All Activity

~ The Little Book of Stoicism, by Jonas Salzjeber ~ Book #2 recommended here (that I read) by @Yan: So there were 5 chapters, the 5th and final one comprised of fifty-five (55) stoic practices, which I paid the most attention to. I noticed while googling that someone on Reddit tried to live one of them for that many consecutive days. Creative! _____________ Before I just get lost in thought at the keyboard, I'll list my favourite of the practices, some with a note or quote (some might simply have to be read in the book to appreciate): Practice 33 - ‘Other-ise’ - Treat/speak to yourself as you would your best friend, or vice versa if you already treat/speak to yourself well. Practice 34 - ‘Take the Bird’s Eye View’ Practice 36 - ‘Meat is Dead Animal; Observe Objectively’ Practice 41 - Find Your Own Faults - I would not deny others the same benefits from a similar journey nor condemn them for the same mistakes I made; still, I ask questions about those things for both of our benefits Practice 45 - How to Deal With Insults - CRUCIAL Practice 49 - Put Yourself in Other People’s Shoes - ‘Maybe you would do the same if you were in their situation; who knows?’ Practice 54 - Listen With the Intent to Understand - “Better to trip with the feet than with the tongue.” _____________ I've also gone back quickly to recommend some more of the practices important to me before #30, in the first half of my reading yesterday. But I've decided it's probably easier to list those I half-ignored, because everything pre-#30 are mostly enlightening as well. So, with caution, consider: Practice 12 - Stoic Aphorisms: Keep Your "Weapons" Ready at Hand (maybe it's because people had those 'weapons' that they achieved some great successes and I admired them in the first place, but I soon grew tired when they (aphorisms) were repeated without memory, lol) Practice 17 - Take Back Your Time: Cut Out News and Other Timewasters (I can really focus sometimes for long periods, so taking a break to skim the news (or 'doomscroll') nevertheless helps me to be somewhat up to date) Practice 20 - What Do You Have to Show for Your Years? (in short, my memories) ^--> I've added my short reservation to each of the above, and even though I would now happily share discussions on them online here, it's probably more stoic to just open the book/file on odd days for a daily reflection like that Redditor to post in journals. Not sure. ____________ Finally, it has always been a cool moment to see the 5 most recent posts on the right side of the forum's homepage being from 5 different authors - you know, for variety or even fairness. So for anyone a bit shyer on the internet, bump up or start some addiction-healing topics of your own, I say. ✌️

May 13 (Monday evening) Gratitude: ~ determination from IDK-where to get a workout done without whining to myself ~ finally available ripe avocados :X ~ (more edible items) - frozen vegetables ~ the knitting-together of people Summary: You know, if I didn't say evening, I could still be with the majority(?) of the world (00:00 a.m.- now) sitting on just 'Monday'. But I wanted to highlight that it's been basically 2 days since I summarised activities. Reading this 2nd book online this year about stoicism made me feel OK to 'check in' on one version of my game. I didn't perform any regular tasks or click toward any points. I even gave away a few shields/weapons. Unfortunately, I think I may have been 'paid back' by way of not being responded to on Mother's day about a trip to my nan's. After considering that briefly, I thought about how amusing it is that I've had the stoicism book to read at the time. My mom told me that my dad is retiring, and I did think that I would rather have heard it from him - but based on my experience, he would probably have admitted it quietly in a mock-shy manner whilst busy with something other task at the same time. I don't feel unhappy about this, but it does reflect his much more unimpressive and occasionally kind of aggressive/violent side. ________________ On the positive, well, I weighed myself at the gym, and I'm beginning to understand that I really need a lot (and even more) of vigorous physical activity if I am to maintain what I still think are normal eating habits for the most part. I am willing to do this in more creative ways. The stoicism book has repeated the term 'warrior philosophers' many times, and while I think that is somewhat grandiose, it appeals to the side of me that wishes to be able to defend my sensitivity - lol, speaking of red flags. So I dunno. I'm also ready to pick up almost any physical book at bedtime again after several days of falling straight to sleep once in bed. 'The 100 year old man who climbed out the window and disappeared' hasn't quite 'done it' for me, for which I'm disappointed in myself because it would mark 3 books read from my nan's library. Maybe it's good that the choice of returning it almost vanished yesterday. That's all. Peace, ~ Matt

