destoroyah

You haven't learned to live. Some days I am thankful for every breath I can take. And there is nothing special. No girlfriends, no drugs, nothing that grants me pleasure... nothing, just me and the absence of a myriad of bad things that serve as a measure of how good my life is just by having food and a rooftop. And thrash metal. Uh. Value? No one has value. Nothing has value. Value is just a concept we invented. You can put value into sand at the beach or your feces. I put value into every breath I take, that's a good start. How do you know that that is good? Someone told you? Hehe, think about it. Good luck on your path, I'll check up on you if I find the muse and time. Oh.. and also, pathways only exist because people walk. Without motion, there'd be no path. The absence of a decision is also a decision.

and my own poem is wrong too! GAS CØMPRESSION SPRING "Just how many lives I must have borne office chaired demising my soul" –destoroyah So much filler now!

Hahaha. Yea. Fuck the system.

Haha, Pierce on fireee on the dancefloor! Let go! You are really only ever yourself when dancing. Too bad I look so freaking goofy when doing it. Hope you got fun.

Whoa thanks for pushing me back! So many kind words, it's really helping me recover from that exam result. @Schwing Nice new avatar, I like Guts!! He has just the right spirit. Too bad he can't kill the demons in his head... Yea that's what it is. When I started my education, I didn't know what I wanted. I am now almost done with uni as a mechanical engineer, but the last stretch feels so long and frustrating. I'm kind of too old to still be sitting in classrooms, where everyone has to take a break every 45 minutes because the room smells like fart. I'm not saying I am omniscient, or that I got all that "down" what they teach me, but I'm so tired of listening anyways. It's the format of education that sucks and I can't change it. I can't quit either now, I'm too far, but I just shout and scream in my mind all day. I get furious inside like a caged gorilla, I could just bend the bars and tear the world up, but I need to stay in the cage and endure their ceremonies to get my treat. Frustrating. So my purpose is lost on the way somewhere. I don't know what my purpose is behind those bars, but for now I choose a new purpose every day - to not go insane. Maybe that's too ADHD, but my mind is... well I quickly assess things, "get the hang", but I don't like practicing all day. I do what I do, and if I don't like it, I do something else. I believe all knowledge is connected, a drummer can be a good golf player - because he has learnt body control and to weave motions with gravity. I try to master all things that I admire or deem useful, and it's been a good way of living personally, but professionally you don't get anywhere. They don't want an engineer that's OK at engineering and OK at philosophy, wisdom, english, drawing, music, tinkering, sports, ... no. They want an engineer that's GOOD at engineering. And all the feedback I ever get from that conglomerate is that I'm mediocre on a good day. I'm not just this one skill!! I can do more than OK, if you don't bind me up in concrete. But no one gives a shit. I'd like a lecture about Physics to include a walk through the forest. It would bring me pleasure seeing all these academic characters in another scenario outside their comfort zone. As they are, humans, imperfect - and that's OK! Learn to live with being imperfect, don't try to be perfect or to uphold a mirage such as omniscience. It doesn't exist, there is no perfect circle. People often say that only young minds can be dynamic and flexible, but I don't believe that is true. It's just that everlasting routine that makes older people "unlearn" being flexible. They do the same shit 24/7 for decades, of course they are only good at that then. This everlasting education is not what I wanted in this world though. It feels so depriving. I'm out of place, I don't want to be seen. I hope I just get the hang of studying soon. Something good must happen someday, eh? I've already watched many videos by Elliot Hulse, many moons ago, also this one. But yea, the guy has some nice ideas to get yourself psyched! (from Wolfenstein, forgive me, but... Ach I just dig the zeitgeist from the 90s gaming industry. And slayer. Fuckn' SLAYER) Sure it only makes me a material slave, but... if I surround myself with shitty material, my thoughts start revolving around it. It gets to you someday. You might not notice, you might laugh at its first attempts to catch you, but one day it has crept up your spine into your mind. Be wary what you spend time with and where, you will assimilate someday. That's why - keep mobile and nimble if you can and if it feels good to you. Play guitar AND draw AND do sports AND listen to metal AND write AND whatever it is you want. @Pierce Haha!! Yea I need to get back on "the way". When shit hits the fan, I always forget where I am and how I got there, but I just stare at brown particles spread everywhere. Need to recollect my armor scattered on the ground, and sew its holsters. Lick my wounds, reapply my war paint, sharpen my blades and gaze at the setting sun as if it was the last occasion – as if I were the only person to really understand and appreciate its beauty. These next days I'll be sure to get back into my battle-groove, thanks to you, and who knows, maybe I can make a point some day. I'm also glad your feet are sunk in the same swampy shit as mine are, the wading becomes so much more bearable when you can share your laughs and tears. Though I would never wish anyone this fate or try to get anyone to join. Anyone that is in it, is in it because the circumstances fell so or they chose it. There is no better reason to be anywhere, we are clear of fakeass shit. Now let me scoop some of this around and see if "the path" is somewhere down there. @KDY Wow! You read all that? That makes me feel very honored! Thinking of my style as a firehose blowing heads away with concentrated kinetic energy is a good way to start any day. The good spelling is probably derived from autocorrect – I'm sad to admit, no credit to me! Hah. Recently I've gotten some positive feedback on my writing from a couple of people, I must be careful not to fall into a hubris, but it feels very good and always incites a spirit in me to keep writing and fighting for my beliefs (or non-beliefs). I found an old Haiku of mine and posted it in your thread. To write haiku, a certain emotional state is necessary, so I can't promise to ever get back to it, but if I do, I'll know where to go. Writing a book? Haha, I'll be sure to tell... I will need to work on some basic writing techniques though... and that'd be a load of work, but who knows, I might be amused to, when life kicks me in the groin and my passive death wish needs to be banished into letters to call myself a survivor (which happens every now and then, and then some). I currently have little time to tinker with my keyboards, but what I really need are mechanical switches and clicky buttons. As a kid I was always hacking away on an old typewriter from grandpa, I just loved the sounds those things made. Every single one of them, the "click", the "thump", the "crrrrr" and the "ping". I have this odd audiophile passion, where I am content with things if they "sound good", and as an engineer when actually working as a mechanic that ear is my best bet on finding all the problems, I hog them boxes like Spider-Man with my ears close up to them. Machines purr when they run well, and I have this odd passion of making things purr. Be it cats, dogs, doors or dishwashers. A wavy-ergonomic model usually does not get fabricated with mechanical switches, but I have not checked your site yet I must admit, as I need to get to my cleaning routine soon and don't have the time, but I bookmarked it. Maybe I can get inspired to try something new, which is always a good thing and I like funky peripherals, thank you. Marcus Aurelius sounds pretty kickass, I'll be sure to try and find a hardcopy by George Long. Archaic sounds good, archaic never dies! Sadly, my French sucks, so I can't drop by your journal, but feel free to comment on mine, I always try to drop a line. Really got to go, keep strong guys, never surrender and be viscous!!... uh vicious!! VICIOUS!!

