Hitaru

Welcome to the forum! Whoa, kudos to your wife, she must be awesome by the way you talk about her. And you seem to love each other deeply. I can only respect and admire that. Having people to rely on and have your back, to challenge and motivate you is really, really important. Since you are an army man, I'm sure you already know what discipline can accomplish even with the most imperfect people. You have the tools and you know the drill sir. 90 days, cold turkey. What we can recommend you is accountability, journaling, and filling the void of games with new engaging activities. We have success stories of people with a family (the most notable the legendary Joe, aka @wookieshark88). See you around!

I KNOW how you feel. I look smart. I mean my face, my face looks like a know a fuckton of stuff. Far from the reality, because of games. It really makes me uncomfortable, specially around knowledgeable friends (and specially about films, because I love the art). I have this constant feeling of being some kind of fraud, even when it's not my fault looking (uhm, and being a bit, ok) nerdy. The best advice I can give you is: LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN. Every random piece of information can serve in a casual conversation. You never know what you can learn next. Become a human radar. When you feel ready, make questions. When someone makes a reference, write it down discreetly, check it out at home later, whatever. Take it easy. You will eventually find out two things: 1. People tend to talk about the same things, so you will be subtly asked to know about some topics more than others. Rocket science can be fascinating, but you will probably be talking more about music... (Your strategy may vary at this point, you can try to be a jack of all trades or be that unusual guy who talks about rocket science. Or a bit of both. It is really an art, human interaction). 2. Many people drop shallow information to look smarter and better informed than their peers. When you put yourself in the world you will begin to REALLY notice this, not just acknowledge it's a thing. You will smell it. You will predict it. It will probably disappoint you and comfort you at the same time, since the expectative of the information you consider you need to know will drop. I can't tell you this enough, take it easy, keep your cool. Learn slowly. Have fun learning, don't take it as a chore (trust me I also know that feeling). And L I S T E N. Best luck! Please keep us updated if you can and want.

Nearing a week in NoFap while at home (my record was 14 days while traveling, 4 days 12 hours at home). I'm really excited about it. It's hard. Real hard. But worth it. I recorded myself for the first time for the intro video of the Lifehack Bootcamp. I had that little thorn in my side since Beyond, and now I can finally say, I did it! A new barrier taken down, woo! I might even come to like seeing my face in the screen... (being hygienic, with my hair cut and beard trimmed helped a lot. See, preparation is key, specially for someone perfectionist like me). I'm in a great mood right now. I'm also taking my studies more seriously. That means more economic investment. That means more fights with my mother. Honestly I feel like I'm robbing her. No, SHE is trying to make me feel like that. My anxiety skyrockets and what can I do? If I can't handle her, how the hell am I supposed to handle a sergeant? But it's not the same, I care about her opinion, even when knowing her opinion amounts to a huge pile of shit, coming from a position of extreme fear and immobility. Talk about fixed mindset, huh, @Cam Adair? Nah, this is not another rant about my mother. I'm... probably maturing. I'm coming to understand I can't put in the same box the mother that loves me and the woman who is scared of the world around her. That's her sin, her monster, I have my own ones. It hurts, but I must take her and her opinion as they are and nothing else, and beyond everything, trust myself. I must allow myself to try, to make mistakes and defend those mistakes in front of everyone. If I try honestly, with heart, then I can keep my head held high. If there's something I've learned during my journey and the real thing you should take from this whole journal is: The only real mistake you can ever make, is inaction.

300 days and a week without videogames. Morning was ok, learned some useful stuff for army tests in class (I'm taking two online classes per week and I'm considering more), then checked on some stuff for the also upcoming Lifehack Bootcamp. Things were looking good but then I grew confident (and bored), mindless browsed YouTube and it went to shit. What a headache I'm having, god damn. It's no joke, it went to levels similar to games in terms of numbing my mind. Severe measures will probably be taken. Again that makes me feel constricted and tyrannical towards myself. Where is all this effort aimed to? What's the point..?

English exam went good! I'm expecting to know the results by June 19th. I've been spending these last two days anxiety-sick and lazy-ing around, but I'm back on track with my sleep after... heck I can't even remember. I'm currently having great positive momentum with NoFap, so I'm happy, even if it comes with almost crippling stress. It's the right path. I met two responsibilities with friends instead of my usual bailing out with an excuse and I feel great about it, more connected to the people I care about (through proactive effort, which is also as important). I still have some things I'm falling behind with, but not all hope is lost. Things may even work somehow.

