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The Impossible Journal


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Hey you. 

I just read your whole thread. It seems like you had an encouraging start and were reaping the benefits of the detox, but as soon as you relapsed you felt encouraged in your bad self perception.Am I hitting close the mark? 

Yes I can relate to feeling unfixable. Whilst I was still "studying" I played through whole days only to stand up to eat some bread or go to the toilett. Half an hour before my wife came home (who supported us both at that time) I panickily did some housework. This shit circle was sometimes better but it always ended back in this state. Oh yeah and in between games I used porn and felt bad about it. Everytime I went back to this state of living I felt like everything good I have done in the past counts like nothing and THATS what I am really are. A piece of shit. And shit stays shit.

But right now after some years where I was able to quit lol, quit other games, finishing my masters degree, ldoing okay in my first job, getting married to that woman, getting my first kid, getting my second kid (half a year ago) and being able to care for my finally instead of being only cared for, I still feel sometimes like this if life gets hard and I go back to youtube/porn. But what I realised on the way is that you never  stay the same. Every action you take changes you a little bit and in the end it is just a question of sticking it out and trying often enough to improve. 

So keep trying. Keep doing the hard stuff and the benefits will come. Its not a question of character its just a question of time.

Also a recommendation for you which could help you if you struggle with your self image and your day to day survival (which I certainly did and still sometimes do). Listen to audiobooks while you do housework/busy work. I would start with "Atomic Habits". Its really relevant for someone trying to quit. Its short. And its well read and written with a lot of good information.

Hope your keep doing well (gaming or not gaming).

Regards Mario

PS: Its really great that your dealing with your mental issues. This is so hard to do. Pat yourself on the back for doing this. Seriously.

 

 

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