Hitaru

Alright. I have my near future basically sorted out. Ophthalmological exam turned out well. What happens next? I have 15 days to prepare English exams, around two months for the driving license and 4 months in total (September is the deadline) to get fit and prepare for the Army Entrance exam. There are several options in how to do this with several cities involved and a huge economical investment. And there's also the issue of my suddenly disappeared friend-landlord. I'm basically screwed because I threw a lot of responsibility on my shoulders. But it should be fine, right?

Third day without mindless browsing and things are going... pretty badly to be honest. On the inside I mean. The death anxiety, the cramps and the nightmares have returned, and I took an ugly ride down the PMO road. I don't want to worry anyone of my close c I don't want to worry my SO, since my mother is a brick when it comes to understanding anything emotionally and the issue is it's way too intimate to discuss it with the majority of my friends. I'm suffering but suffering has almost always been a good signal. I have the impression I'm missing something huge, but I can't put my finger on it.

Despite not being able to do anything else (healthy steady routine and that), I was able to keep a steady flow of job applications, I paid my fees for the english exam and I solved by myself the appointment with the... erm. Eye doctor. (Don't remember the name right now xD). Which was a source of big conflict with my mother. My new tactic with PMO is working and I'm feeling like shit as expected, which is making me do things now and then, which was also expected. Good enough, things considered.

After a painful relapse in PMO and some drama in the other journal, I had a conversation about my struggles with my SO (my current struggles, he already knew about my videogame detox) and surprise! He has a similar issue, since he's also a very anxious person and needs his ways to escape. I now feel even more connected to him. Even the way I kiss him has changed. Is this love, guys...? I'm determined to stand up again no matter how many times I fall.

@Cam Adair Thanks Chief. It's great to be back. Of course it happened. I woke up with all that weight holding me back. But now I identified it. It was excuses. "What are the excuses that keep me from jumping out of bed?" - Well, I discovered at least 3: "What am I going to do for breakfast", "I need to shower" and "I don't have clothes ready". So part of my morning routine will be to have these 3 things ready every morning, which means some of them will need to be ready the night before. That, is preparation, and when chance meets preparation, success happens. I'm happy to report that today's morning cravings were avoided by sheer willpower, and that I'm ready to start this wonderful day. - I took a shower and I wanted to listen to something while I was at it, so I settled for a Stellaris gameplay. I immediately thought it wasn't that good an idea (and slightly triggering) so I took the chance to switch for a Charisma on Command video about handshakes, which was godsend (my handshakes have always been awful) - Applied for my first freelancing jobs. This is so seriously not going to work, my self-esteem is at sea-deep levels. On Monday 8 I can aply for Cambridge CAE C1 exam, note to myself. My confidence in my english skills suddenly dropped hard. I guess I need a break now, but how? - I fucked up. -

OFFICIAL BACK HOME ANNOUNCEMENT Guys, there's so much I need to do. Besides sorting out loads of photos, update social networks and connect with friends, I need to start my freelancing scheme, settle the moving out business with my friend (either positively or negatively) and reorganize my priorities towards being a part-time but constant working GQ translator and student for the Army entrance exams. I'm determined to take this seriously. I'm truly sorry I won't be talking about my travels in detail anytime soon, with so many pressing issues at my still-short reaching hands. But know this; I'm back, I'm motivated, and this shit is going to work!

I must have become sick or fatigued in some way, since today it doesn't seem I'll be able to do much. Thankfully the big bulk of the project is done but it's frustrating to get sick everywhere I go. It's also true I have my emotional struggles in the backstage that leave me exhausted, such as my NoFap fight. Today a week for the first time. Details in the other journal. I love this place. And at the same time I can't wait to return and try to pour the good vibes into something productive. Especially after visiting the refugee camps. My social commitment has been set in stone. I like the double feeling of wanting to stay and wanting to leave. Makes me feel alive. On top of that, I've been super social. Last night I was sit on a table, around people of several countries, sometimes leading the conversation, sometimes listening, sometimes making well-timed jokes. And I thought to myself "This is it. This. I made it to THE TABLE." Normally, it was the corner for me. The side wall, or the stairs. More recently, I would sometimes enter the center, try to get involved, somewhat succeed, get tired (I work as an introvert after all) and put some distance, job acceptably done. But never the table. The table was for that kind of people. The pretty girls. The cool stoners. The chads, in r9k jargon. The skilled, charismatic socialites. I made it to the table, make me knight!

