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Hitaru
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Posts posted by Hitaru
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>gossiping about me in my own journal
Welcome back @Marquess!
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BEYOND side notes #1:
After 3+ weeks of consistent research on my moods (with the help of an app called Daylio) I think I made a first breakthrough. I discovered my natural pattern is a cycle of 2 good days followed by a cycle of 2-3 indifferent days. I'm tempted to say bad days, but I'm currently experiencing my first funk since I started keeping a record, so I discovered the hard way that it can go worse. I'm currently faring just slightly better, slowly. Also, there's been a lot of good little things with the power to brighten me, such as good tasting food or my cat being all lovey-dovey that I wasn't aware of before. I was expecting a terrible result and in fact I discovered I'm much happier, statistically speaking, than I first thought! That's encouraging, to be honest. I'm also more aware of the time, the lot of time I spend doing nothing, but it's the price to pay, and pay it will do in the future.
All the emotional work and inner reflection we're doing is also starting to show off. I feel more connected with my friends (my family is probably beyond salvation
) and I'm much more in tune with my feelings.[I'm currently researching something in this regard, something I wasn't expecting when I first started the program, but it's ultra-secret until I have more tangible results. But it involves human interaction. With potentially several test subjects. Thrilling!]
It's been a while since I made one of these, so here we go:
I'm grateful for:
1. @Mhyrion. Love ya sis!
2. The confidence my theatre background provided me. I want to delve more into that.
3. My family, despite everything. They are not bad, our values are just too different.
4. Being able to eat what I want, whenever I want, with a bad time digesting as my only limit. I might have been binging on obese people documentaries a bit too much.There's this one program aired in my regional TV channel in the format of a light-hearted competition (not extreme, japanese tear-jerking challenge tier), that is quite cool, participants work in teams (they're mostly good friends or families) and share their lives to show the challenges of losing a lot of weight. The hosts are a team made of a fitness coach, a psychologist, two nutritionist and a renowned cook, and they share plenty of advice and myth debunking about food and dieting, focusing on mediterranean diet (well obviously). That one is awesome, I wish you could see it
so you could stop talking all that gibberish about those weird diets you follow in America and the north of Europe.They air it on Sunday night, so I can spend some family quality time watching it, that's a plus.5. Having commited to go to the gym. I lost my momentum when I felt sick and right after I felt into this funk, but I'm itching to return.
6. A dear friend feeling better about his life lately.
7. The people that, despite my tendency towards isolation, still want to reach to me.
8. The opportunity that @Cam Adair gave me accepting me in Beyond, and his endless support thus far. I'm also grateful and happy for your recent gigs on TV, awesome job man!
8.1. The trust Cam still bestows upon me, despite all my half-promises, my many faults and unreliability and that I'm taking so fucking long to recover and get a life running. The guy must have seen something truly special on me or he must be in awful shortage of spaniards. Probably both.
9. This community, and relishing on the fact that a sort of generational relief happened without everything falling down to pieces... yet. Go new people!
10. Being closer towards reaching my goal of finding my goals, one day at a time. I might sound restless these times, but it's just because I feel I'm grazing it with my nails.Extra: Being able to think on a list of gratefulness without much problem. Normally I couldn't have been able to think about more than 3 items.
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What is Hitaru?
What is Hitaru?
He is a Game Quitters Legend, and the Official Game Quitters Ambassador to Spain: @Hitaru
^.^
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A steep hill ahead, but surviving. So much to do, habits to be installed. I won't say anything yet to prevent my brain from getting the reward, but things are rolling so far.
Vets keep leaving, and since I don't check on the newbies my journal gets lonely, heh. Well, a price to pay for having to put the focus on myself the time being. I just hope to return in full force soon, a new, better, more helping Hitaru. Small steps.
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My lack of discipline is disturbing
You have to build it amigo, there's no other way.
Do you follow your goals everyday and write + if you do this and - when not? I strongly recommend that, because this way my discipline upgraded A LOT, when me and @Piotr started to do this on weekly basis as a sum up of daily basis of checking goals.
Greetings, Mad Pharmacist
I write down my goals for the day in a list and cross them, but I need more consistency.
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Not much to tell since these days have been basically failures, but I purchased "A Man's Search for Meaning" and I'm currently reading it. Also, Beyond group call in a bit, it will be good.