Nice, I counted the syllables, seems to fit! Good luck killing that nasty rat! Or get a trackball, haha GAS CØMPRESSION SPRING "How many lives I've borne office chaired demising my soul" –destoroyah

ENTRY #28 - DAY 53: Gaaaah! I failed that exam. Regret regret regret all over the place. How could I??? Last semester I wrote like 6 (?.. it was many.) exams, with three of them being multiple subjects. I found a job, I was working part time at least once a week, took part in everything, a flatmate moved out and I organised almost everything on my own, I even fixed the washing machine!!!, I did multiple projects and took the leading position, and passed them all plus the exams. This semester I write 2 (!!!) exams, I virtually can not fail one of them, and I fail the other. ARGH!! I had NOTHING else to do!! The stupidity. If I just hadn't fallen sick. If... if ifififififififi... Ach fuck this, I want to choke someone. Need to be careful not to hang myself the next couple of days. This is so stupid. It costs me 6 months maybe, I'm too old for this shit. Shit! Damn. Why... I feel so bad... ah but it's only temporary. Buckle up destoroyah, this is nothing. I have regret for breakfast and dinner every day, the system can go fuck itself. I need to work harder... AGAIN. And I gotta work tomorrow, and the week after and then some. It's going to be sorta stressful, I don't have time feeling sorry for myself and there is no one to consolidate me. Boohoo. What a shame. It's really sad. I'm about to cry a river "My life is so terrible, my life is so terrible", psh. Stupidass useless feelings. Regret. Yo nature, why'd ya come up with that one? IT SUCKS!! I just ignore it. I don't learn from regret, you stupid world. Regret isn't a stab-wound or a concussion, it's those whimsical tears on my cushion that I just forget. But yea, take the time to feel regret, don't close myself. Feel shitty today, so that my heart remains true. I'll dedicate this day to sadness. I just don't want to feel sorry for myself. I'm stupid, I get what I deserve. The cicumstances weren't on my side, but... well I could've seen it coming, if I hadn't been so busy "not playing video games". Dafuq, how can that even consume time? I need to identify reasons why I failed. Give me a jiffy I didn't start studying soon enough (as usual)I had a flu for like 2 weeks before the exam (fatal!)I didn't pack my bag right for the exam (whyyyyyyy)I made a simple but grave mistake during the exam, I forgot transferring a "delta phi" from one page to the other. I noticed extremely late, because I wasn't into the subject enough.I never went to the lectures (because they are only offered during summer semester) FUCK ME!!! I'm an idiot. If I had packed my bag differently that day, I would've passed. "Coping with failure" is my second name. It's the theme of my life. Living with the wrong decisions, using the momentum of a trainwreck as a means of transportation. I really need to meet up with some people to talk to, managing myself is becoming rather tedious. Some feedback by someone on my level would be nice, but nooo they're all above and below me!! Either 5-10 years younger or 10+ older. What the hell. Where are the people my age??? Oh right, if they aren't busy falling in my back, dragging me down they are done with uni and doing some work shit, considering themselves "grown up" and "important" inciting the urge in me to smash their face in. Wasting their money flying to a remote island consuming drugs and re-enacting the scenes they saw in comics during their youth. YO FUCK YOU, give me your money and stop causing useless emissions on the planet. Gaaaah!! I hate this world today. ... and I've been hating it this whole week!! Shitty weather!! Rainy and windy all week, what the fuck, I get cold feet just looking outside. Fuck this shit. I don't want to spend my time on this earth ruminating about some crap society has pushed on me AFTER GIVING ME NOTHING FOR ALL MY YOUTH. "Don't be so unthankful destoroyah" - sure, I'd be thankful for some good memories. Oh, you gave me none, you conveyed me not a single method on how to cope with this