ha535065

Hey guys, Just a morning check-in. During my continued graveyard shift, I didn't feel the urge for the last 4-5 hours to game. It feels really nice! I did join meetup.com and found some interesting groups that I'd like to check out (hiking, knitting, volunteering, mindfulness groups, yoga groups, going on adventures). This website is pretty cool! It helped me to start thinking of things I'm passionate about and helps me to think of vacation ideas and things I can do with other people. The reason being, I've tried to take vacation by myself, or even a break to go to the beach (alone), and it was a horrible experience. I really enjoy company! Also, during this check in, I wanted to share with the community and members the drawings that I did yesterday. It's not perfect, but that's ok, given that I have no art class background . I hope you like it Best, Hassan A. XOXO because we are all artists at heart.

Welcome Keeno! Thank you for sharing your story with us! It seems like the tides of shifted and you are ready for some change! Welcome to the group and we hope we can support you on your new journey on respecting yourself and having others respect you. You will achieve this goal! Keep at it!

This is spot on. Thank you for summarizing the overall impacts of gaming. Just like all other addiction, this addiction impacts all systems (micro and macro).

Hello Jingwei! Welcome to the group! Thanks for sharing your story with us! It's powerful and resonates with so many of us. I too am a master's student, and have been away from gaming for some time, but after stressed increased, I started to play games again. You've come to the right place! It seems like you really enjoyed not having video games in your life and it impacted your life positively. However, given that you changed your environment, and were put into a new setting, and were expected to do things on your own (setting your own goals, hold yourself accountable, etc)., it was a difficult moment where you were adjusting and feeling very uncomfortable. This definitely sounds scary, but seems like it marked a new phase/transition in your life towards becoming independent and growing as a person. But, in this process, it sounds like you started to play video games again. This is something I experienced too! As we get older and are given more responsibility, choice, and freedom to create our own goals, it can be somewhat scary. If we played games for a long time, the goals were already created for us, rewards given to us, and we knew what we needed to do. Versus, being in a new master's program, setting or environment, some of those goals we have to create for ourselves. And, if we didn't develop those skills because we had a history of playing video games and or had others (our parents/caretakers/teachers) do those things for us, when the time comes for us to create those for ourselves and hold ourselves accountable, I think it's natural for us to feel confused, discomfort, anxious, fear, worry, and a variety of other feelings. Usually, in this situation, we will try to cope or manage stress and feelings by going to something we are good at or skilled at, or had past experiences of feeling "SAFE." For example, playing video games or doing a particular behavior because it makes us feel we are in control, have safety, and and we are skilled at it. One thing to keep in mind jingwei, doing anything new is initially uncomfortable and has high levels of discomfort. That's what adjustments are, they are supposed to be discomforting because it's new situations/experiences/scenerios. However, with time, practice, patience, it gets better. But, during adjustments and transitions, It's so important to have support! And what matters is that you are here! You have made a choice to take action (being proactive) and we are here to support you! We hope we can be part of your journey in making your life "more colorful" and help you in the process of "seizing the chance of changing your life." I think that's a goal we all share in our recovery process.