It's been so, so long since I read anything, and with such enthusiasm. Curiously enough, I feel related not to the examples of success the doctor points out, but the failures. I imagine myself being one of those prisoners in a hostile, unforgiving world, having abandoned all hope and lost in a pointless quest for rationalization and comfort. After all, isn't life a prison? There's no getting out of here alive, and, same as prisoners beaten up by foremans, we will receive the eventual punch, kick or perhaps torture by chaotic, unforeseeable forces. Frankl describes 3 stages in the psyche of a prisoner. I can see myself pictured in an uncanningly accurate way as part of the first mindset. I guess there's only one way forward, advance towards the second. Dull my feelings of dread with short and middle-term purpose. Will liberation come someday? Ah, who knows, that's well beyond my scope. Heh, it's not like no one else ever has ever asked the same thing, right? Welcome to Humanity.
Good mood despite the bittersweet realizations. With the positive energy of the call and possibly extra feedback of some professional online counseling I recently entered, I have good expectations for the upcoming week. Let's not jinx it, gents.
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Good day yesterday as well. I skipped all the evening sleeping, but made lots of things in the morning. Now I'm procrastinating again, but after this post I should begin my new day. I already ate a healthy breakfast so the most annoying thing of the morning ritual has been dealt with. I also purchased some pills for my anxiety-induced stomach unrest, so that should not be a problem or excuse anymore.
I called to a good academy specialised in public service exams. Apparently the next calling for Armed Forces is comming really soon. I don't have any kind of confidence that I could enter this time but there's hope that there will be a second*. Worst case scenario, I wait for next year and meanwhile deploy Plan B, travel the world and get life experience. All this in preparation of turning 25 in 3 years and "make time" until being able to apply for university without high-school.
Normally, there are two callings for Armed Forces entrance exam each year, but this time the first was severely delayed for an unknown reason. That has happened two more times, one of them saw the second calling cancelled, so there's a 50% chance. The exams are only issued in case of high demand... but there's always high demand (or rather, really few places). They consist in a medical and psychological evaluation, physical and psychotechnical exams.
Those psychotechnicals are... dreadful. Or so I though! I did a casual first sample test with real randomized questions and got this results:
- Aptitudes:
1. Verbal - 11/15
2. Spatial - 8/15
3. Perceptical - 7/15
4. Numerical - 0/15 (I skipped this part)
5. Mechanical - 6/15 (I don't know the theory, I'm surprised)
6. Memory - 8/15
7. Abstract reasoning - 9/15 (Seriously? These ones didn't make any sense, I was expecting to have like 3 or so)
So either I'm really lucky or have some sort of hidden talent
. However that's the limit of my skill, I'll need assistance and teachers to help me get this through. Do I want to get this through?
I can't help to think it's just a chronicle of a death foretold.
I don't see myseNo, scratch that.
I'm scared to commit. That's the plain truth. I'm foolish enough to think I actually have something to lose. Hah! I mean, if I take the leap, I will have plenty to lose. I don't want to be discharged with dishonor, that wouldn't be a subjective opinion like dropping a course, but an official stain in my profile that would last forever. That's why, if I take the step, it's all or nothing. I think it's time to apply some Cam lessons here:
- Do I think this is what I have to do? Yes. My mother doesn't (I tentatively discussed the option), but I do. Come on, me, it's just two years, what's the worst could happen (besides war and a gruesome death, which strangely enough doesn't bother me). Yes yes sure, you have so many alternatives. Come on man, what are you doing with them? I'll tell you what, fucking nothing that's what you're doing. Stop behaving as if you were making a mistake, keep doing nothing is the damn mistake.
So this is the plan. Eat well, exercise, study in secret, pass the examinations and one happy day, announce it to my mother with one foot already at the doorstep. Why announce something that might not work at all, only to receive discouragement? Harsh but practical.
I can't help but think I'm straying away from my original goal of becoming an actor. But when I was in that I couldn't help but think I was straying from my original goal of being a politician. AND when I was in that I couldn't HELP but THINK that I was straying from my original goal of being a translator/writer. You know my honest opinion? I could do all that in one lifetime. But for fucks sake I need to start with something, ANYTHING. My lack of discipline is disturbing.