Entry 12.05 (Written on 13.05) Day 591: No Useless Videos Day 588: Sticking to Food schedule Day 192: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 183: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well no matter how small -8 pomodoros once more which is cool as a basis Day 10, now lets see if I can nail the goal of tonight's post 🙂 -No deliveries once I saw the app is closed -Writing the nightly post even though it was at the expense of two hours of sleep. It's a red flag that had to be raised. However, I probably shouldn't allow it to happen very often or I'll harm my sleep and as a result health and well being 1 Thing I could do better -Evening journal before sleep before whatsapp mail (Finish shower a tad bit earlier)

So it is the middle of the night and I thought I'd just write sporadically to take the load off my thoughts. I have just woke up because I've peed myself. Physically it happened likely because I drank the usual amount of water I'm used to but did half the exercise ( I did the bare minimum of half an hour of main set (+about 15 minutes of warmup and cooldown together while usually I'm used to doing at least 55 minutes of main set + in the last week and a half at least 3 hours on the bike ) But why did I do so little? The courier app didn't work today because of a holiday (Day of remembering the fallen soldiers of Israel in the history of our conflicts) so in contrast to the last day when it happened (The holocaust day) where I decided to just keep riding for a few hours without deliveries, I decided to return home as soon as I saw the app doesn't work. Last time after I've been biking for 3 hours without deliveries I wrote an entry here that this is what I would rather do, return home once I discovered the app doesn't work, so that I ay instead do more deliveries the next day. And meanwhile do some activity I was supposed o do the next day which I may do even if the courier app doesn't work, So this is something I deserve a pat on the back about as of itself (Returning home) I decided to do about 3 hours of job search now, which I had scheduled for tomorrow and then tomorrow do 3 more hours of deliveries instead of the job search (Plus do a 30 minute jog to maintain some calory balance and do some heart activity) The trouble is that as you probably know momentum is a strong thing, and it was already evening. So I pooped and thus lost some time, then I dd do an hour of job search, and then... I don't know if it was really because of physical tiredness because I slept for 5-6 hours the last two days, or it was just because of trying to escape reality, but what happened is I dozed off for 2 hours. Thank god when I woke up I decided to do the minimal workout before the eventual 23:15 being in bed deadline. And i even managed to squeeze a 25 minute cold shower. But still I did allow myself to doze off as I often do. (By the way in the afternoon I dozed off for an hour too. I think some of it has to do with me seeing my apartment mate who is 53 years old doing that all the time. Another part though is because I do not see progress in my marketing efforts. I have now for a few WEEKS! been just blankly staring at my blog posts with barely any progress. I'm writing some text then erasing it, and researching every little assumption further and further, instead of writing a general outline, writing some Ideas and going to the next post. I end up with a huge amount of data which is probably not something anyone will read, and also confuses myself. But evenif they will read it and it is something interesting, still it is better to concentrate on one thing every post, this will help me gather momentum and get more things done, whereas when I have no commitment to post I just write and rewrite things forever, and really test less things and assumptions. Because the testing really only occurs when the content piece sees the world. You see the reason I'm really writing all this is that as I've been cleaning myself up and washing my underwear from the pee A very, very strong urge to play games was present, and I've been trying to understand why it happened. As I wrote in the diary of Dark a few days earlier, this aging urge is not something that just came today it is likely something that has been gathering up over some time and the current events are just sort of triggers to make this urge stronger. So I felt I must raise a red flag and change something before it's too late. Because eventually if this urge continues, again and again - It will win most likely. Self-discipline is not infinite. And as Benjamin Hardy's book title says "Willpower Doesn't Work" I must find a way to make my environment provide me with the necessary feelings and fulfillment of needs not to have this urge arise as it has been happening for quite some time for me now. And this is likely due to the fact that I'm stepping in one place. I mean lets be real here. My goal was to publish a blog post and video every week. I have not done so for almost 4 months now (some blog posts are published but I haven't finished the cycle that's what I mean) There's nothing more honest than that. Shouldn't lie to myself. It's great that I'm eating and staring blankly at the screen thinking how I should progress my blog and I call that "pomodoro time" even though I actually accomplish nothing. But it is NOT enough. I must come up with some sort of compensation system for results - Which is actually publishing the content, not just the amount I put in. Because Imagine what would happen if salesmen were paid only for calls they make. They could then make 1,000 calls in 3 months and make no sales. Who would benefit? Nobody... This time would be lost and in the end of the day the salesman didn't help the company or any of the clients by helping them reach a decision and use the product which may improve their lives. So it is with my marketing efforts. I do not want to be compensated for calls any longer. Of course the minimum of time devoted to it must remain that - This time still has to be devoted to it. Back to the salesman case - If he didn't make any calls of course he wouldn't make any sales... But the reward should be for the sales, not for the calls. Here's what I want to do: The current minimum of 8 pomodoros is cool and should remain that. I also want to continue writing about it in my general journal entries - documenting the length of the streak. BUT, on top of that I want to have an overall goal of a weekly content cycle. granted I will probably not nail it from the first time, and that's cool because I do not want to set goals that I'm 100 percent sure I will make, because then I'm not learning anything. Then I will have gathered some points if I complete it within one week, less points if I do it within two and even less if i do it within 3 Once more thinking out loud the trouble is that I have two god damn goals. One is moving abroad which requires me to do job search and earn more money while the other is becoming financially free which is for a little more long term. But It shouldn't hinder eachother. I may do both. It is just about feeling urgency. I do have an urgency in my "finding job" and moving abroad goal because I've set a mental deadline of 21.7 for the move. I don't even remember why any longer, but that's the date. Even though I am starting to doubt that date since I still haven't gathered the amount of money necessary for the move After a brief pause to look at my bank account and think how much more money I need, it seems possible that within two months I'll have the amount. The only question is whether there will be enough time to get a visa and find an accommodation and order flight tickets and find a solution for how to move my items abroad... That's what I want to focus on now. First stop is a meeting at the embassy to ask them if we may start the process to speed it up and within 2 months time when I'll have the full sum, finish it. After yet another pause I'm back after sending a mail to the embassy to ask them the same question, also would like to call them on their working schedule between 9 and 13 tomorrow (Hopefully they work despite the Mamory day.) Anyway, back to my marketing goals. I think I found a reward system that might suit me without any indulgences as a reward. Here´s the plan: If I publish both content types including the ads from end to end within 1 week, and it doesn't matter if it's flawed - I get 200 ₪ (About 60$) into my "Helping my brother learn how to bike lessons" reward fund. (Just sent an e-mail to find out how much it will cost generally) If I do the same within two weeks - 100₪ If three weeks - 50₪ Anything after that gets no reward. Today I'm about half-way there in my current content piece. So let's say the current 1 week goal mark will be to finish all the content cycle by 16.05 mid-day. Starting 1 minute after that and till mid-day in 23.05 it's the two weeks reward 1 minute after that and till 30.05 mid-day it's the 3-week reward. 1 minute after that - none. I think that sums up my nightly rant. Gotta' go get some sleep

