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seriousjay
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Posts posted by seriousjay
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On 2/1/2022 at 5:28 AM, Amphibian220 said:
You won’t have to manage this the rest of your life. Your character is always changing the more work you put into it.
don't give me that negative outlook Jay, I’ll have none of it.
If you’re using it as an escape, then Don’t go to board games, get into the fight. How is your job, your family? What were your achievements man?
Pretending a mental health illness isn't a mental health illness doesn't a) not make it a mental health illness and b) make it go away.
I'm actually more positive and mature now than I have ever been.
I'm not using it as an escape. Rather, I am accepting that I have limitations because of a disorder that I have and I'm doing things in my life to set myself up for success in spite of it.
You should know that people have told me the things you're telling me, and it was destructive because it was distracting from the actual issue at play. Some cultures barely recognize mental health illnesses as a thing and people commit suicide every year because of it. They have issues that aren't their fault but they are told they are lazy, stupid, etc. and eventually give up. Exactly like I was told.
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On 1/29/2022 at 10:27 AM, Amphibian220 said:
Hey its Jay! Jay is back! Always welcome on this forum.
Attention deficit doesn’t tell me anything man. Sure gamers are outsiders and don't develop a strong character in time, but that should go away over time as you start interacting with your community in a real way, playing sports and participating in family events.
How can you acquire your subconscious thinking patterns. I gather its possible by observing your interaction with people over time and noticing how you differ from other people, what you value more or less etc. In these two years I became more forceful in voicing complaints over issues that are important for me. This is a big advancement, but I don’t stop noticing that change is a very slow progress and I have a tendency to revert to old ways in stressful situations.
Hope all is well with you and your family.
Never stop journaling, never stop building your character through sport and interaction with leaders.
In ADHD, there is a deficiency in neutrotrasmitter signal processing that creates a dopamine deficiency specifically. This causes the brain to seek out activities that stimulate the release of dopamine. This is not treatable except with medication. For that reason, it is very different from an addiction, where you would expect abstinence or control of the substance being abused to lessen that craving for dopamine.
You can read more here:
https://www.healthline.com/health/adhd/adhd-dopamine#connection
https://psychcentral.com/adhd/neurotransmitters-involved-in-adhd#can-you-change-it
I also read an article before that I can't find now that basically said with ADHD, neurotransmission gets interrupted and some of the signals never get to where they're supposed to go.
As you said, things were "supposed to happen over time", but they didn't really happen for me. I've been telling people for years that things are off and that something isn't right. I kept hearing that everyone has the same problems, etc. etc. Now I know I was right and I wasn't crazy. I've seen a lot of improvements in my life ever since this diagnosis because I now have a proper plan for handling things.
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Hey guys, been a while. Just bringing this thing back from the grave to say that I've recently been diagnosed with ADHD and that is likely the cause for pretty much all of my difficulties, as well as the reason why the things I've tried to deal with my addiction haven't really worked that well.
If you're in the same or similar boat, I strongly encourage you to get tested for ADHD. The symptoms present very similarly to anxiety, depression and addiction disorders, and if you read about it, it's not too uncommon for people suffering from these issues to have undiagnosed ADHD.
After getting this diagnosis, I personally feel like I finally have some measure of agency back in my life. However, the problem is never going to go away and it's something I'll have to manage the rest of my life. At the very least, when things happen at least I know why, and I can start taking steps to address them and make everything more manageable.
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Bottom line is, you can't change anyone. Ever. Period. Stop trying to.
If your husband doesn't want to change, he won't. He has proven this time and time again.
In a way, he's right that you are trying to control him and you need to stop. Do not participate in his gaming anymore. Do not talk to him about gaming anymore. If he brings up gaming, tell him to stop talking about it. If he won't, leave the room. And make it clear that if he wants to continue gaming as well as keep the relationship, then he needs to work on healthy boundaries with the games. Then, leave him alone. Let him spend his time how he wants and decide for himself what he wants. If he doesn't change, you need to leave the relationship.
I will warn you however, that I don't think this relationship is salvageable. Your husband is an abuser and an addict. He is so addicted to the games he's not even close to realizing he has a problem. Not even sitting down with a counselor seems to have moved the needle. He needs to seek therapy for his own problems, and it sounds like that's going to take years of hard work.
This isn't about running. It's about recognizing that YOU DESERVE to have what you want in a relationship. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to have someone as a partner that wants to interact with you and do things with you, things that YOU want to do. This is not selfish, this is recognizing that we all as individuals have needs and desires and those things deserve to be fulfilled.
