destoroyah

Wenn du nur aufhören möchtest weil man das von dir erwartet, verhungerst du auf halber Strecke. Um eine Sucht anzukämpfen musst du voll und ganz dahinter stehen, schreibe dir eine Liste von Eigenschaften die du dir wegen des Zockens im Laufe der Zeit angeeignet hast, die dich an dir selbst stören (zB "Ich unternehme nie was", "Ich mach kein Sport", "Ich kann nicht gut mit Leuten umgehen", etc.). Wenn nur deine Eltern möchten dass du aufhörst, oder du denkst dass man aufhören muss um Abitur zu schaffen klappt das nicht. Auch hilft es zu erkennen, dass deine Sucht eine Gewohnheit ist. Heutzutage werden Süchte gerne als "Krankheiten" betrachtet, diese Ansichtsweise zerstört jeglichen Ansatz dagegen anzukämpfen, da kranke Menschen schließlich keine Verantwortung über ihre Krankheiten tragen. Folglich ist es von Vorteil die Sucht als Gewohnheit zu betrachten und Verantwortung zu übernehmen. Sich selbst über sein eigenes Handeln Verantwortung zuweisen halte ich für einen sehr wichtigen Schritt. Nur wenn du Schuld bist wenn du zockst, wenn du dich selbst enttäuschen kannst, kannst du auch stolz sein es nicht zu tun. Du musst also etwas auf den Tisch legen, um gewinnen zu können. Meditation ist OK, aber ziemlich öde (für Einsteiger). Überbrück die ersten paar Tage mit Videos oder so (irgendwas, das dir zumindest ein wenig Spaß macht!) um dich abzulenken und mach dir nebenbei Gedanken was du machen möchtest – such dir ein paar Hobbies. Aufhören an sich ist sehr einfach, es ist viel mehr "was stelle ich jetzt mit meiner Zeit an?". Manche denken "Ich meditier jetzt, und mach Kung Fu und werd nen total tougher Motherfucker und reiß Chicks auf" – das tust du vielleicht in 5 Jahren, belaste dich nicht mit einer solchen Erwartungshaltung und des Weiteren wäre das ziemlich abseits von "Selbstfindung". Meditation hilft natürlich – erwiesenermaßen – in vielen Bereichen, aber es gibt noch viele Alternativen den Geist zu beruhigen. Zwing dich nicht irgendwas zu tun, was dir nicht passt, nur weil es die Gesellschaft irgendwie mal empfohlen oder vorgeschrieben hat. Selbstfindung wird auch ein großes Thema, wenn man aufhört, da man sich als Mensch während dem Zocken nicht so richtig als Persönlichkeit im Leben etabliert. Wer bin ich? Woran glaube ich? Was macht mir Spaß? Wen finde ich scheiße? usw. all diese fragen müssen beantwortet werden, weil die Dopaminmaschine Smartphone, PC oder Laptop dir keinen Sinn mehr zuweist. Du musst dir einen neuen Suchen, und das ist sehr wichtig. Schreiben hilft dabei, aber auch viele andere Dinge (Kunst, Theater, Paintball spielen – alles eigentlich, ausser Videogucken und Surfen). Tipp: Wenn du denkst dass du, wenn du aufhörst zu spielen, automatisch mehr lernst dann lass mich darauf hinweisen dass das eine andere Baustelle ist. Klar, man teilt seine Zeit besser ein und so, aber man fängt nicht an all seine "Zockzeit" vor Büchern zu hocken und zu pauken. Diese Fehlvorstellung haben einige und das ist ein Genickbruch, weil dadurch dem Aufhören automatisch ein "bestrafender Charakter" zugeteilt wird. Stattdessen solltest du ganz locker zu dir sein und nichts von dir erwarten (zumindest die ersten Wochen) und dir Gedanken darüber machen wie viel schöner du dein Leben gestalten kannst. Negative Vorstellungen motivieren nicht dazu sein Verhalten zu ändern. Gelegentlich wirst du den Trieb haben zocken zu müssen, hier ist es wichtig innezuhalten und die Situation zu analysieren. Der Trieb ist eine Reaktion auf irgendwas. Frage dich "Bin ich sauer?", "Bin ich gestresst?", "Bin ich traurig?" etc, bzw erörtere dein "Innenleben". Wenn du es schaffst den Trieb als eine angewöhnte Reaktion mit gewissen Problemen/Emotionen umzugehen zu identifizieren, dann kannst du einen Krieg anfangen den du sehr leicht gewinnen kannst. "Ab jetzt gehe ich immer Joggen, wenn ich gestresst bin", "Wenn ich traurig bin schreibe ich Tagebuch oder gucke einen Film", "Wenn ich sauer bin höre ich laut Musik", etc. Du musst jeden Trieb so identifizieren und eine alternative finden mit deinen Emotionen umzugehen. Bei vielen scheitert es die Emotionen zu identifizieren, deswegen ist es wichtig innezuhalten und kurz auf sein Herz zu hören und der Emotion den richtigen Namen zu geben. Manche lernen das nicht bis an ihr Lebensende... ich empfehle dir das Buch "Paulo Coelho - Der Alchimist" – es ist ein sehr schwieriger Prozess sich diese Fähigkeit anzueignen und einer der Hauptgründe warum Teenager nervig sind und Twens oft mit Ablehnung konfrontiert werden. Sie haben nicht gelernt sich selbst zu verstehen. Ach ja, und mach Sport. Dein Kopf kann nur so gesund sein wie dein Körper. Ich habe bestimmt noch einiges vergessen, aber das hier ist schon Zuviel. Allerdings solltest du, wenn du dich an meinen Battleplan hälst, die ersten Monate ausfüllen können. Viel Erfolg, freut mich dass du den Mut hattest als erster ein deutsches Tagebuch anzufangen. Ich hoffe du hälst es durch und ich wünsche dir alles Gute! Ich schau bestimmt wieder vorbei.