That was a good post! My 'nemesis' for 2 years gaming was just someone also playing for free, whose mining movements (clicks) were unpredictable and often disruptive to my pattern. Heh. Otherwise, there were simply the people I worked with who chose bad times (for me) to offer critiques. The worst response I had to those was a firm/slightly louder 'that's not helpful', during which I accidentally toppled the metal pizza spade from its leaning position to crash to the floor whilst cleaning - and my workmate theatrically stepped back in silence, perhaps hoping to convey to the boss, 'wow, see? what a loose cannon!' I still laugh to myself about it, knowing how untrue that would have been back then. My favourite song for a few months literally sang those words - 'me against the world'. I suddenly stopped playing it the next new year. For me, I guess it was the anthem of one of several phases on my game - or until I got the latest Sum 41 album for Christmas 😆. Somewhat relatedly, my brother (he having developed mostly healthily) once said that my game 'wrecked' me. Not poetically stated, but I would now say in reply that people like me sort of need a choice between two 'worlds' at many times. What I wouldn't underestimate either would be the design/layout discussions over the game's creation; the hours of brainstorming and debating, and the like. The same as fiction authors (e.g. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings). My second world would be raw numbers, by choice, but ever since I was really alerted to the notion of 'acceptable' human interactions years ago by my ex, I've been paying attention to emotions and stuff. Maybe that's just as well, who knows?

I also remember the time I envied people, for example a girlfriend, but that's luckily been a few years. The last "enemy" I've had was maybe 2-3 years ago. He's a financial adviser. The main quarrel I had with him was that he tried to manipulate me to believe him (invest with him), while I had clearly better investment offers on the table. He kept ignoring my objective (number) questions/suggestions, because he a) didn't know and hadn't done the math himself or b) did know, but wanted to keep me as a client because of the fees going to him through the products. Maybe wearing a nice suit and talking about a money future (without half the important numbers) works well on most people, but I am not most people 😄 The "us against the world" is a flawed mechanic, but I wouldn't underestimate the number of people who actually believe it. It's also the main policy of many countries and religions. If people could just "snap out of it", it'd be great, but alas they don't. It's true that gamers are not the masters of relationships, but stopping contact after quitting a shared hobby is quite normal. There have been many people I have met during the last 5 years. They were fun, interesting and everything, but there's just not enough time to meet everybody, people live far etc.