shit AND you unload your problems on me - and I have to lick them up like a good doggy. "It's your own fault, you are your own life's architect" - yo that's what I'm living, and sometimes I just can't take it. If I had been my own life's architect I'd be chilling on some island in a hammock eating bananas and coconuts all day. I would've built a raft to get there. I'm not lying, that's just what I do. I don't want your "dream". I don't want your comfort. I'd be fine being a man-ape in the jungle, being eaten by a tiger, if I had grown up that way. At least shit would be real, I'd piss myself in fear for actual reasons, and not this weirdass "construct" we have developed. I don't want no light bulbs and electricity and shit. And the word psychology is a shitty excuse for the mind's processes. Your language is an error made that keeps people from caressing each other and just sleeping in comfort as we need to. I have a constant inner monologue going on, and it's made up of the words you put there. Get your agenda straight, and get out of my head. I don't want to be part of your fucking chimaera. I want to burn and choke you and eat your flesh. Or something real. And not "talk about it". What the fuck. "Sophisticated human beings", yea whatever, if we were in touch with nature more, we'd call this sort of life "Slave of meaningless". I would NEVER put that on a person, putting effort into something and failing. Just nothing. Like what the fuck. No consequences, no words. I hate this unthankful piece of shit world, I really hate it. If the wind blows over my house, OK! I accept it. No hard feelings. If the wolf eats my sheep, OK! Accept it. But failing an exam is so fucking retarded. I didn't build anything. I tried my best to adhere YOUR rules. I repeat: YOUR RULES. THE RULES YOU CREATED WITH YOUR PIECE OF SHIT MIND, THAT I NEVER APPROVED. Not the laws of nature or any shit, your shitty shit. YOUR SHIT. I hate your shit. It fuckn Suks man, go eat a bag of dicks and choke on it to death. I hate this shit, stupid... I don't fit in there, I don't wanna clean your shit. I wanna get out of here and live on the country in Texas with a shotgun. Trespassers will be shot and laughed at. Trespassers will need to adhere MY rules, or be shot to death. Yea, that's what I want. I don't wanna taste your shit nomore, I've been hating it since day one, and shitty laws prevent me from telling you that you fucking suck, prevent me from punching you in the face for being a tyrant that forces his shit on people. GAARRR!! HATE HATE HATE. I need to vent my anger... I miss playing the Doom mod "Brutal Doom". I miss playing the sub mod for that, "Brutal Doom: Project Brutality", while listening to Slayer - War Ensemble. While chainsmoking and drinking beer, escaping the world tenfold. Killing myself, but feeling good, as if my body was meant to do that. As if self-destruction adheres to some law of nature. Feeling just and correct in abiding it. I miss that. I miss all those things I had to give up, to "fit". To be a "good man". Like what for? No one ever thanked me for it... I never created anything of use. The only thing it spares is the guilt of not living my potential. But fuck potential, it's just something people came up with to project guilt into peoples hearts. Making them feel bad for being as they are, giving uprise to the need to change... Shit. Fuck this. I'm being stupid. Making stupid excuses. Being infantile, directing my anger at things unsolvable. This will pass. Like everything. Maybe it will pass before my life passes, maybe it won't. I shouldn't care which one it is, it doesn't matter anyways. I'll remain standing anyways, and I'll keep walking anyways. Like an undead. For no reason. Without knowing why and what for. Probably sex, but sex is overrated. As is everything I've ever seen, had and tasted - except thrash metal and the feeling of turning the tides despite all chances. I think that's all that is there, and the latter thing only lasts a blink. When the wave is at its climax, its turning point, all forces die down and you feel your strength for a split second. True power.

