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  1. Today
  2. Hello Friends This is My First Topic
  3. Day 20: May 25, 2019 20 days without video games. Today was an ordinary day. I really didn't feel like going to the gym this morning but I went anyway because I don't miss workouts. Ended up doing more than I expected too. 100 minutes of walking outside today also. Spent a little time studying for my A+ exam, which I really have to ramp up for at this point, less than 2 weeks away! Spent a lot of the day planning for how I'm going to refocus my goals and routines starting on Monday. I'm going to think about it more tomorrow and see what I can come up with but I've got some exciting ideas. I feel like I should write more but it truly was an unremarkable day. I'll make up for it tomorrow as I want to get a lot of my ideas on paper tomorrow anyway. 20 days gaming free 20 days porn free 20 days sugar drink free
  4. Today is the start of a better me. I'm tired of having all my mental focus being wasted thinking about games. Life is beautiful and I loathe the thought of staring at a screen for endless hours now. I want to think clearly and feel liberated for the first time in a long time. Reading other users journals motivated me to make an account and actually record my process of starting over. I have relapsed in the past and I sure as shit don't want to do it again. Red Dead 2 was a big issue for me, but I'm starting to see how big of an illusion the game is. I was starting to realize that everything was fake within the game, but I had seemed so realistic to me. Sure it seemed like birds are actually singing, the horse is actually living, and the stream is actually flowing... but it is not. It is all implanted sounds and textures giving you the illusion that you are outside in another world. After I realized the fact that the game was an illusion, I couldn't look at RDR the same way. After replaying the story mode for the third time, I asked myself why. If I've already played the game and experienced every mission and quest, why do I need to play it again for more endless hours? I'm not experiencing anything new. I think my craving for RDR comes from the fact that I would love to go outside IRL and explore the nature around me, but I am scared to go alone. I also really love horses and the fact that the game allowed me to have my own horses was thrilling, and I even started considering the fake pixel horses as my own. As of right now I don't regret anything, but I know as the week continues I will be craving games again. It will be hard but this is the start of a new beginning!
  5. 82: Relapse! I cannot believe how quickly that happened! I was feeling sad for no specific reason and I ended up playing the whole day on Friday! That was so sad and I felt really bad. I am trying to keep this up and I won't reset the counting unless that happens again.
  6. taichi