U da best 😉 Don't forget to let me know how it was, I'd love to hear that!!!

Entry 11.05 (Written on 12.05) Day 590: No Useless Videos Day 587: Sticking to Food schedule Day 191: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 182: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well no matter how small -8 pomodoros! !! Day 9 and I placed it over 10 hours of deliveries and just barely did 7 instead -7 hours of deliveries thus completing 40 overall on the weekend despite celebrating brother's birthday and devoting to it something like 7 hours yesterday -Cleaning kitchen flor within 50 minutes or so 1 Thing I could do better -Write weekly schedule first, then look at jobs etc. if needed... it caused me to be about 20 minutes late from this task.. (The fact that I go a bit distrated

May 12 Summary: I did fall out of the habit of just typing a summary post - you know, events only. However, when emotions such as joy or sadness built up unexpressed in the past, I usually gave in to unpredictable releases of them - here, texting, calling or other means. I think that's why I've been posting so frequently. Today, I woke up feeling neutral to the beginning sounds of the morning. That's OK, and better than disturbed or manic. I did try to do dishes, clothes and tea all at once though. Yesterday was a weighted walk, time spent (including a game on my lego chess set - I slowly sacrificed my pieces and eventually lost to make it more fun) with one of the mates, and then squeezed a successful lifting session in right before closing time. It's Mother's Day, and I may have an invitation to a trip to my grandma's. Gratitude (for yesterday): ~ found a copy of the book @Yan put forward ~ maybe my mate's commitment to not 'oversharing' as much as me ~ feeling like 'one of the guys' just trying to get a workout in last night ~ tea (shared during the chess game) Peace, ~ Matt