To Hell with it. I'll begin to listen to that little voice in my head all cocksure crazy and self-assured. Usually when that happens some people start saying things like "arrogant" and stuff. But... they are not me. And look where we ended by trying to make everyone contented. No, no, it simply doesn't work. My mistake was double: trying to make people understand me and trying to live according their expectations. Now I know better. If I don't say anything, I could for all reason have the most selfish motives (if that was true to begin with), but people would only see things getting done. There's a difference between sharing your experience and the feelings that led you there, and mere justification. If someone wants to know, I'll be happy to discuss with them, as I'd wanted to have a helping hand in my times of need. But enough doormat-ing.
I wrote this before...
Maybe the thousandth time is the charm guys. -
@hycniejsy Well well, leave it to the impatient ones...! Here you are mate: "How to Quit Playing Video Games in 60 Seconds" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y0DGBfnPpxY
(I warn you though, is not a 100% literal transliteration, I'm quite proud of it, I think I was able to grasp the concept without skipping info and keeping with Cam shiny-star-induced speed
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Good day yesterday! I didn't do anything special, just go to an appointment (bad news, my teeth are a mess orthodontically speaking), hang out with a friend and pay the first fee of the gym (now I'm financially committed, gasp). I had my first Beyond-related Skype call with @Mhyrion (a self-confessed reader of this journal, heh), and we reached some useful insights. My mood is not the best, but things seem to be going fine. I should learn to take it easy(er) and let life just flow. It will flow anyway, one way or another.
For today, I was (and still am) delaying going to pilates and my first gym session, but I have plenty time to repent, around one hour or so. In a curious example of pasive positive procrastination, I checked on my options for the English exams. I finally learned what IELTS and TOEFL are! (and discarded them for unless I want to study or work big dollar abroad). I decided to buy the official manuals for C2 in a whim and assess my level from that point. The clever decision is to start studying beyond my level *as if* I was preparing for C2 instead of C1, and then see my real options when the time to apply arrives. In other words, being overprepared for the safest option. Geez I'm so cheeky and smart.
[I'm-suddenly-spending-so-much-money-omfg.gif]
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This section fulfills 2 main purposes:
1. Giving a space to members to be able to fully express themselves in their native language and lexicon as well as opening the opportunity to be answered in that same language in return.
This is your chance to connect more deeply with potentially nearby people (or at least enthusiastic about your language), vent using your own swear words from back home (really therapeutic) and avoid that familiar feeling of not being able to properly convey thoughts and (especially) emotions in your "other" journal.
(That being said, you really, really, really should have a journal in English, since you'll be able to get support from many people around the world. If your time is limited, prioritize that one).
2. Reach even more people who are struggling with gaming addiction, right now as you read this.
Having fully implemented versions of Game Quitters and Game Quitters Forums in many languages seems a bit optimistic in the present time. However, at the end of the day, it's our experience what makes the most significant impact in the fight against videogame addiction. We discuss many things in this forum and the /r/StopGaming/ subreddit. We discuss healthy habits, we discuss hobbies, we discuss living a life of purpose. We discuss unhealthy things too; sometimes we even discuss how to avoid them. But all those topics have their own fields of research, there's information available about them, places to go and get educated, about psychology, nutrition, social skills, all kinds of activities and passions...
But our testimonies here are unique. We are the research on videogame addiction. We are the frontline. Let me ask you a question. When you decided to quit, how many fellow quitters did you know in your close circles that you could rely on for guidance and reassurance? According to statistics, you should have known of someone, or the friend of someone. And yet I can safely bet the vast majority of us arrived here by chance, after a tentative google search in the isolation of our rooms.
And then, we found Cam. It's not about Cam (putting aside his monstrous efforts to keep all this gig running), but when we heard about Cam and Game Quitters it was not about the man, but his story. He told us a story that resonated within us, in our deepest cores. We all thought: "Damn, this guy is throwing a big chunk of truth and fact in my direction, and it smells". It stirred our insides. Made us leap and take a first action. One single story, our story, is what made possible that we are here together. Lives were fixed. Others were literally saved. No melodrama, just the facts. The hardships some people had to face when they first arrived here and quit games were in some cases brutal. But things will keep getting better for many, if we keep this alive.
