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Hitaru

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  1. During my travel I had the lucky chance to meet another recent ex-gamer (he had quit games a month ago) thanks to my personal policy of being 100% open and honest about my issues (without being overwhelming). We made an instant connection and shared experiences, and of course I told him about this place. But while I was doing it I struggled with the words. - The first thing that came to my mind was "support community". But that can sound like Alcoholics Anonymous, which has a big social stigma as a place for people that have reached rock bottom (And in some places has a religious undertone). People with problematic gaming, and I'd say behavioral addictions in general, don't want to compare themselves with substances addicts. It feels as a different, less severe level. So, is the term "support community" a good start? - The second thing was talk about Cam, but then in the ears of a stranger the whole GQ may sound like an individual endeavor of someone I know and want to promote, as if he was a friend starting a business. Now that I say that, this is something that can be solved but we will have to address eventually: "It's always about Cam." Have you noticed? The forum is almost dead without him. Veterans finish the detox and move on. Others relapse. We are at the growing stage, and surely the forum has more members and is more active than a year ago. But without a stable community of long-time quitters we will get stagnant. Right now this feels like "Cam-sensei's cabin in the woods". Which is awesome, but not the actual idea. - The third thing was: "What do we do in Game Quitters"? What came to my mind was "Support each other and also talk about life besides and beyond games" but I felt it was bland. I want to have a strong punchline, two or three almost automatised sentences to describe Game Quitters as clearly and concisely as possible, without falling in clichés and misconceptions. And of course to make it appear as the awesome, life-changing experience that can be. I want to make Game Quitters sound enticing, exciting, a serious alternative to a checked-out life. What do you think?
  2. @Cam Adair had a lot of experience adventuring into clubs by himself when he first quit. I find his example a bit too extreme imo but I think it could be positive to try. If you go alone there's a greater chance that you will open up and stick with the first person or group you can find, and make some friends as result. You must also be open to failure, some people might find your eagerness and daring solitude suspicious or intimidating. But if you bear good intentions that's their fault! Also, I personally don't trust those PUA mechanics. There's some real psychology behind the process of flirting and establishing connections, but some PUAs are charlatans. Specially those who claim to follow a step-by-step system. Just my opinion.
  3. Hmm... we're not your personal army and you should do your own homework, you knoooow~~? On the other hand, why not? Your question is legit and doesn't go against forum rules. I've read it and at first glance seems fine by me. Instead of seeking help with an specific assignment, why don't you check on advice and suggestions to make good presentations (as if you were presenting a project on a business setting)? I think that's what you might be interested in right now. You got the basics, the next step is going pro. ALSO, DON'T DOUBLEPOST. Pretty please.
  4. 1. Absolutely NOT! There's no such thing as normal. You have to normalize your identity in your own terms. Each one is their own normal, not the normalcy of anyone else. It sounds easy to say now, but this has been one of the main conflicts of my life so far. 2. I'm unique and still can be depressed whenever I want, hah 3. I agree. Happy people don't write remarkable literature. Or at least people who never knew sadness. 4. Sadness, anger, regret, those emotions are all within each of us. Everyone will experience them eventually. They just happen. But happiness and peace take an active disposition to occur, so I guess that's why people tend to focus more on them. 5. Please do. It feels lonely with just me ranting 6. Good job son. We're proud of you [salute]. Aww you, you know how to make this ol' fellow flattered ----- 90 DAYS COMPLETE POST ----- Back home I'm already reeling with the weight of old habits. I know what must be done. 1. Clean my room. I must organize a personal headquarters/adventurer hub where to plan my next mischief. 2. Plan another travel! European Voluntary Service, Youth Exchanges, French Foreign Legion, whatever. Or just pack my things and go. A nomad quitter, how does that sound? 3. 8 o clock in the morning, Hitaru gets up, showers and goes for breakfast outside. This is an absolute must. Not negotiable. A day far from home (home means the couch) is a day well spent. I don't want to sound big-headed, but my english classes are going (boringly) well. So it's time to add a real challenge. FINALLY, I'm going to get fit. Well. That's easy to say. Actually I said it like a dozen times already. I want to play a game. Let's say I want to join the glorious spanish navy, let's have that delusion for a moment. If I want to do that, I need to get fit. Next year, I will apply. If I enter, I'll be busy the next two years, which is awesome. I'll learn to be independent and self-reliant. If I don't enter, well, I'll be fit, that's always a good thing. So. Starting tomorrow, the next adventure begins.
