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an attempt to regain control


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My name is Marius, I'm 24 and from Germany.

Since I was young video games are the most constant companion in my life. I tried to avoid them when I entered uni for the first time but didnt manage to stay away for long. For the time I'm playing games I'm also struggling with social skills and I'm pretty sure that spending my time with those games is mostly due to that.

I've been playing League of Legends for 9 years now and have spent approximately 200 days (24h) on the game. This is only the time playing excluding talking about the game with friends or watching streams/youtube. As I'm writing this I'm half way in my first clinical semester of my medicine studies. I achieved getting into the faculty I hoped for after the pre-clinical exam also due to my effort learning for the exam. Since then I moved out from my shard flat and have been living alone as I felt this step was necessary though this made matters worse concerning my addiction. Currently there is not a single day where I don't think about the game and most of the time awake I'm either playing or watching streams of it. I uninstalled it 30 minutes ago though I have done that multiple times in the past and lost my sense of confidence in my ability to change my life. I tried before seeking professional help in my town that thankfully offers video game addiction therapy but in the end I failed and didnt reply to emails and phone calls from the help center when I dove into playing the game again.

So far gaming/ watching streams/ watching youtube/ watching movies late in the night cost me my first studies in physics and is now dragging me down in medicine to the point where I don't know how to continue it seems. I don't know if there is hope for me anymore as I can't sleep at night and I'm craving for the game/streams everytime I'm not surrounding myself with it. My memory became worse as I feel that I'm forgetting way faster than in my past and all my progress I made with my body has dissappeared as well; I'm not eating enough and healthy, not drinking enough water and not doing anything in general appart from playing/watching. There was a time when I really liked reading and became better playing the piano. Also working out turned out to be a success a year ago but nowadays all this doesnt excite me. Only games and watching movies. I'm trying to escape what life has to offer beside the games. I know that there are two big psychological problems I should face when I am to get further in my mental development but I'm afraid of them and not ready to talk about them. I'm not thinking that I will ever be able to have a fruitful conversation about them, too. So don't expect me to talk about it and please don't encourage me to talk about them. I have to figure out how to quit games and streams without solving these issues.

It would help me to know what you think how I can motivate myself to not playing or watching streams late into the night. I don't feel sleepiness and can stay awake until the next morning though I know that I will hate the way I feel when I'm forced to wake up because of uni when I have not rested.

Also when did the craving stop for you or do you thin you will struggle for the rest of your life?

Thx for reading

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Hello Marius! I am a 25 year old Spanish guy who is also addicted to videogames, and I have also spent a lot of time of my life in League of Legends. That, with the help of other addictions, dragged me down in a very dark path I have been fighting for some years by now, but I am not gonna focus on myself here, if you wanna know me better go check my introduction.

I played LoL for 4 years more or less (it was the only game I was playing at that time), and I started from Bronze 5 (when that was the worst rank) I can tell you, I was really bad. I started learning and I ranked up, and I spent so much time refining my decision making, learning new characters, I once got Platinum1 (in the season 12 I think, I cant remember tho). But during the journey I certainly felt more depressed and dragged down than excited and motivated. Games were more about trying to change the mind of my teammates (who would usually rage, troll, go afk, or just complain at everything and being negative) than about my actual skill, and I eventually found that was not fun anymore, I did not play a game for that (plus I usually was frustrated since I usually measured as well as I could my decision making, to let some random teammates just give it away in some stupid decisions and eventually gift the game and my time to that shit), so I decided to definitely uninstall the game forever.

It was NOT easy, I had to play so many games until I found some that would help me replace those blasting feelings towards LoL, those that made me addicted to the game in the first place and I was not feeling anymore in LoL, but that would bring me back over and over again to see if today is the day I can feel those again; and now, after some years out of League, I am proud of myself for being out of League. I do not regret having been addicted to that, even if it brought me many bad things (bad habits, no friends, mental issues), I have also learnt many things and I had some good times in there.

Now I am decided to stop gaming definitely since I certainly do not enjoy it anymore, I think I am done with it and that I should move on, and I have deleted all my videogames from my computer yesterday, and I am willing to help others, to give the insight I have right now so others with my same issue would find this path clearer. If you are willing to talk further text me, you are not alone on this bro.

Stay strong. Peace! 

Edited by alvayuso
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