But only half an hour! I'm kidding. I'm kidding. It was a joke!!

ENTRY #27 - DAY 52: I have become an artfag. All I do is draw This is called "Oni motherfuckers from Hell." I cursed the pic. Don't look at it.

Uhm. Let me refrain: You see, if they aren't weighed right, you are screwed. If you don't have the power to buy something for 200$ without talking to 5 people how can you fulfill the responsibility to ensure that every worker is wearing safety equipment? You become a scapegoat. Maybe you understand now, it isn't just about "slacking", sorry if I made my points to humerous, they were rather real. And I do apply some of them at work. I disagree, this is exactly the type of thinking that will get you unhappily stuck with a shitty job. Also, what is a "real" job? I'd rather be a chilled janitor than a stressed business man any day. And people that then tell me that "I don't have a real job" I'd tell them to go fuck themselves and plan out how I graffiti their garage. Judge mentality only creates reasonless conflict and in this day and age, everyone has to look out not to work too much. No offense, but that made me kind of mad.

Dude, just start applying. It'll take months, but you'll find something. Don't quit your job though, hold on to it till you have something. Write up your curriculum vitae, and if you've seen Microsoft Word, say you're excellent at it. And Excel. And customer talk and... I dunno... English? Should be enough qualifications for something new. Probably not fulltime - unless as a service technician, they'll take ya maybe. But you gotta collect experience somehow. Get more jobs under your hat for 2+ years (for each) and then you get to be something. Uni, Apprenticeship, evening classes are also an option. Just keep the job and go to uni. If you think you are too old or not good enough - ya don't get any younger, or better like that. No one cares about it, if you don't care. I wouldn't even mention it anywhere. Just see to it that the curriculum vitae has no empty spaces and keep it real but use elaborate vocabulary. And I found no mental issues. Don't assume those, that drags you down. Unless you get that feedback from friends and family.

ENTRY #26 - DAY 47: I started drawing again, as a means to express my feelings. This is my magnum opus so far. Tits called: "Your dead mother". Thank you for reading.

Put as much into it as you can, if it's exhausting you grow more. If you have a bad day, just maintain and go easy. If you have a good day, go all out on repetitions (safe) - or weight / speed (not so safe). And mind, if you really have a shitty day, just do halfass training at 50%, that's still better than giving up on it or having no fun longterm! When I've been sick or lazy, I always re-enter at 50% not to harm myself. Injury has to be avoided at all costs, it's a shame when you go all out on a good day and screw a tendon or a joint and have to stay away from training for weeks. So always start out just below what you think you can handle. Repetition is the safest route. As a beginner I'd go 30 repetitions with very low weight for 2-3 months (not shitting) with a heavy focus on torso and legs. A body needs to be built from the ground up. If you don't have back, legs and abdominal muscles trained, you're fucked when going for shoulders, neck, biceps and triceps with heavy weight due to a risk for back injury. I can give you a noob plan, but it's from 2004ish, so it might not be what current science dictates (but they always change their minds anyways and want to sell weird products which fuck your kidneys - just my opinion, take care).