  5. Well, well. Hi all. It's been a long journey, longer than many. It took 3 tries and many hardships but now I can proudly declare that I've finished the 90 Day Detox Finally I'm a member of the VIP club, hah. To be honest, I'm not the most applied student of the class, I'm struggling a lot with making good habits (the most basic foundation for a better, empowered life), but here are some reflections: 1. When I first arrived here I couldn't see a way out. I was depressed. I was desperate. I was alone. I was a frightened, hopeless child. Well, now I've reached the level of a teenager at least. I've learned to be self-aware, to reflect on my weaknesses, to stop victimizing and start caring. 2. Journaling, journaling, journaling. I thought it was the finest example of deadbrained teenage girl pastime. Thanks, movies. Keep a journal, people. Things I thought were completely pointless to write seem the most insightful now and I can't understand my experience and journey without them. 3. I found two passions during my journey and recovered one. I reconciled with acting, but I'm not sure how our relationship is going to develop. We're trying to get along little by little. I was brave enough to put myself 3500 km away from home and now I won't be able to stay in the same place for long. I have to thank my therapeutic time here for that. And of course the third passion is Game Quitters. Translating began as an improvised hobby but I want to make much, much more of it. I want to get involved and have an active role in the expansion and wellbeing of this community, and now I know I'm ready to take the challenge. After all, now that I've learned to eat, shower, clean my clothes and do chores by myself, taking some responsibility is just the next natural step. And the most important thing: I've learned to talk about my abilities without falling into overconfidence or false modesty. Especially the second one. 4. I've learned there is life beyond my mother, my house and the expectations put on me. I might not have formal titulations, I might not have a career, but I'm a healthy, bilingual, optimistic and adventurous young man. I can do anything if I put my heart into it. There is the time and there is the chance. 5. I've developed a much more positive view on the world, and I hope it was done without becoming naive. There are things wrong in this world, there is bad people, danger, illness and death. But it's alright. I'm coming to terms with my natural boundaries, something a year ago couldn't even dream to do. Now I'm not sure what to say, but surely it should be something sugary. Thanks for being there, your support, your honest opinions and criticism. You are wonderful human beings. We share struggles, we share pain, and there is a shared future for all of us. I could never have believed I'd ever say this, and if someone in my place a year ago reads this it will be ok if they don't trust me, but anyway here goes: If I DID IT, so can YOU! See ya around space quitters, this is not the end.
  6. I'm back!!! I can't begin to express how life-changing my travel was. I'm struggling with the words. I was happy. Found my place among the group. Had great experiences. Made friends. Insert ultimate normie experience. I ate normally and consistently, and tried many different dishes I would have never dared back home under my mother's judging gaze. I even smiled naturally in the photos. Who would have thought? Extracts from my travel diary: - No more migraines during travel. Stomach ache is still present but not persistent. Digestion still a problem but much less burning pain. Lots of back pain since I'm readjusting my posture. Existentialism within reasonable, bearable levels. So, another kind of life is possible. A healthier life. ----- - I now know why I must keep going forward. The short answer is I have no other option. I now realize that's negative thinking. It's a passive mindset in which you're a receiver, a consumer of events, instead of an initiator. You can actually pursue this mindset, it's main advantage lies in being an effective coping mechanism for when you're feeling (or actually are) hopeless. For people with an "established" life, hopelessness turns into a sense of duty towards work, family, country or ideology. For people like me being alive is enough motivator (considering the alternative). The only way to cope with life is keep living. But the important thing is, there is a difference between conclusion and result. I always believed and justified in my mind these two concepts were basically the same thing. That belief thoroughly fucked up my life. They are not the same thing. A conclusion is a boundary that draws the line between the end of an event and the beginning of the next one. The conclusion of my life is that I die. But that's not the result. The result of me being born was related to my parents (not too good, to be honest) decisions. Conclusively, I was born and I'm here. The result of my whole life could be nothing at all. Pretty much as it is now, with the exception of some pages of Respawn in spanish being done and probably, some very well-timed advices given to people I met during my existence. But that's not all. The result of my actions is consequences. An action is a perceptible expression of my will, my mind, my feelings, my identity. The consequences of my actions change the world. Because no matter how insignificant the difference, the world I know would not be the same without me. The world would not be 100% complete without us. And we can leave a 120%. The result of our life and our decisions during it can make a significant change in the lifes of others. And they literally mean the world for us. Our own personal world. [Side Note: I might just be drunk of social interaction.] ----- - Ephemereal tribulations. Ridiculous projects and loads of socialising. Brief lines. Busy. Happy. - No matter how much I fear them, some things will ultimately happen. How will I afront them? That's freedom. Many options, same conclusion. Creative liberty. - Feeling "like myself". Tired. Repressed. Checked-out. Uncaring. I recognise these feelings as foreign and so I must fight them. - 150km/hour in Istambul taxi, driftin like pros wtf. Dude looked like middle-aged Mario and God knows how legit it is since motherfucker drives as he caught a shiny star or some shet. - CIRCULAR STAIRS, YELLOW SOUP (Çorba) AND ATATURK. WELCOME TO TURKEY. - Drinking wine, eating chocolate and watching Looney Toons in Swiss Air planes. Bless those guys. (And Fuck you Ryanair!) ----- I am happier than ever and feel grateful for this experience. I'm self-aware, motivated and with a much clearer purpose. I won't let my dull daily life and my toxic family to drain my energy again. 25 hours left until 90 days, so this troubled journal is coming to an end. My next adventure is about to begin. I'm not ready for it. And I couldn't care less. My short-term goals are keep track of my English certificate and finish Respawn as a come back present for Cam. After that, I have a plan. A BIG PLAN. Also, I've been lurking the forum during my travel and found it unusually inactive. It's not a good time of the year with the beginning of school and university, but nonetheless I'm concerned. Oh, but those are staff confidential ramblings Guys, I missed you. You are my tribe. I'm an idiot, but I think there's a chance for this idiot. Bear with me, "we can make career" of this one, as a spanish saying goes. I'm home again.