Happy birthday @Cam Adair! Made some video translations as present, YouTube should be uploading them slowly.

Well, there are circadian rhythms, and each person has their own energy levels (there are more diurnal people and nocturnal people, or there's a certain peak hour in the day, etc). Check those out and keep observing yourself. As a rule of thumb either you start the day at your highest energy levels so you should do the meanest, toughest task of the day asap, or you have a "golden hour" through the day and then you should be keeping a steady path of little victories before reaching that moment to help momentum going upwards. Do I make sense? It happens to me the moment I make a bad but avoidable decision, as you say, everything begins to go down steadily. That's why it's important to have a "morning ritual" (a stablished and practically set in stone routine to start the day at your best). Also whenever you start to feel tired, which is usually after a certain, measurable period of time every day, that's the moment you should take a break to relax and reconnect with yourself. Meditation works for me in this case. Let me know if you find it useful and keep updating on your progress!

@hycniejsy Anxiety, mostly. I try to do other things like meditation but it will take long to implement. English exam tomorrow. News, later. (hm, around June 4th or so) Yesterday I went to the cinema alone for the pleasure of it, and I feel proud of those little gestures of independence. I'm improving my army test scores, but falling behind in physical preparation. I'm quite nervous about it. My shape is really bad (I must say, I feel healthier, but really, really untrained. Just moving around makes me ill from fatigue. 22 years old, shameful).

@hycniejsy Yeah you're totally right, I will probably be really excited about it in the beginning and then it will become a dull affair, and it will be up to me to stay focused and get the best of whatever is thrown at me; not just in the Army but in life in general as well. But wherever there's advancement, there's good in life to be harnessed. Emotionally, I'm restless. Things are going ok, but not enough. There's way more I should be doing, even if my upcoming exam is under control. Specially now that my upcoming exam is under control. Rationally, I recognize that I can't go from zero to hero, but I dunno man, it's the same as always, this half-assedness. Not enough to fail, not enough to succeed. I've been mindless browsing and PMOing a lot, and I mean a lot. I even neglected my SO for the first second time. Not this path man, uh-huh. I must say however, that I use the term fail much more liberally as the term succeed, so the balance is positive. Like 40-60% or so.

@Cam Adair It turns out you were mostly right, I've been doing my homework and not only discovered the english exam is actually much more manageable than I first thought, I ALSO put myself in the path to crush it. Yes! Army Exams? Well that's another story. But I'm also doing my homework towards motivating myself, learning about the different Corps so I can make a smart decision and some good ol' myth-busting. Some folks from inside complain about the Army being actually boring, while at the same time complaining about the relaxed postings being almost impossible to reach due to demand. So far no one complains about night beatings with soap bars wrapped in towels, but they might be just fine with it. So there's no fixed opinion, but this fact: If I want action, and by action I mean crushing my bones under mostly dull, constant drills, then sure, go for an average score. If I want to chill, and by chill I mean lots of hours standing around for the next two years, I must pour my grey matter into that exam. I'll try to go for the best score to give me some edge in my options (higher the score, more postings available) and probably choose an option in between.

Alright. I have my near future basically sorted out. Ophthalmological exam turned out well. What happens next? I have 15 days to prepare English exams, around two months for the driving license and 4 months in total (September is the deadline) to get fit and prepare for the Army Entrance exam. There are several options in how to do this with several cities involved and a huge economical investment. And there's also the issue of my suddenly disappeared friend-landlord. I'm basically screwed because I threw a lot of responsibility on my shoulders. But it should be fine, right?

Third day without mindless browsing and things are going... pretty badly to be honest. On the inside I mean. The death anxiety, the cramps and the nightmares have returned, and I took an ugly ride down the PMO road. I don't want to worry anyone of my close c I don't want to worry my SO, since my mother is a brick when it comes to understanding anything emotionally and the issue is it's way too intimate to discuss it with the majority of my friends. I'm suffering but suffering has almost always been a good signal. I have the impression I'm missing something huge, but I can't put my finger on it.

Despite not being able to do anything else (healthy steady routine and that), I was able to keep a steady flow of job applications, I paid my fees for the english exam and I solved by myself the appointment with the... erm. Eye doctor. (Don't remember the name right now xD). Which was a source of big conflict with my mother. My new tactic with PMO is working and I'm feeling like shit as expected, which is making me do things now and then, which was also expected. Good enough, things considered.