I'm using the template I used the last time. 27/3/24 - 10/5/24 "L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term. I added "Future goals/direction" to better reflect on the things I am trying to do and to add specificity. I will copy it and stick it somewhere where I can see it to remind myself whenever I feel aimless. I will also use different colors: blue for newly added goals/habits, green for completed/successful, orange for ongoing/some progress and red for ones I haven't worked on in that period. Books/Reading articles/Learning: L: Still reading the business book. Not daily, but enough to get a new idea or two from it every week. Some newsletters too, but not many. T: I think that in the last six weeks, I've read the book once. Not because I don't want to or because it's not practical (it's quite the opposite), but because I'm always doing something else. I have been more active here though. I also went to the speaking club a few times last month. Possible direction/goals: (Borrow) and read one book until the next monthly report. Family: L: Had a few family meetings, a lunch outside too. T: I had a Easter family meeting and a trip with my brother to try out the new chairs in a showroom. I'm making my grandma's kitchen my priority before I leave for the CELTA course in July. NOT: I don't want to get alienated from my family. Possible direction/goals: Work on getting the new kitchen for my grandma. Continue work on maintaining the relationships with my family. Business/English: L: My work has been going well. I've had some good initial lessons with my students in the last couple of weeks. The uptick in my own courses has been significant. I'm likely going to cancel two agency courses. I was a bit bored after finishing the university, however the last two weeks I'm overwhelmed. I feel like I need to do a better job managing my time and prioritizing again. Maybe I could cancel all agency courses in E, but that'd probably be excessive and needlessly imbalancing. I might want to create some list of milestones I've already achieved, in the type of "past projects" below to have a better overview over the work I've done over the years, but I'll leave that for the next report. Canceled the two agency courses. I also changed the format of some of my 60minute lessons to 55 minutes, so I won't need to jump from one meeting to another instantly. Things are still going fairly well. T: I was away for two weeks in the last six weeks, but otherwise I can again say it's been going well. The 60/55 minute transition is going well, although I think I should be stricter in enforcing it and perhaps informing my students a bit better. My priority for the next few weeks is to prepare for the CELTA course that starts in July. I want to work on the questionnaire part 3 in May/June as well. Now for some statistics: - 1) I decided to dig up the records on all the students I've taught privately, either from my calendar or bank records, so I don't think anyone slipped through the cracks. I included even the smallest jobs. The results are quite interesting: Out of all students who finished having lessons with me, since I started to call this a career, from fall 2020 to December 2023, the average study of my students with me was 6,8 months. The median (the middle student) had 3,5 months of lessons with me. The average study of my students who are still studying with me is 7,7 months. The median is 3 months. If I combine the categories above, it's 7,3 months for the average study. The median is again 3 months. Takeaways: The average student (around 7 months) will not last longer than it takes me to increase the price. I raised prices 4 times in the last 42 months, meaning I increased it once every 10,5 months. One less pressure point when negotiating for better money. The question then of course is whether the higher prices really throttle demand or just change my target group. I've had a few students tell me they chose me also because my prices were professional. My prices are currently about 80-90% of those provided by language schools to individuals. I'm planning to close that gap this year. I managed to gather enough students over time to turn this job of mine into a fully independent living without any intermediaries. I'm gonna consider offering lesson "packages" for the future, although I've been kinda doing that, when students pay me once a month upfront. I also think I provide good enough motivation - positive (via my approach on the lessons, bi-annual questionnaires etc.) and negative (increasing the prices regularly means students need to think whether it's something they need/want). - 2) The number below of 22 taught hours per week holds true. I calculated I also spend about 30 hours a month/7 hours a week on admin tasks (both median and average - from April 2023 to February 2024). I also spent 7 hours traveling to/from my students, regardless if I charge them for that or not (I don't charge walking but I do charge car riding 😄 ). Voila, 36 hours a week I need to pay myself for. Of course, these are just statistics. There are a lot of things I don't see. - 22 (23) hours last week in April: Category A 74% (71); B 3% (3); C 5% (9); D 11% (11); E 7% (6). Brackets are % values from previous month/week. - I've done a bit of an analysis of my courses and categorized them based on what they provide me. I earmarked five types of courses: a) my own - well paid + generally more motivated students (as they pay the courses themselves) + more challenging b) premium - language school courses paid at a premium compared to my standard LS courses for various reasons (roughly matching the a) group) c) flexible - courses from LS that don't have a fixed schedule, meaning it's on me if I make time for them or not (though I mostly do, as can they plug the gaps or can start my day) d) challenging/fun/prospective - standard LS courses with an added quality e) neither - standard LS courses without any added quality - NOT: I don't want to have a job that I don't enjoy. I don't want to have a job that is not well paid. Possible direction/goals: With my job position and student demand secure, I'm more able and willing to reschedule or even cancel classes in case I want to do something, mainly in the evening and for holidays. I enjoy having this option thoroughly. Keep classes at a stable 20-25 hours a week. Keep asking for reviews or recommendations from students. Look into strategies to become truly self-employed by skipping the agencies in between. Create a learning plan for myself. Go through "lecturer academy" materials. Write down specific areas and what I want to do in them: Networking and business events. Get a system to mark down the progress of my students, together with their learning plan. Check out business vouchers for equipment. Past projects: Questionnaire. Fixed logos on my website for better visuals. Updated the pricing section of my website. Variable/tiered pricing (do in July/August). Got minor pay raises from language schools. Did evaluations/testing of my students, if required. Attended one networking event and one marketing seminar. Introduced "phone call" classes. Update website/business profiles with "phone calls". Lecturer academy. Sample business contract on my website. Google sheets system for students. Questionnaire part 2. Exercise/Movement: L: Went for walks and hiking trips with my girlfriend. T: Went for a hiking holiday with my girlfriend in Slovenia for two weeks. Went cycling and running as well. NOT: I don't want to become fat. Possible direction/goals: I enjoy the fact I do not have to be "actively" dealing with this area of my life, as it's technically a part of my job. I just have to be on lookout if that was to change. Keep in shape. Blogging: L: Now, blogging has a reminder in my calendar now, however it's not really an activity I could care for now. We'll see. T: I actually got a spur of inspiration and wrote an article in two days. Wow 😄 Possible direction/goals: Find a suitable UI/web template. Set up emailing for subs. Post two articles a month. Polish links in articles. Interlink new articles with old ones. Finish articles in concepts. --- What to do if I am bored? Replacement activities for 1 hour: reading books, cleaning, washing the dishes, reading newsletters Replacement activities for 2 hours: going for a walk, work on my business, blogging --- Additional thoughts/activities: I had somehow thought I would have more time to do "stuff" after I finished the university in January. I put on average 2-3 hours towards my thesis a day to it throughout October-January. The thing is, I don't think I do have more time. February-April was about moving in with my girlfriend. I'm happy I did. I also had an uptick in the number of students/lessons. I'm also happy for that. However, I have 10 things I have to/should do in my head now. I spent some 5 hours on exploring/writing this report to help me sift through it all. Some of the things are nice and I want to do them, but I don't have the time. Some of them are important or promised, but I don't want to do them. It's OK, I am not THAT much under pressure, but I need a system to get these things done and to move forward. My priorities for the next six weeks: Prepare for the CELTA English teaching course that starts in six weeks. I want to work on the questionnaire part 3 in May/June as well. Reconstruct my grandma's kitchen. My hobbies are: personal finance, graphs/projections/statistics, gunnery, GIS/statistics, reading/videos about (modern) history, English, working on my business, blogging/writing, geography. This month, I did these cool activities: went for one smaller trip and one bigger holiday, finished moving, got a great new table and a new chair, went to the theater, worked on my business, hung out with friends, spent time with my girlfriend, went to the cinema, attended speakers' events, fixed my phone, spent time with my family. --- Goals/resolutions/aspirations for 2024: Main must-have plans for 2024: Prepare for (Feb-June) and successfully make (July-August) the CELTA certificate course. Finish the university in January. In case something goes horribly wrong, then in May. I've got this. Move in with my girlfriend in April. Set up the new kitchen for my grandma. Optional nice-to-have plans for 2024: Re-start my financial blog in February. Learn how to type with all ten fingers on the keyboard. Habits: Stop watching porn (again). Start getting up when my alarm rings = Put my alarm across the room. Establish flossing at least once a week. Exercise regularly. Continue: planning, walking/exercising, writing/journaling, reading, working on good life/work balance. It's a short list, but if I manage all of it, I will be happy.