  7. Wait, am I @Marquess or @hycniejsy now with the punchlines? I'm leaving in some hours. My first travel abroad. By my own. Yes, positively panicked. Who would have told a year ago? I should not expect anything but I can't help but feel thrilled. The ambient in my home however is... well. Homey. In it's own sense. Looks like I'm departing for war or something similar. Drama runs in the family. It's not like I'm not worried. But I see advantages they don't. Traveling will clear my head off the worst of home (detox from home heh). Way to end the detox man, now that I mention it. A year ago, I was clicking things on a screen, fantasizing about how would be like to visit the city of cities, the Sublime Porte... wow. It would be easy to say it has nothing to do with the detox since it was completely coincidental and thanks to a friend. But that would be fooling myself; it took me a great deal of willpower and bravery to accept as I was, my former self wouldn't have even consider it. No more anticipation! I'm just gonna finish the final preparations and there we go!
  8. Well, this is the moment when I panic.
  9. @Simon E >depressing post Oh, boy, check the first entries No, seriously, THAT was some depressing shit. I'm so glad I left it behind. Actually, your post is related to what I'm about to write now. Specifically this part: ----- A friend I've been having some disagreements with lately has just ROASTED me. HARD. It's hard to tell the whole conversation. Just know that I trust this person's judgement. Or at least I think I did, because to her I don't trust anyone. To her I only have two modes: the people below me that I underestimate and boss around and the people above me to whom I bow my head in fear, submission or at least acknowledgment. Basically I'm an arrogant piece of shit, incapable or unwilling to express affection towards others, only preoccupied in being ahead on an intellectual level, basically stomping my uncaring way through other people's feelings. To her, she belongs to the first group in a way that I consider her worthy to be talked to but not enough to consider her my equal so I try to intellectually put her down at the first chance. And that's the only reason I'm still alive. I have no goals, no drive, no emotions, I just have my stupid and empty ego since I don't have anything in my life to be proud at. And lately my force of will, with all the videogame detox and that. I'm an "asshole, a repugnant toxic person who spends his day being the victim to attract attention and feel special and entitled, or boasting my intelligence and belittling others." For the same reasons I assume. Oh, and sometimes I'm funny, that's the only way I help humanity without pissing on them. Sometimes. ----- Damn. And yet, while she was telling me all this, it felt right. Not just true but right. I've always been like what she describes. Now, a year ago, 6 years ago, when I was a child, always. And I feel PROUD of that. I'm not sure why, but I am. So I don't feel the need to change yet. And since I've being like this all my life, it's not like it's a temporary behavior that serves a response of a specific situation. My situation was very different six years ago and I was like that too. Or maybe it was essentially the same thing...? I am a different person than 6 years ago, or 10. But in the end, this way of thinking... no, this way of feeling. These are my feelings, the way I cope with things emotionally. I've changed how I think, even from a year to the present time. But the way I feel has remained exactly the same. This way of feeling has been pulling me down. I've talked about this person before and her opinion of me. But now I really UNDERSTOOD. Perhaps because she told me in very simple terms this time. The question is: was this way of feeling the problem, or was my ignorance of it? I've thrown this question before too. Am I some kind of hero or villain? Now I know: neither. I'm just a cynic who will not stop to consider anyone's petty heart in order to achieve his goals... considering I stop self-pitying myself long enough to develop any kind of goal. But if that's so, why my interest in Game Quitters? Is it a quest for glory and recognition? Patronizing? A self-interest in my recovery (translating as a hobby) that developed, ironically, into a quest for glory and recognition? It's a possibility. I don't know the reason of why I behave or feel this way. What I can do to be the less toxic person possible to everyone is stick strictly to facts. I don't give a fuck if I do things to feel superior. That's something I'll have to deal and solve by myself. But I have to do things. As far as you are concerned, I'll try to be always there for you. I'll try to pity myself the least possible. And, uhm, not boast or condescend too. What I ask you is to please give my opinion the value it has, no more no less. Since I perhaps tend to... inflate it. And don't take me personal, since on my part I (almost) never take things personally. For whatever inner motive. If I had to tell, I feel I consider everyone of you as equals, not sure if it's because I relate to you with the videogame problem and therefore are "like me" or because I respect your efforts to recover and thrive. A mix of the two probably. ----- Leaving that aside today is day 75. I've been feeling hard cravings and emptiness lately. The last two days had been "as they were before", hiding in the couch and not going anywhere but I consider it normal since my routine has been broken and I'm still looking for meaning and purpose in a most basic level. That means a long-term goal. But I will find it. I swear I will. After all it's me who we're talking about, huh. Also I've been eating better. I'll be traveling on Friday. When I return, 3 more days and the detox will be over. It's been a long journey, but it's almost done now. At least as far as the Detox is concerned. Will it feel as a goal accomplished? As a normal day? As a turning point in my life? Let's reach it and figure it out.