Officially happening. More pics soon.

Quick update: I'm in Greece! We arrived yesterday after some 40 hours of traveling. My mates are fun and the foreigners look interesting... if I can keep up with the names Today we're supposed to begin the real stuff. Looking forward to it. I'll be probably writing in my NoFap journal more since I'm currently battling that and there will be far more emotional shifts than news these days (besides "we did this and that" and I'll tell you about that in detail later). Link is in my signature, but you know that already If you just want the gist, it's being Hell but I have good chances of reaching a week and that fills me with good energy, the very few times I forget about how hellish it is. But being in control feels awesome. I sincerely hope you have a great week, I'll try my best on my part!

@Cam Adair I am really happy to see this is not spam  (we're truly reaching the world!) Also, the first @Tom set the bar high, I wonder where your journey will lead you? Looking forward to it! (sorry for using Eng btw, I just had to say it) See you!

VICTORY! Despite all the procrastination and anxiety, I was able to prepare all the stuff for my imminent next trip. The only thing I regret is my bad temper when I get into "Serious business mode". When something finally makes my snap out of my normal apathy, which is not exactly a frequent happening, it becomes too important to be left alone, unchecked. My perfectionism and sense of duty, once triggered, gets the better of me. I truly need some yoga sometimes, but I guess I could make for a decent sargeant...! I'm starting to become involved in volunteer humanitarian work again. If my Army dream meets a premature end (and it could, I still haven't checked my eyesight), that could become another path for me. I won't let it distract me from my current goals however. At most, I will only do some courses on the side to learn useful skills. I also set up a still precarious freelance scheme to be able to provide for myself. I won't cross my fingers, but it's my best shot for the time being. The feeling of impending doom doesn't fade, but oh please, things are going acceptably fine. Is acceptably fine acceptable enough? Nah. But it's progress.

Review the material from Beyond - it's all still there to support you. Thanks for the suggestion, I will. @Revolutionary Thinker Ah, I went to Algeria. I want to write about how traveling can be a liberating experience during the quitting process (because it is), but I never find the time or the words. But don't give up on me, I will, someday in the middle run! @Shine Magical HAH, see? Oh man so many potential jokes here. Speaking of gay stuff (hooray!)... things... happened between me and my SO. Funny, considering how I had already accepted to take our relationship really slow in that field. Guess I underestimated his determination to make things work in our relationship. It was a pleasant surprise. Heh. Pleasant. Ahem. Still a bit dopey and silly, sorry. Discoveries! Love and happiness! Way to go for my 300th post! But of course anxiety settled in. Life's still a hard thing to cope with. I'm kinda procrastinating right now, writing this. The more "normal" I become, the less reason I have to stay at home all day, musing and with all these dark clouds of existential depression looming over my head. And of course the less reason I have, the more it tries to cling to me to avoid being removed. It's a fucking disease, that's what it is. However, I feel I now have much more weapons to fight and am far less hopeless than, say, a year ago. My family finances are currently a mess, I sincerely don't know how am I going to pay for my tuition and assorted activities. I'm positively scared and don't know any way to consider it in a more positive light. Real world problems, huh.

Man, after following this story for almost a year, I think we should totally rally and go to this guys wedding just for the hell of it. Absolutely not joking, if I find a cheap flight I'd go. Canada, right?