Hey, regarding making friends not enemies, I'd suggest the book "The Little Book of Stoicism" By Jonas Salzgeber, I listened to it about 7 times or so. It has a pretty awesome way to look on relationships in my opinion, which allows you peace of mind. It says something to the gist of "To make mistakes is human, to forgive is godlike" and "Even if men do harm it is because that is the best way they know to act at the moment, and even then when they harm others its okay to forgive them, because even if they initially intended to do so, it still doesn't mean its not a mistake" "Because we men are made for each other, we are made to be a part of a whole, we are brothers, being angry at others or keeping grudge simply hurts ourselves, not the other person" "on the contrary if they're angry at us it hurts them, we do not have to react in the same way." all these are very rough outlines and "sketchy word illustrations" I'd really suggest the book 🙂

Entry 10.05 (Written on 11.05) Day 589: No Useless Videos Day 586: Sticking to Food schedule Day 190: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 181: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well no matter how small -8 pomodoros! !! (Day 😎 - Even though it was the first-time i did one of them after 18, still I completed all 8 so It counts 😉 ) -The bare minimum of 3 hours of deliveries, despite going to brother's BDay celebration -Even though it took me 2 hours to decide what to buy my brother and find the place that sells it on a weekend (Friday in our country is weekend) eventually pulling the trigger and ordering it for another day, thus allowing myself to nail the goals of 8 pomodoros and 3 hrs deliveries and more than 3 hrs of quality time with the family 1 Thing I could do better -Having planned brother's gift in advance, It would have probably saved me some 1.5 precious hours plus the gift would have arrived he same day, instead of him having to wait about a week now.