  10. Which Moscow? The one by Dschinghis Khan, the one by Rammstein, the military march "Defenders of Moscow" or the folk song "Moscow Nights"? By the way, today is the day and coincidentally I think I'm settling for singing Moscow Nights. Or perhaps some second rate impersonation of Patti Smith? Man, in the end I won't be singing anything, I can feel it. Yeah and not only that, it's absolutely obnoxious when someone acts towards you according to the self-image they have of you (and what you should be) and not simple observation of facts. But if she feels too old to even try to paint (one of her dreams of youth), I can't conceive how impossible must feel to her to try to do or think things differently. That is sad and a waste of humanity. Humans weren't born to give up. Those people who consider life wrapped up and done by the 40s-50s really piss me off. They're like an invitation to suicide since, well, it's not like life is getting any better but increasingly worse. Like they are here because they have no other choice but they rather not be. And in that context of unwanted drama, I'm just another burden she can't shake off and has to suffer. Well fuck you I'm nobody's burden. And on top of that is that underlying believe that I won't be able to do anything worthy, that I'll just leech and fuck around stuck at home for the rest of my miserable life. She's poisoning her environment with her negativity. Or rather, she's poisoning me, since grandma literally doesn't know in which year she lives and she's a completely different person outside. Not a better one, she just acts bubbly and air-headed as if life wasn't about her. And then there go the unreasonable requests with no prior agreement or the assumptions that I'm not studying anything at all. She knows the difference, because there was a time were I wasn't studying anything and was playing instead. That's unfair, hypocritical and disrespectful to me, the three things I hate the most. But she won't stop staring at her own navel, as we say in spanish. It's not like I don't stare at my own navel too, but if I can do it without fucking with anyone, so can her. Look, I know she loves me, even if her only reason to do it was because she feels obligated and not by personal sympathy towards me. She's just probably dumb. Probably. What's one actionable step for each? Can you try waking up 30 mins earlier than normal? Or going to sleep earlier? What's one meal you can replace with a healthier option? Can you go for a walk each morning? Do 10 push-ups? Keep experimenting. Folks here reported that small but constant exercise routines were really helpful to them (eg. doing pushups when they are at home and cross a door.), I could try that. About food is gonna be difficult now. And about sleep, sure, I can try to both wake up and go to bed earlier, then take a shower and be ready to seize the day before these motherfuckers (the workers) show up. I'm dying here otherwise.
  11. There's been comments in the journal I haven't been able to properly answer. I have to go now but I'll do it asap, thanks for stopping by, means a lot.