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Well it's been about a year since I posted here. This is going to act as a farewell post of sorts since I'm pretty confident about where I'm at right now and can take it from here.
I have since become engaged to the woman I met on Match about a year and a half ago and things are going quite well. The honeymoon phase is definitely over but we've settled into a new normal for us that I'm sure is going to work very well. There are still some adjustments and compromises to be made because we are both individuals who really value our independence and still have this feeling that parts of this relationship are compromising that. However, I'm certain that I've found the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with so I'm excited to see where it goes from here.
I haven't picked up a video game in over a year and I've only watched Youtube videos for video games a handful of times, so much progress has been made there. Sometimes I am wistful about them, however I know that at this time, I cannot have a healthy relationship with them. It's possible I may never have that, though some part of me wants to. At the same time, I feel like if I do get to that point, I won't even want to play or even think about video games anymore, having prioritized other, more important things in my life. If all I'm going to do is play video games a couple hours a week, I don't see the point of playing them at all.
I have picked up a board game called Gloomhaven which is a little bit like a video game in board game form. It almost got out of control but I think I'm at a healthy place with it now for the most part. It was a bit risky to allow myself to interact with it but I really believe I need to face this challenge head on and overcome it in order to really move on from this addiction.
The food is still an ongoing challenge but I am making pretty good progress on that over the last couple of months. I'm still eating too much but mostly I am cooking at home lately or if I am getting take out, it's on the healthier side.
What has really helped during this time is tapping into mindfulness, namely meditation, affirmations, visualization, and more recently, yoga. When you can ground yourself in the moment and really exist there, it's not too hard to stop obsessing over things like video games, food, etc. or just thinking in general.
Anyways, I really want to share my appreciation for this community, for @Cam Adair for starting Game Quitters and everyone else who has helped me on this journey. It's been a wild ride and I hope that everyone who is suffering is able to find peace. 🙂
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On 5/4/2020 at 11:39 AM, Ikar said:
Hope all is well with you @seriousjay 🙂
Hey dude, thanks for posting.
I actually ran into a major relapse back into gaming and youtube. Got a lot of stress going on in my life right now but slowly I'm working back towards a healthy place. I've come to the realization that in order to really get over this hump I'm going to need sustained abstinence from everything game related for years most likely. That seems to be the only way the life I want to live will become the "new normal" for me.
How are you doing?
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1 hour ago, BooksandTrees said:
I think I'd do an easy approach to weening off of the consumption of gaming content and food. A way to do this is maybe find a book or an easy show to watch away from the computer for a set period of time. Another way to do this is by finding healthier alternatives to what food you're eating. You can meal prep and eat your required food to stay full so you're not craving food. You can also drink some water when you feel hungry and see if that quenches anything.
You could also see if you can cut some added responsibilities. I don't know what they are obviously, but maybe some brainstorming there could help. Are there any fun activities you can schedule with your girlfriend or friends to help promote a healthier version of escapism?
Re. the food: I've discovered I'm an emotional eater. Being full or knowing the consequences of my poor eating aren't helping to stop my consumption of junk food. I just have to find a better way to handle stress. I'm sure a significant part of it is also habitual as well.
As far as the gaming content, it goes hand in hand with finding a better way to handle stress. I can't really do much about the added responsibilities, so I just have to find a better way to manage my responses. I'll be working with my online counsellor on solutions for this.
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Haven't posted here in forever but I figured I'd share where I'm at.
Things with my girlfriend are going amazing. Don't have much to say about that.
Food has increasingly become a problem and with that so has consuming video game related content on Youtube. I think a lot of it has to do with stress from added responsibilities in my life and still not having great ways to cope with it. The writing and violin isn't helping much and I actually haven't done those activities in quite some time. Maybe I haven't given them enough of a chance to act as stress relief, I don't know. I've also slipped in my meditation and daily gratitude practice.
My usual way to get back into doing things is not put too much pressure on myself to do them and just be OK with doing them for short periods of time to build the habit back up. I think that'll be a good start to get back on track. We'll see how it goes.
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Good luck!
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14 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:
I can't describe it really. I just became so distant in that moment and lost all feeling. I was stunned. I just felt like an ocean away in an instant.
It comes and goes my friend. You're not going to fall head over heels every time you think of the person you love. Some days you're going to think she's the greatest creation this planet has ever seen, other days she's just going to seem like any other human. I wouldn't worry too much about it unless it's been this way for an extended period of time.