    Journal

    Went to see my cousin who now lives in the countryside. Their house doesn't have internet or TV signal, which apparently was a deliberate decision by my aunt. So my cousin's entertainment is the river just outside, the lake Sagami, some CDs & DVDs that they own, and radio (also a few tv recordings that he plays over and over). Spent a Saturday with them, talking, watching his favourite band's live DVD, cooking, and juggling. It wasn't a blast but it was a restorative experience.
  7. Yesterday
  8. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 35: Will write tomorrow, tied and tipsy to do it properly now.
  9. I'm exactly the same. I recently tried to play in moderation, after quitting for 8 months, and within a few days I was wasting hours and hours playing games. It's crazy how fast it can go from nothing to something. At least you know now!
  10. Days 63-65 I been damaged goods this week. I didn't play video games, but I buried my head into TV series I been watching. I am thinking I need to hang up streaming TV shows which is ironic since I work for a streaming service. Unstable should be my middle name. Something doesn't go right or the way I intended it. Instead of brushing off the dust and moving on. I self loath, then it takes days to figure out I am broken. Like walking on thin ice each day, when I fall thru the lights inside flick off. Everyone has a burden to bare, this is mine. At least now I know.
  11. @BooksandTrees It's not as much a test, or at least the test is not the purpose. I am afraid of gaming, which is a problem for me. Being afraid isn't what I want to be, and being ashamed and regretful, no, I don't want to be either of these things. When I come in contact with games, those feelings come back and I almost get triggered nervous and fearful of what might happen. I don't want to be like that, I want to feel in control. And the only way to 'erase' those feelings is to replace them with healthy feelings towards that part of myself and my hobby, which is by replacing my old, unhealthy behavior towards the hobby itself. Sure it's good to be back, in a way. But for the most part, this is just part of rehabilitation for me, that's how I see it. Like an alcoholic now re-introducing whiskey in their life, but only in normal, acceptable ways. I want to make things right within me, and get over the fact I was addicted.
  12. Day 25 gone to bed: 02.20 woke up: 07.40 I was not very productive. Gym was good, went for a walk outside as well so that's good. Got a new haircut and I feel way better now in terms of look. Watched a film. I feel a bit sad, because I try to distance myself from my female friend and take a break from her for quite some time. One way I feel free again and open for new friendships, otherwise I hope that one day we get back together. Gaming gives me some urges, because Path of Exile released the trailer for the new league. Gotta stay strong here! I'm grateful for: music the storm and rain in the afternoon, that calmed me down my cute cat
  13. Among the products listed on the site, which one is the best? https://www.shaw-review.com/power-efficiency-guide-mark-edwards-review
  14. Day 62 25.05.19 (1st draft will finish it tomorrow morning) Gratitude journal Today I am grateful for staying strong against my cravings. One amazing thing that happened/I did today 1) first day for a while where I stayed strong in all my 3 cravings which are hindering my progess the most at the moment Workout/run 3.5km running 2hours workout more than 17k steps Meditation 10 min guided meditation in the morning 20 min guided meditation in the afternoon Visualisation and daily affirmation a bit affirmation and started with visualisation again today Reading (1hours of studying for the next exam today) did my regular Spanish session and studied 1hour also read a lot again my wake-up time 8:00 (weekend) Weekly Goal(s) continue with miracle morning routine, study at between 4 and 8hours per day, reduce my screen time to less than 2hours, meditate half an hour every day Monthly Goal to study a lot for my exams, be more grateful for everything in life, find the joy of living in the moment, think hard about my values and what kind of person I want to be, start the miracle morning 1 month challenge anew 3 Month Goal getting my degree or getting it nearly done so that at least at the end of July I have it in my hands, having a really productive life, living my life so that I am proud of it What went well today: (NF:1/NW:1/NS:1) did my regular Spanish, studied a bit, had a great workout, the pain in my ankle is nearly gone, stayed strong today against all my cravings What I could have done to make my day better I could have studied more, should have done some Tai-chi and woke up ealier What I will do differently tomorrow/What I have planned for tomorrow: wake up earlier, try to meditate for 30min, study 4hours, go the my parents home for a few hours, stay strong against my urges like today and do extra Tai-chi Weekly summary, thoughts and improvements for the future
  15. At the end of the day everyone in the world has addictions to vices that help them escape their stress situations. It's ok to acknowledge it, but it also doesn't have to be a label. You are Fawn (whatever your real name is) and your friends and family will know you for that name. They won't know you for "addict" or "negative ruminator". With the re-introduction to your old gaming community and friends: what is calling you back? Is this a test to see if you can be in that environment and maintain the growth you've had over the past few months? Are you missing something from that former part of your life that you'd like to integrate into your new growth? My suggestion is just follow your desire and see how it feels. If you notice it is affecting your life and emotions in a negative way, cut back. If it continues to do it, remove it until you feel comfortable. If it continues to be the process of not feeling good about it then I'd remove it entirely. Also, you mentioned rumination earlier. I was reading and listening to a few doctors discussing ruminating thoughts because I was being very harsh to myself about self improvement. What I learned is every person in the world is constantly thinking and their brain doesn't shut off. This can feel amplified with self improvement periods because instead of thinking about dinner, your favorite sport, your friends, or bad drivers in traffic, you're now pointing your perspective inwards and also receiving all of the emotions in your heart. Self improvement can lead people to face lots of negative emotions because a lot of angles we take are "what we don't like about ourselves" instead of "I want to try this because I think I'll benefit and it looks fun". I had to accept that and it took a few weeks of me occupying my brain with other things like not liking my job or something to take my mind off of it. Good luck.
  16. ketias

    Attempt #2

    thanks 🙂 The second time around here i at least know how easy it was to fall back again, before i was sure only an hour gaming wasn't going to hurt. This time around i know there is no such thing as "only an hour". 😛
  17. Finding the willpower to quit gaming again is a huge step, congrats! It's a tough journey, and sometimes we've just gotta sit down and enjoy a good film Keep it up!
  18. ketias

    Attempt #2

    we gotta fight those urges 🙂 Be strong!!!
  19. Doing the saem thing at the moment😉
  20. ketias