~ The Courage to be Disliked - Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga ~ I decided to post about this book here for two reasons: 1) Most of the feedback I gave on books recommended to me by a friend was on Discord, and I typed too much there. 2) I think enough of it relates to the journeys people here are on that come with addiction; even to ways of thinking about it. This is not a review - because I'm no expert critic - but I thought maybe other people aside from @Pochatok, who shared this book openly, might also find an 'in'/reason to give it a try. Edit: I recommended the 'Silo' trilogy last year, and still kind of do - I loaned the first one to a friend last month. Hugh Howey is the author. ____________________ The thing that's sticking in my memory the most is the idea of generally having either vertical or horizontal relationships, almost like a (cartesian) plane in maths. It is really hard to successfully avoid talking down to people in any way whatsoever, but the dialogue in the book basically highlights an importance of making horizontal relationships a habit. To use another related point from the book, one solution is to see other people as comrades, not enemies. I take an unfortunate lyric (sarcastic or otherwise) from one of my favourite singers, 'Strength means blessed with an enemy'. That really only felt true for me when I had few friends, as a much younger boy, and when I rarely felt a moment of peace. 'Us/me against the world' is another one which I don't think stands the test of time. For another, the most often repeated statement was 'All problems are interpersonal relationship problems'. I think one argument from the youth was, "But of course! Climbing the social ladder is all that matters/the only purpose we've got, right?" - I paraphrase because I'm not at the stage of whipping the book open to quote from yet. But actually, the (Alfred 'Adlerian') philosopher was saying that people have fears of simply having healthy relationships with whomever, wherever. If one gives a relationship a sincere effort, to discover a complete lack of virtues (or something or other), he briefly suggests severing it, but also saying that (I think) without enthusiasm. The point being giving a horizontal relationship an honest try. As Cam says of gaming friends, perhaps never having seen the intricacies of the other person/people's faces and their reactions, a lot of those relationships can turn out to be superficial and stagnate when the game is no longer played or shared. I confess to 'clearing' my game's 'friends list' regularly a few times every year, back in the day. It really says something. --> There are more things of course, and I should say that reading a book that is pure dialogue can become addictive and even dramatic in the mind. The writing made that mostly worth it though. I am grateful for Po's sharing this alongside a particularly helpful post while journalling, which made me mentally kick myself until I actually committed to checking it out. As I said to my mom last night, even someone like me can usually trace the knowledge or idea(s) that another individual, not myself, put forward, and that that gives it more weight in my mind to consider than the average rumination I might get on my own. Good luck for the weekend, ~ Matt

Thank you everyone for the kind words and stories. I appreciate it. Things are getting better. My therapist recommended 6 hour sleep shifts rather than the 4 or 3. It's made a huge difference. I wake up more restored and ready for the day. I don't feel as much brain fog and I'm less depressed. My wife feels the same. I return to work this week. I'm excited to resume my career but I'll miss that time with my family. I'm very grateful to have had that much time off. I'll be working from home so I'll still be with them. My wife quit her job and will raise him for the next couple years before school. We're not going to home school him. We just don't trust daycare providers after hearing so many horror stories. I texted my friends group chat and asked if their experiences with their kids sleeping issues and stuff was similar. I told them I'm struggling and feel like a failure. They all sent very nice messages and called me for a week. That really got me feeling a lot better. I got some great suggestions and care out of it. It really helped to know that other people struggle as well. Not that I want them to struggle, but it's relieving because I constantly worry I'm doing a bad job or something. I'm working with my therapist on my agoraphobia issues. I've been afraid to leave the house and have had panic attacks. I feel better now but I have a lot of work to do. I didn't realize agoraphobia was actually the fear of not being able to escape a situation in public rather than fear of leaving the house. I'm not afraid to leave. I'm just afraid of what could happen. Ever since 2010 I've been afraid of going into public because of fears of mass shooters. College was tough because a lot were happening at schools and I was afraid it could happen. I'm also afraid of throwing up in public after a bad incident when I was 9. So I always try to remain close to home with lots of stomach aids to help me if needed. It will take time. Something for gamers to think about: I've been on this journey for 6 years now and I'm still learning things about myself and why I act certain ways or crave things. So please, if you're frustrated with yourself after however much time you've committed to this, just be patient and thank yourself. It's gonna take time.

Thank you. Yeah he absolutely loves falling asleep on us and although it's cute, it can just be stressful since you can't really get up to go to the bathroom or anything lol. It helps to know others did this as well.

Thank you! I definitely see myself in him. I was very happy to be snuggled and wanted to be with people at all times and he totally does this lol.

Thank you! Yes. I'll touch on this in my post but they stepped up big time.

Not sure I understand. (Anyway wanted to say that I wanted to correct myself a bit and say that every day is a new opportunity to prove yourself (because the count is not exactly 0 but it is pretty close. You have your momentum and background, but today you decide what you're going to do all over again 🙂 )

Entry 09.05 (Written on 10.05) Day 588: No Useless Videos Day 585: Sticking to Food schedule Day 189: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 180: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well no matter how small -8 pomodoros! !! (Day 7) -4 hrs physical activity -dozed off for only about 15 minutes which allowed me to do a lot more job search (on table, not allowing myself to go to bed 🙂 ) 1 Thing I could do better -Write definite goals for food prep so that I may write and measure times more effectively as I used to: Say 1. Put dishes to their places from dryer+ Get dishes prepared for meal + start eating banana (if earlier then 6:30 if not, add this to point 2. 2. Get food out of fridge 3. Weigh food apart for tahini 4. Throw out food trash, wash hands, put remaining food to fridge. 5. Pour tahini, cleanup if there's anything left + go to room This is for breakfast.