Day 4 : (6/12) - Sorry, I posted this in the wrong thread. Checkin in: Had a pretty upsetting incident take place at dinner party where I wasn't being heard by someone else and the other person kept talking over me. I felt myself go into myself and becoming angry, frustrated, upset, and disrespected. I noticed my breathing pattern change and me hyperventilating and I wanted to punch this person out. I kept my cool and tried my best to state myside, but felt this person was stuck on his way. He was passing opinions as facts, and that really irritated me. I guess, it really was a value of mines he was violating and felt' I had to say something. Anyhow, it escalated where I said some stuff, realistic things related getting correct sources and not misinformation from CNN. Eventually, I would remove myself from the environment and take a walk n get ice cream for my cousin. Then we browsed 99 cent store and that was cool. But, I didn't reenter that environment. I stayed away. And now, I'm replaying the scene over, analyzing, and trying to recognize where did I make a mistake? Could it have gone a different way? What will people think of me? What did they think of me because I responded to his unfactual remarks? I come from a background where we aren't supposed to get angry and are supposed to be respectful of elders. I was trained throughout my childhood to take it and look the other way, but I'm just tired of this bullcrap. It's not ok for people to walk over me and I don't stand up for myself, or people say incorrect stuff and I don't try to correct them. I'm simply tired of being afraid of standing up for myself and others, and the consequences that will come from it. Why should I be punished or mean to myself if I believe I stood up for the right, truth, and or justice? If I don't, I and others will be doormats for ignorant and bullies. I've been bullied because of this and never stood of myself because I wasn't supposed to create any waves! What type of balonie is this? A double standard! They can hurt me and I have to take it? And if I do anything, you'll immediately blame me for wrong or see that i did something to instigate it instead of hearing my side. Anyhow, all I know is I'm tired of being a doormat and not creating waves because I have to make everyone happy and make sure I'm civil even if I'm being oppressed! Screw that! And that persons odasity to tell me at the end, "You're a psycholgist/therapisr, I wouldn't see you" as if we counselors are supposed to be emotionaless human-beings and agreed with all unfactual information! No sir! You say something stupid or something that brings up a reason for confrontation, we will confront you. I'm not im a therapy session with you and this is real life, and I know for a certainity, I'm able to stand up for myself and express myself when you say whatever you want and expect no one to confront you. You have a right to get angry, but have a double standard for me to not get angry and be calm and have a nice demanor! I will, until you violate one of my values. When this happened, I felt so upset at myself for responding to him and standing up for myslf. I felt alone, pretty shaken, and thought of escaping. I wanted to punch something and let the energy out. I'm so glad I had my cousin to go and get ice-cream with, and regulate my emotions. Otherwise, it would've potentially lead to a relapse. Learning points: - Walking away and leaving environment was effective in reducing feelings of anger. - sometimes excusing myself and removing myself from people like that would be better for my overall well-being. - sometimes saying, "I don't know" is best with people like this. - It's ok for me to confront someone if I choose too. If it hurts someone elses or is very toxic, it's ok for me to intervene. Especially, if it seems like bullying. - People are at different levels in understanding. - opinions are opinions, and not facts. Let the person preach. If it botherd me, walk away. - It's hard for me to forgive myself for asserting myself and using the emotion of anger/hurt in a correct way. It's going to be hard because in my culture and environment, we are taught to be passive and be doormats. So naturally, I would work extra hard to revisit and replay the scenerio in my head so next time, I can take an more appropriate (conforming to social norm) approach instead of asserting myseld. Because asserting myself and standing up for oneself isn't part of my upbringing or culture, and is portrayed as negative in the environment. But, it's ok from time to time to be assertive Hassan, XOXO BECAUSE YOU ARE WORTH IT! Great job today for standing up for yourself! His opinion of you is his opinion! It's not facts! I know who I am, my capabilites, my potentials, and my beliefs. I don't care what his opinion of me is. It's what I know and care about myself that counts! "If I want to be a leader, I can't please everyone. If I want to please everyone, then I can sell ice-cream." And, I choose to be a leader! Edited Sunday at 11:13 PM by ha535065 In the other thread, this was response by member to this journal entry about this incident: Response was very encouraging and I wanted to ensure that it doesn't get erased in other thread.