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On 2/24/2020 at 7:58 AM, Alexanderle said:
@ceponatia I mean, isn't this way of support similar to the support on gamequitters? Like counting the number of days of not fapping and counting the number of days of not gaming? With the promise that after 100 days of not fapping or 90 days of gaming detox the "magic" begins, where you start to feel a lot better? 😄
The 90 days is just a goal to work towards. The whole point of removing video games from your life for 90 days is to give you enough time to replace video gaming with other activities that fulfill the same needs.
Maybe part of the issue is that people who get addicted to video games generally have significant underlying mental health issues that need to be addressed first and foremost. This is why so many people try and fail I think. Video games are like a drug to many of us. We can abstain for a while but eventually we need the high again and it's only through very concerted effort and self-discipline that we can force ourselves to not go back to it. Sometimes this is successful, even long-term. But I think without tackling whatever issues brought you to video games in the first place, it's hard to set yourself up for success.
I used to think I just needed to try harder. That I didn't want it bad enough. This advice works for some people, but for many of us it won't because that isn't the problem.
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1 hour ago, Firewithin89 said:
yes, i did turn to video games i know without a doubt because of my marriage and I have been to a mental health professional a few times this past year. I didn't come on here to talk about my marriage though to be honest, I came here because I needed a place to feel comfortable and to get help with my gaming addiction. I had marriage problems before the games, but I didn't have any mental health issues until i became addicted to these games. I had a social life before, I have a wonderful support system as far as people that are here for me in my real life, but I don't feel comfortable talking with them about this addiction because they wouldn't understand it.
Alright, well obviously I don't want to discuss anything you're not comfortable talking about. 🙂
What do you feel we can do to help you at this time? Do you have any specific questions?
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1 hour ago, Firewithin89 said:
To answer your question about trauma in my life.. no, I thankfully haven’t had anything serious happen to me other than I’m going through a marriage separation right now. We have been married for almost 10 years. I won’t blame games on this separation, but I will say i my marriage is probably the reason I kept coming back because yes I felt lonely in my marriage.
Don't discredit even seemingly minor events that happen in our lives. If someone prods you with a spoon 1000 times you're probably going to be pretty upset after a while, but each individual poke won't do a whole lot. You say you felt lonely in your marriage. Would you say over that 10 years that there was a significant amount of neglect on your partner's part? Did you ever try to reconcile the issues with your partner, or were you just taking it and accepting their position, even if you didn't agree? I might be wrong but I wouldn't be surprised if your marriage is the reason you turned to video games in the first place. We are social creatures. We crave company. If you aren't getting it in real life you'll find other ways to satisfy that need. In your case that may have been video games.
Assuming this is all true, and your marriage has left you scarred, finding a way to forgive your partner and especially yourself (if you do hold any self-blame for the breakup) will be an important step in your recovery. It's not necessarily important to tell them you forgive them. Forgiving them in your mind may be enough for you.
I would definitely recommend seeking some kind of mental health professional to discuss this if you think it's a critical issue.
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2 hours ago, Firewithin89 said:
My name is Laura and I am 30 years old. I have been a member on here for a month or two, but I am just now feeling courageous enough to tell you about my story. My story did not start at a young age. Although I played video games some on play station and computer, I never had a problem with stopping to live out my life and I always was pretty focused on my goals and dreams in life. Before my addiction, I loved the person I was. I was very active, I was a runner and ran around 30 miles a week. I loved the outdoors, I loved being around people, I loved working and achieving goals daily. My addiction began in December of 2018. Yes, I have only been addicted for a little over a year, but this addiction has brought so much destruction in my life that it is overwhelming sometimes to even think about. The first game I came across in December of 2018 was not really a game, but more of a virtual world called " Avakin Life" I honestly don't know why I even downloaded the game, I was just curious about the virtual interaction, but little did I know, this would become very toxic and ultimately I quit a job of 5 years that I loved because of this game, I think that has to be the worst mistake I have ever made and I don't know if i will ever forgive myself for it. The next game I downloaded was "Imvu". It is similar to "Avakin Life", but it is more graphic and explicit. This kind of led into something else that I don't feel comfortable discussing on here, but for the most part, I am not addicted to those games anymore. The game that I can say I am fully addicted to is "PUBG", there have been weeks that I have played it for 80 hours. I feel like this game has control of me. I dream of this game. Its the first thing I think about when I wake up. This is scary. What is the most scary is my mental health right now. I could probably write a book about what all this addiction has cost my life. I can sit here and say that I am at the worst place I have ever been in in my entire life and I know for a fact it is because of this addiction. I have ruined my relationships, jobs, my health, my mind. I have lost so much because of this addiction. I also find I am addicted to the social interaction of video gaming. I put my gaming relationships first before the people in my real life and 9 times out of 10 my social relationships on games ends very badly. I want to stop gaming, but my addiction is so severe that I don't know how I will ever overcome this to be honest. I am very thankful I found this group though because no one in my life really knows all of this happened because of my addiction, my family thinks it is my mental health.