May 11 Summary: I was all about cheering myself up yesterday. It's been a little while since I woke up glad to smell the air and hear background noises outside, as I usually did last year's detox. I remember @DanielG saying that relapsing again, after discovering there is a problem, makes quitting again more difficult - for a couple of reasons I can think of. Basically, during the day I spent 5 largely guiltless hours at a social club an hour away, then had a shared dinner. I was rained on pretty heavily for 10 minutes again on the way back, and the bus was filling up, but it wasn't too much of a worry. Last night fixed my sleep, as I hoped. Yesterday morning I did my walking circuit at a very odd hour because I gave in to sleep at 6pm. I've been wondering whether many of my journal entries makes for frustrating reading, because I haven't posted more along the lines of, "OMG I got the job!!!" or "We finally kissed!@". I'd probably type about those things in almost the same manner as the rest of this entry. I'm not pessimistic, but I usually like to stop myself at a certain level of happiness - not only to avoid mania, but also because it hurts less when someone almost cruelly snaps me back to reality, be it economic or a different kind. That's all. ______________ Gratitude: ~ saw my mom ~ kind of patched up in chat with the men's group because I had posted detractively when sad ~ the people at the social club forgave me for being sad ~ still received DOMS from my not-so-intense workout So I also hear by deduction, giving away peace is supposed to be hard if I haven't got enough myself, but it is how I am as default. Wishing you all the same kind of peace, ~ Matt

Hit the gas mate, every day you wake up, the count is 0 🙂

Entry 08.05 (Written on 09.05) Day 587: No Useless Videos Day 584: Sticking to Food schedule Day 188: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 179: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well no matter how small -8 pomodoros yet again -4 hrs physical activity -going to two nterviews 1 Thing I could do better -The sae as yesterday, stop the napping momentum of two hours which I'm building as a habit - Limit naps to half hour and see how it goes when I'm extra tired do job search because its a less demanding activity

May 9 (morning again) Gratitude: ~ I wasn't discouraged enough during my warm-up walk to not enter the gym. I was able to remind myself that my mood would likely stay low-ish if I didn't try to do something. It was a compromise of hack squats, between going all-out as planned and giving in to 'just chest pressing' ~ I got to watch the sky turn from dark to light whilst actually lifting! ~ the curry I was able to make last night and finish eating an hour ago ~ y'all's participation here online 😉 _______________________ It was never easy, feeling like I was the only one taking (sometimes foolish) steps forward in social situations with the family, and in primary school. I chose to take the easier path of socialising online, also feeling like I couldn't chase my dad up for advice every night after he'd moved out. I think that in the beginning on Mondays, after spending the weekend with him, I arrived for some very happy high-school days because I hadn't 'needed' gaming. My then-best friend had a harder time whilst we were studying together because it was only his mom and sometimes grandmother too, and he even told me that he felt it was up to him to take care of the household, at thirteen. When one of those two brothers I chatted with last weekend asked me if my parents were one of those separations, or whether I simply had 'two Christmases', I wanted to say both, but the honest matter was that I had 2 at least - 'Spoilt', I said. Today at the gym, I took note of two people who were training. One I only overheard greeting another in a slightly-camp but also very loving way, and wished I were that far into relationships with women I fancy. The other was a very lean and slightly muscular man a few years older than me, who looked fairly intimidated as he waited for his personal trainer to set up some weights for him. The gym was packed with people. I wanted to take a few steps over and say 'this morning is going to go well for you, and if not, I've got your back', but I felt like I had to wait for eye contact, or else we'd miss that initial moment of trust to advance from. It's silly, but my improvisational talking ability when I feel things like that suffers quite a bit still. Maybe next time. Gotta get up again. Til later, ~ Matt

4 May - 8 May: Traveled around with my girlfriend a bit more again. We cleared up some future holiday/traveling expectations and planning as well. It wasn't easy to communicate these things, but I believe we are on the same page now and we don't need to clash about it in the future. The weather wasn't as good yesterday and today, but we still managed the trips.

True, that's often how I got by with a long line of pizza orders ahead. 😛 I also wonder if Po should use this book he recommended to answer you! I'm only 2/3 finished reading it. (edit: p184-187, wow! - 'the courage to be disliked')