Peter's Journal - Cut the cord.

[PeteStf]

My story: 

 

First day - first journal.

I've been journaling for a long while. Not every day, but nearly. 
I've been journaling about a lot but it always is about past pains that were pushed away back then. 
The way I journal is just brain dumping. So excuse my french if there is some swearing involved but a part of becoming myself, is about feeling my anger, hurt and sadness. When I journal, I just let go of any censoring and I go. I type. I try not to think 'hmm I should not say this'. So here we go.

Past pains, past shit, past situations where I could not or did not know how to be myself. I was a persona. A 'mature business analyst' persona. But I always felt so damn bad. 
Now I know I felt bad - I didn't know it back then. It just seemed so normal. But no more persona. 
I've been working for a couple of months with a professional therapist. And that is doing work. Damn, I'm really finding myself again.

Sounds cheesy, right? 'Finding myself' - the title of every damn cheesebook of celebrities I can hear you think.
Well. Finding myself is just about facing the pain for me. Facing the situations you've been through and facing the emotional and physical pain I've hid myself from.
Gaming, as well as other compulsive behavior, was there to not face the pain or numbness or... to keep myself from taking on my life. 
Up till a few months ago, I've just survived. I was in survival mode. I pleased people, I tried to climb the corporate ladder instead of looking at what I wanted. I, Peter, myself. 

I've got a hard time looking at myself in the mirror without wanting to look away. I always feel like there is something wrong with me. 
If I played a game for a whole day, I say things to myself like 'Oh it's okay you've worked hard the past 3 days'. But boy, I'm wrong. The next day I'm so fucking mad on myself. I've seduced myself into this notion of 'I can stop gaming if I want' or 'in about an hour I'm going to be productive'. FALSE. I will not. I can not. But I can stop. I know that. I believe that in my heart. 

All of that also corresponds with the fact that I've been living in my head for the past years. I thought I could fix everything by thinking instead of taking my feelings in account. Feeling, physically as well as emotionally. The journey to the heart is the one i'm on. And gaming is my next obstacle. I will fucking destroy this obstacle. Sounds like I'm wanting to act cool but that's not what I want to achieve. I want to really destroy it and give it a place in my past, no more in my future.

Today, this morning, I cut the cord of my gaming mouse and deinstalled LOL. 
I felt emotional but I felt relieved. I've deinstalled it countless of times but I never cut the cord of my gaming mouse I had for years.

I've started. That's the most important thing. 

[Amphibian220]

Welcome to the forum Peter. You are not the first person on the forum to have cut the mouse cord. Looks like a tradition is forming here on GQ. I can say that I intentionally lived without a computer for some time and made use of library computers when I felt the pull of video games. 

Also, you mention an interesting part of human nature. People will delay important things when they are under an illusion that there will be enough time later on. If you can look a bit more holistically at your way of life and character traits, you can see brilliant ways for breaking the failure cycle. The failure cycle consists of highs (thats when it appears that things are going ok) and the lows when you get the important feedback.

Repeat enough times that “this day is important not to waste because you are tight on time to achieve greater aims” and it works wonders. If your mind responds with skepticism, always re-evaluate and respond back. If you keep doing the same things and follow the same behavioural patterns as when you were failing, there is no reason that success will come on its own.

Good luck with recovery.

edit: you can watch one vlog of Cam Adair per day and pause the video to take notes in your workbook. This activity starts to actually create new thinking patterns which is the blueprint for change.

Edited August 18, 2020 by Amphibian220