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Octsober

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Everything posted by Octsober

  1. Being in a toxic environment really doesn't help one's way of becoming more actualized. In fact, from my understanding it prevents it outright. I'm 28 and still live at home. I really can't take the pressure they put on me to work full time. What does working a full time job mean anything important? I've done this for the past 10 years of my life and nothing has changed in regards to whatever they think will help me. I'm tired of this crap. Since May it's only gotten worse. I feel as there is no hope. I have no direction. My step father has noticed that I've been gloomy lately and simply says to "get out of it" like it's a switch that can be turned on and off. I'm by all means not saying my family is nasty (slightly malicious at times however) but they are generally preoccupied with their own thing and have done about 40% work as parents in my past. I believe this lead me to turn to video games to get the remainder of 60% of whatever I was missing, be that emotionally, mentally, etc . I'm not pointing fingers, but it's infuriating trying to have any sense of self worth when you're told out right or subtly you're doing noting with your life. When I fail, I feel it 10x more so than should be the case. Quitting games is one thing. But I'm at my wits end between the amount of pressure I have from my folks. I'm not unaware of my predicament, it's as they're trying to help in a way only they see how, but in doing so is only adding more to the issue. I work these nothing jobs for what? A few dollars in my pocket? There's not long term sustainability. Guys, I'm losing it big time here. As a human being do I realistically have this many shortcomings? No. But living with these people I feel like I can't be myself. I noticed this feeling big time when I came back from Ireland. Coming back home was like coming back into the mud.
  2. As of now, I haven't played a game in three days. At times I want too, but I understand by doing that I'll very likely be back to square one. This brings me to my other dilemma. I've been creating board / card games for the past 2.5 years. I've reached the production phase (which they say is the hardest part, and it is) for one project which has caused for me to put the breaks on design for the time being. To me, people seem the enjoy it, but I don't really find it to be anything special. People tell me its because I'm the creator so it will never be perfect, which is OK. At this point I just want to be done with it, so I've been considering publishing options. In by putting this on the back burner in a way, I've recently tried going back to writing this pilot for a comic / graphic novel I had brewed about for a bit. I started it yesterday, but unlike my ability to design tabletop stuff, I just lose interest. I know I have ideas that mean something to me in a storytelling medium but I don't enjoy the process of writing a story. I've tried this for a long while years ago. Didn't mind it when it was just spit balling, but its become serious now. I'm still considering plugging away at it casually but I'm not sure I'll see it through to the end yet. I've started meditating again and have been going to the gym. My new job is pretty stressful as it's serving at a private owned local bar / restaurant in town. It's extremely fast paced with a lot on the server that they're responsible for. I'm not sure how long I can last at this place, as I currently dread going in and it's only day 2 today. I can't help but feel utterly lost. I've distanced myself more from my core group of friends, as I haven't been really meshing with them as of lately. I feel mostly alone but I feel that I want to be alone because of this. Have you guys felt similar on your journey?
  3. Hey Mettermrck, It's not that books are boring to me, it's just I've been gaming waaaaaay too much as a crutch. I have a stack of books about 7 high. I read I swear!
  4. Hey again Onlysoul. Thanks for your support. I've been pretty low as of late. I've watched the link you've provided. Lots of great stuff there, thanks! I've been trying new things. Today I played a few games that I wouldn't normally play. After about maybe an hour I stopped because I was bored. Instead of playing a socially connected game, I tryed something more old fashion, that being a single player game. In the end, it's a waste of time to me. I think this is a good thing, I feel like meditating again, reading, or simply watching a movie. I've been hungry for stories. Sometimes games can provide this, but games are stale to me. Lots of the same stuff I've already seen / done. Reading and movies on the otherhand, something different. OH and also graphic novels! I forgot about those. But you're right Onlysoul - I'm trying to mix things up!
  5. Wow that's awesome! Congrats! I've done 110 days myself but a whole year is game changing! I faintly remember the feeling of having no games in my life. Hoping to get back to that some day.