You could also feel ashamed for doing origami, jerking off or knitting socks. These things are not "advertised as cool" or "good" or "positive", hence we might feel shame committing to them publicly. In the end, we grow up with the desire to appeal to as many people as possible (mating reasons) – society – and being unappealing to society in public review is tied to the feeling of shame. Shame is a sign of insecurity but at the same time a mentor to fit into society. Now it isn't super important to fit society, but to some extent necessary (for example: running around town naked is probably inappropriate no matter what society you are in) because being too unfitting can get you arrested and avoided by the general public. Mind: Society is based on culture and differs GREATLY from country to country – even from town to town, or neighborhood to neighborhood. But as with all things that have 2 sides (like confidence and overconfidence, self-criticism and inferiority complex, care and paranoia, discipline and masochism), we "calibrate" them inside our heads according to our ability to emulate other minds, opinions and public consent. There is no right or wrong, the limits are blurry and some people feel shame for absurd things where others feel no shame for terrible deeds as a result. The fact that gamers are ashamed for gaming (which in my opinion – even on this forum and having realized it is bad for me – shouldn't be a reason to feel ashamed) results probably from a lack of feedback from society and guilt from the realization that they aren't doing anything productive. The lack of contact to other people results in a "calibration" that is off and a disability to "emulate" other opinions accurately in their minds. This isn't just for gaming but probably any hobby where one holes up themselves in their room. I wouldn't generalize though, as many don't feel ashamed for gaming and are completely OK. Furthermore, people watching Cams videos and making comments are already part of a group that thinks controversially about gaming. A gamer, that doesn't think this way wouldn't comment on the video in the first place – because he probably wouldn't watch it. So you see, they realize their lives suck, they think against gaming, watch Cams videos, can't quit gaming, disappoint themselves, thus feel they disappoint society (because they lack perspective and feedback, take their own opinion of themselves as "society") and then feel ashamed. It's a pretty logical causality chain. The older you get, the less shame you feel, by age 80-90 we all shit our pants and don't care. It's just natural. Don't feel ashamed for feeling shame. Don't feel shame.