I find out by feeling unhappy and enjoying nothing. Having no ambitions and listening to shitty music. And self sorrow, but I've sworn to never feel sorry for myself, it's unconstructive and puts you into "victim" mentality. Countering burnouts (or pretty much anything): I maintain the bare minimum and lower my expectations and try to hang in there.If I got a job, I need to be sure that my duties, responsibilities and competences are clearly defined. The frame of my tasks needs to be very clear, to not get pushed around by other people into stuff I don't need doing. I'd take that to my boss, and if he doesn't understand, I'd start looking for a new job. But most of the time, I'd look for a new job, cause when shit has crept that far without me noticing it's often FUBAR and I wouldn't have the psychological integrity in a burnout situation to untangle that mess. Maybe taking a holiday would be necessary to attempt untangling - to reset my perspective.Therapy and telling other people is a necessary step, before things get out of hand. Tell my boss of course. If he doesn't care, I will be sure to look for a new job because I wouldn't risk shit for such a person. And if I gotta be a waitress, I don't care.I would maybe hire a housekeeper. I would in fact spend all my money, to ensure that I have as much time for myself as possible. I don't want to worry about anything stupid during a burnout.I would only sleep, eat and do sports besides working, to ensure that my body gets what he needs. The body is just as important as the mind. I wouldn't even watch TV or some crap like that. I always sleep 8-10 hours during critical times. And I always do sports at least twice a week for 2 hours. In a working week, I thus have never more than 2 hours to "bullshit around". If I gotta do sports I eat something meaty during work, to ensure I'm not "drained" when coming home.I would write a journal "I can't do this I can't do this My life is so terrible, mommy, mommy", would be its contents. After 2 weeks its contents would be "%§$%&/%"§$%-\### hate hate hate". Aggression is always good.I would try to find out which person at work raises my heartrate or which material and do everything to avoid them/that.Maybe I'd meditate, but I'd probably listen to heavy metal. The sickest I can find. I had a time when I listened to death metal quietly while sleeping. It was brutal and cool!Preventing burnouts: choose your job carefullytalk to other people about it, find out "whats normal"talk to colleaguesmaintain a sense of humor at all times, or be rude to people (being rude usually means you have to work less)work less, consider getting a job with shorter hourswork lessyou can't lift things since the "incident"if you can, delegate stupid tasks to trainees, and if they're dumb, teach themmaintain a healthy relationship with people that got your back and do shit for you (trainees)try to be interested in their boring shit. If they talk about a movie - go watch it, and tell them it sucks, or something. They'll be happy because you "care". If they have a hobby, try it for yourself. Invite them to dinner if... well if you got a place and can cook. Otherwise: Alcohol (I don't drink tho)don't get persuaded by women to do favors for them (forget it!!). never fish at the companies dock.put a plant in the office and change your desktop backgroundorganize office to be more efficient, don't spend 10 hrs searching crapIf you don't know whats up - throw it in the bin. You'd be surprised how little problems get back from there. I'm serious.try out new outfitsevery time there is stress, start by drinking coffeeif the telephone rings, count down 10 seconds. If they hang up before, it wasn't important. Nice bonus: people think you're busy.never look into your mailbox fridays and saturdays, bills stress you out over the weekendunsuspiciously find out what can get you fired. do all sortsa crazy shit except that.if someone talks to a whole room, look like you're doing something extremely importantin fact: always look like you're doing something extremely importantwear fucked up clothes and listen to heavy metal, if you can. But never tell anyone what bands you really listen to, you got band shirts for that. I often wear my slayer shirt to the office. It's rad.never blame other people for your fuck ups, just conceal them and pretend it wasn't you. Even if there's proof, pretend like you don't know or completely forgot.in fact: always forget thingsstudy samurai codices and ancient chinese philosophy on trainridesdon't marryI got many moreJust some tips from a pro-slacker. Oh and remember: getting fired is OK, getting crazy is not! And: You always have a choice.

Welcome. Yea, forget time for now. It only adds pressure. Focus on quitting gaming, and find out what step to take next. Every moment counts, like in a car accident when you have that "omfg" moment. You could start studying again in another field. If you play it right you can still be a good bachelor with 30-something. If that's not your thing, try to get some shitty job (anything will do) to gather experience. And don't feel ashamed for selling burgers or serving people, everybody starts there - or something like that. Other people are not good for comparisons, since many only do tell the good things about themselves. Buying a house is cool, but don't worry, some people lose their house in a hurricane or a fire. So when someone buys a house, it's good, when it burns, it's bad. If there is no house bought, it's nothing. That's pretty neutral in my book. Could be worse, eh? Thinking of yourself as a failure is rather unproductive, you will only develop a swampy behind. So if there is some fighting spirit left in ya, try standing, taking responsibility and action. Taking control over simple crap first, like householding and cooking, to gather some skills for a couple of months. And then step out. Or whatever suits ya, it's your life. Good luck.

ENTRY #25 - DAY 46: I did some art today. And uh... I don't know what else. I think I was just listening to heavy metal. Like seriously, I wasn't surfin or watching videos. I was just listening to heavy metal and playing air-guitar. Is that a past-time? Does that count??

Depression is a matter of perception, tend some flames, watch them burn and see the world in a different light. You are never alone, the sun is massive. If you have no friends, enemies will do! I've always preferred mercy over betrayal on the receiving end, with enemies change is your friend.