Day 5: (6/13) Sunday check-in: So, on Sunday, I had planned to accomplish tasks after work. I wanted to get ahead on my week by finishing my school readings, internship work, and any other unfinished business. However, I found myself extremely exhausted by 3 pm. I watched some of Cam's video hoping it would motivate me and keep me going. It was very informative, but I was just overall tired and didn't want to do any tasks. I think tiding up my room by organizing and removing all barriers to exercising took an exponential amount of energy from me. I took a nap from 3 to 7:30 pm and thereafter, went to a dinner party, and was insulted by someone there. I was able to hold myself together and effectively cope, but felt' a desire to relapse and just escape these uncomfortable feelings. I would eventually start to feel better by engaging in positive self-care practices, went and bought Ice-cream with cousin, and went to 99 cent store and browsed. It helped to somewhat regulate my emotions. The thoughts and hurt feelings kept coming back, I kept on ruminating into the argument that transpired the night of. It somehow pushed me to use the stationary bicycle I had at home. I did it for about 10 minutes and felt' much better, less annoyed the thoughts, and felt' more centered. So, I regrettable made a decision to drink coffee at around 1 am to get some of the unfinished work for my internship accomplished. Now that I think about it, I may have drank coffee because the following day, Monday night, I will be working grave yard shift (12 am to 9 am). I think, that's why I drank the coffee. I wanted to prepare my body to be awake the graveyard shift! The coffee helped me to stay focus and be very productive for about 3 hours. I finished a-lot of the unfinished work that was required of me. Still didn't find the motivation to keep on going. So, intermittently, I browsed the forum to support others and read their stories. I can see how many people have come a far way and they are a beacon of hope for me as I start my journey. It's especially helpful to hear some of the failures of others stories, but how they used that failure to self-improve and continue the recovery process! Very inspiring! Monday check-in: I attempted to sleep around 5 am, but was unable to do so. I found myself lying in my bed and rolling back and forth. Eventually, I got tired of it and engaged in bicycling, mindfulness 15 minute meditation, and then read. Nothing helped to bring about the sleeping state. So, I just gave up trying to sleep. I had a meeting at 10 am. At around 9 am, I engaged in some yoga stretches and the experience was amazing. It felt' focused, centered, and appreciated my body. I think doing yoga impacted how I felt' later on in the day. I didn't have back/neck/or shoulder pain during the day. I did the meeting, and still felt quite awake. I accomplished most of the tasks that was required of me in the internship. At around 12:30, I accomplished most tasks and started to become bored. I was thinking of playing video games at the job-site, which I have done before and there is no restriction. I think I didn't play it because there's a sense of shame in playing at work. So, instead, I brought out a sketch book that I recently purchased and began drawing. I just didn't want to draw what's on my mind, and instead, went on google and found some pictures that I wanted to attempt to sketch or draw freehand. It really helped me to not feel bored. I drew batman, snoopy, charlie brown, pickahu, and two dogs. I think towards the end, after drawing pickahu, I showed one of my colleagues and was vulnerable with her (I worried I may be judged for my crappy artistic abilities). However, she enjoyed seeing the drawing. So, after that, I felt more encouraged and drew a puppy, and some other cartoon. After drawing the puppy, I showed it to another co-worker, and she said, "AWW, it's so cute!" It was really nice to hear a compliment from her! Then, my supervisor came back to the office, and I thoughtfully made him a copy of the drawing and gave him a copy. He was really taken back by the drawing and said, "WOW, you are really talented." That made me feel amazing. He made a special request of charlie brown drawing, and I took the next 10 minutes and drew something related to Charlie brown for him. It was so nice to see others reaction to my artistic abilities. My supervisor said, "You're unique and special talents are unveiling themselves." Then, I realized I was just tired and didn't want to do anymore internship work. I left my job-site and went to take a nap at a Mosque from 3:30 to 6 pm. One thing I'm very pleased with is being able to notify my client that I will see her at 6:30 instead of 6 pm! Man, I was so tired and glad I made that move. It gave me some extra time to nap! As I awoke, I was still exhausted and thought of not going to see the client, but pushed myself! Once I arrived, I was like, "Well, that's strange. I don't feel as bad as I did before." So, fast forward, I took another nap from 9 to 11:30 before arriving to my graveyard shift. I think I was quite upset and angry for having to work graveyard shift. I kept hearing myself say to myself, "I hate this shit. I don't want to work graveyard shift and work all night. I prefer to sleep at nights." I found myself getting upset on my drive to work and having a "not caring" attitude. I didn't care if I was late or what happened. This attitude was challenged when I saw a LAPD officer and that regrounded me! I'm currently here and felt' the urge to play games yet again. My emotions were all over the place and I felt' really dis-regulated. I didn't want to write this journal, but I somehow mustered up the energy to do so! I'm grateful I did. I just want to have a productive night and accomplish some tasks before tomorrow class at 4 pm. I'm grateful for: Doing Yoga and stretches on Monday MorningDoing Stationary Bike on Sunday and Monday Doing Mindfulness 15 minute meditation Increased awareness of different states (feelings, thinking, tired/bored, and motivations). Completing chapter 5 and 6 reading for class, and began on ch. 7. Completing about 10 tasks for internship (writing notes, absences, etc). and organizing all the folders (case-management stuff). Making time to reply to others journals and entries on the forum. Writing in my journalPlanned day with 2017 planner to help me remember of tasks I have to accomplish. Started assessment process for client 3 and 4. Proactively discussed late team meetings with supervisor and attempted to schedule meetings with him. Engage in more effective coping strategy, drawing on sketch book, instead of playing video games. Being skilled and gifted at drawing. Went out of my comfort zone by being vulnerable and sharing my drawing with colleagues. Increased awareness in being able to recognize and accept when I'm tired and I need a nap. Being able to assert my needs and prioritize on myself when I'm tired. Brighten someone else's day by giving them a copy of my drawing. What I learned: I'm very gifted in sketching/drawing. I will plan things and it won't always go my way.Energy expenditure is important to keep in mind! Every activity takes a certain amount of energy or percentage from the 100% marker. I've learned, when I'm planning when I'm at 90% or at a state of 100%, when the execution times comes, I may not be able to fulfill the task at that 90/100% marker. And at times, I won't have enough energy to accomplish the task I planned. For example, on Sunday, I wrote and planned wanting to accomplish some tasks for school and work on Sunday afternoon. When I awoke at morning, I was at 90% energy. By the time I finished with my autistic client, at around 12:10 pm, I think my energy was at 60%. Then, I browsed the forums for a little bit, and it went to 50%, and then I fixed my room, arranged my room to remove barriers for stationary bike, and this took me down to 25%. Basically, I was exhausted by this time. I didn't want to do anything. I was drained! Idealistically, it would've been cool if I could keep going and do all the tasks I wrote on my planner. But, being human, my energy and momentum can be kept up for so long. I eventually recognized I needed to take a nap to re-coup my energy expenditure. It's cool to be idealistic because it can be a source of motivation, but at times, it's ok to reassess the ideal with reality and be self-accepting of current situations. The ideal can be a source of motivation to become one day, but if it's not accomplished in the day of, that's ok. Ideals are never achieved, but something that is ongoing and is always dynamic as opposed to static (always changing and not linear). After naps/sleeping, I am grumpy/groggy, and can't make the best decisions. It's best to make those decisions before napping/sleeping, and following through with those decisions made before the nap/sleep. Feelings are not definitive states and they are always in a state of change. How we think greatly impact how we feel. Feelings are part of temporary experiences and can change within seconds, minutes, or hours. It's always in a state of influx. To prevent making decisions based on feelings and being pulled away by the wave of feeling, using planner or google calendar is a very effective method. Also, to do the action either way, even if you aren't feeling it can bring about a change in the state of feeling because feelings are always in a constant influx and changing. My goals for tomorrow: Yoga/stretches tomorrow morning 5 mins (Personal)Stationary bike for 5 minutes (Personal)Mindfulness for 5 mins (personal)Leave home by 1:30 to find parking outside of campus. Will take 15 mins to walk to campus. (Academic)Attend meeting at 2:15/30 pm at school (take form 6A for professor). (Academic) Attend class at 4:30 to 7:10 pm. (Academic) Sketch book to stay awake in class. (Personal) Get clarification on assignment due next week. Meeting group after class from 7 to 8:00 pm. (Academic) Make script for final project. Break fast at 8:10 pm by drinking water and having something to eat. (Spiritual)Gym Basketball (Group/Personal)Prayer at night (9:45- 11:00 pm) at local mosque. (Spiritual) Journal entry (Emotional/Personal)------------------------------------------------------------- Wednesday goals and schedule: Wake up at 4:20 am to pray predawn prayer (Spiritual) Wake up at 9 am to see client at 10 am. (Professional) Provide survey P.E.T. Complete Assessment (Professional) Opportunity (11:30 - 4:00 pm) for increase self-esteemPrayer (Spiritual) Basketball (Personal) Sketching (Self-care/personal)Cam's videos (personal)Work on handout (School)Client at 4:45 to 5:35 (Professional) Do assessment Prayer (spiritual) Client at 6:00 to 6:50 So, that's it for now. I'm at a better state of mind right now. I'm very grateful I was able to do a journal entry. it helped ground me. Best, Hassan XoXo because you are courageous for being on this journey and are demonstrating resilience, strength, and perseverance! Keep it up!