You know, I've lost many "friends" myself, recounting them has frequently filled me with happiness. The girl you write about fills me with anger and would be a candidate for that list any day: What good is friendship – or a relationship, if you don't have honesty and clarity? How the fuck are you supposed to know what is "wrong" and "right" if there are no words said? A person like that can stay the fuck away from me, gladly, any day. When I raise the window blinds in my room in the morning, I always think about a person that I am glad not to miss. It soothes my heart, knowing that I am not playing emotional roulette being around them. Oh, open doors are dangerous. I would tell her that she's stupid. It would be expected of me. I don't ever want to bottle up again. I've bemoaned loss often enough to know that there is usually no way back with idiots, interestingly telling them off usually helps the relationship. But mind – my advice should only be used to triangulate normality!! Surely you don't want to get hurt like that again, the thing is... not to avoid getting hurt, but to act right when you are hurt. Avoiding the pain beforehand might turn you stiff and unemotional. You will turn cold and lonely. Getting hurt ain't so bad, but don't go on drinking or hiding in someway now. Embrace it, feel it to the end, short and acutely. Let out what needs to get out. If it's too sick, unreasoned or perverted – pursue an art. Writing is fine, but sometimes words are too precise and you need colors, melodies or a broken knuckle as camouflage for your inner ugliness. Be self aware though, because if you aren't, you are just hiding again. Pen and Paper roleplay could actually very well be that art, you might be able to conjure those emotions out of yourself by taking the role of a character. Exaggerated emotions and reasonless violence in fantasy can be a great medium to rid yourself from hidden feelings. I've managed to discover new strengths in character by doing P&P, you can practice being "convincing", "hurt", "frightening" and all these things on safe ground without serious consequence. In real life you only have one chance, and usually we fuck it up because we rarely practice. Theater is also good for this. It was really fun reading your journal though, even if that romance turned into shit – you're going to gain from it either way, embrace it. I wish you well!

Don't worry, just do your thing!

@Pierce Science fiction. Hah, read Stanislav Lem "The Invincible"? Of the 3 books I read in my life, it must be one of my favorites. Oh and I still need to read Neuromancer, but the language is so whack and difficult to get into! I was always more of a science fiction guy, and I've always despised the concept of "magic" in literature. ENTRY #37 - DAY XX: So I finally had the courage to tell my dad that I fucked up this semester. He was sort of disappointed but not mad, I guess he's used to it by now. This means I won't be doing 6 months, but 12 more of uni, I can't stand it anymore. But now I feel free again. It feels like last semester caught me on the wrong foot, I really don't know where I went wrong, maybe because I built a gaming PC – but honestly, I wasn't even that into it anymore. Maybe because I quit gaming, it must've DESTRUKKTED my rhythm somehow. Probably that and a million other factors I can't tell anymore, a lack of purpose and will to be. Listening to the first Maiden CD, still. It has a rough punky vibe to it, I really like it and it sums my mood up well. Quite youthful with a high heartbeat. Invincible, embracing the unknown. My body is developing nicely, I'm gonna wear sleeveless shirts this summer, at the very least for jogging. People complaining about my style can stay at home and watch game of thrones. Make some fanart for that and turn fat. I shit on you. My soul – or whatever I am – is free. Now that I've stopped denying my death, my failure, my destruction – the spring sun came up to greet me and cast a big shadow by me unto this world to rip some shit. I feel it isn't at the apex yet. I watched Demolition Man just now again, it creates the same vibe as Conan, just that the balance is shifted. It's not the Heros that are strong – but the world that is weak. Sometimes I can feel strong for that reason as a normal dude that's doing OK. Everywhere I see, I see shittiness and things or people that struck my heart with fear some months and years ago are doing quite horribly now and sucking – or I've outgrown them demons. I really don't give a fuck which one it is of the two, not like I can hang up a sign in the world saying "y'all suck". I don't get better by feeling proud and any advantage I've ever had, any greatness ever felt was temporary. So I will cherish these few breaths when it lasts and gaze at the stars in contemplation of all the forfeits I've experienced to be here.

You can talk to me in German if you want, just PM me, or start in this thread. Kannst mich gerne auf Deutsch per PM anhauen, oder hier im thread. There are also more German speaking members, @Fagus and @Regular Robert are On/Off active – just the top of my head. They might check by, now that they have been mentioned. Oben genannte Forumsmitglieder sind ebenfalls der deutschen Sprache mächtig (u.a.). Die gucken bestimmt im Thread vorbei, jetzt wo sie erwähnt wurden. PS: You can also start a German journal in the foreign language journals section. This is probably the best way to go longterm, if your problems aren't acute, as all German members can provide you feedback. Du kannst auch ein deutsches Tagebuch anfangen in der Forumssektion für fremdsprachige Tagebücher. Ist vermutlich langfristig die beste Lösung, wenn deine Probleme nicht akut sind, da so alle deutschen Member ihre Meinung kundtun können.

