I can sort of relate. I myself have a very lively imagination and I often think about video games while experiencing other kinds of media, like music or movies. It's only natural I believe as the mind is used to vivid images coming from so much media exposure. You can see this within the gaming industry itself with many developers taking a lot of inspiration (for better or worse) from blockbuster movies. It's all part of the same corporate machine that wants to occupy as much of your mind as possible. I think over time these images will start to diminish as you stop having new experiences with games. But you will have to face the fact that it's impossible to block yourself from this influence completely. In the end you'll have to learn how to deal with having thoughts about gaming, but not surrendering to the urge to play them. I also suggest you seek some council perhaps regarding your anger issues. It sounds destructive to have such uncontrollable outbursts, and obviously it's costing you lots of money. I've had some anger issues myself related to competitive gaming so I know some of the emotions you're going through.

So today I got a reprimand at work for a situation that my boss took offense with. It felt painful initially and put a spin on my mind for a couple of hours. But I also noticed that I was quite comfortable with carrying these conflicting feelings, and I didn't want to suppress or numb them immediately. My mind started to wander towards the usual self-soothing stuff, like gaming, junk food etc., but I let it run its course and managed to find some focus eventually. I later called my boss and apologized and we had quite a good talk about it where he explained that his intention was to not make "a big deal" out of it, which felt comforting. Overall I'm surprised at how well I reacted to this. Usually I like to just hide and forget about my bad feelings, but here I faced them head on and felt quite good about myself in the end. It's been a couple of weeks since I really engaged with a video game so I suppose my brain is now adapting and finding new sources of strength and motivation. Feels awesome honestly!

Tuesday morning: Yesterday, I went for a short jog and a moderate deadlifting session later after. Not my best, but I did hold on to/grip a decent weight for the longest time in awhile.  I thought inwardly this morning that I could replace games with movies again (not so much TV series, as they seem to present less moral lessons and try too hard to encourage that we watch every single episode/season, but maybe one or two included). I did this before, after adapting to a new medication, and becoming done with (one of a few in my history) a copycat game. It might work for me again, because unless the movie content is significantly disturbing, it can be effective escapism, as well as evoking empathy. I tend to reserve intense criticism for when the movie (after several pauses) is finished, instead of exclaiming mid-way, 'Great directing/ad-lib/special effects!' etc. I think that's because in the past, I've latched on to details at various points, letting the rest wash over me as I think about them. I want to appreciate the work put into films constantly, but at the same time, I also don't.  What do you guys think? I'd try to post about how they got me through the day, and what I favoured in them instead of games.  The movie I've started today was a continuation of nostalgia-seeking, which is what my re-released problem game was initially about. I thought of the title because of a few searches and beginning-watches I went through yesterday, and was having a mindful period this morning after resting from yesterday. It seemed more than natural.  ____________ Again, that said, there's the question of in what circumstances I ought to (if ever at this juncture) be 'tougher' on myself - such as facing spontaneous chats/making requests/sweating and trying harder when exercising if someone looks my way and I want to use that as an excuse to worry/get distracted from the effort. It's just that I've already tried that approach as a teenager. Monstrosities occasionally ensued. Well, leave some input if convenient for you. Cheers. ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ Smell-memory in the air outside ~ Low-carb breakfasting (to 'beat jitters') ~ Been awhile since I've said it - 'not dying in my sleep' ~ A weird, compassionate-combined-with-concern dream (almost too real though - an household item brought it back to mind suddenly) ____________ Notes taken: 'What makes a person worry less and pay more attention to subtler social cues/hints as to what should actually be done for someone's needs next?', and 'Do more people really often, consciously and simply choose to be kind/unkind at rapidly-unfolding moments, rather than adopt one or the other as a sustained way of being?' 'Zen?'

Entry 23.6 Weeks until average life expectancy: 2772 (80th birthday) What progress I made this week? -daily progress on my concentrated work, although very little (Long term financial freedom) -Done an estimation on a 1 to 100 scale of my position with the driving lessons (Bolstering my resume for a successful move) -Sent At least 5 emails to Realtors and maybe 2 more to immigration office and 2 contact forms. (Understanding the best way to get a residence permit and to move) -Read two blog posts on a polyglot's blog (Bolstering my resume for a successful move) -Watched 5-7 videos about clutch (Bolstering my resume for a successful move) Day 159: No Useless Videos Day 991: Sticking to Food schedule Day 594: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 142: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well, no matter how small  - 4 pomodoros - Afternoon workout - Progress on profit and loss statement (Summarized all tax deductable products in one excel, and started looking for which categories should i separat them into,including calling two more accountants) 1 Thing I could do better I guess a dishwasher is in order in my next apartment as I've noticed it took me around 40 minutes to wash instead of the planned 15 Gaming (Death, Slavery, Regret, Disease) - 5 Yan (Life, Individuality, Freedom, Purpose, Self-Fulfillment) - 160

Entry 22.6 Weeks until average life expectancy: 2773  Day 158: No Useless Videos Day 990: Sticking to Food schedule Day 593: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 141: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well, no matter how small  - 4 pomodoros - 75% Effort long run - Reading more about how to fill out profit and loss statement for the tax report 1 Thing I could do better I think an hour of conversation with a friend could be reduced somewhat. When he asked if I'm putting a fact or asking, I should have saaid, I'm excited to speak with you but let's stick to our planned timeframe, and if we want to go longer, we may set another call Gaming (Death, Slavery, Regret, Disease) - 5 Yan (Life, Individuality, Freedom, Purpose, Self-Fulfillment) - 159