  6. Before I post, I just wanted to make a brief statement. I try my best to not appear whiny. I generally say as I feel in the immediate, but it's not (for the most part) without awareness. I've been to some low points. and today has been pretty low. Sleep schedule is all over the place which is a major contributor. Saw that new Spiderman movie super early. Afterwards had the creative juices running a muck, wanting to be put to use. Ate and napped shortly afterwards for a few hours then went to an event in town for board games, as I was showing off one of my current projects. The turnout was low and within 30 minutes of my 2 hour session I called it early as a friend of mine had his birthday gathering before he left to go back to Seattle for work. It wasn't like I was super down or melancholy as I felt it, but mostly everyone at the party knew something was up as I've known them forever. A lot of "What's wrong?" and "Are you Okay?"'s floated around throughout the night. I mostly separated myself by either being outside or just staying to the outskirts of the group. The thing is with this particular group is that we go at least two decades back. There really isn't much that changes within. Same people that like to keep the group small, which is fine. Same music. Over at least a few years now of same tunes, I'm not sure I can take that part of the groups anymore. But I digress... It wasn't until I was able to have a one on one chat with a friend whom is good at these hard times chats. At this point I was able to bring up what's really been bugging me. I run this business for board games and I feel like a complete failure. I'm a one man show, so all of my projects, to me feel like they're being done in the dark. I completely loathe my current game, mostly because it's OK but to my standard's it's not good enough. All and all I feel like I'm just stuck in the mud. I can't seem the find a path just yet and it's frustrating. I'm thinking about throwing in the towel. I haven't made a dime from anything I've down in my company and I don't think I can produce anything of merit. I'm just trying to be realistic. I quit my last job because it became a bad environment. I have a new job serving, and I'm waiting to hear back from Microsoft for a job at one of their stores. things are just pretty, bleh right now. I have absolutely no excitement for life. And I think that's one of the major issues. I have an Idea what I need to do. An Idea on how to start, but absolutely no will power to do it. Just wanted to get this off my chest.
  7. Hello Onlysoul! You're absolutely right. I went to the gym, started cleaning my room, removed all electronics from my room, and started taking some charge. It's about taking charge and I need to start making moves that show that. Today was a good day. Thanks for giving me a push.
  8. I'm constantly stuck playing competitive Overwatch. It's by far the most frustrating experience KNOWINGLY stuck in the same loop playing the same crap, rolling the same dice, pulling the same slot machine lever. ITS BASICALLY INSANITY. I hate everything about this experience, most of the time, because there is absolutely no meaning behind anything gained within this system. So why the hell can't I stop? Analyzing this now, I see it's mostly because EVERYONE in my close friend group plays. I'm also praised by some as the better player, as I'll team up with some of them and help them rank up. I get the social implications of this, but WHY DOES THIS MATTER SO MUCH? I recently saw a Youtube vid about addiction by this pastor on a tedtalk. The crux of what he had discovered wasn't the addiction itself but rather his lack of approval . This is interesting to me as I can see how this is quasi true for me. I've been failing or rejecting certain things so by failure in key areas of life, like money, independence, etc, I've noticed that I've turned to things that give me a sense of approval that I've been lacking. I have a level of skill in games therefore I have a way to generate a kind of approval. I feel completely trapped. It's super petty playing games this way and I hate it. I know I should stop but it's like I can't because there's no other avenue in my life currently that is going anywhere so by removing this I'm not sure what to do with myself in the immediate. I have an Idea on what to do, but no idea how to execute.