Hello guys, Would love to try to do a meet up sometime during July/August in LA. I'm curious if anyone would be interested. This would be my first meet up, but I think it would be interesting to meet fellow members in CALI community.

Thank you for posting this! I worried about this as well! I find myself eating, engaging in mindless watching videos online, or trying to find activites to reduce boredum! I need to set realistic goals. One question, any tips on how to study for long duration of time? I want to study for 7 hours too, but find my mind wandering and getting bored! What exercises did you do?

You're posts are inspirational and so insightful my dear friend! You make me ponder over my experiences and how I shouldn't pile up so many tasks where I feel overwhelmed and give up. I love the fact that you reevalaute your goals instead of seeing them as complete failures and throwing in the towel! I find myself, the times I have attempted to quit, or on Flow, that I pile up tasks and then get overwhelmed and beat myself up for not accomplishing tasks. I will follow this approach and come back to accomplishing 2-3 tasks daily and work towards making this a habit! Then, I will build on one task per month. My goal too is lose weight by bicyling on my personal in door bike (everyday for 10 mins), engage yoga practice (10 minutes in the morning x3 times a week), and lastly, go to the park or gym and play basketball with others (maybe x3 times a week as well). I'm not so good at planning and creating goals. It gives me a great deal of anxiety because how many times I've failed. I guess, I like flexibility and am more in the moment type of person, but can find the benefit of setting goals! Thank you for sharing with us! Sending you my prayers that you can easily resolve some of the unexpected issues.

You can do it! Thanks for staying so strong and being a source of inspiration for us who are starting the program! Keep up the hardwork!