ENTRY #36 - DAY 72: Note to self: Stop giving advice. Live examples, don't talk shit. Jealous because of the shining sun, not because of them people achieving. I realized that I need to stop being an idiot. AGAIN. It's this weird feeling of regret with a pinch of stupidity. And then... well even after realizing shit, you know, tomorrow the wind will blow another way, you see another horizon and you sink your ship in another riff of the same shape. You just can't help being an idiot, even if you tell yourself "don't behave like that", "don't do that" or "don't be like that" – you'll still be like that, even if you know better. I always got around that problem of not being able to direct the changes in my personality by telling myself "I am the sum of my experience. This world has made me into what I am, every thought I heed is an echo of things I perceived in one form or another. I am just a reflection.". It rids me of the guilt that occurs when I realize my dumbness. It grants me the ability to accept my flaws and takes away that "I must, I must, I must" urge that puts me under pressure and binds me – turns me frozen stiff in stone like by a medusa's gaze. In the end, my organism consists of more than just that inner monologue. Behavioral change is not driven by the monologue, but by a million things in a giant orchestra of chaos. By the shining sun, the food I eat and the lucky circumstance to stick my dick into a chick. The latter being a rather tasteless example, but I don't hide from my ugliness – if I undergo a behavioral change and deny a dumbass motive, that isn't going to keep me from moving in that direction and that isn't going to turn a despicable motive into a gallant one. To forcefully control this orchestra of factors that imbue me, to run up to each instrument player and grab their hands to play music that sounds well, is impossible. I can't be at all places in time – even if I mastered every instrument. Ruling by the sword grants no stability. Instead you need to take the role of the conductor, be appealing to the players, be aware that you are at their mercy but also that most of them have the desire to play a nice melody in order to manifest their talents in a brief moment of time. Listen to that melody and keep conducting. Maintain peace in my heart, look at the sky and take a deep breath. No matter what people say or think. No matter what you think they said or thought. Their minds and words are as temporary as the waves in an ocean. Surely there are big waves and your self-awareness can get capsized, but do as any captain of a small boat would, wait inside till it gets capsized again by another big wave playing in your favor. Every moment in life has its beauty, as does every breath you take. Even when you feel bad now, you might remember it fondly one day. You are the sum of these moments, and if you are an idiot remember that many moments will still get added to that sum and also that you aren't the one doing calculus or writing down the numbers. So... how to stop being an idiot? Pay attention to that heartbeat, tend it to beat slowly at all times unless you are pushing against the impossible. Only if the impossible fixes you, may you let that heart explode with full force – the impossible will surely take the whole blow without shattering, so you will not harm anyone. Maintain that slow breath, try to spend as much time in the space between heart and mind as possible, to not get capsized by their waves. Surely you have power to move and change, but inertia is at play, you need to place your force at different angles to get where you want to go. So it's best to keep that body in a constant rotation to grant it stability and blow in the direction you want to go. Like a spinning top. There. I'm a calm idiot again. Being a calm idiot is the best state I can achieve. Good! PS: I've really gone up in drawing and coloring old pictures, it's like videogames for me now – kind of. Still some more digging to do, but I've realized my bold shittiness is actually a feat.

ENTRY #35 - DAY XX: This one is called "Skatan Worshipper", a coloration/collage of a picture I drew back in 2006. I robbed the sunshine at http://www.wallpaperup.com/67838/Sunset_Sky_Sunlight.html – thanks. Here's the description I wrote for deviantart: HAIL SKATAN HAIL SKATAN HAIL SKATAN the skateboard reads: COOL, DEAF and the skeleton is wearing sunglasses, like its blind. An odd joke no one can understand. It's a pun at "death is blind" and "deafblindness" and being blind to death. I'm sure Cool Deaf will make a reappearance someday, he's really cool. I haven't gotten around writing my journal lately, but drawing/art – to me – is just as expressive. PS @Pierce I just re-watched Conan I and it was the shit! "Do you know what terrors lie behind these walls?" -"No." "Then, you go first." Hahaha. I also like how there's a lot of nude women and blood. That's pretty cool. What I like best though is the "superficial deepness" that is consistent throughout the whole movie.