@Pierce I'm a student in mechanical engineering. ENTRY #24 - DAY 45: Every time I postponed my Linux installation, I gathered another relic to help me start. Today, after 2 of my CDs 0x80004005'ed on me, I burned it on a DVD. I'm hoarding everything, reducing the thinking required, lowering the threshold, so I can impulsively jump the gun any time. Building totems reminding me to overcome tedious tasks. I'll need my laptop with windows in my back to cover the flanks at the valley of the clueless with mighty searchfoo, luckily I got 3 more Monitors and some mice and keyboards to ensure peripheral coverage. My room will be messy for some while, sleeping on PCBs as a neo-fakir - faced with command lines like hacker Neo. But for now my focal point is training. I have stopped eating 2 meals in the evening, presuming it is a bad habit. My right elbow tendons seem to be irritated, I am tending them with horse balm. I presume it's from sitting at the computer for too long during work and then leisure. Another factor is that I have recently been upping my weights and changed my training plan, the additional force could also cause it. I need to tread lightly as not to get a chronic problem. Trackball isn't saving me, though it's still an improvement. I ordered some gun oil, to reduce the friction of the trackball, Ballistol. Got some more things to lube as well, squeaking doors at my workplace - that piss me off, and my yoyo. I like it when my things run silent and smooth. WD40 seems to be more of a dirt attractant - only useful for de-rusting metal, and only if you give it a good wipe afterwards. The oil can also be used to lube my locks for better picking. I still haven't found any cheap ones to practice with though. I'm not willing to spend 10€ for a badly fabricated practice lock, I should be able to get one used somewhere for less - or even free. Psychosomatic is the best band ever. Favorite track is currently "Skatan Worshipper", on the album "Unquenchable Thirst", it's only 2 minutes long, it makes me want to drink a beer on ex and smash the bottle on the ground while giving off a warcry. I'll never drink anymore, but the thought of that still is cool. Should get started on my routine for today.

If you're thinking about something so often... it's probably worth a shot. The sooner you hit or miss the better, do it, while you are still young and agile! And pay heed to what @Simms said. You should do the cut accordingly and keep the way back open, studying is just about "hanging in there" + "getting up again" and not about being good or bad enough. I see idiots with bachelors and masters all over, because they are too stupid to realize that they are dumb. I'm one of them... soon!! Soon soooooon! Haha. So maybe return one day, you might see things differently and not feel so bad about yourself, after having achieved something. Let all your strikes land in critical zones! Oh and yea, get this book: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zhuangzi_(book) it's pretty rad, no gods, no religion - just stories fun to read. It's making me smile on a daily basis, because I can relate so much with its spirit! I'm not too far into it, but it seems to pun at that "nothingness inside" you have been trying to achieve, without the dogmaticism known from Lao-Tse. Zhuangzi was a punk, in a good way! Haha.

ENTRY #23 - DAY 45: I still am procrastinating. By writing here... by browsing on the web, watching videos. That's why I'll keep it short today and try to actually do something!! PS: @200+ characters / minute with DVORAK finally. Able to write fairly persistent now. It's still slow, and error prone, but usable under stress.

I also have the problem with internet usage. Watching YouTube, surfing, even hanging in the forums here... It's just as bad as gaming when you break it down, nevertheless I'm feeling changes. Quitting gaming has instilled some odd hunger in me to do something active. It's not where I should be yet, but I feel that I'm closer to where I wanted to be. I believe I can unearth it somehow, if I endure it long enough and occasionally force myself to try and break that frame I've spent setting up the past years. Maybe you can break it with meditation... or maybe you should do something more active. Go for a hike or pick up a new hobby. What's stopping you? Is there nothing? I'm so glad the limits gaming has imposed on me are gone. I don't need to spend all my money on it anymore. I got more time. I don't need to google how to get some retarded item. I don't need the software environment or peripherals. I got more space in my room, my shelves are free of cartridges and cdroms. I can hang up different posters. Get some decent clothes and read a book. Reading is good, why dontcha? Always seemed the bookworm to me! Get a book and go into a café, don't fall in love with the waitress, but with the sound of peoples feet hitting the street. Cook something. Solve a riddle. I just printed some nonogramms - it's like picross or minesweeper on paper, that's pretty cool for 10 minutes a day. Listen to some music. Read a newspaper. Make some music. Get a shitty keyboard for 20$ and start playing. Start painting. Fuck I dunno, start writing a novel, do a course on "how the fuck to...". Get into photography. Go on a Flea market. Go to some random lecture. Get into politics. There's enough shit to do. I got so much shit on my mind, my online time is sinking - like the titanic hit by an iceberg. Its draft is killing all the survivors. Brutal!! Decrapio tried hangin on, but the sucka froze to death! About time he drew his last breath, that movie was shit from scene one - watched it on VCD, now ya know where I'm coming from. Hated it back then and still do. It just wasn't the shit I was built to... watch. Uh... I need to stop writing. I gotta go work tomorrow. Cya.

Haha. Maybe be something cooler than a toaster!