    Attempt #2

    weeks just fly by. today was the return of the gaming urges though, feel a bit under the weather, 0 energy and then the urges came to slack and play a game. trying to keep it off with watching a movie 😛 gotta make it.
  21. Day 14 Have been feeling tempted to buy another laptop, I recently succeed in finding a job for a company I am very interested in working for and I imagine now having a stable income and potentially more time, I can spend my hours more freely. I think this perhaps is a false belief/ limitting belief that many people have that keeps them stuck in a hole once they begin to make progress. The idea that progress, deserves reward, and that reward is a limiting of ones progress. When in truth progress itself is the reward. If this is the case why then do we look to go back to gaming even after our 90 days? I feel a strong desire to complete this 90 day detox process and throughout the process I will delete a number of gaming accounts which will free undoubtly change the way I feel about gaming in the future, as playing a game that I have put 4,000 hours into and starting from scratch, knowing that I will only be were I was before after a similar amount of time is in itself very discouraging.
  22. Day 27 (27 day streak) 100% gaming and gaming-content free, even though I just woke up. Honestly, I just had an itch to use my computer this morning, and since I think I will be out most of the day, I'm going for a quick morning post. I just wanted to be doing something productive when I logged on. Got a bunch of sleep last night as I went to bed at a reasonable hour. I feel way better this morning. I also spent some time last night working on my list of goals. Often, I don't have written down goals, or when I do, I don't look at them. I'll probably be done writing these out sometime this weekend. I might change my posting structure a bit once I get that in place. Anyway, have a good weekend everybody!
  23. This quote I found inside the little product book that came with my old rock climbing shoes. I still have that page in my wallet so I see it everytime I flip open my wallet. I want to upload a picture of it But I Dont my wallet on me right now 😂👍🏻 It just means a lot to me because it basically says that Its not necessarily the what you WANT to do that is the right choice for you. Like some one would argue that you should keep gaming because you like it and enjoy it, but it’s just not what is going to make you free in the end. You might have to be a David Goggins to become free. Free from low self esteem, body imprisonment(being fat and immobile), free from lifestyle deceases and so on. To to be free means having made the right choice... 🙂
  24. Day 54. Saturday. Habits completed counter: 32 Today I have cravings, not for games specifically but for recreation. I want to have a good time, I want to play something, have fun. This is very odd, as the only way I can think of that would scratch that itch is video games. I feel that after all the effort I went through I deserve a prize. I feel playing for a while will not be so bad. And I am right there. But, why would I play a video game? Why that specific mode of entertainment? Why would my brain release dopamine on the thought of me playing anything? Lately the thoughts of a future with videogames has been coming back to me stronger than ever. As see my personal future brighter I see my gaming possibilities expand. Bigger screen! Better surround audio. VR stuff!! Amazing game room!! I would have so much fun.... wouldn't I? Would that make me happier? Will that room fill me with that happiness?? No. It wouldn't. It would be amazing, but that's about it. No real essence. No meaning. Like a personal "pub" filled with drinks for an alcoholic. Or a personal stash of 5 kilo of a drug for an addict. It is just there to scratch the itch. To make the wounds deeper, and the itch stronger. I don't want that future, that is why I will never play video games. I am not a gamer.
  25. I feel you on that, that's why I write down stuff I want to get done that might haunt/already haunt me for a few days to do them in my diary. Good shout, I'll backup my files too right now after I tidy my desktop. At least it was just a scratch! It's about half a year I managed to damage my mudguard, as the car in front of me didn't turn as fast as I expected, he was probably letting a pedestrian through. He probably didn't even notice, as he drove away and I didn't see any damage to his car either. Luckily, the mudguards were to be changed soon anyway, because they were already somewhat rusty, so no-one from the family even got to know!
  26. Day 24 gone to bed: 23.20 woke up: 06.40 Very glad to be back in this "NoFap" mindset and I think I wanna just continue it like I did before. Today I spent a lot of time on Youtube and I'm not very happy about it. Watched some discussions about abortion and the political left. But I did go to the gym and read a bit in my french book. I also went to the doctor and he now gives me drug to lower my stress and stop the symptoms. In the evening I had a great time with friends from the church. We ate together, prayed, sang and played some poker afterwards. It was exciting but I came home at 02.00 in the morning, what was a bit late. I'm grateful for: other friends that are there for me the camera, I got from my mother because of my birthday taking good care of myself
  27. Day 175. What's an addict? It pains me to identify as one. I don't want to be, but I was addicted. Gaming scares me, it brings all my past mistakes right in front of my eyes, reminds me of the worst in me, my lack of discipline, my impulsivity, my carelessness, my lack of responsibility. But I don't want to be afraid of it, or myself. I don't want to feel powerless and scared next to it, just like I didn't want to be a slave to negative thinking. I don't want to be trapped in a box where I avoid a bunch of things and people because they remind me that I was a worse me in the past. And just like I've been facing my fears in the past weeks in other, personal matters, yesterday I was nervous and hesitant and excited and afraid to game. Because of all the above, the whole subject has turned into a skeleton in my closet and I don't want to have those. So I decided to face the fear, get in touch with old friends and communities. It was triggering and I was nervous, but I know that's the process, you can't get over your fear of dogs without getting near dogs. I don't want to game like I used to, there is no space in the new life I built for myself for that sort of habit. And I'm afraid of that, of me, of what I might become if I let gaming take control. But after six months and the self discovery and betterment I've been through, I thought why not try to get better at facing my flaws when it comes to this? I've been in a journey of living life free, and for me that has always been synonymous with taking control of my life and choices. I feel like I'll be judged, even if only silently, for my decision to lift the ban, the strict rule. It might just be my inner critic, my fear that I will fail me again though. But all these weeks, from December till May, I've been trying to change the way I see myself and empower myself. Mind you, knowing yourself includes knowing your limits and what's good or bad for you. So I'm going to try and change the unhealthy, addiction like relationship I had with games to something like my time watching TV. I don't feel guilty when I turn off the TV after watching for a couple hours. I want to be free of the negative emotions games bring me, and not just by putting them away in a box in the basement. I want to work with my guilt and make amends to myself, show myself I'm better than I used to be, that I can do it, that I can be in control. And if you wonder about the day counter, that's my journey and it doesn't stop. This is part of it.
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