep gaming, then definitely avoid it if you're trying to get your gaming under control. Personally, I will play HOTS with some of my very close friends who live far away. I don't especially care for the game, and I know I can put it down when we're done. It's nice because we can get on Skype and play together and connect as a group. If I binged on HOTS I'd have to tell them I couldn't play anymore. If it were LoL I'd tell them I couldn't play period .

Day 13 Urges. Suck. Today I have been struck with urges several times. Big ones. Once in the morning and especially in the evening. I was surprisingly tired, so that may have been a factor. The one in the evening was weird. After I got back from another trip to see family, I was once again struck with the urge to veg out on the Internet and consume as much news as possible once I got home. It almost felt like I was in physical pain. Apparently, I didn't do a great job of hiding this and my folks asked me what was up. "Uhhhh...I'm just...tired." I did not do my book habit once I got home as I just hung out with my family and had dinner pretty much right away. I did it in the morning though and once again deflected the urge to go on my computer, though I did watch 30 minutes of soccer as background noise during lunch, which is okay. After dinner I was wiped out, and I went back to my room and pretty much just slept until 9, when I went on my news stampede from 9:00-10:02. I knew I was going over those two minutes and that's okay. I was trying to check a columnist's column, but my computer was running really slow and it didn't finally load until 10:00. If it had loaded like normal I would have been well within my boundaries, as that was the last thing I intended on reading. As such I won't consider that an abuse. I also listened to Brene Brown's Tim Ferris podcast today while driving. I regret doing it while driving as I don't think I fully absorbed the whole interview nor did I fully enjoy it (as a result of driving). The part I think I was most interested in was the part where Brene and Tim were discussing the whole concept of "If you're going to live in the arena, the only thing you can be sure of is getting knocked on your ass," or something along those lines. Thinking about that is something that I must be prepared for in the future if I am truly meant to make a big difference in the world. I can't let my failures get to me and prevent me from doing more and improving as a result of it. After dropping out of grad school, I felt a lot of shame and I felt like a failure. Objectively speaking my grades were stellar but I did not do a good enough job as a researcher. There were areas of my life and work where I could have improved and possibly done well enough to find more funding. Keeping funding would have been very difficult--I would've basically had to turn into a superstar in the matter of three months--but perhaps I would've had a shot. However, I let this get to me and I wallowed in the failure (and the Internet) instead of developing the drive and hustle one truly needs to be great. Grad school is quite the arena, and going forward I hope to have learned my lesson and develop better habits and better responsibility for my own outcomes as a result of competing in that arena. Goals for tomorrow: Tomorrow is Sunday which means football, which means I want to watch none of it so I can work and improve myself instead of experiencing vicarious victories through athletes. I want to be dedicated to improving my overall position in life tomorrow. Peace.

Yessir it has. After this past Summer of Shame, I don't know how I couldn't haha. I love podcasts so I will be really looking forward to that one--I'll give it a listen tonight or tomorrow. Then it looks like I'll be reading Daring Greatly in the near future then! I agree with you, I too would love to be an all-round badass. I realize though right now I have lacked the discipline, vision, and drive to follow through with anything that would go to further me to these goals, which I have had for a while. I messed up, but I know I can fix it. I just have to accept my past as part of the adventure. I hope that in the future, I can be grateful for this period for realizing what it REALLY takes to be great. --- Day 12 Skipped yesterday because Christmas Eve, but tonight I have a bit of time to knock out an update. I love love love love my book habit combined with my news window habit. Today I was on from 9:07-10:04, and while that broke the window by four minutes on the backend, that is SO MUCH BETTER THAN USUAL!!! It's stuff like that which will keep me on information binges that can last all day or keep me up late, and subsequently make me feel like crap for doing so. Getting rid of that will be one less hurdle in my days. Though it's not been the easiest, I caught myself punching news.google.com into my phone a couple of times earlier, and once I pulled it up and I instantly went "OH SHIT!" and turned it off; crisis averted. Discip-WIN! [Note: I don't consider writing this post at the after my 10 PM Internet window an abuse, as I could easily do so in my paper journal and I get great value from writing these posts and being around people who want to better themselves. I have few such in-person allies. So thank you!] I did overdo screentime yesterday though, but it wasn't a horrible day, I scored a 5, which for a day off isn't bad at all. Today will likely be a 2 (for breaking my Internet curfew + 1 bonus abuse for the first one of the day. I do think I need to put restrictions on Game Quitters though so I don't use it as a consistent excuse to go past it. Maybe limit that to 11 PM?). In addition, I'm getting better with my vision habit. I don't always catch my triggers, but I'm doing so with more frequency, and that also means I'm thinking about it more outside of it. Even before I started writing this post I thought, "I could work now" which is a huge deal. In the past, I would feel guilty about working because I knew I was working so hard and thus FOMOing hard. Then the guilt would make me anxious and I'd drown my feelings with the Internet, TV, and games. This time I decided to write my post and either read or do personal development instead and leave my next big task for tomorrow morning by getting up early (on a day off!, lol), but at least I am now turning to better choices. And seeing family was good too. Good Christmas. Merry Christmas to all y'all too!