I feel you sir, my family history is the same but with genders changed (dad alcoholic, mom workaholic), no drugs, no siblings and lots of passive-agressive doting (my mother would pay for every activity I fancied after making me feel terrible about it, then I would drop it after the curiosity/new thing hype and a lot of passive-agressive flak would ensue, to this day still). In our case, there was no project (though my mother tried to keep my father around as long as possible for the sake of me "having a family"). She had always a huge dysthymic streak (shared with me, "From the tree comes the bark", was it?) and really needy of affection, tried to settle with the asshole of the week (namely my father) and of course was a disaster in the long run. Seriously people, sunk cost fallacy, keep it always in mind. Oh boy, I sometimes wonder how I ended up here, odds being so low. Makes you think about life purpose, you know? Yeah, I'm sure you do. In my experience (both personal and from what I've seen in many others), parents tend to react very passively to problems, as norm. May be a generational thing, but consider that previous generations of parents dealt with problems with a literal stick (and some still do) so we can be thankful of the nagging in some way. I know, "Could be worse" argument is not really an argument, but I still think we should give it some thought. Secondly, parents act both as an echo chamber and magnifier. For instance, if your parents (I'm using second person impersonally here, as in "someone") are really involved with your detox, you will notice how they apparently take much worse a relapse than you (or try to play it down if they see you're having a bad time, which ironically can also be annoying). In the end I think that's just a mix of ignorance and mild desperation. They want to reach out but don't know how. Duh, opening up and being vulnerable with you on a one-on-one real dialogue, yes, but they are in this mindset/social role of "strongman", providers, protectors. Showing vulnerability and raw honesty would be approaching as an equal and "Parents ain't no equals to children". And also there's the feeling of distrust, scorn and defensiveness of the addict. It's hard to come back with a smile when you're told to scram several times and the best of your intentions. There are many kinds of parents but those are some common issues I've observed.

I know right? But I don't know man, I can't even get a steady routine going. Things went to shit after Beyond, it was such a dissapointment with myself. And the Squad (even if it would be a bit of a crutch, considering my situation and reactions) is still a bit too far on the expensive side (It's not that expensive, especially for US standards, I'm just broke). To handle my economic issues (issues being start generating income, basically) I'll need to be strong of mind and focused and... shit. On the other hand, I realized just how dependent I am in all aspects, so I need to get away from my mother, asap. It just gotta happen. Life's laws as well, it has to happen eventually anyway.

@Revolutionary Thinker Gonna need more specificness to be able to answer your question fam. What are you talking about exactly? ------- Regular news, I participated in a Holy Week parade, with meh results (I was given a heavy banner to carry and since I'm still in terrible shape it was a bit awkward, but at least no one knew it was me, thanks KKK costumes!). Spanishness intensifying! Good news: Moving from home project approved! Starting on May. So excited! Bad news: There are a fuck ton of problems that come with that, including financial ones. It will be an all or nothing sort of thing, but instead of a two week or month sprint, we're talking about at least 4 months. I've never kept my emotional resilience for that long. BETTER NEWS: Nothing like a rash decision to put me into motion, and what better than another short travel to learn about the current hottest european issue. Next stop, greek islands. I'll be spending some time there in one of those european financed projects, the time between agreeing with my friend and actually moving with him. I hope it will give me the strenght to put me into motion again. Let's go!

Just some hours left. I'm ready to be not ready, regardless of what happens in the end. Today was completely wasted, sleeping and spending last night with my vices. I'm scared to the possibility of not being ready to fix my habits and thus letting down my friend. On the other hand, writing down my fears in this journal is an indirect substitute of telling him directly. After all, he knows of this place. I won't dissapoint you again, P. I found something I was really looking forward to read finally translated into English. I'm leaving it here and most probably I'll do a thread about it. Just in case the link goes down, the name is "The Private Report on My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness" , by Kabi Nagata. https://dynasty-scans.com/series/the_private_report_on_my_lesbian_experience_with_loneliness It's so crushingly relatable, I can barely cope with it. I might collapse under the pressure of all this massive realization, on top of the pressure of future developings. Ahh, I feel like dying, in a pleasurable psychologically masochistic way. But, as I'm now discovering, it's a fairly common sensation. I used to (and implicitly being taught to) laugh derisively at japanese awkwardness, being an oh-so-social southern european. I am truly sorry. The social pressures we're subject to are not so diferent after all, with only subtle differences in work and family ethics. To show my point, I'm just leaving this here. I might start to come back to this book a lot in the future:

Good to see you again, friend! Still waiting for that list of suggested recipes we discussed a year ago, just saying As both a consummate relapser in my addictions and sickly mofo, I sympathize with you man. Take it easy, but be never complacent. One step at a time! You know already, but we have your back. Stay strong!