Checkin in: Had a pretty upsetting incident take place at dinner party where I wasn't being heard by someone else and the other person kept talking over me. I felt myself go into myself and becoming angry, frustrated, upset, and disrespected. I noticed my breathing pattern change and me hyperventilating and I wanted to punch this person out. I kept my cool and tried my best to state myside, but felt this person was stuck on his way. He was passing opinions as facts, and that really irritated me. I guess, it really was a value of mines he was violating and felt' I had to say something. Anyhow, it escalated where I said some stuff, realistic things related getting correct sources and not misinformation from CNN. Eventually, I would remove myself from the environment and take a walk n get ice cream for my cousin. Then we browsed 99 cent store and that was cool. But, I didn't reenter that environment. I stayed away. And now, I'm replaying the scene over, analyzing, and trying to recognize where did I make a mistake? Could it have gone a different way? What will people think of me? What did they think of me because I responded to his unfactual remarks? I come from a background where we aren't supposed to get angry and are supposed to be respectful of elders. I was trained throughout my childhood to take it and look the other way, but I'm just tired of this bullcrap. It's not ok for people to walk over me and I don't stand up for myself, or people say incorrect stuff and I don't try to correct them. I'm simply tired of being afraid of standing up for myself and others, and the consequences that will come from it. Why should I be punished or mean to myself if I believe I stood up for the right, truth, and or justice? If I don't, I and others will be doormats for ignorant and bullies. I've been bullied because of this and never stood of myself because I wasn't supposed to create any waves! What type of balonie is this? A double standard! They can hurt me and I have to take it? And if I do anything, you'll immediately blame me for wrong or see that i did something to instigate it instead of hearing my side. Anyhow, all I know is I'm tired of being a doormat and not creating waves because I have to make everyone happy and make sure I'm civil even if I'm being oppressed! Screw that! And that persons odasity to tell me at the end, "You're a psycholgist/therapisr, I wouldn't see you" as if we counselors are supposed to be emotionaless human-beings and agreed with all unfactual information! No sir! You say something stupid or something that brings up a reason for confrontation, we will confront you. I'm not im a therapy session with you and this is real life, and I know for a certainity, I'm able to stand up for myself and express myself when you say whatever you want and expect no one to confront you. You have a right to get angry, but have a double standard for me to not get angry and be calm and have a nice demanor! I will, until you violate one of my values. When this happened, I felt so upset at myself for responding to him and standing up for myslf. I felt alone, pretty shaken, and thought of escaping. I wanted to punch something and let the energy out. I'm so glad I had my cousin to go and get ice-cream with, and regulate my emotions. Otherwise, it would've potentially lead to a relapse. Learning points: - Walking away and leaving environment was effective in reducing feelings of anger. - sometimes excusing myself and removing myself from people like that would be better for my overall well-being. - sometimes saying, "I don't know" is best with people like this. - It's ok for me to confront someone if I choose too. If it hurts someone elses or is very toxic, it's ok for me to intervene. Especially, if it seems like bullying. - People are at different levels in understanding. - opinions are opinions, and not facts. Let the person preach. If it botherd me, walk away. - It's hard for me to forgive myself for asserting myself and using the emotion of anger/hurt in a correct way. It's going to be hard because in my culture and environment, we are taught to be passive and be doormats. So naturally, I would work extra hard to revisit and replay the scenerio in my head so next time, I can take an more appropriate (conforming to social norm) approach instead of asserting myseld. Because asserting myself and standing up for oneself isn't part of my upbringing or culture, and is portrayed as negative in the environment. But, it's ok from time to time to be assertive xD Hassan, XOXO BECAUSE YOU ARE WORTH IT! Great job today for standing up for yourself! His opinion of you is his opinion! It's not facts! I know who I am, my capabilites, my potentials, and my beliefs. I don't care what his opinion of me is. It's what I know and care about myself that counts! "If I want to be a leader, I can't please everyone. If I want to please everyone, then I can sell ice-cream." And, I choose to be a leader!

Today is Sunday and in some way or another, recently, it became a fun-day for me. I use to play video games during this day. It served as a way for me to destress before starting the week of work and the hussle. However, it would also be a day where I would complete any unfinished task so i can be ahead on my week and not worry about it on monday. So, it's a tough day for me. I recognize I have to accomplish some unfinished tasks for school and internship, but I don't feel excited or motivated to do so. It's not so romantizing or exciting. It's kind of boring to do those tasks. One strategy I use is putting electro house music on and putting headphones on while i study. It's somewhat stimulating. Other times, I put white noise on my headphones to prevent intruding thoughts or external/internal stimuluses or triggers from distracting me or making me move away from the task I would like to accomplish (homework, internship work, school work, etc.). Sometimes, it's effective, while other times, it's difficult to concentrate. But, I'm slowly beginning to understand the formula or why i use instrumental or Music while I study. It's probably because my brain has gotten accustomed to highly stimulant activities (game had noise, animation, sounds, visual, ans so much more). All of it engaged me and kept me focused on the game I was playing. While books or the work I have to do, doesn't have all these things and requires one to just sit and get it done. A completely different philosophy and way to accomplish; one is more engaged using senses, while the other is more engaged using brute focus. The latter is more difficult for me and so I have to creatively activate some senses, like Music, to help me focus. I guess, for a long time, I disliked this method of doing work, but now i understand why I must do it. I'm very different from my peers due to my prior addiction. It's had an overarching impact on how I work and study. About school work and internship: I like to read the chapters that is assigned because it's new and interesting materials. I was able to derive some awesome info from materials last time i read it and it would greatly benefit me in the future. The tasks for my internship isn't too bad as well. In some way or another, it'll help me provide the best service possible to my clients, while allowing me to see the bigger picture of things. The assessment process is a drag, but essential for me to eventually hold a meeting and create goals, so we can provide effective solutions to the problem (if there is any). Self-talk focused on past and what could've/should've been: I guess I'm beating myself up and avoiding this task because I'm already late for the meeting and having negative self-talk of "always being late for things and assignments and meetings." This self-talk doesn't motivate me. It reignates the desire to escape and use video games to do so. It's not progress focused, or solution focused, and instead dwells on my mistakes and what I could've and should've done. This framework is the issue... I'm unable to stop the rumination of past failures, which impact my current decisions and ability to currently be productive. I think that is why, It's alot easier to not think about how "bad and late/horrible human-being I am" and instead, defensively & choose to engage in play because there, I'm not engaged in past and focused on the present moment. In this game, when I submerse myself, I'm not this horrible person that is late, incompetent, tardy, and unprofessional. I'm not my failures. Instead, I'm this competent and capable being. However, this only lasts for the duration of game play. So, If I say, I will only play one hour, I feel this way for one hour. No wonde, whenever I decided to play for one hour it would go to 10 hours. First it was very fulfilling, but then I binge and play for 5-10 hours making me feel sorrow, regret, anxiety, hate, and anger. And in those hours, periodically, self-talk comes with "you need to be doing this other task" and I would quite the voice by reengaging in avoidance behavior by playing games. Afterwards, I would be forced to wake up* and then realize how much time I spent on the game and how far behind I am on my tasks and how terrible i am for wasting so much time on this useless and unproductive task (playing video game). To do list and fun: So, today, I'd like to have some fun by playing some basketball for one hour and do bicycle for 10 minutes. Then, I want to create a to-do list by writing down my goals for today and next week on my calendar (to do list). Then, systematically work on my intership paperwork, and then work on school assignment of reading, and if possible, reviewing requirements for project sue in two weeks. It'd be cool if i can collect some information and e-mail professor for clarification of assignment because I'm a little confused about the assignment! I don't want to be late! I dislike being late for assignment because it makes me feel weak and I am not weak! I am capable and I will accomplish this tasks and not relapse! Hassan XoXo because you are competent and capable, and can accomplish tasks you set your mind too! You are insightful and courageous! You can do it!