Hey SegaCity, First of all, I'm sorry to hear about the death of your relative. My heart goes out to you and your family. I also feel when you're coming from, as I was kind of feeling like that the other day when you posted on my journal. Shame, as Cam pointed out to me the other day, isn't the most helpful of emotions, and one that I feel often. Realizing that has kind of been an eye-opener for me and will hopefully go a long way to making positive feedback loops where I'm more motivated by what I'm doing well and then doing more of that, rather than making negative feedback loops where I am more stressed out about what I'm doing wrong and then stressing and doing more wrong as a result of it. I was recommended, and recommend to you, to take a look at Brene Brown's TED talk on shame. Just take everything one day at a time, one task at a time and breathe. You're quitting smoking AND gaming AND NoFapping at the same time. That's seriously amazing. And just like you told me the other day "Things will get better mate." You keep it up and you bet they will!

Thanks wookieshark and Cam. Small question though, which one of her books were you referring to, wookieshark? --- Day 10 Quick update because it's a little late and I'm tired. Followed through on the book habit again today and it definitely deflects the strong urge I get when I come home. I can't say how well it works in the mornings as I pretty much left for work straight after getting ready. Tomorrow I'm off so I'll try that part then, and likely change the habit to include mornings only if I know I have downtime where I'll be prone to going on the Internet. Putting the news within it's hour window saves me so much time! I am admittedly a bit too giddy when that time rolls around, but I like the change. Yesterday I went over slightly and today I actually stopped at 10 like I'm supposed to and switched to personal development work. With that time I rewatched the TED talk and took some notes and let it sink in a bit more, and I'm glad I did so. I'm going to start shifting my thinking more to "I'm doing bad" vs. "I am bad." The first mindset implies change, and the second doesn't. I don't want to start pretending I'm perfect, because I'm not, but shifting my mind set to the guilt-based mindset vs. the shame-based mindset should help me increase my drive and well-being. I also posted to a resume board today and did other job application stuff and I honestly did not waste time after getting home from work today. It was not the most productive day, but it's been far better than how I've been doing recently and I feel SO MUCH BETTER for it. I was also I a lot less fearful of approaching the work which was very nice. If I can keep stringing days like these together I will be a very happy camper (And no plans for tomorrow, because Christmas)

Thanks Cam. Yeah, in retrospect, shame has definitely been a big part of my life, especially recently. It's really hard to want to do anything when I feel worthless and powerless to manufacture any change. I watched Brene Brown's TED talk on shame just now and I must say that after watching it, I feel that my cognizance of my own shame has been a big blind spot in my life. I'm going to rewatch that tomorrow and take some notes. Good recommendation! --- Day 9 (note: I wrote this a little bit before posting) I’m writing this post early just so I can clear my mind a bit. It’s 7:30 right now and I have not read any news today and I’m getting very antsy and uncomfortable. Pretty much all I can do right now is work on my job search and improve myself in some way, shape, or form. I recognize that I am still fearing the possibility of rejection or making a mistake and that is why I feel antsy; the news is just a coping mechanism. I need to take positive steps forward and be okay with the possibility that I might fail because there is still the possibility I might succeed. On a side note, reading my book when I got home was a big plus. I did not go on the Internet for entertainment when I got home because of it. Sometimes I need to forcibly remind myself that I can do other things instead of vegging out in front of a screen!