  9. SpiNips - I'm honored to have helped you along this journey. May your future be wonderious!
  10. Hey again DeepspaceAI. Lots of good stuff here. I'm going to check out both those videoes. Thanks for pointing me the right direction! As for my job situation. I've got an 2nd interview with the Microsoft store this upcomming tuesday and I've got a new serving job at this local pub in town. To be honest I was never really worried about finding new work, it's just I'd rather get back on working on the things that matter to me more or less. The detox has been like a rollercoster, I can go a few days without playing, be productive etc, and others I'll just game for most of the day. I think this is because there's a bunch of moving parts going on in my life at the moment where I need some kind of crutch (this is my excuse..). I'm also trying to cut out a mildly toxic group of people from my life, it's hard because some of them are family. I appreciate your help DeepspaceAI - thanks for your support! Means a good deal to me. -Oct
  11. Hey DeepSpaceAI! I did roughtly 100 days but I can explain why I jumped back into games. I wasn't playing any games when I choose to stop playin during November 2015 - Feb 2016. Xcom 2 was coming out towards the last week and I enjoyed the first game so I bought it. As my current PC didn't really play games too well I decided to upgrade as I received a nice return in my taxes. I was able to play all the new games from then onward. Overwatch came out and that was pretty much the game that sucked me in the most. My logic at the time on going back into games was that I felt that I was able to limit myself as I stopped playing for so long. However, its like a slow poison, and as time went on my habits changed back to where I started before my detox. I've recently left my job and have begun transforming my life. It's funny really because I'm technically not unemployed as I own a business :D.
  12. I think I've started day one of XX Detox - not sure but trying it out regardless. Did it before - shouldn't be that bad the second time.
  13. Hey, thanks a bunch for reading up on my journal. I appreciate it ! I work as a server so finding new work for me isn't that difficult but I've grown... confortable where I am but I'm more or less positioning myself to gtfo out of that place simply because its too toxic. I pretty much game today, to hide from going to work at my crappy job. I've been positioning myself for a detox. I did put my two weeks in 6 months ago when the new managers took over, but I decided to stick around because I didn't have anywhere else to go at the moment. As for my board game stuff, I've been working on two projects still! It's just taking some time to produce them is all. Also I need just a bit more capital to get it really off the ground. Magfest is generally a good time. I generally go now for work as I present my projects as part of the Tabletop Division of the convention, which is nice as I get some perks
  14. Wow it's been a LONG time since I've been here... I'm going to be completely honest here. I'm at the end of my rope. I'm tired of aimlessly playing games. I'm tired of wasting time. I'm tired of getting frustrated. I'm tired of being TIRED. When I stopped playing games, my life became 500% better. Now I'm just stuck. I know what I need to do, however I'm stuck in this loop between being stressed out at work and running from my issues by playing games. After work I'm too stressed out to get away from games, as the games I'm playing give me enough joy to keep me distracted enough to not think about having to go back to a bad situation at work. It's not that I don't know what to do - it's just I'm not sure how to execute this time around. I THROW MYSELF TO THE MERCY OF THE COURT! Please bistow up me guidance oh denizens of the gamequitters fourm!
  15. Its a bit tricky when you first start, but at time goes on you start to climb over the wall. If you can make it to 21 days your'e on a path down easy street, in 90 days you're in golden city.
  16. Question. What do you do when you're really into a game or two and want to stop gaming but are very much compelled to do so because of the habititual nature of it?
  17. Hey guys, I noticed that noFap and game compulsion are connected in some way. I've seens a few other threads mentioning throwing in nofap while getting away from games. I wonder why this is the case,,, As to be on topic with this thread, I do agree that porn really does mess with a lot of natural stuff. However masturbation in healthy doses is perfectly normal and is realitive to the individual. I'd say, no porn - no problem.
  18. Hello Robin, I've done 110 days myself (just about 3.5 months roughtly), so I can relate to your struggles. I went back to games last year sometime Februry. I guess for me it was different. I did my meditation and took better care of myself (sleeping habit was waaay better), but I guess for me I thought I could go back and not get trapped. But that of course wasn't the case. For me it was like I was on the otherside of the fence. Games to me felt like a waste of time. At the time I was converting all the energy I would have spent gaming on my business designing board games, so I guess, for me it worked. But for you, I'd consider diging back into your meditation and trying to focus on why you wanted to stop in the first place. Sure you can say that it was the better yourself, but it appears to me the stress of continuing your betterment lead you to short-circuit of sorts. Try not to place so much stress on the aspect of achievements. Maybe this was something you pursued in games? Were you an Achievement hunter in WoW or elsewhere? Most importantly - don't think about your new good habits as gone. Consider this a checkpoint of sorts. If you've been gaming for a long, long time. It's going to take some trial and error. If you come up with anything in regards to reaccuring your motivation, let me know because I can use some pointers myself haha. You got this.
