PeteStf

Hey @UsualSuspect Make sure you find a psychologist that you feel a connection with. Not the number of certificates or whatever. Also, in my opinion, therapy is about finding yourself, listening to your own voice and making sure you, yourself, find your own solutions. It takes time to develop a good, trusting relationship with your shrink but also with yourself. So if you feel the relationship with the shrink is okay, give it time :).

I say this with kindness: You're starting a turning point in your life as you're turning away of your own defense mechanisms that shielded you from all the miserable feelings. Does that sound like an easy thing to do? No, it is probably one of the hardest, but the most rewarding. You say it yourself, I need to grow up. Yes. You will grow up. That means taking the responsibility to do what your gut tells you. Stop gaming. Stopping gaming means coming into the world you are actually in, but avoid by playing games. Playing games makes you live in a 'safe bubble'. But that bubble is not real. Come into the light bro. It will feel like darkness first but you'll get there. The darkness is always accompanied by light and you are stepping towards it. We're with you on this road. It has bumps in it, bends, curves, but every step you take is a good one. And a necessary one. Much love from a guy who knows it's hard but it's rewarding. More rewarding than a freakin' medal in a game or a rank.

My story: First day - first journal. I've been journaling for a long while. Not every day, but nearly. I've been journaling about a lot but it always is about past pains that were pushed away back then. The way I journal is just brain dumping. So excuse my french if there is some swearing involved but a part of becoming myself, is about feeling my anger, hurt and sadness. When I journal, I just let go of any censoring and I go. I type. I try not to think 'hmm I should not say this'. So here we go. Past pains, past shit, past situations where I could not or did not know how to be myself. I was a persona. A 'mature business analyst' persona. But I always felt so damn bad. Now I know I felt bad - I didn't know it back then. It just seemed so normal. But no more persona. I've been working for a couple of months with a professional therapist. And that is doing work. Damn, I'm really finding myself again. Sounds cheesy, right? 'Finding myself' - the title of every damn cheesebook of celebrities I can hear you think. Well. Finding myself is just about facing the pain for me. Facing the situations you've been through and facing the emotional and physical pain I've hid myself from. Gaming, as well as other compulsive behavior, was there to not face the pain or numbness or... to keep myself from taking on my life. Up till a few months ago, I've just survived. I was in survival mode. I pleased people, I tried to climb the corporate ladder instead of looking at what I wanted. I, Peter, myself. I've got a hard time looking at myself in the mirror without wanting to look away. I always feel like there is something wrong with me. If I played a game for a whole day, I say things to myself like 'Oh it's okay you've worked hard the past 3 days'. But boy, I'm wrong. The next day I'm so fucking mad on myself. I've seduced myself into this notion of 'I can stop gaming if I want' or 'in about an hour I'm going to be productive'. FALSE. I will not. I can not. But I can stop. I know that. I believe that in my heart. All of that also corresponds with the fact that I've been living in my head for the past years. I thought I could fix everything by thinking instead of taking my feelings in account. Feeling, physically as well as emotionally. The journey to the heart is the one i'm on. And gaming is my next obstacle. I will fucking destroy this obstacle. Sounds like I'm wanting to act cool but that's not what I want to achieve. I want to really destroy it and give it a place in my past, no more in my future. Today, this morning, I cut the cord of my gaming mouse and deinstalled LOL. I felt emotional but I felt relieved. I've deinstalled it countless of times but I never cut the cord of my gaming mouse I had for years. I've started. That's the most important thing.

Strong story. Very strong of you to be so honest. Your story is safe here. About that compulsiveness - I too have a compulsive habit. Not about masturbation but that doesn't matter. The cause is always pushing away / running away of very strong feelings. The thing that numbs it - for you masturbation, for others something else - is just a symptom of the pain. Take on the pain and the symptom disappears. You will succeed. You will.

Hi all, I'm Peter, 29y old and I guess addicted to gaming in general but specifically to League of Legends. When I was young, my mother (father left) forbid me to play video games while all my friends could play. So when I was at a friend's house, I played so much and watched how everyone else just had fun together while I was the one who 'couldn't play' or 'wasn't good enough' cause they had practice and I did not. They also could play online together and I could not. Also, our computer was way too bad to play something on decent FPS rate. Long story short - gaming was the forbidden fruit when I was young and boy it was attractive fruit. When I was a bit older (16y old - ...) I bought my own computer and started to play behind the backs of my mother. I even got up in the night at 3 am to play Wolfenstein Enemy Territory. I lied to my mother when she went looking for me (she heard me probably) to see what I was doing. Back then, we had a difficult period in the house - a divorce. And I just wanted to play the game, that was all I wanted. Now I see I used it to numb the pain. To just focus on something else then all the shit that was going on. And yes, that pattern has been in my life ever since. It always changed to another game. Company of Heroes 2 and the search to a perfect computer who could run it at the highest settings - CS:GO in the search of the perfect team or team mates and lastly, League of Legends and the grind. I'm 29y old and have a decent job as Business Analyst / Project Manager. I swear if you run into me you wouldn't dare to believe I'm a gamer who just can't stop when starting to play. I have always had a front, a 'persona' of a mature guy while behind that mask, there is a kid who's hurt. Hurt of all the fucking shit that has been going on. I've always managed to not feel, to not be myself and to please others and game when I was alone. That was my safe space. Now I'm beginning to feel, to be myself. It has lead to a number of changes like seeing my family for what it is, becoming more independent and starting to feel. You know, it can sound so cheesy but starting to feel just means taking a break and do nothing. Feel your body. Watch your thoughts. Extremely difficult and painful when you have pushed that away for a long time. It sounds so easy but your mind has trained itself to either obsess about things or think negatively or to, yes, to game. But not anymore. Not anymore. I've stopped numerous of times but it always creeps in. Sometimes to kill boredom but it's more than that. It's a pattern of procrastination, of not taking on my life. Why? Well, if I take on my life, I have to take on responsibilities and that includes responsibility about myself. Myself means looking and feeling the hurt. That my friends, that's not an easy thing. I've got professional help because there is a lot of shit that has happened so a lot of processing is involved. But gaming, man, that's the next step. And boy i'm ready. I feel ready. I've cut the cords of my gaming mouse and that felt emotional. It was like cutting cords with a past I didn't want. Well, this has been a very short story about me but felt good to share. Thanks for this website and for the initiative. I'm sure this will work for me and hopefully for everyone else too. Regards, Peter.