  12. What happened in the end is we had a one-sided argument in which she made herself a victim while I snarked to, I admit, abusive levels. Snark is the maximum level of aggressiveness to me. I could fist-fight someone and never lose my cool (it's just that I can't fist-fight for sh*t), but when I snark there's no mercy. At certain point I felt thirsty after many reproaches and opened the fridge (which remember now it's in the living room and mostly empty). There was no water but there was a bottle of a non alcoholic liquor, so I settled for that. I checked the bottle regardless, saying outloud to myself "Non-alcoholic, right?". To which she answered: "No, but you could start with that." What? Enraged, I walked towards the cupboard full of my father old bottles, poured myself a long shot of vodka, mixed it with the beverage while saying "Fuck you!" and gulped it down in front of her. Then, with my best Russell Crowe impersonation I faced her. "Well? Is it enough for you? Am I an alcoholic yet? Am I like my father now?" That, perhaps, was overdoing. It seemed to have an effect on her, the argument was over in two or three sentences. I like the idea of being a dialectic juggernaut but I can't fool myself: she's just an immature, intellectually mediocre, old-fashioned woman. What's the merit of beating her feelings to the ground? Not much, really. It's just my larger than life pride. When someone is dishonest, or falsely accuses me, or displays a dangerous and offensive level of ignorance, I just fucking have to obliterate and crush that person. My mother just has the bad luck or the lack of fucks given to keep doing that all the time. I have to make a decision. Is my mother a fool or is she pretending to be one? At her job she displays a level of cunning uncharacteristic of a fool, and usually avoids trouble by pretending to be one. So she must just not give a fuck about hurting my feelings then. The difference is important, I think I've explained this before. If she's mentally impaired, I can't get angry at her. It would be both useless and unfair. If she just doesn't give a fuck she's a toxic individual to avoid, regardless of coincidental blood kinships. That's my "true" way of dealing with people, and not the rehearsed, tolerant, politically correct speech I usually display. That means I'm increasingly harsher with my loved ones the more I care about them and ultimately, I'm the harshest with myself. I woudn't ask anyone anything I wouldn't ask to myself. Problem is I tend to ask to myself a lot. I will have to work on that and perhaps someday I'll develop a softer, unexpecting approach to things and people alike. Of course, it will all depend on me, she won't need to do anything. Always a passive object, my mother. How can anyone live like that? I can't; that won't be me. All parents teach something to their children. Some teach them by example how to not do things. If I ever am like my parents, I'll consider my life a failure. I want something else from life. I want dignity. And a clear conscience, with no regrets. That's basically the opposite to my parents. Well, if that's the case I guess I have a big work ahead, right?
  13. I'm a bit embarrased at myself atm. Mom came with her usual bullshit. I'm in a tough process of recovering of a 16 year long addiction so I'm oversensitive to bullshit. She accused me of making things harder to her because I don't want to stay home taking care of things. I explained to her in irritation that home is a toxic, draining environment to me and she couldn't understand. I refused to spend mornings at home without being monetarily compensated, and since I bring a friend with me as accountability partner, is a double fee. The amount is reasonable according to my standards and I make a fair calculation according to our actual productivity (I'm not asking for money if we've been slacking around), that's not the problem, but she negates the idea itself that my time costs money. My feelings cost money. Being in a place I don't want to be costs money. I don't care much about the money itself, I hate money, no matter how childish it may sound to you. I don't care, and there are very few things I don't care. It's about the compensation. And money is the only language she understands. Actually, it's funny, I could have perfectly agreed on helping her, it's inconvenient but not so big of a deal. But when she takes everything for granted I just lose my shit. She calls me abusive. She says I'm just taking advantage of her, that I'm just draining her when I'm not doing anything. So I'm not doing anything. I'm trying to cope with life. I'm trying to quit games. I'm trying to live a life I'm proud of and find my place in the world, even when I don't have the slightest idea of why I should do that in the first place. That's my real problem, it's not "all because the games". So take that as well, now I'm blaming games and using them as an excuse. But no, that's anything. To her there's not a damn difference between how I was this same day a year ago, or two, or three, and now. She downplays the whole thing when I assert it, and dramatically exaggerates it when I try to handle it. A year ago everything was "terrible, a mess, unbearable". Now, "things were not so bad." Well, with due respect screw your biased, partial judgement and your constant guilt tripping. (Clock ticks 0:00, and like a modern Cinderella my computer won't let me go on, so I'll finish this post in some hours)
  14. Aforementioned girl became evasive all of a sudden. I know what that means. Crush of 2016 is over, one thing less to do this year. I'll stick to my original plan of being a missionary or soldier in the Spanish Navy and forget all about girls, but I'd like to explore the world more first. I'm most probably not being serious now, but who knows how the world will spin. The universe keeps gently pushing me towards a certain direction, but I don't listen. Classes began but I'm still feeling empty. I'm not busy enough (adding the extra practice and habits). Actually I am, but... I don't seem to have a direction. I'm just doing things I like. In other words have a lot of hobbies. People here tend to say that all your actions must be focused on a specific goal, even your hobbies. Considering that, my hobbies are aimed to a future acting career of some kind, but my focus isn't laid there. I still can't get up early and seize the morning, I still don't eat healthy, I still don't do exercise. My life simply can't go on without those three things. If I fix those three things and still feel empty I'll have to greatly consider my next course of action.