ENTRY #22 - DAY 42: Whoa, this is so whack. I just found out I'm running a German niche dvorak layout. FUCK! I was going for international compatibility and now this. On a German QWERTY keyboard, two letters are exchanged, Y and Z (because the Y practically rarely occurs in german, but the Z is quite important, totally opposite to the english language), hence the name QWERTZ. Well that's common knowledge to most Germans. On a German DVORAK keyboard 4 letters are exchanged vs an ANSI US layout. And 2 of those letters are on the home row, which makes it a completely different keyboard. The German layout focuses greatly on D and R, while the American on T and H. Not surprising when you think about it, since the T and H occur quite often together in the English language, and the are super simple to execute on DVORAK, even easier than E+R on QWERTY, as they are both on home-row. So I got my own super-niche layout. It's like niche of the niche man! But okay, if I put up with shit to be there, I might as well go all the way. The additional effort is marginal and on Windows 10 it's no problem to create your own layout. BUT on the installation of Arch Linux... You cannot load this German DVORAK layout from default. I'm royally fucked, and I'll need to ghost this. I'll need to program my own layout, since only british and spanish ISO (big enter key) layouts even exist, and the default files only include ANSI (small enter key). Luckily I have a hardwired German DVORAK Keyboard. It gets detected as a standard ISO German keyboard (which is pretty much supported by any OS), but has the buttons hardwired differently, so that the letters are mixed up in the hardware thru different wiring (or a micro-controller). Sadly it's a rubber dome keyboard, which is about as cheap as it gets. It's a fucking piece of trash!!! I have been using it at work, because it requires no installation and no software fuckups ever occur. It's very reliable in that department. So... why all this writing? Well I got a thought lingering. I have seen videos on YouTube, where geeks put together mechanical keyboards on their own, soldering the switches themselves. They do this for fun and micro-optimization. They mentioned that it is possible to "flash" some keyboards. The layout must be stored in memory in some models, and it should be possible to change it somehow. Ehehehe. So it got me thinking, my keyboard probably isn't differently wired, but differently flashed. In production it would be easier to change the software on a chip, than to select a different circuit board, right? So this is probably how all these ISO varieties (German, Spanish, English, ...) come to be. So... if I can find out, how to flash my ROM, or exchange the chip, I should be good to go. I'll have the best of both worlds. I'll officially run German QWERTY ISO on all operating systems, but actually have a DVORAK layout stored in the keyboard for execution. Wow, that'd be the first "hacking" I'd do in life. I hope it's easy, as I have no clue on any of this. My knowledge on electronics and programming is less than "amateur". What an odd journal post... but abstaining from gaming has brought this forth. I've begun tinkering with things... Feels good! EDIT: OK. I came up/found 3 methods to do this hack a) re-flash or exchange the microcontroller that is responsible for sending the keypress signals via USB (clean, fairly safe, repeatable/undoable) b) create a PCB with eagle and let it get made in china (cheap) and install it (hardware exchange, fairly cheap, only works for one keyboard, requires knowledge of "eagle" and electronics - A LOT OF EFFORT, but project-wise the most impressive method and fun) (note: holy shit, this is science, even for a shitty keyboard consisting only of switches) c) rewire (sloppy, error-prone, easy,almost no knowledge required, the "neanderthalic" way of doing it, I could start with execution right now, I would still learn something basic soldering and cable management) EDIT EDIT: Okay, some keyboards have two PCBs use a big flat cable to transmit signals from the button PCB to the USB controller PCB. This is where I'll hack, it's probably easy to pack another PCB in there with two flat wire connectors that mix up the lanes. fairly safe too, as I am not really touching existing hardware!! EDIT EDIT EDIT: Alright, I ordered another hardwired DVORAK keyboard for 13€. I intend to disassemble and inspect it. The manufacturer has stopped making these, so they are kind of a rarity now. I got the last one on eBay for this fair price. EDIT EDIT EDIT EDIT: Okay. I also came up with this: d) create a usb device that translates my keyboard inputs into different inputs, which I can hook between PC and keyboard. It has to be hardware though, no software, to not lag.