That's why communication is so important. A single story brought thousands of people together. That's why your story is important. Perhaps this forum and the subreddit look a bit hostile to someone unfamiliar with the language of Shakespeare, but a story can be reshaped. It can be cut, pasted, edited, formatted, translated, summarized, put into a blog, a newspaper, a twit. Wouldn't it be nice if you could take a friend, family member or acquaintance of yours and say: "Look, I know what you are going through. I was in your shoes, and so many people were as well. Here, take a look"?
Your story counts.-
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I translated a GQ video, and I'll probably translate some more before today ends. Hitaru can into usefulnings.
Hey, which video it is? I'll watch it just to improve my Spanish
Greetings, Mad Pharmacist
The first of many, my friend!
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Shitty, checked out week.
Enough of the bad news. Today was the first call with Cam in the Beyond program. It's simply amazing. I had heard about most of the things we discussed before, even translated some of them in Respawn, but it's astonishing, the difference in impact that can make things just read or watched in a generic youtube episode than things said directly to YOU. The same things! I always distrusted "coaches" and the sort, and yes many of them are still charlatans, but I think today was a great breakthrough and the beggining of something important, even if I still don't know what it is. But probably, the first step towards that BIG thing I mentioned before. I can't wait to keep going, a sensation I have not felt in a really long time.
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Thank you Mario. For having my back and the back of so many others. You honored the community with your dedication, your patience, your passion and optimism. Please drop by from time to time if you can, we are going to miss you!
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@hycniejsy Instead of just letting your recommendation sink into the void, I seized the opportunity to make a wish-list in Amazon with the main books that everyone comment here again and again, including this one of course. I expect a shitload of self-help material coming in my direction in the next days. Thank you!
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I translated a GQ video, and I'll probably translate some more before today ends. Hitaru can into usefulnings. Also made papers from previous travel that will allow me to reimburse a nice sum of money (enough to pay some courses, gym monthly fees, whatever I decide, not much but absolutely welcomed). This productivity compensates my frustration from this morning. I was pissed off because I took Flan to the vet for his surgery and I wasn't there at the supposed hour, which I consider was absolutely not my fault. No, that's not true. It's my fault because I should have called and get the hour right by myself instead of depending on my mother, the one who called to make the appointment after I insisted many times in that she should do it instead of me.
Each day that passes she makes more and more clear that she's not here to provide with any kind of commodity, help, service or advantage beyond cold hard cash from her endless work (because emotional support is completely out of the question at this point). Fine enough, time for myself to start stretching those wings and consider seriously the next stage of my life, without her and her financial helping hand. Cold but necessary, this comfort zone is simply unacceptably big.
I say this because I find really terrifying the idea of just going outside, even for a walk and not even mention to do things (and I'm also really uncomfortable with phone calls). It takes all of my willpower to step out into the street, and many times I don't make it. Is it because my body refuses to abandon the comfyness of home? Is it because I fear that external movement will lead to internal movement, change, and therefore implicitly the inevitability of the passing of time (which by the way is passing anyway regardless of my actions)? You might see this as stupid. Remember that my biggest fear in life is life itself, so it makes sense to me. Making sense is the first step towards fixing it, but I'm only slightly more sure than before about how. I will consider therapy when there are no more options, but I think I'll come up with something before that. I really hope so, because [insert politically incorrect opinion about therapists].
Note to myself: Schedule when, motherfucker? It's almost a meme now.
Almost.
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Well well, guess who reached 90 days today!
Also,
>Spanish and acting
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@WorkInProgress Didn't I answer you? Damn, I really procrastinated here. I lost the habit of posting, sorry. But yes, I agree with you. In the end is action and results what define us, specially in the face of others.
Since being rejected for going to Ireland I was pretty lost. I think I was a bit depressed despite myself (and my pride).However I've been able to finish small tasks one by one, so it's not a complete stall. Now I just need a BIG LEAP.
That means daring to do what I know that I have to do. Uh. But I will in some days. Trust me. I will.
I'll bring back good news soon.
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A month ago, I applied for an EVS (European Voluntary Service) in Ireland. My job would be to help a youth theatre organization with their activities. For a year. In Ireland. Dude.
After some weeks they replied positively, I was interviewed on Skype and today, I received my answer.