  15. That's an interesting question actually. It has to do with the concept of hiperestimulation: You're so used to be distracted and entertained all the time that now even the most basic action of eating feels boring. Right? From my experience I always had trouble eating, I'm underweight and my eating habits usually consisted in quickly eat up the bare minimum and rush back to gaming. I'm also a naturally light eater, so I get sated really fast. Just two or three forkfuls feel enough, so the rest of the meal feels a bit like taking medicine. Necessary but uncomfortable. What I usually do is eat as fast as I can to get over with it, usually while standing. If I sit down to eat while watching TV it's almost sure I'm going to procrastinate in some way. But this is not healthy either. How long does it take for you to finish a meal on average?
  16. English class was so good yesterday, I'm considering to try my luck with the exam in December. It may overlap with December travel but I haven't received confirmation of it yet. I'll wait to the last moment to sign up waiting for a response. If not, next chance to do exam is in February which is also an ok date. Milestone 1 of special, ultra-secret project completed. Step 2 in progress and almost done. It should have been done by now but his evening I'm going to a musical theatre play and I'm being VERY LATE BY THE WAY so goodbye for now!
  17. Woo, this thread had a pretty good start. Looking forward to see more sketches, everyone! (I'll post my own but currently it's impossible to me)
  18. Tuesday was great, but I don't know how am I going to survive the next ones. Three activities in a row, that's crazy. Crazy for my own current standards at least. Last night I couldn't sleep and decided to get done a part of a project I'm about to detail, then I procrastinated for a while. Workers arrived one hour earlier (8 AM) and I couldn't get enough sleep. They were here for five minutes then left and still haven't returned. I'm considering decided not go to morning class and call it a sick day. Because yes I consider myself ill and every time I spend the night awake, mindless browse or compulsively masturbate as anxiety relief I see it as a manifestation of my illness, a bad day. That way I can still improve while not berating myself to much for it. It sucks but despite doing everything at a wrong time, I usually finish most of the stuff so I'm generally satisfied with myself. Concerning that, I've been in high spirits for the greater part of the detox, I've learned my mood is separated from my existential anxiety. Now I know I can be in a good mood and still innerly panicked about aging, death and other triggers. It only saddens me when it temporally disables my ability to perform mundane actions, but it passes eventually. Life's looking good. I was asked to sing so the teacher could test my vocal capabilities and I suffered stage fright. I'm only confident with russian folk and military songs... in russian. Blindfolded. I don't have the slightest idea of russian. I correct, I'm only comfortable with myself when phonetically singing russian folk blindfolded. That is weird as fuck, but I'm not going to waste time pretending to be normal now, right? I paid money to sing, and hell I'll sing, even if I want to die afterwards and I'm the target of worried stares. It took me some time because instrumentals are really scarce, but I narrowed my selection to two. So should I try "Katyusha" or "Farewell of Slavianka"...?
  19. And beyond! (If you let me.) Today IS THE DAY. My friend is about to arrive in 20 minutes and the first thing I plan to do is a major overhaul of my working environment. That means clean up the mess my room has become. That and the reform has turned my house into a really weird place. Having a functioning fridge in the living room is unsettling no matter how you look at it Also some people on the Discord chat asked me if my date was today. It seems I have a fanbase hyped for it lol. I'm hyped for it. Last night I had the opportunity to procrastinate and mindless browse, and to be honest I was feeling pretty shitty, nihilist and that, but I went to bed regardless. I had some trouble trying to sleep but now that the workers have arrived and started hammering things around I'm grateful about the decision I made. It's the second time in a row these guys arrive 10 minutes EARLY. You know I'm always thrashing my country but damn, you can't begin to imagine how extraordinary that is. Maybe it's because it's the beginners motivation. Or maybe it's because my neighbors next door are also reforming and there's some kind of rivalry going on? People arriving early. Inconceivable. Lovely film, better person. And there is a spaniard, what else can you ask for. What kind of clothing does one wear for a flamenco class...? It took me completely unprepared. Well autumn in general took me completely unprepared. I'll have to do emergency shopping and gods no, I hate to buy clothes, sigh. I'm changing my mind about going... but I'll be happy afterwards, I'm sure of it. Well, time to get life done before I get done with life. If that makes sense.
  20. @Terra Left column, second eyes: "Craving face".
  21. Hitaru got on my case for asking the same question a couple weeks ago, since it's in the FAQ haha. Just gotta wait after the last letter for their nameplate to pop up, then you click it! LOL @Hitaru bringing the hammer down. - sometimes the tag takes a second to show up. A second, good joke that. It's glitchy as hell dude! Also that was from the time before I was a mod. Power will not change me and my perfectionism Now that I've intruded here I gotta read, but I can't right now, noted for later!