I could complain. I could praise. They did some wrong stuff – and I forgive them for everything – but I will list it: they also cornered me like @Piotr making it difficult to change my behavior.they forgot me in front of the TVthey didn't spend much time with me – I was always a nuisance, despite being a very quiet and obedient kidI wanted to box and play the drums as a kid, they wanted me to play the recorder and do judo (I hated that, and I still want to box and drum to this day, I wish they would've just let me. In the end I financed my own lessons for drumming (1000$ per year) and never had the courage to train for boxing)my mom was an alcoholic – that created incredible issues and just listing those would explode the thread. As a consequence I had a lot of issues to solve after moving out, it is probably the reason I'm still not done with my bachelor at age 30 – but that shouldn't matter – I just wish she had been stronger and to justify that wish I take her situation as an example and it to my duty to never surrendermy dad hid from my mom's problems and turned into a workaholic – leaving me and my siblings to fix the problem (and they soon left or turned to drugs), I never fixed the problem, I just needed to live with (hiding in videogames) it because I had no authority over her, and now she's standing closely before dementiaThat all contributing to me forfeiting reality. Nevertheless, I don't blame them, because I know their circumstances – and they weren't easy. Our family had been a project where we all tugged thru in our own way, and I forgive them and I love them despite everything. It's now fairly stable after having collapsed, and I like the peace in its ruins. I tried not to put the blame on them – even though as a teen I sort of did – because it doesn't solve shit. I'm sure that if I ever had kids, there'd be something bad about me as a parent – even if I'd give it my all. There always is, in every family, and if there isn't – they're fakeass people. In the end I'm thankful for all the problems, because I have found solutions for most of them and that has granted me spirit, relentlessness, character and versatility. My mom could've done better, if she hadn't taken so much shit from everyone. To get me away from videogames... hm... I don't think that I as a kid needed more attention, rather should they have paid more attention to themselves. They never set an example that I deemed worth following, I think that's a foundation of the problem. They did things right, because they felt it should be that way, not because they actually pursued their heart. To me, it seems, they tried to do well, because it was expected. They should've lived more by heart. Of course I might be romanticizing it... but I know that I don't want to follow their footsteps because they are too forced. I want to find the stuff that is intrinsic to me.

I too like DESTROING. Haha.

@Simms You're right. Thanks for pointing out my mistakes, I will be more aware of it in the future. Thanks for being part of this community and demonstrating me to grow, it's good to see my limits every now and then, and be inspired by someone that has surpassed them.

What kind of movement are you doing that the 10kg dumbbells are giving you trouble with? I feel like you should be able to handle the squat, stiff legged deads, lying press, and bent over rows with that weight. Lying flies, overhead press, lateral raise, bicep curls, lying tricep extensions, and the abdominal crunches are going to be killer at that weight. I've trained for years on and off and still really only use 5kg for flies, raises, and extensions. You can work the overhead press and curls up, but some of those other movements just have too much physics working against you. =p I tried a squat but I couldn't support the weights with my hands properly and they curled inwards. Maybe bad positioning? I'll try again tonight and let you know. Ya bum! You can't jump in like this. Keep it simple and train with like 3-5kgs (I'm talking about using 2 dumbbells) max the first months (go for repetition). Except on bench press and flies (10kg+ ok, because here you are laying on your back and abs+back aren't that much required and chest is a very "hungry" muscle) It's just about form in the beginning. Just use the bars or very light weight. Use a mirror to check form. Bent over back stuff: Just the bars and no weight – or very very little. (You will damage yourself permanently otherwise!!) Squats need abs and legs trained! With short handles: leave them hanging on the sides. With big handle bar: rest it on your shoulders. Wrists can't curl in this exercise? (keep your back straight at all times and your abs under tension. 90° leg bent for starters – more is desirable, do more than 90° without weights only though, at first. also, shift your butt, don't let your knees go past the tip of your toes when looking from above. look ahead and keep a highly masculine facial expression. Training without a shirt also helps, so does thrash metal and queer pants. Refer to sexy German model) DON'T DO DEADLIFTS Also wrists are a big problem in handling heavy weights. Be careful and maybe get wristwraps. Do stupid pushups and shit. No heavy weights. Max repetition the first few months. Also you are only 17? Your body is not ready yet for stupid heavy lifting. Train core stuff. Pushups and situps, planks, squats – some girly yoga stretching. you can't have done enough yet!! I trained like 6 months (daily jogging at 2,5-5km and abs/back + stretching) before I even touched a dumbbell (I was very slow and careful, yea, but I know what I'm talking about. I started at age 27 and had never done sports before, besides school)

