Hitaru

It was decent, actually! I just don't want to mess up, so many things to do still... It was! Every comment means the world to me. I'm just so grumpy in the outside all the time because I'm frustrated about my apparent life lag due my past addiction and current flaws of character. Not an excuse. That's another flaw of character...

The economic barrier is a great tool in your recovery. I got used to pay for Steam games to feel the thrill of being legal and earning achievements, and when I quit for the last time I messed up my account so I couldn't return to my library. I haven't had serious cravings for those, since I'm aware I'd have to pay for them again if I wanted to play at the same level. Mindless browsing is also a thing to be concerned. YouTube search engine is used to your previous gamer life so of course it's going to recommend you gaming related videos (it already does on average since they are so popular). As you've seen, one video can lead to the next and then to 10 and then a relapse. What actions can you take to avoid that? Cravings will happen to you (I'm more than a year without games and I just had a craving for a game I used to play for free), so don't be scared too much about them. What matters is your conscious choice, and you chose the right thing, put some distance, get distracted with something else and let the thought go away by itself. Great job!

Situation with boyfriend has been fixed peacefully and it's been two days of giving my mother cold shoulder. I've been eating more, cooking by myself and even taken up studies again. The situation is far from being idyllic however. My grandmother praised my cooking skills and I fear some cataclysmic even may happen soon. My mother was so secretly jealous she couldn't help exiting the living room without saying a word. No wonder, knowing my grandma's usual character.

I could still journal about good things... I mean, I'll just tone down drastically the level of woe-ing. OH BOY DON'T DO THAT TO YOURSELF DON'T READ NOOOOOO What do you know, there are no homeless people in Denmark. And soon no change too, or so I read somewhere.

Unfortunately, no refunds allowed @giblets. It was a scam with all the letters. It wasn't my card, so I can't talk my mother into speaking with the bank, she neglects money on purpose. Actually, I won't be talking with my mother at all. Thank you for the encouragement, you and @BigPete247. Speaking of encouragement. My boyfriend is suddenly disappointed in me. He had a bad day at the same time than I and since I was trying not to dump my shit on him I tried my best to actually not speak with him at all, because I KNEW I'd end dumping my shit on him. Since he's a normal, balanced person he barely needs real encouragement except today. And I wasn't there, so he wrote me complaining in the most polite form he could think of. Don't "I don't want you to take this the wrong way" me, A. One, I am going to take it the wrongest way possible since it's me after all and Two, you were pissed at me because I know you have a really strong temperament behind all the fluff. Then he cited the legendary "lack of empathy". I unironically considered suicide. I am a burden, with nothing and nowhere to work, and always taxing everyone of their positive energy. Starting with YOU, people who read this and care about me. I go to your journals 1/100 times you come to mine. "The way you do one thing is the way you do everything". If so, considering the way I do the thing I do the worst, suicide or rather disappearing completely would be a sensible solution. If I had anywhere to go. See? Again at it. I complain, you answer, I get feedback, I complain again. No more. I won't ever complain again. I will limit myself to say "Bad day/moment/timing". Enough.

Hola Francisco, bienvenido al foro, y buen trabajo por esos 4 días! The first thing you should do is think about what goals are you trying to achieve. Is there something you want to do that you've been putting aside because of videogames? Any hobbies you want to take on? Studies, work? Also, knowing English is amazing, it will open you a lot of doors.

Didn't watch them yet! (but I will, I promise) Today I was conned 166 euro in probably fake concert tickets and there was a short but strong fight at home. My mother showed me the website, I did the transaction without double-checking her online stupidity and apparently it's my fault, won't give me money ever again, etc. I completely lost it and started screaming at her while she taunted me. It's not me who paid thousands of euros in fucking garbage, ugly as fuck furniture that can't be touched or used in any way, because my life is empty of purpose. It's not me who plays offended when I ask for money to invest in myself but would instead give me 50 euros to party in a heartbeat. It's not me who doesn't have real friends and it's going to die alone and regretful. Way to go Hitaru, again bitching about your mother, isn't that like so fucking old or something? No, please, I need to know. Why, why do I keep this toxic relationship going on? Why do I keep having this big ass stealth contract of expecting her to actually not being a victimist, hypocrite, self-centered bitch? Why do I keep thinking that parents must be loved because they are parents even when they are not good for you? But who taught me that? Them! It's a self-preservation tactic. It's a fucking self-preservation tactic based on guilt, and I bought all the fucking scheme. I'm only here because I don't have anyone else to latch onto, but she, she perpetuates that. She made me like this, and now I have to fix it. So no ****, start accepting already. You are going to die and you are alone. And you are going to fight for yourself because in the end, all that your mother cares about is her ego, in its many forms: job, money, furniture, a sparkling clean house and all the stereotypical things that make a worthless life. There's the habit. I know it. It's just a habit. Not finding a job? Habit. Giving up? Habit. Pretending to have a normal relationship with your mother? Habit. It's my mother or my life. When my mother dies, I will regret every single second I invested in her and not in my life. She wouldn't do the same thing for me. Not a single second more. Starting from now, silence treatment. No more asking for money. No more expecting to be fed and taken care of. I'm destitute. That should give me the proper motivation once and for all.