Please include the ISO code of the main language you'll be using in your journal, following this format: ------ [ISO Code] + Name of your journal Eg. [PL] 1UP - Time to level up ------ So I don't have to edit myself (which would be harmless but a bit invasive, don't you think? ) For reference: LANGUAGECODEAbkhazianABAfarAAAfrikaansAFAlbanianSQAmharicAMArabicARArmenianHYAssameseASAymaraAYAzerbaijaniAZBashkirBABasqueEUBengali, BanglaBNBhutaniDZBihariBHBislamaBIBretonBRBulgarianBGBurmeseMYByelorussianBECambodianKMCatalanCAChineseZHCorsicanCOCroatianHRCzechCSDanishDADutchNLEnglish, AmericanENEsperantoEOEstonianETFaeroeseFOFijiFJFinnishFIFrenchFRFrisianFYGaelic (Scots Gaelic)GDGalicianGLGeorgianKAGermanDEGreekELGreenlandicKLGuaraniGNGujaratiGUHausaHAHebrewIWHindiHIHungarianHUIcelandicISIndonesianINInterlinguaIAInterlingueIEInupiakIKIrishGAItalianITJapaneseJAJavaneseJWKannadaKNKashmiriKSKazakhKKKinyarwandaRWKirghizKYKirundiRNKoreanKOKurdishKULaothianLOLatinLALatvian, LettishLVLingalaLNLithuanianLTMacedonianMKMalagasyMGMalayMSMalayalamMLMalteseMTMaoriMIMarathiMRMoldavianMOMongolianMNNauruNANepaliNENorwegianNOOccitanOCOriyaOROromo, AfanOMPashto, PushtoPSPersianFAPolishPLPortuguesePTPunjabiPAQuechuaQURhaeto-RomanceRMRomanianRORussianRUSamoanSMSangroSGSanskritSASerbianSRSerbo-CroatianSHSesothoSTSetswanaTNShonaSNSindhiSDSinghaleseSISiswatiSSSlovakSKSlovenianSLSomaliSOSpanishESSudaneseSUSwahiliSWSwedishSVTagalogTLTajikTGTamilTATatarTTTeguluTEThaiTHTibetanBOTigrinyaTITongaTOTsongaTSTurkishTRTurkmenTKTwiTWUkrainianUKUrduURUzbekUZVietnameseVIVolapukVOWelshCYWolofWOXhosaXHYiddishJIYorubaYOZuluZU(Source: https://www.sitepoint.com/web-foundations/iso-2-letter-language-codes/) If your language doesn't appear in this list, or the information provided is incorrect, don't hesitate to say. Happy journaling!

"Faith", I used that same word when I first arrived here a year and a half ago. Not necessarily in a deity, but at least an abstract concept of hope in the future and your ability to cope with it the right way. Treasure that feeling, it's very human and usually the first, last and most trusty light in the darkness. That deep connection you share with your gaming friends, as you say, mostly comes from being both like-minded and in a similar situation. That's how friends are made IRL as well: similar context (proximity) and similar values (feelings, issues going on, etc.) all glued by empathy. You kept a level of playing the casual gamer wouldn't usually follow, so your best choice for making long-term connections was other hardcore gamers, people on your same level. You could relate with them. Now, you arrived to another context, a forum, full of people with similar values (trying to quit as well) so you have a new chance of making new, and if you don't mind me saying, healthier connections and friends. (Healthier) in habits and spirit. People whom you will relate with and will serve as source of inspiration, hopefully. I'm not saying you should just say "Fuck off" to your online friends or that people here is morally superior. But you're not inherently responsible for anyone, the same as no one is responsible for living your life (cliché and "parental" as that sounds, I'm aware ). In my experience, the best thing you can do for your friends is lead by example of your actions. Words can come across as accusations and patronizing, and gamers (with an addiction or dependence to gaming) are usually in a position of vulnerability and defensiveness. Think of a mother telling his children to stop playing and do something else with their time, sounds familiar? The first days are going to be a hell of a ride, expect the worst from your brain, tricks and blackmail. Keep strong, mindful of your emotional state, take it easy and if you can, have fun. It's your life, you're allowed to have fun. Especially when you're in the right path, the path of choosing for yourself. Be welcome!

