Happy Sunday all, though so many Sundays have been difficult for me. I've been on my 'solo' profile (on an online multiplayer game) this week. It was probably right for me to be told, that, if abstaining from games, 'the high' would be/is over. That high/the high, whichever. It just sucks that so many of my triumphs have felt realest when they have been of little consequence. Yes, I have definitely suffered from that knowledge, but it hasn't stopped me chasing those things, when either boredom or lack of triumphant emotion results in a mental 'stand-still'. I haven't wanted to simply snap to attention and march right off to an aggressive gym session, as I used to do from back in the family home.  I used to think I was super-independent for not complaining much. People might just not have liked that word, and its associations, so I soaked that attitude up and consolidated on it. However, standing up for the needs of individuals and other groups still seems to be virtuous or brave. Certainly, I have wanted to be considered equal to people in my life, not just a side-show in someone else's. It could be that some of my treatment of others has left a similar feeling behind too. I shall continue to try and remember and operate like that. Those few things alone leave me enough to deal with IMO, and it's tough but I may have to confess that I'm not ready for new mountains of knowledge from organised study. Our public/official achievements may be fit for comparison, but I appreciate that the experiences behind them can hold just as much weight. Hoping y'all enjoy the weekend as you best can, ~ Matt

Imagining scenarios you could be in is stupid and a waste of time. That's what social media does it makes you imagine where you could be by looking at influencers and people with all these mansions and money at the beach. They do that so you either feel like shit or you just keep imagining what that would be like without putting in the actual work to get there. Cause work and effort sucks. That's the main message of social media and gaming. We don't want to face the hardships of life so we turn to screens.   i am done with it I am so done with it.  from now on im going to journal weekly with a list of accomplishments i got done based on what my actual goals and aspirations are (which i still have to map out). This way i can steer clear of screens as much as possible.    Fuck gaming, fuck social media

Still treat work as a game have thinking patterns related to winning at games. Looking to talk to people more to keep myself grounded and strong.

Entry 30.5 Day 135: No Useless Videos Day 967: Sticking to Food schedule Day 570: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 118: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well, no matter how small  -10 Concentrated work units -1 Hour of practical studies -1 hour of german studies 1 Thing I could do better -Eat and do concentrated units separatly Gaming (Death, Slavery, Regret, Disease) - 5 Yan (Life, Individuality, Freedom, Purpose, Self-Fulfillment) - 136

I learned I have a lot of anxiety. My anxiety is can be categorized into 3 different worries. These 3 worries is when my mind makes a catastrophe out of one small action. For example if I leave a charging cord plugged in overnight. I know it won't cause the house to burn down or start a fire, as I've kept my phone charging overnight multiple times. But my brain creates this huge what if scenario of the house burning down because I left my charger in. My brain will explicitly show me in my room with the house on fire as I try to escape.   My brain does this with two other sections too, that being health and if I'm going to get in trouble / disappointing people.   I have no idea where I picked up this anxiety because I've always believed people who make catastrophes out of small actions or small situations to be toxic attention seekers. I'm not that, but through learning this about myself, I notice how much work I still need to do in regards to thinking about others. I've never been egocentric, I've always cared about others. But I think being on social media as much as I have has silently influenced me to only worry about what will happen to me, or what others will think. Even though I've always thought that behavior was detestable and the people doing it were toxic and egocentric.    The reality is, no one in the real world has to care what I think. Most of the population doesn't care what I do or what I think. The reason it seems otherwise is because social media blows up about people's thoughts and how it's not the same as theirs. The other reality is, in terms of my three fears, all of them are rare. Me doing every day things is not going to cause them.    im so tired and I hate so much that i picked up this gross way of thinking. The thinking that one small thing will ruin my day. I honestly hate myself for it. And I hate how much I have been complaining and focusing on negativity and the flaws of others without realizing it.    I want to worry less, focus on the positives and think about others rather than worrying what's going to happen to me. Most of the time stuff doesn't happen to you personally. I again picked up the way of thinking from social media who will complain how one consequence of an action, or one situation will ruin their entire life.   im so sick of it