I don't know how to surf D: Edit: But Portugal is cool

I can relate...people came and went in my life without even hearing their stories, at first I tried to lean on my family to comfort me and say it's ok, but tough love always prevails over logic. I realized my parents were right, some just don't have time for it. True, but in this case it's more their reluctance to worry others and look bad, so they keep a stiff upper lip. I'm learning to do that too. The majority of times complaining doesn't lead to anything. There's no need to be shoving my perpetual metaphysical doubts into everyone's throats all the time. That also applies to journals. I'm getting the impression my entries are going to be dramatically reduced in size.

Which article? (Think you forgot to link).

Back into the fray. Yesterday and today were social days, and I expect tomorrow to be similar. It's a great way of disconnecting from home and think from a non-desperate position. Loads of sad stories. People around me have it tough, tougher than I believed. I "knew" it, you understand? I rationally comprehended they were struggling. But I didn't feel, act, live accordingly to that reality. The same introspections, insecurities, fears. Worse, illnesses and death involved, something I don't have to face yet. So yes, tougher. Makes me think. Not as an idiom. I truly felt something changed this weekend, witnessing a constant succession of my loved ones showing themselves vulnerable instead the usual other way around. I'll save you the drama.

A fine day I could say. I spent the whole day studying content from that Location Rebel thing. Risked an economic investment into it. Still not conclusive. My gut feeling is I'll be repeating this same day two or three times until I reach an acceptable understanding of the gig. Of course had to shout a bit to get the money. That's another motivation to get some kind of scheme rolling, ANYTHING that will set things into motion. I don't want to ever have to justify myself in front of others. Ever.

Someone hasn't been checking the testimonials! I wrote Chief Cam in response of his last mail about goals, and it mainly looked like this: "I really want to travel and earn money (to keep traveling) at the same time, and then travel, study and earn money at the same time. Yeah, but, I don't know how to earn money." He recommended me something called Location Rebel. Click click. Again the woo-woo spiel about life-changing miracles. Well, the same happened with Lifehack Bootcamp and in the end it was a really pleasant experience despite myself and my self-sabotage. Probably it's just because americans coming from the business environment like Demir or this guy have this cold, too rehearsed sales pitch style. Not their fault, it comes with the job. In Spain we have a saying about that but I don't know how to put in English. You know what I mean. Like nonchalant sarcasm to doctors. I don't know a thing about these people or their program yet, but I can say it's 3:30 AM here and my hands are shaking from anticipation, which is something my current goal hasn't achieved it in months. Yes novelty and escape. We'll see in some hours. It won't be too distractful if it doesn't work. It's not like I've been doing anything at all lately.

Thanks @Vlad, I'll check it out when I have the strength to do it, in all honesty. That day will be tomorrow for sure, today I was feeling a bit better. Not better enough tho. Forward to the Past. It feels like 2015 all over again. I won't get out of this cycle, this is a nightmare. Hit bottom - Desperate comeback - Nihilistic survival - Misdirected success - Self-sabotage - Breakdown - Hit bottom. Happened in 2016, happened in 2015, happened every year. It's not getting better. It's just getting a slightly different flavor every time. I will keep failing since I seem to not have understood. I don't get it. Why does failure show so evidently in me? If other doesn't do right they end in a boring life with a boring spouse in a boring rented apartment. Nothing about not eating, colics, panic attacks and utter disgrace. Why me in particular? Why do I even care about that? I was afraid and ashamed to say but I guess I have to start assuming it, I am in "Give up" stage right now. Right now, the current situation is that I've gave up. When I give up, nothing happens. I get fed, taken care of. My mother is nicer to me. I seem to return to a previous state. A previous age. Like going to the past. Like cheating time. But that's not a real thing. I seem to keep going back because I can't handle the present. I've been unable to handle the present since I was aware of it. At some point in the past, I must had obviously given up on myself and set me up for failure. I guess I'll have to do that travel, no matter how ridiculously late it feels. Exert some radical self-acceptance. Cut the chains. Eliminate all assumptions and expectations of image and stillness. I now realize, there was a point in my life where I was told that being me was crazy, and I didn't want that. But I can't be nothing else than me, and that's scary. (Do I have to pull a Hobe? Is that the answer?)

Reading your journal I have the impression that you used to play similar videogames than I, so I probably should listen to your advices. I have this theory that people who game(d) alike think alike. [I still struggle with understanding that concept of leverage, I'll re-read what you wrote and give it a bit more thought.] I guess you can stop giving unsolicited advice when I stop spilling unsolicited drama, how does that sound Wuh-what? ---------- --------- It passed, but the anger turned into quiet despair. I need a break of all of this. Sorry.