  19. Hey guys, I've been in like a quitting limbo. I haven't really played anything really. When I go to I just get depressed and quit out anyway. I just got back from an event mostly for my company close to DC. It's a Music and Video games Festival but they have a rather large board game presence as well. Long story short the festival wasn't that great this year. Usually I socialize A LOT with a bunch of friends and new people, but for whatever reason that didn't happen this year. I ended up mostly working showing off a game I've been working on for two years now, but unfortunately I have yet to provide the advertisements I need to really get more attention. As there was a bunch of video games around, I just felt, for whatever reason like I didn't want to play. It was like this odd grey feeling. All in all, I spent pretty much the remaining money I had for this trip. I'm broke, just put in my two weeks at my job, and I currently feel like this is rock bottom. I've left my job for other reasons in regards to that job but still, I'm not sure what to do to get on with my life for the better. Hope you guys are fairing better! -Oct
  20. I really need to quit. Like really. There's absolutely zero good I'm getting in my life right now because of games. It's a constricting feeling. I felt way more at ease and free when I wasn't playing. I mean, I substituted games for Board Games but it doesn't do the same thing that Video games do to me. I'm having a really really hard time getting away from it this time around, I guess because I have a game that I'm playing more so than usual, opposed when I quit last year and didn't have anything. I need to just quit again.
  21. Hey guys, I'm checking back in to say that I'm stuck. I can't stop playing Overwatch. I've been playing it competitively and I know it's a waste of time but I can't get out of the loop. What do I do here? I feel after the failure of my kickstarter, I really need to get my head out of the ground. I am far more productive when I don't play games. I'm all ??? for what to do currently. Best, Oct
  22. Hey guys, I just wanted to share something I thought may help some of you that are currently trying to stop playing video games. It's a little ironic, but for me, I'm a game designer. I don't make video games but board games / card games rather. It's by far a great medium for playing games than video games because there's a point when you physically cannot play for long periods of time. Anyhow. I'm currently running a kickstarter for my current project. It's a storytelling party game anyone one can pick up and play. I don't want this to seem like I'm selling it here and just promoting my Kickstarter, but rather showing the things you can do when we are not so distracted by video games. I made this in part while I was 110 days free of gaming. Check it out and let me know your thoughts! --> Everything Makes Sense at the End. <-- Be well! -Oct.
  23. I've quit before for 110 days so it's a little werid for me this time. I agree that I should ease up a bit though. I didn't think to come here instead of my core group. Next time I should start here and go from there instead! Thanks for your support guys !
  24. Hey guys, Quitting this time around has been interesting. I'm back to day one. I was a day away from 30 but I had hit rock bottom. I couldn't take any more stress and just needed to reach out to people online. What had happened was that this month has been pretty slow for me at work so my general cash flow has been slow making this Stresser one. Stresser two: My 'core' group of friends has been not necessarily toxic, but negative in regards when I've been trying to reach out to socialize. They've recently been playing more video games as well. Moslty family members and close. old friends. Stresser three: I'm launching a kickstarter this month and it feels like I haven't done as much work as I have been for it. All this came crashing down on my a week / week and a half ago where I just logged in to 'hang' out with people I knew. Now I don't wish to keep playing games, but when I do I try my best to distance myself from them as best as I can. I understand that I've used Video games in the past to unwind and destress in the past, but that's no longer acceptable. I will give myself this one as, to be honest I was at a pretty low point with all these factors looming. On a possitive note I'm actually looking forward to what the future may hold for once! Guess I'll have to wait and see. Be well guys! -Oct
  25. Hey gang, currently 26 days in. Feeling better as each da y continunes on. As my interest in being in the company of others has changed, I find it quite annoying that people will play games and completely shun out. But I guess this is the part Cam dicussed in regards to friends who game and those priorties having differences. Day 30 for me in 4 days!