Remember my game dev friend? (check mid-journal for reference, around last year same time) We met again, reconciled and he brought news. Apparently shit is going to hit the fan in his home on Monday, and he's going to leave for good and start living in an apartment inherited by his late father, may he rest in peace. He asked me to be his homie in exchange of a friend-rate rent. Honestly, putting aside helping him in a moment of need, it's a great opportunity. Leaving home but still 10-15 minutes apart, with someone I consider my brother, a driven and motivated individual (even more than last year) and coincidentally very near of where my SO lives. It's almost too good to believe. I could escape my house, the dreaded comfort zone and the procrastination. He knows his way around with computers so he could keep me in check with blocks and cutting my internet, and I could work in peace on my projects without fear of criticism. We even discussed ways to improve Game Quitters! Too good to believe. What should I do? Things will reach critical mass in two days, and I don't think my mother (the current provider and investor of this venture should it happen) would approve. Probably she couldn't afford it even if she does, some math will be required to find out. I could of course look for a job with no skills in the region of most unemployment of Europe. And there's also the matter of our conflicting views towards videogame usage, though I'm much more resilient to cravings and absolutely convinced in my decision to quit. We could have a fight and I'd have to return mom's place, defeated and embarrased. On the other hand, I'm more motivated, far less depressed and desperate, and with my social network stablished, I would be far less dependent on him. It could turn out to be a perfect arrangement, and if I pass my AF entrance exams, it would be far less than permanent. Things look difficult and grim for both of us. Isn't it great!?

During these six days, the rollercoaster went down and up again. I had a huge crisis of the likes I used to have a year ago but it was saved with the help of my SO. That moment of weakness and dependence doesn't make me happy or proud in the slightest, but I thank him and the Universe for putting him in my life anyway. The current lows are related to my pmo addiction. I feel frustrated as all this addiction fighting feels sometimes as setbacks for putting my life on track, but on the other hand they are necessary. It will make me a better being, I must keep reminding myself. About said SO, I still feel I'm spiralling into a heavy commitment I'm not ready for. On the other hand, why not just relax and enjoy the moment? It's key for an assertive mindset to be able to express myself at any given moment. If this uneasiness persist I should be able to tell him and stop seeing each other, if it comes to that. My insecurities towards him are also really shalllow, objectively speaking. I have now 5 months to prepare myself to the challenge of joining the armed forces. Will I be able to make it? Honsetly, no. But I will still try anyway. I'm still a mess right now and I lost the habit and momentum of journaling, but I will fix that as well soon. Good news: I currently have a healthy and stablished social life (besides SO) and it's been 252 days without games.

@Marquess Whoa man, you can't even begin to guess how anxious that thought, the possibility of falling into yet another codependency, makes me feel. I've been stressing myself over it again and again; every little detail adds to the sum. I'll give you the latest example: I spent yesterday with him after a surprise visit the night before to cheer him up (he has a problem managing anxiety and indecisiveness and life has recently put him in a crossroads). We crashed his home with his parents sleeping, cuddled and slept together, and then spent the next day (yesterday) in a really lovey-dovey standard fashion. It left me satisfied but emotionally exhausted. It seems emotional exhaustion it's a thing even for positive emotions, I didn't know. I neglected my responsibilities and he confessed me The mix of putting aside my stuff and potential infatuation on his part made me panic. I don't want to commit, but I don't have any reason, rational or emotional, to fight the flow. The guy is nice, I like him, he likes me and we care for each other. What am I getting so upset about? Beyond ended, and I have a new resolve to keep my stuff going, specially with this newfound emotional support. An improvised flash piece of erotic prose I wrote for a contest was chosen to be published among others. My name in a book for the first time, woo! Guess I found proper inspiration for once...?