There is no winner in compromise, but it's so exhausting. I hate it. I know a day on YouTube sucks, but I'm spending my second day at the computer now, and I'm kind of glad to. I mean, I know I should do stuff, but I can't be bothered. Maybe you sometimes need it that way? There is a slim margin between self torture and discipline that is constructive. Surely, we're unable to ever tell the difference, but telling yourself "I must do this and that" doesn't help... It's thinking about the good stuff that gets me to do good things. I do sports not because "I must!" but because I know I feel better afterwards. Because I wanna punch someone in the face. So uh... maybe don't see "stopping Internet surfing" but see what gains you have from it. I know that's hard because you might lack other "good experiences", perspective, I am questing for that myself. Staring at the ground all day don't help much, but that's gravity I guess. You can't always fight gravity, just sometimes. I'm rambling.

ENTRY #34 - DAY XX: "The Fly" – if you look closely you can see that I wrote swear words in there, maybe this way I can pack my anger somewhere. (In this specific piece the big strong fast as fuck invincible fly, which looks like a roach, rushes out from the field to get the drop on its victim and chop its fukn head off. SLAYER RULZ, DIE DIE DIE!!!) THANK YOU FOR READING! <3 (I somehow stopped counting days – counting suxx!)

Haha. I ordered some colored pencils. Scanning all that old stuff itched me to do some non-digital drawing again but I also am currently tinkering with coloring some of it. Also I haven't uploaded the 10+ comic pages yet, that I have laying around for 10 years. I want to color them too – do them justice. One step at a time, but yea, I'm incited for continuing old pieces and creating new!

ENTRY #33 - DAY XX: http://bonerstyle.deviantart.com/ took the time to scan and upload a lot of shit – some of it rather bad, but I like the rawness. Have a look I got some days off now. I hope I can recuperate from work. Just being at home feels great. *sips coffee*

ENTRY #32 - DAY XX: I've been working too much on that stupid part time job now. Haven't got around planning next semester, I'm not getting anywhere at uni, I've lost track of where I was and where I wanted to be. But that's all fixable... I guess, I'll just need to work harder... do more shit I dislike. AGAIN. What's really been bugging me though, is that, despite all my efforts in my personal and professional lives – I seem to be getting nowhere and I still need to take shit from all fronts and endure stuff that I despise. I'm really aggressive, people close to me have turned into a waste of time. I see some random person on the street and the first thought I have "get out of my way, you stupid fuck", then a glare and then this rising urge of grabbing his throat and choking him - or even her, it doesn't distinguish between gender or age. It is unfounded and without reason, but my frustration seems to be seeking a target, and one of these days – I fear – the next best person will do. I've been paying close attention to maintaining my sports routine and I'm going to my limit where I can to tire myself, but this doesn't help me relieve my anger. I listen to heavy metal, and I've played with the thought that it might serve as an amplifier for my anger, rather than an outlet, but these past weeks I rarely had the time to actually listen to any music and I don't ever wear headphones on the go as it gives me the feeling of impairing my senses but my anger levels are at their peak. I had to prevent myself from writing in my journal "I want to kill someone" for 20 pages, because I really felt like it. Today I almost bought a NES, because I really want to play Castlevania III. I thought "yea, these kids at game quitters are all struggling with girlsy shitty DOTA crap, NES is the shit!" – and all sortsa crap to justify a purchase. I really miss my NES sessions, I could never play more than 1-2 hours in a row, because it was rather tiresome and got boring at the point you kept trying and failing that impossible level. There were never drops, or loot, there was only skill. No chances, only you and blisters on your thumbs. This anger is my biggest enemy, it would have the power to drive me into a relapse, because I know that gaming has always been the place where I could pack it – never to come back. And when I arrived at the near end stages on Castlevania III ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5J8XqDENH1Y&list=PLEFFCC6ED90E41A23&index=15 ), or when I got to the final level of Shatterhand ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=175LKhA0vu4&index=10&list=PLED35EE5076954DFA) to beat it again, smelled the chance of a complete playthru, I felt as if my two eyes were all in the world and every millisecond counted eternity. Right there in the zone with myself, by myself and not in need of anyone to cheer me on – I was self sufficient, score was my feedback and going from the left side to the right was my only purpose. It was simple and stupid – as life should me. I've tried finding a substitute, and I've realized there is none for that. Not drawing, not doing anything with computers, not making music, not exercising and not cooking. Sure, they all help channel my "soul" and maintain it – but in the end I'm still empty on the inside. All these things just manifest me and keep me working. But there is nothing that uses me up as I want to, nothing that challenges me enough to get rid of my anger. When I pass an exam – I feel no accomplishment. Recently I've gone from jogging 5kms to 10kms – no feeling of accomplishment. I lift, I lose weight, I look like a Levis model if you chop my head off – no feeling of accomplishment. No matter what I do, I feel nothing. I can do anything I set hand on, and sometimes it surprises me that I can, but there is no pleasure drawn out of it. As if that shit was just hard coded in my spine and nothing to it really. Nothing I may feel proud of, because the moment I do I lose these skills. Women seem to be happy to receive my attention, but I never give them any – because I see a million flaws and problems with having them in my life. I see a million flaws in everyone in fact. Maybe because I'm working so hard on myself and I'm frustrated that I'm still unhappy with how things are and the next best idiot seems to be doing fine. Even though he isn't, and I know, but my frustration don't care. Maybe I haven't looked hard enough for that passion of mine, but I feel this passive deathwish in me rising more and more, either that, or the desire to shortwire and attack someone random. I've done it all by the book and beyond. I did it all right and it's still there, my heart can't endure this shit anymore. I have no problem resisting gaming, when it comes down to reality, but some part of me tells me it's my only passion. I've been shuffling through this desert, and there's a million cans to drink called gaming. I feel hollow. I feel like I could consume this whole world with just a stare at the ground for too long. Something good could happen to me once in a while... I mean, I don't think that way, I only believe in actively pursuing my goals, dreams and wishes but there are none. I don't give a shit. People in my life show me nothing new. Maybe I am just a bad listener... but... well I try, and I know... there is nothing new. This phase will end like any. I was kind of hoping that writing would inspire me, but instead it only robbed me of my time and with that – sleep. Fuck.