  22. Day 66. I fixed sleep schedule for the most part again. Looking forward to this week onward, finally the time of truth when my new life will start. I've been feeling cravings for my interactive lewd fiction that I haven't felt with other stuff, like stories. So I reassert myself: going back to it will be detox breaking. I also mindless browsed youtube the day before yesterday at night and watched Stellaris and XCOM 2 game film, triggering a dream of having relapsed that made me feel confused when I woke up. I must note I've been feeling fine from the moment I stopped direct exposition to gaming content. I'm not eager to keep testing my newfound resilience however. September has been a month of little progress yet BIG news. Without further ado, I present them now. This is Captain Taru's monthly report! Overview: - Time to schedule, baby! Having fixed activities will help a great deal into fixing my life. I fear I will start big and deflate in two or three months. Again. No amount of motivation or preparation is going to help me avoid this fear. I have to fight it and beat it, not repress it or convince myself I do things because "there's no other way". There IS other way, the way of games and procrastination. A worse way. The worst way. Of course no amount of big words will make me walk the walk sooner or better. But I hope I will learn my lesson, eventually. - A travel to mysterious and mildly dangerous eastern lands was proposed to me and organized during this September. I'm thrilled with the idea, and soon, it will materialize. A second travel even more interesting than the first was proposed by December but is not a sure thing yet. - Special Event: A girl I met some time ago and not mentioned in this Journal before reappeared in my life and threatens to shake my vulnerable stability with uncomfortable yet quite popular feelings among humans. The kind that make you put rings in hands and act like a hopeless idiot. I have much better things to do, but I can't ignore myself. Well, I can, but I'm not willing to. I won't chase her either. My plan is to plainly assert my feelings whatever they may be at the very first chance and shrug it off as if no big deal. Because it's not a big deal, I just like her. She might even find my deadpanning cute. What she will find it for sure is convenient, since the words "I like you" tend to generate terror in girls. It's like they expect you to ask their hand in lifelong marriage right away. No, no. Nothing of that. I *just* like her. She's the kind of person that makes you strive to be better each day. I can live my life without her. It would just be a bit worse life. So, no rush and for God's sake, no drama. What I do find relevant to highlight is my "cycle of crushing" (Meet in September - develop feelings in October - lose my dignity in March - recover in June) seems to have reappeared for the first time in years. That's an interesting development, I'll keep you posted. To my chagrin. - Other recent developments almost ironically also related to a female have made available a friend almost 24/7 and I shall use him in a mutually beneficial relationship to get out of the house, have breakfast and study/work together. I expect great things! Goals have been set: Slowly but surely prepare my body and mind for the performing arts, and get an official English proficiency titulation in the mid-term. I enrolled successfully in everything I set my mind to and I'm stoked to begin, despite my reservations. I guess journaling and the community will play a much more important role in my life, at least until I gain momentum. If that ever happens. The pleasant autumn, by far my favourite season, will help my mood if I help it help me. That means I'll be needing to visit the beach and have some time for myself a lot, and I really should not neglect that need. My comfort zone namely my house will be unavailable for the time being. I need to find a backup place or places to eat and shower regularly. That may turn positive in the long run, as I will actively seek to be out of the house the most as possible. (Reason below) All in all, I feel happy and excited. Motivation takes action, and action I will get. I can't wait to update again. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Routine: Average wake up hour (busy day): ## Average wake up hour (unscheduled day): 12:00 Average bed hour: ## Average socialization: 3+ times/week Average TV: 3 hours Average WhatsApp: 1 hours Average Procrastination: 10+ hours Notes: TV and Whatsapp decreased. Computer increased. Daily exercise: none Daily meditation: none Daily practice (acting): none Daily practice (drawing): none Daily practice (writing): none Daily practice (music): none Fixed activities: - Flamenco dancing, Singing and Voice class, English, Dramaturgy. Goals: - Driving license: Stalled until English Certificate achieved. - Languages: Succesfully enrolled in Cambridge CAE preparatory (CEFR C1, very advanced). Starting on Tuesday. - Drawing class assistance: Stalled until English Certificate achieved. - Acting group assistance: Dropped, and it was a good decision. Stats: - Health: 65% / Previous estimate 70% - Appearance: 60% / Previous estimate 65% - Charisma: 60% / Previous estimate 50% - Confidence: 70% / Previous estimate 75% ------------------------------------------------------------------- Other stuff: There's going to be a reform going in my mother's house kitchen for the duration of the next month. I've been assigned to watch over the whole operation, opening and closing the door, checking if the cat won't exit the house with the door open, etc, and of course I will not. I don't feel entitled to any of my mother's possessions, and the mere request is an unspoken declaration that she thinks I've got nothing better to do, so it's my turn to prove her wrong. The bad news is she will have to hire someone and that will put a strain in our economy, whatever