Day 65/90: no urges. just very, very tired from kids being up all night!

7 Mar - 12 Mar: It's been a fairly busy week. At the weekend, I had a board game evening, an all day hiking trip with my girlfriend and on Sunday we took the car to the service and combined it with a cycling trip with my girlfriend and had a nice evening in the sauna. Went for sushi with my brother on Monday. Brought my car back on Tuesday and went to an improv show in the evening too. Had some work with my new website yesterday and today as well. I managed to catch up on all the important stuff today.

one mroe addition which i wrote earlier this morning before the food schedule started but for some reason it didn't post. tomorrow I'd like to have 20grams of chia because i accidentally poured 20g, and i still didn't start the schedule when i first wrote this, so it's an allowed change

Right, so I understand. Electronic gaming is wrong, as it: 1) Makes me take leave of my senses 2) Leads to false confidence 3) Causes time to pass in an unfulfilling manner Today was tough because it was almost entirely run by me. I haven't yet broken into an offline 'tribe' that feels safe and sane. I also felt more excitement than fear when I tried to start the day as per one plan, but it was outnumbered by several others that were neglected. I am afraid of becoming 'too much' for people to deal with. Even walking out of my door, it turned out, was poorly timed. I faced a surly, older male, whose message I interpreted as 'You'd better be about to have a good day, starting an hour or two later than 8 or 9am, with your hat and backpack, or else.' I mean, why? Why, world? Thanks. Lol ~ Matt

Guys, I mean, if it's really 'YOLO', and the best way to recreate slightly more mature versions of 'shared play in the sandpit' is on instant-messaging RPGs for people born the way I was, then what am I really doing here that's ultimately effective? I really do remember almost as much in my first few years as say, ages 5 to 7. Somehow, just somehow, when I was younger, I was able to adapt to situations in ways that adults excused, on the way to completing school. Now, I face a really large dilemma. I need to f*** around in ways that allow me to do healthy, shared reflection, yet stop myself from being reeled in by game-programmed rewards.  I see in today, aside from a few differences, that my duty to myself is to while away daylight hours in massive reflection, regardless of whether I do it here or elsewhere, during benign activities that eventually run out in my private space, like personal hygiene, cleaning, reading, etc.  Small case-in-point: I just made three slices of toast with canned fish, solving and thinking of a small problem along the way. But now that I've taken my plate out of the kitchen, I wish there was activity and discussion taking place 'around' me. Is this clear yet? Will be unlikely to be encouraged unless this makes sense to someone without prompting 100 leading questions. 😕