In a very long letter full of mannerism, compliments and suggestions of other related activities and projects, they kindly refused my services.
It's strange. I was never refused in anything work-related before. And yet, as some people in Discord know, I had my more than fair share of doubts on my performance during the interview. From the deconstruction of the compliments I received (which I honestly thank btw), the fact remains there: Despite my oh so charming personality and good disposition, I was not convincing enough. I was not ready enough.
It would be a pointless brag or just a lie to say I'm not disappointed. Well, actually I'm kind of fucked since I didn't prepare a Plan B (I have something floating around in my head but nothing specific). The worst case scenario has happened, and I must confront the unpleasant truth I don't really have a set of convincing hard skills to put myself out there, and my more developed soft skills that could even the score are severely hindered by my lack of confidence and moral relativism.
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- What makes you "fitting" for a position? What makes you "better" than someone else for a job, (or a relationship, a scholarship, etc)?
Of course I don't know the answer, no one knows. There are millions of people better suited to do whatever I put my sights on. Not just me, everyone faces the same context. You know I hate the concept of "faith", of displaying a confidence in the veracity or suitability of something "just because"; that includes myself. To write some philosophy, it's a legit stance. To find a job and achieve goals, it's simply bullshit.
I must learn to develop that unwavering confidence that I'm better suited (suited enough at least) than every possible competitor I'd come across, and support that believe with facts. Both sides of the same coin. I need both in the same degree.
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I am a talented person. Everyone says that. I never tried seriously. If I tried and found out I'm not so talented, I'd actually feel relieved of not having a great responsibility that comes with a great power, you know. My biggest problem then is confidence. With confidence, I'll go anywhere. Or no, but I won't feel guilty about it. Confidence it is.
So, I'm determined. I'll focus on attaining that confidence, all my actions will be related to that goal.
- My first definition goal: Self-awareness.
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@Tatu92 @Cam Adair @WorkInProgress Thanks!
Today I woke up way too late to avoid doing what I must, but I was able to say a big, friendly "Fuck you" to myself and get some things done. Schedule important appointments I was putting aside for years and shave my adventurer's beard. Now I feel clean and ready. Things ("events" let's say) will slowly happen in the following days, so next step is get a steady daily life. I also joined for that Unconventional Life Summit thing and I must say, despite my prejudice against successful, focused people, curiosity won over
spaniardnesscynicism.Remember, spanish people is noteworthy for our defeatism, envy and disrespect for other people's success, so regardless of what I might or might not learn in that summit, going against my very nature feels like quite the achievement...!
I'm really considering again some kind of political activism. I believe the concept of nation-states as we knew it in the 19th and 20th centuries is obsolete and will be revised in the future, but there must be something I can do to improve the life of my fellow compatriots. Not just their lifes but their... attitudes. Defeatism and pessimism are diseases conveniently exploited to keep things as they "have always been". We live in the age of the post-truth. We've been never so aware of the "death of God", the intrinsic loneliness of the self and the collapse of previous moral imperatives. The age of post-truth will only end with another truth, not a "granted" truth like religion, tradition or ideology, but a consciously chosen truth. We are dying one way or another. We must have some standards. People must learn this. Am I the one to teach them?
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One of the reasons you're playing is to escape from that feeling of depression ("temporary escape"). Family can really help you to get through anything, if they are worth your time, and by the way you talk you want to try. And heck, a kick in your door can be a really good motivator, if anything else fails. You're set. Welcome to the forum!
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Saying Trump is triggering
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I'll probably do a chronicle of my travel when I get all the pictures since I'll probably add some for flavor. Or get shy in the last minute. I have to clean my phone and fix some performance issues, and update my Facebook profile. The third social task, check on my friends this holidays, is already done. Tomorrow begins normal life for the spanish people, and that means normal life for me as well. Nice to be here again!
What I can say right here and now is: I learned so much. It's not a cliché. I'm not a "new" person, just an enhanced me, and that feels even the better. They say all kinds of things about travels. In a way, they are true. But if you read travel blogs you'll see a lot of elaborate-flamboyant-pseudo-romantic language. Such an exaggeration. I might start my own blog, "The cynical traveler", hah. How does it sound?