Somewhat, sometimes. ------------ "I lost all my momentum", it's a phrase I'm sick of saying. I relapsed on NoFap, I'm slacking in my commitment to the Beyond group when I was most illusioned and motivated, I've been failing on my habits and eating poorly, no one in my closest circles will support my decision to try the military and I've been feeling lost and alone for the most part. I also entered a relationship with a man. Wait, what? Yeah... somehow, some complete idiot I met while doing a test run on Tinder decided that I was charming to his eyes and I had no choice but reciprocate; very intensely. It wasn't something planned in any sort, and "burdening" myself with a serious relationship was certainly not in my short-term goal list. But I was feeling lonely nonetheless so I downloaded said application everyone was talking about and gave it some swipes, for science and whatever else might develop, expecting some cordial fling or, much more probably, nothing at all. A failed 150 km radius search for women was about to confirm my suspicions until, after a whole week, embarrassed but hurt in my ego, I decided to take the leap and try the men's section. My hometown being a bit isolated, 20 km. would do. Of course it blew my mind. Matches were raining down on me and I was completely overwhelmed. Believe me, I didn't swipe right more than 10 people and got 7 matches, all really interesting people (at first glance at least), and all my preconceptions about myself suddenly shattered. I was so used, all of my short life, to get kicked, patronized, and being considered a plain weirdo by the generality of the female gender. Always taking things for granted and treating people as if they were sparing lives or giving audiences in a throne room. Here, they won't even fill out their profiles. And they all looked the same. With men, I didn't have any kind of experience, no one ever hit on me, but again I was also told that I didn't give out the "vibes" or did publicize my liking for them broadly, so that was to be expected. I was simply busy trying to be friends with anyone in my ultimate very own DIY asexual experience. Too straight for guys, too homo or "unmanly" for girls, and a bit weird to boot. Or so I thought. Once I dared to put on myself a big rainbow signal, figuratively, everything changed. And amidst all this confusion, I met him. I will spare you the more sugary details but we connected immediately. It's funny. He's been what I would call much more successful than me, having finished a really hard career and leading a straightforward life so far, and yet we seem to share some elemental fears on what to expect next. And a shared fear of intimacy as well. Whatever worry I have, he understands perfectly and has always the right, most loving and supportive answer. And whatever problem he might be facing, I somehow happen to know the ideal reaction, don't even ask me how I manage to pull off such empathy. With him, it just works. With him, I'm not a mere robot, and that's much more than I could ever say about myself. So of course, I had to go an fall for said idiot since he almost seems blessed with an unnatural knowledge of my inner workings and what makes me tick emotionally when the time calls for it. So, I'm young, healthy, studying (sometimes -_-) and in love. And of course, it's happening. The more I'm getting closer to having a normal life, the more resistance my body is putting. Despair can't work without hope. All this improvement is but a slim speck of hope necessary in order to smite me, utterly and definitely. That's what some that twisted part of me wants to think. But I will have the last laugh, oh yes. Despair and pride are an explosive combination.

In my personal experience, keeping this assumption as a constant in your life is an exaggeration (as you're also realizing), but in the times that it will actually apply, even if much, much fewer than (we) tend to believe, what's the point in being paralyzed with worry and fear? The best you can do is keep your boundaries flexible, but strong in your red flags. Be open to know people and connect with them, but don't allow yourself to be vulnerable with someone whom you have realistic, specific reasons to distrust. It's both a science and art, we're all trying to learn the perfect balance in some way or another. You know I'm not a big fan of white coats too, and yes some things in the therapeutic protocols may seem childish or pointless. As a broad process trying to cater to a broad spectrum of people, the implicit idea is for you to take whatever you find useful for yourself, filter your own tools for recovery and growth. It can be a real pain, but all things considered I believe you're in the right place. Stay safe and take it easy, you're doing awesome man.