Hi Laura, welcome to the forums.
It's entirely possible that your addiction is because of an underlying mental health issue. I wouldn't rule it out and if you can make it work I would strongly advise you to speak to a professional about it. At the very least your family doctor. It might be an issue that you've been carrying "under the hood" your entire life and that specific video game you mentioned may have dragged it out of you.
At the very least, there are some questions that would be worth exploring, such as if you've experienced any serious trauma in your life (mental or physical), whether you've struggled with making friends, etc. Also think about if there's any specific need that the video game may have fulfilled for you. Were you lonely? Sad about something? Think about how the video game made you feel and what about it made you keep coming back. You say you didn't have problems in your life until that game and I believe you, but there is obviously something it gave you that nothing in real life did that you desperately wanted. Otherwise you wouldn't have kept coming back.
Additionally, please let us know if there's anything specific you need help with that we might be able to do for you.
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@Zipperhead sorry to hear about your relapse. I wish you well in getting back to where you want to be.
My first instinct is to question your relationship with your wife. I can understand her being disappointed that you relapsed but her reaction according to you seems extremely excessive. Why would there be such a huge trust issue because you relapsed? Why would she threaten to leave you because you've shown that you're still human? It sounds to me like your relationship has deeper issues than just broken trust over a relapse in gaming, and I would strongly advise you to talk to her about that. If she's piling shit on you during this time, it isn't going to help. In fact, it's only going to make things worse, and you need to explain that to her. As well as the fact that relapse happens. It sucks, but it's always a risk with former addicts of any type, and right now you need her help.
Your loved ones should be pillars of support in times of weakness, not the first ones to judge and distrust you.
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10 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:
Poor sleep again. I'm waking up extremely aroused and feeling like I need sex or release, but I'm trying to change it. It lasts for hours. I don't understand why. In the past when I've been at 2 weeks without masturbation I didn't experience this. I'd relapse from stress. I'm just VERY aroused and nothing is triggering me. It's just sleeping.
It's normal to wake up aroused from dreaming.
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20 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:
I do agree with a lot of this. I just don't think I mentioned that I'd want to do everything with her and shower her with love all the time from the first paragraph, but I do agree with you. I have a difficult time being positive. Unfortunately, this is happening when I start watching porn again. Porn has me regressing and sitting in my own self pity and anger. When I wasn't watching it (2-3 weeks ago when everyone said I'm making progress) it was pretty easy to see my difference in personality.
Just watching it once sets me off on this terrible chain reaction and I spiral into a pit of anger and hatred. It just comes from myself. I am 2 days off of it now and I really want to stick with it this time. I'm trying to develop a more positive feeling about life with having a better lifestyle.
I'm just being impatient and allowing my studying to stress me out on top of it all. I should be eager to study so I can pass this test to get my raise and be able to afford a home. Stuff like that. I don't look forward to life after work ends at 5 PM but if I did look forward to something then maybe I'd feel better over time.
I'm experimenting. Thanks for the advice.
Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you react to it.
Regressing back to porn isn't a problem if you find a way to bounce back. Every time we fall is a learning opportunity and a chance to become more resilient for when things get hard once again. And they will.
One bit of advice: don't feel like you "should" feel like anything. Studying is boring. Nobody wants to study. It's OK to feel that way. You'll do it anyway because passing the exam is important to you, but it's OK to not enjoy the process of getting there.
Attaching an expectation of how something should feel or how excited we should be is the very thing that causes us stress. We don't have the experience we think we should have and we get upset over that.
I think you've got this. Keep up the fight!
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8 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:
Thanks. I do have lots to offer and am a worthy candidate for a relationship. I just usually back off because I think she's going to make my life more difficult. Idk, something different about the ones I've met recently. I don't feel like they'd ruin my life.
I'm not so sure. I saw some real progress from you over the past few weeks but it looks like you've slipped a little bit. I used to think like this: that I'm the one who will treat a woman right. I'll do everything for her. She'll never want for anything again. She'll know so much love and affection that she'll feel sorry for all the women out there who have men who treat them like shit.