But really, I can't thank it enough. Thank my mother's life decisions so I could have money to go, thank this community for your endless support, even if I don't usually support back due my inability to schedule, something I've been truly reflecting on during my time away and wish to improve (wishing is not enough!).
Of course thank myself for ultimately taking the leap (considering how worried I was this is no joke, trust me). Thank life, in general, for this opportunity. From all the people in the world I could share this experience, I think you guys are among the very best. I'm glad to be alive, writing these lines.
Speaking about writing, one of my top items in my priority list is write some stuffity stuff for Cam. Now that I'll be having more time alone it's time to start working on it. I also need to take back my normal life from before my travel, something that right now feels overwhelming. But to me everything feels overwhelming by default so I will handle it somehow
. The last six months were amazing, but I made many little mistakes that ultimately create a big problem. Now I know, and you know as well, that I can be something else, something better. So from now on no more excuses will be allowed. I can. If I don't, it's because I don't want. So now it's the time to crush all those petty reasons that hold me back. My word for this year 2017 will be: Definition.
1. "Who am I?" was a question I wasn't able to face a year ago. Now I have a slight idea deep down, showing its little head up my subconscious. By the end of this year I have to grab it by the neck, take it out from the metaphorical ground or shadow and put it on clear display, not so much for everyone else but mainly for me as well. I can't keep doubting my choices. "Never regret" is my motto. That means doing things I find extremely uncomfortable, scary, difficult, risky in one way or another; everything for the sake of getting it done, of having the first-hand experience, of looking back with pride, and, redundantly, never, ever regret. A mistake that comes from a conscious choice, is a mistake well done.
2. What are the things I need to do to improve myself? I know them already, I've discussed them plenty of times. Now it's time to take action. Whenever I feel something must be done, it must be done. Definition. Find the way, go through.
3. No more beating around the bush. I'll try my best to discuss things only once. Adress a problem, find solutions, try them, fail, go back to previous assessment but never start the whole thing anew, that's just procrastination.
I made a list of things to do asap, just to begin, and to be honest I'm stressed out. Some of them should have been done long time ago. Others are silly in nature, so silly that I procrastinate them and make me feel uncomfortable which adds to my stress and the likelihood of procrastinating bigger, more important tasks. This is going to be hard as fuck. It never stoped being. Nevermind.
163 DAYS WITHOUT GAMES.
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Well, hi.
(A gigapost should go here, uh. Anyway for now just the notice that I survived and I'll be around from now on again ^^)
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A bit stacked in my opinion. Could you do them smaller or without the arrow?
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I'm back from London! Here are some insights and lessons learned:
1. Multiculturalism is a bitch. Or rather, it's not the thing people claim it to be. I didn't see many different cultures and races mixing together in harmony. I saw a lot of people only with different skin colours behaving the same way, which was essentially rushing everywhere, pushing people around and working soullessly.
2. To our southern spaniard standards which may or may not be the norm, londoners on average have absolutely no chill. They behave indifferently at best. We were appalled by such unfriendliness but assumed it was due to an urban, modern lifestyle we were not familiar with. I fear it will be the same on every big city around the world.
My town is a small, relatively unpopulated place with moderately low buildings and a majority of elders, were most everyday travel and meetings are done by foot or a few (mainly 2) bus lanes. Basically the complete opposite to London, where for starters there was almost no old people at all.
3. We experienced an awfully cold, humid weather for which we were completely unprepared and people in the streets or in menial jobs (foreigners mostly) were struggling and suffering to the point it was painful to see.
Of course mix those three and you get an horrifying, mind-reeling experience. Living in a big city with no money, no studies, or coming from a poor country with no resources of your own or support from home is brutal. You might find it an exaggeration of an impressionable province boy, many of you grew up seeing this every day and it might not seem like a big deal. And yes, there are far worse things in this world, outside the rich, western sphere. I'm aware of it.
But those things (such as famine and tragedies) are still far outside my everyday reach and real, practical consideration. In this case, this is almost knocking on my door. I could perfectly be one of those immigrants working in London in terrible conditions, like many of my fellow countrymen of my same age. Suddenly I realised my place in the world and the extent of the walls of my glass castle. Shit, I need to study something and get money. And I need it real fast. The sooner the better. I correct: I WILL be one of those immigrants eventually. But I must not fall into the pit of the eternal cicle of temporal, low-paying, endless jobs. I must grab the future by whatever gonads it possess and tread into my life with a sure step. Taking risks, yes. But with confidence.