Hey SegaCity, Thanks a bunch man. Your words mean a lot to me--it's reassurance I hardly ever hear. Amplitude problem fo' real. I have been my own worst critic for a long time now. Sometimes I just need to chill the fuck out and do rather than think. Thinking gets me in trouble.I know I'll get better at time with that, and with everything else. And that is some awesome artwork btw

Day 8 (because yesterday was day 7 and I can't count, and yes this is posted on the same day) I actually sent the application out this morning. I was happy with how it turned out. I need to keep pushing. I still feel pretty ashamed about yesterday. But I took a small amount of pride in the fact I actually pulled through and journaled in this forum each day for a week, which is what I said I'd do. This is a rare occurrence, me saying I will take up a project for a week and stick with it. Usually I get all fired up, and peter out after a few days. I know journaling, meditation, and sleep are very important for my mental health (which is obviously kinda bad right now, but trust me this is a significant improvement from where I was 2 years ago), but I'm never consistent with either of the three. When I started my self-improvement journey a few years ago--and yes, progress has been slow--my primary focus was my mental health because I knew it was so bad at the time. Self-discipline is just one facet of that. Despite the small victory, I need to cool it on my screen time. I am approaching my screen time abuse score from last month and I still have a week and a half to go in the month. I'm pretty much going to have to hit straight zeros in order to make my fifth straight month-over-month improvement. A big issue I've had this month has been dealing with reading frivolous news articles. Once I start I just go for information overload. So in addition to the vision habit, which I want to be a longer term thing, I'm going to try another short term habit for the time being to deal with the news, just for a week to try it out. I will (and I know my promises mean nothing at this point, but I am going to keep trying until I make it) push back my news window to 9-10 PM. In the past, I've made it a habit to avoid the Internet and TV before I have gone through my basic morning hygiene, and it is a significant mood improver (as the first thing I do in the morning isn't numbing myself) and screentime limiter, especially as when my mood is better, I am less likely to binge. To replace the habit, when I come home and when I finish my morning hygiene, I will read 1 page from the new book I got yesterday (another biography :D). Those times are big Internet triggers for me. With the extra time and with a little extra focus, I can then focus more on improving myself and doing cool stuff. Here's hoping to a better week.

Day 8 Just checking in. I need to come clean. I can't even keep my promises for a week. I did not send the application. I did not edit the letter. I did not draft the letter. All I have done, was write the header and footer of the letter just before starting this post, just so I wouldn't feel so crappy. I admit I have no integrity, no personal accountability, no interpersonal accountability. I bit off more than I could chew. I am really broken. I like to feel numb. I feel like an abject failure, and because work makes me focus on my flaws, I don't work, and because I don't work, I feel like more of a failure. It's a dumb self-perpetuating cycle. I know it. I understand it. It's my own damn fault. It's stupid. You know, I picked the name "DaBest" because that's always been a goal of mine. I'm not that cocky to think that's what I am right now. I have always wanted to do something great. I've always felt like I've been on the path to do something great. Now, I realize I never hit the path hard enough to make that happen even though at one point I arguably was, and once I've lost my first chance to do that, I just wallow. I made these public proclamations as an idea to snap out of my funk, put the pressure on externally (because internally I have done myself a massive disservice), kind of like how Conor McGregor did recently, because once you've done that you can't f up. I get now that external pressure like that does not develop discipline; it's pure will, vision, and practice that does so. That kind of pressure can be a tool if the discipline to follow through with it already in place. Right now I'm just a grown man-child. In all honesty, I have not exhibited the basic personal responsibility to call myself an adult man. I did not want to write this last night because of that lack of responsibility and integrity. This is going to be a lot messier than I thought. I apologize for lying to the community. Spare your pity. I don't want it. This post is for me to come with grips with shit I've been avoiding for so so long. But this is not over. I will probably fail like this more times, but I will improve because I want to. ... On the bright side, I didn't post this right away. It's 4 AM and I finished drafting and editing the letter and resume in about an hour and a half after I stopped living in my head/beating myself up/feeling sorry for myself. I will send it before I leave for work. Writing things out tends to wisen me up a bit. I need to go to bed.

Thanks Cam! I keep trudging along. I'll get there eventually. --- Day 6 I'm in a weird spot right now to be honest. To follow up on yesterdays post. 1) I have planned my habit. I will reiterate my goal (getting a job in my field) 3 times every day after my morning routine, every time after I eat (I graze all day), and 3 times before I go to bed. I will also put a sign up with my goal on my laptop, phone, and bed. I will also make a separate movable "vision bookmark" for my written journal. 2) I have not started on the application. However, in spirit of keeping the promise, I will stay up until it is finished. But will send it out in the morning tomorrow so I don't look like a crazy person sending it at 3 AM. I've been very avoidant today, not necessarily on screens either. I need to just get it done now. Must go now, don't want to be up all night.