Wanna know who these types of people typically are?
Doormats.
They're the type of people who have no ambition and do nothing for themselves and treat their woman like a goddess. They are at their every beck and call. When she says jump, they say how high.
The novelty doesn't take long to wear off.
Where at first the woman appreciates all the attention, love, respect, etc., she quickly realizes she's getting it for all the wrong reasons. Maybe he's desperate, maybe he just jumps for the first woman who looks at him. This guy means well, but he doesn't realize his behaviour is self-sabotaging.
Yes, a woman wants to feel loved and appreciated. She also wants to feel special. She wants to be able to say "I'm so lucky! This guy is so busy doing all the incredible things he's doing with his life and STILL he chooses to spend some time with me as well!"
If everything you ever do in your life is for her, she'll either milk you for everything you're worth or leave you altogether because she feels you're not worth her time. She doesn't want nor need you to be there for her all the time.
It's not about being busy for the sake of being busy. It's about being busy because you have things in your life that you value. That are important to you and that you're working towards. Goals and ambitions are sexy, and high quality women are very much drawn to men with them because it shows her that the man also thinks very highly of himself and has a great deal of self-esteem and self-confidence.
You have a great deal of anger towards others that you need to resolve. Sooner or later that's going to come out with your girlfriend as well. It's going to happen for the most nonsensical reason and you're not going to understand why it came to it, but you're going to flip out on her for something silly and neither of you will understand what happened.
I also think you lack self-esteem. It isn't about what you've accomplished. Measuring your self-esteem based on your deeds is a very hollow endeavour. I can't say what contributes to a high self-esteem because quite frankly it even mystifies me. I just know that practising self-care leads to higher self-worth. Engaging in hobbies that leave you feeling a sense of accomplishment and feeling good about yourself for doing them is another way as well I think.
I think you've got a high level of self-awareness and that will help you. You understand what's going on within you and that will help you to identify areas that need to be worked on. I just think you'd do well to channel your energy into more positive attitudes and mindsets. Right now you're full of anger, hatred and bitterness towards seemingly everyone and everything. There isn't a self-respecting woman in the world who would ever be attracted to that once she learned about it.
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Sex sells. That's been true for centuries. It's no less addicting than gaming, fast food, etc. It's an urge that most of us have and for many there is a constant need for it. It's just that society worships that addiction.
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On 2/2/2020 at 4:17 PM, ceponatia said:
It's the same as all addictions... there are alcoholics who were able to drink in moderation, although very, very few of them. Just as there are probably game addicts who can eventually play games in moderation. It requires a complete lifestyle change, though. Most people are not capable of doing that overnight (or at all).
I think specifically with gaming, it requires one to become completely emotionally detached from gaming altogether. The thing is though if you get to that point, chances are you just won't find any point in gaming at all. You just won't have any desire to do it. That's kind of where I'm at. I'm pretty sure I could game in moderation but I couldn't care any less to.
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Some people do just forget things, not necessarily out of malice. She might have just gotten really busy. There's a whole host of reasons why she may not have called you. Does this happen frequently? Would you otherwise consider yourselves good friends?
I wouldn't think too much of it. Just send her a hey, how you doing text and see where it goes. But if you ever get to a point where you feel you're putting in a lot more than her, it's OK to take a step back as well. Just don't do it as a "test" or to see how good of a friend she is... that never, ever ends well.
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Some pretty cool posts in here. Let's keep them rolling!
Celebrating all the small wins is just as important as the big wins.
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Well for me it's my first relationship! 🙂 Yay!
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It's definitely inappropriate for parents to discuss their personal problems with their children. Good job for setting that boundary.
Jay's Epic Journey
in Daily Journals
Posted
Hey guys, it's been a long time again but I just wanted to post a quick update.
I got married on September 10th, 2022. It's been a hell of a ride with my wife with a lot of ups and downs, lots of maturing and growth. The board gaming fluctuated quite a lot between good and unhealthy places but I've got it more or less under control at this point. We are even looking into adopting a dog!
I've been working with a therapist who I've really connected with who is helping me with past trauma. On top of all the maturing I've done I think this is really helping me get to the root of my issues, along with him helping me develop strategies to cope with both life and my ADHD.
I can't recommend therapy enough, but I think you've really got to work hard to find someone who understands you and that you connect with. As I've learned, not all therapists with the same or similar background will resonate with you. That connection is just as important to the therapy as the therapy itself.
Anyways, cheers! Hope everyone else is doing well!