Cancel preorder, save some cash. Buy a hammer for 100$ use it on the HDD. I'm joking! You can get a decent hammer for 10-15$ and using a hammer is dangerous, use a drill. Or cook it. That could be dangerous though, I don't know. Maybe the vacuum exploodes. Wiping is the first step, you don't really lose anything, only the magnetic orientation of little metal particles change – or if you are using a flash drive... uh... I would have to look that up – but it's probably some stupid electron load on an atom. If you want to relapse, Call of Duty 10 is around the corner and everyone has to start over anyways. Canceling a subscription is undoable, they won't delete your account. Besides, it probably takes the rest of a month for it to "run out". What are you afraid of? I stashed all my crap in a little box. I think I will sell it soon, but the video game market is actually a pretty good way to invest money, the value rarely drops after the initial couple of years. Might take some kids money for that, haha. Hahahaha. Hahahahahahaha. Good luck! Love and Peace, destoroyah

Uh uh..., you have to use your head of course!! PS: New Havok Album "Conformicide" is out – just found out, I have no opinion yet, but I'm afraid nothing beats "Time is up" and "Burn"..

Getting physically fit is one of the best cornerstones you can set in life! Best wishes!

@Granitwelle Ah!!! I started that series months ago and never finished, thanks so much for reminding me of its name. Uh, you... isn't your avatar from it? Heh. You must be very fond of it. I too think it is a good series, but not done yet, so I can't tell. @Schwing Keep drawing shitty pictures and doing sports!! Every meter your pencil travels will make you .01% better!

ENTRY #31 - DAY 63: Working kills creativity. I have decided that I need to save as much money as possible. Time isn't money – Money is TIME. Since I don't want to work. I can't write anymore, it really seems as if working has killed any muse in me. Lobotomy. Oh Lobotomy... what a great band name! Uh... it probably exists already, eh? Swedish Death Metal and Argentine Thrash, just my genres, point blank! Hahaha. Brutal! Gotta start listening to it. EDIT: Okay I've delved into some sick youtube playlists and I'm on Metal Safari, this shit is good!!