Man, in my experience, any motivation is good motivation, at least for a while. If you ask yourself that question it probably means you genuinely care about not being a psycho or an asshole, so you should be fine. Fear, anger, pride, revenge, are like anaerobic fuel. A surge, an explosion of emergency energy. Survival mode. Motivation, purpose, making an impact, those are long-term, the foundation of lasting happiness. I'm not even saying those are better, you'll have to choose depending on the situation. Sometimes you have to survive, sometimes you have to thrive.

Interesting, never thought of it this way. I guess that's the reason behind feeling strangely sad to see my empty Facebook feed...

Welcome to the forum! First of all what you're doing is really brave and admirable. It's really easy to feel overwhelmed and give up on people suffering from addictions, to look away and hope it gets better, or even worse, to take personal responsibility and blame. It is not your fault. It's the first thing you need to acknowledge. It will be difficult for you to help your brother, and the chance will drop to 0% if you start from a victim/guilty position. Thaaat being said, my experience with family members is limited. Right now I come as a moderator, just to tell you that if you plan to post regularly, you should open a thread in the main section or a journal; people only drop here to say hi to newcomers. Threads in the main section can be more specific but the journal section is more populated (and popular) so you can choose accordingly. Hope to see you around, and good luck for you and your brother! You two deserve better!

Welcome and congrats on your month! There are many people in this community who have experienced bullying and isolation as you describe. You're not alone and if you ever feel the need to discuss it, you'll find support. It's also true that compulsive videogame players use games to escape and neglect their social skills, health, even hygiene. But (and it's not an excuse) there are also non-players who live in misery. Outside things (fun, girls, jobs) are a reflection of what's inside. When they are true of course. And about your English, if you speak serbian I think you could start a journal in the Non-English language section and expect to be replied. If your variant is bosnian or croat you got me a bit more lost there, but it would certainly be an exotic addition! However I recommend you to keep writing in English and improving, your level is already pretty decent!

Fuck You Fund, I like it. Considering my trajectory, the victory would be actually trying. I'm so tired of escaping and dropping things half-way, man. Friend is MIA, so there you go. Money still not spent, but suddenly I don't feel the need to rush it. That gives me hope in my future home economy managing skills. I try to twist around time and again, but I can't see a way to escape my current trajectory. Come on me, it's not so big deal man, just stick with your decision. I'll be bullshiting me until the very day of the exam I'm afraid, but isn't that resilience at work? I'm sorry for all the inconvenience caused by the collateral effect of me being a f*cking pussy. Now seriously, I see my permanent bad mood affecting people around me. I cannot allow myself to be a downer. Sometimes it's ok. Not as a constant. Today a good day emotionally. Husband came back from a trip in Central Europe and we did some catching up between yesterday and today. Apparently Budapest is a must go. Physically, however... Lack of movement. The moment I make exercise a habit, it will pass. One discomfort after the next. Why is it that I don't feel so bad about it as I used to?

Boring (?) Two years, four if I like it. Not running my mouth will surely be a great skill for the current me, believe me. Other than that, the rep of being told "Ah this guy should know something about life, he was military". Probably not so much, but better than "Was a leech in his mommy's house until 25 when he went to learn how to live from everyone else's honest work". Push around civilians, huh... If there was some sort of short-term commitment then why not, could be an interesting experience and I've always felt curious about their job (also have a lot of family tradition in Police and Civil Guard on father's side... probably some of the worst of the corps...). But anyway, police work is signed for life in national exams.

When you are in Madrid take a look at Toledo, it won't take you long and it's a really nice medieval town (Also the Inquisition Museum is there, if you want to humor the most celebrated spanish meme and have a liking for complicated torture devices. Perhaps something to punish relapsers... ) I live in the south. Good surfing in the south as I tell you. Andalusian overdose in the south. BUT, from Madrid you can also choose Barcelona. Great party in Barcelona. If @Vlad and you decide you'd like that, I could look for a cheap flight and meet you there. Your choice?

Ok. Lisbon/Sagres means south, so you must check south of Spain too. Tarifa is another great place to surf but the winds in the strait are a bit tricky, I have to check your dates beforehand. You could also visit Seville, and even Córdoba and Granada if you fancy. Depends on how much you want to travel but it's worthy. The small villages of the province of Cádiz have a lot of charm, but they are a bit isolated and you ought to rent a car to visit them. I mean, depends on what are you looking for in a travel. Heritage, landscapes, food, party?

So you have another 2 weeks for Spain, right?

- Money - Credentials - Self-reliance If I had another source of income that would let me be independent and improve my maturity and independence, I'd go for it immediately. Such as becoming a traveling translator.