it is since I'm not allowed to know, which I find utterly ridiculous and inefficient. Yet another reason not to feel it as "our" things. Also, a stranger looking after strangers and an old, mentally impaired woman? Who will watch the watchmen? (Or watchwoman in this case, on top of that sexist). If we lived in a civilised country, such as Germany, this would be no big deal. But this is Spain and construction workers and illegal house staff are not mere strangers. Not the slightest ounce of honesty they have. I can't begin to express how outraged I am. Her irresponsibility towards my grandmother decaying state has made us technically lose a four zero figure in the most recent past (unrelated to the reform). I rather not talk about it but not only I'm beginning to assume there will be no inheritance for poor little Hitaru, my respect towards her has plummeted. She is not to be trusted. I just ask "authority" for one thing: to get equal or better results than I would. Obviously she's not suited to be the household head and it gives me no small amount of annoyance to be unable to dispute her position and take over. For now. She's only good to work all day and ignore her family needs. Receive an assigned task and do it. A servant, a natural follower. I shall not be a follower. At least not an unwitting one. @Cam Adair once said to me that everyone is trying their best. And I respect that. I can handle malice and she has none, but sometimes their best is not enough. Sometimes not even my best is enough. As I read somewhere: "Some people don't hold your best interests at heart. Others think they do, and those can be even worse." [SOLVED: I kindly offered to watch over the house with my current partner in crime. That way we can get stuff done while still taking care of my home... for a reasonable fee of course. I couldn't imagine I'd have that shrewd and ruthless businessman side. And I think I like it.] ------------------------------------------------------------------- My eternal stalled tasks, eat better and doing exercise. I just don't find the moment or the thrive to start and I'm not sure what am I gonna do about them. I'm not giving up on them anytime soon, I just need to find the proper vehicle (diet) and courage (exercise). I won't say for the thousandth time that I will fix them. But I'll try. ------------------------------------------------------------------- As you can see below my username, I've been granted power. At least until Cam comes back from Tanzania. I'll do my best to keep the forum in good order and crush all spammers. I'm not the only one tasked with that mission (I just happen to be the most important~~) so there will be not any disaster. Looking forward to that as well. I've already made some minor things (closing threads mostly) and I have an overall thread revision in mind. Many topics are brought up again and again just to wind down and be brought up again by newcomers. That's pretty inefficient, so I'll be scratching my brain to find a solution. ------------------------------------------------------------------- The first, unadulterated 1.0 version of Respawn in spanish is scheduled to be out anytime this October. From that point it will have to be revised by readers to gradually add a distinct spanish flavor (and become less of a transliteration). Youtube videos are next on the To-do list.
  23. Don't worry it still counts as today for me lol You didn't forgot, you were self-doubting yourself Looking forward to more sketches! <3
  24. Woot! >arms reach >in 6 months or so #waytoopositive Screw it, I'm blocking my mother's computer. I wanted to play (no pun) nice but now I see I can't trust myself in the slightest. The sad thing is, I find being consistent with your own mindsets very important, so I'll find very hard to trust everyone else in the future too. It happens to me already, for instance I'm becoming less and less tolerant with people procrastinating and making half-promises, I know where they lead and I hate it. When I was a child I thought setting boundaries and red lines was a clear sign of adult close-mindedness. Now I can at least understand the reasons behind the process. Is that growing up, I wonder...? For a change the question doesn't make me feel sarcastic, but wistful. Now if there's anything about being an adult THAT'S being wistful, so we're kind of narrowing things down! I keep delaying the gigapost, and it's weird. After all is no less than day 63, I reached the second month but I don't feel so hyped. My theory is because I'm currently in a down phase, oh, and reaching a month not being a novelty anymore [smug] If I don't make it today I'll make it tomorrow to commemorate the end of this awfully inactive yet full of good news September. I should learn some things of Cam's style of making monthly progress reports. For two days I've been spending some hours with certain lewd interactive fiction and I'm not sure if that's detox breaking. While I don't feel too guilty, I don't feel completely clean either. It's reading, ok, but anything that has buttons makes me uneasy. Heck, I'm even avoiding visual novels for the same reason. I'm going to let it be this time, but only if I stop right now till the end of the detox. If I play/read again after stating I wouldn't I'll declare it my loss. Can you imagine still being in my first detox in goddamn January? Gods no. Now I'll just sit here waiting for @Marquess ruthless retort on this matter. ^^ (Or perhaps he won't mind since the thing is not openly politically correct huuuuh...?) I want to delve in that special happening but it would take away hype from the gigapost. On the other hand, making a separated post for it would allow me to explain myself in more detail in both posts and focus more on important detox facts and data in the report post. I'll decide in the next minutes and probably doublepost.
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