thanks! This is such a good recommedation! I have some podcasts I like. Also, from time to time, my social anxiety kicks up and I feel afraid to write a journal entry worrying I may be criticized and or made fun of. But, being vunerable by writing journals has made me feel better. I'm very pleased to hear I'm not alone in this journey. I do have a tendency to forget that I am brave and courageous for sharing my struggles with this addiction with others, but thats a different issue.

Just wanted to check in. I felt a little uneasy and was avoiding writing in journal. Im not sure why, but I'm here and that's what counts! I found myself extremely bored at my job, being triggered to act out, but started to engage in different activities to keep myself entertained. I organized my backpack and some other things, used glue stick, and made a collage. I started and completed my goal od creating an envelope with positive strengths, certificate, accomplishments, and created collages with positive e-mails and notes I got from others. That was taxing, but helped me overcome the sheer boredum that created in me a desire to play video game. So, now I have this self-care envelope ready in my car in case I get negative. Another thing! I ordered the stars from amazon! But, with it, I also ordered yoga set n blocks, n two xl ink cartages! It always bugged me that I kept delaying purchasing these things. Finally, got around to it and it will arrive soon! Then, I went to sleep after doing graveyard shift till 10 am. During this time, I was pleased with me not getting angry or yelling at a client who was sobossy and demanding (I felt she was thinking highly of herself, but this was my negative perception given I was tired). Then, around 7:30 pm I woke up still sleepy and exhausted, but found some disagreement taking place about family. It bugged me because it was complaints made abojg my dad, who wasn't present, and it made me fee angry. Then I felt a desire to escape and use games to remove how I felt. But, I prayed and then ate with my family. I began to recognize my family has different values and that's what made me angry, not just the complaints. One of my values are to not speak against someone who isn't in front of you. Going back to eating, I attempted to conversate with my mother and found myself struggling and not being understood. It triggered in me feeling of anxiety, anger, and disappointment. I wanted fo escape that feeling and so I went to my room, but found a magazine to help me distract. In my mind, I kept fantasizing and romantizing the video games ability to remove me from feeling those emotions and from thinking about how I'm not understood by my mother. How terrible this is and how I wish I was proficient in her native tounge. By using activity such as reading magazine, it helped to block the fantasy aspect of playing video games. But, I started feeling depressed and sad because I was fighting with myself to desperately not fall back into relapse. I wanted to just sleep and not do anything. I felt unmotivated because I couldn't play to escape the reality I was living. I started fixing a stationary bike I have in my bedroom by putting cloth on the seat, peddles, and other parts because this was one of the barriers I had for so long! I sometimes felt uncomfortable putting on shoes, and my butt hurt everytime I sat on the seat. So, I got busy and adjusted the bike. Kinda ran a test and it seemed pretty good! Now, I hopefully don't have the old barrier and can engage in this more instead of playing games. The thought of gaming, the romatic and fantasy of it, keeps intruding in my mind and makes me feel bad because I don't want to play and am refusing to engage those thoughts. One of my key worries and observations is the because I'm fighting to not play video games, I find myself trying to watch youtube, media, and eating. Maybe it's just a stress response, but it's worrisome because I don't want to get more unhealthy by becoming depressed and eating more, being lazy, and or have the addiction recovery impact other realms of my life. I wonder if anyone else has experienced this? Hassan xoxo, because your worth it.