ENTRY #30 - DAY 62: What a week. Work is hell, I need to do anything I can to not fall into one of those 9-5 lifestyles. It's... no it's not for me. I would probably hang myself within a couple of years and don't call me lazy. I can work hard and I would die for my beliefs – but working 9-5 so that someone can drive a Benz instead of a normal car is not one of them. Either I drive the Benz or I ride a bicycle, and honestly I really really really don't give a shit which one of the two it is, but I for sure as fuck don't want to go 9-5 on anything. Nope. I will not. The big fear I have is, though, I don't know how to make money on my own. Maybe I could move to a country where you only need like 200$ a month to live, and sell something to rich kids in the US that I have engineered for 10$. You know, minimize my own costs and don't give a shit about how much I make. I'm good at minimizing costs, but terrible at maximizing profit. My tongue is not serpent-y enough to rip people off, as I like being honest and I like helping. Sounds like a plan. Now, said place only need be English speaking and not in danger of getting shot in the head by an AK47, and this is where it all goes to hell. I mean, Asia could be OK, like move to Indonesia or Thailand, you know. Island, beach, and enough tourism so that the state is interested in keeping a "caucasian friendly" atmosphere. Where tourism is big enough to get by with speaking English. *Googles* https://www.expatinfodesk.com/ ah there you go, now I only need a business idea... So Indonesia, Morocco, Malaysia/Singapor or Thailand could be places to pursue such a lifestyle. These countries are fairly stable, cheap and might be acceptant enough to foreigners. Oh god, what a weird idea. It is for the far future, I need to finish my degree first, but... yea I should keep an eye open. Maybe the US are also an option, I do have an American passport, so... that'd be easy. Germany is a very complicated place to pursue a freelance lifestyle, unless you have someone that personally teaches you the nits and grits. There is so many laws and regulations that actually make this a very safe place BUT it is fucking confusing unless you are an adept at law and economy. And I hate reading law and economy texts. The more I think about it... actually I am doing just the right things to get where I want. My part-time job allows me that freedom to learn how to do what I want. I am in a position of decent power - for a part-timer. I put out buy and sell orders on my own pretty much... this is what I need to learn to be a good freelancer. SHIT, WOW. I never was aware of this. It's all by coincidence, but... I'm setting this up good without knowing. Okay. Cool. There is a red line somewhere here to hold on to. Don't lose sight of those goals and just... well don't follow that red line, but tug the shit out of it till the world falls over. Hang in there, hang in there destoroyah, it's working.

Hey, in the Zhuangzhi it says that there is no path, the only reason there are paths is because we are in motion. You moving is the path. I thought that was interesting, because a path isn't as stale as one might think. It is a dynamic thing that broadens when people walk on it. Or something that may get overgrown, when forgotten... You are the path. "Dao" in Chinese is not just "path" it also means "walk", "course" or "flow". I'm not sure about the synonyms, as I'm translating my German freely, but what I mean to say is that there is a dynamic component many people don't pay attention to. I've drawn confidence by not seeking masculinity in mind, instead I've stopped caring about what people may define as "masculine" and just started being what I am. Carrying my heart to the outside world, whatever that may be, keep my heartbeat true. Even in weakness that has made me strong, even when I shed tears – I know that shedding tears requires more courage than "appearing strong". Most "men" are stiff, not strong. Paralyzed and immobile in fear. You see them on daily basis, a true gaze can make them tremble. Some of their reflections drown in your eyes, deep as black water, eternal tranquility that lasts an instant, when you manage to uphold clarity and awareness. It is a very distinctive feeling and you know when it's there. Define "Man" as anyone will, you will never be a man to everyone you meet - but you can stop being a child by carrying that inner child to the outside world without fear of rejection. I do seek masculinity in the physical realm though, by training and attempting to maintain a body that I deem "fit". I don't have time to write more, I'm done for the day. My life has gotten tough and I see from actually working that some people get stuck at where I am right now. I don't want to get stuck here, working, it is not what I deem a good life. My time is worth more than money can pay for. After I die, I'll be gone for eternity, I want to breathe the world and move, not get stuck behind a desk... as many do. I like my heartbeat way too much as to waste it on some paper bullshit. The importance people put into this, the stress derived from things that don't matter for shit is incredible. People die and I worry about deadlines. What the fuck. That doesn't make sense.

ENTRY #29 - DAY XX: (no time to check) Still alive. No time to write though, I got a working week and... well cooking, sports, cleaning and eating pretty much takes all my time. Still going strong though, not about to relapse or sad or anything. Quite well actually, the Zhuangzi is my best friend, and I like thoughtless gazing into emptiness when I find the time. In the 45 mins of "free" time I got per day, I am watching detective conan movies. It's so chilled. My training is going well, I feel pretty racked and kickass. Sometimes I pretend to look into the Zhuangzi book, but actually I am just looking at women's behinds.