After a painful relapse in PMO and some drama in the other journal, I had a conversation about my struggles with my SO (my current struggles, he already knew about my videogame detox) and surprise! He has a similar issue, since he's also a very anxious person and needs his ways to escape. I now feel even more connected to him. Even the way I kiss him has changed. Is this love, guys...? I'm determined to stand up again no matter how many times I fall.

@Cam Adair Thanks Chief. It's great to be back. Of course it happened. I woke up with all that weight holding me back. But now I identified it. It was excuses. "What are the excuses that keep me from jumping out of bed?" - Well, I discovered at least 3: "What am I going to do for breakfast", "I need to shower" and "I don't have clothes ready". So part of my morning routine will be to have these 3 things ready every morning, which means some of them will need to be ready the night before. That, is preparation, and when chance meets preparation, success happens. I'm happy to report that today's morning cravings were avoided by sheer willpower, and that I'm ready to start this wonderful day. - I took a shower and I wanted to listen to something while I was at it, so I settled for a Stellaris gameplay. I immediately thought it wasn't that good an idea (and slightly triggering) so I took the chance to switch for a Charisma on Command video about handshakes, which was godsend (my handshakes have always been awful) - Applied for my first freelancing jobs. This is so seriously not going to work, my self-esteem is at sea-deep levels. On Monday 8 I can aply for Cambridge CAE C1 exam, note to myself. My confidence in my english skills suddenly dropped hard. I guess I need a break now, but how? - I fucked up. -

OFFICIAL BACK HOME ANNOUNCEMENT Guys, there's so much I need to do. Besides sorting out loads of photos, update social networks and connect with friends, I need to start my freelancing scheme, settle the moving out business with my friend (either positively or negatively) and reorganize my priorities towards being a part-time but constant working GQ translator and student for the Army entrance exams. I'm determined to take this seriously. I'm truly sorry I won't be talking about my travels in detail anytime soon, with so many pressing issues at my still-short reaching hands. But know this; I'm back, I'm motivated, and this shit is going to work!

I must have become sick or fatigued in some way, since today it doesn't seem I'll be able to do much. Thankfully the big bulk of the project is done but it's frustrating to get sick everywhere I go. It's also true I have my emotional struggles in the backstage that leave me exhausted, such as my NoFap fight. Today a week for the first time. Details in the other journal. I love this place. And at the same time I can't wait to return and try to pour the good vibes into something productive. Especially after visiting the refugee camps. My social commitment has been set in stone. I like the double feeling of wanting to stay and wanting to leave. Makes me feel alive. On top of that, I've been super social. Last night I was sit on a table, around people of several countries, sometimes leading the conversation, sometimes listening, sometimes making well-timed jokes. And I thought to myself "This is it. This. I made it to THE TABLE." Normally, it was the corner for me. The side wall, or the stairs. More recently, I would sometimes enter the center, try to get involved, somewhat succeed, get tired (I work as an introvert after all) and put some distance, job acceptably done. But never the table. The table was for that kind of people. The pretty girls. The cool stoners. The chads, in r9k jargon. The skilled, charismatic socialites. I made it to the table, make me knight!

Officially happening. More pics soon.

Quick update: I'm in Greece! We arrived yesterday after some 40 hours of traveling. My mates are fun and the foreigners look interesting... if I can keep up with the names Today we're supposed to begin the real stuff. Looking forward to it. I'll be probably writing in my NoFap journal more since I'm currently battling that and there will be far more emotional shifts than news these days (besides "we did this and that" and I'll tell you about that in detail later). Link is in my signature, but you know that already If you just want the gist, it's being Hell but I have good chances of reaching a week and that fills me with good energy, the very few times I forget about how hellish it is. But being in control feels awesome. I sincerely hope you have a great week, I'll try my best on my part!

@Cam Adair I am really happy to see this is not spam  (we're truly reaching the world!) Also, the first @Tom set the bar high, I wonder where your journey will lead you? Looking forward to it! (sorry for using Eng btw, I just had to say it) See you!