I forgot to mention. I was pretty upset, hurt, disappointed because gaining addiction doesn't have a support groups similar to Alcoholics Anonymous and her other groups. Even though, gaming addiction is something that is very prevalent and impacting many individuals all around the world. Through this discussion, I explored the importance of creating a support group, in person, to help tackle the issue of gaming addiction. My counselor and I discussed the possibility of creating such good in the near future because I know how it's like to go through this addiction and not get the support that you need. And since I'm working to obtain my masters in counseling and therapy, I'm very driven and passionate about creating such a group for people that are impacted with video game addiction. First and foremost, I'm going to go through my own recovery and gain as much knowledge and insight as possible because this is of upmost importance. Xoxo, because you are definitely worth it!

Today, at 3 pm, I met with my therapist at university. I finally had the courage to let her know about my gaming addiction and the realization of it's impact on my life. I discussed with her how since age 14 I played vide games and how it served to fulfill a purpose. But, how the addiction progressively got out of hand. I discussed with her how recovery fell into relapse through not recognizing what I had was a gaming addiction. Given that I didn't know what I had, I would periodcally play in other systems (consoles like ps3, ps4, or apps). But, in discussing with her, everytime it would get out of hand. I would play for long periods of time and obsessively. Eventually, I would give TV or console to my parents to hold onto for safe keeping. This helped to manage the addiction temporarily. But, in moments of stress or boredum/ celebration, video games would reappear in my life. I discussed with her the shame and guilt involved in engaging in these behaviors. The lies involved in engaging the behavior and how it made me feel. I didn't want to, but felt compulsed to do so. Eventually, we discussed me being two days sober! We brainstormed some reward/reinforcement strategy for maintaining sobriety. For me, I thought about getting a mason jar (clear jar) at 99 cent store and getting colorful decorative pebbles (99 cent) and put one in for each day I was sober. Because the pebbles are small, it wouldn't fill up quickly. Then we brainstormed another idea! I have always wanted stars on my ceiling and have been debating on purchasing these. So, we came up with a plan to provide myself with one small star each week for sobritey from video games and one big star for monthly milestones (similar to AA chip system). In my community, it's very difficult to see stars because of smoke. I really look forward to this because I want to have glow in the dark stars in my room xD! Something about seeing my progress in recovery every night before I sleep with glow in the stars fascinates me! Also, We discussed how I struggle with authority figures, have self-doubt, low self-esteem, and am socially anxious (fear of being evaulated negatively, hurt by others, looked down, etc.), We came up with a plan to photocopy achievements, milestones (certificates, past grades, recognitions, photos, positive letters, quotes, positive scripture, past papers, honors, and letter to myself about how I am strong and capable, etc) to help me remind that I'm going to be ok when I have negative thinking. I discussed having this in my car because that's an area I feel sense of safety and security in & because I'm always in my vechicle communiting from place to place. I plan to do this right away because I'm currently feeling motivated and in my right state of mind. Lastly, we discussed how being always happy and up isn't a good expectation. Sometimes, we need to go through difficult times to come to an understanding. We discussed how society has a set expectation for us to always be happy, but it's ok at days to just be yourself. We discussed and increased my overall awareness of when being alone is ok. While, also exploring the difference between wanting to be alone and when it's manifesting as depression (negative thinking, isolation, avoidance, eating more or less, perceiving others), while discussing what to do when I know I'm isolating due to depression. The strategy we came up with is reviewing my yellow envelope of accomplishments, cerificates, past grades, quotes, and strengths to help me remind get out of depression. So, overall a great session and alot of insights. I personally have been going to therapy for 3 years now, both at university, and individually. I've strugged with social anxiety, depression, and perfectionism. It's taken me a great deal of work and processing to get to where I'm at today, with some being very difficult. But, I didn't know until now how much gaming addiction has impacted me & contributes to my depession and anxiety. Xoxo, because you are worth it. Hassan.

I worked graveyard shift and noticed I didn't use my computer all night. Instead, I felt very stimulated through organizing and cleaning my work environment. This transformed into an interesting/creative activity of creating things using disposable items like boxes. It was really fun and engaging! I was able to create a pen sleeve, two storage, and two organizers using items that our company was going to throw away! I thought, what a wonderful way to reuse items we throw away everyday! Everything I created, I'm currently using for a purpose in my car. It was predominately organization. Very pleased with it!

Welcome and kudos on taking the big first step!

I found myself after a meeting at 2 pm sleep deprived and pretty tired. At this point, my mind went into thinking about playing video games on my computer. I was thinking of going to either Starbucks or campus and just gaming on the computer because I still have it downloaded. I thought about not wanting to do any academic or internship based work, just seemed so boring, and thought how exciting and fun it would be to play video games instead. Instead of just jumping on the impulsive to drive to these locations, I sat down in my car and reviewed forums and read someone else's story. It helped to some degree or another. I think I would've just automatically acted out on behaviors if I didn't give myself a few minutes to sit in my car and review some posts. So, that was interesting. But, it was difficult because I ultimately made a decision to drive towards campus, but stopped mindway to a mosque to pray, and found a wonderful place on a corner to take a nap. During the drive I could recognize my mind going to a place where I was asking myself "where can I get some rest" and the other part saying, "what will you do for the next 3-4 hours since you can't play games." I thinking that my mind has a tendency to mix and hack up my needs. It confuses it and makes me think I need to play games when I need sleep.