That means studying some serious shit at some point. Or having a clear as day idea of what I want to do. I've never seen it so clearly. Bear with me guys, we're almost there.
To the day where Hitaru gets his shit together.
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Something funny happened. I was about to write a quite personal story about another finding I made, but decided to purposely withhold the information and deliver it somewhere else. It has to do with my "super-duper-ultra-not-so-secret-project of personal development". A low profile is key for now, much to my dismay. I believe the lack of support of you guys in this particular topic will not disrupt my progress in other areas of my life, so everyone happy.
I will be travelling again quite soon, so probably my next post will be in January. For now, I'll be resting as much as I possibly can. That means some hours. Suddenly the travel doesn't seem so appealing, hah.
See ya!
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I just can't believe how massively POSITIVE was my honest mistake with the blocking software. I was able to finish all my paperwork of past and future travels, took the first steps towards recovering one of my lost hobbies (violin), started translating again, and even went outside to have breakfast more than once. I feel more optimistic and healthy now. This can only lead to good things. I'm absolutely ready in body and mind to undertake my travels now. Bring it on!
Of course, I feel bored all the time, but that's just me being unorganized and it's bound to be fixed at some point.
I'm getting nostalgic now. In less than 3 months I'll be doing three travels, get in 10 planes, set foot in 5 countries in 3 continents (I mean from this October to December). On the 30th of this month it will be a year since I joined here. I don't remember what I was doing on the 23th last year but I can say for sure, I was unhappy, desperate and at my lowest point. My problems are essentially the same as before. I'm still dying someday and I still don't have a certain, specific, absolutely clear life direction. And yet nothing looks the same. It's funny. And embarrasing to my former self. But mostly, it's encouraging. I quit games, I made some friends, I saw places, expanded my vision, and all of that considering I'm essentially the same person, it's astounding. Well, if anything, I am a moderately better version of myself.
I get the impression that life is giving me quarter to prepare and enhance myself towards upcoming heavy challenges and struggle. My grandmother will pass away sooner than later. My mother will get older and I'll need to take care of things. Life will happen. It hasn't been happening in a progressive way up to now. So, as it usually happens, if nothing goes wrong for a long amount of time, if everything seems stagnant... then the moment something starts going wrong, everything will go wrong, like a tide.
And you know what? I'm scared, obviously. Life is scary. But for the first time, I don't feel overwhelmed by it. Because by the time everything begins to change, fall, shift, renew... I will be ready. Because being ready doesn't require to have great means, or money or status... it just requires fierce resolve to adapt and survive, as long as you can, making the most of what you have. And even with my swinging mood and my melancholic nature, even if sometimes I'm not the funniest guy at the party, I will persevere. Somehow, anyhow. Against all odds. I don't know why. I just feel like it. Pride, perhaps.
But hey, here I am!
Aww, I don't want to be so carelessly happy. Planes crash when you leave happy notes behind. So don't get used to it, (my most dear) fuckers. I'll be back in January, and you'll be getting loads and loads of more spaniardness, coarse language and pedantic writing. In some way, I find the travel annoying, now that I was so convinced of taking back the violin. Luckily missing it will give me positive momentum to take it with all my enthusiasm when I'm back. Enthusiasm that will dissolve completely the next day but oh well.
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The answer of all my prayers! Unfortunately I won't be around in December, but please, PLEASE do more (in February would be the next, right?)
I get the feeling this community is going in the right direction, and that's a hell of a statement coming from a certain cynical spaniard...! But seriously, awesome idea, I can't wait to be a part of it.
Great work and the best wishes for those selected! You'll be doing awesome, I'm sure of it. No emojis. I'm in full serious business mode.
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music.
You mean the moment I'm able to actually make music
Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog
in Daily Journals
Posted
Nah man, not yet.
I'm busy with the group to keep posting on a regular basis, but I lurk often and generally speaking, I'm making improvements in my routine. Sometimes. One or two good days, two or three bad days, rinse and repeat. At least now I'm aware of the cycle. I need to develop some strategy to counter it.