VICTORY! Despite all the procrastination and anxiety, I was able to prepare all the stuff for my imminent next trip. The only thing I regret is my bad temper when I get into "Serious business mode". When something finally makes my snap out of my normal apathy, which is not exactly a frequent happening, it becomes too important to be left alone, unchecked. My perfectionism and sense of duty, once triggered, gets the better of me. I truly need some yoga sometimes, but I guess I could make for a decent sargeant...! I'm starting to become involved in volunteer humanitarian work again. If my Army dream meets a premature end (and it could, I still haven't checked my eyesight), that could become another path for me. I won't let it distract me from my current goals however. At most, I will only do some courses on the side to learn useful skills. I also set up a still precarious freelance scheme to be able to provide for myself. I won't cross my fingers, but it's my best shot for the time being. The feeling of impending doom doesn't fade, but oh please, things are going acceptably fine. Is acceptably fine acceptable enough? Nah. But it's progress.

Review the material from Beyond - it's all still there to support you. Thanks for the suggestion, I will. @Revolutionary Thinker Ah, I went to Algeria. I want to write about how traveling can be a liberating experience during the quitting process (because it is), but I never find the time or the words. But don't give up on me, I will, someday in the middle run! @Shine Magical HAH, see? Oh man so many potential jokes here. Speaking of gay stuff (hooray!)... things... happened between me and my SO. Funny, considering how I had already accepted to take our relationship really slow in that field. Guess I underestimated his determination to make things work in our relationship. It was a pleasant surprise. Heh. Pleasant. Ahem. Still a bit dopey and silly, sorry. Discoveries! Love and happiness! Way to go for my 300th post! But of course anxiety settled in. Life's still a hard thing to cope with. I'm kinda procrastinating right now, writing this. The more "normal" I become, the less reason I have to stay at home all day, musing and with all these dark clouds of existential depression looming over my head. And of course the less reason I have, the more it tries to cling to me to avoid being removed. It's a fucking disease, that's what it is. However, I feel I now have much more weapons to fight and am far less hopeless than, say, a year ago. My family finances are currently a mess, I sincerely don't know how am I going to pay for my tuition and assorted activities. I'm positively scared and don't know any way to consider it in a more positive light. Real world problems, huh.

Man, after following this story for almost a year, I think we should totally rally and go to this guys wedding just for the hell of it. Absolutely not joking, if I find a cheap flight I'd go. Canada, right?

I feel you sir, my family history is the same but with genders changed (dad alcoholic, mom workaholic), no drugs, no siblings and lots of passive-agressive doting (my mother would pay for every activity I fancied after making me feel terrible about it, then I would drop it after the curiosity/new thing hype and a lot of passive-agressive flak would ensue, to this day still). In our case, there was no project (though my mother tried to keep my father around as long as possible for the sake of me "having a family"). She had always a huge dysthymic streak (shared with me, "From the tree comes the bark", was it?) and really needy of affection, tried to settle with the asshole of the week (namely my father) and of course was a disaster in the long run. Seriously people, sunk cost fallacy, keep it always in mind. Oh boy, I sometimes wonder how I ended up here, odds being so low. Makes you think about life purpose, you know? Yeah, I'm sure you do. In my experience (both personal and from what I've seen in many others), parents tend to react very passively to problems, as norm. May be a generational thing, but consider that previous generations of parents dealt with problems with a literal stick (and some still do) so we can be thankful of the nagging in some way. I know, "Could be worse" argument is not really an argument, but I still think we should give it some thought. Secondly, parents act both as an echo chamber and magnifier. For instance, if your parents (I'm using second person impersonally here, as in "someone") are really involved with your detox, you will notice how they apparently take much worse a relapse than you (or try to play it down if they see you're having a bad time, which ironically can also be annoying). In the end I think that's just a mix of ignorance and mild desperation. They want to reach out but don't know how. Duh, opening up and being vulnerable with you on a one-on-one real dialogue, yes, but they are in this mindset/social role of "strongman", providers, protectors. Showing vulnerability and raw honesty would be approaching as an equal and "Parents ain't no equals to children". And also there's the feeling of distrust, scorn and defensiveness of the addict. It's hard to come back with a smile when you're told to scram several times and the best of your intentions. There are many kinds of parents but those are some common issues I've observed.

I know right? But I don't know man, I can't even get a steady routine going. Things went to shit after Beyond, it was such a dissapointment with myself. And the Squad (even if it would be a bit of a crutch, considering my situation and reactions) is still a bit too far on the expensive side (It's not that expensive, especially for US standards, I'm just broke). To handle my economic issues (issues being start generating income, basically) I'll need to be strong of mind and focused and... shit. On the other hand, I realized just how dependent I am in all aspects, so I need to get away from my mother, asap. It just gotta happen. Life's laws as well, it has to happen eventually anyway.