Thanks for sharing your insights and progress! Really inspiring to hear your progress and development!

Keep up the hard-work! After reading your post, it made me think about the additional areas I have to work on too! One area I've been struggling with is being able to lower my gaze when I see an attractive person. If I fail at this, I notice it lead to me becoming hypersensitive and extra focused on sexual nonverbal and verbal cues, increases my overall intrusive sexual thoughts, and then leads to behavior of watching porn, and eventual acting out behaviors. I need to remember the slow progression and the triggers so I don't go down that road! Thanks for this!

Hello, This is my first journal entry that I am writing online. It brings me anxiety because a part of me doesn't want to be judged by others. But, I guess that is something that is understandable given my past history. Even though this anxiety and fear of social rejection or hurt exists, I still want to take a chance! I decided to take an leap of faith and take on this experience full force. My most recent gaming experience was at 4 am, which was about 3-4 hours ago. It last for about 20 minutes! What inspired me was the terrible feeling I had after playing the video game. I remembered how gaming impacted my day two days ago. I was forced to stay up all night and catch up on work. Plus, the wrist pain and overall pain I felt was horrible. I remember saying to myself, "This is the consequence you have to face because you decided to play video game up until 5 am. I hope you learned a lesson." But, guess what happens a few days later, I re-downloaded the game and started to play. This action of mines really caused me to become concerned as just less than 48 hours ago I was regretting my decision to stay up at night and play when things were due the following day! I started recognizing how subtly video games were controlling my life. I reflected on how I would periodically fantasize the next gaming experience and couldn't wait to isolate myself from family and the world so I could play. Then, there was the lying that was going on. I would lie to close relationships about how "I have homework to do" and close my door and play video games. That was a horrible feeling, especially it being my parents and siblings. I recognize now how I don't have control over the addiction and how it controls me. So, this morning, I started to listen to some podcast and videos about gaming addiction and sure enough, I came across this website. If I can be honest, I had some reservation about joining at first. I didn't know if I was ready to give up the game because it served some purpose and I was obtaining it through this, at an excessive amount. Then after moving away from the game, I decided to jump on and give it a shot! I'm stoked to try this out and hope that this will provide me more insight into a more effective recovery. I'm looking forward to helping others and also receiving help from others! I am stoked!

Hallo, welcome back! First and foremost, you're reintroduction means you haven't given up and that's what counts! You are really determined to overcome this and give it a try again! You are very resilient! You are a student? Me too! I struggle with depression and impulsiveness almost everyday. It's a daily struggle. Even being a student, this is especially difficult because it comes in the way of me being "productive" and accomplishing tasks I have to do. When you said, "everything I built is falling apart now" - this resonated with me so much. I have recently been feeling this with great intensity! That gaming addiction was destroying everything I worked so hard to build! Just out of curiosity, What are you studying? How far along are you?

Hello, my name's Hassan (HA-SA-AN) I'm from Los Angeles, CA. I'm aged 29. I started to game when I was in my teens, at the age of 14, where a peer innocently introduced the game to me. We played it together at times. Progressively, it got worse and I used it to escape some of the plothera of issues I was facing at the time (e.g., adjusting to adolescents, being bullied, not having parents, identity issues, being Muslim post 9/11, and being socially rejected for being different or not being part of the culture). I recognize now that video games gave me a quick escape, and provided me a-lot of the things that my immediate environment didn't provide me and or didn't provide enough of; safety, comfort, acceptance, and sense of belonging. This relationship only intensified (i.e., I started working and investing most of my money towards upgrading hardware, purchasing games, and equipment within games) as I got older and graduated to community college. I dreamth' and fantasized about the idea of being a professional gamer, fixing computers, creating games, and watched gamers videos online. During community college, I went into a stage of recovery (not professional, but self driven) after conflicts had arisen in my home regarding my game use. After 3-4 years of being in recovery from gaming, without really calling it recovery, I fell back into relapse (video gaming) recently. In my understanding of my somewhat long period of not gaming, I now understand I only put a bandage on a much larger wound. Recently, I noticed computer games began to infringe on my ability to properly function. It got out of hand really quickly. I unsuccessfully uninstalled the video games three to four times from computer in order to control the overall use. And, everytime, I was successful for a few days (putting a bandange on my wound), and then would fall back into gaming by reinstalling. I grew tired of this! I had great difficulty remembering how I went for so long without gaming successfully that I browsed around, watched some videos on youtube, heard podcasts on video game addiction, and came across this website. I'm hoping this time around I can properly heal the wound and work towards getting my life back in order. Few of my goals is to ultimately work towards increasing my ability to socialize with others, meet new people, increase my list of hobbies, try new daring things, and form strong relationships with people in my home and outside in the community. I want to have a healthier lifestyle as well. I hope I didn't share too much. Best, Newbie