ENTRY #21 - DAY 41: My keycaps arrived today. Whoa, it looks pretty hacked. Now I just need to learn actual hacking. Give me a couple of decades... It feels nice typing on this, and I'm not as confused anymore looking at wrongly printed letters. I just need to make some adjustments to my own layout, so I can use shortcuts like "Crtl+C" on the correct letters again - I somehow forgot to implement all these into my layout, and now they're in the QWERTZ layout, so I'm like running a mix. Still learning the number rows... and it's a chore. But luckily they are the same as QWERTZ, so I guess they can stay for now. I will swap them out too eventually, but I think it looks good like this. I have great difficulties typing single-handedly or searching single keys while standing. When I enter my windows-password, I always need to sit down and put all 10 fingers on the keys like a bible-student. It's uncool!! I hope these peripheral things improve as well (I feel that they do). Elsewise I feel like a hack though. No one can use my computer, cause QWERTZ isn't even installed, and they wouldn't know which key to press. Another good step to alienating myself... it has already been suggested by a relative of mine that I'm an outsider, because I actively pursue things like this. That I am alone, because deep inside I strive to be. That could be true... but in all honesty, I wish there were more people like me out there who "do their own thing". Sure it's weird in a way, but I think it's stupid to take everything for granted. And seeing shit like this is surely inspiring, even if it may be deemed stupid - at least it's not the sameness over and over and over again. To live is to change. If you don't change, you're not alive. If you don't question the things passed down to you, you won't change. But this generation is in dire need of change. The battle of the sexes has reached a pinnacle, there are no more gender-roles, no more rules to obey, but still the fewest have the courage to define themselves. To go out there and do their thing, without being ashamed or scared. The internet is another giant step for humanity that has drastically changed how this world works, but many people - including me - have withdrawn to sitting behind monitors all day. Google is your truth, the answer for all your questions but thinking on your own is a skill unpracticed. No new gender roles - but no new answers for the vacuum they left behind. No spirit, because we're all hypnotized. No human interaction. Another thing that will define this generation is the decline of fossil-fuels. Something that will bring about great conflict, unless we manage the switch to regenerative energy sources. And then there's this globalization thing going on, fanatics and global warming and whatnot. It's war out there between humans and humans and humans and themselves and humans against the decline of nature. Some of these wars are pretty silent though and most people are busy looking at their screens for answers. We are freer than ever, yet we all do the same shit. I don't want this. I don't wanna be part of that shit. I want to get out and away. I sorta have been "out and away" in games, but closing myself up has helped nothing. I don't want to change the world, but I'd be happy if I'd get to push some people into thinking and doing something greater. Question the given facts and the system. I know I'm no punk-hero, or a warrior of thrash. My words are greater than myself for the most part, and deep down I'm just a kid that hasn't developed accordingly because it was distorted into 2-dimensionality. Just another loser that spent decades getting to level 60... sitting on a pile of shit that he calls life, because he has been sleeping since he can remember. Waking up from that dream doesn't feel good, but I know I will never go back to sleep again. My heart won't let me. It hasn't taken a breath for a long time, and it's now awake and restless. My next step, and I have been talking more than doing - but I need to convince myself because it's a big one - will be switching to Linux. Fuck I'm stuck, it's a big leap with many disadvantages. Windows is so cozy... but Linux is the only way to go. It's that other step necessary to get away from this drowsy hypnotization. It's not just an OS, it's a way of life, and I need to be aware of that like a motherfucker, or I won't last an hour. And I for sure as fuck ain't going Ubuntu, because that is like the giveaways from big corporations - bloated, shittily manufactured and over-branded. I picked a very difficult distribution to get into, but... well it's what I want. I don't wanna suck on a "no-windows" pacifier, I wanna smoke gangsta shit! No more MS-Office and all that balderdash. I will be typing into commandlines. I got myself a laserprinter, because I'll need to print many-a-guides to hang on to. I need to go back to zero. To the mid-nineties, to books in order to hang in there. It'll be like learning walking again. Writing my first e-mail will be like landing on the fucking moon. Every single peripheral that I get to work will be a fucking miracle after hours of work. But when I'm done. I've made another step to alienate myself. Going jogging at night in winter with a flash light... the thought of that made my balls freeze off right that second, but I do it now on regular basis. I hung in there. Now I'm "crass". Pick that thing that you respect, that what you're afraid of, and fucking do it. It's not as hard as you make it out to be. I'll up my training today. I've laid out a new routine for today, it isn't that much harder, but it's differently structured. I need to, because my body isn't making the progress I'd like to have. Despite eating a fucking ton. I'm not exactly fat, but recently I have been eating for two without gaining weight. I'm not shitting, yesterday, when I was done eating normal dinner, I had to make another dinner. It's scary, but at the same time a good foundation for the strength I'll need. Rambling. And not too sophisticated. I'll stop writing here. I hope @Csaba_Bekesi makes a return soon, it's kind of tough on my own. He's been out with a flu a while now. EDIT: mixing up my training was an excellent decision. I feel pretty tired but good. I have to check my diet too someday... I cut softdrinks and snackfood some months ago and lost 5kg (had picked up a bad eating behavior after quitting smoking), and I'm okay, but I sorta don't want to have excess weight when I start punching people in the face.

Feel free to return any time, you don't need to put any effort here to be welcome! Just write your journal, when you feel like it. It doesn't need to be daily or spectacular - who's is? And it doesn't always need to be about gaming, quitting gaming also means getting all that other shit straight, it's the void it creates that needs tending.